 | The Mad Lover |  |
1
Actus primus.
Scæna prima.
Flourish. Enter Astorax King of Paphos, his Sister Calis, traine, and Cleanthe, Lucippe Gentlewomen at one doore; At the other Eumenes a Souldier.Eumen.
Health to my Soveraigne.
King.
Eumenes, welcome:
Welcome to Paphos souldier to our love,
And that faire health ye wish us through the Campe
May it disperse it selfe, and make all happy;
How does the Generall, the valiant Memnon,
And how his wars, Eumenes?
Eume.
The Gods have giv'n you (royall Sir) a Souldier
Better ne're sought a danger, more approv'd
In way of war, more master of his fortunes,
Expert in leading 'em; in doing valiant,
In following all his deeds to Victories,
And holding fortune certaine there.
King.
O Souldier,
Thou speak'st a man indeed; a Generall Generall,
A soule conceiv'd a Souldier.
Eumen.
Ten set Battells
Against the strong usurper Diocles
Whom long experience had begot a Leader
Ambition rais'd too mighty: hath your Memnon
Won, and won gloriously, distrest and shooke him
Even from the head of all his hopes to nothing:
In three he beat the thunder-bolt his brother
Forc'd him to wall himselfe up: there not safe,
Shooke him with warlike Engines like an earthquake,
Till like a snaile he left his shell and crawl'd
By night, and hidious darknesse to destruction:
Disarm'd for ever rising more; twelve Castles,
Some though impregnable; Townes twice as many
Countries that like the wind knew no command
But savage wildnesse; hath this Generall
With losse of blood & youth, through storms & tempests
Cal'd to your faire obedience.
Drum within.
King.
O my Souldier
That thou wert now within my arms; what drums—
Drum
Are those that beat Eumenes?
Eumen.
His my Soveraigne;
Himselfe i'th' head of conquest drawing home,
An old man now to offer up his glories,
And endlesse conquest at your shrine.
King.
Goe all,
And entertaine him with all Ceremonie,
Wee'le keep him now a Courtier.
Eumen.
Sir, a strange one,
Pray God his language beare it; by my life, Sir
He knowes no complement, nor curious casting
Of words into fit places ere he speak 'em,
He can say fight well fellow, and i'le thanke thee:
He that must eat, must sweat; bring up the reare there.
Or charge that wing of horse home.
Florish.
King.
Goe too, goe too.
Ent. Memnon and a traine of Courtiers & souldiers, two Captains, Chilax.
Valiant and wise are twins Sir: welcome, welcome,
Welcome my fortunate and famous Generall,
High in thy Princes favour as in fame,
Welcome to Peace and Paphos.
Mem.
Thanke your Grace,
And would to God my dull tongue had that sweetnesse
To thanke you as I should; but pardon me,
My sword and I speake roughly Sir: your battells
I dare well say, I have fought well; for I bring ye
That lazie end you wish for Peace, so fully,
That no more name of war is: who now thinkes
Sooner or safer these might have bin ended.
Begin 'em lf ye dare againe; I'le thanke him.
Souldier and Souldiers Mate these twenty five yeares,
At length your Generall, (as one whose merit
Durst looke upon no lesse,) I have waded through
Dangers would damp't these soft soules, but to heare of
The maidenheads of thousand lives hangs here Sir,
Since which time, Prince, I know no Court but Marshall,
No oylie language, but the shock of Armes,
No dalliance but with death; No lofty measures
But weary and sad marches, cold and hunger,
Larums at midnight, Valours selfe would shake at,
Yet I ne're shrunke. Balls of consuming Wildfire,
That lickt men up like lightning, have I laught at,
And tost 'em back againe like childrens trifles
Upon the edges of my Enemies swords
I have marcht like whirle-windes, fury at this hand waiting,
Death at my right; Fortune my forlorne hope,
When I have grapled with destruction,
And tug'd with pale fac'd Ruine, Night and Mischiefe,
Frighted to see a new day breake in bloud,
And every where I conquer'd; and for you sir,
Mothers have wanted wombes to make me famous.
And blowne ambition dangers; Those that griev'd ye,
I have taken order for i'th' earth: those fooles
That shall hereafter.
