Homer Alamode, The Second Part, In English Burlesque Or, a Mock-Poem upon the Ninth Book of Iliads. Invented for the Meridian of Cambridge, where the Pole of Wit is elevated by several degrees |
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Deuteripideuteron: THE SECOND PART OF THE Second Part OF HOMER ALAMODE.
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 | Homer Alamode, The Second Part, In English Burlesque |  |
2. Deuteripideuteron: THE SECOND PART OF THE Second Part OF HOMER ALAMODE.
Or, A MOCK-POEM ON The Ninth Book OF THE ODYSSES.
TO THE READER.
After
that of the Iliads read this of the Odysses,
And see, whether more grateful, or whether more Modish is;
But if neither do please you, as I'll hardly swear it,
When you've read it quite o're and dislike it, forbear it.
For he that rejects any Book without reading,
Shews more Malice than Prudence, more Humour than Breeding.
And see, whether more grateful, or whether more Modish is;
But if neither do please you, as I'll hardly swear it,
When you've read it quite o're and dislike it, forbear it.
Shews more Malice than Prudence, more Humour than Breeding.
THE Prefashion.
Ulysses you must understand
Sailing by Water, not by Land,
From a fair Lady call'd Calipsie,
Which in plain English was a Gypsie;
Sailing, I say, was on a sudden
Snatch'd from the very Helm he stood in,
By his Foe Neptune's Serjeant-Tritons;
Into whose hands when he did light once,
He was so dows'd and sows'd and beaten,
He look'd like one that had been eaten;
Because they did not him empannel,
But duckt him like a Water-Spaniel.
That being tost about i'th' Ocean
Some eight and forty hours motion,
Sea-sick and naked, he was cast
On the Phœnician Land at last.
Here one Alcinous reign'd, whose Scepter
And Crown, and Robes and Court was kept here.
Imagine now our man of Fame
In this King's house; but how he came
Thither, in troth you may go look,
For I'll not tell you in this Book:
But only how, when once they'd din'd,
The King and Queen had both a mind
To hear his story, and condition,
E'r since Troy taken by the Grecian.
And hereupon our Knight Ulysses
'Gan story in such form as this is—
But hold, I'll give you first the sum,
Then to the Speech it self I'll come.
Sailing by Water, not by Land,
From a fair Lady call'd Calipsie,
Which in plain English was a Gypsie;
Sailing, I say, was on a sudden
Snatch'd from the very Helm he stood in,
By his Foe Neptune's Serjeant-Tritons;
Into whose hands when he did light once,
He was so dows'd and sows'd and beaten,
He look'd like one that had been eaten;
Because they did not him empannel,
But duckt him like a Water-Spaniel.
That being tost about i'th' Ocean
Some eight and forty hours motion,
Sea-sick and naked, he was cast
On the Phœnician Land at last.
And Crown, and Robes and Court was kept here.
Imagine now our man of Fame
In this King's house; but how he came
Thither, in troth you may go look,
For I'll not tell you in this Book:
But only how, when once they'd din'd,
The King and Queen had both a mind
To hear his story, and condition,
E'r since Troy taken by the Grecian.
And hereupon our Knight Ulysses
'Gan story in such form as this is—
But hold, I'll give you first the sum,
Then to the Speech it self I'll come.
THE Ergo-ment.
Ulysses in this Book begins
A story of those Woes he reckons,
Were heap'd upon him for his sins,
And first how he was catcht by th' Cicons.
And then he tells a cursed Lie
Of People, that by smell do live (hum!)
Then to the Cyclop he do hie
And shews what welcome he did give 'um.
And how for eating up, unkindly
Six of his Men, he pok'd his Eye out;
And how this Giant groping blindly
About the Cave, let them all fly out.
A story of those Woes he reckons,
Were heap'd upon him for his sins,
And first how he was catcht by th' Cicons.
And then he tells a cursed Lie
Of People, that by smell do live (hum!)
Then to the Cyclop he do hie
And shews what welcome he did give 'um.
And how for eating up, unkindly
Six of his Men, he pok'd his Eye out;
And how this Giant groping blindly
About the Cave, let them all fly out.
ANOTHER Argument.
The
sum in these three words you'll find,
Cicons, Lotophagios, Cyclop blind.
Reader, if these Contents content you,
Now with the Chapter we present you.
