 | The Nice Valovr, or The Passionate Mad-man |  |
Actus primus.
Scæna prima.
Duke, Shamount, and 4 Gentlemen.Duke.
Shamount , welcome; we have mist thee long,
Though absent but two daies: I hope your sports
Answer your time and wishes.
Sham.
Very nobly sir:
We found game worthy your delight my Lord,
It was so royall.
Du.
I've enough to heare on't,
Prethee bestow't upon me in discourse.
1 Gen.
What is this Gentleman Coz? you are a Courtier,
Therefore know all their insides.
2 Gent.
No farther then the Taffitie goes good Coz,
For the most part, which is indeed the best part
Of the most generall inside: marry thus far
I can with boldnesse speake this ones mans Character,
And upon honour passe it for a true one;
He has that strength of manly merit in him,
That it exceeds his Soveraignes power of gracing;
He's faithfully true to valour, that he hates
The man from Cæsars time, or farther off,
That ever tooke disgrace unreveng'd:
And if he chance to read his abject story,
He teares his memory out, and holds it vertuous,
Not to let shame have so much life amongst us;
There is not such a curious piece of courage
Amongst mans fellowship, or one so jealous
Of honours losse, or reputations glory:
There's so much perfect, of his growing story.
1 Gen.
'Twould make one dote on vertue as you tell it.
2 Gen.
I ha' told it to much losse, beleeve it Coz.
3 Gent.
How the Duke graces him? what is he brother?
4 Gen.
Do you not yet know him? a vain-glorious coxcombe,
As proud as he that fell for't:
Set but aside his valour, no vertue,
Which is indeed, not fit for any Courtier;
And we his fellowes are as good as he,
Perhaps as capable of favour too,
For one thing or another, if 'twere look'd into:
Give me a man, were I a Soveraigne now,
Has a good stroake at Tennis, and a stiffe one,
Can play at Equinoctium with the Line,
As even as the thirteenth of September,
When day and night lye in a scale together:
Or may I thrive as I deserve at Billiards;
No otherwise at Chesse, or at Primero:
These are the parts requir'd, why not advanc'd?
Du.
Trust me, it was no lesse then excellent pleasure,
And I'm right glad 'twas thine. How fares our kinsman?
Who can resolve us best?
1 Gent.
I can my Lord.
Du.
There if I had a pitty without bounds,
It might be all bestowed—A man so lost
In the wild waies of passion, that he's sensible
Of nought but what torments him?
1 Gent.
True my Lord,
He runs through all the Passions of mankind,
And shifts 'em strangely too: one while in love,
And that so violent, that for want of businesse,
Hee'l court the very Prentice of a Laundresse,
Though she have kib'd heeles: and in's melancholly agen,
He will not brooke an Empresse, though thrice fairer
Then ever Maud was; or higher spirited
Then Cleopatra, or your English Countesse:
Then on a sudden he's so merry againe,
Out-laughs a waiting woman, before her first Child:
And turning of a hand, so angry—
'Has almost beate the Northen fellow blind;
That is for that use only; if that mood hold my Lord,
'Had need of a freshman; I'le undertake,
He shall bruise three a month.
Du.
I pitty him dearely:
And let it be your charge, with his kind brother,
To see his moods observ'd; let every passion
Be fed ev'n to a surfet, which in time
May breed a loathing: let him have enough
Of every object, that his sence is rapt with;
And being once glutted, then the taste of folly
Will come into his rellish.
Exit.
1 Gent.
I shall see
Your charge my Lord most faithfully effected:
And how does noble Shamount?
Sha.
Never ill man
Untill I heare of basenesse, then I sicken,
I am the healthful'st man i'th' Kingdome else.
1 Gent.
Be arm'd then for a fit,
Enter Lapet.
Here comes a fellow
Will make you sicke at heart, if basenesse do't.
Sha.
Let me be gone: what is he?
1 Gent.
Let me tell you first,
It can be but a qualme, pray stay it out sir,
Come, y'ave borne more then this.
Sha.
Borne? never any thing
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Gen.
Ha, I am far from that.
Sha.
He lookes as like a man as I have seene one:
What would you speake of him? speake well I prethee,
Even for humanities cause.
1 Gent.
You'd have it truth though?
Sha.
What else sir? I have no reason to wrong heav'n
To favour nature; let her beare her owne shame
If she be faultie.
1 Gent.
Monstrous faultie there sir.
Sha.
I'm ill at ease already.
1 Gent.
Pray beare up sir.
Sha.
I Prethee let me take him down with speed then.
Like a wild object that I would not looke upon.
