 | The dominie's disaster |  |
TO THE VERY DROUTHY FRATERNITY OF FIFAN D*******S, THE FOLLOWING ATTEMPT TO TRANSMIT TO POSTERITY THE DIREFUL EFFECTS OF JOHNNY BARLEYCORN ON A BROTHER BIRCH IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED By their most obedient and very humble servant THE AUTHOR.
5
THE DOMINIE'S DISASTER,
A TRUE TALE.
------ Ridicule will frequently prevail,
And cut the knot when graver reasons fail.
—Francis.
And cut the knot when graver reasons fail.
—Francis.
'Twas at that darksome dreary hour,
Whan spectres start their tombs outoure,
That awfu' hour whan graves unclose,
An' grizly ghaists frae short repose
Stalk grimly thro' death's heavy portals
To tread again the haunts o' mortals;
Whan hags, that own grim Clootie's sway,
Their pranks unholy meet to play,
Joyfu' their fell assistance len'
To lead astray the sons o' men;
Ascend frae deepest pit to tease 'em,
An' soar aloft on heather besom:
That fearfu' hour had newly rung,
An' yet to distant echoes clung,
Soundit alang thro' rocky caves,
Disturb'd the spirits o' the waves,
Crack'd monuments wi' furious rattle,
An' rous'd the elements to battle,
Then 'mid the general affray
On distant echoes died away.
Whan spectres start their tombs outoure,
That awfu' hour whan graves unclose,
An' grizly ghaists frae short repose
Stalk grimly thro' death's heavy portals
To tread again the haunts o' mortals;
Whan hags, that own grim Clootie's sway,
Their pranks unholy meet to play,
Joyfu' their fell assistance len'
To lead astray the sons o' men;
Ascend frae deepest pit to tease 'em,
6
That fearfu' hour had newly rung,
An' yet to distant echoes clung,
Soundit alang thro' rocky caves,
Disturb'd the spirits o' the waves,
Crack'd monuments wi' furious rattle,
An' rous'd the elements to battle,
Then 'mid the general affray
On distant echoes died away.
Whan out o' B---n's in P---m,
(Whare stoutest Highland's kend to stream,)
Forth reelin' sallied Sponge Macroemon, a
Dottal, doited, drouthy Dominie,
An' hameward swung his swaggerin' form
Regardless o' the ragin' storm.
(Whare stoutest Highland's kend to stream,)
Forth reelin' sallied Sponge Macroemon, a
Dottal, doited, drouthy Dominie,
An' hameward swung his swaggerin' form
Regardless o' the ragin' storm.
The Ocean roar'd wi' blustrin' din,
In torrents fell the drenchin' rain,
The howlets, flightrin' through the air,
Screigh'd, as they flew, wi' fearfu' rair,
Rude Boreas roar'd thro, hollies rustlin',
An' wavin' saughs fu' dolefu' whistlin'.
Thick clouds as thro' the air they sweepit,
Thegither close an' closer creepit,
As whan around the cozy ingle
At winters e'en the neebors mingle,
To hear the tales o' maids enchantet,
O' kye bewitched, an' houses hauntet;
As ilka tale succeeds anither,
They close an' closer creep thegither.
Sae crap the clouds till a' at last
In mirky gloom were station'd fast.
In torrents fell the drenchin' rain,
7
Screigh'd, as they flew, wi' fearfu' rair,
Rude Boreas roar'd thro, hollies rustlin',
An' wavin' saughs fu' dolefu' whistlin'.
Thick clouds as thro' the air they sweepit,
Thegither close an' closer creepit,
As whan around the cozy ingle
At winters e'en the neebors mingle,
To hear the tales o' maids enchantet,
O' kye bewitched, an' houses hauntet;
As ilka tale succeeds anither,
They close an' closer creep thegither.
Sae crap the clouds till a' at last
In mirky gloom were station'd fast.
