University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

SCENE I.

STORMANDRA, CAPTAIN BILKUM.
STORMANDRA.
Not, tho' you were the best Man in the Land,
Shou'd you, unpaid for, have from me a Favour?
Therefore come down the Ready, or I go.

BILKUM.
Forbid it, Venus, I shou'd ever set
So cursed an Example to the World:
Forbid, the Rake, in full Pursuit of Joy
Requir'd the unready Ready to come down,
Shou'd curse my Name, and cry, thus Bilkum did;
To him this cursed Precedent we owe.

STORMANDRA.
Rather forbid, that, bilk'd in after-time,
The Chair-less Girl should curse Stormandra's Name,
That as she walks with draggled Coats the Street,
(Coats shortly to be pawn'd) the hungry Wretch
Shou'd bellow out, for this, I thank Stormandra!

BILKUM.
Trust me to-night and never trust me more,
If I do not come down when I get up.

STORMANDRA.
And dost thou think I have a Soul so mean?
Trust thee! dost think I came last Week to Town,
The Waggon Straws yet hanging to my Tail?
Trust thee! oh! when I trust thee for a Groat,
Hanover-Square shall come to Drury-Lane.

BILKUM.
Madam, 'tis well, your Mother may perhaps,
Teach your rude Tongue to know a softer Tone.
And see, she comes, the smiling Brightness comes.

SCENE II.

MOTHER PUNCHBOWL, CAPTAIN BILKUM, STORMANDRA.
STORMANDRA.
Oh! Mother Punchbowl, teach me how to rail;
Oh! teach me to abuse this monstrous Man.

MOTHER.
What has he done?

STORMANDRA.
Sure a Design so base,
Turk never yet conceiv'd.

MOTHER.
Forbid it, Virtue.

STORMANDRA.
It wounds me to the Soul—he wou'd have bilk'd me.

MOTHER.
Ha! in my House! oh! Bilkum, is this true?
Who set thee on, thou Traitor, to undo me,
Is it some envious Sister, such may be;
For even Bawds, I own it with a Blush,
May be dishonest in this vicious Age.
Perhaps, thou art an Enemy to us all,
Wilt join malicious Justices against us.
Oh! think not thus to bribe th'ungrateful Tribe,
The Hand to Bridewel which thy Mother sends,
May one Day send thee to more fatal Goal;
And oh! (avert the Omen all ye Stars)
The very Hemp I beat may hang my Son.

BILKUM.
Mother, you know the Passage to my Heart,
But do not shock it with a Thought so base.
Sooner Fleet-Ditch like Silver Thames shall flow,
The New-Exchange shall with the Royal vye,
Or Covent-Garden's with St. Paul's great Bell:
Give no Belief to that ungrateful Woman;
Gods! who wou'd be a Bully to a Woman?
Canst thou forget—(it is too plain thou canst)
When at the Rummer, at the Noon of Night,
I found thee with a base Apprentice boxing?
And tho' none better dart the clinched Fist,
Yet wast thou over-match'd, and on the Ground
Then like a Bull-Dog in Hockleian Holes,
Rush'd I tremendous on the snotty Foe,
I took him by the Throat and kick'd him down the Stairs.

STORMANDRA.
Dost thou recount thy Services, base Wretch,
Forgetting mine? Dost thou forget the Time,
When shiv'ring on a Winter's icy Morn,
I found thy doatless Carcase at the Roundhouse,
Did I not then forget my proper Woes,
Did I not send for half a Pint of Gin,
To warm th'ungrateful Guts? pull'd I not off
A Quilted-Petticoat to clothe thy Back?
That unskinn'd Back, which Rods had dress'd in red,
Thy only Title to the Name of Captain?
Did I not pick a Pocket of a Watch,
A Pocket pick for thee?

BILKUM.
Dost thou mention
So slight a Favour? Have I not for thee
Fled from the Feather-bed of soft Repose,
And as the Watch proclaim'd approaching Day,
Robb'd the Stage-Coach?—Again, when Puddings hot,
And Well-fleet Oisters cry'd, the Evening come,
Have I not been a Foot-pad for thy Pride!

MOTHER.
Enough, my Children, let this Discord cease,
Had both your Merits had, you both deserve
The Fate of greater Persons—Go, my Son,
Retire to rest—gentle Stormandra soon
Will follow you. See kind Consent appear,
In softest Smiles upon her lovely Brow.

BILKUM.
And can I think Stormandra will be mine!
Once more, unpaid for mine! then I again
Am blest, am paid for all her former Scorn.
So when the doating Hen-peck'd Husband long
Hath stood the Thunder of his Deary's Tongue;
If, Supper over, she attempt to toy,
And laugh and languish for approaching Joy,
His raptur'd Fancy runs her Charms all o'er,
While Transport dances Jiggs thro' ev'ry Pore,
He hears the Thunder of her Tongue no more.

