University of Virginia Library

ACTUS V.

SCEN. I.

Demetrius
solus.
Hail sacred Thebes, I kisse thy blessed soil,
And on my knees salute thy seven gates.
Some twentie winters now have glaz'd thy flouds
Since I beheld thy turrets, batter'd then
With warre, that sought the ruine of those walls
Which musick built, when Minos cruell tribute
Rob'd mothers of their dearest babes, to glut
His ravenous Minotaure, I for safety fled
With my young sonnes, but call'd my countryes hate
Upon my head, whom miserie made malicious.
Each father had a curse in store for me,
Because I shar'd not in the common losse:
Yet would have willingly chang'd fortunes with me.
I dare not meet the vulgars violent rage
Eager against me. I will therefore study
Some means to live conceal'd.

SCEN. II.

Demetrius, Asotus.
Asot.
I have heard my mother,
Who had more proverbs in her mouth then teeth,
(Peace with her soul where e're it be) affirm,
Marry too soon, and you'le repent too late.
A sentence worth my meditation:
For marriage is a serious thing, perchance
Fair Phryne is no maid: for women may
Be beauteous, yet no virgins. Fair and chaste
Are not of necessary consequence.
Or being both fair and chaste, she may be barren;
And then when I am old, I shall not have
A boy—to dote on, as my father does.

Dem.
Kinde fortune fan you with a courteous wing.

Asot.
A prety complement. What art thou fellow?

Dem.
A Register of heaven, a privie Counsellour
To all the planets, one that has been tenant
To the twelve houses, Tutour to the Fates,
That taught 'um th'art of spinning, a live Almanack,
One that by speculation in the starres
Can foretell any thing.

Asot.
How? foretell any thing?
How many yeares are past since Thebes was built?

Dem.
That is not to foretell: you state the question
Of times already past.

Asot.
And cannot you
As well foretell things past, as things to come?
Say, Register of heaven, and Privy-counsellour
To all the planets, with the rest of your titles,
(For I shall ne're be able to repeat 'um all)
Shall I, as I intend, to day be married?

Dem.
Th' Almutes, or the Lord of the Ascendent,
I finde with Luna corporally joyn'd
To the Almutes of the seventh house,
Which is the matrimoniall family:
And therefore I conclude the nuptialls hold.
And yet th' Aspect is not in Trine, or Sextile,
But in the Quartile radiation,
Or Tetragon, which showes an inclination
Averse, and yet admitting of reception.
It will, although encountred with impediment,
At last succeed.

Asot.
Ha? What bold impediment
Is so audacious to encounter me?
Be he Almutes of what house he please;
Let his Aspect be Sextile, Trine, or Quartile;
I do not fear him with his radiations,
His Tetragons, and inclinations:
If he provoke my spleen, I'le have him know
I souldiers feed shall mince him, and my Poets
Shall with a satyre steep'd in gall and vineger,
Rime 'um to death, as they do rats in Ireland.

Dem.
Good words.
There's no resistance to the laws of Fate.
This sublunary world must yeeld obedience
To the celestiall vertues.

Asot.
One thing more
I would desire to know: Whether my spouse
That shall be, be immaculate. I'de be loth
To marry an Advowsion that has had
Other incumbents.

Dem.
I'le resolve you instantly.
The Dragons-tail stands where the head should be:
A shrew'd suspicion,—she has been strongly tempted.

Asot.
The Dragons-tail puts me in a horrible fear.
I feel a kinde of a sting in my head already.

Dem.
And Mars being landlord of th'eleventh house,
Plac'd in the Ram and Scorpion, plainly signifies
The maid has been in love; but the Aspect
Being without reception, layes no guilt
Of act upon her.

Asot.
I shall be jealous presently:
For the Ram is but an ill signe in the head;
And you know what Scorpio aims at in the Almanack.

Dem.
But when I see th' Ascendent and his Lord,
With the good Moon in angles and fixt signes,
I do conclude her virgin pure and spotlesse.

