 | The Novelty |  |
ACT II. All without Money.
A short Comedy.
SCENE the Pall-Mall.Enter Needmore, follow'd by Speedwel.
Need.
Hey! Speedwell! Where the Devil's this Blockhead?
Speed.
At your heels, Sir, light enough in Belly and Purse not to
lag far behind. Well, at last your Creditors have their turn; you've made
them walk, and now they make you run.
Need.
The worst is, I have been balk'd where ever I went, and can't raise
a penny.
Speed.
Alas, Sir, my heart akes for you; I'm sure my Legs do with following
you; with much fear, but no money, a heavy heart, and a light pair of
heels, you've made as many doubles to day as any hunted Hare; the truth is,
you've scap'd a whole Kennel of Hounds.
Need.
Ay, a damn'd Pack of Dogs had me in the Wind.
Speed.
'Tis well I had you in the Wind too, for I shou'd certainly have been
poyson'd in some of those damn'd Alleys we went thro. Well, I'm bound to
pray for Persumers the longest day I live: Therefore, sweet Sir, if you have
any kindness for your poor Servant, Pay honest Signor Pulvilio the first.
Need.
We have gone thro some unpleasant By-ways, I confess.
Some did you say? Why, no Sculking Scribbler, or Tally-man
goes thro more in a week, I think. Then, in the streets, if you but spy'd
some one of your many Duns, you turn'd short, run like the Devil, or stept
into some house, to ask for some body, who, to your knowledge, was not
there: Presently after push'd forward; then, to avoid another, you started,
wheel'd about, or made a shew of looking on a Wall; now whisk'd thro an
Inn, next thro some blind passage, till, like a Ship still tacking about, you at
last just got—to the place from whence you came.
Need.
The best Masters of Ships sometimes can do no more.
Speed.
You're like a Master of a Ship indeed, for your Rigging and whole
Cargo belong to other men.
Need.
To the Devil and your Dogship.
[He kicks him.
Speed.
I beg the Devil's Pardon, and yours, Sir, I had forgot my self.
Need.
Yes, you sawcy insulting Rascal, and always do.
Speed.
I know it, Sir; had I not, I had left you long ago, when you first saluted
me thus, for advising you to keep in compass, as my old Master order'd
me. Well, I deserue it all, wicked Rogue as I am, for breaking the many
Oaths I've made to quit your service—But I am too generous to leave a Gentleman
in distress; and therefore I'll stay till I see you clear, if possible; for, as
for the Salary you owe me, I scarce look for't.
Need.
You need not; you are Knave enough to have cheated me of more.
Speed.
But I was Fool enough to let you cheat me again the lawful way of
Loan. Well, I give that over too; only remember, Sir, a Man may cause
his own Dog to bite him; and when I leave you, all your Creditors, especially
Monsieur Le Diable, will have more power over you than ever.
Need.
Sayst thou so? Well then, for thy good Nature I will reward thee.
[Needmore puts his hand in his pocket.
Speed.
Ha, ha, hah! What makes your hand there? To my knowledge you
ha'nt one Cross left. Your Breeches are now in the fashion, a damn'd deal of
Pocket, but no Lining: You would have taken a Coach else, but that you fear'd
being serv'd as you once was, keep it all day for want of Money to discharge
it, and be oblig'd to bilk it at night. Your Watch too is gone, and your fine
Snuff-Box. The Painted one I have secur'd
[He pulls it out, and takes Snuff out
of it.]
for the pretty Posture's sake, or it had been gone at Play-last night—
But here 'tis for you, Sir.
[Takes Snuff again, and gives it him.
Need.
There, Sir! you love Snuff I perceive.
[Throws the Snuff in his face.
Speed.
Ay, but not so much at once tho. So! Farewell Orangerie and Bergamotte.
Item half a Crown for that; which puts me in mind of about seven
pound due for Snuff, Cards, and Chocolate: And the Fruit-womans Bill too
of four pounds odd money, as conscionable as a Pothecary's. I don't think
there's a Chair-man or Coach-man you don't owe Money to. I dare say you're
already in debt to the She-Farmers of the Side-Boxes in the Play-house.
Need.
Well, Rascal! What then? half the fine fellows in Town do as
much—I shall be able to pay my Debts shortly.
Speed.
E'Gad, that won't be like half the fine Fellows in Town then—
But I fear, the Money you expect will go like the rest, that is (like half the
fine Fellows in Town too) you'll scorn to pay a farthing of your Debts with it, but
will wisely chuse to play it away—Well, may I never see money again, if I
those fifty Guineas, and made your self a clear Gentleman.
Need.
'Tis true; and it plagues me; for I have invited Theodosia to sup with
me here at my Lodgings to night.
Speed.
So! The Devil ow'd you a shame, and he means to pay you. How
do you think to treat 'em?—Ha! Let me see! There's a new Beau-Peruke!
Pray, Sir, how much does that cost upon Rep?
Need.
Only 35 Guineas, Sir.
Speed.
Zoons! That's more than head and all is worth. I'm afraid I shall
see you in Jail for Perriwigs and Powder!—Come, pull it off, Sir; pull it off, and
put on that you tick'd for before this, and then?
Need.
What then?
