University of Virginia Library

Search this document 
  

 1. 
 2. 
 3. 
 4. 
 5. 
Act. V.

Act. V.

Enter Wilding.
Wi.
I am justly punish'd now for all my tricks,
And pride o'th flesh, I had ambition
To make men cuckolds, now the divell has paid me,
Paid me i'th same coine, and i'le compare
My forehead with the broadest of my neighbors:
But ere it spreads too monstrous, I must have
Some plot upon this Hazard, he supposes
He has enjoy'd Penelope, and my tricke
To drive the opinion home, to get him marrie her
And make her satisfaction: the wench
Has oft commended him, he may be wonne too't,
I never meant to part with all her portion,
Perhaps heele thanke me for the moytie,
And this dispos'd on shee's conjur'd to silence.
It must bee so.

Enter Hazard.
Ha.
Jacke Wilding how ist man?
How goes the Plough at home? what sayes the Lady
Guinever that was humbled in your absence?
You have the credit with her, all the glorie
Of my nights worke; does shee not hide her eyes,
And blush, and cry you are a fine gentleman.
Turne a to side, or drop a handkercher,
And stoope, and take occasion to leere,
And laugh upon thee?

Wi.
Nothing lesse, I know not
What tha'st done to her, but shees very sad.

Ha.
Sad; i'le be hang'd then.

Wi.
Thou must imagine
I did the best to comfort her.

Ha.
Shee's melancholy


For my absence man, i'le keepe her company
Agen to night.

Wi.
Shee thinks 'twas I enjoy'd her.

Ha.
Let her thinke whom she will, so we may couple.

Wi.
And nothing now but sighes, and cries I have
Undone her.

Ha.
Shee's a foole, I hurt her not,
Shee cried not out I am sure, and for my body
I defie the Colledge of Physitions:
Let a jurie of Virgins search me.

Wi.
To be plaine,
Although shee has no thought but I was her bed-fellow,
You are the only argument of her sadnes.

Ha.
How can that be?

Wi.
When I had merrilie
Excus'd what had beene done, she fetch'd a sight,
And with some teares reveal'd her love to you,
That she had lov'd yon long, but by this act
Of mine, d'ee marke, she was become unworthie
To hope for so good fortune, I cannot tell,
But she is strangelie passionate.

Ha.
For me?

Wi.
For you, but thou art soft and tender-hearted,
And in that confidence I did forbeare
To tell her who had done the deede.

Ha.
You did so:
'Twas wiselie done, now I collect my selfe,
Shee has sometime smil'd upon mee.

Wi.
Nay beleeve it
Shee is taken with thee above all the World.

Ha.
And yet shee was content you should
'Bove all the World.

Wi.
But 'twas your better fate
To be the man, it was her destiny
To have the right performance, thou art a gentleman,
And canst not but consider the poore gentlewoman.

Ha.
What wod'st ha me doe?

Wi.
Make her amends, and marrie her.

Ha.
Marrie a strumpet?



Wi.
You had first possession,
And thad'st beene married earlier could'st but had
Her maiden-head, besides no bodie knowes but we our selves.

Ha.
Bee not abus'd I had
No maiden head.

Wi.
My greater torment: come, come thou art modest;
Heaven knowes she may be desperate.

Ha.
A faire riddance,
Wee have enough o'th tribe, I am sorrie I cannot
Furnish her expedition with a paire
Of my owne Garters.

Wi.
I—of Athens growne,
I know thou art more charitable, shee may prove
A happie wife, what woman but has frailty?

Ha.
Let her make the best on't, set up shop
I'th Strand, or Westminster, she may have custome,
And come to speake most learnedlie i'th Nose
Bid her keepe quarter with the Constable,
'And Justices Clarke and shee in time may purchace.

Wi.
Shee has a portion will maintaine her like
A gentlewoman and your wife.

Ha.
Where ist?

Wi.
In my possession, and I had rather thou
Shouldst have it then another.

Ha.
Thanke you heartily,
A single life has single care, pray keepe it.

Wi.
Come thou shalt know I love thee, thou shalt have
More by a thousand pound, then I resolv'd
To part with cause I wod call thee cozen too;
A brace of thousands Will, shee has to her Portion,
I hop'd to put her off with halfe the summe;
That's truth some yonger brother wod ha thank'd mee,
And given my quietus tush, 'tis frequent
With men that are so trusted, i'st a match,

Ha.
Two thousand pound will make a maiden-head
That's crooked straight agen.

