 | Wit in A Constable |  |
Actus Tertius
Scena prima.
Enter Thorowgood, Ualentine Knowell.Know.
Are they so witty sayst thou?
Ual.
You'd best try
The acutenesse of their intellects.
Thor.
You may endeavor
With the large talent of your masculine wit
To exceed their female sharpnesse you shall finde,
Though you firme and stiffe in your defence,
These city lasses able to take downe
Your most couragious fury: pray endeavour't.
Know.
That gentleman, were to usurpe your presence,
I finde no inclination, yet I thanke you,
Val.
How's that, my impe of understanding?
Know.
By being so egregiously abus'd
By two poore City infants, things that never
Have heard wit nam'd, unlesse 'twas when their father
Has cal'd his Formall foreman, witty varlet,
For cheating hansomely, had they been some
Illustrious dames, the glory of Cheape-side,
Stars of the City, that are daily haunted
By this great Lord that courtly kisse their gossips,
It had beene possible their conversation
Might have instild into them so much language
And wit sufficient to withstand the assaults
Of some young Innes a courtman.
Thor.
Yes, who never
Had mooted in the hall or seen the revels
Kept in the house at Christmas.
Know.
Some such gamster might have
Come oft with credit, though hee'd ventur'd
His whole estate of wit on them and lost it,
But you the rookes oth' age to be ored one
At your owne game by city girles.
Val.
Thou art an asse,
A very coxcomb, there are girles ith' City
Able to oredoe at their owne game a hundred
Such feeble fellows as thy selfe, but Thorowgood,
Leaving this infidell to his mis-beliefe,
Are you resolved that I shall undertake
The new designe we plotted?
Thor.
With what speed
Can be convenient, sir Timothy
Shall be our instrument.
Know.
If there be wit in't,
Honour me to assist you.
Thor.
A revenge
Upon these peevish wenches, one of them
Loves me intirely, nay has vow'd me a marriage,
And did advise me to assume this shape,
Val.
And for the other,
By many a shrowd cast of her eye upon me,
I doe suspect for all her queint dissembling,
She's taken with my good parts.
Enter Maudline.
Thor.
Thy face I must confesse,
Is full of choyce allurements, see there maid,
How fares it with your witty mistris,
My gallant type of beauty, is the stomach,
Come down, I'm sure you are furnish'd
With some excuse or lamentable epistle,
To reconcile me to them.
Maud.
Sir I am
As ignorant of the interpretation of your words,
As of your person.
Thor.
Shee not know me neither?
Maud.
But if there be one Ualentine among you,
A well accomplish'd gentleman.
Ual.
That's I, thats I.
Maud.
Then sir,
I would require your privacy some minutes.
Val.
Weel be as private as thou wilt, my girle,
Your patience gentlewoman.
Know.
I wonder Thorowgood what businesse
She can have with him.
Thor.
Heel declare it.
See they are parting.
Ual.
Tel them Ile advise ont.
Maud.
You will be speedy.
Exit Maudline.
Val.
Yes, yes, nere doubt my haste, say I'me their servant.
Thor.
The businesse Valentine.
Val.
Dost not thou know it,
Euen by instinct?
Know.
We cannot prophecy.
Val.
Thou art a foole then,
Does not the harmony of my good parts
Speake me the conqueror of all beauties Thorowgood.
The wenches are on fire for me.
Their bloods
Are alwayes hot ith' Dogdayes: but good Valentine
Be serious, did their maid bring newes of love
From either of them?
Val.
From both, from both, now wert for the statute,
That Bigamy my tender conscience
Would not much be oppress'd to have two wives,
But one of them thy Pinnace, thou shalt man her:
But J delay too long, I must goe meete them;
I long to be a kissing, pray heaven their breath
Smell not of Marmalade, 'twill turne my stomacke.
Tho.
You'll practice our designe I hope.
Val.
Methodically: farewell boyes.
Ex. Val.
Tho.
Pray be you Sir Timothy, know his entrance:
Tis such another mad-cap my Scene is.
Enter Holdfast.
Hold.
Nay, come forward Land lord Spoild else.
Trist. Bus.
Tis my Cosens lodgings, pray be bold in't,
As is my Chamber. Cosen this is a Constable.
Tho.
He comes not with a warrant.
Hold.