Cicons, Lotophagios, Cyclop blind.
Reader, if these Contents content you,
Now with the Chapter we present you.
1
A MOCK-POEM Upon the Ninth Book OF HOMER's ODYSSES.
Then having
hawk'd and wip'd his Nose,
Ulysses did this Speech compose;
O thou renowned Duke Alcinous,
Of all men living the most generous!
I vow it likes me to the very heart
To hear your Fidler play with merry heart.
Who likewise doth in Fidling pass-so-well,
The Devil himself I think plays scarce-so-well.
And Faith 'twould be a very fine-thing
(If Commonwealths were of my coyning)
For all the People in the Town
To pass their Flaggons up and down,
And all the Madams in the City
To sit and sing their Bastards Ditty.
In the mean time I'ld have each Table
To be as thick as e're 'twas able
With all the Rarities that might-be,
Which in my mind would a brave sight-be.
And then I'ld have the Drawer Allestry,
And the Dutch Puff-cheeks too as well-as-he,
About the Table waiting stand
With an huge Gallon-pot in hand;
Which every one, till he was weary,
Should drink in's turn full of Canary.
'Tis to be hop'd the Turk or Russian
Will sometime bring up such a fashion;
Which, if it had been up before
Such sad Conundrums, and so sore
I ne'r had felt, which have befel-me,
And which I now intend to tell-ye.
Though the memory of them, ten to one
Will break my heart, and then I'm gone.
Yet what a Logger-head am I,
When for my guts I can't descry
Ought of my story head or tail?
But quickned by this draught of Ale,
(And then he rumbled down a Flaggin)
I'll thus begin without all braggin.
And first (A-hum!) I were to blame
If I should longer hide my Name ,
Because 'tis just oh Alcinous,
As we know you, so you should know us.
Then after many dangers dire,
Of Battel, Water, Land and Fire;
The men that in your house you see,
Why? who d'ye think it is, but me?
Yes, me my self, I'll tell you certes,
Ulysses, Son of old Laertes;
Who have (I speak it not in bravery)
Been famous o're the World for knavery,
For slight of hand and cunning brain,
And knowledge in Legerdemain.
My house doth stand some furlongs this-way,
In a small Island call'd Ithaca;
And in this place (I'll be exact)
There is a Mountain well compact,
Which (unless Homer me deceives)
Only gets fame by shaking leaves;
Whence many a Fool, that of it hears,
Thinks to get Fame by shaking's Ears.
About it many more Isles are
Near one another, or not far;
There is Zacunt and there is Samme,
And there is Du Du Duli (Damme
'Tis a hard Name) ô ô Dulichium,
All pretty Islands, Sir, how like ye-'um?
But Ithaca (as I said before)
Is the mid-Island; nay, and more
Lies towards the West, but all the other
That way, where we the Sun discover
A mornings when he goeth forth,
'T must needs be South, or East or North;
Unless perhaps, the Sun likes best
To rise, as well as set i'th' West.
Which Wise men think can hardly be;
But I think 'tmay, for how know we?
'Tis rough indeed like Lancashire;
But there are lusty Fellows there.
And truly that we count a good-place
Where we were born, though ne're so odd-place,
As I prefer'd in all my Travel.
My Country, though 'twas full of Gravel;
I'll tell you, once there was a Goddess
Calypso height, who put off Boddis
And Petticoat, nay, and fine Smock,
And there she shew'd her dainty Nock,
Plump Buttocks, Breasts, and trembling Thighs,
With many other Rarities.
And so did Circe; but I swore,
Still sight of Count**ry pleas'd me more:
And rather chose to leave them both
Than Ithaca, I'll take my Oath;
Though true in some consideration
I follow'd close my Occupation,
While I was with them; but brave house,
And juicy Girls not worth a Louse.
In a strange Country, where you know
Coin of our Language will not go;
And where a Clap if got, be sure,
Is alwaies very hard to cure.
But now I'll shew you through what hardship
I'm come at last unto your Lordship,
As was foretold me by one Jupiter,
As skilful in the Stars as Hugh-Peter.
Now when we'd hois'd our Sails from Troy,
Shouting and flinging Caps for joy;
As Devil would have it an huge high Wind
Came farting at our Poop behind;
And where d'ye think at last it pufft-us,
But to the Cicons, men that hufft-us?