Wi.
Th'art in the right,
Or for the better sound, as the Grammarians
Say, I will call it twentie hundred pound


Belady a pretty stocke, enough and neede be,
To buy up halfe the maiden-heads in a Countie.

Ha.
Heer's my hand i'le consider on't no further,
Is shee prepar'd?

Wi.
Leave that to me.

Ha.
No more.

Wi.
I'le instantly about it.

Exit.
Ha.
Ha, ha.
The project moves better then I expected,
What paines he takes out of his ignorance?

Enter Barnacle.
Ba.
Oh! Sir I am glad I ha fonud you.

Ha.
I was not lost.

Ba.
My Nephew, sir, my Nephew.

Ha.
What of him.

Un.
He's undone, he's undone, you have undone him.

Ba.
What's the matter?

Un.
You have made him, sir, so valiant I am afraid
He's not long liv'd, he quarrells now with everybody
And rores and dominers and shak's the pen-houses.
A woman that sold pudding-pies, but tooke
The wall on him, and he trips up her heeles,
And downe fell all, the kennell ranne pure white-pot
What shall I doe I feare he will be kild:
I take a little priviledge my selfe
Because I threaten to disinherite him,
But no body else dares talke or meddle with him
Is there no way to take him downe agen
And make him coward?

Ha.
There are wayes to tame him.

Ba.
Now I wish heartilie you had beaten him
For the hundred pound.

Ha.
That may bee done yet

Ba.
I'st not to late? but do you thinke 'twill humble him?
I expect every minute hee's abroad
To heare he has kild some body, or receive him
Brought home with halfe his braines or but one legg.
Good sir'

Ha.
What wod you have me doe?



Bar.
I'le pay you for't
If you will beate him soundlie, sir, and leave him
But as you found him; for if hee continue
A blade and be not kild, he wonot scape
The gallowes long, and 'tis not for my honor
He should be hang'd.

Ha.
I shall deserve as much,
To allay this mettall, as I did to quicken it.

Ba.
Nay 'tis my meaning to content you, sir,
And I shall take it as a favour too,
If for the same price you made him valiant,
You will unblade him: here's the money sir,
As waightie gold as tother; cause you should not
Lay it on lightlie; breake no limb, and bruise him
Three-quarters dead, I care not; he may live
Many a faire day after it.

Ha.
You shew
An Uncles love in this, trust me to cure
His valour.

Ba.
Hee is here; do but observe.
Enter Nephew.
And beate him, sir, accordinglie.

Ne.
How now Uncle?

Ba.
Thou art no Nephew of mine, tha'rt a rascall
I'le be at no more charge to make thee a gentleman,
Paie for your Dice and drinkings, I shall have
The Surgeons bills brought shortly home to me,
Be troubled to baile thee from the Sessions,
And afterwards make friends to the Recorder
For a Repreeve, yes, I will see thee hang'd first.

Ne.
And be at the charge to paint the gallowes too;
If I have a minde the waites shall play before me,
And i'le be hang'd in state three stories high, Uncle:
But first i le cut your throate.

Bar.
Blesse me, defend me.

Enter Acre-lesse, Sell-away, Little-stocke.
Acr.
How now, what's the matter?

Sel.
Master Barnacle?

Bar.
Ther's an ungratious bird of mine owne nest,


Will murder me.

Lit.
He wonot sure?

Ha.
Put up,
And aske your Uncle presentlie forgivenesse;
Or I will hoffe thee.

Ne.
Hoffe me? I will put up
At thy entreatie.

Ha.
Gentlemen you remember
This noble gallant.

Acr.
Cozen of yours I take it.

Ha.
Cozen to a killing, in your company
Lent me a box o'th eare.

Ne.
No, no, I gave it,
I gave it freelie; keepe it, never thinke on't
I can make bold with thee another time,
Wo'd 't'had beene twentie.

Ha.
One's too much to keepe.
I am a Gamester, and remembred alwayes
To pay the box; ther's first your principall,
Take that for the use.

Ne.
Use? wod thad'st given my Uncle.

Ha.
They have cost him already two hundred pounds
And upwards, shotten Herring, thing of noise.

Ne.
Oh, for my man Dwindle
And his basket-hilt now my Uncle shall rue this.

Ha.
Downe presentlie, and before these gentlemen
Desire his pardon.