K.
No more wars my souldier:
K. takes Mem. aside and talkes with him.
We must now treat of peace sir.
Clean.
How he talkes,
How gloriously.
Cal.
A goodly timber'd fellow,
Valiant no doubt.
Cle.
If valour dwell in vaunting;
In what a phrase he speakes as if his actions
Could be set of in nothing but a noise,
Sure has a drum in's mouth.
Cal.
I wonder wenches
How he would speake to us.
Clean.
Nothing but larum
Tell us whose throat he cut, shew us his sword,
And blesse it for sure biting.
Lucippe.
And't like your Grace,
I doe not thinke he knowes us what we are,
Or to what end; for I have heard his followers
Affirme he never saw a woman that exceeded
2
Old bedrid Beldames without teeth or tongues,
That would not flie his furie? how he lookes.
Clean.
This way devoutly.
Cal.
Sure his Lordship's viewing
Our Fortifications.
Lucip.
If he mount at me,
I may chance choake his Battery.
Cal.
Still his eye
Keeps quarter this way: Uenus grant his valour
Be not in love.
Clean.
If he be, presently
Expect a Herrald and a Trompet with ye
To bid ye render; we two Perdu's pay for't else.
King.
I'le leave ye to my sister, and these Ladies
To make your welcome fuller: my good souldier
We must now turne your sternnesse into Courtship
When ye have done there; to your fair repose sir:
Florish.
I know you need it Memnon, welcome gentlemen.
Ex. Ki.
Luci.
Now he begins to march: Madam the Van's yours,
Keep your ground sure; 'tis for your spurrs.
Mem.
O Venus.
He kneeles amaz'd and forgets to speake.
Cal.
How he stares on me.
Clean.
Knight him Madam, knight him
He will grow tooth' ground els.
Eumenes.
Speake sir, 'tis the Princesse.
1 Capt.
Ye shame your selfe, speake to her
Cal.
Rise and speake sir.
Ye are welcome to the Court, to me, to all sir,
Lucip.
Is he not deafe?
Cal.
The Gentleman's not well.
Eumen.
Fie noble Generall.
Lucip.
Give him fresh aire his colour goes, how do ye?
The Princesse will be glad sir.
Mem.
Peace, and heare me.
Clean.
Command a silence there.
Mem.
I love thee Lady.
Cal.
I thank your Lordship heartily: proceed sir.
Lucip.
Lord how it stuck in's stomack like a surfet.
Clean.
It breaks apace now from him, God be thanked,
What a fine spoken man he is.
Lucip.
A choice one of singular variety in carriage.
Clean.
Yes and I warrant you he knows his distance.
Mem.
With all my heart I love thee.
Cal.
A hearty gentleman,
And I were eene an arrand beast, my Lord,
But I lov'd you againe.
Mem.
Good Lady kisse me.
Clean.
I marry, Mars, there thou cam'st close up to her.
Cal.
Kiss you at first my Lord, 'tis no faire fashion,
Our lips are like Rose buds, blowne with mens breaths,
They loose both sap and savour; there's my hand sir.
Eumen.
Fie, fie, my Lord, this is too rude.
Mem.
Unhand me,
Consume me if I hurt her; good sweet Lady
Let me but looke upon thee.
Cal.
Doe.
Mem.
Yet.
Cal.
Well sir.
Take your full view.
Lucip.
Blesse your eyes sir.
Cal.
Mercie,
Is this the man they talkt of for a souldier,
So absolute and Excellent: O the Gods,
If I were given to that vanitie
Of making sport with men for ignorance,
What a most precious subject had I purchas'd?
Speake for him gentlemen: some one that knowes,
What the man ailes; and can speake sense.
Clean.
Sure Madam,
This fellow has been a rare Hare finder
See how his eyes are set.
Cal.
Some one goe with me,
I'le send him something, for his head, poore gentleman,
Is troubled with the staggers.
Lucip.
Keep him darke,
He will run March mad else, the fumes of Battell's
Ascend into his braines,
Clean.
Clap to his feet
An old Drum head, to draw the thunder downward.
Cal.