SCENE III.

STORMANDRA, MOTHER PUNCHBOWL.
MOTHER.
Daughter, you use the Captain too unkind,
Forbid it, Virtue, I shou'd ever think
A Woman squeezes any Cull too much,
But Bullies never shou'd be us'd as Culls.
With Caution still preserve the Bully's Love,
A House like this, without a Bully left,
Is like a Puppet-Show without a Punch.
When you shall be a Bawd, and sure that Day
Is written in the Almanack of Fate,
You'll own the mighty Truth of what I say.
So the gay Girl whose Head Romances fill,
By Mother married well against her Will;
Once past the Age that pants for Love's Delight,
Herself a Mother, owns her Mother in the Right.

SCENE IV.

STORMANDRA
sola.
What shall I do? Shall I unpaid to Bed?
Oh! my Lovegirlo! oh! that thou wert here;
How my Heart dotes upon Lovegirlo's Name,
For no one ever paid his Girls like him.
She, with Lovegirlo who had spent the Night,
Sighs not in vain for next Day's Masquerade,
Sure of a Ticket from him—Ha! ye Powers,
What is't I see? Is it a Ghost I see?
It is a Ghost. It is Lovegirlo's Ghost.
Lovegirlo's dead; for if he were not dead,
How cou'd his living Ghost be walking here?

SCENE V.

LOVEGIRLO, STORMANDRA.
LOVEGIRLO.
Surely this is some Holiday in Hell,
And Ghosts are let abroad to take the Air,
For I have seen a Dozen Ghosts to-night
Dancing in merry Mood the winding Hayes,
If Ghosts all lead such merry Lives as these,
Who wou'd not be a Ghost!

STORMANDRA.
Art thou not one?

LOVEGIRLO.
What do I see, ye Stars? Is it Stormandra?

STORMANDRA.
Art thou Lovegirlo?—oh! I see thou art.
But tell me, I conjure, art thou not dead?

LOVEGIRLO.
No, by my Soul I am not.

STORMANDRA.
May I trust thee?
Yet if thou art alive, what dost thou here
Without Stormandra?—but thou needst not say,
I know thy Falshood, yes, perfidious Fellow,
I know thee false as Water or as Hell;
Falser than any thing but thy self—

LOVEGIRLO.
Or thee.
Dares thus the Devil to rebuke our Sin!
Dares thus the Kettle say the Pot is black!
Canst thou upbraid my Falshood! thou! who still
Art ready to obey the Porter's Call,
At any Hour, to any sort of Guest;
Thy Person is as common as the Dirt,
Which Pickadilly leaves on ev'ry Heel.

STORMANDRA.
Can I hear this, ye Stars! injurious Man!
May I be ever bilk'd!—May I ne'er fetch
My Watch from Pawn, if I've been false to you.

LOVEGIRLO.
Oh! Impudence unmatch'd! canst thou deny
That thou hast had a thousand diff'rent Men?

STORMANDRA.
If that be Falshood, I indeed am false,
And never Lady of the Town was true;
But tho' my Person be upon the Town,
My Heart has still been fix'd on only you.

SCENE VI.

LOVEGIRLO, STORMANDRA, KISSINDA.
KISSINDA.
Where's my Lovegirlo? point him out, ye Stars,
Restore him panting to Kissinda's Arms.
Ha! do I see!

STORMANDRA.
Hast thou forgot to rail?
Now call me false, perfidious, and Ingrate,
Common as Air, as Dirt, or as thy self.
Beneath my Rage, hast thou forsaken me?
All my full Meals of luscious Love, to starve
At the lean Table of a Girl like that?

KISSINDA.
That Girl you mention with so forc'd a Scorn,
Envies not all the large Repasts you boast,
A little Dish oft furnishes enough;
And sure Enough is equal to a Feast.

STORMANDRA.
The puny Wretch such little Plates may choose,
Give me the Man who knows a stronger Taste.

KISSINDA.
Sensual and base! to such as you we owe
That Harlot is a Title of Disgrace,
The worst of Scandals on the best of Trades.

STORMANDRA.
That Shame more justly to the Wretch belongs,
Who gives those Favours which she cannot sell.

KISSINDA.
But harder is the wretched Harlot's Lot,
Who offers them for nothing and in vain.

STORMANDRA.
Shew me the Man, who thus accuses me,
I own I chose Lovegirlo, own I lov'd him,
But then I chose and lov'd him as a Cull;
Therefore prefer'd him to all other Men,
Because he better paid his Girls than they.
Oh! I despise all Love but that of Gold,
Throw that aside and all Men are alike.

