University of Virginia Library

THE FIRST ANTIMASKE OF MOWNTEBANKES.

MOUNTEBANK'S
SPEECH.

The greate Master of medicine, Æsculapius, preserve and
prolong the sanitie of these Royall and Princely Spectators.
And if any here present happen to be valetudinarie, the
blessed finger of our grand Master Paracelsus bee at hand
for their speedie reparation. I have heard of a madd fellowe
that styles himselfe a merry Greeke, and goes abroade by the
name of Paradox, who with frisking and dauncing, and newe
broacht doctrine, hath stolne himselfe, this Festivall tyme of
Christmas, into favour at the Court of Purpoole, and having
there gott some approbation for his small performance, is
growne so audacious as to intrude himselfe into this honoured
presence. To prevent whose further growyng fame, I have,
with these my fellowe Artists of severall nations, all famous
for the banke, hether made repaire, to present unto your
view more wholesome, more pleasing, and more novell delights,
which, to avoyd prolixitie, I distribute into these following
common places.

Sing their Songs, viz.:
Chorus.
What ist you lack, what would you buye?
What is it that you neede?
Come to me, Gallants; tast and trye:
Heers that will doe the deede.

1 Songe.

2 Mo. Song.

3 Song.

4 M. Song.

If any Lady be sick of the Sullens, she knowes not where,
let her take a handfull of simples, I know not what, and use
them I know not how, applying them to the parte grievde, I
knowe not which, and shee shall be well, I knowe not when.

If any Scholler bee troubled with an itch, or breaking out,
which in tyme may prove the Skirvy, lett him first forbeare
clawing and fretting meates, and then purge choller, but by
noe meanes upwards.

If any Gentleman Usher hath the consumption in his
legges, lett him feede lustelie on veale two monethes in the

spring tyme, and forbeare all manner of mutton, and hee
shall increase in calfe.

If any be troubled with the Tentigo, lett him travell to
Japan, or, because the forest of Turnbolia is of the same altitude,
or elevation of the Pole, and at hand, lett him hunt
there for his recreation, and it shalbe done in an instant.

If any Scholler labor of the Angina, a daungerous disease
in the throate, soe that he cannot speake an howre togeather
once in a quarter of a yeere, lett him forbeare all violent
exercises, as trotting to Westminster Hall every terme, and
all hott liquors and vapors; lett him abstayne from company,
retiring himselfe warme cladd in his studie fowre daies in a
weeke, et fiet.

If any be troubled with a Fellon on his finger, whereby he
hath lost the lawfull use of his hand, lett him but once use
the exercise of swinging, and stretche himselfe uppon the
soveraigne tree of Tiburnia, and it will presently kill the
Fellon. Probatum.

If any Virgine be soe sick of Cupid that the disease is
growne to a Tympanie, lett her with all speed possible remove
herselfe, changing aire for forty weekes at least, keeping
a spaire diett as she travelles, allwayes after using lawfull
exercises, till shee be married, and then she is past daunger.

If any Lady be long married, yet childles, lett her first
desire to be a mother, and to her breakefast take a newe-laid
egge, in a spoonefull of goat's-milke, with a scruple of Ambergreece;

and at supper feede on a henn trodden by one cock.
But above all thinges, lett her avoide hurrying in a Coroch,
especially on the stones, and assuming a finer molde then
nature ment her, and noe doubt she shall fructifie.

If any woman be trobled with the falinge sicknes, lett her
not travell Westward Ho, because she must avoide the Isle
of Man; and for that it is an evill Spirrit only entred into
her, lett her for a Charme allwayes have her legges a crosse
when she is not walking, and this will help her.

If any Tradsman bee troubled with a Rupture in the
bowells of his estate, that hee cannot goe abroade, lett him
decoct Golde from a pound to a noble, taking the broth
thereof from six monethes to six monethes, and hee shalbe as
able a man as ever he was.

Nowe, Princely Spectators, to lett you see that we are
men quallified from head to foote, wee will shewe you a
peece of our footemanship.

Dance Antemaske.
[Exeunt.
Enter Paradoxe.