Ne.
How, desire his pardon?

Ha.
Then let this go round.

Ne.
I will aske his pardon, I beseech you Uncle.

Ha.
And sweare.

Ne.
And do sweare.

Ha.
To be obedient, never more to quarrell.

Ne.
Why looke you gentlemen, I hope you are persuaded
By being kicke so patiently, that I am
Not over valiant.

Bar.
I suspect him still.

Ne.
For more assurance doe you kicke me too.
Am not I patient and obedient now?


Will you have any more gentlemen, before I rise?

Ha.
If ever he prove rebellious in act,
Or language, let me know it.

Ne.
Will you not give
Me leave to roare abroad a little for
My credit?

Bar.
Never, sirra, now i'le tame you.
I thanke you gentlemen, command me for
This curtesie.

Ne.
Tis possible I may
With lesse noise grow more valiant hereafter:
Till then I am in all your debts.

Bar
Be ruld,
And be my Nephew againe: this was my love,
My love deere Nephew.

Ne.
If your love consist
In kicking Uncle, let me love you agen,

Bar.
Follow me, sirra.

Acr.
Then his Uncle paid for't?

Ha.
Hartilie, hartilie.

Lit.
I thought there was some tricke.

Ha.
And whether are you going gentlemen?

Sel.
We are going to visit Beomont in the Prison.

Ha.
Tis charity, but that I have deepe engagements,
I'de waite upon you, but commend my service to him,
I'le visit him ere night; you saw not Wilding?

A. L. S.
We saw his wife and kins-woman enter
Sr. Richard Hurries halfe an houre ago.

Ha.
His kins-woman? I thanke you.
You have sav'd me travaile, farewell gentlemen,
Farewell.

Enter Leonora, and Violante, Mistris Wilding, and Penelope.
Leo.
My father has some designe, and bad me send for thee.

Wi.
Y'are both too sad, come, come, we must divert
This melancholy.

Vio.
I beseech your pardon,
But is my Beomont sent for?



Leo.
Yes: we are
Too private.

Vio.
I much feare Leonora now,
Shee lookes not sad enough, although I could
Resign my interest freely to preserve him,
I would not willingly be present when
They enterchange hearts, she will shew too much
A tyrant, if she be not satisfied
With what was mine, but I must be moite
To be their triumph.

Enter Hazard.
Mi.
Master Hazard?

Ha.
All things
Succeed beyond your thought, pray give me a little.
Opportunitie with your kins-woman.

Exit. Mi. Leo. Vio.
Leo.
Weele withdraw.

Ha.
I know not how to wooe her now, sweet Lady?

Pene.
Your pleasure, sir?

Ha.
Pray let me aske you a question.
If you had lost your way and met one,
A traviler like my selfe, that knew the coast
O'th countrey, would you thanke him to direct you?

Pene.
That common manners would instruct.

Ha.
I thinke so.

Pene,
But there are many waies to the wood, and which
Would you desire, the nearest path, and safest
Or that which leads about?
Without all question
The neerest and the safest.

Ha.
Can you love then?

Pene.
I were a divell else:

Ha.
And can you love a man?

Pene.
A man, what else, sir?

Ha.
Y'are so farre on your way. Now love but me,
Y'are at your journies end, what say to me?

Pene.
Nothing, sir.

Ha.
That's no answer, you must say something.

Pene.
I hope you'le not compell me.



Ha.
D'ee heare Lady?
Setting this foolerie aside: I know
You cannot chuse but love me.

Pene.
Why?

Ha.
I have beene told so.

Pene.
You are easie of beleefe
I thinke I should be best acquainted with
My owne thoughts, and I dare not be so desperate
To conclude.

Ha.
Come you lie; I could have given't
In smother phrase: y'are a dessembling gentlewoman.
I know your heart, you have lov'd me a great while.
What should I play the foole? if you remember
Iurg'd some wild discourse in the behalfe
Of your lewd kindsman, 'twas a triall of thee
That humor made me love thee; and since that thy vertue.

Pene.
Indeede sir?

Ha.
Indeede, sir? why I have beene contracted to thee.

Pene.
How long?

Ha.
This halfe houre, know thy portion, and shall have it.

Pene.
Strange.

Ha.
Nay i'le have thee too.

Pene.
You will?

