University of Virginia Library

Scene I.

—Mount Olympus—Jupiter, Neptune, Hercules, and Plutus discovered at whist—Mercury stands behind Jupiter's seat—Hebe and Ganymede in waiting with nectar—on either side are arranged other Deities.
Jup.
It's your deal, Neptune—cut the cards, you Plutus.
Now, Neppy—turn up something that will suit us.
A glass of nectar, Ganymede! (drinks)
We're six.

Nep.
No, honours, were divided—four by tricks.

Plu.
Come, come, don't cheat us!

Jup.
Cheat, you stingy frump!
Who wants to cheat? Now, Neptune, what's the trump?

Nep.
The ten of hearts.

Her.
Then 'tis our turn to croak;
For Neptune's hearts, we know, are hearts of oak.

Plu.
(playing)
A little diamond.

Her.
Diamond! Oh, you brute!
Had it been clubs I could have followed suit.

Nep.
That's a vile pun; and Johnson used to say,
Who made a pun would pick a pocket.

Her.
(rising, angrily)
Eh?

Jup.
Curse you, be quiet, will you, with your tricks?
(flinging down his cards)
I swear by clubs—poh, stuff!—I mean, by Styx,
I'll play no more; and next time, I insist,
When you joke—joke; when you play whist—play whist.

All.
Finish the rubber.

Jup.
I will not; I say,
Turn up the table—take the cards away.
Let's have some music. Hermes, where's Apollo?

Mer.
Gone to the Glee-club, at the Cat and Swallow.

Jup.
Deuce take the fellow. Where is Bacchus now?

Mer.
He's at the Punch Bowl, drunk as David's sow.

Jup.
Where's Mars?

Mer.
He's gone to drill.

Jup.
Where's Juno, pray?

Mer.
She's in the laundry, sir; it's washing day.

Jup.
The sky's deserted. Isn't Momus there?

Mer.
No, sir; he's eating fire at Troy Fair.

Jup.
Where's Esculapius?

Mer.
Priam's rather queer,
And he's gone down to bleed him, sir.

Jup.
Oh, dear!
Then I'll to sleep; bid Somnus step this way.

Mer.
Lord, sir—he's yawning o'er the last new play.

Jup.
What! neither melody, wit, wine, nor slumber?
Well, then, to business; ere you ten can number,
Fly to Mount Etna; seek the God of Fire,
Give him my compliments, and just inquire
If the last thunderbolt I broke is soldered,
And if he's made the lady that I ordered.

Mer.
(aside)
Oho! for some new fair one he's an inkling.

Jup.
What's that you say?

Mer.
I fly, sir, in a twinkling.
(Exit Mercury)

Jup.
Immortals, you have heard how one Prometheus
Is making creatures out of clay beneath us;
And from our kitchen range has pilfered coals,
To heat their passions, and light up their souls;
But I have formed a project to annoy him,
Perplex, confound, and in the end destroy him.
I'll feign delight at genius so uncommon,
And, for reward, present him with a woman!
I have directed Vulcan how to make her,
And when she's finished, Mercury shall take her;
She'll breed fine mischief, if she's what I think her.
Re-enter Mercury.
Returned—well flown! How fares the lame old tinker?

Mer.
Why, sir, his leg appears a little better,
But for particulars, please read this letter.

Jup.
(taking letter by the corner, and holding it up)
How dare he send me such a dirty note?
He might have washed his hands before he wrote.
(reads)
“Vulcan's respects, regrets to make Jove wait—
The thunderbolt will not be done till eight;
The lady all his time has been demolishing,
But she's just finished now, except the polishing;
Will bring her home himself, as soon as done—
Mount Etna—post meridian—half-past one.”
The polishing! he works confounded slow;
Zounds! I bespoke her full three weeks ago.
No thunder! well, then, I must do without it
Till eight, that's all that I can say about it.
(Laughter and noise without)
Peace there, I say—who dares make such a rout?
Pray what are all my new police about?
Hermes, report—who is it so uproarious?

Mer.
They're bringing Bacchus home, sir, very glorious.

Jup.
A nasty drunken dog!
Enter Bacchus, supported by Pan and Silenus Two Bacchantes carrying his tub.
So, sir, it's you?

Bac.
Your most obedient, daddy, how d'ye do?

Jup.
If your poor mother, Semele, were here,
'Twould break her heart to see you look so queer.
For shame! you have forgotten all you owed her.
Make him sit down—give him some hock and soda.

