 | The VVitts |  |
Act. 2.
Scen. 1.
Enter the Lady Ample, Engine, Ginet.Ampl.
My Guardian hors'd? this evening say'st thou Engine?
Engin.
It's an houre (Madam) since hee smelt the Towne?
Ampl.
Saw'st thou his slender empty leg in th'Stirrop?
His Iv'ry Box on his smooth Ebon staffe
New civitted, and tyed to's gouty wrist?
With his warp'd face close button'd in his Hood,
That Men may take him for a Monke disguis'd,
And fled post from a Pursevant!
Engin.
(Madam) beware I pray, lest th'Age and cunning
Hee is Master of, prepare you a Revenge,
And such as your fine wit shall nere intreat
Your patience to disgest. To morrow night
Th'extreamest Minute of your Wardship is
Expir'd, and wee Magicians of the house
Believe this hasty Iourney hee hath tane
Is to provide a Husband for your sheets!
Ampl.
And such a one, as judgement and nine Eies
Must needs dislike, that's composition may
Grow up to his owne thrifty wish.
Eng.
Madam.
Your Arrow was well aym'd; I call him Master,
But I am Servant unto Truth, and You.
Ampl.
He chuse a Husband, fit to guide, and sway
My Beauties wealthy Dowry, and my heart?
Ile make Election to delight my selfe:
What composition strictest Lawes will give;
His Guardianship may take from the rich Banke
Ginet.
Your Ladyship has liv'd six yeares beneath
His roofe, therefore may guesse the colour
Of his heart, and what his braines doe weigh.
But Engine (Madam) is your humble Creature.
Ampl.
I have bounty, Engine!
And thou shalt largely taste it, when the next
Faire Sun is set, for then my Wardship ends—
Knocking within.
That speaks command, or hast open the doore.
Enter Lucy.
Lucy! weeping my wench? melting thine Eies,
As they had trespass'd against light, and thou
Wouldst give them darknesse for a punishment.
Lucy.
Vndone (Madam) without all hope, but what
Your pitty will vouchsafe to minister!
Ampl.
Hast thou been struck by infamy? or com'st
A Mourner from the Funerall of Love?
Lucy.
I am the Mourner, and the Mourn'd; dead to
My selfe; but left not rich enough to buy a Grave:
My cruell Aunt hath banish'd me her Roofe,
Expos'd me to the night, the winds, and what
The raging Elements on wandrers lay,
Left naked, as first Infancie or Truth.
Ginet.
I could nere indure that old moist ey'd Lady!
Me thought she pray'd too oft.
Amp.
A meere receipt
To make her long winded, which our devout
Phisitians now prescribe to defer death.
But Lucy, can she urge no cause for this
Strange wrath, that you would willingly conceale!
Lucy.
Suspitions of my Chastity; which heaven
Must needs resist as false; though she accus'd
Mee even in dreame, where thoughts commit by chance,
Not Apetite.
Amp.
What ground had her suspect?
Lucy.
Young Pallatine (that woo'd my heart untill
Hee gather'd Fondnesse where hee planted Love)
Was falne into such want, as eager blood,
And Youth could not endure, and keepe the Lawes
Inviolate. I to prevent my feare,
Sold all my Iewels, and my trisling wealth
Bestow'd them on him; and she thinks a more
Ampl.
This Luce, is such Apostacie in Wit,
As Nature must degrade her selfe in woman to
Forgive? shall Love put thee to charge? couldst thou
Permit thy Lover to become thy Pensioner?
Engin.
Her sence will now be tickled till it ake!
Ampl.
Thy feature and thy wit, are wealth enough
To keepe thee high in all those vanities
That wilde ambition, or expensive pride
Performe in youth; but thou invertst their use
Thy Lover like the foolish Adamant,
The steele; thou fiercely dost allure, and draw,
To spend thy virtue, not to get by it.
Lucy.
This Doctrine (Madam) is but new to mee.
Ampl.
How have I liv'd thinkst thou? e'en by my Wits!
My Guardians contribution gave us Gownes;
But cut from th'curtaines of a Cariers bed:
Iewels wee wore, but such as Potters wives
Bake in the Furnace for their daughters wrists!
My womans Smock's so course, as they were spun
O'th tackling of a Ship.
Ginet.