KISSINDA.
And I despise all other Charms but Love.
Nothing could bribe me from Lovegirlo's Arms;
Him, in a Cellar, wou'd my Love prefer
To Lords in Houses of six Rooms a Floor.
Oh! had I in the World a hundred Pound,
I'd give him all. Or did he, (Fate forbid!)
Want three half Crowns his Reckoning to pay,
I'd pawn my Under-petticoat to lend them.

LOVEGIRLO.
Wou'dst thou, my Sweet? Now by the Powers of Love,
I'll mortgage all my Lands to deck thee fine.
Thou shalt wear Farms and Houses in each Ear,
Ten thousand Load of Timber shall embrace
Thy necklac'd Neck. I'll make thy glitt'ring Form
Shine thro' th'admiring Mall a blazing Star.
Neglected Virtue shall with Envy die,
The Town shall know no other Toast but thee.
So have I seen upon my Lord-Mayor's Day,
While Coaches after Coaches roll away,
The gazing Crowd admire by Turns and cry,
See such and such an Alderman pass by;
But when the mighty Magistrate appears,
No other Name is sounded in your Ears;
The Crowd all cry unanimous—see there,
Ye Citizens, behold the Coach of the Lord Mayor.

SCENE VII.

STORMAMDRA, CAPTAIN BILKUM.
BILKUM.
Why comes not my Stormandra? Twice and once
I've told the striking Clock's increasing Sound,
And yet unkind Stormandra stays away.

STORMANDRA.
Captain, are you a Man?

BILKUM.
I think I am;
The Time has been when you have thought so too,
Try me again in the soft Fields of Love.

STORMANDRA.
'Tis War not Love must try your Manhood now,
By Gin, I swear, ne'er to receive thee more,
'Till curs'd Lovegirlo's Blood has dy'd thy Sword.

BILKUM.
Lovegirlo! Whence this Fury bent on him?

STORMANDRA.
Ha! dost thou question, Coward?—Ask again,
And I will never call thee Captain more.
Instant obey my Purpose, or by Hemp
Rods, all the Horrors Bridewel ever knew,
I will arrest thee for the Note of Hand,
Which thou hast given me for twice one Pound;
But if thou dost, I call my sacred Honour
To witness, thy Reward shall be my Love.

BILKUM.
Lovegirlo is no more. Yet wrong me not,
It is your Promise, not your Threat, prevails.
So when some Parent of Indulgence mild,
Wou'd to the nauseous Potion bring the Child;
In vain to win or frighten to its good,
He cries, my Dear, or lifts the useless Rod;
But if by chance, the Sugar Plumb he shows,
The simp'ring Child no more Reluctance knows;
It stretches out its Finger and its Thumb,
It swallow first, the Potion, then the Sugar Plumb.

SCENE VIII.

STORMANDA
sola.
Go, act my just Revenge, and then be hang'd,
While I retire and gently hang my self.
May Women be by my Example taught,
Still to be good, and never to be naught;
Never from Virtue's Rules to go astray,
Nor ever to believe what Man can say.
She who believes a Man, I am afraid,
May be a Woman long, but not a Maid.
If such blest Harvest my Example bring,
The female World shall with my Praises ring,
And say, that when I hang'd my self, I did a noble thing.

SCENE IX.

MOTHER PUNCHBOWL, KISSINDA, NONPAREL.
MOTHER.
Oh! Nonparel, thou loveliest of Girls,
Thou latest Darling of thy Mother's Years;
Let thy Tongue know no Commerce with thy Heart,
For if thou tellest Truth thou art undone.

NONPAREL.
Fogive me, Madam, this first Fault—henceforth
I'll learn with utmost Diligence to fib.

MOTHER.
Oh! never give your easy Mind to Love,
But poise the Scales of your Affection so,
That a bare Six-pence added to his Scale,
Might make the Cit Apprentice or the Clerk
Outweigh a flaming Col'nel of the Guards.
Oh! never give your Mind to Officers,
Whose Gold is on the outside of the Pocket.
But fly a Poet as the worst of Plagues,
Who never pays with any thing but Words.
Oh! had Kissinda taken this Advice,
She had not now been bilk'd.—

KISSINDA.
Think me not so,
Some hasty Business has Lovegirlo drawn
To leave me thus—but I will hold a Crown
To Eighteen-pence, he's here within an Hour.

SCENE X.

To them LEATHERSIDES.
MOTHER.
Oh! Leathersides, what means this newsful Look?