The Dominie wi' swagger saucy,
Reel'd merrily alang the causey,
While out o' mony a rotten gutter,
He routh o' filth did round him splutter;
The kirk-yard dyke his progress stoppet,
An' onward still by it he groppet,
While on the tither side the wa'
Sic unco sights he wond'rin' saw,
As drucken fouk are wont to view
Whan hameward reelin' roarin' fou;
At last he reach'd the auld kirk latch,
Whare witches keep their nightly watch,
The latch whare aften they convene,
On human race to vent their spleen,
To burn in Effigy mankind,
An' spread their ashes to the wind;
The farmer's lusty sheaves to scatter,
Bewitch the kirn, an' spoil the butter;
Forbid the mautman's ale to brew,
Destroy the milk o'cottar's cow;
Their spells o' dire import prepare,
An' gambol on the midnight air.
Reel'd merrily alang the causey,
While out o' mony a rotten gutter,
8
The kirk-yard dyke his progress stoppet,
An' onward still by it he groppet,
While on the tither side the wa'
Sic unco sights he wond'rin' saw,
As drucken fouk are wont to view
Whan hameward reelin' roarin' fou;
At last he reach'd the auld kirk latch,
Whare witches keep their nightly watch,
The latch whare aften they convene,
On human race to vent their spleen,
To burn in Effigy mankind,
An' spread their ashes to the wind;
The farmer's lusty sheaves to scatter,
Bewitch the kirn, an' spoil the butter;
Forbid the mautman's ale to brew,
Destroy the milk o'cottar's cow;
9
An' gambol on the midnight air.
Here then the Dominie arrivin',
To keep his balance vainly strivin';
The witches stood prepared to plunge
In sad perplexity poor Sponge.
The temptin' glass within his reach
They placed, but when he strove to stretch
His totterin' hand to grasp the prize
It vanish'd to his great surprise.
Syne at a distance raise again,
He still pursued but still in vain;
While the kirk latch an' rocks around it
Wi' bursts o' boundless mirth resoundet,
But ay the temptin' whisky viewin'
The Dominie still kept pursuin',
An' bursts o' mirth like roarin' thunder
Ne'er caused in him a moment's wonder;
Oure ditches stammerin' ilka minute,
The vain pursuit he still continuet.
What wonder whan the bitin' whisky
Afore him danced sae wond'rous frisky?
What wonder that the drouthy Dominie
Pursued? alas! like him there's so mony,
That tho' poor Sponge alane I draw,
They'll doubtless tak' it to them a'
To keep his balance vainly strivin';
The witches stood prepared to plunge
In sad perplexity poor Sponge.
The temptin' glass within his reach
They placed, but when he strove to stretch
His totterin' hand to grasp the prize
It vanish'd to his great surprise.
Syne at a distance raise again,
He still pursued but still in vain;
While the kirk latch an' rocks around it
Wi' bursts o' boundless mirth resoundet,
But ay the temptin' whisky viewin'
The Dominie still kept pursuin',
An' bursts o' mirth like roarin' thunder
10
Oure ditches stammerin' ilka minute,
The vain pursuit he still continuet.
What wonder whan the bitin' whisky
Afore him danced sae wond'rous frisky?
What wonder that the drouthy Dominie
Pursued? alas! like him there's so mony,
That tho' poor Sponge alane I draw,
They'll doubtless tak' it to them a'
The witches sae enjoy'd the fun,
That lang 'twas or the chase was done;
But to the oxters lay'rd at last
The Dominie stood stickin' fast,
An' round him, still intent to tease
(They tak' whatever forms they please)
The witches sat like bottle cronies,
Chauntin' their bachanals harmonious.
The brimfu' glass wi' wond'rous glee,
Still drainin' o' the barley bree;
Their lips wi' mighty relish smackin',
An' queerest jokes on ither crackin'.
That lang 'twas or the chase was done;
But to the oxters lay'rd at last
The Dominie stood stickin' fast,
An' round him, still intent to tease
(They tak' whatever forms they please)
The witches sat like bottle cronies,
Chauntin' their bachanals harmonious.
11
Still drainin' o' the barley bree;
Their lips wi' mighty relish smackin',
An' queerest jokes on ither crackin'.
The foamin' bowl afore him placed,
Sponge smelt an' saw, but couldna taste,
Like Tantalus i' the olden fable,
Tho' nane mare keen, he wasna able;
For tho' wi' pith he aften strove,
'Twas vain, a hand he couldna move,
While they (sae sudden their transitions)
Were quickly a' fierce Politicians.
