 | VVit At severall VVeapons |  |
Actus Quintus.
Scæna Prima.
Enter Cunningame (at one doore) Witty Pate, Ruinous, L. Ruinous, and Priscian (at the other.)Cun.
Friend, met in the harvest of our designes,
Not a thought but's busle.
Wit.
I knew it man,
And that made me provide these needfull Reapers,
Hooks, Rakers, Gleaners; wee'l sing it home
With a melodious Horne-pipe; this is the Bond,
That as we further in your great affaire,
You'l suffer us to gleane, pick up for crums,
And if we snatch a handfull from the sheafe,
You will not looke a churle on's.
Cun.
Friend, wee'l share
The sheaves of gold, only the Love Aker
Shall be peculiar.
Wit.
Much good do you, Sir,
Away, you know your way, and your stay; get you
The Musick ready, while we prepare the dancers.
Ruin.
We are a consort of our selves.
Pris.
And can strike up lustily.
Wit.
You must bring Sir Fop.
Cun.
That's perfect enough.
Ruin.
Bring all the Fops you can, the more the better fare,
So the proverbe runs backwards.
Exeunt Ruin. & Pris.
L. Ruin.
Ile bring the Ladies.
Exit.
Wit.
Do so first, and then the Fops will follow;
I must to my father, he must make one.
Exit.
Enter two Servants with a Banquet.
Cun.
While I dispatch a businesse with the Knight,
And I go with you. Well sed, I thank you,
This small Banquet will furnish our few Guests
With taste and stare enough; one reach my Gowne,
The action craves it rather then the weather.
1 Serv.
There's one staies to speake with you Sir.
Cun.
What is he?
1 Serv.
Faith I know not what, Sir, a foole I thinke,
That some Brokers shop has made half a Gentleman;
Has the name of a Worthy too.
Cun.
Pompey? is't not?
1 Serv.
That's he, Sir.
Cun.
Alas poore fellow, prethee enter him, he will need too,
Enter second Servant with a Gowne.
He shall serve for a Witnesse. Oh Gramercy:
If my friend Sir Gregory comes, you know him,
Enter Clowne.
Entertaine him kindly. Oh Master Pompey, how is't man?
Clow.
'Snailes, I'me almost starv'd with love, and cold, and one thing or other;
Has not my Lady sent for me yet?
Cun.
Not that I heare, sure some unfriendly Messenger
Is imployed betwixt you,
Clow.
I was ne're so cold in my life, in my conscience
I have been seven mile in length, along the new River; I
have seene a hundred stickle bags; I do not thinke but
there's gudgeons too; 'twill ne're be a true water.
Why thinke you so?
Clow.
I warrant you, I told a thousand Millers thumbs in it,
Ile make a little bold with your Sweet-meats.
And welcome Pompey.
Clow.
'Tis a strange thing, I have no taste in any thing.
Cun.
Oh, that's Love, that distaits any thing but it selfe.
Clow.
'Tis worse then Cheese in that point, may not a
man breake his word with a Lady? I could finde in my
heart and my hose too.
Cun.
By no meanes Sir, that breakes all the Lawes
of Love.
Clow.
Well, ile ne're passe my word without my deed to
Lady, while I live agen, I would faine recover my taste.
Cun.
Well, I have newes to tell you.
Clow.
Good newes, Sir?
Cun.
Happy newes, I help you away with a Rivall your
Master bestow'd
Clow.
Where for this plumbs sake—
Cun.
Nay listen me.
Clow.
I warrant you, Sir, I have two eares to one mouth,
I heare more then I eat, i'de ne're row by Queen Hive
While lived else.
Cun.
I have a wife for him, and that shall witnesse the Contract.
Clow.
The old one I hope, 'tis not the Lady?
Cun.
Choak him first, 'tis one which thou shalt see,
See him, see him deceiv'd, see the deceit, only
The injunction is, you shall smile with modesty.
Clow.
Ile simper ifaith, as cold as I am yet, the old one
I hope.
Enter Servant.
Serv.
Sir, here's Sir Gregory.
Cun.
Ud' so, shelter, shelter, if you be seene
All's ravell'd out agen; stand there private,
And you'le finde the very opportunity
To call you forth, and place you at the Table.
Enter Sir Gregory.
You are welcome Sir, this Banquet will serve,
When it is crown'd with such a dainty as you
Expect, and must have.
