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ACTVS 2.
SCENA. 1.
One knockes: Lauerdure drawes the Curtaines sitting on his bed apparalling himselfe, his trunke of apparaile standing by him.Laue.
Ho Bydett Lackey.
Byd.
Sinior?
Enter Bydett with Water and a Towell.
Laue.
See who knocks, looke you boy, peruse their habits, returne
perfect notice, la la ly ro.
Exit Bid. & returnes presently.
Byd.
Quadratus.
Lau.
Quadratus, mordieu, ma vie: I lay not at my lodging to
night, Ile not see him now on my soule, hee's in his old Perpetuana
sute, I am not within.
Byd.
He is faire, gallant, rich, neate as a Bride-groome, fresh
as a new-minted six-pence, with him Lampatho Doria, Symplicius
Faber.
And in good cloathes.
Byd.
Accoutred worthy a presence.
Lau.
Vdes so: my gold wrought Wast-coate and Night-cap
open my Trunck, lay my richest sute on the top, my Veluet slippers,
cloth of gold gamashes, where are my cloth of siluer hose,
lay them.—
Bydet.
At pawne sir.
Lau.
No sir, I do not bid you lay them at pawne Sir.
Byd.
No sir, you need not for they are there already.
Lau.
Mor du garzone: set my richest Gloues, Garters, Hatts,
iust in the way of their eyes, so let them in, obserue mee withall
dutious respect, let them in.
Enter Quadratus, Lampatho Doria and Simplicius Faber.
Qua.
Phœbus, Phœbe, Sunne, Moone, and seauen Starres make
thee the dilling of Fortune, my sweet Lauerdure, my rich French
bloud, ha yee deere rogue, hast any pudding Tobacco?
Lam.
God morrow Sinior.
Sim.
Mounsieur Lauerdure, do you see that Gentleman, hee
goes but in black Sattin as you see, but by Hellicon hee hath a
cloth of Tissue wit, hee breakes a iest, ha, heele raile against the
Courttil the gallants—O God he is very Nectar, if you but sip
of his loue, you were immortall, I must needes make you
knowne to him: Ile induce your loue with deere regarde. Sinior
Lampatho heer's is a French Gentleman Mounsieur Lauerdure
a Traueller, a beloued of heauen, courts your acquaintance.
Lam.
Sir I protest I not onely take distinct notice of your deere
rarities of exterior presence, but also I protest I am most vehemently
inamor'd, and very passionately doate on your inwatd
adornements and habilities of spirit, I protest I shall be proud to
doe you most obsequious vassalage.
Qua.
Is not this rare now: now by Gorgons head,
I gape and am struck stiffe in wonderment,
At sight of these strange beasts. You Chamblet youth,
Symplicius Faber that Hermophrodite,
Party par pale, that bastard Moungerell soule,
Is nought but admiration and applause,
Deuote to mouldy customes of hoard eld,
Doth he but speake, O tones of heauen it selfe,
Doth he once write, O Iesu admirable
Cryes out Symplicius: then Lampatho spittes,
And sayes faith 'tis good. But O to marke yon thing
Sweate to vnite acquaintance to his friend,
Labour his praises and indeere his worth
With titles all as formally trickt forth,
As the Cap of a Dedicatorie Epistle,
Then sir to view Lampatho, he protests,
Protests and vowes, such suddeine heate of loue,
That O twere warmth inough of mirth to drie,
The stintlesse teares of old Heraclitus
Make Nysbe to laugh.
Lam.
I protest I shall bee proud to giue you proofe, I hold a
most religious affiance with your loue.
Lau.
Nay gentle Sinior:
Lam.
Let mee not liue els, I protest I will straine my vtmost
sineus, in strengthning your pretious estimate, I protest, I will do
all rights in all good offices that friendship can touch, or amplest
vertue deserue.
Qua.
I protest beleeue him not, Ile beg thee Lauerdure
For a conceal'd Ideot if thou credit him,
Hee's a Hyena, and with Ciuitt scent
Of perfum'd words, drawes to make a prey
For laughter of thy credit. O this hote crackling loue
That blaseth on an instant, flames me out
On the least puffe of kindnesse, with protest, protest,
Catzo I dread these hotte protests, that presse
Come on so fast, no, no, away, away,
You are a common friend or will betray.
