Comic Tales and Lyrical Fancies including The Chessiad, a Mock-Heroic, in Five Cantos; and The Wreath of Love, in Four Cantos. By C. Dibdin, the Younger |
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THE WIG;
OR THE JUDGE AND HIS LADY.
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 | Comic Tales and Lyrical Fancies |  |
37
THE WIG; OR THE JUDGE AND HIS LADY.
There was a Judge at nisi prius,
Who ne'er from common sense felt bias,
Nisi law cause could show:
For, some say, law (I know not whence)
Can rule or o'errule common sense,
As equity can show.
Who ne'er from common sense felt bias,
Nisi law cause could show:
For, some say, law (I know not whence)
Can rule or o'errule common sense,
As equity can show.
To Justice's entire content,
This learned Judge each circuit went
To nonsuit captious strife.
Judges (for state) alone should ride,
Yet, since but one are spouse and bride,
He ofttimes took his wife.
This learned Judge each circuit went
To nonsuit captious strife.
Judges (for state) alone should ride,
Yet, since but one are spouse and bride,
He ofttimes took his wife.
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It chanced my lady,—not that she
Was weakly prone to vanity—
She loved, as ladies do,
Smartness; but yet (a purpose wise),
Lovely to look in hubby's eyes—
As, ladies, practise you.
Was weakly prone to vanity—
She loved, as ladies do,
Smartness; but yet (a purpose wise),
Lovely to look in hubby's eyes—
As, ladies, practise you.
Hence in the chariot would be placed
Band-boxes fill'd with proofs of taste,
Till, almost smother'd, he
Cried, “Madam, such things might be put,
In private, coram nobis, but
Non coram judice.”
Band-boxes fill'd with proofs of taste,
Till, almost smother'd, he
Cried, “Madam, such things might be put,
In private, coram nobis, but
Non coram judice.”
Said she, “Destruction they would find
If pack'd within the trunk behind—
They're caps.” “What then?” quo' he,
“No rule of court can practice show
That judges who on circuit go
Should go thus cap-a-pied.”
If pack'd within the trunk behind—
They're caps.” “What then?” quo' he,
“No rule of court can practice show
That judges who on circuit go
Should go thus cap-a-pied.”
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One time, for leave though she applied,
He vow'd no box with him should ride,
Though many a plea she found.
Resolved no longer to be fool'd,
He every point and plea o'erruled,
And turn'd my lady round.
He vow'd no box with him should ride,
Though many a plea she found.
Resolved no longer to be fool'd,
He every point and plea o'erruled,
And turn'd my lady round.
They rode along, with little chat;
She fretting, he revolving, sat;
When, in brown study, lo!
Against a box, while stretching out
His legs, to ease some twinge of gout,
His lordship kick'd his toe.
She fretting, he revolving, sat;
When, in brown study, lo!
Against a box, while stretching out
His legs, to ease some twinge of gout,
His lordship kick'd his toe.
“What's this?” he cried, and, looking down,
He saw a band-box, (from the town
They sought 'twas miles a score).
“Hah, hah!” cried he, the glass he dropp'd,
“We'll clear the court,” and out he popp'd
The box, and said no more.
He saw a band-box, (from the town
They sought 'twas miles a score).
“Hah, hah!” cried he, the glass he dropp'd,
“We'll clear the court,” and out he popp'd
The box, and said no more.
40
While nothing said his lady gay,
(She thought 'twas little use to say),
Which caused him some surprise.
At length the carriage put them down
By sound of trumpet in the town
Where held was the assize.
(She thought 'twas little use to say),
Which caused him some surprise.
At length the carriage put them down
By sound of trumpet in the town
Where held was the assize.
The Judge, as he to church must go,
Put on his scarlet, comme il faut,
And look'd importance big.
“Humphrey,” said he, “'tis getting late,
We mustn't make the parson wait:
Go, Humphrey, fetch my wig.”
Put on his scarlet, comme il faut,
And look'd importance big.
“Humphrey,” said he, “'tis getting late,
We mustn't make the parson wait:
Go, Humphrey, fetch my wig.”
Then Humphrey, like true serving-man,
To get the jasey quickly ran;
But fortune deals in sport:
Removed each package small or big,
Non est inventus was the wig,
In full contempt of court.
To get the jasey quickly ran;
But fortune deals in sport:
Removed each package small or big,
Non est inventus was the wig,
In full contempt of court.
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“A horse! a horse!” cried Richard Rex—
“A wig! a wig!” the Judge, “'twould vex
A saint this law's delay;”
When Humphrey cried—(a comic prig)—
“Without a rule your worship's wig
Has traversed term to-day.”
“A wig! a wig!” the Judge, “'twould vex
A saint this law's delay;”
When Humphrey cried—(a comic prig)—
“Without a rule your worship's wig
Has traversed term to-day.”
“Not find my wig?” the Judge, and stared;
Foam'd at the mouth, his eye-balls glared;
When in came sword and mace.
“Will't please your lordship to proceed?
All's ready now, and we will lead,
As is our proper place.”
Foam'd at the mouth, his eye-balls glared;
When in came sword and mace.
“Will't please your lordship to proceed?
All's ready now, and we will lead,
As is our proper place.”
The Judge. “Proceed? I cannot budge;
Without a wig what is a Judge?
My wig! my wig!” he cries:
And cried his wife, with glad retort,
“Why, when your ludship clear'd the court,
You clear'd the wig likewise.”
Without a wig what is a Judge?
My wig! my wig!” he cries:
And cried his wife, with glad retort,
“Why, when your ludship clear'd the court,
You clear'd the wig likewise.”
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The Judge, nonsuited, said—but what
He said, deponent knoweth not,
And what he did's not certain;
But Mace to budge deem'd this his cue,
And Sword to shield himself withdrew,
And Humphrey—drew the curtain.
He said, deponent knoweth not,
And what he did's not certain;
But Mace to budge deem'd this his cue,
And Sword to shield himself withdrew,
And Humphrey—drew the curtain.
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