University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

SCENE I.

Cassander, Phillip, Thessalus.
CASANDER.
He comes, the Blustering Bully of the World,
The Headlong Alexander, with a Croud
Of gaping Fools, comes on to Babylon.
Oh! how it makes me Glad as any thing,
To think that we shall see him rack't e're long:
I know he Loves Statira more than to'ther Bottle,
But when he hears the Oaths that she has Rapp'd,
Her Vow'd Disvorce, how will the News confound him.

Phil.
To baulk his Longing, and delude his Lust,
Is more than Death! 'tis Earnest for the Devil and all.

Cas.
Then comes Roxana who must help our Party,
She's Jealous, Bloody—Come my Lads be hearty.

Thes.
To see two Noisy Jilts by Turns to seize him.

Cas.
With a Variety of Torment Teize him.

Phil.
The one pursues him, while the other flies him,

Cas.
The one he flys, whom he pursues denies him.
But Mum—For see Lysimachus is comeing,
Hephestion too! Look sharp, and fall a Humming,
Hum! hum! hum!

Enter Lysimachus and Hephestion.
Lys.
Here will I stand and wait the Kings approach,
And if to do me Justice he think much,
You Sir, and I must have another touch.

Hep.
with all my Heart Sir, let the King decide it,
But your dry Boxing faith I can't abide it.

Thes.
How the Mobb gathers!

Cass.
Nothing to what it will—do's he not come,
To pay a thousand, thousand Creditors?
Which of all Trades bring in their Bills to Day,
As if the Parliament of the World,
Had met, and rais'd a Sum, that might Discharge
The infinite Arrears o'th Universe.

Enter Aristander and Clytus.
Ar.
Haste hobbling Clytus! haste and stop the King.

Clyt.
Why, what's the matter?

Ar.
O! The damndest thing—
That ever Malice to his Shame cou'd bring.

Clyt.
Stand here, the Crowds that offer him Assistance,
Keep all that shou'd approach at certain Distance.

Ar.
Tho' he were hem'd with Dutchesses I'd tell
[play Tongs &c. here.
My News, and turn him back from Jayle,

Clyt.
He comes! his Tongs and Grid-Irons strike my Ears.
And see the Bully of the World appears.

Enter Alexander, all kneel but Clytus
Hep.
O Son of some Body, Live for ever!

Alex.
Rise half! half of the rest get up—
And now Rise all.
O my Hephestion, Raise thee on thy Leggs,
Up to my Lips, and jump into my Mouth,
Why hang thy Arms so like a Changling!
Kiss me, or else by Heaven thou Lov'st me not,

Hep.
Not Love my Lord!
Break not the Heart youv'e put into a Frame,
And made the Moulding of such an Excellence!
'Twas only fit for your immortal Picture.
Not Love the King! such is not Harlots Love!
So fond of fooling, such a swealing flame,
As I must doubt to find in Lamps of Oyl.

Alex.
Thou dost (kiss me dear Rogue) thou dost, I know
Thou Lov'st me more, than Clytus do's a Beau,
Nay, don't Cry Hephestion;
I read thy Passion in thy Manly Eyes,
And Glory in those Plannets of my Life,
Above the Glareing Lights that shine to Kensington.

Lys.
So: so, I'm like to Thrive,
But tho' I Tilt with him, I'll on.

Alex.
Give me thy Hand, share all my Stars while
I'm alive, and when my Hour of Fate comes on,
I'll leave thee what thou merits more than I,
The Moon.

Lys.
Dread Sir, I Swop me at your Royal Feet.

Alex.
What my Lysimachus! whose Guts are full
Of Our Illustrious Liquor, Cozen, Rise,
Is not that Clytus?

Cly.
Your old Ragged Soldier.

Alex.
Come Buss me both, and let me Hug you close,
And now methinks I stand like an unfeather'd Cock
Well Trust, and Ready for the Spit.
My Liver Thou; and Thou my Mighty Gizzard.
I've seen thy Sword out slice a Cleavers Chop;
And when I've cry'd begon and Execute,
I've seen him run swifter than starting Hinds,
Nor touch'd the very Ground he trod upon,
Swifter than Whimsys in a Poets Brain.
For even the Winds with all their Stock of Wings
Have puff'd behind as wanting Breath to reach him.

Cly,
Who wou'd not Love his last
Dear drop of Blood for such a Complement?