Bac.
Indeed, pa—I've scarce touch'd a drop of drink,
And what's made me so ill I cannot think;
But as to all that stuff about my mother,
She took her grog as well as any other.

Mer.
(aside, to Jupiter)
He's play'd the deuce, sir, with his best apparel;
He was so drunk he could not sit his barrel.

Air and Chorus—“Der Freyschutz.”
Jup.
Look the reeling rascal after,
Yonder comes the God of Laughter,
Holding both his sides—Huzza!
Enter Momus.
Welcome, Momus—ha, ha, ha!

Chorus.
—Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! ha!

Momus.
Lo! where from the Cat and Swallow,
Comes your sun and air, Apollo.
Home's not “sweet home,” when he's awa,
Welcome, Phœbus—ha, ha, ha!

Enter Apollo, followed by Mars and Esculapius.
Chorus.
—Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Jup.
Now we'll have fiddling and some songs between;
We will, by Styx!

Momus.
By fiddle-sticks you mean.

Jup.
But here comes Vulcan, fast as he can drive.
And with his handy-work, as I'm alive.
Now all your voices raise, ye gods combined,
To hail this paragon of womankind.

Vulcan rises in the centre of the stage, with Pandora.
Chorus
—“Der Freyschutz.”
Victoria! with shouts let Olympus be riven,
A forger like Vulcan must needs be forgiven.
Jove himself might believe his own deed there he saw,
Victoria! Victoria! Victoria!

Jup.
A very clever work, indeed, son V,
And as like life as any thing can be.

Vul.
It's not for me to sing to my own praises;
And yet I may say (as the earthly phrase is)
I have seen worse.

Jup.
Worse? I ne'er saw a better;
You've followed my instructions to the letter.

Vul.
I did my best your wishes to fulfil;
I'm glad she pleases; here's my little bill.

(giving it)
Jup.
Your bill, sly rogue! you know the way to thrive.
(reads)
“To a new lass of metal—five pounds five.”
My ready cash just now is all expended;
I'll pay you when the thunderbolt is mended.
Now all your various powers as gifts I claim,
Ye Deities, to deck this dainty dame.
Let Love begin, and with his subtle dart
Give animation to her eyes and heart.

Air—Cupid—“C'est L'Amour.”
Yes, 'tis Love—'tis Love—'tis Love;
His power that first imparts,
Yes, 'tis Love—'tis Love—'tis Love.
That hails thee Queen of hearts.

(to Pandora)
Jup.
Now Phœbus give her tongue a gentle swing,
And bid the bright belle mettle sweetly ring.

Air—Apollo—“Glorious Apollo.”
Glorious Apollo, every charm bestowing,
Which from the melody of song can flow,
When youthful souls are with soft affection glowing,
Bids thee it's magic shed, o'er all below.

Pan.
(taking up the air)
To life just awaking,
My silence thus breaking,
“Lisping in numbers,” all trembling I go.

Air—Esculapius—“Punch cures the Gout.”
I cure the gout, the colic, and the phthysic,
And am known by every one,
And am known by every one,
To be the God of Physic.
I'll give you health, my dear.

Plu.
I promise wealth, my dear.

Bac.
I'll think of something, dear,
When I am sober.

Venus.
Lasting thy charms shall be.

Momus.
Mirth still shall wait on thee.

Mars.
I commission you, invincibly,
To March from October.

Jup.
Air—Jupiter—“Count Almaviva.” Marriage of Figaro.

Enter Juno.
Recitative—Juno.
Air—“Judy Callaghan.”

Jup.
(aside)
Will nothing stop that angry woman's chatter?
(to Juno)
My dearest Juno, you mistake the matter.
The lady against whom your anger's bended,
A wife for young Prometheus is intended.
We've one and all been making presents to her,
And I'm rejoiced you came in time to view her.
Pandora,—my spouse, Juno; pray be friends,
And give her something, love, to make amends.

Juno.
I ask your pardon, miss, if that's the case,—
(aside)
I hate the jade—she has such a pretty face;
(aloud)
And for apology my gift shall be,
Woman's dear passion—Curiosity.

Jup.
(aside)
As I could wish; now may Prometheus win her!
(aloud)
Farewell, Pandora; come, friends, let's to dinner.

(Chorus—“Oh! the Roast Beef.”)
If mortals who cannot exist upon air,
Could see us at dinner, ye gods, how they'd stare;
See us Hydrogin quaff, and on Oxygen fare,
Singing, “Oh, the roast beef of Olympus,
And O the Olympic roast beef.”

(During the chorus Mercury disappears with Pandora, and the clouds close upon the Deities)