University of Virginia Library

SCENE. I.

A Hall.
Enter Antonio and Feliciana.
Fel.
I never was so Toung-worried in my Life,
Thou art more troublesome then a Woman-Wit
And altogether as Impertinent.

Ant.
To see how Pride corrupts manners, rather then
Confess your Frailty, you'l be rude; But do stifle
Your passion till it choak you, do—till like a
Secret in a Fool it itches, so to be reveal'd you
May scratch your self to death for vexation.

Fel.
Sweet Soul, how it fancies it self; I'le call for a
Cestern of water, where like Amorous Narcissus
It shall Court the shadow of its own Beauties.

Ant.
If you'l Act Diana, I may see some of your Ladyships:

Fel.
Wou'd I were any thing but what I am;

Ant.
I'le make worse of you presently if yon please:

Fel.
Art thou a Man?

Ant.
You had best try:

Fel.
No, thou hast the Appearance of many, but not the Soul
Of one, thou art a Compound of all Nations, without
The perfections of any; thou art neither well-
Fashion'd, Well-made, nor well-bred, but a most
Compleat bungle of Nature; Thou hast the
Insolence of a Spaniard, the heavyness of a
Dutch-Man, the haughtiness of a German, the dullness of
An Irish-Man, and the Impudence of an English-Man.

Ant.
I am glad on't with all my heart, for thou hast
All the Pride of an Italian, the Gayety of a
French-woman, the management of a Venetian,
And the Spirit of a Welsh-woman.

Fel.
I'le stay no longer;

Ant.
You shall:

Fel.
You will not force me.

Ant.
No, but I'le keep you here

Fel.
And I shan't go,

Ant.
No:

Fel.
No:

Ant.
No—you shan't, you shan't, faith; not
That I am fond of your Company, but since I
Have no other, I will not be left alone:

Fel.

You had as good, for I'le not loose another
word on thee:

Ant.
So much the better; when the Thunder's expell'd
The Sky may grow clear, and I like a Landskip
better then a Storm.

Fel.
Your Importunity's intollerable.

Ant.
Then I have my Ends—and I'le be as diligent
In perplexing thee as I would in my attendance
On a great Man, who to ease himself of an
Assiduous Suiter, bestows something on him to
Keep him out of the way, and so is tyred into a kindness.

Fel.

I could find in my heart to marry thee to be
rid of thee.

Ant.
Faith do, 'tis as good a Receipt for Separation,
As borrowing Money is to break Friendship;
'Tis a Trade among the Grandees all over
Europe, A man of Quality would no more
Be seen with his Wife after he has treated her
Relations and secur'd her Portion, then a Mistriss
Would admit of the Visits of her Cully when she
had spent his Estate, or a Gamester endure
The Conversation of his Buble after he had
won all.

Fel.
How proud you are of these Villanies and
With what pleasure you relate 'em:

Ant.
Therefore I would have the women be wiser and
Take the Man they like without that sure
Physick of Matrimony, it kecks in the stomach,
And works in each Faculty, and purges out the
Very desire we Wed for: Love's like a Bottle
When freely propos'd, to depart when you
Please, or as long as you please, but when once
Is Constrain'd it Curdles i'th Blood, it palls every
Tale; Each Glass is a Potion, and poisons the
Kind Conversation you met for.

Fel.
What can'st thou see in that impudent face
Of thine, to imagine any she-thing would trust
Thee without substantial Security?

Ant.
Faith nothing, but that Impudence you speak of:
Assurances is half in half with a woman.
If we're modest when we woo you, you're
Afraid we'le be bashfull when we have you.
If the Spirit be meek, you Conjecture the Flesh
Must be feeble, and a modest Lawyer can
Never have good Practice.

Fel.
Nor an Impudent one a good Reputation, he
May baffle a Cause, but never maintain one.

Ant.
Come, you're conceited;

Fel.
I am sorry I invade your Property:

Ant.
Your Sex is all Vanity:

Fel.
And yours all deceit, 'tis the practice of
Your Souls to seduce us into Faith, you're
Never well but when you're belov'd, nor easy
When you are so, Change is your delight,
And Constancy your Scandall; you Curse
Every man that's falser then your selves,
And are Potent in nothing but perjury.

Ant.
Well I'le have done for the present, and like
An Ingenious Preacher leave off whilst my
Sermon is hot in your memory, and not
Doze your Attention with dwelling too long on
The Subject, therefore hoping you may edify by
My Present Doctrine, I'le finish my text at
Our next meeting—Farewell.

Fel.
With all my heart:

Ant.
You'l Cry when I'm gone:

Fel.
'Twill be for fear of your return then:

Ant.
Well, I can have the Liberty of Serenading,
And expect not to sleep when I wake.

Fel.
Wou'd thou wert gone once.

Ant.
I am departing:

Fel.
Peace be with you:

Ant.
I will so maul thee when I have thee.

Fel.
No, I shall sleep then I suppose without Serenading:

Ant.
May all thy thoughts thy Soul towards mans Flesh bend.

[Exit.
Fel.
And may you prove as good as you pretend,
Well, I do like this Fellow,
And Love him I'm afraid,
But I am sensible he has as good thoughts of me:
What Fools are women to hide their inclination,
When they are satisfyed the man's their own:
But 'tis a Policy our Mothers teach us
Persuading 'twill inflame the Lover more,
When Every Tedious hour delays our bliss,
And makes us keep what most we wish were his.

[Exit.