Alex.
Witness my Eldest Sister in the Sky,
How much I love a Soldier! O my Clytus!
Was it not when we past the Granicus,
Thou did'st preserve me from a world of Thumps?
It was; when Spythredates, and Rhesaces
Fell both upon me with two swinging Licks,
And broke my Studdy'd Snuff-Box all to shatters;
Then I remember, then thou didst me serve,
I think my Poker whipt him thro' the Midriff,

Cly.
To your great Self you owe that Bout, and sure
You ne'er Laid on so thick before.

Alex.
By Heavens I never did: For well thou knowst
And I am prouder to have told that Lye
Then that I scour'd a Million o're the Plain.
Can none remember! Yes, you need not Speak,
I know all must—Or if you don't, no Matter:
When Glory like a cock'd up Beaver stood
Pearch't on my Foretop, in the Grannick Flood;
When Fortune's Fist my Gauntlet trembling wore,
And the Pale Fates did something on the Shoar;
When the Immortals on the Waves got up,
And I my self appear'd the leading Fop.

Ar.
But all the Frolicks that that your Youth has done
Are lost, unless you fly from Babylon.
Haste to some place of Privilege, away,
Fly for your Life, you'r Catch-pold if you stay.
This Morning having search't the Offices,
To the King's-Bench, I went, and Common-Pleas,
And found against you Writs in both of these;
Then to the Attorney, Fee'd with flatter'd hope,
In haste I ran to make the matter up,
When he'll Appearance take, he Answers mild,
'Twas so of Old, and the great Lawyer smil'd;
But now in Hoarse Voice, surly he Reply'd;
Loud as the Roar of London-Bridge he cry'd,
I tell you Sir, your Prigg of Babylon,
To his stone Doublet will be dragg'd anon;
Unless he straight find City Bail, or Money down.

Alex.
Be witness for me, all ye powers Divine,
If Fools will trust me, 'tis no fault of mine:
Therefore let Bayliffs face me with a Band
I'th Dark, my Courage still her Ground shall stand;
While my Statira shines I cannot Stray,
Love lifts his Link to Light me on the Way,
And her Eyes are Flambeaus—As a Man may say.

Lys.
E're you remove, be pleas'd, Dread Sir,
To let me speak a Word with you.

Alex.
Out with it.

Lys.
For all that I have done for you Abroad,
I beg your Sister here at Home.

Alex.
Do you so! I thought I'd told you once before
Hephestion had a mind to her: No more.

Lys.
Hephestion!

Alex.
Look'ee, don't you be troublesome.

Lys.
Sir, when you Command me not to Love your Sister,
I must confess I Disobey you as I wou'd
The Gods above, shou'd they Command.

Alex.
You should Brave, Sir? Hear me and then
Don't Speak: When by my Order curst Calistenes
Was as a Scoundrel ty'd both Neck and Heels,
Your Pity loos'd him in dispight of Me;
Don't think that I forgoe the Business, Sir,
No, tho' I Pardon'd it: Yet if again
Thou dare'st to plague me with another such;
The Fists of Fury shall be doubled at thee:
In the mean time think not of my little Sister,
For if thou do'st, by Gimini, Gomini!
By something else, and as I hope to live,
I'll not Respect that Drink of mine thou share'st,
But Use thee as the Vilest Sillytonian.

Lys,
I doubted not at first, but it would come
To Nothing: But my Soul's resolv'd
And I shall never quit so brave a Girle,
While I can clinch my Fist's, or lift a Cudgell.

Alex.
Against my Bones! Ha! was't not so! how Now!
'Tis said that I am Rash; or an odd Humour,
But I appeal to any Soul alive,
If another Man now wou'd not have broke his Head;
This Rogue whom I cou'd beat to Clouts
Dare utter Cuffs and Cudgells.

Cly.
Contain your self, dear Sir, my worthy Friend,
I see it in his Phiz; wou'd dye upon the Spot
To do you a piece of Service; but Love
You know's the Devil.

Lys.
I mean't his Puppy there should feel my Fist,
For Love demands him Beat, or shall he live
To Laugh at me, without a Nose in Blood.

Alex.
Now be thy own Judge,
I pardon thee, because I've a mind to't,
But if once more thou mention thy rash Love,
Or dar'st Attempt Hephestion's precious Bones;
I'll pour such Spouts of Indignation on thee,
No Hackney Coach-man in the Rain, No Ratt
E're drown'd was half so souz'd as thou shall't be.

Hep.
My Lord, the Queen comes to Congratulate
Your safe and sound Arival.

Enter Sysigambis and Parisatis.
Alex.
Oh thou best of Women!
Dam of my Joy, blest Parent of my Love!

