The Poems of Charles Sackville Sixth Earl of Dorset: Edited by Brice Harris |
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Colon
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 | The Poems of Charles Sackville |  |
124
Colon
As Colon drove his sheep along
By Whitehall, there was such a throng
Of early coaches at the gate
The silly swain was forc'd to wait.
Chance threw him on Sir Edward Sutton,
A jolly knight that rhymes to mutton:
“Colon,” said he, “this is the day,
For which poor England long did pray;
The day that sets our Monarch free
From butter'd buns and slavery.
This hour from French intrigues, 'tis said,
He'll clear his Council and his bed.
Portsmouth, he now vouchsafes to know,
Was the cast whore of Count de Sault.
Each night with her dear was as sessions
O'th' House, and fuller of petitions,
Which drain'd him 'till he was not able
To keep his Council or a table,
So that whitestaves, grooms, and pages
Live alike upon board wages.
She must retire and sell her place;
Buyers, you see, flock in apace.”
By Whitehall, there was such a throng
Of early coaches at the gate
The silly swain was forc'd to wait.
Chance threw him on Sir Edward Sutton,
A jolly knight that rhymes to mutton:
“Colon,” said he, “this is the day,
125
The day that sets our Monarch free
From butter'd buns and slavery.
This hour from French intrigues, 'tis said,
He'll clear his Council and his bed.
Portsmouth, he now vouchsafes to know,
Was the cast whore of Count de Sault.
Each night with her dear was as sessions
O'th' House, and fuller of petitions,
Which drain'd him 'till he was not able
To keep his Council or a table,
So that whitestaves, grooms, and pages
Live alike upon board wages.
She must retire and sell her place;
Buyers, you see, flock in apace.”
Silence i'th' Court being once proclaim'd,
Up stepp'd fair Richmond once so fam'd:
She offer'd much but was refus'd,
And of miscarriages accus'd.
They said a c--- so us'd to puke
Could never bear a booby duke;
That Mulgrave, Williers, and Jack How
For one salt duchess were enow.
Nor would his Majesty accept her
At thirty, who at eighteen left her:
She blush'd and modestly withdrew.
Up stepp'd fair Richmond once so fam'd:
She offer'd much but was refus'd,
And of miscarriages accus'd.
They said a c--- so us'd to puke
Could never bear a booby duke;
That Mulgrave, Williers, and Jack How
For one salt duchess were enow.
Nor would his Majesty accept her
At thirty, who at eighteen left her:
She blush'd and modestly withdrew.
Next Middleton appear'd in view,
Who straight was told of Montagu;
Of baits from Hyde, of clothes from France,
Of armpits, toes and suffisance;
At which the Court set up a laughter:
And then she pleaded for her daughter,
A buxom lass fit for the place,
(Were not her father in disgrace)
Whose monstrous chin 'twas thought begun
Her pretty face to overrun,
Besides some strange, incestuous stories
Of Harvey and her long clitoris.
Who straight was told of Montagu;
Of baits from Hyde, of clothes from France,
Of armpits, toes and suffisance;
At which the Court set up a laughter:
And then she pleaded for her daughter,
A buxom lass fit for the place,
(Were not her father in disgrace)
Whose monstrous chin 'twas thought begun
Her pretty face to overrun,
Besides some strange, incestuous stories
126
With these exceptions she's dismiss'd,
And Morland fair enters the list:
Husband in hand most decently,
And begs at any rate to buy.
She offer'd jewels of great price,
And dear Sir Samuel's next device,
Whether it be a pump or table,
Glass house or any other bauble:
But she was told she had been tri'd,
And for good reasons laid aside.
And Morland fair enters the list:
Husband in hand most decently,
And begs at any rate to buy.
She offer'd jewels of great price,
And dear Sir Samuel's next device,
Whether it be a pump or table,
Glass house or any other bauble:
But she was told she had been tri'd,
And for good reasons laid aside.
Next in stepp'd pretty Lady Grey,
Offer'd her lord should nothing say
'Gainst the next treasurer's accus'd,
So her pretense were not refus'd:
Rowley enrag'd bid her be gone,
And play her game out with his son;
Or if she lik'd an aged carcass,
From Lucy get the noble Marquess.
Offer'd her lord should nothing say
'Gainst the next treasurer's accus'd,
So her pretense were not refus'd:
Rowley enrag'd bid her be gone,
And play her game out with his son;
Or if she lik'd an aged carcass,
From Lucy get the noble Marquess.
Shrewsbury offer'd for the place,
All she had gotten from his Grace;
She knew his ways and could comply
With all decays of lechery;
Had often lick'd his amorous scepter
Until the jaded stallion leap't her;
But long ago she had the mishap
To give the King Dick Talbot's clap;
Though for her all was said that can be,
By her lean drudge, the Earl of Danby.
She was dismiss'd with scorn and told
Where a tall page was to be sold.