Indeed I first destroy'd a Village,
And kill'd the People; but the pillage
I parted equally to all,
And then I did the Puppies call,
And bad them make good haste away;
But they like Fools must needs delay.
And many Hogsheads there of Wine
Were troll'd away, and many Kine
Were slain, and roasted on the shore,
But they that eat them eat no more.
For in the Interim (hud's Dicons!)
The Cicons rais'd their Neighbour Cicons.
Who in great multitudes did run,
Like Robin Hood and Little John,
And all their Yeomen Company,
In fury tow'rd my Men and me:
Indeed although I'm not judicious,
My nature being still suspicious,
I chanc'd to sally tow'rd my Boat ,
And left these Rogues to pay the shot.
Who ranting there it seems, and spewing,
The Foe came on to their undoing.
Bless me! how well they bang'd their Coats,
And with their own knives cut their Throats!
One had his head with Flaggon broke,
And never after one word spoke;
For Brains were dasht about his face
And a-la-mort he fell i'th' place.
Another, who was dead-drunk before,
Was kill'd outright now, which was more.
One that had got a Cicon's Wife,
Did ipso facto lose his life.
Another being knockt o're pitcher,
Cry'd, I desire Tomb no richer.
Never were
seen such thumps and bounces,
And blood, that ran in quarts, not ounces!
But Lord! I thought my self in heaven
To see such Sawce at Supper given.
And how by meer instinct of Nature
I chanc'd my self to 'scape that slaughter.
All morning long our Men, though drunk,
Being Pot-valiant never shrunk;
But when the Ev'ning did incline,
They went to bed before there time.
And being kill'd, they thought it best
To tumble down and take their rest.
Each Ship we had, as Fates did please,
Were lighter by six men a piece.
And all the rest, my self in chief,
Escap'd from death, but not from grief.
So thence we sail'd with weeping Cross,
Yet pleas'd that we surviv'd our loss.
But yet before we sail'd, I call'd
Thrice on those men, whom Foes had maul'd.
‘Sir Pushpin, George, and Ralph and Gregory,
‘Come, or else the Cicons will disfigure-ye.
‘Why Tom, why Humphry, Dick and Robin,
‘Why don't you hasten to your Cabbin?
‘Rowland and Jeoffery, Jack and Jeremy,
‘Prethee let us, not Charon, ferry ye.
‘Simon, Hugh, Simkin, Ned and Oliver,
‘For shame rowze up and venture all over.
‘All Gentlemen, you that were slain
‘Il'd have you to return again.
Thrice I these Names and more repeated,
Till my heart ak'd and blood was heated;
Then Wise men signifi'd unto me,
That all my noise no good would do me;
‘Because when men to Grave are gone, Sir,
‘They neither hear, nor can give Answer.
‘(They said moreover) though they should come
‘From them, there would but little good-come,
‘'Cause they would look as pale as Ashes,
‘And rotten as a Fruiterers trash is;
‘That they'ld do nought but lie like Lubbers,
‘So still, as ne'r to mind their Suppers;
‘And never on occasion fight;
‘Yet walk to frighten folks at night.
If dead Folks are, quoth I, so uncivil,
E'n let 'um go for me to th' Devil.
Then strait from Jove a whisking Wind-came,
Which plaid us all a very blind-game;
It heav'd our Cock-boats to the Skies,
And blew the Sea-dust in their Eyes.
The fizzing Tackles 'gan to roar,
While Clouds obscur'd both Sea and Shoar;
And no more light we saw for smoke,
Than you see money in my Poke.
Thus on the Star-board we were driven,
The Sails in forty pieces riven.
Which we laid down on Decks profoundly,
Expecting to be duckt now soundly.
But by and by a plaguy Blast,
Which we 'en thought would prove our last,
Drove us, as 'twere, with good intent,
And flapt us on the Continent.
There we two nights, and eke two days
Sat biting Lips (as Homer says;)
But when the third day 'gan t'appear,
We thought to sit no longer there
Owling, like very Fools or Wittols,
And never seeking out for Victuals.
So raising Masts and hoising Sails,
We shew'd our melancholy Tails
To the dull shoar; while Wind full sweet
And Pilot joyntly guide the Fleet.