Let me clip amity, that's got with sute,
I hate this whorish loue that's prostitute.
Lau.
Horne on my Tailor, could he not bring home,
My Sattin Taffeta, or Tissue sute:
But I must needs bee cloath'd in Wollen thus.
Bydett, what sayes he for my Siluer hose?
Giues he no more obseruance to my body.
Lam.
O in that last sute gentle Lauerdure,
Visite my lodging: by Appollos front
Do but inquire my name; O straight theile say
Lampatho sutes him-selfe in such a hose.
Sim.
Marke that Quadratus.
Lam.
Consorts him-selfe with such a doublet.
Sim.
Good, good, good, O Iesu admirable.
Lau.
La la ly ro Sir.
Lam.
O Pallas! Quadratus, harke, harke, a most compleat
phantasma, a most ridiculous humor, pree-thee shoote him
through and through with a iest, make him lye by the lee, thou
Basilisco of witte.
Sim.
O Iesu, admirably well spoken, Angelicall tongue.
Qua.
Gnathonicall Coxcombe,
Lam.
Nay pre-thee, fut feare not he's no edge toole, you may
iest with him.
Sim.
No edge-toole, oh!
Qua.
Tones of heauen it selfe.
Sim.
Tones of heauen it selfe.
Qua.
By blessednesse I thought so.
Lam.
Nay when, when?
Qua.
Why thou Pole-head, thou Ianus, thou poultron, thou
protest, thou Eare-wig that wrigglest into mens braines: thou
durty cur that be-mierst with thy fawning, thou—
Lam.
Obscure me, or—
Qua.
Synior Lauerdure, by the hart of an honest man, this Iebusite,
this confusion to him, this worse then I dare to name, abuseth
thee most incomprehensibly; is this your protest of most
obsequious vassalage, protest to straine your vtmost summe,
your most—
Lam.
So Phœbus warme my braine, Ile rime thee dead,
Looke for the Satyre, if all the sower iuice
Of a tart braine, can sowse thy estimate,
Ile pickle thee.
Qua.
Ha he mount Chirall on the wings of fame.
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,
Sing, sing, or stay weele quasse or any thing
Riuo Saint Marke, lets talke as losse as ayre
Vn-wind youthes coullors, display our selues
So that you enuy-starued Curre may yealpe
And spend his chappes at our Phantasticknesse.
Sym.
O Lord Quadratus.
Qua.
Away Idolater, why you Don Kynsayder
Thou Canker eaten rusty curre, thou snaffle
To freer spirits.
Think'st thou a libetine, am vngiu'd breast
Skornes not the shacklesse of thy enuious clogges
You will traduce vs vnto publicke skorne.
Lam.
By this hand I will.
Qua.
A fuotra for thy hand, thy heart, thy braine,
Thy hate, thy malice, Enuie, grinning spight
Shall a free-borne that holdes Autypathy.
Lam.
Antypathy.
Qua.
I Antypathy.
A natiue hate vnto the curse of man, bare-pated seruitude,
Quake at the frownes of a ragg'd Satyrist
A skrubbing railer whose course harden'd fortune
Grating his hide, gauling his starued ribs
Sittes houling at Deserts more battle fate
Who out of dungeon of his black Dispairs
Skoules at the fortune of the fairer Merit.
Lau.
Tut Via let all runne glib and square.
Qua.
Vds futt hee cogges and cheates your simpler thoughtes,
My spleen's a fire in the heate of hate
I beare these gnats that humme aboute our eares,
And stinge blister our credit's in obscured shades.
Lau.
Pewte bougra la, la, la, titt shaugh
Shall I forbeare to caper, sing, or vault
To weare fresh cloathes or weare perfum'd sweetes
To trick my face, or glory in my fate,
T' abandon naturall propensitudes
My fancies humor, for a stiffe ioynted,
Qua.
Now by thy Ladies cheeke I honor thee
My rich free-bloud, O my deere libertine
I could suck the iuice, the sirrop of thy lippe,
For thy most generous thought. My Elysium.
Lam.
O Sir you are so square you skorne repoofe.
