 | The New Academy, Or, the New Exchange |  |
Scœn. 1.
Nehemiah, Ephraim.Neh.
Ephraim
, thou hast made me a man, both
without, witnesse this sword, and within,
witnesse this precious book, which I have gotten almost
by heart already.
Eph.
But sir, beware you fall not back again
Into your childish follies: but go forwards
In manly actions: for non progredi est regredi.
Neh.
I know the meaning of that too, Ephraim.
That's once a man and twice a childe. But if I
turne childe again, while I have teeth in my head, I'le
give Mrs. Blithe leave to dig them out with Sugar-plums,
as she almost did these two of 'hem yesterday,
with her knuckles. I would they stuck both in her
bum for't, till I were married to her, and that shall be
shortly, they say, I wo not turne boy again for that
trick.
Eph.
I hope you will not.
Neh.
Thou mayest be sure on't Ephraim: for if I
would turne boy again, I ha' not wherewithal to set up
again. Thou sawest that, assoon as I had tasted the
sweetnesse of this delicious book here, I tore and burnt
all my ballats, as well the godly as the ungodly. In
my conscience as many as might have furnish't three
Bartholomew Faires, and then for love of this sword,
I broke and did away all my storehouse of tops, gigs,
balls, cat and catsticks, pot-guns, key-guns trunks,
tillers, and all; and will I turne boy again canst think?
yet I am half sorry, being towards a wife, that I did
have been sav'd by't. And that is a manly and a good
husbandly consideration, I take it. But hang covetousnesse:
There comes not a mouth into the world, but
there's meat for't; and if I finde 'em not play games,
their mother will finde friends, that shall, for them and
her selfe too.
Eph.
I'm glad to heare such good things to come
from you,
To manage my affair. You know my minde, sir.
Neh.
Amardla Ephraim, 'twill be hard to compasse.
For the old Knight will never let me have his Neece,
unlesse he have my mother. He meanes to truck for
her, though, I confesse, I had rather call thee father
then any man, I know, yet I know not how to bring
it about, unlesse he marry her first; and then she be
weary of him, and take thee afterwards to mend her
match. I think it must be so, Amardla Ephraim.
Eph.
Now you flie out again, that's as impossible,
as 'tis unlawful.
La.
Within.
Negh. Negh.
Neh.
Peace, my mother comes.
La.
Where are you childe? Neh.
Neh.
I hear her neighing after me, I'le do all I can
for thee, Amardla Ephraim.
Enter Lady.
La.
Look you sonne, what kinde Sir Swithin has
sent you. A dancing frog, you would think it were alive,
and a ballet of burning the false prophets before
they be tried. And another fearful one of the new
Antichrist.
Neh.
Hang bawbles, burn ballets, I am a man, and
defie boyes tricks.
A sudden change, I pray it be good.
Neh.
Tell me of toyes? I have a sword: offer me
ballets? I have a book. Speak to me of Sir Swithin,
I'le talk to you of Ephraim that gave me these blessings;
and is fitter to be my father, (so he is) then the
foolishest Knight of 'em all.
[Reades.
La.
Blesse my sonne from too much learning. That
book has done him no good, I doubt. He talks and
looks so wildly o' the sudden.
Neh.
A ha!
La.
What book is't. Let me see it.
Neh.
I'le tell you first. It is a book all of Bulls, Jests
and Lies Collected by an A. S. Gent. Mother
f'sooth, there be such things in it! If you never
reade it, it is the rarest book that ever you read in
your life. Open it where you will, and you shall learn
something. As here now. One refusing to ear Cheese-cakes,
was ask't his reason. He told them he lov'd the
flesh well, but was afeard of the bones. Then here's
the next to't. One asking whence Lobsters were
brought: his fellow repli'd, one might easily know their
countrey by their coat. They are fetch't from the
red sea. Now would I might never eat more of 'hem,
as well as I love 'hem, if I know what Cheese-cakes
were made of, or from whence Lobsters came before.
La.
Is this your book-learning? In troth thou
mak'st me laugh.
Neh.
Laugh on, good Mother. And while you are
in the merry mood, let me speak a good word for Ephraim.
I have a minde f'sooth, because he has made
me a man, to make him my father, f'sooth.
La.
What, what! How now.
How durst you sirrah, move my sonne in this? ha.
Eph.
Madam.
La.
Is it but so? ha!
Pray f'sooth hear him speak. He can speak Poetry
(he sayes) as well as Knight Whimlbie. Speak
Ephraim.
Eph.
Madam, Faire truth have told
That Queens of old
Have now and then
Married with private men.
A Countesse was no Blusher.
To wed her Usher.
Without remorse
A Lady took her Horse-
Keeper in wedlock. These did wisely know,
Inferiour men best could their work below.
Neh.
Mother f'sooth, Is it not fine?
Eph.
Nay, Madam, more then so, I'le further go
La.
But you shall not, Sirrah. What, what! how
now! Is't but up and ride? ha! Out of my doors
thou varlet.