1 Gent.
Then thus: he's one that will endure as much
As can be lay'd upon him.
Sha.
That may be noble:
I'm kept too long from his acquaintance.
1 Gent.
O sir,
Take heed of rash repentance, y'are too forward
To find out vertue where it never setled:
Take the particulars first of what he endures;
Videlicet, Bastinadoes by the great.
Sha.
How!
1 Gent.
Thumps by the dozen, and your kicks by wholesale.
Sha.
No more of him.
1 Gent.
The twinges by the nostril he snuffes up,
And holds it the best remedy for sneazing.
Sha.
Away.
1 Gent.
Has been thrice switz't from seven a clock till nine,
Yet with a Cart-Horse stomack fell to break-fast,
Forgetfull of his smart.
Sha.
Nay, the disgrace on't;
There is no smart but that: base things are felt
More by their shames then hurts Sir, I know you not,
But that you live an injury to nature:
I'm heartily angry with you.
Lap.
Pray give your blow or kicke, and begon then:
For I ne're saw you before, and indeed,
Have nothing to say to you, for I know you not.
Sha.
Why wouldst thou take a blow?
Lap.
I would not sir,
Unlesse 'twere offer'd me; and if from an enemy—
I'de be loth to deny it from a stranger.
Sha.
What, a blow?
Endure a blow? and shall he live that gives it?
Lap.
Many a faire yeare—why not sir?
Sha.
Let me wonder!
As full a man to see too, and as perfect—
I prethee live not long—
Lap.
How?
Sha.
Let me intreat it:
Thou dost not know what wrong thou dost mankind,
To walke so long here; not to dye betimes.
Let me advise thee, while thou hast to live here,
Ev'n for mans honour sake, take not a blow more.
Lap.
You should advise them not to strike me then sir,
For Ile take none I assure you, lesse then are given.
Sha.
How faine would I preserve mans forme from shame,
And cannot get it done? however sir,
I charge thee live not long.
Lap.
This is worse then beating.
Sha.
Of what profession art thou, tell me sir,
Besides a Taylor? for Ile know the truth.
Lap.
A Taylor? I'm as a good a Gentleman—
Can shew my armes and all.
Sha.
How black and blew they are?
Is that your manifestation? upon paine
Of pounding thee to dust, assume not wrong fully,
The name of Gentleman, because I am one,
That must not let thee live.
Lap.
I have done, I have done sir,
If there be any harme, beshrew the Herald,
I 'em sure I ha not been so long a gentleman,
To make this anger: I have nothing no where,
But what I dearely pay for.
Exit.
Sh.
Groom begone;
I never was so heart-sick yet of man.
Enter Lady, the Dukes sister, Lapets wife.
1 Gen.
Here comes a cordiall Sir from tother sex,
Able to make a dying face look chearfull.
Sh.
The blessednesse of Ladies—
Lady.
Y'are well met sir.
Sh.
The sight of you has put an evill from me,
Whose breath was able to make vertue sicken.
Lady.
I'me glad I came so fortunately. What was't sir?
Sh.
A thing that takes a blow, lives and eates after it,
In very good health; you ha' not seen the like Madam,
A monster worth your sixpence, lovely worth,
Speak low Sir; by all likely-hoods 'tis her husband,
That now bestow'd a visitation on me. Farewell sir.
Ex.
Sh.
Husband? is't possible that he has a wife?
Would any creature have him? 'twas some forc'd match,
If he were not kick'd toth' Church oth' wedding day,
Ile never come at Court. Can be no otherwise:
Perhaps he was rich, speak Mistris Lapet, was it not so?
VVife.
Nay, that's without all question.
Sh.
O ho, he would not want kickers enow then;
If you are wise, I much suspect your honesty;
For wisedome never fastens constantly,
But upon merit: If you incline to foole,
You are alike unfit for his societie;
Nay if it were not boldnesse in the man
That honours you, to advise you, troth his company
Should not be frequent with you.
VVife.
'Tis good counsell sir.
Sh.
Oh I am so carefull where I reverence,
So just to goodnesse, and her precious purity,
I am as equallie jealous, and as fearefull,
That any undeserved staine might fall
Upon her sanctified whitenesse, as of the sin
That comes by wilfulnesse.
VVife.
Sir, I love your thoughts,
And honour you for your counsell and your care.
Sh.
We are your servants.
VVife.
Hee's but a gentleman oth' chamber, he might have kist me:
Faith, where shall one finde lesse courtesie, then at Court?
Say I have an undeserver to my husband:
That's ne're the worse for him: well strange lipt men,
'Tis but a kisse lost, there'll more come agen.