A Coat of Male
Quilted with Wyre, was soft sarsnet to 'um.
Ampl.
Our dyet, scarse so much as is prescrib'd
To mortifie; Two Egges of Emmets poach'd
A single Bird no bigger than a Bee,
Made up a Feast.
Ginet.
He had starv'd me, but that
The Green-sicknesse tooke away my stomack!
Ampl.
Thy disease (Ginet) made thee in love with Morter,
And tho'eatst him up two foot of an old wall!
Engin.
A priviledge my Master onely gave
Vnto her teeth, none else o'th house durst do't.
Ampl.
When (Lucy) I perceiv'd this straitned life,
Nature (my Steward) I did call t'acompt,
And tooke from her Exchequer so much Wit
As has maintain'd mee since. I led my fine
Trim bearded Males in a small subtle string
Of my soft haire; made 'um to offer up,
And bow, and laugh'd at the Idolatry.
Ginet.
A jewell for a kisse, and that halfe ravish'd.
Lucy.
I feele I am inclin'd t'indeavour in
A Calling (Madam) Ild be glad to live!
Know (Luce) this is no Hospitall for Fooles!
My Bed is yours, but on condition Luce,
That you redeeme the Credit of your Sex;
That you beginne to tempt, and when the snare
Hath caught the Fowle, you plume him till you get
More feathers then you lost to Pallatine.
Lucy.
I shall not waste my houres in winding Silke,
Or shealing Pescods with your Ladiship!
Ampl.
Frosts on my heart! what? give unto a Suitor!
Know? I would faine behold, that silly Monarch,
(Bearded Man!) that durst wooe mee with halfe
So impudent a hope!
Eng.
Madam, you are
Not farre from the possession of your wish,
There is no language heard, no businesse now
In towne, but what proclaimes th'arrivall heere
(This morne) of th'elder Pallatine, Brother
To him you nam'd, and with him such an old
Imperiall buskin Knight as th'Isle nere saw.
Amp.
What's their designe?
Eng.
They wil immure thēselves
With Diamonds, with all refulgent Stones,
That merit price: aske 'em who payes? why Ladies!
They'le feast with rich Provinciall vvines who payes?
Ladies. They'le shine in various habit, like
Eternall Bridegromes of the day, aske 'em
Who payes? Ladies. Lie with those Ladies too,
And pay 'em but with Issue-Male, that shall
Inherit nothing but their witt, and doe
The like to Ladies, when they grow to age.
Luce.
My eares receiv'd a taste of them before.
Ampl.
Engine, how shall we see them? blesse me, Engine,
With thy kind voyce.
Eng.
Though Miracles are ceas'd,
This (Madam's) in the power of Thought, and Time.
Ampl.
I would kisse thee Engine, but for an odd
Nice humour in my lips; they blister at
Inferiour breath! This Ring, and all my hopes
Are thine; deare Engine now project, and live!
Ginet.
Ide loose my Wedding to behold these Dagonets!
Ample.
My Guardean's out o' Towne! let us triumph
Like Cæsars, till to morrow night! thou knowst
I'm then no more o'th Family! I would
You in the darke, spread in a glorious blaze!
Engin.
Madam, command the Keyes, the house, and me.
Ampl.
Spoke like the bold Cophetua's Son!
Let us contrive within to tempt 'um hither:
Follow my Luce, restore thy self to Fame!—
Ex. Eng. Amp. Gin. Young Pallatine beckens Lucy from between the Hangings, as shee is going.
Yo: Pall.
Luce! Luce!
Lucy.
Death on my Eyes! how came you hither?
Yo: Pallat.
I'm Luce, a kind of peremptory Fly,
Shift houses still to follow the Sun-beames!
I must needs play in the flames of thy beauty!
Lucy.
Y'have us'd me with a Christian care, have you not?
Yo: Pallat.
Come I know all! I'have been at thy Aunts house
And there committed more disorder than
A storme in a Ship, or a Canon Bullet
Shot through a Kitchin among shelves of Pewter.
Lucy.
This madnesse is not true I hope!
Yo: Pal.
Yes Faith.
Witnesse a shower of Malmsey Lees, drop'd from
Thy Aunts owne Vrinall, on this new Morion!—
Lucy.
Why you have seene her then?