Sir Greg.
Tush, these sweet-meats are but sauce to that,
Well, if there be any honesty or true word in a dreame,
She's mine owne, nay, and chang'd extreamely,
Not the same woman.
Cun.
Who? not the Lady?
Sir Greg.
No, not to me, the edge of her tongue is taken off,
Gives me very good words, turn'd upside downe to me,
And we live as quietly as two Tortusses, if she hold on
As she began in my dreame.
Soft Musick.
Cun.
Nay, if Love send forth such Predictions,
You are bound to beleeve 'em, there's the watch-word
Of her coming, to your practis'd part now,
If you hit it, Æquus Cupido nobis.
Both go into the Gowne
Sir Greg.
I will warrant you Sir, I will give armes to
Your Gentry, looke you forward to your businesse,
I am an eye behind you, place her in that Chaire,
And let me alone to grope her out.
Enter Mirabell.
Cun.
Silence, Lady, your sweet presence illustrates
This homely roofe, and as course entertainment;
But where affections are both Host and Guest,
They cannot meet unkindly; please you fit,
Your something long stay made me unmannerly,
To place before you, you know this friend here,
He's my Guest, and more especially,
That this our meeting might not be too single,
Without a witnesse to't.
Mirab.
I came not unresolv'd, Sir,
And when our hands are clasp'd in that firme faith
Which I expect from you; fame shall be bold
To speake the lowdest on't: oh, you graspe me.
Somewhat too hard friend.
Cun.
That's Loves eager will,
Ile touch it gentlier.
Kisse her hand.
Mirab.
That's too low in you,
Lesse it be doubly recompenc'd in me.
She kisses his hand.
Clow.
Puh, I must stop my mouth, I shall be choakt else.
Cun.
Come, wee'le not play and trifle with delayes,
We met to joyne these hands, and willingly
I cannot leave it till confirmation.
Mirab.
One word first, how does your friend, kinde Sir Gregory?
Cun.
Why do you mention him? you love him not?
Mir.
I shall love you the lesse if you say so, Sir,
In troth I love him, but 'tis you deceive him,
This flattering hand of yours does rob him now,
Now you steale his right from him, and I know
I shall have hate for't, his hate extreamly.
Cun.
Why I thought you had not come so weakly arm'd,
Upon my life the Knight will love you for't,
Exceedingly love you, for ever love you.
Mir.
I, you'le perswade me so.
Cun.
Why he's my friend,
And wishes me a fortune equall with him,
I know, and dare speake it for him.
Mir.
Oh, this hand betrayes him, you might remember
him in some courtesie yet at least.
Cun.
I thank your help in't, here's to his health
Where e're he be.
Mir.
Ile pledge it were it against my health.
Clow.
Oh, oh, my heart hops after twelve mile a day,
upon a good returne, now could I walke three hundred
mile a foot; and laugh forwards and backwards.
Mir.
You'le take the Knights health Sir,
Clow.
Yes, yes forsooth, oh my sides! such a Banquet
once a weeke, would make me grow fat in a fortnight.
Cun.
Well, now to close our meeting, with the close
Of mutuall hands and hearts, thus I begin,
Here in Heaven's eye, and all loves sacred powers,
(Which in my prayers stand propitious)
I knit this holy hand fast, and with this hand
The heart that owes this hand, ever binding
By force of this initiating Contract
Both heart and hand in love, faith, loyalty,
Estate, or what to them belongs, in all the dues;
Rights and honours of a faithfull husband,
And this firme vow henceforth till death to stand
Irrevocable, seal'd both with heart and hand.
Mir.
Which thus I second, but oh, Sir Gregory.
Cun.
Agen? this interposition's ill, beleeve me.
Mir.
Here in Heavens eye, and all Loves sacred powers
I knit this holy hand fast, and with this hand
The heart that owes this hand, ever binding
Both heart and hand in love, honour, loyalty,
Estate, or what to them belongs in all the dues,
Rights, and duties of a true faithfull wife;
And this firme Vow henceforth till death to stand,
Irrevocable seal'd both with heart and hand.
Sir Greg.
A full agreement on both parts.
Cun.
I, here's witnesse of that.
Sir Greg.
Nay, I have over-reacht you Lady, and that's much,
Mir.