Ha.
I cannot helpe it; thy kind cozen will have it so:
Tis his owne plott, to make thee amends, ist not
Good mirth? but 'tis not love to thee or mee,
But to have me possest hee is no cuckold:
I see through his device, thou art much beholding to him:
He meant to have put thee off with halfe thy portion,
But that if things come out we should keepe counsell.
Say ist a match? I have two thousand pound too
I thanke the Dice, lett's put our stocks together,
Children will follow; he is here already.

Enter Wilding.
Wi.
So close! I am glad on't, this prepares, Will Hazard,
And my yong Cozen; a word Penelope.

Ha.
Now will he make all sure.

Wi.
You us'd me courselie,
But I have forgot it, what discourse have you


With this gentleman?

Pene.
He would seeme to be a Sutor.

Wi.
Entertaine him; d'ee heare, you may do worse, be rul'd.
'Twas in my thought to move it, does he not
Talke stangelie?

Pene.
Of what?

Wi.
Of nothing, let me counsell you
To love him, call him husband.

Pene.
I resolve
Never to marry without your consent.

Enter Acre-lesse, Litle-stocke, Sell-away.
Ha.
Gentlemen, welcome.

Pene.
If you bestow me, sir, I will be confident
I am not lost, I must confesse I love him.

Wi.
No more: then loose no time kinde gentlemen,
Y'are come most seasonably to be the witnesses
Of my consent, I have examin'd both
Your hearts, and freely give thee here my kinswoman:
No sooner shall the Church pronounce you married
But challenge what is hers.

Ha.
Two thousand pound.

Wi.
I do confesse it is her portion
You shanot stay to talke, nay gentlemen,
Pray see the busines finish'd.

A. L. S.
We attend you.

Wi.
So, so, this will confirme him in the opinion,
Penelope was the creature he injoy'd,
And keepe off all suspition of my wife,
Who is still honest in the imagination
That only I embrac'd her, all secure,
And my browes smooth agen, who can deride me?
But I my selfe, ha, that's too much I know it,
And spight of these tricks am a Cornelius.
Cannot I bribe my conscience to be ignorant?
Why then I ha done nothing yes advanc'd
The man, that grafted shame upon my fore-head:
Vexation, parted with two thousand pound,
And am no lesse a cuckold then before
Was I predestin'd to this shame and mockerie?


Where were my braines? yet why am I impatient?
Unlesse betrai'd he cannot reach the knowledge,
And then no matter—yes I am curst agen,
My torment multiplies, how can he thinke
He plaid the wanton with Penelope
When he finds her a maide? that ruines all:
I wod she had beene strumpeted, he knowes
My wives Virginitie to well, I am lost,
And must be desperate, kill him; no, my wife.
Not so good, death is overblacke and horrid,
And I am growne ridiculous to my selfe.
I must do some thing.

Enter Sr. Richard Hurry.
Hu.
Master Wilding, welcome,
Y'ave beene a great a stranger.

Wi.
Do you know me?

Hu.
Know you?

Wi.
They say I am much alter'd alate.

Hu.
There is some alteration in your forehead.

Wi.
My forehead?

Hu.
Tis not smooth enough, you're troubled:
Your wife's within.

Wi.
Shee loves your daughter, sir.

Hu.
When saw you Master Beaumont?

Wi.
Not to day.

Hu.
I have sent for him; pray stay, and witnes
His further examination, I propounded
A way to doe him good but he is obstinate.
Would I could change condition with him!

Wi.
He is not troubled now with being a cuckold,
You shall command.

Enter Mistris Wilding, and a Servant.
Hu.
Your husband Lady,

Wi.
Wife you are a whore
You shall know more hereafter,
I must goe live i'th Forrest.

Mi.
And I i'th Common.

Wi.
Sheele turne prostitute.

Hu.
Attend him hither. Master Beaumont's come


Nay you shall favour me so much, here's the gentleman
Enter Master Beaumont with Officers.
Already.

Bea.
Sir, your pleasure? by your command I am brought hither,
I hope you have no more to charge me with
Then freelie I have confest.

Hu.
Yes.

Bea.
I must answer
You can have but my life to satisfie;
Pray speake my accusation.

Hu.
Besides the offence knowne and examin'd
You are guilty
Of that which all good natures do abhorre.

Bea.
You have a priviledge, but do not make me
Good sir, to appeare monstrous, who are my
Accusers?

Hu.
I am one.

Bea.
And my judge too:
I have small hope to plead then, but proceede,
And name my trespasse.