Sys.
Permit me thus to make a Curtsy, Sir,
And pay you such Respect as is your due;
When we were all so bare that not an Eye
Beheld us without a Tear: Yours pitty'd us:
You like a Father Cloathed us from Head to Foot,
Gave us clean Shifts, and we grew sweet again.

Par.
Which when a Soul forgets so well Rigg'd Out,
May it be brought to the old Raggs again.

Alex.
To meet me thus, was mighty prittily done,
But still there wants to crown my Happiness,
My dear Statira, Powder of my Hearr,
And Bullet of my Brain, had she but shot
To meet me here, had she gone off;
By this time, I'd been among'st the Gods:
If I cou'd but have told, how to a got up,
If any Extasy cou'd make a Ladder,
Or, any Rapture Jerk us to the Heavens.

Clyt.
I wou'd not be the Fool in his way,
That now shall venture to inform him of her Vow.

Alex.
How fares my Statty! ha! neither Answer me,
Ye raise my Wonders! strike me Dumb, Deaf, and Blind,
If Royal Sysigambis do's not Cry!
Is she not well! or is it worse? keep down ye rising Sighs,
And Grumble in the hollow of my Guts,
Run to my Heart, and see what you can do there;
That when to crack a Jest, I call you forth,
Ye may at once Rush through the Doors of Life,
Blow my Blood out, and burst me like a Bladder.

[Squts himself hard upon a Bladder and breaks it.]
Cass.
How will this Cannon of unruly Whimsys
Roar when we have cram'd him to the Mouth with Powder?

Alex.
Why stand ye all as ye were Rooted here,
And none will Answer—what not my Hephostion?
If ever I oblig'd thee by my Care,
When my quick sight has watch'd thee in the War,
Or, if when bruis'd; I've helpt thee to a Plaister,
Ease me, and tell the Cause of my Disaster.

Hep.
Statira, Sir, (which I had told before,
Had not you been so out of Humour)
Has no Disease but sullenness;
She heard (for what can scape a jealous Spouse)
That you at Susa breaking all your Vows,
Relaps'd and Jilted by Roxana's Wiles,
Gave up your self a Cully to her Smiles;
For which in the Wild fury of her Love she swore,
Never to see you in a Chamber more.

Alex.
Oones! did she swear! did that sweet Creature Swear?
No, I'll not believe it, she is all Sylliness,
All melting mild, and calm as a laid Lamb,
Nor can you wake her into Ba! by Heaven,
She is the Child of Love, and she was born in Similies.

Par.
I and my sobbing Mother heard her swear,

Alex.
O Statira!

Sys.
Have patience Son, if my Authority
Can work upon her, she again is yours.

Alex.
Oh! Mother help me? stand by me; help your Son,
And move the Soul of my Ill-Natur'd Dear.
But fly, haste before she Locks her Door,
Spend not a thought in a Reply but get you gone
As you wou'd have me thrive—and Parisatis,
Hang thou about her Cloaths, and wet 'em with thy Tears;
Nay, haste, the breath of Gods, and Eloquence
Of any thing else go along with you.
O my Lungs!

Sys.
Now Sir, I hope since you perceive what are,
The Damn'd Plagues of Love, you'll think of mine.

Alex.
Ha!

Cly.
You Fool! is this a Time?

Alex.
Why do'st thou tempt me thus to break thy Head?
Drubbs thou shou'dst have, were they not courted so—
But however, Guards take him Prisoner.

Lys.
I shall not easily resign my Sword,
'Till I have struck it in my Rivals Guts.

Alex.
I charge You Kill him! take him alive!

Cly.
Kneel, for I see the Devil in his Eyes.

Lys.
I neither Ask, nor Hope a Pardon of him,
But far from it, that wheresoe're I meet
My Rival next, I'll beat his Nose flat.

Alex.
Sure we at last shall quench this fiery Spark,
Perdiccas, here, take this Fire to the Pump,
None speak for him, fly, stop his Mouth, away,

Cly.
This comes of Love and Ladies;
And yet had I now but a Bottle in my Head,
I shou'd go near to Crab the King about him.

Alex.
Come hither Clytus, and my dear Hephestion,
Lend me your Hands, I'm sick at the Stomach:
I fear between Statira's cross Grain'd Love
And sly Roxana's Tricks, I shall have a World of Plague.

Hep.
Better the Persian Jades were all Unrig'd.

Alex.
Stand off, and give me Air.
Why was I born a God, proclaim'd a Prince,
Yet never cou'd arrive at Common Sense!
Farewel then Whoring, and the Jests of Love,
By all the Gods I'll to the Tavern move;
Call for the Best, and pay my Money down,
And quite forget I ever Scor'd a Crown.