Speed.
What then! Why then, I'll pawn this and treat your Mistress.
Need.
Prithee take my head too.
Speed.
A Beau's head! Nay then no Broker will take it in—Well, I find
a good Wig is the very last Moveable a Beau will part with.
Need.
But without fooling, what's to be done now?
Speed.
Nothing without fooling: Unless we can fool that testy Cook Le
Soupe, your Guests must chew the Cud, and all of us go supperless to Bed.
Need.
You know I shall have a Bill from my Father within these ten days.
and then I'll pay him; so tell him.
Speed.
So you told him these ten months—alas, Sir, you modish people
have no Almanacks, that makes you forget your selves, and play at Cards
o' Sundays—But here comes Mr Freeman: Be sure you strike him, he's your
friend; and to make him more so, humour him, fawn on him, commend him:
Flattery is a sort of bad Money, for which even the wisest often part part with
good.
Enter Freeman.
Freem.
I came to look you.
Need.
My dear, dear Freeman! I'm heartily glad to see you. This is a
kindness beyond my hopes. What can I serve you in? Speak, you know I'm
always ready to serve my Friend, I'm open and free, and you may command me.
Free.
I thank you: Let affectation dwell at Court; I'm without fomality,
your friend.
Need.
'Twere a Crime to doubt it: But, Complements aside, pray let me
know what brought you hither?
Free.
With all my heart.
Smiling.
Speed.
I must know too.
(aside and peeping.)
Free.
You must know, I come to pass away this evening with you.
Speed.
So!
(aside)
Need.
How unhappy am I, that you can't! You must pardon me, my dear
Friend; for I expect Company to night.
Free.
Yes, Theodosia: She told me so her self; and entreated me to bring
Clara to sup with you too; of which I thought fit to give you notice, that you
might not be surpriz'd.
Need.
More Guests! But 'twill be at his cost; or e'gad they're like to be
worse surpriz'd.
[aside.
Well, what say you to this matter.
Speed.
Have a good heart, Sir.
(aside to his Master)
Need.
You may be sure, you'll be all as welcom as I can make you.
Speed.
E'gad the welcom he'll find, he's like to bring along with him,
(Aside
Free.
Then I'm resolv'd to be merry to night, and drown in Champaign a
damn'd melancholic humour that hangs upon me.
Speed.
Champaign and no Money, I don't like this beginning.
(aside.)
Need.
Can you have occasion to be melancholic, you who are the envy of
the Men, and the Darling of the Women?
Free.
What a pox, hast thou lately been reading the Academy of Complements?
If I did not know thou ha'st money, I should think thou ha'st a mind
to borrow some of me.
Speed.
Ten pound to a Supper he lends us none.
(aside.)
Need.
Whence proceeds then your being out of humour?
Free.
From that which makes every body so, I've parted with all my
money the old way.
Speed.
Oh! Now for a Cordial! 'Tis well, if he don't ask us to lend.
(aside.)
Need.
I'm heartily sorry for your loss.
Speed.
So am I too, as I wish for a Supper to night.
(aside.)
Free.
The loss is not much; 'tis the manner of it vexes me most, for I lost
all running, without so much us turning a stake.
Speed.
Sir, Sir, lend Mr Freeman 10 or 20 Guineas.
Free.
By no means, I shall have money to morrow.
Speed.
Nay, Sir, you know my Master's always ready to serve his Friend, he's
open and free, and you may command him.
Free.
I know it—But a pox o' Fortune I say, she deals us good or bad luck
as she does Stations, or we Cards; Knaves, and Kings shuffled up together. I'm
afraid there were Sharpers in the Company.
Need.
That's not unlikely; they get now into the best: for there are some of
all Ranks. For this, I my self have now forsworn play; tho that's the way to
find the days tedious, and lose one's interest with half the Beau monde: But I
find that playing on the square is like dealing on the square, the ready way to
be undone. Yet do not curse Fortune, my friend; you should rather pray to
her, she has been, and may be kinder to you.
Free.
No, if she's a female, as her fickleness proves her, by a spirit of contradiction,
she'll be sure to be kindest to those that respect her least. Well, adieu
till night! We'll come betimes.
Speed.
Ay, sooner than welcom, I dare say.
(aside.)
Need.
Your Servant.
Exit Freeman.
Speed.
Faith, Sir, I'm afraid he smoak'd you.
Need.
I hope not. Yet friends when we're in prosperity cleave to us, as
Quick-silver does to Gold; but forsake us alike in the fiery Tryal.
Speed.
Ay, Sir; those are your Town friends: They're like your Town
Wines and Town Wenches, e'gad you may try ten before you light on one
that's right or sound.
Well, will you bethink your self how to bring me off from this handsomly?
Speed.
I! I can't tell what to do in it.
Need.
What, then will you see me disgrac'd, and give Theodosia occasion to
frown on me for a month together? Prithee try to get us something to eat.
Speed.
'Tis vain, Sir; your Creditors are now no fools—Come along with me,
and see if I lye; which if I do, may I be bound to pay your debts, and that
I would not do for half an East India Bribe.
Need.
But how shall I get off?
Speed.
E'ne do as Ladies do when they're in love with their Doctor, feign
your self sick and take your bed.