Yo: Pallat.
Yes, and she lookes like the old Slut of Babylon
Thou hast read of. I told her she must dye,
And her beloved Velvet-Hood be sold
To some Dutch Brewer of Ratcliffe, to make
His Yeu Frowe slippers.
Lucy.
Speake low! I am deprived
By thy rash wine of all atonement now,
Vnto her after Legacies or Love!
Yo: Pallat.
My Luce! be magnifi'd! I am all plot!
All Stratagem! My Brother is in towne;
My Lady Ample's Fame hath caught him Girle:
I'm told he meanes an instant visit hither.
Lucy.
What happinesse from this?
Yo: Pallat.
As hee departs
From hence, I'have laid two Instruments, Meager
And Pert, that shall encounter his long eares:
With tales lesse true than those of Troy, they shall
Endanger him maugre his active wits,
To dandle Fate, to sooth them till they give
Vs leave to make, or alter destinies!
Lucy.
You are too lowd! whisper your plots within.
Exeunt
Enter Engine, Elder Pallatine, Thwack.
Engin.
You call, and governe Gentlemen, as if
Your businesse were above your haste, but know
You where you are?
Eld. Pallat.
Sir Tirant Thrift dwels here!
The Lady Ample is his Ward; shee is
Within, and wee must see her; No excuses!
Shee is not old enough to be lock'd up
To sey new Perukes, or purge for Rhume.
Thwack.
Tell her, that a young devout Knight, made gray
By a charme (t'avoid temptation in others)
Would speake with her.
Engin.
I shall deliver you both,
These Tygers hunt their pray with a strange Nosthrill!
Come unsent for so aptly to our wish?—
Exit.
Eld: Pallat.
But this Sir Morglay will not doe, In troth
You breake our Covenants.
Thwack.
Why heare me plead!
Eld: Pallat.
From forty to fourscore, the written Law
Runs so; this Lady's in her Nonage yet,
And you to presse into my company
Where visitations are decreed mine owne,
Argues a heat that my rebukes must coole.
Thwa.
What should I do? wouldst have me keepe my chamber
And mend Darke Lanthornes; invent steele Matocks,
Or weigh Gun-powder, sollitude leads mee
To nothing lesse than Treason; I shall conspire
To dig, and blow up all rather than sit still.
Eld: Pallat.
Follow your Taske! you see how early I
Have found this young Inheretrix, goe seeke
The aged out; Bones, unto Bones! Like Cards
Ill pack'd, shuffle your selves together till
You each dislike the game!
Thwack.
Tis the cause I
Come for; a wither'd Mid-wife, or a Nurse
Who drawes her lips together, like an eye
That gives the cautionary winke, are those
I would find here; so they be rich, and fat!—
My Lady understands your haste, and she
Her selfe, consults now in affaires of haste,
But yet will hastely approach, to see
You Gentlemen, and then in haste returne!
exit.
Eld. Pall.
What's this the Superscription of a Packet?
Thwack.
Now does my blood wamble! you! Sucket eater!
offers to follow her, Pallatine staies him.
Eld. Pall.
These Covenants (Knight) will never be observ'd,
Il'e sue the forfeiture, leave you so poore
Till for preferment you become an Evneuch,
And sing a Trebble; in a Chauntry, Knight.
Enter Ample, Lucy, Ginet, Elder Pallatine, and Thwak. addresse to kisse them, and are thrust backe.
Ample.
Stay Gentlemen! good soules! they have seene (Lucy)
The Country Turtles bill, and thinke our lipps
I'th Towne, and Court, are worne for the same use.
Lucy.
Pray how doe the Ladies there? poore Villagers
They churne still, keepe their Dayries, and lay up
For Imbroidered Mantles, against the Heires birth!
Ample.
Who is begot i'th Christmas Holydaies.
Eld. Pall.
Yes surely, when the Spirit of Mince-Pie
Raignes in the blood.
Ampl.
What? penny Gleek I hope's
In fashion yet, and the trecherous foot
Not wanting on the Table frame to jogge
The Husband, lest he lose the Noble that
Should pay the Grocers Man, for Spice and Fruit!
Lucy.
The good old Buttler shares too, with his Lady
In the Box, bating for Candles that were burnt
After the Clocke struck Ten.
Thwack.