Asot.
I thank th' Ascendent, and his noble Lord;
He shall be welcome to my house at any time,
And so shall mistresse Moon, with all her angles,
And her fixt signes. But how come you to know
All this for certain?

Dem.
Sir, the learned Cabalists.
And all the Chaldees do conclude it lawfull:
As Asla, Baruch, and Abobalt,
Caucaph, Toz, Arcaphan, and Albuas,
Gafar, with Hali, Hippocras, and Lencuo,
With Ben, Benesaphan, and Albubetes.

Asot.
Are Asta, Baruch, and Abohali,
With all the rest o'th' Jury, men of credit?

Dem.
Their words shall go as farre i'th' Zodiack, Sir,
As anothers bond.

Asot.
I am beholding to 'um.
Another scruple yet,—I would have children too,
Children to dote on, Sir, when I grow old,
Such as will spend when I am dead and gone,
And make me have such fine dreams in my grave.

Dem.
Sir, y'are a happy man. I do not see
In all your horoscope one signe masculine;
For such portend sterility.

Asot.
How's that man?
Is't possible for any man to ha' children
Without a signe masculine?

Dem.
Sir, you mistake me:
You are not yet initiate. The Almutes
Of the Ascendent is not elevated,
Above the Almutes of the filial house.
Venus is free, and Jove not yet combust:
And then the signifier being lodg'd
In watry signes, the Scorpion, Crab, and Fish,
Foreshow a numerous issue of both sexes.
And Mercury in's exaltations
Plac'd in their angles, and their points successive,
Beholds the Lords of the Triplicity
Unhindered in their influence. You were born
Under a getting constellation,
A fructifying starre.—Sir, I pronounce you
A joyfull father.

Asot.
Happy be the houre
I met with thee. I'le ha' thee live with me.
Thou shalt be my domesticall Astronomer.
I have a brace of Poets as fit as may be,
To furnish thee with verses for each moneth.
Sir, since the gracious starres do promise me
So numerous a troup of sonnes and daughters,
'Tis fit I should have my means in my own hands
To provide for 'um all: therefore I fain would know
Whether my father be—long-liv'd, or no.

Dem.
The planet Mars is Orientall now
To Saturn; but in reference to the Sun
He beares a Westerly position.
Which Ylem linking Saturn with the Sun
In opposition, both sinisterly
Fallne from their corners, plainly signifies
He cannot long survive.

Asot.
Why, who can help it?
There's no resistance to the laws of Fate:
This sublunary world must yeeld obedience
To the celestiall vertues.—Wert not providence
To bespeak mourning clokes against the funerall?

Dem.
'Tis good to be in readines.

Asot.
If thou be
So cunning a prophet, tell me; Do I mean
To entertain thee for my wizard?

Dem.
Sir,
I do not see the least Azymenes,
Or planetary hindrance. Alcocoden
Tells me you will.

Asot.
Tell Alcocoden then
He is ith' right. Thrasimachus, Hyperbolus!
(Enter Thrasim. Hyperb.
We have increas'd our family, see him enroll'd.
He is a man of merit, and can prophesie.

Thrasim.
We'le drench him in the welcome of the celler,
And trie if he can prophesie who falls first.

Asot.
How will the world admire me, when they see
My house an Academie, all the arts
Wait at my table, every man of quality
Take sanctuary here! I will be patron
To twenty liberall sciences.

SCEN. III.

Asotus, Ballio.
Ball.
A fair sunne
Shine on the happy bridegroom.

Asot.
Quondam Tutour,
(For I am past all tuition but my wifes)
Thanks for your wishes; have you studied yet
How with one charge (for ceremonious charge
I care not for) I may expresse my grief
At the sad funerals of my friends deceas'd,
And yet proclaim with how much joy I wed
The beauteous Phryne?