Helth and jouisance to this faire assembly. Now the
thrice three learned Sisters forsake mee, if euer I beheld
such beauties in Athens. You aske, perhappes, whoe I am
that thus conceitedly salute you? I am a merry Greeke, and
a Sophister of Athens, who, by fame of certaine novell and
rare presentments undertaken and promised by the gallant
Spirrits of Graia drawne hither, have intruded myselfe,
Sophiste like, in att the back doore, to bee a Spectator, or
rather a Censor of their undertakings. The Muses graunt
they may satisfie our expectations. Ah, the shewes and the

songs, and the speeches, and the playes, and the comedies,
and the actings that I have seene at Athens! The universe
never saw the like. But lett that passe. There was another
end of my coming, and that was to gett some of these
Beauties to bee my desciples; for I teach them rare doctrynes,
but delightfull; and if you be true Athenians, (that
is, true lovers of novelties, as I hope you all are) you will
give my hopes theire lookt for expectation. Knowe, then,
my name is Paradox: a strange name, but proper to my
discent, for I blush not to tell you truth. I am a slipp of
darknes, my father a Jesuite, and my mother an Anabaptist;
and as my name is strange, soe is my profession, and the art
which I teach, my selfe being the first that reduced it to
rules and method, beares my owne name, Paradoxe. And I
pray you, what is a Parradox? It is a Quodlibet, or strayne
of witt and invention strued above the vulgar conceyte, to
begett admiration. And (because method is the mother of
discipline) I devide my Paradoxe into theis heads—Masculine,
Fœminine, and Newter; and first of the first, for the
Masculine is more worthie then the Fœminine, and the
Fœminine then the Newter.

Drawes his Booke and reades.

1. He cannot be a Cuckold that weares a Gregorian, for a
perriwigg will never fitt such a head.

2. A Knight of the long robe is more honorable then a
Knight made in the fielde; for furrs are deerer then spurs.

3. Tis better to be a coward then a Captaine; for a goose
lives longer then a cock of the game.

4. A Caniball is the lovingst man to his enemie; for willingly
no man eates that he loves not.

5. A Batchelor is but halfe a man, and being wedd, he
may prove more then halfe a monster; for Aries and Taurus

rule the head and shoulders, and Capricorne reacheth as lowe
as the knees.

6. A wittall cannot be a Cuckold: for a Cuckolde is
wronged by his wife, which a wittall cannot bee; for volenti
non fit injuria.

7. A Shoemaker is the fittest man of the parish to make a
Constable; for he virtuti officii may put any man in the
stocks, and enlarge him at last.

8. A prisoner is the best fencer; for hee ever lies at a
close warde.

9. An elder Brother may be a wise man; for he hath
wherewithall to purchase experience, at any rate.

10. A Musicion will never make good Vintner; for he
deales to much with flats and sharps.

11. A Drunkard is a good philosopher; for hee thinkes
arighte that the world goes round.

12. The Divell cannot take Tobacco through his nose; for
S
t. Dunstone hath seerd that upp with his tongs.

13. Prentices are the nimblest Scavengers; for they can
clense the Citty Stews in one day.

14. Noe native Phisician can bee excellent; for all excellent
simples are forriners.

15. A Master of Fence is more honorable then a M
r. of art; for good fighting was before good writing.

16. A Court Foole must needs be learned; for hee goes
to schoole in the Porter's Lodge.

17. Burgomasters ought not to weare their furd gownes at
Middsomer; for soe they may bring in the sweating sicknes
againe.

18. A Cuttpurse is of the surest trade; for his worke is
no sooner done, but hee hath his mony in his hand.

1. Tis farr better to marrie a widdow then a maide.—
Causa patet.

2. Down right language is the best Rhetorique to wyn a
wooman; for playne dealing is a jewell, and there is no lady
but desires her lapp full of them.

3. Weomen are to be commended for loving Stage players;
for they are men of known action.

4. If a wooman with child long to lye with another man,
her husband must consent; for if hee will not, shee will doe
it without him.

