University of Virginia Library

ACT III.

SCENE I.

Penelope and Ulysses.
Pen.
If there is Ought besides my House affords,
Call for it freely, Friend, and make no Words.
No longer meanly beg from Door to Door,
You're welcome here upon my Husband's Score.

Ulys.
I doubly thank you for this Bounty shown,
Both on my Friend's Account, and on my own.
O! how I'm pleas'd to see such Virtues wait
On one who lives in such an humble State!
How few, alas! the Wives of high Degree,
Who live to Rules of Abstinence like Thee!
For twenty Years can keep their nuptial Vows,
And present Lovers slight for absent Spouse!
You mind your household Cares, attend your Trade,
Nor ever think upon the Masquerade,
Oblige your Customers, can make a Bill,
And waste no Time at Ombre or Quadrille.

SCENE II.

Enter Cleaver, Thimble, and Hopkins.
Cleav.
So, Widow, have you got a Conj'rer here?
Well, does he tell you that your Wedding's near?
To Ulysses.
Come, tell us, Sydrophel, what say the Skys;
For by your Beard you shou'd be wondrous wise.

Ulys.
Thus say the Stars, if I can read them right,
One here will share her Bed to-morrow Night.

Pen.
Old Hypocrite! are you the Serjeant's Friend?

Hopk.
Have Patience, Widow, till you see the End;
Whoever is decreed, it must be so,
For Matches all are made in Heav'n you know.

Cleav.
Come, next, old Hocus, tell Us, if you can,—

Thimb.
Ay, tell Us, Master Conjurer, the Man.

Ulys.
I'll tell ye all, but in another Place;
It is not proper here before her Face.

Cleav.
SONG I.

All go out but Pen.

SCENE III.

Pen.
How shall I rid Me of this hect'ring Blade?
If I affront him I shall spoil my Trade:
Marry I cannot, will not; what to do
I know not; I'm distracted.

SCENE IV.

Minerva descends in Thunder and Lightening. Penelope screams.
Pen.
Ho! ho! ho!

Min.
Zoons, what the Devil puts you in a Fright?
Is your old Friend Minerva such a Sight?

Pen.
O! save Me Heav'n, I cannot bear the Light!

[Hiding her Face.
Min.
Madam, 'tis I, 'tis Pallas; never wonder.—
Put out your Light'ning there, and hush your Thunder.

Pen.
What brings your Highness here?

Min.
Why, what d'you think?
To see my Tele, and to taste your Drink.
Among the Gods I've often heard it spoke,
We've no such Beer, as at the Royal Oak.
A double Dabber.

[She knocks with her Spear.
Pen.
Hold, poor Dol, I fear,
Wou'd swoon away to see your Highness here;
I'll therefore go myself. Excuse Me, pray.

[She Courtesys as she goes out.
Min.
No Ceremony: go, but do not stay.

SCENE V.

A Noise of fighting from within.
Min.
SONG II.

SCENE VI.

Penelope enters, spilling the Drink down her Apron as she comes in.
Pen.
Lud, I'm so frighted, there is such a Clatter.
Pray cou'd your Highness tell Me what's the Matter?
They all are fighting, and have lock'd the Door:
And certainly I hear Will Cleaver roar.

[A Noise from within.
Min.
You're right; they all are at it now Pelmel.
Well play'd Ulysses faith; have at them Tel.

Pen.
Falling on her Knees.
What can your Highness mean? Pray tell Me true;
I do intreat you by those Eyes so blue.

Min.
I'll tell Thee all; but Nothing rashly.—Drink.
Ulysses soon shall make these Scoundrels stink.

Penelope rises, and drinks to Minerva, who takes the Pot from her after she has drank.
Min.
Pen, you and I have long Acquaintance been.—
Come, here's Success to the good Man within.

[She drinks.
Pen.
Pray—

Min.
Hear me out.—I am your House's Friend;
I guard your Honour, and your Beer commend.
You well remember, when the War begun,
Your Husband left you with an only Son.
Him to the School of Charity I sent,
Where soon he learn'd to read, and fast in Lent.
Bless'd Institution! happy Project! whence
The Poor are Scholars made without Expence;
Whence many an honest Peasant's Son may grow
A rev'rend Lump, and scorn his Father's Plow.
'Twas I myself inspir'd the Notion first;
Let any speak against it if they durst:
Pleas'd the Success great Jove, my Father, sees;
A Fiddle for the Fable of the Bees!

Pen.
All that your Highness says, indeed, is true;
But pray now, Madam, what is that to Ulysses?

Min.
Be still, I say, and hear Me out.—
Fool, 'tis Ulysses that makes all this Rout.—
What, you're uneasy to be gone.—Stand still.—
Zoons, ben't so eager; you shall have your Fill.—
'Twas he that made the Dog, Will Cleaver, roar;
He bang'd him well, and made him pay his Score.
To do him Justice, Tele top'd his Part;
He pinch'd the Taylor till he made him smart:
And as for Cleaver's Trull, your saucy Maid,
She shall mill Neckweed for the Pranks she play'd.
My Husband.—I'm impatient.—Let Me fly.

Min.
Stay.—

[Holding her.
Pen.
Not for all the Ladys of the Sky.

SCENE VII.

She runs out at one Door; and Ulysses enters at the other, in his Serjeant's Coat, beating the Wooers cross the Stage.
Cleav.
Good Master Serjeant be n't in such a Passion.
[Ulysses strikes him under the Ribs.
Zoons, there's a Stota.—Have you no Compassion!

Minerva whispers Ulysses and Telemachus, to encourage them, while Cleaver clinches his Fist in order to strike; but Ulysses prevents him by triping up his Heels.
Min.
Tip him the Flying-horse, or, if he reels,
Throw the Cross-buttock, and trip up his Heels.

Cleav.
'Sblud, I shall fly the Pit, and stay no longer;
The more he fights, I think, he grows the stronger.

He rises, and runs out. While Ulysses is beating off Cleaver, and Telemachus pinching Thimble, Hopkins creeps out.
Thimb.
Nay, Master Tel, I'm not a Match for you.—
I'm sure you've pinch'd Me almost black and blue.

[He goes out.

SCENE VIII.

Ulys.
We thank your Highness for this Service done.—
This is my old Friend Pallas; kneel my Son.

[They both kneel.
Min.
Ulysses rise from off your Marrow-bones;
Rise Tel; you'll hurt yourselves against the Stones.

[They rise.
Min.
I ne'er forget you: I've been here this Hour.

Ulys.
We know it Goddess; for we felt your Pow'r.

Min.
To all but you invisible I've been;
Too pure by vulgar Mortals to be seen;
But yet the Rogues confess'd Me, in their Fright,
Like Dogs which howl when Spirits walk the Night.

Ulys.
To you, great Patroness, I owe my Life.

Min.
Well, say no more.—Go in, and kiss your Wife.

Ulys.
[Turning to Minerva.

SCENE IX.

Penelope
enters.
And let thy Uly rush into thy Arms.
[They embrace.
Marlbro' I envy not thy mighty Name,
Eternal Glory thine, give Me my Dame.

[After all have sung the Chorus to the Musick, a Dance begins; and Minerva, Ulysses, and Penelope join in the Hay; which being over, Minerva comes forward, and speaks the Epilogue.