Ball.
I have beat my brain
To finde out a right garb: weare these two clokes.
This sable garment, sorrows Liverie,
Speaks funerall: this richer robe of joy,
Sayes 'tis a nuptiall solemnitie.

Asot.
A choice device:—I'le practise.

Ball.
Rarely well.

SCEN. IIII.

Asotus, Ballio, Simo.
Sim.
Good morrow boy: how flows thy bloud, Asotus,
Upon thy wedding day? is it spring-tide?
Find'st thou an active courage in thy bones?
Wilt thou at night create me Grandsire? ha?
O, I remember with what sprightly courage
I bedded thy old mother, and that night
Bid fair for thee boy: how I curst the ceremonies,
And thought the yongsters scrambled for my points
Too slowly: 'Twas a happy night, Asotus.

Asot.
How sad a day is this! methinks the sunne
Affrighted with our sorrows, should run back
Into his Eastern palace, and for ever
Sleep in the lap of Thetis. Can he show
A glorious beam when Tyndarus is dead,
And fair Techmessa? I will weep a floud
Deep as Deucalions; and again the Chaos
Shall mufle up the lamentable world
In sable clokes of grief and black confusion!

Sim.
What ailes my boy? unseasonable grief
Shall not disturb thy nuptialls.—Good Asotus,
Be not so passionate.

Ball.
What incomparable mirth
Would such a dotard and his humorous sonne
Make in a Comedie, if a learned pen
Had the expression!

Asot.
Now the tother cloke.
In what a verdant weed the spring arayes
Fresh Tellus in! how Flora decks the fields
With all her tapestry! and the Choristers
Of every grove chaunt Carrolls! Mirth is come
To visit mortalls. Every thing is blithe,
Jocund, and joviall. All the gods arrive
To grace our nuptialls. Let us sing and dance,
That heaven may see our revells, and send down
The planets in a Masque, the more to grace
This dayes solemnitie.

Sim.
I, this Asotus,
There's musick boy in this.

Asot.
Now this cloke again,
You Gods, you overload mortalitie,
And presse our shoulders with too great a weight
Of dismall miseries. All content is fled
With Tyndarus and Techmessa. Ravens croak
About my house ill-boding schreech-owls sing
Epithalamiums to my spouse and me.
Can I dream pleasures, or expect to taste
The comforts of the married bed, when Tyndarus
And fair Techmessa from the world are gone!
No, pardon me you gentle ghosts; I vow
To cloister up my grief in some dark cell:
And there till grief shall close my blubber'd eyes,
Weep forth repentance.

Sim.
Sure he is distracted!
Asotus, do not grieve so, all thy sorrows
Are doubled in thy father: Pity me,
If not thy self; O pity these gray hairs,
Pity my age, Asotus.

Asot.
What a silly fellow
My father is, that knows not which cloke speaks?
Father, you do forget this is our nuptiall.
Cast off those trophies of your wealthy beggerie,
And clad your self in rich and splendent weeds,
Such as become my father: Do not blemish
Our dignity with rags. Appeare to day
As glorious as the sunne. Set forth your self
In your bright lustre.

Sim.
So I will, my boy:
Was there ever father so fortunate in a childe?
Exit Sim.

Asot.
Do not I vary with decorum, Ballio?

Ball.
I do not think but Proteus, Sir, begot you
On a Chamæleon.

Asot.
Nay, I know my mother
Was a Chamæleon, for my father allowed her
Nothing but aire to feed on.

SCEN. V.

Ballio, Asotus, Phryne.
Phryn.
Rises Aurora with a happy light
On my Asotus?

Asot.
Beauteous Phryne, welcome:
Although the dragons tail may scandall thee,
And Mars corrupt the Scorpion and the Ramme;
Yet the good Moon in angles and fixt signes
Gives thee a good report.

Phryn.
What means my deare?