Need.
Then they'll come to see what my Distemper is, and finding I have no
Fever, presently call for Supper.
Speed.
Send for some eminent Physician, he'll order you some damn'd Drench
and make you sick enough.
Need.
You know I dread Physick as I do Poyson.
Speed.
Or a Bayliff—Ay, I had forgot that; there's scarce a Town Spark,
but is as much set against Pills and Bolus, I think, as against Marriage and Repentance;
and that makes 'em delay those three bitter Remedies to the last.
Well then, suppose I pretended you were gone to fight a Duel.
Need.
How! shall a Gentleman pretend a Duel?
Speed.
Why, 'tis as common now to pretend 'em as assignations; tho 'twere
but to excuse the wounds got in a pleasanter sort of encounter.
Need.
But this false report would frighten Theodosia into real sickness.
Speed.
Very good! Go on, I perceive you intend to be a man of your
word.
Need.
No, prethee tell me what I must do?
Speed.
S'death, Sir, I'd as soon undertake to get you off, when fluster'd, from
a gaming Club, or chatting Mask in the Play-house.
Need.
Well, I will be wholly guided by thee.
Speed.
Leave me then; I have a whim in my head may chance to set you
free.
Need.
Prithee let me know it?
Speed.
Ay, as we do a Prophecy, when it has taken effect.
Need.
Why will you hide it from me?
Speed.
That it may be hid from other people—What, tell a Beau a secret?
a Chambermaid would not do it.
(aside.)
Need.
But it may be some pitiful mean thing.
Speed.
A mean thing, and I contrive it!
Need.
Let's consult about it together.
Speed.
No consultations, Sir: Two will keep Councel if one be away.
Need.
I must submit then to your Will and Pleasure.
Speed.
You should have consider'd before you had made the Invitation.
'Sbud, leave me to my self.
Need.
Methinks—
Speed.
Leave me, I say; You disturb me worse than a talking Better does a
busie Gamester.
Well, I must endure any thing as matters go now.
Speed.
So! Now I command. This 'tis to serve an unthinking Master. I
was kept to wait on his idleness at the Colledge, and must attend his extravagance
in Town; till with a little more experience, I may set up for my self,
get as much by rooking, as he has lost by fair play, and then look as big on
him, as others formerly of my function do now on their Betters. But in the
mean time my brains must work for his. Stay! I have it! I'll whip over
to Theodosia's and put it in practice.
[He runs cross the Stage, and knocks at the Door,
Enter Dorothy, Opening the Door.
Dor.
Oh! Is it you? What's your business?
Speed.
I'd speak with your Lady.
Dor.
Is your Business pressing.
Speed.
Faith, not at all: I come to know when we may expect her, that Supper
may be ready at her coming; for, you must know, Child, my Master
makes no common entertainment to night.
Dor.
I'm glad on't; I love feasting dearly.
Speed.
Ay, your mouth waters at the very thoughts on't, like a Chaplain's
preaching grace over a good Dinner.
Dor.
But are you in earnest?
Speed.
As you were when you lost your Maiden head.
Dor.
This pleases me; I love your costly great Treats.
Speed.
I understand you; you are always for great things. Come, confess,
don't you love me a great deal;
Dor.
Hang Love; let's talk of the Supper.
Speed.
The best Love indeed is commonly after that. Well, ours will be an
extraordinary Treat, let me tell you.
Dor.
And let me tell you, I'll keep an extraordinary Stomach for't. Take
care to pinch three or four Bottles of the choicest VVines, and secure some of
the best Dishes for us; then if I dont love you, say I've nothing of a Lady's
woman about me.
Speed.
I commend thee, Girl, thy love is in thy Belly: where else indeed
should it be?
Dor.
Peace, I hear my Lady coming.
Enter Theodosia.
The.
How now, Sir! What brings you hither?
Speed.
My Master desires to know, Madam, at what hour you will please to
honour him with your Company to night?
The.
As soon as 'tis convenient: Too soon for him, tell him.
Speed.
A Witch o' my Conscience, if I don't prevent it.
(aside.)
—But,
Madam—
Shaking his head
The.
But what?
Speed.
I should acquaint your Ladyship with something if I durst.
The.
If you durst! Why, is it of such dangerous consequence? If it be, 'tis fit
I should know.
Speed.
True, Madam; but the danger is chiefly to me: If my Master should
once come to know what I would fain tell you, murther would ensue.
Trust me, he shall not know it, as I have honour!
Speed.
Ah! Madam; but 'tis very dangerous.
Dor.
VVhat ails the fool? VVhat's dangerous? To trust a Lady of Quality?
Speed.
Yes, on her woman's secrecy.
Theo.
No, I'll engage for her. Prithee let's know it.
Speed.
VVhy then Madam, (but not a word!) Some rascally Neighbours having
seen you twice or thrice coming from my Master's Lodgings, have been
pleas'd to bestow some uncivil reflections on your Ladiship, for which I have
likewise been pleas'd to bestow some blows on their Coxcombs.
Dor.
VVhat a tale of a Roasted Horse the Rascal tell us! VVhat made you
put my Lady in the head of this.
Speed.