He doth indeed,
Poore Country Madams th'are in Subjection still,
The beasts their husbands make 'em sit on three
Legg'd stooles, like homely Daughters of an Hospitall,
To knit sockes for their cloven feet.
Eld. Pallat.
And when these Tirant Husbands too, grow old
(As they have still th'impudence to live long)
Good Ladies they are faine to waste the sweet
And pleasant seasons of the day, in boyling
Lellies for them, and rowling little Pills
Lucy.
And then the Evenings (warrant yee) they spend
With mother Spectacle the Curats wife,
Who does inveigh 'gainst curling and dyde Cheekes,
Heaves her devout impatient nose at oyle
Of Iessamin, and thinkes powder of Paris more
Prophane then th'ashes of a Romish Martyr.
Ample.
And in the dayes of joy, and triumph Sir;
Which come as Seldome to them as new gownes
Then humble wretches, they doe friske and dance
In narrow Parlers, to a single Fidle,
That squekes foorth tunes, like a departing Pigge.
Lucy.
Whilst the mad Hinds, shake from their feet more dirt
Then did the Cedar-Rootes, that danc'd to Orpheus.
Ample.
Doe they not powre their wine too, from an Ewre,
Or small guilt Cruce, like Orange-water kept
To sprinkle hollyday Beards?
Lucy.
And when a Stranger comes, send seven miles post
By Moone-shine, for another pint?
Eld. Pallat.
All these indeed are heauy truthes, but what
Doe you (th'exemplar Madams of the Towne?)
Play away your youth, as our hasty Gamesters
Their light Gold, not with desire to lose it,
But in a fond mistake that it will fit
No other use?
Thwack.
And then reserve your age
As superstitious Sinners ill got wealth
Perhaps for'th Church, perhaps for Hospitals.
Eld. Pallat.
If rich you come to Court, there learne to be
At charge to teach your Paraquee to's French,
And then allow them their Interpreters,
Least the Sage Fowle should lose their wisdome on
Such Pages of the presence, and the Guard
As have not past the Seas.
Thwack.
But if y'are poore,
Like wanton Monkies, chain'd from Fruit,
You feede upon the itch of your owne Tailes.
Lucy.
Rose-Vineger to wash that Ruffians mouth!
Ampl.
They come to live here by their Wits, let them use'em!
Lucy.
They have so few, and those they spend so fast,
They will leave none remaining to maintaine them.
Eld. Pallat.
You shall maintaine us; a communitie
Endow us with your Bodies, and your Goods;
Yet use no manacles cald dull Matrimony
To obliege affection against wise Nature,
Where it is lost (perhaps) through a disparity
Of yeares, or justly through distaste of crimes.
Ampl.
Most excellent Resolves!
Eld. Pallat.
But if you'l needs marry,
Expect not a single Turffe for a Ioynture;
Not so much Land as will allow a Grasshopper
A Salad!
Thwac.
I would no more doubt t'enjoy
You two in all variety of wishes,
(Wer't not for certaine Covenants that I lately
Sign'd to in my drinke) then I would feare Vsurie
In a small Poet, or a cast Corporall.
Ampl.
You would not!
Thwack.
But looke to your old Widowes!
There my title's good; see they be rich too;
Lest I shall leave their Twins upon the Parish,
To whom the Deputy o'th Ward will deny
Blew Coates at Easter, Loaves at Funerals,
Cause they were Sons of an old Countrey Wit!
Ampl.
Why all for Widowes Sir, can nothing that
Is young affect your mouldy apetite?
Thw.
No in sooth, Damsels at your yeares are wont
To talke too much over their Marmaled,
They cann't fare well, but all the Towne must hear't!
Their love's so full of prayses, and so loud,
A man may with lesse noyse, lye with a Drum!
Ampl.
Thinke you so Sir?
Thw.
Give me an old widow that commits Sin
With the gravity of a corrupt Iudge,
Accepts of Benefits i'th darke, and can
Conceale them from the light.—
Ample takes Elder Pall: apart.
Ampl.
Pray Sir allow mee but your eare aside!
Though this rude Clime i'th Clough, presume
In his desires more than his strength can justifie,
You should have nobler kindnesse than to thinke
All Ladies rellish of an apetite,
Bad as the worst your evill chance hath found.