Wrangled on Bonaparty's measures,
Disputed on the Nation's treasures;
Discorded, diff'rent sides were taen,
Anither glass an' till'd again.
The Dominie, good honest mannie,
A politician keen as ony,
Fu' anxious strove the dust to quell,
Alas! he couldna hear himsel':
Whan up at last the parties rose,
Frae words intent to come to blows;
Oureturn'd the bowl wi' furious ire,
An' vanish'd in a flash o' fire.
Sponge smelt an' saw, but couldna taste,
Like Tantalus i' the olden fable,
Tho' nane mare keen, he wasna able;
For tho' wi' pith he aften strove,
'Twas vain, a hand he couldna move,
While they (sae sudden their transitions)
Were quickly a' fierce Politicians.
Wrangled on Bonaparty's measures,
Disputed on the Nation's treasures;
Discorded, diff'rent sides were taen,
Anither glass an' till'd again.
The Dominie, good honest mannie,
12
Fu' anxious strove the dust to quell,
Alas! he couldna hear himsel':
Whan up at last the parties rose,
Frae words intent to come to blows;
Oureturn'd the bowl wi' furious ire,
An' vanish'd in a flash o' fire.
Great now was Sponge's consternation,
But yet he couldna leave his station;
Tho' sair he strove fu' crously eager,
An' push'd an' pull'd wi' wondrous vigour;
Yet bootless a' his strugglin' sair,
A pow'r superior held him there.
Cursin' the dire effects o' drinkin'
He now perceiv'd himsel' a sinkin',
An' grasp'd the grass wi' might an' main
In's pithless hand, but grasp'd in vain;
For spite o' a' in mirky cell,
At risk o' broken banes he fell,
An' struck wi' dread an' dire dismay,
'Mang crawlin' reptiles sprawlin' lay.
But yet he couldna leave his station;
Tho' sair he strove fu' crously eager,
An' push'd an' pull'd wi' wondrous vigour;
Yet bootless a' his strugglin' sair,
A pow'r superior held him there.
Cursin' the dire effects o' drinkin'
He now perceiv'd himsel' a sinkin',
An' grasp'd the grass wi' might an' main
In's pithless hand, but grasp'd in vain;
13
At risk o' broken banes he fell,
An' struck wi' dread an' dire dismay,
'Mang crawlin' reptiles sprawlin' lay.
A glimpse o' desp'rate courage seizin'
He now explored his gloomy prison,
An' just had light enough to trace
The awfu' horrors o' the place.
Here ugly asps obnoxious crawlin',
There taeds their poisonous bodies hawlin'
Oure human banes that strew'd around,
Lay barely bleachin' on the ground;
While to the damp wa's firmly clingin'
Were num'rous creepin' reptiles hingin';
Frae the green roof the dews were dreepin',
An' worms in a' directions creepin'.
He now explored his gloomy prison,
An' just had light enough to trace
The awfu' horrors o' the place.
Here ugly asps obnoxious crawlin',
There taeds their poisonous bodies hawlin'
Oure human banes that strew'd around,
Lay barely bleachin' on the ground;
While to the damp wa's firmly clingin'
Were num'rous creepin' reptiles hingin';
Frae the green roof the dews were dreepin',
An' worms in a' directions creepin'.
Now dimly thro' a distant chink
A welcome light began to blink,
An' tortured Sponge wi' hope renew'd,
Exultingly the path pursued;
But wha with justice can pourtray
The dread-struck Dominie's dismay;
Or wha present a faithfu' mirror
Till's visage lank convuls'd wi' terror,
Whan i' the mids' o' cavern dire
He sparklin' saw a monstrous fire,
Whare human banes for coals were blazin',
An' gleamin' forth wi' light amazin',
Now utt'rin' cracks than cannon louder,
Now pluffin' up like lighted powder;
To the reeket roof in gleams arisin',
An' like beef stakes on brander bizzin',
The hugest fire he'd ere beheld
Was like expirin' taper till't.
Ilk corner dark at times illumin'
It show'd sic sights the fearfu' gloom in,
As fix'd poor Sponge i' the firm opinion
O' his bein' aneth Auld Nick's dominion.
Breath thro' his nose could hardly whistle,
His hair like pikes began to bristle;
While horrified and grimly gaspin'
He tott'rin' shook like trem'lin' aspen.
