The Works of The Ettrick Shepherd Centenary Edition. With a Memoir of the Author, by the Rev. Thomas Thomson ... Poems and Life. With Many Illustrative Engravings [by James Hogg] |
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The P and the Q;
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 | The Works of The Ettrick Shepherd |  |
The P and the Q;
OR THE ADVENTURES OF JOCK M'PHERSON.
“There was an auld man, and he had an auld wife,
And they had a son was the plague of their life;”
For even frae the time when a bairn on the knee,
He was as contrary as callant could be.
He gloom'd and he skirl'd, and, when in hard case,
He whiles gae his mother a yerk on the face;
And nought sae weel pleased him, when he could win at her,
As to gar her mild gray een stand in back-water.
They scolded, they drubb'd him, they ruggit his hair,
They stripp'd off his claes, and they skelpit him bare—
But he took every chance baith to scart and to spar,
And instead o' growing better, he rather grew waur.
And they had a son was the plague of their life;”
For even frae the time when a bairn on the knee,
He was as contrary as callant could be.
He gloom'd and he skirl'd, and, when in hard case,
He whiles gae his mother a yerk on the face;
And nought sae weel pleased him, when he could win at her,
As to gar her mild gray een stand in back-water.
They scolded, they drubb'd him, they ruggit his hair,
They stripp'd off his claes, and they skelpit him bare—
But he took every chance baith to scart and to spar,
And instead o' growing better, he rather grew waur.
This old crabbed carle it is hard to make verse on:
His trade was a miller, his name was M'Pherson—
And this wicked callant, the plague o' his stock,
I ne'er heard his name, but I'm sure it was Jock—
For I never yet heard of a stripling of game,
The son of an auld pair, but Jock was his name.
I am sure that my mother had thirty old stories,
And every one of them began as before is;
Or, “there was a man and wife like other folk,
An' they had a son, an' they ca'd him Jock;”
And so it went on: now this that you're hearing
Was one of these stories—you'll find it a queer ane.
His trade was a miller, his name was M'Pherson—
And this wicked callant, the plague o' his stock,
I ne'er heard his name, but I'm sure it was Jock—
For I never yet heard of a stripling of game,
The son of an auld pair, but Jock was his name.
I am sure that my mother had thirty old stories,
And every one of them began as before is;
Or, “there was a man and wife like other folk,
An' they had a son, an' they ca'd him Jock;”
And so it went on: now this that you're hearing
Was one of these stories—you'll find it a queer ane.
Jock went to the school—but there rose sic a rumpus!—
The scholars were maul'd, and their noddles grew bumpous;
The pretty wee girls were weel towzled and kiss'd,
In spite of their teeth, ay, and oft ere they wist;
But yet for as ill as the creatures were guided,
In Jock's fiery trials wi' him still they sided.
Good sauf's how they squeel'd in their feckless resistance!
Good sauf's, how the master ran to their assistance!
He ca'd Jock a heathen, a Turk, and a Nero,
Grinn'd, clench'd his auld teeth, and laid on like a hero;
But no mends could he get—for, despite of his sway,
Jock fought him again twenty times in a day.
The scholars were maul'd, and their noddles grew bumpous;
The pretty wee girls were weel towzled and kiss'd,
In spite of their teeth, ay, and oft ere they wist;
But yet for as ill as the creatures were guided,
In Jock's fiery trials wi' him still they sided.
Good sauf's how they squeel'd in their feckless resistance!
Good sauf's, how the master ran to their assistance!
He ca'd Jock a heathen, a Turk, and a Nero,
Grinn'd, clench'd his auld teeth, and laid on like a hero;
But no mends could he get—for, despite of his sway,
Jock fought him again twenty times in a day.
Of course Jock's advancement in learning was slow,
He got with perplexity as far as O;
But the P and the Q, that sister and brother,
He wish'd at the deil, and he never wan further.
He got with perplexity as far as O;
But the P and the Q, that sister and brother,
He wish'd at the deil, and he never wan further.
He hated the dominie's teasing and tattles—
He hated the school except for the battles—
But he liked the sweet wenches, and kindly caress'd them,
Yet when they would not let him kiss them, he thrash'd them.
He hated the school except for the battles—
But he liked the sweet wenches, and kindly caress'd them,
Yet when they would not let him kiss them, he thrash'd them.
328
There was ae bit shy lassie, ca'd Phemie Carruthers,
Whom he either lo'ed waur, or lo'ed better than others;
From morning to e'en you'd have heard or have seen them,
For peace there was never a moment between them;
She couldna bide frae him, he seem'd to bewitch her,
Yet neither wad she let him kiss her or touch her,
But squeel'd like a rabbit, and giggled and ran,
Till Jock ran her down, wi' a curse or a ban.
Then many a sair drubbing he gat frae her brothers;
Oh dear was his flirting wi' Phemie Carruthers!
Whom he either lo'ed waur, or lo'ed better than others;
From morning to e'en you'd have heard or have seen them,
For peace there was never a moment between them;
She couldna bide frae him, he seem'd to bewitch her,
Yet neither wad she let him kiss her or touch her,
But squeel'd like a rabbit, and giggled and ran,
Till Jock ran her down, wi' a curse or a ban.