I rejoyce in my deceit, I am a Lady
Now, I thanke you Sir.
Clow.
Good morrow Lady Fop.
Sir Greg.
'Snailes, i'me gull'd, made a worshipfull asse,
this is not my Lady.
Cun.
But it is Sir, and true as your dreame told you,
That your Lady was become another woman.
Sir Greg.
Ile have another Lady Sir, if there were no
more Ladies in London, blinde-man buffe is an unlawfull Game.
Cun.
Come, downe on your knees first, and thanke your stars.
Sir Greg.
A fire of my stars, I may thanke you I think.
Cun.
So you may pray for me, and honour me,
That have preserv'd you from a lasting torment,
For a perpetuall comfort; did you call me friend?
Sir Greg.
I pray pardon me for that, I did miscall you, I confesse.
Cun.
And should I receiving such a thankfull name
Abuse it in the act? should I see my friend
Bafful'd, disgrac'd, without any reverence
To your title to be call'd slave, rascall?
Nay curst to your face, fool'd, scorn'd, beaten downe
With a womans peevish hate, yet I should stand
And suffer you to be lost, cast away?
I would have seene you buried quick first,
Your spurrs of Knight-hood to have wanted rowels,
And to be kickt from your heeles; slave, rascall?
Heare this tongue?
Mir.
My dearest Love, sweet Knight, my Lord, my Husband.
Cun.
So, this is not slave and rascall then.
Mir.
What shall your eye command, but shall be done,
In all the duties of a loyall wife?
Cun.
Good, good, are not curses fitter for you? wer't not better
Your head were broke with the handle of a fanne,
Or your nose bor'd with a silver bodkin?
Mir.
Why, I will be a servant in your Lady.
Cun.
Pox, but you shall not, she's too good for you,
This contract shall be a nullity, ile breake't off,
And see you better bestow'd.
Sir Greg.
'Slid, but you shall not Sir, she's mine owne,
And I am hers, and we are one anothers lawfully, and let
me see him that will take her away by the Civill Law, if
you be my friend keepe you so, if you have done me a
good turne, do not hit me ith' teeth with't, that's not the
part of a friend.
Cun.
If you be content—
Sir Greg.
Content? I was never in better contention in my life,
Ile not change her for both the Exchanges, New or the Old;
Come, kisse me boldly.
Clow.
Give you joy, Sir.
Sir Greg.
Oh Sir, I thanke you as much as though I
did, you are beloved of Ladies, you see we are glad of under
women.
Clow.
Ladies? let not Ladies be disgrac'd, you are as
it were a married man, and have a Family, and for the
parties sake that was unnam'd before, being Pese-cod
time, I am appeas'd, yet I would wish you make a ruler of
your tongue.
Cun.
Nay, no dissention here, I must bar that,
And this (friend) I entreat you, and be advis'd,
Let this private contract be yet conceal'd,
And still support a seeming face of love
Unto the Lady; marke how it availes you,
And quits all her scornes, her Unckle is now hot
In pursuit of the match, and will enforce her
Bend her proud stomack, that she shall proffer
Her selfe to you, which when you have flouted,
And laught your fill at, you shall scorne her off
With all your disgraces trebled upon her,
For there the pride of all her heart will bow,
When you shall foot her from you, not she you.
Sir Greg.
Good ifaith; ile continue it, i'de faine laugh
at the old fellow too, for he has abus'd me as scurvily as
his Neece, my Knight-hood's upon the spur, wee'le go to
Bed, and then to Church as fast as we can.
Exit Sir Greg. and Mirab.
Clow.
I do wonder I do not heare of the Lady yet.
Cun.
The good minute may come sooner then you are aware of,
I do not thinke but 'twill e're night yet as neare as 'tis.
Clow.
Well, I will go walke by the new River in that
meditation, I am o're shooes i'me sure upon the dry bank,
this gullery of my Master will keepe me company this two
houres too, if love were not an enemy to laughter I should
drive away the time well enough; you know my walke Sir,
if she sends, I shall be found angling, for I will try what
I can catch for luck sake, I will fish faire for't.
But oh Lady, thou tak'st downe my merry part.
Exit.
Enter Witty-pate.
Witty.
Friend.
Cun.
Here friend.
Witty.