Eld. Pallat.
All are alike to mee: at least, I'le make
Expence of time.
Ample.
Then I have cast away
My sight; my eyes have look'd themselves into
A strong disease, but they shall bleed for it.
Eld. Pall.
Troth Lady mine, I find small remedy!
Ample.
Why came you hither Sir, she that shall sigh
Her easie spirits into wind for you,
Must not have hope the kindnesse of your breath
Will ere recover her.
Lucy.
What doe I heare? Hymen defend?
But three good corners to your little heart,
And two already broyling on Loves Altar?
Does this become her Ginet, speake?
Ginet.
As age, and halfe a smock would become me.
Thwack.
Th'ast caught her Pallatine; insinuate Rogue?—
Lucy.
Love him, you must recant, or the small God
And I shall quarrell, when wee meet i'th Clouds.
Thwack.
S'light, see how she stands, speake to her.
Eld. Pall.
Peace Knight! it is apt cunning that we goe;
Disdaine is like to water pour'd on Ice,
Quenches the flame a while to raise it higher.
Lucy.
Engine shew them their way.—
Enter Engine.
Engine.
It lies here Gentlemen!—
Eld. Pal.
There needs small sūmons, we are gone! but d'you hear,
We will receive no Letters, we, though sent
By'th incorporiall spy your Dwarffe, or Audry
Of the Chamber, that would deliver them
With as much caution, as they were Atachments
Vpon money newly paid.
Thwack.
Nor no message
From the old Widdow your Mother (if you
Have one) no, though she send for me when she
Is giving up her testy Ghost; and lies
Halfe drown'd in Rhume, those floods of Rhume, in which
Her Maids doe daily dive to seeke the Teeth
She cough'd out last.—
Exeunt Engine, Eld. Pall. Thwack.
Lucy.
Lasse! good old Gentleman!
Wee shall see him shortly in as many Nightcaps,
As would make sick Mahomet a Turband
For the Winter.
Amp.
Are they gone Luce!
Not like the houres, for they'l returne agen
Ere long; O you carry'd your false love rarely!
Amp.
How impudent these Country fellows are?
Lucy.
He thinks y'are caught; he has you between's teeth,
And intends you for the very next bit
He meanes to swallow.
Amp.
Luce, I have a thousand thoughts
More than a Kerchiefe can keepe in: Quick Girle!
Let us consult, and thou shalt find what silly Snipes
These witty Gentlemen shall prove, and in
Their owne confession too, or I'le cry Flownders else,
And walke with my Petti-coat tuck'd up like
A long mayd of Almaineny.
Exeunt.
Enter Yo: Pallatine, Meager, Pert, the two last being new cloath'd.
Yo: Pall.
Don Meager, and Don Pert, you neither found
These imbroaderd skins in your mothers womb:
Surely Natures Wardrobe is not thus lac'd
Pert.
We flourish Pall, by th'Charter of thy smiles,
A little magnify'd, with shew, and thought
Of our new plot.
Meag.
The chambers bravely hung!
Pert.
To thy owne wish, a Bed and Canopy
Prepar'd all from our numbred pence; if it
Should faile, Meager, and I, must creep into
Our quondam rags, a transmigration Pall,
Which our Divinity can ill indure.
Meag.
If I have more left t'maintaine a large stomacke,
And a long Bladder, than one comely Shilling,
Together with a single ounce of Hope;
I am the Son of a Carman.
Yo: Pall.
Doe you suspect my prophecies,
That am your Mint, your grand Exchequer?
Pert.
Pall, no suspitions Pall, but we that imbarque
Our whole stock in one vessell, would be glad
To have all Pyrats o'shore, and the winds
In a calme humor!
Meag.
How fares th'intelligence?
Yo: Pall.
I left 'um at the Lady Ample's house
This street they needs must passe, if they reach home.
Pert.
O I would faine project 'gainst the old Knight,
Can we not share him too?
Yo: Pall.
This wheele must move
Alone, Sir Morglay Thwack's too rugged yet,
O'th File, will smooth him fit to be screw'd up;
Pert.
Shrinke off Pall, I heare 'em!
Enter Thwack, Elder Pallatine.
Eld: Pall.