I only would caution her, that if she should receive some small affront
as she past to or from us, she would take no notice of it, but to me; for my
Master is certainly the most desperate man on such occasions, that ever 'scap'd
the Law to his years.
Theo.
No, no, to prevent the worst, I'll not go at all.
Speed.
So! Now Master, thank my wit.
(aside.)
Dor.
VVell then, Madam, since you won't go to Mr. Needmore's, let the
Supper be brought hither, 'twill do as well.
The.
With all my heart! Let 'em bring it.
Speed.
O Lord! There this damn'd greedy Jade has over-reach'd me.
[aside
The.
Stay I'll have no Supper btought. D'you hear! Let 'em bring none;
twill be too much trouble on both sides.
Dor.
Trouble! Why, nothing more easie, Madam.
The.
Hold your prating. I say I will not go.
Dor.
But how will you excuse your self?
The.
I'll pretend I've the head-ach.
Dor.
That will seem too sudden to be thought real.
Speed.
Why so? It often comes suddenly; and I think 'tis the best pretence
you can use. I'll go and back it.
The.
But take care—
Speed.
O! for that never trouble your self: Be you but secret, Madam.
The.
I will.
Speed.
So! now my Master comes off with flying Colours.
Dor.
VVou'd thy Neck were broke! Thou shamming Rascal—I fancy this
is one of his projects to hinder us of a good Supper.
Theo.
Ay, but I fancy 'tis by his Masters encouragement, Freeman and Clara
are to sup there to night: Now it comes into my head, that Needmore thinks
he can't so freely entertain Clara, if I am with 'em.
Dor.
Do you doubt his love then, Madam?
Theo.
I don't know; Men are inconstant, and Clara's handsom—VVell,
I'm resolv'd I'll spoil their sport to night, for thither I will go.
Exeunt.
Enter Needmore and Speedwel.
Speed.
Well, Sir, what do you think of my Conduct?
Need.
'Tis wonderful! Machiavel was but a Type of Speedwell.
Speed.
Humh! This is some acknowledgment however.
Need.
Prethee haste now to Freeman, and desire him to tell Clara that Theodosia
is taken ill, and the entertainment is put off.
Speed.
Who the Devil could have imagin'd he had had so much sense!
Aside.
I'll about it instantly.
Need.
Excuse me to him.
Speed.
You may be sure on't.
Need.
Tell him that—
Speed.
Teach a Bully to swear, or a Gamester to cheat! I want none of
your Instructions: What wou'd you have done had it not been for me?
Well, when I dye (for I know I shall leave Money enough of my Wages in
your hands) let me have a Marble Monument, and my Effigies at full length
upon it, with these lines engrav'd at my Feet,
Whose matchless Wit was the securest prop
Of a young, thoughtless, wild, expensive—
What rhimes to prop, hah? 'Sdeath here comes one will put me to a stop.
Enter Theodosia and Dorothy.
Need.
Bless me! what are you abroad, Madam? This Rascal told me—
Speed.
Nay, the Rascal told you nothing but truth.
Need.
That you were taken with a violent pain in your head.
Theo.
Ay; but 'tis over now; and I came out to divert my self with company.
Dor.
See, Madam! a man caught by his Wife with her Woman cou'd not
be more surpriz'd.
[aside to her Mistress
Need.
I wish it ben't too soon, Madam! I fear you may take cold. I wou'd
advise you to let me wait on you back.
Theo.
No, no, I'll run the risque of that: I mean to be your Guest to
night.
Need.
Madam, the thoughts of you are an eternal feast to my Soul; think
then what now your sight is But yet I am most unhappy that I have countermanded
Supper upon notice of your indisposition.
Theo.
No matter for Varieties; any little thing will serve my turn.
Dor.
A little thing! I hate a little thing.
aside.]
No, Madam, Mr. Needmore
expects Madam Clara—
Need.
I did so, from your Ladyships Invitation; but upon the ill news, I
sent to beg her not to come to night.
Dor.
If this ben't all a trick, I never knew any.
[aside to her Mistress
Theo.
One Dish will be enough; you need trouble your self no further.
Need.
But what, Madam, if Clara and Freeman should come?
Theo.
Why, then lay the blame on me.
But one Dish, Madam, looks so rude, and disrespectful.
Theo.
I tell you 'tis enough: Pray send for't; for here I mean to sup.
Dor.
Ay, ay, pray do, Sir; you see my Lady is resolv'd on't. If you order'd
three or four Dishes 'twou'd be ne're the worse; for we both love
Suppers.
[aside to Need.
Speed.
Ay, three or fourscore! ah! thou unseasonable, thou unreasonable
Supper-gut.
[aside.
Need.
Well, Madam, since you are pleas'd to command it, he shall order
one—D'you hear, go, and get us something.
To Speed.
Speed.
I fear, Madam, you won't like what I shall bespeak; and I'm very
confident you wou'd highly oblige my Master if you wou'd please to defer
his Treat till to morrow night, because—
Enter Freeman and Clara with her Woman.
Dor.
See, Madam, here are both Mr. Freeman and Madam Clara!
Speed.
Wou'd they were at York! They're e'en as welcom as a Tax Collector
to a Grumbletonian.
[aside.
Cla.