Neh.
I must out too then, mother I am afraid,
oh.—
La.
Good Neh. be pacified, I'le give him a better
answer.
Here comes Sir Swithin.
Enter Whimlbie, Blithe.
Whi.
Ha, ha, ha, Madam, ha, ha, ha.
[Kisse.
La.
I marry Sir Swithin. This is better then O Madam,
O—, when you wash't your handkerchiefs in
the suds, and then to wring hem out in Poetry.
Whi.
My tears with the memory of the dead are all
fallen into Lethe; and nothing but joy left in me,
sinc my hopes are confirm'd in your lap. And hang
Madam, here is a draught of my marriage-instrument
to your lap.
Eph.
His instrument being drawn, I must put up
my pipe and be gone.
Ex.
VVhi.
And here is another draught for sweet Master
Nehemiah, for my Neece Blithes Joincture.
Neh.
O but she sayes she will not have me.
VVhi.
When did she say so?
Neh.
Now, now, she spat the word out of her
mouth. And I say, if she ha' not me, you shall whine
both your eyes out before you have my mother; and
see ne're the worse, I warrant you.
Neh.
A crosse marriage, or no marriage, I say
still.
La.
I say so too, sonne, Sweet boy, be content.
Whi.
Blithe. You spoke well of him behinde his
back: and made me think you lov'd him, and would
marry him.
Bli.
Behinde his back, I may do much to please you.
But when I look upon him, he turnes my stomack
worse then a fool made of soure milk.
La.
Marry Gip, Mrs Queasie, my sonne's as sweet
as you, I hope, and as wife as you. And suck't as sweet
milk as ever the good Cow your mother gave.
Bli.
Ha, ha, ha.
Whi.
Patience, good Madam.
Eph.
I hope the crosse marriage is crost. This is
untoward wooing.
La.
Uds so! do you flirt out your unsavoury comparisons
upon my sonne?
Bli.
Flirt not you at me, Madam, lest I flirt your
milk-sop under the snotty nose here.
Neh.
Yes, and I have a sword, and you ha' got ne're
a one.
La.
You wo' not will you, ha! Do you flie at
him, ha!
Fear not, good Madam.
La.
Ephraim, save my boy.
Bli.
Ha, ha, ha.—
Whi.
She shall not hurt him. Leave her to me, good
Madam.
La.
I ever fear'd he was not long-liv'd he was so
witty. And now I feare, she will be the death of him.
I would not he should marry her for a million.
Neh.
Say not so, mother. I love her better and
better still.
And I must and will marry her, I take my death on't aforehand.
La.
O me! he is bewitch't to her.
Whi.
Leave all to me, dear Madam.
La.
As I am to you, I think, Sir Swithin.
Whi.
Let me alone with her: I'le win her, and he
shall wear her feare not. As I was saying, Madam, she
speaks as well of him behinde his back, as your owne
heart can wish. And told me she was content to marry
him.
La.
Behinde his back? did she so?
Whi.
Yes truly, Madam.
Neh.
Loe you there, mother, let her marry me behind
my back then: And when we are marri'd, I'le make
her stick to't before my face, I warrant you; or if she
will make back-play. I'le play at nothing but back-gammons
with her.
La.
Well, Heaven blesse thee, thou art but too good
for her.
Whi.
Speak gently, Neece, I charge you.
Bli.
Madam, I hope your Ladiship shall finde me too
good for him. If e're he has me.
La.
Ha! say you so?
Whi.
She meanes in well-doing, Madam.
Nay then, I thank you Mrs. Blithe. Assuring you
that you shall be no way so good to him, but I will
be as good to you.
Neh.
Agreed again of all hands. But look how she
turnes and keeps cut like my Sparrow. She will be my
back Sweet-heart still I see, and love me behind.
Whi.
She is yet raw, and has not much been abroad
to see the manners of the time. In which my melancholy
has been her main hinderance. But Madam, there
is now that is worth all our sight and observation;
A new Academy, where they say, the newest and
most courtly carriage and behaviour is taught and practised
both for young Gentlemen and women. Have you
not heard on't?
La.
Yes Sir Swithin; and that the French tongue is
taught there with great alacrity; and my sonne is
wish't thither, but soft I warrant you.
Whi.
But let him see it: at least in our company it
will embolden him; I mean to carry my Neece thither.
I have been a Lover of Arts and Exercises; and know
somewhat since my youth. Pray let us spend one houre
of this afternoon there.
La.
Pardon me good sir Swithin.
Neh.
But he shall not mother if you love me: for
I mean to perfect my dancing there; and to learn
French there; For I mean when I am married to travel
into France. But I will first be perfect in the tongue I
shall learne it the sooner when I am there you know.
Pray let us go to th' Acomedy, what dee call it?
Whi.
The Academy.
La.
Say you so sonne? then come sir Swithin. Come
Mrs. Blithe, we will all go.
Bli.
I'le wait upon you, though my heart sayes
no.
Ex.
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