Hu.
That which includes all
That man should hate; ingratitude.

Bea.
You have
Preferrd a large inditement, and are the first
That ever chargd me with't, it is a staine
My soule held most at distance, but descend
To some particular; this offence doth rise
Or fall in the degree, or reference
To persons sinn'd against, to whom have I
Beene so ingratefull?

Hu.
Ingrate as high as murder.

Bea.
To whom?

Hu.
Thy selfe, to whom that life thou oughtest to cherish
Thou hast undone

Bea.
I am not so uncharitable
How ere you please to urge it, but I know
Why you conclude so, let me, sir, be honest
To heaven and my owne heart, and then if life
Will follow, it shall bee welcome.

Ha.
Still perverse:
Stand forth my Leonora, looke upon her.



Bea.
I see a comely frame which cannot bee
Without as faire a minde.

Hu.
With her I make
Once more a tender of my wealth and thy
Enlargement.

Wi.
How can you discharge him, sir?

Hu.
Take you no care for that, it shall be secur'd
If he accept, 'tis the last time of asking,
Answer to purpose now.

Bea.
There shall neede none,
Sir, to forbid this marriage, but my selfe;
My resolution but warme before
Is now a flame I honour this faire Virgine,
And am too poore to thanke your love, but must not
Buy life with so much shame, I am Violante,
My last breath shall confirme it.

Wi.
Beaumont thinke on't
A little better, be not mad; if this be possible
Embrace her instantlie.

Bea.
Shee does not looke
With any countenance of love upon me:
See, shee does weepe.

Wi.
Sheele love thee afterwards,
And shee doe not, she can but cuckold thee
There be more i'th Parish man.

Hu.
Since you are so peremptory
So peremptory: here receave your sentence.
Live and love happilie.

Vio.
My dearest Beaumont.

Wi.
To what purpose is this? he must be hangd for Delamore.

Hu.
Heer's one can cleere the danger.

Wi.
The Surgeon? did not you say he was dead?

Sur.
I did, to serve his ends, which you see noble:
Delamore is past danger, but wants strength
To come abroad.

Leo.
You give me another life.

Hu.
I see heaven has decreed him for thy husband,
And shat have my consent too.

Leo.
Now you blesse me.



Hu.
I wished to call thee sonne, pardon my triall
Joy ever in your bosomes.

Bea.
I feele a blessing
That onely can be thought, silence my tongue,
And let our hearts discourse.

Enter Hazard, Penelope, Acre-lesse, Little-stocke, and Sel-away
Ha.
You leave gentlefolks; who wishes joy,
And a bundle of boyes the first night?

Hu.
Married.

Pene.
Fast as the Priest could tie us.

A. S. L.
We are witnesses.

Ha.
Cozen two thousand pound, and Ladie now
Tis time to cleere all.

Wi.
I'le be divorc'd now
Wife y'are a Whore.

Ha.
Ho there, no bug-words, come
Wee must tell something in your care. Be merry
You are no cuckold, make no noise, I know
That's it, offends your stomake.

Wi.
Ha!

Ha.
I touch'd not her, nor this with one rude action.
Weele talke the circumstance when you come home.
Your wife expected you, but when I came
She had prepar'd light, and her Cozen here
To have made you blush and chide you into honesty
Seeing their chast simplicities, was wonne
To silence, which brought on my better fortune.

Wi.
Can this be reall

Mi.
By my hopes of peace
I'th tother World you have no injury:
My plot was onely to betraie you to
Love and repentance.

Pene.
Be not troubled, sir,
I am a witnes of my Cozens truth,
And hope youle make all prosper, in renewing
Your faith to her.

Ha.
Be wise and no more words
Thou hast a treasure in thy wife, make much on her:
For any act of mine, she is as chast
As when she was new borne. Love love her Jacke.


As when she was new borne. Love; love her Jacke.

Wi.
I am asham'd, pray give me all forgivenes.
I see my follies, heaven invite me gently
To thy chast bed, be thou againe my dearest,
Thy vertue shall instruct me: joy to all:
Here be more.—Delamore is living,
And Leonora mark'd to injoy him,
Violante is possest of Beaumont too.

Ha.
These be loves miracles: a spring tide flow
In every bosome.

Hu.
This day let me feast you
Anon wee'le visit Delamore.

Leo.
My soule
Longs to salute him.

Ha.
Here all follyes die.
May never Gamester have worse fate then I.

FINIS.