All's a foot, and will go smooth away,
The woman has conquer'd the women, they are gone,
Which I have already complain'd to my Father,
Suggesting that Sir Gregory is falne off
From his charge, for neglects and ill usage,
And that he is most violently bent
On Gentries wife (whom I have call'd a widow)
And that without most sudden prevention
He will be married to her.
Cun.
Foot, all this is wrong,
This wings his pursuit, and will be before me; I am lost for ever.
Witty.
No, stay, you shall not go
But with my Father, on my wit let it lye,
You shall appeare a friendly assistant,
To helpe in all affaires, and in execution
Helpe your selfe only.
Cun.
Would my beleefe
Were stronge in this assurance.
Witty.
You shall credit it,
And my wit shall be your slave if it deceive you.
Enter Old Knight.
My Father—
O. K.
Oh Sir, you are well met, where's the Knight
your friend?
Cun.
Sir, I thinke your Sonne has told you.
Witty.
Shall I stand to tell't agen? I tell you he loves,
But not my Kins-woman, her base usage,
And your slack performance which he accuses most
Indeed, has turn'd the Knights heart upside downe.
O. K.
Ile curbe her for't, can he be but recover'd,
He shall have her, and she shall be dutifull,
And loue him as a wife too.
Witty.
With that condition Sir,
I dare recall him were he enter'd the Church,
So much interest of love I assure in him.
O. K.
Sir, it shall be no losse to you if you do.
I, but these are words still, will not the deeds
Be wanting at the recovery, if it should be agen?
O. K.
Why here foole, I am provided, five hunder'd in earnest,
Of the thousands in her Dower, but were they married once,
I'de cut him short enough, that's my agreement.
Witty.
I, now I perceive some purpose in you, Father.
O. K.
But wherefore is she then stolne out of doores to him?
Witty.
To him? oh fye upon your errour, she has another
object, beleeve it Sir.
O. K.
I never could perceive it.
Witty.
I did Sir, and to her shame I should speake it,
To my owne sorrow I saw it, dalliance,
Nay dotage with a very Clowne, a Foole.
O. K.
Wit and wantons? nothing else? nothing else?
She love a Foole? she'le sooner make a foole
Of a wise man.
Cun.
I, my friend complaines so,
Sir Gregory sayes flatly she makes a foole of him,
And these bold circumstances are approv'd;
Favours have been sent by him, yet he ignorant
Whither to carry 'em; they have been understood,
And taken from him, certaine Sir, there is
An unsuspected fellow lyes conceal'd,
What, or where e're he is, these slight neglects
Could not be of a Knight else.
O. K.
Well Sir, you have promis'd (if we recover him
Unmarried) to salve all these old bruises?
Cun.
Ile do my best Sir.
O. K.
I shall thanke you, costly Sir, and kindly too.
Witty.
Will you talke away the time here Sir, and come
behinde all your purposes?
O. K.
Away good Sir.
Witty.
Then stay a little good Sir, for my advise,
Why Father are you broke? your wit begger'd,
Or are you at your wits end? or out of
Love with wit? no trick of wit to surprize
Those designes, but with open Hue and Cry,
For all the world to talke on? this is strange,
You were not wont to slubber a project so.
O. K.
Can you helpe at a pinch now? shew your selfe
My sonne; go too, I leave this to your wit,
Because ile make a proofe on't.
Witty.
'Tis thus then,
I have had late intelligence, they are now
Buxsome as Bachus Froes, revelling, dancing,
Telling the Musicks numbers with their feet,
Awaiting the meeting of premonisht friends,
That's questionlesse, little dreading you,
Now Sir, with a dexterous trick indeed, suddaine
And sufficient were well, to enter on um
As something like the abstract of a Masque;
What though few persons? if best for our purpose
That commends the project.
O. K.
This takes up time.
Witty.
Not at all, I can presently furnish
With loose disguises that shall fit that Scene.
O. K.
Why what wants then?
Witty.
Nothing but charge of Musick,
That must be paid you know.
O. K.
That shall be my charges, ile pay the Musick,
What e're it cost.
Witty.
And that shall be all your charge,
Now on, I like it, there will be wit in't Father.
Exit O. K. and Witty.
Cun.
I will neither distrust his wit nor friendship,
Yet if his master braine should be o're-throwne
My resolution now shall seize mine owne.
Exit
Enter Neece, Lady Ruinous, Gardianesse, Ruinous, Priscian, (with instrumenes masqu't.