No, Ile warrant you, I
Brought him Sir to see you; he's a wit,
A very wit, or as the modernes terme it,
A sparke, a meere sparke, such a one as I am,
Since I left off those idle toyes cald books,
He'll take Tobacco too, and with a grace
Spit ith' rub'd chamber, though his testy wife,
Crye fie upon him: he's a very sparke,
and worthy your acquaintance.
Tris.
Come forward sir, you stand as if you'd cosen'd
One of them with bad linnen; pray advance,
My Master is your Leader.
Bus.
Save you gentlemen.
Tho.
Y'are very welcome Sir, my Cosen speakes you
A Citizen of ranke.
Know.
That you beare office
Of honour in your parish.
Tho.
That y'are witty,
Know.
Nay, a good fellow.
Bus.
Tis granted gentlemen,
This is my Character, I am by trade
A Linnen Draper.
Tho.
Would trust me
For forty ells of Holland?
Bus.
Ha, how's that sir?
I have more wit I thanke you; cause you seeme
A Gentleman of quality, I care not
To venture as much Cambricke as shall make
Your Crush a gorget, but no farther, sir,
There is no wit in't: how's that Mr. Holdfast?
Hold.
You are a sparke still Landlord.
Know.
Ile sweare in this he's witty.
Bus.
Tis my humour,
My wit has halfe and one me long ere this;
But for my wit Ide beene an Alderman,
And twirld a pondrous chaine upon the bench,
With as much grace as can the formalst of them:
I should have fin'd for Sheriffe, but all Guild Hall
Hearing I was a wit, cry'd out upon him,
Twill breed an alteration in the Senate,
To have a wit amongst them. How's that sir?
Know.
And so you mist preferment:
Tho.
And continue
Ith' state of wisedome still; an humble Constable?
Hold.
Yes, and an honest one, ite say that for him,
He ne're stop'd wench in's watch.
Bus.
How's that? I scorne it,
I've stopt a hundred in my time: how's that sir?
You relish wit I see.
Know.
Tis so acute,
No pallat but must taste it; shall's to th'Taverne?
Y'are for a cup I hope?
Bus.
For now sir,
It is my frequent use, when I have set
My watch, to view the Taverne, drinke a quart,
Tho.
Tis granted sir: Come gentlemen, an houre
Is out extent of time: good Mr. Constable
It shall be yours. Cosen J have some businesse
Concernes your knowledge, as we passe along
J shall informe you.
Exeunt.
Enter Valentine, Grace, Clare, Maudlin.
Val.
You see Ime come
Vpon your summons.
Clar.
Sure you mistake,
There's none here is so fond of you to court
Your cheap and vulgar presence.
Val.
Here's a Letter
Speaks other language, you might cloath your discourse
In the same phrase, or I shall laugh your folly
Into a milder temper, and then leave you.
Clar.
You'r very confident.
Val.
No, you're too coy,
Ime now ith' humour to be tempted to
Love any of you: take me while the fit
Is on me, for ime sure twill not endure
Longer than does a wealthy widdowes griefe
For a loath'd husband. Speak, ha you a mind to me?
Speake quickly, or for ever more hereafter
Be sure to hold your peace, and that's a taske
Farre worse then death to any of your sexe.
Clar.
Her blushes does betray her, wer't to me,
He should finde other usage. Sir my Cosen,
I know not how transported by her love,
Above her reason, has enthrald her heart
To your dispose. I hope sir you'r so much
A Gentleman, you will make civill use
Of her affection; twill be worth your care sir.
Besides the rich endearements of her youth,
She's Mistris of a fortune that may challenge
A noble retribution for her love.
Ex. Clar. Maud.
Grace.
Cosen, cosen, you will not leave me thus?
I pray let me goe sir.
Val.
Thus farre into my armes girle, that's the place
Thou oughtst to rest in: you expect I warrant
That I should court you now, and with an armie
Of oathes, stuft with as many finicall falsehoods,
Protest I love you: by this light I know not,
Tis folly to dissemble, whether or no
I can affect thee; yet thou seemst to weare
That pretty harmlesse innocence in thy lookes,
It wins my credulous thoughts to believe
Thou maist be vertuous.
Grace.
Sir, I hope my owne
Too forward zeale, in tendring you my love,
Will not in your good thoughts beget an ill
Opinion of my modesty.
Val.