Look to him gentlemen: farwell, Lord I am sorry
We cannot kisse at this time, but believe it
Wee'le find an houre for all: God keep my children,
From being such sweet Souldiers; Softly wenches,
Lest we disturbe his dreame.
Exit Calis & Ladies.
Eumen.
Why this is Monstrous.
1 Capt.
A strange forgetfulnesse, yet still he holds it.
2 Capt.
Though he ne're saw a woman of great fashion
Before this day, yet my thinks 'tis possible
He might imagine what they are, and what
Belongs unto 'em; meere report of others.
Eumen.
Pish, his head had other whimsies in't: my Lord,
Death I think y'are strook dumb; my good Lord Generall
1 Capt.
Sir.
Mem.
That I doe love ye Madam; and so love ye
An't like your grace.
2 Cap.
He has bin studying this speech.
Eumen.
Who doe ye speake to sir.
Mem.
Why where's the Lady
The woman, the faire woman.
1 Cap.
Who?
Mem.
The Princesse,
Give me the Princesse.
Eumen.
Give yee counsell rather
To use her like a Princesse: Fy my Lord,
How have you borne your selfe, how nakedly
Laid your soule open: and your ignorance
To be a sport to all; report and honour:
Drew her to doe you favours, and you bluntly,
Without consideration what, or how she was
Neither collecting reason, nor distinction.
Mem.
Why, what did I my masters?
Eumen.
All that shewes
A man unhandsome, undigested done.
Mem.
Did not I kneele unto her?
Eumen.
Dumbe and senslesse,
As though ye had bin cut out for your fathers tombe,
Or stuck a land-marke; when she spoke unto you,
Being the excellence of all our Island,
Ye star'd upon her, as ye had seene a monster
Mem.
Was I so foolish; I confesse Eumenes,
I never saw before so brave an outside
But did I kneele so long
Eumen.
Till they laught at ye,
And when you spoke, I am asham'd to tell ye
What 'twas my Lord; how farre from order;
Blesse me, is't possible the wild noise of a warre
And what she only teaches should possesse ye,
Knowledge to treat with her, and full discretion
Being at flood still in ye, and in peace,
And manly conversation smooth and civill,
Where gracefulnesse and glory twyn together
3
Doe you know sir, what state she carries?
What great obedience waits at her backe continually?
Mem.
She ne're commanded
A hundred thousand men, as I have done,
Nor ne're won battell; Say I would have kist her.
Eume.
There was a dainty offer too, a rare one.
Mem.
Why, she is a woman, is she not?
Eume.
She is so.
Mem.
Why, very well; what was she made for then?
Is she not young and handsome bred to breed?
Doe not men kisse faire women? if they doe,
If lips be not unlawfull ware; Why a Princesse
Is got the same way that we get a begger,
Or I am cosen'd; and the selfe-same way
Shee must be handled e're she get another,
That's rudenesse is it not?
2. Cap.
To her 'tis held so, & rudnes in that high degree.
Mem.
'Tis reason,
But I will be more punctuall; pray what thought she?
Eum.
Her thoughts were mercifull, but she laught at ye,
Pittying the poorenesse of your complement,
And so she left ye, good sir shape your selfe
To understand the place, and noble persons
You live with now.
1. Cap.
Let not those great deserts
The King hath layd up of ye, and the people,
Be blasted with ill bearing.
Eume.
The whole name of souldier, then will suffer.
Mem.
Shee's a sweet one,
And good sirs leave your exhortations
They come untimely to me, I have braines
That beate above your reaches: Shee's a Princesse,
That's all: I have killed a King, that's greater.
Come let's to dinner, if the Wine be good,
You shall perceive strange wisdome in my blood.
Exeunt all but Chilax.
Chil.
Well, would thou wert i'the wars again
Old Memnon, there thou wouldst talke toth' purpose,
And the proudest of all these Court Camelions
Would be glad to find it sense too: plague of this
Dead peace, this bastard breeding lowzie lazie idlenesse,
Now we must learne to pipe, and pick our livings
Out of old rotten ends: these twenty five yeares
I have serv'd my Countrie, lost my youth and bloud,
Expos'd my life to dangers more then dayes.
