University of Virginia Library

A New Shakespere

RICHARD III

ACT I.

SCENE I London: a Street.

Enter Gloster (reading The Historical Review)
Gloster.
I am a very personable man,
And did not cut my teeth ere I was born,
Still less may be described as ‘half made up’.
My humpback is a myth: mine evil deeds
Were falsehoods of Archbishop Morton coined,
Paid for by Richmond, put in currency
By that detested caitiff, Thomas More.

Enter Clarence.
Gloster.
Brother, good day! Thou canst not say I did it!

Clarence.
There is a certain buzzing in my wits:
The new historians distract my mind,
Yet was I Clarence once, and bore a brain.

Gloster
(aside).
Wiser, perchance, if thou hadst brained a Boar!
But, hist! I am a moral character.
I ask thee, who was guilty?

Clarence.
I know not, but—

Gloster.
But me no buts! That butt of Malmsey wine
Is an exploded fable.

Clarence.
Certainly.
Yet, somehow, I was foully done to death
Unhouseled, unanointed, unannealed.

Gloster.
'Twas Richmond, 'twas false, fleeting, perjured Richmond!

[Exit Clarence.

SCENE II. The Same.

To Gloster enter The Corpse of Henry VI and Lady Anne.
Lady Anne.
Rest you while I lament my Henry's corpse,
While I adore my Henry's holy shade!

Gloster.
I did not kill your husband; on the day
Of our late king's deplorable demise
I was not in the Tower—was out of town:
At Sandwich—Mr. Clements Markham proves—
Was I: perchance pursued the devious ball,
And in the Maiden bunker came to grief.
Or if not so, I know not what I did,
Or what foul fiend could take a man to Sandwich.

Lady Anne.
Never hung poison on a fouler toad!

Gloster.
Nay, hear me swear a good mouth-filling oath
That I can prove a perfect alibi.
Listen, from this ‘Historical Review’,
Put forth by Master Longman, in the Row,
I'll prove me sackless of that monstrous deed!

Lady Anne.
A monstrous deal of sack!

Gloster.
Nay, mock me not!
For Mr. Clements Markham makes it plain
That on the fatal day I was afar
From Towers of Julius, London's lasting shame.
'Tis true that Mr. Samuel Gardiner
Has put the matter in another light:
A question 'tis of dates, but what are they?
Myself am strong on Clements Markham's side;
(aside) Yet Mrs.
Markham tells another tale!

Lady Anne.
‘Samivel, a halibi.’ This likes me well!

Gloster.
Then, then we may consider ourselves engaged?

Lady Anne.
Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee!

[Exit Lady Anne and Corpse.

SCENE III.

To Gloster enter King Edward, led in sick (sic).
King Edward.
Alas! 'twas aye my lamentable custom
To make the cold-baked meats to furnish forth
The wedding breakfast! Widows were my bane.
Still fast on one, I wooed another widow,
And all the while was wedded to another.
None knew but the archbishop: thus my sons,
These thrice unhappy children in the Tower,
Are, to speak plainly, illegitimate.
Thou wilt not slay them, Gloster?

Gloster.
Fear me not!
My title, the ‘Historical Review’
Assures me, is writ plain: there is no need
That I should smother children in the Tower.
'Twas Richmond did it! Mr. Clements Markham,
In spite of the Croyland Continuator,
Has made this view extremely plausible,
(aside)
But Mrs. Markham tells another tale!

King Edward.
Bless thee: but I feel poorly and would go.

[King Edward is led out sick.

SCENE IV.

To Gloster enter Hastings.
Hastings.
Come, lead me to the block! 'Tis falsely said
That, ere he tried me, Richard had my head!

Gloster.
Exactly! The ‘Historical Review’
And Mr. Clements Markham vouch for it.
Thou, Hastings, hadst due trial of thy peers;
And so, farewell, a plunger wert thou ever,
Yet could I better spare a better man!

[Hastings is led to the block.

SCENE V.

To Gloster enter Dighton and Forrest.
Dighton.
It is a very palpable relief
To learn, my Forrest, that we never smothered
(At all events, not in King Richard's time),
The most replenished, sweet work of nature,
These everlasting babes within the Tower!

Forrest.
Nay; it was Henry VII who bade us smother!

Gloster.
What! wed a Princess and work off her brother!

[Exeunt Dighton and Forrest.

SCENE VI.

To Gloster enter Ghosts.
Ghost of Prince Edward.
Let me not sit upon thy soul to-morrow.
I do misdoubt me 'twas another's hand
That stabbed me in the field by Tewkesbury!

Ghost of Henry VI.
When I was mortal, my anointed body
By some one was punched full of deadly holes;
But who that puncher is who punched with care
Is, bless us all! a very different thing.

Ghosts of Rivers, Vaughan, Grey, and a Number of Other Ghosts.
We come to offer our apologies,
And to regret that we were much misled
By rumour, painted full of fiery tongues.
'Tis true there was a lot of killing done,
And massacre made merry round the throne;
But liars were the Tudor chroniclers,
Especially the lewd Archbishop Morton.

Gloster.
It was not I who did the thing ye wot of?

Ghosts.
Apparently it was not! Fare ye well!

[Exeunt Ghosts.
Gloster.
Richard's himself again! Now to the field!
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!
For there's no way of getting over it,
That, after doing prodigies of valour,
Myself was foully slain on Bosworth Field,
Unless, indeed, 'tis I was Perkin Warbeck!
A view not broached by Mr. Clements Markham,
Yet tenable, at least, in magazines,
And among modern speculations.
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!

[Exit fighting.
Curtain.