Never fear't:
That freenesse more engages my just faith
To embrace thy affection. I have seene some Ladyes,
Coy as a Voteresse below their suiters,
Yet with a tough-backt groome, have knowne them sin
With most libidinous appetite in private;
But J me as fearelesse girle, that ought amisse
Can staine thy soule, as thou wert confident
In setling thy most constant choise upon
A stranger; yet J must desire the reason
Why you did love me: for my owne good parts,
Certaine they're not so attractive as to conquer
A beautie at first sight.
Grace.
Since I have
Disclos'd my affection to you, (although love
Oft times admits no reason) ile endeavour
To satisfie your question: the first cause
Moov'd me to love you, was my father.
Val.
Hang thy father
In's owne gold chaine: but such another word,
And never hope to have me; dost thou thinke
To such an empty caske as is thy father,
(Who soon did get his wealth by the old proverbe
Of fooles have fortune) for a wife; but that
I have some mercy in me to believe
Thou maist be virtuous; I would not match
With any of my squeamish Ants of London,
For all the wealth ith' Chamber.
Grace.
Sir, you ask'd,
A question of me, and will not permit
Me give a civill answer; as I said,
My father—
Val.
Father agen, farewell; my eares doe blister
At the harsh sound: would thou hadst beene a Bastard,
So thou hadst no title to his blood:
Another father, like a whirlewind, blowes me
Hence from thy sight for ever.
Gra.
Pray heare me.
Intends to match me to Sir Timothy
Shallow-wit, a creature onely fit for scorne;
Which to prevent, and taken with the fulnesse
Of your true worth, I rather chuse to cast
My reputation on your noble pitty,
Than stand the desperate hazard of my ruine.
Ual.
She loves me by this light, this is no tricke.
Now to my Thorowgoods project: th'art a good wench,
A harmlesse wench, and I believe a sound one,
And I will have thee; give me thy hand: yet stay,
Ere I doe cast my selfe away upon thee,
You here shall promise Mistris, to become
A most obedient wife, and not according
To th'ancient tricke inherent to the City,
Raile till you be my Master.
Grace.
Never feare me.
Val.
Nor shall you, when you're at my house ith' Country
Be niggardly, or spoyle a dinner for
Want of the tother ounce of Sugar, nor
Repine to see me merry with my friends,
Nor starve my servants when I am from home.
I must be drunke sometimes too, then you must not
Whine and cry out, were I a maid agen,
Ide never marry any that does take
This wicked Herbe Tobacco. Those injunctions,
And some few hundreds more of the same nature,
Seald and deliver'd to me by your promise,
I may be wonne to wed thee, nay to bed thee,
And get a race of such Heroicke children,
As shall intice posterity to conceive
Some good came from Cheapside. Your lip shall seale this.
Grace.
You see your strengths upon me.
Val.
Tis my good girle:
Thy father, armed with the trained bands o'th City,
Shall never pull thee from me: to confirme thee
How much I love, ile disclose a plot
I had to gaine thy affection.
Grace.
Tis some good one,
Pray let me heare it.
Val.
You see my youth and feature will admit
A womans Character; if I were cloath'd
But in the habit, should I not appeare
A bouncing Mary Ambry?.
Grace.
Some such creature; but to your project.
Val.
I have prepar'd mee
A handsome female-shape, my man without
Has them under his cloake; and I perswaded
Sir Timothy, in hope that I would court thee
I his behalfe, to have presented me
Here for his Neece; you marke me.
Grace.
Very well; but now
This the designe is uselesse.
Val.
By no meanes;
It must be put in action: come goe in,
And helpe to dresse me: Sir Timothy expects
To meete me in that shape here: and besides
In that disguise, secure I can at any time
Gra.
Your reason
Shall governe my obedience.
Val.
Come let's in then.
Enter Timothy, Covet, Formall.
Tim.
Tis very right that sir, but yet methinkes
A wholsome song, sung to a fine new tune,
Should not be much a misse: my boy here has one,
And Ide be very loath, although I cannot
Sing, as they say, my selfe, that she should heare
What those, I can keep, can doe; is not this right now?
Cov.
Your pleasure shall prevaile, though to say truth,
Sonne Shallow-wit, for sonne I still shall call you,
I never lik'd a Song, unlesse the Ballad
Oth' famous London Prentice, or the building
Of Britaines Burse: for Musicke, lesse the Virginalls,
I never car'd for any. Does but cloy
The eares, but never fills the purse sonne.
Tim.
Very right indeed; tis too light
For such a purpose.
Form.