Yet let me tell my wants, I know their answers,
The King is bound to right me, they good people
Have but from hand to mouth, looke to your wives
Your yong trim wives, your high-day wives your march-paines,
For if the souldiers find not recompence,
As yet there's none a hatching; I beleeve
You men of wars, the men of wars will nick ye,
For sterve nor beg they must not, my small meanes
Are gone in fumo: here to raise a better
Unlesse it be with lying, or dog flattering,
At which our Nations excellent; observing dog-dayes,
When this good Lady broyles, and would be basted
By that good Lord or such like morall learnings,
Is here impossible; Well, I will rub among 'em
If any thing for honestie be gotten,
Thou't be but bread and cheese I can be satisfied,
If otherwise the wind blow, stiffe as I am
Yet I shall learne to shuffle: There's an old Lasse
That shall be namelesse yet alive, my last hope,
Has often got me my pocket full of crownes
If all faile, Jack-Dawes, are you alive still?
Then I see the coast cleare, when fooles and boyes can prosper.
Enter Foole and Page.
Pag.
Brave Lievtenant
Foole.
Haile to the man of worship.
Chi.
You are fine sirs,
Most passing fine at all points.
Fool.
As ye see sir,
Home-bred and handsome, we cut not out our clothes sir
At halfe sword as your Taylors doe, and pinck 'em
With Pikes and Partizans, we live retir'd sir
Gentlemen like, and jealous of our honours.
Chi.
Very fine Foole, and fine Boy, Peace playes with you
As the wind playes with feathers, dances ye
You grind with all gusts gallants.
Page.
We can bounce sir,
When you Soldados bend i'th' hams, and frisk too.
Fool.
When twenty of your trip-coats turn their tippets,
And your cold sallets without salt or vineger
By wambling in your stomacks, hemp and hobnailes
Will beare no price now, hanging and old harneis
Are like to over-run us.
Pa.
Whores and hot houses.
Foole.
Surgeons and Sirenges ring out your sance-bells.
Page.
Your Jubile, your Jubile.
Foole.
Proh Deum.
How our St. Georges will bestride the Dragons
The red and ramping Dragons.
Page.
Advanc't foole.
Foole.
But then the sting i'th' taile boy.
Page.
Tanto melior.
For so much the more danger, the more honour.
Chi.
You'r very pleasant with our occupation Gent.
Which very like amongst these fierie Serpents
May light upon a Blind-worme of your blood,
A Mother or a Sister.
Foole.
Mine's past saddle
You should be sure of her else: but say Sir Huon
Now the Drums doubbes, & the sticks turn'd bed-staves,
All the old Foxes hunted to their holes,
The Iron age return'd to Eribus,
And Honorific abilitudinit atibus
Thrust out o'th' Kingdome by the head and shoulders,
What trade doe you meane to follow.
Chi.
That's a question.
Foole.
Yes, and a learned question if ye marke it,
Consider and say on.
Chi.
Fooling as thou dost, that's the best trade I take it.
Foole.
Take it strait then
For feare your fellowes be before ye, harke ye Lievtenant
Foolings the thing, the thing worth all your fightings,
When all's done ye must foole sir.
Chi.
Well, I must then.
Foole.
But doe you know what fooling is; true fooling
The circumstances that belong unto it,
For every idle knave that showes his teeth
Wants and would live can Juggle tumble, fiddle,
Make a dog face, or can abuse his fellow,
Is not a foole at first dash, you shall find sir
Strange turnings in this trade; to foole is nothing
As fooling has bin, but to foole the faire way,
The new way, as the best men foole their friends,
For all men get by fooling meerely fooling.
Desert does nothing, valiant, wise, vertuous,
Are things that walke by without bread or breeches,
Chi.
I partly credit that.
Foole.
Fine wits, fine wits sir,
4
He could not live else in his Masters absence;
He tyes a Ladyes garters so, so, pretily,
Say his hand slip, but say so.
Chi.
Why let it slip then.
Foole.
'Tis ten to one the body shall come after,
And he that workes deserves his wages.
Chi.
That's true.
Foole.