5. Rich widdowes were ordained for younger brothers;
for they, being borne to no land, must plow in another man's
soile.

6. A maid should marry before the years of discreation;
for Malitia supplet et cætera.

7. Tis dangerous to wed a widdow; for she hath cast her
rider.

8. An English virgin singes sweeter here than at Brussells;
for a voluntary is sweeter than a forct noate.

9. A greate Lady may with her honor weare her servant's
picture; for a shaddowe yet never made a Cuckold.

10. A painted Lady best fitts a Captaine; for so both may
fight under theire cullors.

11. It is good for a young popish wench to marry an old
man; for so shee shalbe sure to keepe all fasting nights.

12. A dangerous secrett is safely plac't in a woman's
bosom; for noe wise man would search for it there.

13. A woman of learning and tongues is an admirable
creature; for a starling that can speake is a present for an
Emperor.

14. There were never so many chast wives as in this age;
for now tis out of fashion to lye with their owne husbands.

15. A greate Lady should not weare her owne haire; for
that's as meane as a coate of her owne spinning.

16. A faire woman's necke should stand awrie; for so she
lookes as if she were looking for a kisse.

17. Women love fish better then flesh; for they will have
Place, whatever they pay for it.

1. Ould thinges are the best thinges; for there is nothing
newe but diseases.

2. The best bodyes should weare the playnest habits; for
painted Clothes were made to hide bare walls.

3. Dissemblers may safely be trusted; for their meaning
is ever contrary to theire words.

4. Musicions cannot be but helthfull; for they live by
good aire.

5. An Usurer is the best Christian; for Quantum nummorum
in arca, Tantum habet et fidei.

6. None should haue license to marry but rich folks; for
Vacuum is a monster in rerum natura.

7. A hare is more subtile then a fox; for shee makes more
dubbles then old Reynard.

8. Tis better to be a beggar then a Marchant; for all the
worlde lyes open to his traffique, and yet he paies no custome.

9. Tis more safe to be drunk with the hopp then with the
grape; for a man should be more inward with his Countryman
than with a stranger.

10. It is better to buy honour then to deserve it; for
what is farr fecht and deere bought is good for Ladyes.

11. A man deepe in debt should be as deepe in drink; for
Bacchus cancells all manner of obligations.

12. Playhowses are more necessary in a well govern'd
Commonwelth then publique Schooles; for men are better
taught by example then precept.

13. It is better to feede on vulgar and grosse meats, then
on dainty and high dishes; for they that eate only partridge
or quaile, hath no other brood then woodcock or goose.

14. Taverns are more requisite in a Citty then Academies;
for it is better the multitude were loving then learned.

15. A Tobacco Shop and a Bawdy howse are coincident;
for smoake is not without fire.

16. An Almanacke is a booke more worthy to be studied
then the history of the world; for a man to knowe himself is
the most worthy knowledge, and there hee hath twelve
signes to know it by.

17. Welth is better then witt; for few poetts have had the
fortune to be chozen Aldermen.

18. Marriage frees a man from care; for then his wife
takes all uppon her.

19. A Kennell of hounds is the best Consort; for they
neede no tuning from morning to night.

The Court makes better Schollers than the Universitie;
for where a King vouchsafes to bee a teacher, every man
blushes to be a non proficient.

Music sounds.
Enter Pages.
Para.

But harke! Musick: they are uppon entrance. I
must put upp.

Enter Pages 4.
Theire Song, dialoguewise.
Where shall wee finde reliefe?
Is there noe end of griefe?
Is there noe comfort left?
What cruell Charmes bereft
The patrons of our youth?
Wee must now begg for ruth.
Enter Obscuritie.
Kind pitty is the most
Poore boyes can hope for, when
Their joyes are lost.