Then many a sair drubbing he gat frae her brothers;
Oh dear was his flirting wi' Phemie Carruthers!
The auld miller ken'dna what way to bestow him,
Or what in the world's wide range to make o' him;
For when at the mill, at the meadow, or mart,
He fought wi' the horses and coupit the cart;
He couldna even gang wi' the horse to the water,
But there was a battle, and gallop full blatter.
To a smith he was enter'd, to yirk at the stiddy,
But he lamed the auld smith, and he fired the smiddy.
Then went to a tailor of high estimation,
To learn to make trousers and breeks in the fashion;
But a' that the tailor could threaten or wheedle,
At every steek Jock gae'm the length o' the needle.
Ten times in a day he provoked him or trick'd him,
Then ance for amusement he fought and he lick'd him;
So Snib turn'd him off, and accepted another,
And Jock went once more to his father and mother.
Or what in the world's wide range to make o' him;
For when at the mill, at the meadow, or mart,
He fought wi' the horses and coupit the cart;
He couldna even gang wi' the horse to the water,
But there was a battle, and gallop full blatter.
To a smith he was enter'd, to yirk at the stiddy,
But he lamed the auld smith, and he fired the smiddy.
Then went to a tailor of high estimation,
To learn to make trousers and breeks in the fashion;
But a' that the tailor could threaten or wheedle,
At every steek Jock gae'm the length o' the needle.
Ten times in a day he provoked him or trick'd him,
Then ance for amusement he fought and he lick'd him;
So Snib turn'd him off, and accepted another,
And Jock went once more to his father and mother.
Then they sent him to sea, to efface his reproach,
In fighting the Spaniards, the French, and the Dutch:
Jock fought with them all, for he happen'd to hate them;
Whenever he met them, he fought, and he beat them;
He fought from his childhood, and never thought ill o't,
But then he acknowledged he whiles got his fill o't:
Of all naval heroes, our country had never,
Than this Jock M'Pherson, a truer or braver.
He fought thirty battles, and never retreated,
Round a' the hale world that God has created,
And for twenty long years, for ill or for well o't,
He never saw Britain, and seldom heard tell o't;
Yet never in life such resistance he knew,
Nor retreated, except from the P and the Q!
In fighting the Spaniards, the French, and the Dutch:
Jock fought with them all, for he happen'd to hate them;
Whenever he met them, he fought, and he beat them;
He fought from his childhood, and never thought ill o't,
But then he acknowledged he whiles got his fill o't:
Of all naval heroes, our country had never,
Than this Jock M'Pherson, a truer or braver.
He fought thirty battles, and never retreated,
Round a' the hale world that God has created,
And for twenty long years, for ill or for well o't,
He never saw Britain, and seldom heard tell o't;
Yet never in life such resistance he knew,
Nor retreated, except from the P and the Q!
But the sights that Jock saw—oh, no man can conceive them!
They're really so grand, folks will hardly believe them.
He cross'd both the circles, which we're rather dark about,
He saw both the poles, which folk make sic a wark about;
And by a most rigid and laboursome scanning,
Not only the poles, but the sockets they ran in;
And also the giants, austere and outlandish,
That wheel'd the earth round, like a kirn on its standish:
They were cover'd with ice, and had faces most grievous,
And their forms were mis-shapen and huge as Ben-Nevis;
Yet they stood to their business, though fretting and gnarl'd,
With their cans of bear's grease for the poles of the world.
Let Barrow, and Parry, and Franklin commence
From this as example, and learn to speak sense.
They're really so grand, folks will hardly believe them.
He cross'd both the circles, which we're rather dark about,
He saw both the poles, which folk make sic a wark about;
And by a most rigid and laboursome scanning,
Not only the poles, but the sockets they ran in;
And also the giants, austere and outlandish,
That wheel'd the earth round, like a kirn on its standish:
They were cover'd with ice, and had faces most grievous,
And their forms were mis-shapen and huge as Ben-Nevis;
Yet they stood to their business, though fretting and gnarl'd,
With their cans of bear's grease for the poles of the world.
Let Barrow, and Parry, and Franklin commence
From this as example, and learn to speak sense.
Jock sailed where no Christian ever had been afore,
And found out some countries that never were seen afore;
He came to a land where the language they spoke
Had exactly the sound of the Scottish moor-cock,
With a ick-ick-ick, uck-uck-uck—ne'er was such din heard!
And instead of coming outward, their voices went inward.
He came to another, where young women wore
Their faces behind and their bottoms before;
Jock tried to embrace these maids once and again,
But the girls were confounded, and giggled amain—
For forward they fled in a moment, and smack
Jock came to the ground on the broad of his back;
Which makes me suspect—though I hate to asperse—
That their forms were like ours, but their clothes the reverse.
Pooh! Franklin's, and Hall's, and the whole are a mock,
Compar'd with the voyages and travels of Jock!