14
An' tortured Sponge wi' hope renew'd,
Exultingly the path pursued;
But wha with justice can pourtray
The dread-struck Dominie's dismay;
Or wha present a faithfu' mirror
Till's visage lank convuls'd wi' terror,
Whan i' the mids' o' cavern dire
He sparklin' saw a monstrous fire,
Whare human banes for coals were blazin',
An' gleamin' forth wi' light amazin',
Now utt'rin' cracks than cannon louder,
Now pluffin' up like lighted powder;
To the reeket roof in gleams arisin',
An' like beef stakes on brander bizzin',
The hugest fire he'd ere beheld
Was like expirin' taper till't.
15
It show'd sic sights the fearfu' gloom in,
As fix'd poor Sponge i' the firm opinion
O' his bein' aneth Auld Nick's dominion.
Breath thro' his nose could hardly whistle,
His hair like pikes began to bristle;
While horrified and grimly gaspin'
He tott'rin' shook like trem'lin' aspen.
The Witches round the fire were wheelin'
Wi' gambols queer fantastic reelin',
Mutt'rin' their gloomy incantations,
An' dark mysterious observations:
Wi' open mouth Sponge tremblin' stared,
Proceed or turn he neither dared.
Wi' gambols queer fantastic reelin',
Mutt'rin' their gloomy incantations,
An' dark mysterious observations:
Wi' open mouth Sponge tremblin' stared,
Proceed or turn he neither dared.
While quakin' thus he stood confoundet
He suddenly was quite surroundet;
Wi' weighty taws they now assailed him,
Nor a' his mournfu' cries avail'd him;
He ravin' curs'd his drinkin' folly,
An' mercy crav'd most pitifully;
While they the rocky rafters rent,
Wi' peals o' boist'rous merriment.
He suddenly was quite surroundet;
Wi' weighty taws they now assailed him,
16
He ravin' curs'd his drinkin' folly,
An' mercy crav'd most pitifully;
While they the rocky rafters rent,
Wi' peals o' boist'rous merriment.
Worn out at last he prostrate fell,
An' lost a' traces o' himsel';
His back wi' hair was quickly clad,
Lugs stood erect upon his head,
His mouth lang whiskers sprung about it,
A lang black tail ahint him sproutet,
An' legs for arms were substitutet.
The Dominie seem'd quite forgotten,
In a huge ugly Water Rottan.
He ran, convuls'd wi' roarin' laughter,
As cats the witches follow'd after;
Still urgin' on wi' tither bite
The pantin' brute, till jaded quite.
It stopt wi' lamentable rair,
An' sunk as if to rise nae mair.
An' lost a' traces o' himsel';
His back wi' hair was quickly clad,
Lugs stood erect upon his head,
His mouth lang whiskers sprung about it,
A lang black tail ahint him sproutet,
An' legs for arms were substitutet.
The Dominie seem'd quite forgotten,
In a huge ugly Water Rottan.
He ran, convuls'd wi' roarin' laughter,
As cats the witches follow'd after;
Still urgin' on wi' tither bite
17
It stopt wi' lamentable rair,
An' sunk as if to rise nae mair.
A glowin' red the east adornin'
Announced the quick approach o' mornin',
An' glorious Phœbus known to carry it
Resplendent in his fiery chariot,
His light-reflectin' flag unfurl'd,
Exultin' oure this lower world;
Whan, whare the Forth wi' boundin' roar,
Beats furiously the rocky shore,
Impendin' oure the ragin' flood,
By bramble bush an' smear'd wi' blood,
Which plenteous flow'd frae mony a wound,
The drucken Dominie was found,
An' while on bed o' sickness laid,
He dearly for his tipplin' paid,
'Tis said he aft was heard to swear
He'd never tip the chrystal mair.
Then ye wha wi' the e'enin' dusky
Steal out to prie the bitin' whisky,
Ye wha delight, in midnight revels,
To flyte an' feight like very Devils,
Ye D---s wha boldly dare
Be carried hame in elbow chair,
Wha still the wonted course pursue
To bed ilk mornin' roarin' fou,
O carefu' shun the infernal clutches
O' mischief-workin' wrinkled WITCHES.