Qua.
No sir should discreete Mastigophoros
Or the deere spirit a cute Canaidus
(That Aretine; that most of me belou'd
Who in the rich esteeme I prize his soule
I terme my selfe) should these once menace me
Or curbe, my humors with well gouern'd check
I should with most industrious regard,
Obserue abstaine, and curbe my skipping lightnesse
But when an arrogant od impudent,
A blushles fore-head only out of scence.
Of his owne wants, baules in malignant questing
At others meanes of wauing gallantry
Pipht foutra.
Lam.
I raile at none you well squar'd Syneor.
Qua.
I can not tell, tis now growne fashion,
Whats out of railyng's out of fashion:
A man can skarce put on a tuckt vp cap
A button'd frizado sute, skarce eate good meate,
Anchoues, cauiare, but hee's Satyred
And term'd Phantasticall: by the muddy spawne
Of slymie Neughtes, when troth, Phantasticknesse,
That which the naturall Sophysters tearme
Phantusia incomplexa, is a function
Euen of the bright immortal part of man.
It is the common passe, the sacred dore,
Vnto the priue chamber of the soule
That bar'd nought passeth past the baser Court:
Of outward scence by it th'inamorate,
Most liuely thinkes he sees the absent beauties
Of his lou'd mistres.
By it we shape a new creation,
Of things as yet vnborne, by it wee feede:
Slid he thats not Phantasticall's a beast.
Lam.
Most Phantasticall protection of Phantasticknesse.
Lau.
Faith tis good.
Qua.
So 't be phantastical tis wits life bloud.
Lau.
Come Sinior my legges are girt.
Qua.
Phantastically.
Lau.
After a spetiall humor a new cut.
Qua.
Why then tis, rare, tis excellent vds fut
And I were to be hangd I would bee chokt
Phantastically he can skarce be sau'd
Thats not phantasticall, I stand ferme to it.
La.
Nay then sweete sir giue reason, come on, when.
Qua.
Tis hell to runne in common base of men.
Lau.
Hast not runne thy selfe out of breath bulley.
Qua.
And I haue not iaded thy eares more then I haue tierd
my tongue, I could runne discourse, put him out of his
full pace.
I dread a glut, and I confesse much loue
To freer gentry whose pert agill spirits
Is t'o much frost-bit numb'd with il straind snibbes
Hath tender-reach'd my speech. By Brutus bloud
He is a turfe that will be slaue to man.
But he's a beast that dreades his mistresse fanne.
Lau.
Come all merth and solace, capers, healthes and whiffes
To morrow are my nuptialls celebrate:
All friends all friends.
Lam.
I protest—
Qua.
Nay leaue protestes, pluck out your snarling phanges.
When thou hast meanes be Phantasticall and sociable; goe to,
heres my hand and you want fortie shillings I am your Mæcenas
though not Atauis Edite regibus.
Lam.
Why content and I protest—
Qua.
Ile no protest.
Lam.
Well and I doe not leaue these fopperies doe not lend
me fortie shillings, & ther's my hand, I imbrace you, loue you,
nay adore thee, for by the iuice of worm-woode, thou hast a
Qu.
You Simplicius? woult leaue that staring fellow Admiratiō,
and Adoration of thy acquaintance wilt. A skorne out tis odious,
too eager a defence argues a strong opposition, & to vehement
a praise, drawes a suspition of others worthy disparigement.
Good wines can vent themselues, and not good wittes.
Sym.
Good truth I loue you, and with the grace of Heauen,
Ile be very ciuell and—
Qua.
Phantasticall.
Sym.
Ile be some thing, I haue a conceald humore in me and
twere broachd twold spurty faith.
Qu.
Come then Saint Marke lett's be as light as aire
As fresh and iocond as the brest of May:
I pree thee good French knight good plump cheekt chub
Runne some French passage, come lets see thy vaine,
Daunces, sceanes, and songs, royall intertaine.
Lau.
Petite lacque page, page, Bydet sing
Giue it the French ierk, quick spart, lightly, ha,
Ha hers a turne vnto my Lucea.
Qua.