Exit.
Enter the Passionate Lord, the Dukes Kinsman, makes a congie or two to nothing.
1 Gen.
Look who comes here sir, his love fit's upon him;
I know it, by that set smile, and those congies.
How courteous hee's to nothing? which indeed,
Is the next kin to woman; onely shadow
The elder Sister of the twaine, because 'tis seen too.
See how it kisses the fore-finger still;
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So neare the thumbe every Cobler has got it.
Sham.
What a ridiculous peice, humanity
Here makes it selfe?
1 Gent.
Nay good give leave a little sir,
Y'are so precise a manhood—
Sha.
It afflicts me
When I behold unseemelinesse in an Image
So neare the Godhead, 'tis an injurie
To glorious Eternity.
1 Gent.
Pray use patience sir.
Pas.
I do confesse it freely precious Lady,
And loves suit is so, the longer it hangs
The worse it is; better cut off sweet Madam;
O that same drawing in your nether lip there,
Foreshewes no goodnesse Lady: make you question on't?
Shame on me but I love you.
1 Gent.
Who is't sir,
You are at all this paines for? may I know her?
Pas.
For thee thou fairest, yet the falsest woman,
That ever broke mans heart-strings.
1 Gent.
How? how's this sir?
Pas.
What, the old tricke of Ladies? mans apparrell,
Wil't nere be left amongst you? steale from Court in't?
1 Gent.
I see the fit growes stronger.
Pas.
Pray let's talke a little.
Sha.
I can endure no more.
1 Gen.
Good, let us alone a little:
You are so exact a worke: love light things somewhat sir.
Sha.
Th'are all but shames.
1 Gen.
What is't you'd say to me sir?
Pas.
Can you be so forgetfull to enquire it Lady?
1 Gent.
Yes truly sir.
Pas.
The more I admire your flintinesse:
What cause have I given you, illustrious Madam,
To play this strange part with me?
1 Gent.
Cause enough,
Do but looke backe sir into your memorie,
Your love to other women ô lewd man,
'Tas almost kil'd my heart, you see I'm chang'd with it,
I ha' lost the fashion of my Sexe with griefe on't,
When I have seen you courting of a Dowdie;
Compar'd with me, and kissing your fore-finger
To one o'th' black-guards Mistresses: would not this
Cracke a poore Ladies heart, that beleev'd love,
And waited for the comfort? but 'twas said sir,
A Lady of my haire cannot want pittying:
The Countries coming up, farewell to you sir.
Pas.
Whither intend you sir?
1 Gent.
A long journey sir:
The truth is, I'm with child, and goe to travell.
Pas.
With child? I never got it.
1 Gent.
I heard you were busie
At the same time sir, and was loath to trouble you.
Pas.
Why, are not you a whore then, excellent Madam?
1 Gent.
O by no meanes, 'twas done sir in the state
Of my beliefe in you, and that quits me,
It lies upon your falshod.
Pas.
Does it so?
You shall not carry her though sir, she's my contract.
2 Gent.
I prethee thou four Elements ill brued,
Torment none but thy selfe; away I say
Thou beast of passion, as the drunkard is
The beast of wine; dishonour to thy making,
Thou man in fragments.
Pas.
Heare me pretious Madam.
Sham.
Kneele for thy wits to heaven.
Pas.
Lady, I'le father it,
Who ere begot it: 'tis the course of greatnesse.
Sha.
How vertue groanes at this?
Pas.
I'le raise the Court, but I'le stay your slight.
Sha.
How wretched is that peice?
Ex. Pas. Lord.
1 Gen.
He's the Dukes kinsman sir.
Sha.
That cannot take a passion away sir,
Nor cut a fit, but one poore houre shorter,
He must endure as much as the poorest begger,
That cannot change his money; there's the equality
In our impartiall essence:
What's the newes now?
Ent. a Servant.
Ser.
Your worthy brother sir, has left his charge,
And come to see you.
Ent. Shamounts brother a Souldier.
Sha.
O the noblest welcome
That ever came from man, meet thy deservings:
Methinkes I've all joyes treasure in mine armes now,
Soul.
You are so fortunate in prevention brother,
You alwaies leave the answerer barren sir,
You comprehend in few words so much worth—
Sha.
'Tis all too little for thee: come th'art welcome,
So I include all: take especiall knowledge pray,
Of this deare Gentleman, my absolute friend,
That loves a Souldier far above a Mistris,
Thou excellently faithfull to 'em both.
But love to manhood, ownes the purer troath.
Exeunt.
| The Nice Valovr, or The Passionate Mad-man | |