All she had gotten from his Grace;
She knew his ways and could comply
With all decays of lechery;
Had often lick'd his amorous scepter
Until the jaded stallion leap't her;
But long ago she had the mishap
To give the King Dick Talbot's clap;
Though for her all was said that can be,
By her lean drudge, the Earl of Danby.
She was dismiss'd with scorn and told
Where a tall page was to be sold.
Then in came dowdy Mazarin,
That foreign, antiquated quean,
Who soon was told the King no more
Would deal with an intriguing whore;
That she already had about her
Too good an equipage de foutre;
Nor was our monarch such a cully
To bear a Moor, and swingeing bully.
Her Grace at this rebuke look'd blank,
And sneak'd away to villain Frank.
That foreign, antiquated quean,
Who soon was told the King no more
Would deal with an intriguing whore;
That she already had about her
127
Nor was our monarch such a cully
To bear a Moor, and swingeing bully.
Her Grace at this rebuke look'd blank,
And sneak'd away to villain Frank.
Fair Lichfield too her claim put in.
'Twas urg'd she was too near akin;
She modestly reply'd, “No more
Akin than Sussex was before.”
Besides she'd often heard her mother
Call her the daughter of another;
She did not drivel and had sense,
To which all his had no pretence.
Yet for the present she's put off,
And told she was not whore enough.
'Twas urg'd she was too near akin;
She modestly reply'd, “No more
Akin than Sussex was before.”
Besides she'd often heard her mother
Call her the daughter of another;
She did not drivel and had sense,
To which all his had no pretence.
Yet for the present she's put off,
And told she was not whore enough.
Loftus smil'd at that exception,
Doubting not of good reception;
Put in her claim, vowing she'd steal
All that her husband won of Neale:
To buy the place all he should get,
By his long suit with Mr. Pitt;
But from Goliath's size of Gath,
Down to the pitch of little Wroth,
The Court was told she'd lain with all
The roaring roisterers of Whitehall;
For which Old Rowley, lest she'd grudge,
Gave her the making of a judge.
She bow'd and straight bought her six grays,
To haunt the Court, the park, and plays.
Doubting not of good reception;
Put in her claim, vowing she'd steal
All that her husband won of Neale:
To buy the place all he should get,
By his long suit with Mr. Pitt;
But from Goliath's size of Gath,
Down to the pitch of little Wroth,
The Court was told she'd lain with all
The roaring roisterers of Whitehall;
For which Old Rowley, lest she'd grudge,
Gave her the making of a judge.
She bow'd and straight bought her six grays,
To haunt the Court, the park, and plays.
In stepp'd stately Cary Fraser,
Straight the whole room began to praise her;
As fine as hands and paint could make her,
She vow'd the King or jail must take her.
Rowley repli'd, he was retrenching
And would no more of costly wenching;
That she was proud and went too gaudy,
Nor could she swear, drink, and talk bawdy—
Virtues more requisite for that place
Than wit, or youth, or a good face.
Straight the whole room began to praise her;
As fine as hands and paint could make her,
She vow'd the King or jail must take her.
Rowley repli'd, he was retrenching
And would no more of costly wenching;
That she was proud and went too gaudy,
Nor could she swear, drink, and talk bawdy—
128
Than wit, or youth, or a good face.
Cleveland offered down a million,
But she was soon told of Chastillon;
At that name straight she fell a-weeping
And swore she was undone with keeping;
That Jermyn, Churchill had so drain'd her
She could not live on the remainder.
The Court said there was no record
Of any to that place restor'd,
Nor ought the King at these years venture,
When his prime could not content her.
But she was soon told of Chastillon;
At that name straight she fell a-weeping
And swore she was undone with keeping;
That Jermyn, Churchill had so drain'd her
She could not live on the remainder.
The Court said there was no record
Of any to that place restor'd,
Nor ought the King at these years venture,
When his prime could not content her.
Young Lady Jones stepp'd up and urg'd
She'd give the deed her father forg'd;
But she was told her family
Was tainted with Presbytery.
She said her mother with clean heart
And hands had lately done her part
In bringing Mazarin to bed,
Nor was't her fault the babe was dead.
Her sister, too, as all men know,
Had f--- as high and married low
As Belasyse, or any punk
Of late with royal seed made drunk.
For her Rowley own'd his passion,
But said he stood by declaration
Engaged, no matter of great weight
To pass 'till after some debate
In his great Council. So they adjourn'd,
And Colon to his flocks return'd,
Swearing there were at every fair
Blither girls than any there.
She'd give the deed her father forg'd;
But she was told her family
Was tainted with Presbytery.
She said her mother with clean heart
And hands had lately done her part
In bringing Mazarin to bed,
Nor was't her fault the babe was dead.
Her sister, too, as all men know,
Had f--- as high and married low
As Belasyse, or any punk
Of late with royal seed made drunk.
For her Rowley own'd his passion,
But said he stood by declaration
Engaged, no matter of great weight
To pass 'till after some debate
In his great Council. So they adjourn'd,
And Colon to his flocks return'd,
Swearing there were at every fair
Blither girls than any there.
| The Poems of Charles Sackville | |