Jock sail'd up a branch of the Plate through the Andes;
He visited Lima, and Juan Fernandez;
Then spread all his canvas, and westward he ran,
Till he came to the shores of the famous Japan,
And an island beyond it, which Britons ne'er knew,
But Jock thought the natives pronounced it Cookoo:
The half of its wonders no history relates,
For its slates are all gold, and its money is slates!
[OMITTED]
And found out some countries that never were seen afore;
He came to a land where the language they spoke
Had exactly the sound of the Scottish moor-cock,
With a ick-ick-ick, uck-uck-uck—ne'er was such din heard!
And instead of coming outward, their voices went inward.
He came to another, where young women wore
Their faces behind and their bottoms before;
Jock tried to embrace these maids once and again,
But the girls were confounded, and giggled amain—
For forward they fled in a moment, and smack
Jock came to the ground on the broad of his back;
Which makes me suspect—though I hate to asperse—
That their forms were like ours, but their clothes the reverse.
Pooh! Franklin's, and Hall's, and the whole are a mock,
Compar'd with the voyages and travels of Jock!
Jock sail'd up a branch of the Plate through the Andes;
He visited Lima, and Juan Fernandez;
Then spread all his canvas, and westward he ran,
Till he came to the shores of the famous Japan,
And an island beyond it, which Britons ne'er knew,
But Jock thought the natives pronounced it Cookoo:
The half of its wonders no history relates,
For its slates are all gold, and its money is slates!
Jock rose from a midshipman up to an admiral,
And now to that island for ever he bade farewell,
And sailed by a coast that had skies very novel;
The sun was an oblong, the moon was an oval,
And from the horizon midway up the skies,
The stars danced outrageously reels and strathspeys.
But none of the stars he remember'd were there,
He missed his old friends of the Serpent and Bear;
But those that they had were of brilliant adorning,
All bright as Dame Venus, the star of the morning;
At midnight there glowed out a radiance within them,
As the essence of light and its spirit were in them,
Till even the rude sailors with awe looked upon them,
As if a light sacred and heavenly shone on them.
And now to that island for ever he bade farewell,
And sailed by a coast that had skies very novel;
The sun was an oblong, the moon was an oval,
And from the horizon midway up the skies,
The stars danced outrageously reels and strathspeys.
But none of the stars he remember'd were there,
He missed his old friends of the Serpent and Bear;
But those that they had were of brilliant adorning,
All bright as Dame Venus, the star of the morning;
At midnight there glowed out a radiance within them,
As the essence of light and its spirit were in them,
Till even the rude sailors with awe looked upon them,
As if a light sacred and heavenly shone on them.
329
One ship and one crew (a bold and uncanny ane)
At first sailed with Jock from the Mediterranean;
But now everything was with him sesquialter,
As proudly he passed by the bay of Gibraltar.
He returned a commander, accomplished and nautical;
It is true, some suspected his conduct piratical;
But Jock from such chances and charges got well off,
For they happened so distant they ne'er were heard tell of.
He had as much good money—gold, silver, and copper—
As filled to the brim his old father's mill-hopper;
Two ships and a frigate, all trim and untented—
Such feats and such fortune are unprecedented!
At first sailed with Jock from the Mediterranean;
But now everything was with him sesquialter,
As proudly he passed by the bay of Gibraltar.
He returned a commander, accomplished and nautical;
It is true, some suspected his conduct piratical;
But Jock from such chances and charges got well off,
For they happened so distant they ne'er were heard tell of.
He had as much good money—gold, silver, and copper—
As filled to the brim his old father's mill-hopper;
Two ships and a frigate, all trim and untented—
Such feats and such fortune are unprecedented!
Jock bought his old father the lands of Glen-Wharden,
The old wicked dominie a house and a garden;
And all his school-fellows that thrashed him a-going it,
He gave them large presents, and blessed them for doing it;
Then took for his lady, in preference to others,
The wild little skelpie called Phemie Carruthers.
But he swore that through life he had never been stopp'd
By Christian or Pagan with whome'er he coped;
By all the wild elements roused to commotion,
The roarings of storm, and the rollings of ocean;
Wild currents and mountains of icicles blue,
Except the two bouncers, the P and the Q!!
“And blast my two eyes!” Jack would swear and would say,
“If I do not believe to this here blessed day,
That the trimmers were nothing for all the kick-up just,
Than a B and a D with their bottoms turn'd upmost!”
The old wicked dominie a house and a garden;
And all his school-fellows that thrashed him a-going it,
He gave them large presents, and blessed them for doing it;
Then took for his lady, in preference to others,
The wild little skelpie called Phemie Carruthers.
But he swore that through life he had never been stopp'd
By Christian or Pagan with whome'er he coped;
By all the wild elements roused to commotion,
The roarings of storm, and the rollings of ocean;
Wild currents and mountains of icicles blue,
Except the two bouncers, the P and the Q!!
“And blast my two eyes!” Jack would swear and would say,
“If I do not believe to this here blessed day,
That the trimmers were nothing for all the kick-up just,
Than a B and a D with their bottoms turn'd upmost!”
| The Works of The Ettrick Shepherd | |