Obscuritie.
Light, I salute thee: I, Obscuritie,
The sonn of Darknes and forgetfull Lethe;
I, that envie thy brightnes, greete thee nowe,
Enforc't by Fate. Fate makes the strongest bow.
The ever youthfull Knights by spells inchain'd,
And long within my shady nooks restraynd,
Must be enlargd, and I the Usher bee
To theire night glories; so the Fates agree.
Then, putt on life, Obscuritie, and prove
As light as light, for awe, if not for love.
Loe! heere their tender yeerd, kind-harted Squires,
Mourning their Masters' losse: no new desires
Cann trayne them from these walks, but here they wend
From shade to shade, and give their toyles noe end.
But now will I relieve their suffring care.
Heare me, faire Youths! since you so constant are
In faith to your lov'd Knights, goe hast a pace,
And with your bright lights guide them to this place;
For if you fall directly, that discent,
Their wisht approach will farther search prevent.
Haste by the virtue of a charming songe,
While I retrive them, least they lagg to longe.
THE CALL, OR SONGE OF OBSCURITIE.

THE SONG AND DANCE TOGETHER.

Obscuritie.
Servants of Love, for soe it fittes you bee,
Since hee alone hath wrought your liberty,
His ceremonies nowe and courtly rights
Performe with care, and free resolved sprights.
To sullen darknes my dull steppes reflect;
All covett that which Nature doth affect.

The Second Measure; which danc't,
SONG TO TAKE OUT THE LADIES.

After they have danced with the Ladyes, and sett them in their places, fall to their last Dance.
Enter Paradox, and to him his Disciples.

Silence, Lordings, Ladies, and fidells! Lett my tongue twang awhile. I have seene what hath beene shewed; and
now give me leave to shew what hath not beene seene, for
the honour of Athens. By vertue of this musicall Whistle I
will summon my disciples. See obedience: heere they are
all redy. Put forward, my paradoxicall Pupils, methodically
and arithmetically, one by one.

1. Behould this principall Artist that swift encounters
mee, whose head is honoured by his heeles for dauncing in a
Chorus of a Tragedy presented at Athens, where hee produced
such learned varietie of footing, and digested it so
orderly and close to the ground, that hee was rewarded with
this Relique, the Cothurne or Buskin of Sophocles, which
for more eminence he weares on his head. The paradoxical
vertue thereof is, that being dipt into River or Spring, it

alters the nature of the liquor, and returneth full of wine of
Chios, Palermo, or Zaunte.

2. This second Master of the science of footemanship (for
hee never came on horsback in his life) was famed att the
Feast of Pallas, where in dauncing he came of with such
lofty trickes, turnes above ground, capers, crosse capers,
horse capers, so high and so lofty performed, that hee for
prize bare away the Helmett of Pallas. The paradoxicall
vertue of the Caske is, that in our travells if we fall among
enemies, shew but this, and they suddenly vanish all like
fearefull shaddowes.

3. Now, view this third peece of Excellence: this is hee
that putt downe all the Bakers, at the feast of Ceres, and
soe daunced there, as if he had kneaded doe with his feete:
wherewith the Goddesse was so tickled, that shee in reward
sett this goodly loafe on his head, and endued it with this
paradoxicall influence, that cutt of it and eate as often as you
please, it streit fills up againe, and is in the instant healed of
any wound our hunger can inflict on it.

4. Approach now thou that comst in the reare of my disciples,
but mayest march in the vanguard of thy validitie;
for at the celebration of the feast of Venus Cytherea, this
Amoroso did expresse such passion with his eyes, such castes,
such wynkes, such glances, and with his whole body such delightfull
gestures, such cringes, such pretty wanton mymickes,
that hee wonne the applause of all; and, as it was necessary
at the Feast of that Goddesse, hee had then a most ample
and inflaming codpeece, which, with his other graces, purchast
him this prize, the Smock of Venus, wrapt turbantlike on
his head, the same shee had on when shee went to bed to
Mars, and was taken napping by Vulcan. The paradoxe of it
is, that if it bee hanged on the top of our Maypole, it drawes
to us all the young lads and lasses neere adjoyning, without
power to part till wee strike sale ourselves. And now I
have named our Maypole, goe bring it forth, though it be

more cumbersome then the Trojan horse: bring it by force
of armes, and see you fixe it fast in the midst of this place,
least, when you circle it with your caprichious dances, it falls
from the foundation, lights upon some ladyes head, and
cuffes off her Periwigg. But now for the glory of Athens!