Stand stiffe ho stand, take footing firme stand sure
For if thou fall before thy mistres
Thy man-hod's dam'd; stand firme—ho good, so, so.
The Daunce and Song.
Lau.
Come now via aloune to Celia.
Qua.
Stay take an old rime first though dry and leane
Twill serue to close the stomake of the Sceane.
Lan.
This is thy humor to berime vs still,
Neuer so slightly pleas'd but out they flie.
Qua.
They are mine owne, no gleaned Poetry,
My fashions knowne, out rime takt as you list:
A fico, for the sower browd Zoilist.
The tide of Sorrow backward keepe.
Riuo drinke deepe giue care the mate,
On vs the end of time is come,
Fond feare of that we cannot shun,
Whilst quickest sence doth freshly last,
Clip time aboute, hug pleasure fast.
The Sisters rauell out our twine,
He that knows littl's most deuine.
Error deludes; whole beate this hence,
Naughtes knowne but by exterior sence,
Let glory blason others deede,
My bloud then breath craues better meede,
Let twattling fame cheatd others rest,
I am no dish for Rumors feast.
Let honor others hope abuse,
Ile nothing haue so nought will loose:
Ile striue to be nor great nor smale,
To liue nor die, fate helmeth all,
When I can breath no longer then,
Heauen take all, there put Amen.
Lau.
Faith so, so, telamant, quelamant, as't please Oppinion to currant it.
Qua.
Why then via letts walke,
Lau.
I must giue notice to an od pedant as wee passe of my
nuptials, I vse him for he is abscure and shal marry vs in priuate,
I haue many enemies but secresie is the best euasion from enuie.
Qua.
Holds it to morrow?
Lau.
I firme absolute,
Lam.
Ile say amen if the Priest be mute.
Qua.
Epythalamiums will I singe my chucke,
Go on, spend freely, out on drosse tis muck.
Exeunt
All.
Salue Magister.
Ped.
Saluete pueri estote salui, vos saluere exopto vobis salutem,
Batte my fili, fili mi Batte.
Bat.
Quid vis.
Ped.
Stand forth repeat your lesson with out booke.
Bat.
A nowne is the name of a thing that may be seene felt
heard or vnderstood.
Ped.
Good boy, on on,
Bat.
Of nownes some bee substantiues and some bee substantiues.
Ped.
Adiectiues.
Bat.
Adiectiues, a nowne substantiue ether is propper to the
thing that it betokneth.
Ped.
Well to numbers.
Battus.
In Nownes bee two numbers, the Singuler and
the Plurall, the Singuler number speaketh of one as Lapis a
Stone, the Plurall speaketh of more then one, as Lapides
stones.
Ped.
Good childe, now thou art past Lapides Stones, proceed
to the cases Nous, say you next Nous, wher's your lesson
Nous.
Nous,
I am in a verbe forsooth.
Ped.
Say on for sooth say say.
Nous.
A verbe is a part of speach declined with mood and
tence and betokneth doing as Amo I loue,
Ped.
How many kind of verbes ar there?
Nous.
2. Personall and impersonall,
Ped.
Of verbs personalls, how many kinds.
Nou.
Fiue, Actiue Passiue Neuter Deponent and Common.
A Verbe Actiue endeth in O and beetokneth to doe as
Amo I loue and by putting to R it may bee a passiue as Amor I
am loued.
Very good child, now learne to know the Deponent and
common: Say you slip.
Slip.
Cedant arma togæ, concedant lauria linguæ.
Ped.
What part of speach is lingua, inflecte, inflecte.
Slip.
Singulariter, nominatiuo Hec lingua.
Ped.
Why is lingua the Feminine gender?
Slip.
Forsooth because it is the Femenine gender.
Ped.
Ha thou Asse, thou Dolt, Idem per idem, marke it: lingua
is declined with Hec the Femenine, because it is a houshold
stuffe perticularly belonging, and most commonly resident vnder
the roofe of Womens mouthes. Come on you Nathaniell
say you, say you next, not too fast, say tretably, say.
Nath.
Mascula dicuntur Monosilaba nomina quedam.
Ped.
Faster, faster.
Nath.
Vt, sal, sol, ren & splen: car, ser, vir, vas, vadis, as, mas,
Bes, cres, pres & pes, glis, glirens habens genetiuo,
Ped.