You see, my Dear, I am obedient! But what would not I do to enjoy
your Company.
The.
Really, my Dear, had it not been for the pleasure of yours, I had
supt elsewhere to night; so Mr. Needmore is wholly oblig'd to you for
mine.
Speed.
O! Yes, most damnably, Deformity seize her for't!
(aside.
Free.
Come, Ladies, Compliments apart, let us walk into the next Room,
there we may play till Supper comes.
Speed.
Say you so, Sir? E'gad then you may play till you starve.
(aside.
Cla.
I hope it won't be long, for I've a very good stomach.
Need.
I fear you will have but a slender Entertainment; but this Lady is
the cause of it.
[They all go in except Speedwel.
Speed.
Ay, and they'll be damnably slender too, if they stay till it comes
They will find all as cold within, as a Citizen's Country-house in Winter.
But what means my wise Master? He leaves me to bear the brunt? 'Tis
commonly so: The Master gets the Maid with Child, and the Man must
marry her: Nay, pox on him, if he's so regardless of his own business, why
shou'd I perplex my self?
Enter Needmore.
Need.
Speedwel!
Speed.
Sir?
Need.
What shall I do?
Speed.
Faith, Sir, I can't tell: I want some of that which damns Lawyers
and all the world; for without money I can do nothing; all your Creditors
count me a Cheat and a Rogue.
Need.
Try if you could not prevail with Le Soupe.
Speed.
I've try'd him often enough: You had as good beg in Dutch, and
that you know is a very speeding Language.
Need.
But what shall I do with these people within?
Speed.
Nay, look you to that.
Need.
I wish they were out of the House!
Speed.
Is this all you wou'd have?
That's all.
Speed.
O! that's easie enough. Do but seem somewhat frighted and disturb'd:
Leave the rest to me.
Need.
But what must I pretend is the cause of my being so?
Speed.
No Dispute, Sir. Mind you your part, and I'll play mine, ne're
doubt me.
Need.
What the Devil he's going to do, I can't imagin. 'Tis a sharp designing
Rascal, and I must let him alone at present. Sure the Rogue will
take care of my Reputation. I am now in his Power, and the Villain knows
it but too well, for which in time he shall feel mine.
Enter Theodosia, Clara, Freeman, Speedwel, and Dorothy.
The.
My Brother wounded! Did you see him, Speedwel?
Speed.
No, Madam, but I heard so.
The.
Where did you hear it, and from whom?
Speed.
At the corner of our street, from a croud of People. Some were
saying he was dangerously wounded, others, that they fear'd his Wound
was mortal.
The.
Give me my Scarf.
Speed.
So! It works rarely!
The.
My Scarf quickly! I hope, Mr. Needmore you won't leave me in this
misfortune!
Need.
No misfortune could make me leave you, Madam.
[Taking her hand.
Free.
Stay. He's here himself.
Enter Brother to Theodosia.
The.
O my dear Brother! We heard you was almost kill'd.
Bro.
They're somewhat uncivil who kill'd me without letting me know it.
Why, I have not had the least quarrel: Who was the Reporter of this?
Theo.
Speedwell.
Speed.
I heard it at the corner of our street, Sir, from a croud of people,
who nam'd you, describ'd you, said you was run thro the Body, and, like
me, pity'd you extremely.
Bro.
You see I am as dead as any man alive: I din'd at the Blue-Posts,
where I stay'd till now.
Speed.
Borrow of him if you can.
[aside to his Master.
Theo.
And where they made you play, I warrant?
Bro.
No, for I lent all my Money to a friend, who play'd and lost it.
Speed.
So! This Commodity of Money is as scarce among these people, as
Virginity in a Play-house.
(aside.)
Tho.
Pray what brought you hither?
Bro.
I heard at home you were come hither to Supper, so I came to take
a bit with you; for I hate as much to sup alone, as most people do to lye
alone; you know, nothing balks a good Stomach like that.
Speed.
So! Customers come in apace! But e'gad, if you're not worse balk'd
here, I'll be bound to treat you a twelve month.
(aside)
Need.
Be pleas'd to walk in there.
The.
Ay, come, for he must give orders.
Bro.
Hark you, nothing the more for me, I charge you.
Need.
No, no.
Nor nothing the less, I dare promise him.
(aside)
Bro.
If you do, I'll never be so free with you again.
They all go in except Needmore and Speedwel.
Need.
Speedwel!
[Shews him by his Fingers how many Guests he must treat.
Speed.
Sir?
[Answers him by signs.
Need.
What ne're a word of Comfort?
Speed.
Alas, Sir, all things runs so contrary, I vow I'm afraid you said your
Prayers this morning.
Need.
Is there no getting them out of the House?
Speed.
Be rul'd by me, and I warrant you we'll do't.
Need.
As how? Tell me, my dear dear Dog!
Speed.
Why, set your Lodgings o' fire.
Need.
Ay, but 'tis dangerous.
Speed.
Dangerous! What a pox, would you go to Heaven in a Coach
with a Wench in your Arms? No, you must take some pains, run some hazard
—Well, in short, I have but one stratagem more.
Need.
Hast thou one more then? Oh! Tell it me quickly!
Speed.