L. Ruin.
Nay, let's have Musick, let that sweet breath at least
Give us her ayrie welcome, 'twill be the best
I feare this ruin'd receptacle will yeeld,
But that most freely.
Neece.
My welcome followes me,
Else I am ill come hither, you assure me
Still Mr. Cuningame will be here, and that it was
His kinde entreaty that wisht me meet him.
L. Ruin.
Else let me be that shame unto my Sex,
That all beleefe may fly um.
Neece.
Continue still
The Knights name unto my Gardianesse,
She expects no other.
L. Ruin.
He will, he will assure you
Lady, Sir Gregory will be here, and suddainely
This Musick fore-ran him, is't not so consorts?
Ruin.
Yes Lady, he staies on some device to bring along
Such a labour he was busie in, some witty device.
Nee.
'Twill be long e're he comes then, for wit's a great
Labour to him.
Gard.
Well, well, you'le agree better one day.
Nee.
Scarce two I think.
Gard.
Such a mock-begger suit of clothes as led me
Into the fooles paire of Dice, with dewze ace,
He that would make me Mistris Cun, Cun, Cunnie,
He's quite out of my minde, but I shall ne're
Forget him while I have a hole in my head,
Such a one I think would please you better,
Though he did not abuse you.
Ruin.
Fye, speake well of him now,
Your Neece has quitted him.
Gard.
I hope she has,
Else she looses me for ever; but for Sir Gregory,
Would he were come. I shall ill answer this
Unto your Unckle else.
Nei.
You know 'tis his pleasure
I should keepe him company.
Gard.
I, and should be your owne
If you did well too, Lord, I do wonder
At the nicenesse of you Ladies now a dayes,
They must have Husbands with so much wit forsooth.
Worship and wealth were both wont to be
In better request i'me sure, I cannot tell,
But they get ne're the wiser children that I see.
L. Ruin.
La, la, la, la, Sol, this Musick breathes in vaine,
Me thinks 'tis dull to let it move alone,
Let's have a female motion, 'tis in private,
And wee'le grace't our selves how ever it deserves.
Nee.
What say you Gardianesse?
Gard.
'Lasse i'me weary with the walke,
My jaunting dayes are done.
L. Ruin.
Come, come, we'le fetch her in by course, or else
She shall pay the Musick.
Gard.
Nay, ile have a little for my money then.
The Dance, a Cornet is winded.
L Ruin.
Hark? upon my life the Knight; 'tis your friend,
This was the warning-peece of his approach.
Enter Old Knight, Witty-pate, Cuningame, Masqu'd, and take them to dance.
L. Ruin.
Ha? no words but mum? well then,
We shall need no counsell-keeping
Nee.
Cuningame?
Yes, feare nothing.
Nee.
Feare? why do you tell me of it?
Cun.
Your Unckles here.
Nee.
Aye me.
Cun.
Peace.
O. K.
We have caught 'em.
Witty.
Thanke my wit Father.
Gard.
Which is the Knight thinke you?
Nee.
I know not, he will be found when be speakes,
No Maske can disguise his tongue.
Witty.
Are you charg'd?
O. K.
Are you awake?
Witty.
I'me answer'd in a question.
Cun.
Next change we meet, we loose our hands no more.
Nee.
Are you prepar'd to tye 'em?
Cun.
Yes,
You must go with me.
Gard.
Whether Sir? not from my charge beleeve me.
Cun.
She goes a long.
Nee.
Will you ventur and my Unckle here?
Cun.
His stay's prepar'd for.
Exeunt they two.
Gard.
'Tis the Knight sure, ile follow.
Exit Cun. Nee. Gardianesse.
O. K.
How now, the Musick tyr'd before us?
Ruin.
Yes Sir, we must be paid now.
Witty.
Oh, that's my charge Father.
O. K.
But stay, where are our wanton Ladies gone?
Sonne, where are they?
Witty.
Onely chang'd the roome in a change, that's all sure.
O. K.
Ile make 'em all sure else, and then returne to you.
Ruin.
You must pay for your Musick first, Sir.
O. K.
Must? are there musty Fidlers? are Beggers choosers now?
Ha? why Witty-pate, Sonne, where am I?
Witty.
You were dancing e'ne now, in good measure, Sir,
Is your health miscarried since? what ayle you, Sir?