Rup, tup, snup, slup, bor, hor, cor, mor: holla, holla, holla, you
Holifernes Pippo, put him downe, wipe your Nose: fie on your
sleeue, where's your Muckender your Grand-mother gaue you?
well say on, say on.
Hol.
Pree Maister what words this?
Ped.
Asse, Asse.
Hol.
As in presenti perfectum format in, in, in.
Ped.
In what Sir?
Hol.
Perfectum format in what Sir?
Ped.
In what Sir in avi?
Hol.
In what Sir in avi.
Vt no, nas, naui, vocito, vocitas, voci, voci, voci—
Ped.
What's next?
Hol.
Voci, What's next?
Ped.
Why thou vngratious child, thou simple animall, thou
barnacle. Nous snare him, take him vp, and you were my father
you should vp.
Hol.
Indeed I am not your Father, O Lord now for God
sake; let mee go out, my mother told a thing, I shall bewray all
els. Harke you Maister, my Grand-mother intreates you to come
to dinner to morrow morning.
I say vntrusse take him vp, Nous, dispatch what not perfect
in an Asse in presenty?
Hol.
In truth lle bee as perfect an Asse in presenty as any of
this Company, with the grace of god law, this once, this once,
and I do so any more—
Ped.
I say hold him vp.
Hol.
Ha let me say my praiers first. You know not what you
ha done now, all the surrup of my braine is runne into my buttockes
& yee spill the iuice of my wit well, ha sweete, ha sweete,
hunny barbary suger sweete Maister.
Ped.
Sance trickes trifles, delaies, demurrers procrastinations
or retarations mount him, mount him.
Enter Quadratus Lampatho Lauerdure and Simplicius.
Qua.
Be mercifull my gentle Sinior.
Lau.
Weele sue his pardon out.
Ped.
He is repriued: and now Apollo blesse your braines Facundius
and Elaborate ellegance, make your presence gratious in
the eyes of your Mistres.
Lau.
You must along with vs, lend priuate eare.
Sim.
What is your name.
Hol.
Holifernes Pippo.
Sim.
Who gaue you that name. Nay let mee alone for sposing
of a scholler.
Hol.
My godfathers and god-mothers in my baptisme.
Sim.
Truly gallants I am inamord on thee boy wilt thou
serue me.
Hol.
Yes and please my grand-mother when I come to years
of discretion.
Ped.
And you haue a propensitude to him, he shall be for you:
I was solicited to graunt him leaue to play the Lady in commedies
presented by Children, but I knew his voice was to
smale and his stature to loe, sing, sing a treble Holifernes; sing.
A very smale sweete voice Ile assure you.
Qua.
Tis smally sweete indeede.
A very pretty Child, hold vp thy head, there, buy thee some
plummes.
Qua.
Nay they must play, you go a long with vs.
Ped.
Ludendi venia est petita & concessa.
All.
Gratias.
Sym.
Pippo's my page, how like you him, ha has hee not a good
face, ha.
Lau.
Exceeding amiable; come away,
I long to see my loue my Celia.
Sym.
Carry my rapier hold vp so, good childe, stay gallants
vmph a sweete face.
Lam.
I relish not this mirth, my spirit is vntwist,
My heart is raueld out in discontents,
I am deepe thoughtfull, and I shoote my soule
Through all creation of omnipotence.
Qua.
What art melancholy Lampe. Ile feede thy humor
Ile giue thee reason straight to hang thy selfe
Mark't mark't: In heauens handiwork theirs naught
Beleeue it.
Lam.
In heauens handiwork ther's naught
None more vile, accursed, reprobate to blisse
Then man, and mong men a scholler most.
Things onely fleshly sencitiue, an Oxe or Horse,
They liue and eate, and sleepe, and drinke, and die
And are not toucht with recollections
Of things ore-past or staggerd infant doubtes
Of things succeeding: but leaue the manly beastes,
And giue but pence a peece to haue a sight:
Of beastly man now.
Sym.
What so Lampatho, good truth I will not pay your Ordinary
if you come not.
Lam.