Pretend your pocket was pickt this morning of all your Money;
and that you're fallen out with Le Soupe, and have no Credit any where else.
Need.
That's well enough too: But then I fear I shall displease Theodosia.
Ay, ay, that will certainly disoblige her for ever.
Enter Catherine, Clara's Woman.
Cath.
Sir, you're wanted within.
Speed.
Ay, and without too: Pox on her! Our Plot is spoilt again.
(aside.
Need.
I come—
Exit Woman.
What shall I do, I am going to be horribly handled.
Speed.
If they're for tossing you in a Blanket, I'll take a corner. Stay,
what do you think of giving your self to the Devil?
Re-Enter Woman.
Cath.
Sir, I'm sent again.
Need.
Tell em, I can't come yet.
(Exit Woman.
Speed.
Once more, if you'll take my Counsel, walk off and leave 'em.
Need.
I dare not.
Speed.
Nay then take your own measures. But look you, Sir, here's
Le Soupe.
Enter Le Soupe.
Speed.
Try, if you can work him to any thing of good nature: for my
part I found him more sawcy than a Bayliff.
Le Sou.
Sir, your humble Servant! I hope your honour has got some money
for me now.
Need.
O my worthy friend, Mr Le Soupe! Ay, ay, Monsieur, within this
Fortnight I'll pay thee every penny.
Le Sou.
Ay, Sir, but in the mean time—
Need.
Why, in the mean time I shall only desire you to let me have a
pretty genteel Entertainment for some Friends that I've here to night.
Le Sou.
I have entertain'd too many of your friends already, Sir, to my
cost. Zoons! I have been as patient as a Grocers hall Creditor—But I
find, that between promising and performing, a mans Walls may be as
Need.
But now my Word shall be as good as my Bond.
Le Sou.
I believe you. I would not take either of 'em for a sorry English
black Pudding.
Enter Brother.
Bro.
(At the Door.)
Needmore, a word with you.
Need.
I'm coming—dear Le Soupe, let me entreat this one kindness
of you: I'll give you a Note under my hand.
Le Sou.
What, never to pay me?
Bro.
They're out of all patience within.
Speed.
He's speaking to the Cook, Sir.
Bro.
Never put your self to unnecessary Charges! One Dish will be enough.
Need.
Well, you shall have no more.
Exit Brother.
Speed.
No more than you have now, I dare engage.
(aside)
Need.
Dear Le Soupe, let me prevail with thee. I shall have a Bill from
my Father's for 500 l. within this Fortnight, and then I'll pay thee upon
my honour.
Le Soupe.
You've pawn'd that so long ago, like many more, I dare say,
you do'nt think it worth redeeming! Look you, Sir, there never was less
money, nor more need of it; your words without that are like treating a
man with a Fiddle when he wants a Dinner. Upon the word of a Cook,
I will send some friends of mine to you presently; and so, Serviteur.
Exit Le Soupe:
Speed.
Ah diable je r'nie—Will you go, Sir? And I'll provide for their
Entertainment. You know my Lord Title, what if he should protect you.
Need.
Who?
Speed.
Why, he who with 200 a year, has 300 protected servants?
Need.
I scorn it—
Enter Bayliff in Woman's Cloaths.
Need.
Hah! What Strapper's this? She looks as much like a Bawd as a
Catch-pole looks like a Rogue.
(aside)
Bay.
Pray, Sir, how may I speak to Squire Needmore?
Need.
He's a little engag'd at present, Madam; but if you please, I'll deliver
any message to him.
Bay.
I must do it my self, Sir; for so I promis'd the Lady.
Need.
Is your business from a Lady then?
Bay.
Yes, Sir.
Speed.
(Peeps in)
Ha! What's here? A Woman! I'll listen, whate're her
business is.
(aside)
Bay.
Are you the Gentleman, Sir?
Need.
My Name's Needmore, Madam.
Bay.
Then, Sir, pray give me leave to Arrest you, at the Suit of Mr Extortion
the Scrivener.
Speed.
'Sdeath, he'll be buried alive! I must prevent it.
(aside and steps out.)
Need.
Is not he asham'd to take me up for the Principal? Why, I han't been.
able to pay the use. None but a Knave would Arrest a man these times.
These times! why they are the best times in the World, for us. But,
look you, Sir, since you say there's nothing to be got of you, and you plead poverty,
in Charity, as I'm an Officer, I wou'd avoid troubling you. Come,
I'll have but 5 Guineas Civility Money, and then you shall chuse whether you'll
run away from me, or I from you.
Enter Speedwel with a Sponge full of Ink: He comes behind the Bayliff and blinds him with it.
Speed.
Who am I? Guess, Mistress Jenny.
Bay.
I don't know. Let me go.
(struggling)
Speed.
I'll wash your Eyes, Madam; 'twill clear your Eye-sight.
Bay.
'Sdeath I've lost my Prisoner.
Speed.
Prisoner! Cry mercy! I'm mistaken, I took you for an honest
Friend.
Exeunt Speedw. and Needmore.
Bay.
Zoons! Where were your Eyes? I'm a Bayliff! Oh! He has put out
my Eyes. Stop him! Help! Murther! Setter, Sweet'n'em, Spunger, Dogbolt,
where are you? Help, help.