Hee riddles finely to a Waiting Gentlewoman
Expounds dreames like a Prophet, dreames himselfe too,
And wishes all dreames true; they cry Amen,
And there's a Memorandum: he can sing too
Bawdy enough to please old Ladies: he lies rarely,
Pawnes ye a sute of clothes at all points, fully,
Can pick a pocket if ye please, or casket;
Lisps when he lists to catch a Chambermaid,
And calls his Hostesse mother, these are things now,
If a man meane to live, to fight and swagger,
Beaten about the Eares with bawling sheepskins,
Cut to the soule for Summer: here an arme lost,
And there a leg; his honourable head
Seal'd up in salves and searclothes, like a packet,
And so sent over to an Hospitall, stand there, charge there,
Sweare there, whore there, dead there,
And all this sport for cheese, and chines of dog-flesh,
And money when two wednesdayes meet together,
Where to be lowzie is a Gentleman,
And he that weares a cleane shirt has his
Shrowd on.
Chi.
I'le be your scholler, come if I like fooling.
Foole.
You cannot choose but like it, fight you one day
I'le foole another, when your Surgeons paid,
And all your leakes stopt, see whose slops are heaviest,
I'le have a shilling for a can of wine,
When you shall have two Sergeants for a counter.
Boy.
Come learn of us Lievtenant, hang your Iron up,
Wee'le find you cooler warrs.
Chi.
Come let's together,
I'le see your tricks, and as I like 'em.—
Exeunt.
Enter Memnon Eumenes and Captaines.
Mem.
Why was there not such women in the camp then
Prepar'd to make me know 'em.
Eum.
'Twas no place sir.
1. Capt.
Why should they live in Tumults: they are creatures
Soft and of sober natures.
Mem.
Cou'd not your wives,
Your mothers, or your sisters have been sent for
To exercise upon.
Eume.
We thanke your Lordship.
2. Cap.
But doe you meane?
Mem.
I doe meane.
2 Cap.
What sir?
Mem.
To see her,
And see thee hang'd too, and thou anger'st me,
And thousands of your throats cut, get ye from me
Ye keepe a prating of your points of manners,
And fill my head with lowzie circumstances,
Better have Ballets in't, your courtly worships,
How to put off my hat, you how to turne me,
And you forsooth to blow my nose discreetly;
Let me alone, for I will love her, see her,
Talke to her, and mine owne way.
Eume.
Shee's the Princesse.
Mem.
Why let her be the devill, I have spoke,
When Thunder durst not check me, I must love,
I know she was a thing kept for me.
Eume.
And I know sir,
Though she were born yours, yet your strange behaviour
And want.
Mem.
Thou liest.
Eum.
I doe not.
Mem.
Ha!
Eume.
I doe not lye sir,
I say you want faire language, nay 'tis certaine
You cannot say good morrow.
Mem.
Ye Dog-whelpes,
The proudest of your prating tongues.
Eume.
Doe kill us,
Kill us for telling truth, for my part Generall
I would not live to see men make a may-game
Of him I have made a Master, kill us quickly,
Then ye may.
Mem.
What?
Eume.
Doe what you list, draw your sword childishly
Upon your servants that are bound to tell ye
I am weary of my life.
1 Capt.
And I.
2 Capt.
And all sir.
Eume.
Goe to the Princesse make her sport, cry to her
I am the glorious man of warre.
Mem.
Pray ye leave me,
I am sorry I was angry, I'le thinke better,
Pray no more words.
Eume.
Good sir.
Mem.
Nay then.
2 Capt.
We are gone sir.
Exeunt Eume. & Captains.
Ent. Princess Culist. Lucippe, Cleanthe.
Calis.
How came he hither, see for heavens sake wenches,
What faces, and what postures he puts on,
Mem. walks aside full of strange gestures.
I doe not thinke he is perfect.
Cle.
If your love
Have not betrayd his little wits, he's well enough,
As well as he will be.
Cal.
Marke how he Muses.
Lucip.
Has a Battalia now in's braines, he draws out now
Have at ye Harpers.
Cle.
See, see, there the sire failes.
Lucip.
Look what an Alphabet of faces he runs through,
Cle.
O love, loue, how amorously thou look'st
In an old rusty armour.
Cal.
I'le away, for by my troth I feare him.
Lucip.