Asot.
Thy deare, my beauteous Phryne, means the same
With Hali, Baruch and Abohali,
Caucaph, Toz, Archaphan, and Albuas,
Gafar, with Afla, Hippocras, and Lencuo,
With Ben, Benesaphan, and Albubetez.

Phryn.
I fear you ha' studied the black art of late.

Asot.
Ah Girle! Th'—Almutes of the filiall house
Is not depress'd, Venus is free, and Jove
Not yet combust: the signes are watry signes,
And Mercury beholds the trine aspect
Unhinder'd in his influence.

Phryn.
What of all this?

Asot.
We shall have babies plenty: I am grown
Learned of late. Go Phryne, be in readinesse,
I long to tie the knot: at night we'le make
A young Asotus.

Phryn.
Health attend you, Sir.
Exit Phryn.

SCEN. VI.

Dypsas, Tyndarus, Evadne, Pamphilus, Techmessa, Asotus, Ballio, Phronesium, Priests and sacrifice, and Hymens statue discovered.
Asot.
Tyndarus living? here take this cloke away, Ballio:
We have no use on't.

Ball.
The more sorrow's mine.

Tyn.
How does my friend Asotus?

Asot.
You are welcome
From the dead, Sir: I hope our friends in Elysium
Are in good health.

Tyn.
Ballio, I thank you heartily
You had an honest and religious care
To see us both well buried.

Ball.
I shall be hang'd.

Exit.
The song and sacrifice.
Priest.
Hymen, thou God of union, with smooth brow
Accept our pious Orgies. Thou that tiest
Hearts in a knot, and link'st in sacred chains
(He presents Tyndarus and Evadne.
The mutuall souls of Lovers, may it please
Thy Deitie, to admit into the number
Of thy chaste votaries this blessed pair.
Mercy you Gods, the statue turns away.

Tyn.
Why should this be? The reason is apparent:
Evadne has been false, and the chaste deitie
Abhorres the sacrifice of a spotted soul.
Go thou dissembler, mask thy self in modesty,
Weare vertue for a veil, and paint false blushes
On thy adulterate cheek. Though thou mayst cozen
The eyes of man, and cheat the purblinde world,
Heaven has a piercing sight. Hymen, I thank thee;
Thou stoppedst my foot stepping into the gulf.
How neare was I damnation!

Evad.
Gentle Hymen,
What sinne have I unwillingly committed
To call heavens anger on me?

Priest.
If there be
A secret guilt in these that hath offended
Thy mighty godhead, wilt thou please to prove
He presents Pamphil. & Techmessa
This other knot? The Statue turns again!
What prodigies are these!

Pam.
Celestiall powers,
You tyrannize o're man: and yet 'tis sinne
To ask you why you wrong us.

Tech.
Cunning Pamphilus,
Though, like a snake, you couch your self in flowers,
The gods can finde your lurking, and betray
The spotted skin.

Priest.
Above this twenty yeares
Have I attended on thy sacred Temple,
Yet never saw thee so incens'd, dread Hymen.

Tyn.
To search the reason, will you please to proffer
These to his godhead?

Priest.
Will thy godhead daigne
These two the blessings of the geniall sheet?
He presents Pamphilus and Evadne
He beckens 'um.

Tyn.
I, there the faith is plighted.
False Pamphilus, the honour of the temple,
And the respect I beare religion,
Cannot protect thee. I will stain the altars,
And sprinkle every statue in the shrine
With treacherous bloud.

Priest.
Provoke not Joves just thunder.

Tyn.
Well, you may take Evadne; heaven give you joy.

Pamp.
Religion is meere juggling. This is nothing
But the Priests knaverie: a kinde of holy trick
To gain their superstition credit. Hymen,
Why dost thou turn away thy head? I fear
Thy bashfull deitie is asham'd to look
A woman in the face. If so, I pardon thee:
If out of spight thou crosse me, know, weak godhead,
I'le teach mankinde a custome that shall bring
Thy altars to neglect. Lovers shall couple,
As other creatures,—freely, and ne're stand
Upon the tedious ceremonie—Marriage:
And then thou Priest mayst starve. Who in your temple
Will light a—Cere-candle, or for incense burn
A grain of frankincense?