Dost thou heare that voice. Ile make a parrat now,
As good a man as hee in foureteene nights
I neuer heard him vent a sillable:
Of his owne creating since I knew the vse
Of eyes and eares? Well he's perfect blest,
Because a perfect beast. Ile gage my heart
He knowes no difference essentiall
Is rich in ignorance makes faire vsance on't
And euery day augments his barbarisme
So loue me Calmnes I do enuy him forts,
I was a scholler: seauen vse-full springs
Did I defloure in quotations
Of crossd oppinions bout the soule of man
The more I learnt the more I learnt to doubt
Knowledge and wit faithes foes, turne fayth about
Sim.
Nay come good Sinior, I stay all the gentlemen here, I
wood faine giue my prity page a pudding pie.
Lam.
Honest Epicure.
Nay marke list delight, delight my spaniell slept, whilst I bausd leaues.
Tossd ore the dunces por'd on the old print
Of titled wordes, and stil my spaniell slept.
Whilst I wasted lampoile, bated my flesh
Shrunk vp my veines, and still my spaniel slept.
And still I held conuerse with Zabarell
Aquinas Scotus, and the musty sawe
Of antick Donate, still my spaniell slept
Still on went I, first an sit anima
Then and it were mortall, O hold hold
At that they are at braine buffets fell by the eares,
A maine pell mell togither, still my spaniell slept.
Then whether twere Corporeall, Local, fixt,
Extraduce, but whether't had free will
Or no, ho Philosophers
Stood banding factions all so strongly propt,
I staggerd, knew not which was firmer part.
But thought, quoted, reade, obseru'd and pried,
Stufft noting bookes, and still my spaniell slept.
At length he wakt and yawnd and by yon sky,
For aught I know he knew as much as I.
Sim.
Dellicat good Lampatho come away. I assure you ile giue
but two pence more.
Lam.
How, twas created, how the soule exsistes
One talkes of motes, the soule was made of motes,
An other fire, tother light, a third a spark of Star-like nature
Aristoxenus Musicke; Critias I know not what,
A company of odde phrenetici
Did eate my youth, and when I crept abroad,
Finding my numnesse in this nimble age,
I fell a railing, but now soft and slow,
I know, I know naught, but I naught do know,
What shall I doe, what plot, what course persew?
Qua.
Why turne a Temporist, row with the tide,
Pursew the cut, the fashion of the age,
Well heer's my Schollers course, first get a Schoole,
And then a ten-pound Cure, keepe both, then buy,
(Stay marry, I marry) then a farme or so,
Serue God and Mammon, to the Diuill goe,
Affect some sect, I 'tis the sect is it,
So thou canst seeme 'tis held the pretious wit:
And O if thou canst get some higher seate,
Where thou maist sell your holy portion,
(Which charitable prouidence ordained
In sacred bountie for a blessed vse)
Alien the gleabe, intaile it to thy loines,
Intombe it in thy graue
Past resurrection to his natiue vse.
Now if there be a hell, and such swine sau'd,
Heauen take all, that's all my hopes haue crau'd.
Enter Pippo.
Pip.
My Simplicias Maister.
Lam.
Your Maister Simplicius.
Pip.
Has come to you to sent.
Lam.
Has sent to me to come.
Pip.
Ha, ha, has bought me a fine dagger, and a Hatte and a
Feather, I can say As in presenti now.
Company of Boyes within.
Quadratus Quadratus, away, away.
Lam.
We come sweet gallants; and grumbling hate lye stil
And turne Phantastique: he that climbes a hill
Must wheele about, the ladder to account
Is slie dissemblance, he that meanes to mount,
Of eager sighted greatnesse, thou wouldst thriue,
The Venice state is young, loose, and vnknit,
Can rellish naught but lushious vanities
Goe fit his tooth, O glauering flatterie,
How potent art thou: front looke briske and sleeke,
That such base durt as you should dare to reeke,
In Princes nostrils. Well my sceane is long.
All within. Quadratus.
Qua.
I come hotte blouds, those that their state would swell,
Must beare a counter-face: the diuell and hell
Confound them all, that's all my prayers exact,
So ends our chat, sound Musick for the Act.
Exeunt.
| VVhat Yov VVill | |