O. K.
Death, I may be gull'd to my face, where's my Neece?
What are you?
L. Ruin.
None of your Neece, Sir.
O. K.
How now? have you loud Instruments too? ile heare
No more I thanke you, what have I done tro
To bring these feares about me? Sonne, where am I?
VVitty.
Not where you should be, Sir, you should be paying
For your Musick, and you are in a maze.
O. K.
Oh, is't so, put up, put up, I pray you,
Here's a crowne for you.
L. Ruin.
Pish, a crowne?
Ru., Pris.
Ha, ha, ha, a crowne?
O. K.
Which way do you laugh? I have seene a crowne
Has made a Consort laugh heartily.
VVitty.
Father,
To tell you truth, these are no ordinary
Musitians, they expect a bounty
Above their punctuall desert.
O. K.
A—on your Puncks, and their deserts too.
Am I not cheated all this while thinke you?
Is not your pate in this?
VVitty.
If you be cheated,
You are not to be Indicted for your owne goods,
Here you trifle time to market your bounty
And make it base, when it must needs be free
For ought I can perceive.
O. K.
Will you know the lowest price, Sir?
VVitty.
That I will Sir, with all my heart.
O. K.
Unlesse I was discover'd, and they now fled
Home agen for feare, I am absolutely beguil'd,
That's the best can be hop'd for.
Witty.
Faith 'tis somewhat too deare yet, Gentlemen.
Ruin.
There's not a Denier to be bated, Sir.
O. K.
Now Sir, how deare is it?
VVitty.
Bate but the tother ten pound?
Pris.
Not a Bawbee, Sir.
O. R.
How? bate ten pound? what's the whole summe then?
Witty.
Faith Sir, a hundred pound, with much a doe,
I got fifty bated, and faith Father, to say truth,
'Tis reasonable for men of their fashion.
O. K.
La, la, la, downe, a hunder'd pound? la, la, la,
You are a Consort of Theeves, are you not?
Witty.
No Musitians Sir, I told you before.
O. K.
Fiddle faddle, is it not a robbery? a plaine robbery?
Witty.
No, no, no, by no meanes Father, you have receiv'd
For your money, nay, and that you cannot give back,
'Tis somewhat deare I confesse, but who can helpe it?
If they had been agreed with before hand,
'Twas ill forgotten.
O. K.
And how many shares have you in this? I see my force,
Case up your Instruments, I yield, here, as rob'd and
Taken from me, I deliver it.
VVitty.
No Sir, you have perform'd your promise now,
which was, to pay the charge of Musick, that's all.
O. K.
I have heard no Musick, I have receiv'd none, Sir,
There's none to be found in me, nor about me.
VVitty.
Why Sir, here's witnesse against you, you have danc'd,
And he that dances acknowledges a receit
Of Musick.
O. K.
I deny that Sir, looke you, I can dance without
Musick, do you see Sir? and I can sing without it too; you
are a consort of Theeves, do you heare what I do?
Witty.
Pray you take heed Sir, if you do move the Musick
agen, it may cost you as much more.
O. K.
Hold, hold, ile depart quietly, I need not bid
you farewell, I think now, so long as that hundred pound
lasts with you.
Enter Gardianesse.
Gard.
Ha, ha, am I snapt ifaith?
Oh, Sir, Perfidious.
O. K.
I, I, some howling anotherwhile, Musick's too
damnable deare.
Gard.
Oh Sir, my heart-strings are broke, if I can but
live to tell you the tale I care not, your Neece my charge
is—
O. K.
What, is she sick?
Gard,
No, no Sir, she's lustily well married.
O. K.
To whom?
Gard.
Oh, to that cunning dissembler, Cuningame.
O. K.
Ile hang the Priest, first, what was he?
Gard.
Your Kinsman Sir, that has the Welch Benefice.
O. K.
I sav'd him from the Gallowes to that end, good,
is there any more?
Garde.
And Sir Gregory is married too.
O. K.
To my Neece too, I hope, and then I may hang her.
Gard.
No Sir, to my Neece, thank Cupid; and that's all
that's likely to recover me, she's Lady Fop now, and I am
One of her Aunts I thanke my promotion.
Cred.
I have perform'd your behest Sir.
O. K.
What have you perform'd Sir?
Witty.