With your leave sir,
Musicke is most delightfull, and young Mistris
Grace, and her Cosen surely will receive it
With thankfull Equipage.
Tim.
Honest Formall,
Th'art in the right still; come exalt thy voyce
My little Impe of gut and haire: My Mistris
Shall know there's something in me.
How doe you
Sings.
Like it?
Form.
Tis very odoriferous.
Cov.
I shall beginne
To love it better then I have done; tis a good boy,
A very pretty boy, and ile reward thee.
There's a threepence for thee.
Tim.
Very right.
Cov.
He shall take it,
Indeed he shall; tis manners to receive
Mony from your betters boy: but here's my Neece.
Enter Clare.
Tim.
Very right, I had almost forgotten, pray where's mine?
Cov.
Why, have you a Neece Sir Timothy?
Tim.
Yes, yes, I've two or three, but one I sent
Hither, to view my Mistris in a Coach
An houre agoe at least.
Sure she is come.
Cov.
Clare did you see the gentlewoman?
Clar.
None such came hither yet Sir.
Tim.
That's not right though,
A poxe upon her for her paines.
Enter Maudlin.
Maud.
Mrs. your Cosen does desire some conference with you.
Cov.
Maudlin,
Did there a Gentlewoman arrive here lately,
To see my daughter?
Maud.
There is one within,
In busie conference with her.
Tim.
Very right that, he's pleading for me now.
Faire Damsell that's my Neece; pray tell her, here's
A Knight, a simple Uncle of hers, or so, desires her
Company. But here she comes, my Mistris with her; Neece
Tis well done, ile give thee the tother thousand to increase
Thy portion for't: Mistris, and how, and how do'yee like my
Neece, a plaine Country girle, or so.
Cov.
A very handsome woman, I could love her,
Did I but know her portion. Mistris welcome.
Whats in that house is yours?
Grace.
Sir Timothy,
You have much grac'd me by the sweet acquaintance
Of this good gentlewoman. Pray Cosen know her;
She's worthy your endearment.
Clare.
I shall be proud
To doe you service.
I most fortunate
To be esteem'd your creature.
Tim.
Very right
Shees a poore niece of mine, yet she can speake you
May perceive or see.
Enter Thorowgood, Holdfast, Tristram, Knowell.
Cla.
Life Thorowgood with young
Holdfast, pray heaven my folly
Has not undone me.
Thor.
You'l please to pardon
Our rude intention sir, we have some businesse.
Cov.
Please you declare't.
Thor.
This gentleman and my selfe,
Come to informe you that this sparke my Cosen,
Is sonne and heire to sir Geffrey Holdfast,
And since I heare you have dispos'd your daughter
To that good knight, I in his fathers name,
Desire your niece should be his wife.
Cla.
Pray Sir speake
In your owne cause he needs no advocate.
Cov.
I've beene abus'd,
In this Sir Geffreys son the scholler?
Thor.
The very same sir.
Hold.
I am the sparke sir.
Know.
Ualentine, ith' name
puls off his periwig.
Of madnesse: man why in this shape?
Thor.
Valentine, Ha, ha, ha.
Tim.
Very right, my niece is Ualentine.
Thor.
And how ist bully, hast not found these girles
Of a hot appetite, how often ha?
Val.
Has my Land-lady
Provided me a cullis, life my backe
Does needs a swathband.
Cov.
What meanes this gentleman?
Thor.
Nothing sir,
But to informe you what strange things your neice,
Perform'd it better then your uncles foreman.
I know he has.
Covet.
Timothy this abuse must not be thus put up,
Did not you say I was your Neice.
Tim.
Very right, but it was Valentine.
Know.
He has beene here all night too.
Grace.
Cosen we are basely betray'd.
Cla.
Take courage.
Thor.
Doe you thinke sir, my Cosen shall mixe with such
Stale ware that keepe their gamsters in their chambers.
Know.
Or this knight have Valentines reversions?
Tim.
Very right, I scorne it.
Thor.
Keepe them they'l serve to set up some twise
Broken Merchant, or undone Linnen-draper, come away
Valentine, thou hast made a brave discovery. Farewell,
My witty virgines, you are payd now.
Exeunt.
Cov.
Ile be reveng'd for this, and if it cost me
Halfe my estate Formall send post for sir Geffrey,
The whole towne shall know of this abuse.
Ile make you fast enough.
Explicit Actus tertius.
| Wit in A Constable | |