[Exit Bayliff groping.
Re-enter Needmore and Speedwel.
Speed.
The Rogue has grop'd out his way—Now, Sir, run in, shut the door
after you, and show your self, while here I study to bring you off: Don't seem
concern'd; Do as Whores, Plotters, and Tradesmen do, within a day of running
away, put a good face upon the matter.
Need.
I must.
(Exit Needmore.
Speed.
Now must I shut the door, and cudgel my Brains again—Hah!
There's Le Soupe's Man! I'll cudgel the Rascal first, but
[after Sawce is come in,
Speedwel shuts the Door.]
I must keep out his followers.
Enter Sawce with a Cloath.
Sawce.
Where's your Master.
Speed.
There's yours, you Setting Dog: There's payment: There's Rake's
Money: There's new fashion'd Coin for you.
Speed. beats him with a Cudgel.
Sawce.
Oh hold! Hold! Hear me! My Master's sending half a dozen
Dishes hither, Man.
Speed.
How! Art thou in earnest?
Sawce.
As you were with me now. He was out of humour; but he has bethought
himself, sent me to lay the Cloath, and beg your Master's pardon.
Speed.
Then I beg thine. Come, let's do it quickly, dear Sawce—But
what made him thus out of humour?
[They draw the Table and spread the Cloth.
Sawce.
Why, many things; a Steward put him off till next year for denying
him treble Poundage of a Bill of 5 years standing. Then some Officers
pawn'd two Masks for a seven pound reckoning, and all their Cloaths won't
yield forty Shillings.
Speed.
Poor Devils. They work hard for 'em, and ten to one but they were
borrow'd too.
Sawce.
Then, Sir John Rattle bespoke a fine Dinner, and never came. Six
topping Sparks had the Guinea ordinary, then bid us set it down, and broke a
Waiters head for muttering at it; and 4 tearing Beaus took the best room, and call'd
up all the house, ask'd for all varieties in Season, had a deal of attendance, and
at last din'd on Small-ale, and a Cutlet.
And upon tick. Well, now the Cloath is laid, prethee go and hasten
your men
Sawce.
I will
(Exit Sawce
[Speed. lets him out, and peeps.
Speed.
Stay, let me look out sharp; I fear my She-Bayliff's Crew—Hah!
Are you thereabouts—I'll shut this door, and call my Master,—Oh! Here
he is—
Enter Needmore.
Need.
Ah! Dear Speedwel, thou hast got us something, I find.
Speed.
I han't time to talk of that yet. Off with your Upper Geer.
Need.
How!
(Speed. throws down his own Hat and Wig, and his Master's; Needmore lays his hand on his Sword.
Speed.
Nay, 'tis no matter for drawing it, I must have that too.
Need.
What's the meaning of this?
Speed.
There are more Rogues below, and I know best how to use the
Sword. Come, uncase, uncase.
[Speedwel pulls off his own Coat, throws it
down: Then helps his Master off with his, then dresses in his Cloaths.
Your Cloaths fit me so so; you're almost as well shap'd as my self—Come,
Sirrah! Take up these habiliments, and dress. Dress quickly, and observe
your Masters motion.
[Struts about.]
Now do I fancy my self a Master already.
Why not? E'gad many of ours are little better than Footmen out of
Livery; and this seems to show they may be more akin to some of us than they
think.
To himself.]
Come, follow me.
Need.
But what will your Honout do with Theodosia and the rest of 'em?
Speed.
I'll set 'em going presently.
[Knocking at the outward door.]
But first
get into the Closet, I've lockt the inner Door, your Guests can't come after
us.
[Need. gets into the Closet]
—Now come in who will.
[Opens t'other Door, and two Bayliffs disguis'd like Porters come in.
Enter 2 Bayliff's drest like Porters, carrying a large Basket covered with a Cloth.
2 Bay.
An't please your honour, we bring this from Mr Le Soupe's.
Speed.
Lay it down.
3 Bay.
Ay, to take you up—
[A head-Bayliff starts out of the Basket.]
I have
two Writs against you, Sir.
(They take away his Sword.
Speed.
Against me? Demme, at whose Suit?
In a counterfeit voice.
3 Bay.
Mr. Le Soupe, and Mr. Cabbage your Taylor.
Speed.
Cabbage! I don't know the Thief, confound me!
3 Bay.
That may be, some of you are so long in your Taylor's Books, they
are commonly forgot before they're paid: You shift 'em as often as you do new
Suits, and Lodgings—Come along.
Speed.
Prethee, Fellow, let's talk first.
3 Bay.
I'll talk with you when you're out of Debt. Demme, would you
have us Gentlemen Officers wait as long as your Taylors Bills? Come away, or
let's see some Money, and we'll be civil. For a Guinea an hour we'll keep
you till you've sent for Bail.
Speed.
Damn'd Scoundrels! Was ever a man of Quality us'd thus.
Bay.
Ay, and worse, what's quality to us?—Run to the Office Manhound,
search if there be more Writs out, inform his Creditors; we'll be well paid
for't.
(aside to one of the Bayliffs.
Demme, I don't owe any man Two pence. Whom do you take
me for?