Faith Sir, I must excuse my Cousen in this act,
If you can excuse your selfe for making him
A Priest, there's the most difficult answer
I put this practise on him as from your desire,
A truth, a truth Father.
Cred.
I protest Sir, he tells you truth, he mov'd me to't
in your name.
O. K.
I protest Sir, he told you a lye in my name, and
were you so easie Mr. Credulous to beleeve him?
Cred.
If a man should not beleeve his Cousen Sir, whom
should he beleeve?
O. K.
Godden to you good Mr. Cousen Cuningame,
And your faire Bride, my Cousen Cuningame too,
And how do you, Sir Gregory, with your faire Lady?
Sir Greg.
A little better then you would have had me, I
thanke you Sir, the dayes of Puppy, and Slave, and Rascall
are pretty well blowne over now, I know Crabs from
Verjuyce, I have tryed both, and thoud'st give me thy
Neece for nothing i'de not have her.
Cun.
I thinke so Sir Gregory, for my sake you would not.
Sir Greg.
I wo'd thou had'st scap'd her too, and then
she had dyed of the greene sicknesse, know this, that I did
marry in spight, and I will kisse my Lady in spight, and
love her in spight, and beget children of her in spight, and
when I dye they shall have my Lands in spight; this was
my resolution, and now 'tis out.
Neece.
How spightfull are you now, Sir Gregory?
Why looke you, I can love my dearest Husband,
With all the honours, duties, sweet embraces,
That can be throwne upon a loving man.
Sir Greg.
—This is afore your Unckles face, but behinde
his back in private you'le shew him another tale.
Cun.
You see Sir, now the irrecoverable state of all
these things before you, come out of your muse, they
have been but wit weapons, they were wont to love
the play.
Enter Clowne.
O. K.
Let me alone in my muse a little Sir, I will wake
to you anon.
Cun.
U'd so, your friend Pompey, how will you answer
him?
Neece.
Very well, if you'le but second it, and help me.
Clow.
I do heare strange stories, are Ladies things obnoxious?
Neece.
Oh, the dissembling falsest wretch is come.
Cun.
How now Lady?
Neece.
Let me come to him, and in stead of love
Let me have revenge.
Witty.
Pray you now, will you first examine, whither
he be guilty or no.
Neece.
He cannot be excus'd,
How many Messengers (thou perjur'd man)
Hast thou return'd with Vowes and Oathes? that thou
Wouldst follow, and never till this unhappy houre
Could I set eye of thee, since thy false dye
Drew my heart to it? oh I could teare thee now,
Instead of soft embraces, pray give me leave—
Witty.
Faith this was ill done of you Sir, if you promis'd
otherwise.
Clow.
By this hand, never any Messenger came at me
since the first time I came into her company; that a man
should be wrong'd thus?
Neece.
Did not I send thee Scarfes and Diamonds?
And thou returnd'st me letters, one with a false heart in't.
Witty.
Oh fye! to receive favours, returne false-hoods,
and hold a Lady in hand—
Clow.
Will you believe me Sir? if ever I receiv'd Diamonds,
or Scarfe, or sent any Letter to her, would this
Sword might ne're go through me.
Witty.
Some bad Messengers have gone betweene you
then.
Neece.
Take him from my sight, if I shall see to morrow.
Witty.
Pray you forbeare the place, this discontent may
impaire her health much.
Clow.
Foot, if a man had been in any fault 'twould
ne're have griev'd him, Sir, if you'le beleeve.
Witty.
Nay, nay, protest no more, I do believe you,
But you see how the Lady is wrong'd by't;
She has cast away her selfe it is to be fear'd,
Against her Unckles will, nay, any consent,
But out of a meere neglect, and spight to herselfe,
Married suddenly without any advice.
Clow.
Why who can helpe it? if she be cast away she may
thanke her selfe, she might have gone further and far'd
worse; I could do no more then I could do, 'twas her
owne pleasure to command me that I should not come
till I was sent for, I had been with her every minute of an
houre else.
Witty.
Truly I believe you.
Clow.
Night and day she might have commanded me,
and that she knew well enough; I said as much to her
between her and I, yet I protest she's as honest a Lady for
my part, that i'de say if she would see me hang'd, if she be
cast away I cannot helpe it, she might have stay'd to have
spoke with a man.
Witty.
Well, 'twas a hard misse on both parts.
Clow.