Musicke playes the Antymaske. The Disciples dance 1 Strayne.

Wee have given you a taste of the excellency of our
Atheniall Revells, which I will now dignifie with myne owne
person. Lye here, impediment, whereof being freed, I will
discend. O, you Authors of Greeke woonders! what ostent
is this? What supernaturall Paradoxe? a wooden Maypole
find the use of voluntarie motion! Assuredly this tree was
formerly the habitation of some wood nimphe, for the Dryads
(as the Poets say) live in trees; and perhaps, to honour my
dauncing, the nimphe hath crept into this tree againe: soe I
apprehend it, and will entertaine her curtesie.

Paradox his Disciples, and the Maypole, all daunce.

Did ever eye see the like footing of a tree, or could any
tree but an Athenian tree doe this? or could any nimphe
move it but an Athenian nimphe? Faire Nymphe, though
I can nott arrive at thy lippes, yet will I kisse the wooden
maske that hides thy no doubt most amyable face.

Paradox offers to kisse, and a Nymph's head meets him out of the Maypole.

Woonder of woonders! Sweete Nymphe, forbeare: my
whole structure trembles: mortalitie cannot stand the brightnes
of thy countenance. Pursue me not, I beseech thee:
putt up thy face, for love's sake. Helpe, helpe! Disciples,
take away this dismall peale from me. Rescue me! Rescue
me, with all your violence.—So, the Divell is gone, and I
will not stay long after. Lordings and Ladies: if there
bee any here desirous to be instructed in the misterye of

Paradoxinge, you shall have me at my lodging in the black
and white Court, at the signe of the Naked Boye. And so
to you all the best wishes of the night.

Enter Mountebanke, like a Swisse.

Stay, you presumptious Paradox! I have viewed thy antickes
and thy Puppett, which have kindled in me the fire of
Emulation. Looke; am I not in habitt as fantasticke as
thy selfe? Dost thou hope for grace with Ladyes, by thy
novell doctrine? I am a man of art: witnesse this, my
Charming Rodd, wherewith I worke Miracles; and whereas
thou, like a fabulous Greeke, hast made monsters of thy
Disciples, loe! I will oppose squadron against squadron, and
plaine trueth against painted fiction. Now for [thy] moving
Ale-signe: but for frighting the Devill out of it, I could
encounter thee with Tottnam Hie Crosse, or Cheape Crosse,
(though it bee new guilt) but I scorne odds, and therefore
will I affront thee Pole to Pole. Goe, Disciples: usher in
our lofty inchanted motion; and, Paradoxe, now betake you
to your tackling, for you deale with men that have ayre and
fire in them.

Paradoxe.

Assist me, thou active Nimphe, and you, my glorious associates.
Victory! Victory for Athens!

[Dance.
Mountybanke.

Accomplisht Greeke! now, as we are true Mountebankes,
this was bravely performed on both parts, and nothing now
remaynes but to make these two Maypoles better acquainted.
But we must give place: the Knights appeare.

Obscuritie
Enter.
Enough of these night sportes! part fairely, Knightes,
And leave an edge on pleasure, least these lightes
I suddenly dymme all; and pray, how then
Will theis gay Ladies shift among you men,
In such confusion? Some their homes may misse:
Obscuritie knowes tricks as madd as this.
But make your parting innocent for me;
I will no Author now of Error bee.
My selfe shall passe with you, a friend of lighte,
Giving to all this round a kind good nighte.

LAST SONG.
Wee must away: yet our slack pace may showe
Tis by constraint wee this faire Orbe forgoe.
Our longer stay may forfitt what but nowe
Love hath obtaind for us: to him we bowe,
And to this gentler Powre, who soe contriv'd
That wee from sullen shades are now depriv'd,
And hither brought, where Favour, Love, and Light,
Soe gloriously shine, they banish Night.
More would we say, but Fate forbids us more.—
Our Cue is out—Good night is gone before.