LEATHERSIDES.
Through the Piaches as I took my way
To fetch a Girl, I at a distance view'd
Lovegirlo, with great Captain Bilkum fighting,
Lovegirlo push'd, the Captain parry'd, thus
Lovegirlo push'd, he parried again;
Oft did he push, and oft was push'd aside.
At length the Captain with his Body thus,
Threw in a cursed Thrust in Flanconade.
'Twas then—oh! dreadful Horror to relate!
I at a Distance saw Lovegirlo fall,
And look as if he cry'd—oh! I am slain.

[Kissinda sinks into Nonparel's Arms.]

SCENE XI.

To them GALLONO.
GALLONO.
Give me my Friend, thou most accursed Bawd,
Restore him to me drunken as he was,
Ere thy vile Arts seduc'd him from the Glass.

MOTHER.
Oh! that I cou'd restore him—but alas!
Or drunk or sober, you'll ne'er see him more,
Unless you see his Ghost—his Ghost, perhaps,
May have escap'd from Captain Bilkum's Sword.

GALLONO.
What do I hear!—oh damn'd accursed Jade,
Thou art the Cause of all—With artful Smiles
Thou didst seduce him to go home ere Morn.
Bridewel shall be thy Fate, I'll give a Crown
To some poor Justice to commit thee thither,
Where I will come and see thee flogg'd my self.

KISSINDA.
One flogg'd as I am can be flogg'd no more;
In her Lovegirlo, Miss Kissinda liv'd:
The Sword that pass'd thro' poor Lovegirlo's Heart,
Pass'd eke thro' mine, he was three fifths off me.

SCENE XII.

To them BILKUM.
BILKUM.
Behold the most accursed of humankind,
I for a Woman with a Man have fought;
She, for I know not what, has hang'd herself,
And now Jack-Ketch may do the same for me.
Oh! my Stormandra!

MOTHER.
What of her?

BILKUM.
Alas!
She's hang'd herself all to her Curtain's Rod,
I saw her swinging and I ran away.
Oh! if you lov'd Stormandra, come with me;
Skin of your Flesh, and bite away your Eyes;
Lug out your Heart, and dry it in your Hands;
Grind it to Powder, make it into Pills,
And take it down your Throat.

MOTHER.
Stormandra's gone!
Weep all ye Sister-Harlots of the Town;
Pawn your best Clothes, and clothe yourselves in Rags.
Oh! my Stormandra!

KISSINDA.
Poor Lovegirlo's slain.
Oh! give me way, come all you Furies, come,
Lodge in th'unfurnish'd Chambers of my Heart,
My Heart which never shall be let again
To any Guest but endless Misery,
Never shall have a Bill upon it more.
Oh! I am mad methinks, I swim in Air,
In Seas of Sulphur and eternal Fire,
And see Lovegirlo too.

GALLONO.
Ha! see him! where?
Where is the much-lov'd Youth—oh! never more
Shall I behold him. Ha! Distraction wild
Begins to wanton in my unhing'd Brain:
Methinks I'm mad, mad as a wild March Hare;
My muddy Brain is addled like an Egg,
My Teeth, like Magpies, chatter in my Head;
My reeling Head! which akes like any mad.
Omnes.
Oh!

LEATHERSIDES.
Was ever such a dismal Scene of Woe?

SCENE the last.

To them LOVEGIRLO, STORMANDRA, and a FIDLER.
KISSINDA.
Lovegirlo lives—oh! let my eager Arms
Press him to Death upon my panting Breast.

BILKUM.
Oh! all ye Powers of Gin, Stormandra lives.

STORMANDRA.
Nor Modesty, nor Pride, nor Fear, nor Rep,
Shall now forbid this tender chaste Embrace.
Henceforth I'm thine as long as e'er thou wilt.

GALLONO.
Lovegirlo!

LOVEGIRLO.
Oh, Joy unknown, Gallono.

MOTHER.
Come all at once to my capacious Arms,
I know not where I shou'd th'Embrace begin;
My Children! oh! with what tumultuous Joy
Do I behold your almost virtuous Loves.
But say, Lovegirlo, when we thought you dead;
Say, by what lucky Chance we see you here?

LOVEGIRLO.
In a few Words I'll satisfy your Doubt,
I through the Coat was, not the Body, run.

BILKUM.
But say, Stormandra, did I not behold
Thee hanging to the Curtains of thy Bed?

STORMANDRA.
No, my dear Love, it was my Gown, not me,
I did intend to hang my self, but ere
The Knot was ty'd, repented my Design.

KISSINDA.
Henceforth, Stormandra, never rivals more,
By Bilkum you, I by Lovegirlo kept.

LOVEGIRLO.
Foreseeing all this sudden Turn of Joy,
I've brought a Fidler to play forth the same.

MOTHER.
I too will shake a Foot on this blest Day.

LOVEGIRLO.
From such Examples as of this and that,
We all are taught to know I know not what.