So 'twas, I was within one of her, for all this
crosse luck, I was sure I was between the Knight and
home.
Neece.
Not gone yet? oh my heart! none regard my
health?
Witty.
Good Sir, forbeare her sight a while, you heare
how ill she brookes it.
Clow.
Foolish woman, to over-throw her fortunes so; I
shall thinke the worse of a Ladies wit while I live for't—
I could almost cry for anger, if she should miscarry now,
'twould touch my conscience a little, and who knowes
what love and conceit may do? what would people say as
I go along? there goes he that the Lady dyed for love on,
I am sure to heare on't ith' streets, I shall weepe before
hand; foolish woman, I do grieve more for thee now then
I did love thee before; well, go thy waies, would'st thou
spare thy Husbands head and breake thine owne heart? if
thou hadst any wit, I would some other had been the
cause of thy undoing, I shall be twitted i'th teeth with't,
i'me sure of that, foolish Lady.
Exit.
Neece.
So, so, this trouble's well shooke off, Unckle,
how dee? there's a Dowrie due, sir.
Cun.
We have agreed it, sweetest,
And finde your Unckle fully recover'd, kinde to both of us.
Witty.
To all the rest I hope;
O. K.
Never to thee, nor thee, easie cousen Credulous,
Was your wit so raw?
Cred.
Faith yours Sir, so long season'd
Has been faulty too, and very much to blame,
Speaking it with reverence, Unckle.
Sir Greg.
Yes faith, Sir, you have paid as deare for your
time as any man here.
Witty.
I Sir, and ile reckon it to him. Imprimis, The
first preface cheat of a paire of peeces to the Beggers, you
spake Greeke, and Syriacke, Sir, you understand me now.
Next, the Robbery put upon your indulgent Cousen,
which indeed was no Robbery, no Constable, no Justice,
no Thiefe, but all Cheaters; there was a hunder'd Mark,
mark you that. Lastly, this memorable 100. pounds worth
of Musick, this was but cheats and wit too, and for the
assistance, this Gentleman to my Cousen (for which I am
to have a Fee) that was a little practice of my wit too, Father;
will you come to composition yet, Father?
Cun.
Yes faith Sir, do, two hunder'd a yeare will be
easier then so much weekly, I do not think he's barren if
he should be put to't agen.
O. K.
Why this was the day I look'd for, thou shalt have't,
And the next cheat makes it up three hunder'd;
Live thou upon thy ten pound Vicarage,
Thou get'st not a penny more, here's thy full
Hire now.
Cred.
I thanke you Sir.
Witty.
Why there was the summe of all my wit Father,
To shove him out of your favour, which I fear'd
Would have dis-inherited me.
O. K.
Most certaine it had,
Had not thy wit recover'd it; is there any here
That had a hand with thee?
Witty.
Yes, all these Sir.
O. K.
Nephew, part a hunder'd pound amongst 'em,
Ile repay it; wealth, love me as I love wit;
When I dye,
Ile build an Almes-house for decay'd wits.
Sir Greg.
Ile entertaine one in my life time; Schollar,
you shall be my Chaplaine, I have the gift of twenty Benefices,
simple as I am here.
Pris.
Thankes my great Patron.
Cun.
Sir, your Gentry and your name shall both be
rais'd as high as my fortunes can reach 'em, for your friends sake.
Witty.
Something will be in my present power, the future more,
You shall share with me.
Ruin. and VVife.
Thankes worthy Gentlemen.
Neece.
Sir, I would beg one thing of you?
Sir Greg.
You can beg nothing of me.
Witty.
Oh Sir, if she begs, there's your power over her.
Sir Greg.
She has begg'd me for a foole already, but 'tis no matter,
I have begg'd her for a Lady that she might have been,
That's one for another.
Witty.
Nay, but if she beg—
Sir Greg.
Let her beg agen then.
Nee.
That your man Pompeyes Coat may come over his
eares backe agen, I would not he should be lost for my sake.
Sir Greg.
Well, 'tis granted, for mine owne sake.
Mirab.
Ile entreat it Sir.
Sir Greg.
Why then 'tis granted for your sake.
O. K.
Come, come, downe with all weapons now, 'tis Musicke time,
So it be purchas'd at an easie rate;
Some have receiv'd the knocks, some given the hits,
And all concludes in love, there's happy wits.
Exeunt
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