Announced the quick approach o' mornin',
An' glorious Phœbus known to carry it
Resplendent in his fiery chariot,
His light-reflectin' flag unfurl'd,
Exultin' oure this lower world;
Whan, whare the Forth wi' boundin' roar,
Beats furiously the rocky shore,
Impendin' oure the ragin' flood,
By bramble bush an' smear'd wi' blood,
Which plenteous flow'd frae mony a wound,
The drucken Dominie was found,
An' while on bed o' sickness laid,
He dearly for his tipplin' paid,
18
He'd never tip the chrystal mair.
Then ye wha wi' the e'enin' dusky
Steal out to prie the bitin' whisky,
Ye wha delight, in midnight revels,
To flyte an' feight like very Devils,
Ye D---s wha boldly dare
Be carried hame in elbow chair,
Wha still the wonted course pursue
To bed ilk mornin' roarin' fou,
O carefu' shun the infernal clutches
O' mischief-workin' wrinkled WITCHES.
19
THE SPINNIN' WHEEL.
HUMBLY DEDICATED TO THE SPINSTERS OF A---.
Aid me my Muse to screw my chanter weel,
That I may loudly sing the Spinnin' Wheel.
The Wheel, by fickle fashion's dire decree,
Lang banish'd to the haunts o' poverty.
But now, (for not unchangeable the doom)
Again exalted to the dining-room;
Allow'd alike to humbly feed the poor
An' gaily gallop in a parlour floor.
That I may loudly sing the Spinnin' Wheel.
The Wheel, by fickle fashion's dire decree,
Lang banish'd to the haunts o' poverty.
But now, (for not unchangeable the doom)
Again exalted to the dining-room;
Allow'd alike to humbly feed the poor
An' gaily gallop in a parlour floor.
Ye courtly dames, despise not the machine,
Which aft has tenant o' a palace been.
Whan Grecian Princesses, wi' muckle pride,
Did oure the wheel an' weavin'-loom preside,
Whan splendid scarfs, which knightly shoulders grac'd,
Shew'd a Penelopé's, or Helen's taste:
For at the loom Penelopé could drill,
An' Helen trottet on a spinnin' wheel.
Which aft has tenant o' a palace been.
20
Did oure the wheel an' weavin'-loom preside,
Whan splendid scarfs, which knightly shoulders grac'd,
Shew'd a Penelopé's, or Helen's taste:
For at the loom Penelopé could drill,
An' Helen trottet on a spinnin' wheel.
In after times, ere lighter arts began,
Fair Scotia's Royal dames baith wove an' span.
Princesses than ne'er deem'd it ought unfittin'
At stockins to be seen, or garters knittin';
But ither arts, to please the Fair, beginnin',
To lower ranks were banish'd looms an' spinnin.
An' thus, frae mair to less, the wheel descendet,
Till in entire neglect at last it endet.
An' scarce was spinnin' wheel in house beheld
Till dire necessity compell'd them till't.
Fair Scotia's Royal dames baith wove an' span.
Princesses than ne'er deem'd it ought unfittin'
At stockins to be seen, or garters knittin';
But ither arts, to please the Fair, beginnin',
To lower ranks were banish'd looms an' spinnin.
An' thus, frae mair to less, the wheel descendet,
Till in entire neglect at last it endet.
An' scarce was spinnin' wheel in house beheld
Till dire necessity compell'd them till't.
A Cottar-wife had anes an only daughter,
An' like hersel to live by spinnin' taught her:
Meg didna like the wheel, but yet confest
'Tween wark an' want the former was the best.
Sae drave awa, an' own'd 'twas weel she had it,
Till by a neeb'rin' farmer woo'd an' weddet,
Syne was the spinnin' wheel flung by unheedet;
Proud Meg expectin' ne'er again to need it.
But things as wonderfu' hae happ'd ere now,
Sic things there are as rents an' gettin' fou;
Whyles markets fa', and sometimes Bills come due:
Sic happ'd to Meg's gudeman, by ills ouretaen,
Waes me! “misfortunes seldom come alane.”
His credit brak', alas! what mair could he do,
His heart brak' too, an' Meg was left a widow.
For rent the landlord seiz'd the farmin' things;
Au' Meg again becam' as poor's the taings.
