University of Virginia Library

SCENE I.

—The Inn.
Enter Hostess followed by Lampedo.
Hostess.
Nay, nay, another fortnight.

Lamp.
It can't be.
The man 's as well as I am:—have some mercy!—
He hath been here almost three weeks already.

Host.
Well, then, a week.—

Lamp.
We may a week detain him!
(Enter Balthazar behind, in his nightgown, with a drawn sword.)
You talk now like a reasonable hostess,
That sometimes has a reck'ning—with her conscience.

Host.
He still believes he has an inward bruise.

Lamp.
I would to heaven he had! or that he'd slipt
His shoulder-blade, or broke a leg or two
(Not that I bear his person any malice),
Or lux'd an arm, or even sprain'd his ancle!

Host.
Ay, broken any thing except his neck.

Lamp.
However, for a week I'll manage him.
Tho' he has the constitution of a horse—
A farrier should prescribe for him!

Balth.
A farrier! (Aside.)


Lamp.
To-morrow we phlebotomize again;
Next day my new-invented patent draught:—
I've tried it on a dog.—Then I have some pills prepar'd.
On Thursday we throw in the bark; on Friday—

Balth.
(Coming forward.)
Well, sir, on Friday?—what on Friday? come,
Proceed—

Lamp.
Discovered!

Hostess.
Mercy, noble sir!

(They fall on their knees.)
Lampedo.
We crave your mercy!

Balthazar.
On your knees, 't is well:
Pray; for your time is short.

Hostess.
Nay, do not kill us!

Balthazar.
You have been tried, condemned, and only wait
For execution. Which shall I begin with?

Lampedo.
The lady, by all means, sir!

Balthazar.
Come, prepare. (To the Hostess.)


Hostess.
Have pity on the weakness of my sex!

Balthazar.
Tell me, thou quaking mountain of gross flesh,
Tell me, and in a breath, how many poisons—
If you attempt it— (To Lampedo, who is endeavouring to make off)
—you have cook'd up for me.

Hostess.
None, as I hope for mercy!

Balthazar.
Is not thy wine a poison?

Hostess.
No, indeed, sir!
'T is not, I own, of the first quality;
But—

Balthazar.
What?

Hostess.
I always give short measure, sir,
And ease my conscience that way.

Balthazar.
Ease your conscience!
I'll ease your conscience for you!

Hostess.
Mercy, sir!

Balthazar.
Rise, if thou canst, and hear me.

Hostess.
Your commands, sir?

Balthazar.
If in five minutes all things are prepared
For my departure, you may yet survive.

Hostess.
It shall be done in less.

Balthazar.
Away, thou lump-fish!

[Exit Hostess.
Lampedo.
So now comes my turn!—'t is all over with me!—
There 's dagger, rope, and ratsbane, in his looks!

Balthazar.
And now, thou sketch and outline of a man!
Thou thing that hast no shadow in the sun!
Thou eel in a consumption, eldest born
Of Death on Famine! thou anatomy
Of a starv'd pilchard!—

Lampedo.
I do confess my leanness.—I am spare!
And therefore spare me!

Balthazar.
Why! wouldst thou have made me
A thoroughfare for thy whole shop to pass thro'?

Lampedo.
Man, you know, must live!—

Balthazar.
Yes: he must die, too.

Lampedo.
For my patients' sake!—

Balthazar.
I'll send you to the major part of them.—
The window, sir, is open;—come, prepare.—

Lampedo.
Pray, consider!
I may hurt some one in the street.

Balthazar.
Why then
I'll rattle thee to pieces in a dice-box,
Or grind thee in a coffee-mill to powder;
For thou must sup with Pluto:—So, make ready!
Whilst I, with this good small-sword for a lancet,
Let thy starv'd spirit out—for blood thou hast none—
And nail thee to the wall, where thou shalt look
Like a dry'd beetle with a pin struck thro' him.

Lampedo.
Consider my poor wife!

Balthazar.
Thy wife!

Lampedo.
My wife, sir!

Balthazar.
Hast thou dar'd think of matrimony, too?
No flesh upon thy bones, and take a wife!

Lampedo.
I took a wife because I wanted flesh.
I have a wife, and three angelic babes,
Who, by those looks, are well nigh fatherless!

Balthazar.
Well, well! your wife your wife and children shall plead for you.
Come, come! the pills! where are the pills? produce them!

Lampedo.
Here is the box.

Balthazar.
Were it Pandora's, and each single pill
Had ten diseases in it, you should take them.

Lampedo.
What, all?

Balthazar.
Ay, all; and quickly too:—Come, sir, begin!
That 's well;—another.

Lampedo.
One's a dose!

Balthazar.
Proceed, sir!

Lampedo.
What will become of me?
I do beseech you, let me have some drink!
Some cooling liquid, sir, to wash them down!

Balthazar.
Oh, yes—Produce the phial!

Lampedo.
Mercy on me!

Balthazar.
Come, sir, your new-invented patent draught!
You've tried it on a dog; so there is no danger.

Lampedo.
If you have any bowels, think of mine

Balthazar.
Nay, no demur!

Lampedo.
May I entreat to make my will first?

Balthazar.
No: you have nought but physic to bequeath;
And that no one will take, tho' you should leave it.

Lampedo.
Just to step home and see my wife and children?—

Balthazar.
No, sir.

Lampedo.
Let me go home, and set my shop to rights,
And, like immortal Cæsar, die with decency!—

Balthazar.
Away! and thank thy lucky star I have not
Bray'd thee in thine own mortar, or expos'd thee
For a large specimen of the lizard genus.

Lampedo.
Would I were one!—for they can feed on air.

Balthazar.
Home, sir! and be more honest!

[Exit.
Lampedo.
If I am not,
I'll be more wise at least!

[Exit.