Chrem.
Heaven instruct our souls
To finde the secret mysterie!

Asot.
I have entertain'd
One that by Ylem and Aldeboran,
With the Almutes, can tell any thing.
I'le fetch him hither: he shall resolve you.
Exit Asot.

Chrem.
Man is a ship that sails with adverse windes,
And has no haven till he land at death.
Then when he thinks his hands fast grasp the bank,
Comes a rude billow betwixt him and safetie,
And beats him back into the deep again.

SCEN. VIII.

Enter Asotus, Demetrius: manent cæteri.
Asot.
Here's another figure to cast, Sir. These two Gentlemen

Dem.
A sudden joy o'recomes me.

Asot.
Are to marry
Old Chremylus daughters. This is Tyndarus,
And he should have Evadne: and this Pamphilus,
That has a moneths-minde to Techmessa; but that Hymen
Looks with a wry-neck at 'um. If the Ascendent
With all his radiations and aspects
Know any thing,—here's one that can unfold it.
I must go fit my self for mine own wedding.

Exit.
Dem.
Flie from the temple you unhallowed troup,
That dare present your sinnes for sacrifice
Before the gods!

Chrem.
What should this language mean?

Dem.
Think you that heaven will ever signe a grant
To your incestuous matches?

Chrem.
How incestuous?

Dem.
This is not Tyndarus, but Demetrius sonne,
Call'd Clinias, and fair Evadnes brother.
Evadne trusted in exchange to Chremylus,
For young Timarchus, whom Demetrius took
With him to Athens, when he fled from Thebes
To save the infants from the monsters jaws,
The cruel Minotaur. Marvell not the gods
Forbid the banes, when in each match is incest.

Chr.
I wonder he should know this.

Tyn.
I am amaz'd.

Dem.
I will confirm your faith.

Tyn.
My father?

He puls off his disguise
Pam.
My father?

Dem.
No, good Timarchus, ask thy blessing there.
Sir, if I not mistake me, you are Chremylus.
Pray let me see that ring.—Sir, I must challenge it,
And in requitall will return you this.

Chrem.
Demetrius! Welcome. Now my joyes are full,
When I behold my sonne and my old friend.

Dem.
Which is Evadne? Blessings on thy head.
Now Chremylus, let us conclude a marriage
As we at first intended; my Clinias
With your Techmessa, and your sonne Timarchus
With my Evadne.

Chrem.
Heaven has decreed it so.

Dem.
Are the young people pleas'd?

Pam., Evad., Tyn., Tech.
The will of heaven
Must be obey'd.

Dem.
Now try if Hymen please
To end all troubles in a happy marriage.

Priest.
Hymen, we thank thee, and will crown thy head
With all the glorious chaplets of the Spring,
The first-born kid, and fattest of our bullocks
Shall bleed upon thy altars (if it be
Lawfull to sacrifice in bloud to thee,
That art the means to life) 'cause thy provident mercie
Prevented this incestuous match. Daigne now
Propitious looks to this more holy knot.
This virgin offers up her untouch'd zone,
And vows chaste love to Clinias. All joy to you.
The fair Evadne too is come to hang
Her maiden-girdle at thy sacred shrine,
And vows her self constant to the embraces
Of young Timarchus.—Happinesse wait on both!

Tyn.
I see our jealous thoughts were not in vain.
Nature abhorring from so foul a sinne,
Infus'd those doubts into us.

SCEN. VIII.