Feare the gods Madam,
And never care what man can doe, this fellow
Withall his frights about him and his furies,
His larums and his Launces, Swords and Targets,
Nay case him up in armour Cap-a-pe,
Yet durst I undertake within two houres,
If he durst charge to give him such a shake
Should shake his valour off, and make his shankes too
Cle.
For shame no more.
Calis.
Hee muses still.
Cle.
The Devill.
Why should this old dried timber chopt with thunder.
Cal.
Old wood burnes quickest.
Lucip.
Out you would say Madam.
Give me a green stick that may hold me heat
And smoke me soundly too: a turnes, and sees ye.
Cle.
There's no avoiding now, have at ye.
Memnon comes to her.
Mem.
Lady,
The more I looke upon ye.
Stays her.
Cle.
The more you may sir.
Cal.
Let him alone.
5
I would desire your patience
The more I say I looke, the more
Stays her.
Lucip.
My Fortune
'Tis very apt Sir
Mem.
Women let my fortune
And me alone I wish ye, pray come this way
And stand you still there Ladie
Cal.
Leave the words Sir, and leap into the meaning
Mem.
Then againe.
I tell you I doe love ye
Cal.
Why
Mem.
No questions: pray no more questions.
I doe love you, Infinitely, why doe you smile.
Am I ridiculous
Cal.
I am monstrous fearefull, no I joye you love me
Mem.
Joye on then and be proud on't, I doe love ye,
Stand still doe not trouble me you Women.
He loves you Ladie at whose feere has kneeld
Princes to beg their freedomes, he whose valour
Has over run whole Kingdomes
Cal.
That makes me doubt Sir
'Twill over run me to
Mem.
He whose Sword
Cle.
Talke not so big Sir, you will fright the Princesse.
Mem.
Ha.
Lucip.
No forsooth
Cal.
I know ye have done wonders.
Mem.
I have and will doe more and greater, braver.
And for your beautie miracles, name that kingdome
And talke your choice:
Cal.
Sir I am not ambitious
Mem.
Ye shalbe, 'tis the child of glory: she that I love
Whom my desires shall magnifie time stories
And all the Empire of the Earth:
Cle.
I would faine aske him.
Lucip.
Prethee be quiet, be will beate us both els.
Cle.
What will ye make me then Sir
Mem.
I will make thee
Stand still and hold thy peace, I have a heart Ladie
Cal.
Ye were a monster els
Mem.
A loving heart
A truly loving heart:
Cal.
Alas how came it
Mem.
I would you had it in your hand sweet Ladie
To see the truth it beares ye:
Cal.
Doe you give it.
Lucip.
That was well thought upon:
Cle.
'Twill put him too't wench;
Cal.
And you shall see I dare accept it Sir
Tak't in my hand and view it: if I finde it
A loving and a sweet heart as you call it
I am bound, I am
Mem.
No more Ile send it to ye
As I have honour in me you shall have it
Cle.
Hansomlye done Sir, and perfum'd by all meanes
The weathers warme Sir
Mem.
With all circumstance
Lucip.
A napkin wrought most curiouslie;
Mem.
Divinely
Cle.
Put in a goblet of pure gold
Mem.
Yes in Iacynth
That she may see the spirits through
Lucip.
Ye have greas'd him
For chewing love again in hast
Cle.
If he should doe it
Cal.
If Heaven should fall we should have larkes, he doe it
Cle.
See how he thinkes upon't
Cal.
He will thinke these three yeares
Ere he prove such an asse, I lik't his offer
There was no other way to put him of els.
Mem.
I will doe it
Ladie expect my heart
Cal.
I doe Sir:
Mem.
Love it and so I leave ye.
Ex. Mem.
Cle.
Either he is starke mad
Or els I thinke he meanes it
Cal.
He must be starke mad
Or he will never doe it, 'tis vaine glory
And want of judgement that provokes this in him
Sleepe and societie cures all his heart
No no good Gentleman ther's more belongs too't
Hearts are at higher prizes, lets goe in
And there examine him a little better.
Shut all the doores behind for feare he follow
I hope I have lost a lover, and am glad on't.
Exit. Lady.
Finis Actus Primi.
| The Mad Lover | |