3 Bay.
You are Squire Needmore; we know you well enough.
Speed.
Ha, ha, ha! You silly Dogs you! You know me as little as you do
Breeding. Demme, I shall catch you by the five pound Act.
Enter Cabbage.
3 Bay.
O, Master Cabbage, you're come in good time: We've taken this
Gentleman, who denies that he's call'd Squire Needmore.
Cab.
No more he is not. Beg his pardon, and let him go: But methinks
I've seen his face before now.
3 Bay.
Noble Sir, we beg your Honour's Pardon.
(Gives him his Sword again, and Speedwel strikes him with it.
Speed.
Go, you Dags, Needmore is far enough by this time, your Game is out
of your reach.
3 Bay.
We shall catch it at last: Our Game is better than the Beasts you
hunt, yet we don't so often miss on't.
Exeunt Bayliffs and Cabbage; Speedwel shuts the door after 'em
Enter Needmore.
Speed.
Come, Sir, the Coast is clear.
[He undresses, and Needmore and he puts on their own Cloths again.
Need.
That's well, my diligent Mercury. But oh! Theodosia, and the
Supper.
Speed,
The first shall go hence presently, and the last I'm sure will not
come hither to night—But, get you in again, Sir, and dress; and, by that time
you've done, come to 'em. But first give me notice with a hemh, that you are coming:
For just then I will pronunce the Charm that shall set 'em all a flying.
He unlocks the Door of the Inner Room.
Need.
Dear Conjurer, be sure it be a powerful one.
(Exeunt.
Enter Theodosia, Clara, Brother, Freeman, Dorothy, and Catherine.
Free.
Where the Devil's this Needmore all this while?
Bro.
Playing the extravagant in providing us a Feast, I warrant you.
Theo.
Methinks this long absence of his looks like rudeness: he might have
sent his Directions for the Supper by his man.
Dorothy.
That man of his is a sneaking Devil, and the very Emblem of
Hunger, he would purposely have forgot half his orders, to have starvd us: But
now we shall have an extraordinary Supper.
Enter Speedwel.
Theo.
Oh here he is! Where's your Master?
Speed.
Madam, I'm afraid he'll be here before I've made a discovery to
you that concerns your health, your Beauty, and perhaps your Life.
Theo.
What mean you by this discourse?
Mean Madam? Why he means to play your Ladyship some Trick.
Theo.
I hope not; tell us quickly, good Speedwell.
Speed.
To shew you then Ladies that I value your Lives more than my own,
I shall tell you, tho' my Master look'd Death with every Frown—
[Need. peeps in and hems.
Speed.
Our Landlady's Daughter lyes sick of the Small-Pox over head.
Theo. and Clara.
Good Heav'n defend us!
Enter Needmore.
Need.
How's that, you Dog?
Bro.
'Tis false, is't not?
Need.
Wou'd I cou'd say it were! But what shou'd cause this Villain to discover
this to these Ladies? I knew on't but an hour ago; and wish'd 'em in
some other House, (knowing they dread the Small-Pox) but durst not let 'em
know why, lest the Fear of that fatal Disease shou'd make this Lady deprive
me a while of the Blessing I enjoy in seeing her.
Theo.
Oh barbarous Man! Thy Servant has more Honour than thou.—I'll
not stay here a Moment. Is this the Care you ought to have of our Healths?
Need.
But Madam—
Theo.
Not a Syllable; I shall be affraid to hear or see you this Fortnight.
Be sure keep out of my Sight till then. Come Brother, your Hand.
Need.
Well Madam, I'll not stay a Minute in Town, while I may not see
what I value most in it. I'll into the Country, and there stay my time for
Product: Too much punish'd by so cruel an Absence.
Cla.
Ah, Mr. Needmore, have a care how you expose young Ladies again to
such Hazards? Mr. Freeman, you must continue my Convoy—I'll swear
I'm very hungry.
[Ex. Theo. and Brother, Clar. and Freem.
Dor.
So am I too! Well, 'tis always so: I never far'd worse than when I
wish'd for my Supper.
Speed.
Remember Child, Abstinence is wholesome. We English, they say,
dig our Graves with our Teeth.
Dor.
Peace, you meagre Chaps, I have a Saying for yours. A hungry Belly
has no Ears.
Sp.
And good reason why; because Words won't fill it.—But see they're gone.
Dor.
Wou'd they'd staid. I a'n't afraid of the Small-Pox.
[Ex. Dor. & Cla.
Speed.
No nor of the great ones.—Well Sir, they're fled, and 'tis fit we
shou'd. Hunger is doing the Somerset in my Guts. E'gad my Belly is as empty
as my Pockets—Come, I'll have you to a Place, where, as well as at many others,
they'll take the Rascally Servant's Word, tho' not the honourable Master's.
Need.
Well, this has made me so sensible of my former ill Conduct, that from
this Moment I'll reform, pay my Debts, and regulate my Expences by my
Income.
Speed.
Ay, do Sir, and then I shall be paid.—Cut your Coat according to
your Cloth. Remember, Fools make Feasts, and wise Men eat 'em: My Son,
keep Money in thy Pocket. (I am damnably full of old Saws!)
And let your Purse for ever be your Master!
Exeunt.
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