Enter Asotus in arms with a drum and trumpet, attended by Thrasimachus, Hyperb. Bom. Chær. Simo. Phryne.
Asot.
If there be any Knight that dares lay claim
To beauteous Phryne,—(as I hope there's none)
I dare him to th' encounter; let him meet me
Here in the lists:—If he be wise he dare not,
But will consider danger in the action.
I'le winne her with my sword:—mistake me not,
I challenge no man. He who dares pretend
A title to a hair,—shall sup with Pluto:
'Twere cooler supping in another place.
No champion yet appeare?—I would fain fight.

Phron.
Sir, if you want a champion, I am for you.

Asot.
I ha' no quarrell to thee, Amazon.

Phron.

I must have a husband too, and I will have a husband; I,
and I will have you: I can hold out no longer: I am weary of eating
choak and coals, and begin to dislike the feeding on oat-meal.
The thought of so many marriages together has almost lost my
maiden-head.

Asot.
Why, thou shalt have my father: though he be old,
He's rich, and will maintain thee bravely. Dad,
What think you on't?

Sim.
Thou'lt make me, boy, too hap
She shall have any thing.

Phron.
You will let me make
My own conditions.

Sim.
What thou wilt, my girle.

Phron.
I will feed high, go rich, have my six horses,
And my embroyder'd coach, ride where I list,
Have all the gallants in the town to visit me,
Maintain a pair of little legs to go
On idle messages to all the Madams.
You shall deny no Gentleman entertainment.
And when we kisse and toy, be it your cue
To nod and fall asleep.

Sim.
With all my heart.

Asot.
Then take him Girle, he will not trouble thee long.
For Mars being orientall unto Saturn,
And occidentall to the Sunne, proclaims
He is short-liv'd.

Phryn.
Well Sir, for want of a better,
I am content to take you.

Asot.
Joyn 'um, Priest.

Priest.
Thus I conjoyn you in religious bands.

Asot.
Now usher Phryne to my amorous arms.

Priest.
The generous Asotus and fair Phryne
Present their vows unto thee, gracious Hymen.

Sext.
I forbid the banes.

Staph.
I forbid the banes.

(They speak out of the coffin.
As.
And can there be no weddings without prodigies?
This is th' impediment, the Azymenes
Or Planetary hindrance threatned me.
By the Almutes of the seventh house,
In an aspect of Tetragon radiation,
If Luna now be corporally joyn'd,
I may o'recome th' aversenesse of my starres.

Tyn.
Sir, as you clear'd our doubts, I will cleare yours.
See you these ghosts? Well Sexton, take heed hereafter
How you rob the dead; some of 'um may cozen you.

Sext.
Pardon me, Sir; I seriously vow
Henceforth to rob no creature but the living.

Tyn.

Well, you shall both fast to night, and take penance at the
lower end of the table in these sheets, and that shall be your punishment.

Asot.
Phryne, I take thee for my loving spouse.

Phryn.
And I take you for my obedient husband.

Priest.
And I conclude the tie.

Asot.
Ha, you sweet rogue!

SCEN. IX.

Enter Ballio with a halter about his neck.
Asot.
Why how now Tutour, a rope about your neck?
I have heard, that hanging and marrying go by destiny;
But I never thought they had come together before.

Ball.
I have cast a serious thought upon my guilt,
And finde my self an arrant rogue. The gallows
Was all the inheritance I was ever born to.
E'ne use me as you please.

Asot.
Pray, Sir, let me beg my Tutours pardon.—
Spare him to day: for when the night comes on,
There's sweeter executions to be done.

Tyn.
You have prevail'd. No man be sad to day.
Come, you shall dine with mee.

Asot.
Pardon me, Sir:

I will not have it said by the malicious, that I eat at another mans
table the first day I set up house-keeping. No, you shall all
go home and dine with me.

Tyn.
Come then: our joyes are ripen'd to perfection.
Let us give heaven the praise, and all confesse,
There is a difference 'twixt the jealousie
Of those that wooe, and those that wedded be.
This will hatch vipers in the nuptiall bed,
But that prevents the aking of the head.

Exeunt cum choro cantantium in laud. Hym.