Friends she had haen enow whan fortune smil'd,
Friends Meg believ'd them still, but was beguil'd.
Friendship may stand 'mang savages in India;
Here, “poortith entrin', it flies thro' the window.”
Meg ca'd her rounds amang them in a breath;
A' flang her past misconduct in her teeth,
Some, tauntin', offered pence, some gib'd wi' meal.
Sae aff she cam' an sought her spinnin' wheel:
IT prov'd, in spite o' a', a friend in need,
An' that's (the byword says) a friend indeed.
21
Meg didna like the wheel, but yet confest
'Tween wark an' want the former was the best.
Sae drave awa, an' own'd 'twas weel she had it,
Till by a neeb'rin' farmer woo'd an' weddet,
Syne was the spinnin' wheel flung by unheedet;
Proud Meg expectin' ne'er again to need it.
But things as wonderfu' hae happ'd ere now,
Sic things there are as rents an' gettin' fou;
Whyles markets fa', and sometimes Bills come due:
Sic happ'd to Meg's gudeman, by ills ouretaen,
Waes me! “misfortunes seldom come alane.”
His credit brak', alas! what mair could he do,
His heart brak' too, an' Meg was left a widow.
For rent the landlord seiz'd the farmin' things;
Au' Meg again becam' as poor's the taings.
Friends she had haen enow whan fortune smil'd,
22
Friendship may stand 'mang savages in India;
Here, “poortith entrin', it flies thro' the window.”
Meg ca'd her rounds amang them in a breath;
A' flang her past misconduct in her teeth,
Some, tauntin', offered pence, some gib'd wi' meal.
Sae aff she cam' an sought her spinnin' wheel:
IT prov'd, in spite o' a', a friend in need,
An' that's (the byword says) a friend indeed.
Read this, ye maids, wha spinnin' wheels despise;
Learn frae your neebor's follies to be wise:
See A---r ladies set the bright example,
An' ilka dinin' room become a temple,
Whase Priestesses the busy spindle ply,
An' dedicate their time to Industry.
Read, credit, and digest this maxim weel,
“The Maidens' truest friend's her spinnin' wheel.”
Learn frae your neebor's follies to be wise:
See A---r ladies set the bright example,
An' ilka dinin' room become a temple,
Whase Priestesses the busy spindle ply,
An' dedicate their time to Industry.
Read, credit, and digest this maxim weel,
“The Maidens' truest friend's her spinnin' wheel.”
23
WATERLOO.
A SONG.
On Fortha's banks, that fresh and fair
Were glitterin' to the evening dew,
A maiden sung, wi' plaintive air,
Her soldier slain at Waterloo.
“Alas!” she cried, “my heart was sad
Whan Sandy sigh'd his last adieu:
An' here nae mair can I be glad
Sin' cauld he lies on Waterloo.
Were glitterin' to the evening dew,
A maiden sung, wi' plaintive air,
Her soldier slain at Waterloo.
“Alas!” she cried, “my heart was sad
Whan Sandy sigh'd his last adieu:
An' here nae mair can I be glad
Sin' cauld he lies on Waterloo.
O had my Sandy staid at hame
Whan he the blade o' battle drew,
I'd aiblins never heard the name,
The fatal name o' Waterloo.
But martial glory fir'd his breast,
His native hamlet tiresome grew;
He sped to meet high heaven's behest,
An' conq'rin' fell on Waterloo.
Whan he the blade o' battle drew,
I'd aiblins never heard the name,
The fatal name o' Waterloo.
24
His native hamlet tiresome grew;
He sped to meet high heaven's behest,
An' conq'rin' fell on Waterloo.
Wi' tearfu' e'e I now behold
Anither haud my Sandy's plough,
While his remains lie stiff an' cold
'Mang thousands slain on Waterloo.
But soon, I hope, we'll meet again
In realms o' bliss, forever new,
Whare peace an' endless pleasures reign,
Forgotten war an' Waterloo.”
Anither haud my Sandy's plough,
While his remains lie stiff an' cold
'Mang thousands slain on Waterloo.
But soon, I hope, we'll meet again
In realms o' bliss, forever new,
Whare peace an' endless pleasures reign,
Forgotten war an' Waterloo.”
| The dominie's disaster | |