Th'hast not the art of patient leisure to
Attend the aptitude of things; wouldst thou
Run on like a rude Bull, on every object that
Doth heat the blood? this cunning abstinence
Will make her passions grow more violent.
Thwack.
But Pallatine, I doe not find I have
The cruelty, or grace, to let a Lady
Starve for a warm morsell.—
Pert and Meager take the Elder Pallatine aside.
Yo: Pallat.
Now my fine Pert!
Pert.
Sir, we have businesse for your Eare; it may
Concerne you much, therefore tis fit it be
Particular.
Eld: Pall.
From whom!
Meager.
A young Lady Sir.
It is a secret will exact much care
And wisdome i'th delivery; you should
Dismisse that Gentleman!
Eld: Pallat.
A young Lady! good!
All the best Stars i'th Firmament are mine!
Our Coach attends us Knight i'th botome of
The hither street, you must goe home alone,
Thwack.
Ile sooner kill a Serjeant, choose my Iury
In the City, and be hang'd for a Taverne Bush!
Eld: Pall.
Will't ruine all our destinies hath built?
Thw.
Come, what are those sly silk-worms there that creep
So close into their wooll, as they would spin
For none but their deare selves. I heard 'em name a Lady!
Eld: Pall.
You heard them say then, she was young, and what
Our Covenants are, remember!
Thw.
Young, how young?
She left her Wormeseed, and her Corall whistle
But a Month since: doe they meane so?
Eld. Pall.
Morglay, our Covenants is all I aske!
Thw.
May be shee hath a mind to mee, for there's
A reverend humor in the blood, which thou
Nere knewst; perhaps she would have Boyes begot
Should be deliver'd with long Beards, till thou
Arive at my full growth, thou'lt yield the world
Nought above Dwarfe, or Page.
Our Covenants still, I cry!
Thwack.
Faith, I'le stride my Mule too morrow, and away
To'th homely Village in the North
Eld: Pall.
Why so?
Thwack.
Alas, these silly Covenants (you know)
I seal'd too in my drinke, and certaine feares
Lurke in a remote corner of my head,
That say the game will all be yours.
Eld: Pallat.
But what successe canst thou expect, since w'have
Not yet enjoy'd the City a full day?
Thwack.
I say, let me have Woman; be shee young,
Or old, Grandam or Babe, I must have Woman!
Eld: Pall.
Carry but thy patience like a Gentleman,
And let mee singly mannage this adventure,
It will too morrow cancell our old deeds,
And leave thee to subscribe to what thy free
Pleasure shall direct.
Thw.
Wee'l equally injoy
Virgin, Wife, and Widow, the younger Kerchiefe with
The aged Hood.
Eld: Pall.
What I have said, if I had leisure now
I'd ratifie with oathes of thy owne chusing.
Thwac.
Goe! propagate! fill the shops with thy notch'd
Issue, that when our Money's spent, wee may
Be trusted, breake, and couz'n in our owne Tribe.
Eld: Pall.
Leave me to fortune!
Thw.
D'you here Pallatine.
Perhaps this young Lady has a Mother!—
Eld: Pall.
No more, good night!—
Exit Thwack.
I have obay'd you Gentlemen, no Eares
Are neere us, but our owne, what's your affaire!
Meag.
Wee'l lead you to the Ladies Mansion Sir,
'Tis hard by.
Eld: Pall.
Hard by!
Pert.
So neere, that if your Lungs be good,
You may spit thither: that is the house!
Eld: Pall.
These appeare Gentlemen,
And of some ranke! I will in!
Exeunt Eld. Pall. Meager. Pert.
Yo: Pall.
So, so! the hooke has caught him by the Gils;
And it is fastned to a line will hold
You Sir, though your wits were stronger than your purse!
Sir Morglay Thwack's gone home; his lodging I
Have learn'd, and there are certaine Gins prepar'd,
In which his wary feete may chance to be
Insnar'd; though he could weare his Eyes upon his Toes!
And ere this amaz'd, at the strange complexion
Of the house, but, 'twas the best our friendship
And our treasure could procure.
Exit.
Eld: Pallatine, Meager, Pert, with Lights.
Eld. Pall.
Gentlemen (if you please) lead me no further!
I have so little faith to believe this,
The Mansion of a Lady, that I thinke
'Tis rather the decayes of hell; a sad
Retirement for the Fiend, to sleepe in when
Hee's sicke with drinking Sulphure.
Pert.
Sir you shall see this upper roome is hung!
Eld. Pall.
With Cobwebs Sir, and those so large, they may
Catch and ensnare Dragons instead of Flies.
Where sit a melancholly race of old
Norman Spyders, that came in with'Conqueror.
Meag.
This chamber will refresh your Eyes, when you
Have cause to enter it—
Leads him to look in 'tween the hangings.
Eld: Pallat.
A Bed, and Canopy!
Ther's shew of entertainment there indeed;
There Lovers may have place to celebrate
Their warme wishes, and not take cold: but Gentlemen,
How comes the rest of this blind house so nak'd,
So ruinous, and deform'd?
Pert.
Pray Sir sit downe:
If you have seene ought strange, or fit for wonder,
It but declares the hasty shifts, to which
The poore distressed Lady is expos'd,
In pursuit of your love. Shee hath good fame,
Great dignity and wealth; and would be loth
To cheapen these by making her dull family
Bold witnesses of her desires with you:
Therefore, t'avoyd suspition, to this place,
Sh'ath sent part of her neglected Wardrobe.
Meag.
And will ere Time growes older by an hower,
Guild all this homely furniture at charge
Of her owne Eies; her beames can doe it Sir!
Eld: Pallat.
My manners will not suffer me to doubt!
Pert.
Wee hope so too: besides though ev'ry one
That hath a heart of's owne, may thinke his pleasure;
We should be loth, your thoughts should throw mistakes
Of your kind stars: for sure, though wee looke not
Like men that make Plantation on some Isle
That's uninhabited; yet you believe
We would teach Sexes mingle, to increase Men!
Meag.
Squires of the Placket, wee know you thinke us.
Eld: Pall.
Excuse my courage Gentlemen! good faith
I am not bold enough to thinke you so.
Pert.
Nor will you yet be woo'd to such mistake?
Eld: Pall.
Not all the Art, nor Flattery you have
Can render you to my beliefe worse than
My selfe: Panders, and Bawds, good Gentlemen
I shall be angry, if you perswade mee to
So vile a thought!
Pert.
Sir you have cause!
And in good faith, if you should thinke us such,
Wee would make bold to cut that slender throat.
Eld. Pall.
How Sir?
Pert.
That very throat, through which the lusty Grape,
And sav'ry Morsell in the Gamesters dish,
Steale downe so leasurely, with Kingly gust!
Meag.
Sir it should open wide, as th'widest Oyster
I'th Venecian Lake!
Eld: Pall.
Gentlemen, it should!
It is a throat I can so little hide
In such a cause, that I would whet your Razor for't
On my owne shooe.
Pert.
Enough! you shall know all!
This Lady hath a Noble Mind; but 'tis
So much o'remastred by her blood, we feare
Nothing but death, or you can be her remedy!
Eld: Pallat.
And she is young?
Meag.
O! as the Aprill Bud!
Eld. Pall.
'Twere pitty faith, she should be cast away!
Pert.
You have a soft, and blessed heart! and to
Prevent so sad a period of her sweet breath;
Our selves, this house, the habit of this roome,
The Bed within, and your faire person wee
Have all assembled in a trice.
Eld: Pall.
Sure Gentlemen,
In my opinion more could not bee done,
Were shee Inheretrix of all the East!
Pert.
But Sir the excellence of your pure fame,
Hath given us boldnesse to make sute, that if
And wholsome homilies; such Counsell as
Befits your knowne morality, you will
Be pleas'd to save her life, and not undoe her honour?
Meag.
We hope you will afford her Med'cine by
Your meeke and holy Lectures, rather than
From any manly exercise, for such
In troth Sir you appeare to our weake sight!
Eld. Pall.
Brothers, and friends a stile more distant now
Cannot be given: though you were in compasse
Thick, as the Aspes, I must embrace you both—
Y'have hit the very Center, unto which
The toyles and comforts of my studies tend!
Pert.
Alas we drew our Arrow but by ayme!
Eld: Pall.
Why Gentlemen I have converted more
Than ever Gold or Aretine misled:
I've Disciples of all degrees in Nature
From your little Punque in Purple, to your
Tall Canvas Girle, from your Sattin Slipper
To your Iron Pattin, and your Norway Shooe!
Pert.
And can you mollifie the Mother Sir,
In a strong fit.
Eld: Pall.
Sure Gentlemen I can.
If bookes penn'd with a cleane and wholsome spirit,
Have any might to edifie; would they
Were here.
Meag.
What Sir?
Eld. Pall.
A small Library,
Which I am wont to make companion to
My idle howers: where some (I take it) are
A little consonant unto this Theame.
Pert.
Have they not names?
Eld. Pall.
A Pill to purge phlybotomy! a Balsamum
For the spirituall backe! a lozeng against lust;
With divers others Sir, which though not penn'd
By dull Platonick Greekes, or Memphian Priests,
Yet have the blessed marke of separation
Of Authors silenc'd, for wearing short haire.
Pert.
But Sir, if this chaste meanes cannot restore
Her to her health and quiet peace; I hope
You will vouchsafe your Lodging in yon Bed,
And take a little paines—
Points to the Bed within.
Eld: Pallat.
Faith Gentlemen, I was
I've heard of, but nere suck'd their milke, and sure
Much would be done to save a Ladies longing!
Meag.
Tis late Sir, pray uncase!—
They help to uncloath him.
Pert.
Your Boot, believ't, it is my exercise!—
Eld: Pall.
Well; tis your turne to labour now, and mine
Anon, for your deare sakes Gentlemen, I professe—
Pert.
My friend shall wait upon you to your sheets,
Whilst I goe and conduct the Lady hither:
Whom if your holy doctrine cannot well
Reclaime, pray hazard not her life; you have
A body Sir!
Eld. Pall.
O! think me not cruell!
Ex. Mea. Eld: Pal.
Enter Yo: Pallatine.
Pert.
Pall! come in Pall!
Yo: Pall.
Is he in Bed?
Pert.
Not yet,
But stripping in more haste, than an old snake
That hopes for a new skin!
Yo: Pall.
If we could laugh
In our Coffin Pert, this would be a jeast
Long after death: hee is so eager in
His witty hopes, that he suspects nothing.
Pert.
O all he swallowes Sir is melting Conserve,
And soft Indian Plum! Meager, what newes?
Enter Meager.
Meag.
Layd! gently layd! he is all Virgin sure,
From the crowne of's head, to his very Navell!
Yo: Pall.
Where are his Breeches? speake! his Hatband too!
Tis of grand price, the stones are Rosiall, and
Of the white Rock!
Meag.
I hung 'em purposely
Aside, th'are all within my reach: shall I in?
Yo: Pall.
Soft! softly my false fiend! remember Rogue;
You tread on Glasses, Egges, and gowty Toes!—
Meager takes out his Hat and Breeches, the Pockets and Hatband rifled, they throw 'em in agen.
Meag.
Hold Pall! th'Exchequer is thine owne! we will
Divide, when thou art gracious and well pleas'd!
Yo: Pal.
All Gold! the Stals of Lombard-street powr'd into a purse.
Pert.
These deare Pall, are thy Brothers goodly heards!
Yo: Pall.
Yes, and his proud Flocks; but you see what they
Come to? a little roome containes them all
At last; so, so, convay them in agen!
Because he is my Elder Brother!
My Mothers Mayden-head, and a Country Wit,
Bald Crowne! what noyse is that?—
knocking within, Pert lookes at doore.
Pert.
Death! there's old Snore
The Constable! his wife, a Regiment of Halberds.
And Mistresse Queasie too, the Landlady
That ownes this house.
Meag.
Belike th'ave heard, our friend
The Bawd, fled hence last night; and now they come
To ceaze on Mooveables for rent!
Young. Pall.
The Bed within, and th'Hangings that we hyr'd,
To furnish our designe, are all condemn'd,
My brother too; theyle use him with as thin
Remorse, as an old Gamester would an Aldermans Heire!
Pert.
No matter, our adventure's paid! follow
Pall! and Ile lead you a backe way, where you
Shall climbe ore tiles, like Cats when they make love.
Young. Pall.
Now I shall laugh at those, that heap up wealth
By lazie method, and slow rules of Thrift;
I'm growne the Child of Wit, and can advance
My selfe, by being Votary to chance.
Exeunt.
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