And then, I think, we'd gone sheer home,
Had not the Sea begun to foam
At Boreas, who (while near Malæa
We sailed) pufft us out of the way:
So that at Sea nine days together,
We bandied were by wind and weather;
That, Lord! 'twas pity to behold.
What Changlings we appear'd, with cold.
But on the tenth day we came to a place
So strange, I think you never knew a place;
Th' Inhabitants no Victuals eat;
That is to say, no Bread nor Meat;
But only Flowers, and Posies dainty,
And Sage and Herb of Grace good plenty.
Nay silly puppies! you'll confess it,
They Water love beyond Sack-posset.
Here 'twas we landed, and at first
In solemn haste we quencht our thirst;
And after that to Supper fell.
But when we'd eat and drunk pell-mell,
I sent two Pages, and a Cryer,
And promis'd for their pains good hire,
If they would undertake sans fear,
To bring word what the People were.
They Pistols take, and Helmets clap-on,
For doubt of any thing should happen:
And so set forward like Couragious,
Till they came to these Lotophagios:
These Lotophagios, you must know,
Did outwardly no malice shew.
But silly fools with pleasant Posies,
And Flowers sweet held at their Noses;
They them perswade with all their Powers
To stay with them, and live on Flowers.
Our simple Rogues, worse fools than they,
Were so entic'd they swore to stay.
And so neglected to come to me
Till I was told by one that knew me,
(A Merchant, that was there by chance)
Then toward the Knaves I did advance
With Musquet, Pike, and Bandileers,
And brought 'um back again by th' Ears;
But they still bawl'd for flowers to diet 'um
Till with a rattle I did quiet 'um.
Now knowing well what fools the rest-were,
To bear them off, I took the best-care
That could be; lest they should have mind
To whine for Flowers, and stay behind.
‘Then said to them, good Sirs, if you-be
‘Mindful to view Hobode-boobe,
‘Or Bulbeggars, or th' old Witch goody Jones,
‘Or th' grisly thing Rawhead and Bloody-bones:
‘Then you may stay you here and see
‘The ugliest shapes of any be.
‘But I'll assure you they'll so swing-ye,
‘Youl'd wish your selves as far as th' Indie.
Then they took Ship, fearing old scores,
And shav'd gray Neptunes-beard with Oars;
Still sailing on with courage sorry,
Till to the Cyclop's Territory
They came: These Cyclops now I'll tell ye,
Do in their proper Country dwell ye.
Where trusting Jove won't let them starve
(Such kindness troth they don't deserve)
They never plant at all, nor plow,
But all things grow I know not how)
Red Wheat, Oats, Barly, and plump Vines,
Whose clusters yield them precious Wines.
Which Wines e'n crack both brains and guts;
Yet Jove forsooth this goodness puts
Into their Soil, and with large showers
Augments these Coxcombs fruits and flowers.
And yet the Clowns void of all Literature,
Do never keep Courts of Judicature,
Nor Common Pleas, nor Court of Conscience;
But live in Barbarism and Non-sence,
In horrid Caves on Mountains high,
In a confus'd Pantocracy.
For every man is there a King,
And rules his Wife in every thing;
Their Children are their Subjects only:
Thus they're true Fathers of their Country.
Who swaying royal Log in Paw,
Do value no one else a straw,
But only Subjects; and therefore
Ne'r help a forreign Prince next door.
Ulysses did this Speech compose;
O thou renowned Duke Alcinous,
Of all men living the most generous!
I vow it likes me to the very heart
To hear your Fidler play with merry heart.
2
The Devil himself I think plays scarce-so-well.
And Faith 'twould be a very fine-thing
(If Commonwealths were of my coyning)
For all the People in the Town
To pass their Flaggons up and down,
And all the Madams in the City
To sit and sing their Bastards Ditty.
In the mean time I'ld have each Table
To be as thick as e're 'twas able
With all the Rarities that might-be,
Which in my mind would a brave sight-be.
And then I'ld have the Drawer Allestry,
And the Dutch Puff-cheeks too as well-as-he,
About the Table waiting stand
With an huge Gallon-pot in hand;
Which every one, till he was weary,
Should drink in's turn full of Canary.
'Tis to be hop'd the Turk or Russian
Will sometime bring up such a fashion;
3
Such sad Conundrums, and so sore
I ne'r had felt, which have befel-me,
And which I now intend to tell-ye.
Though the memory of them, ten to one
Will break my heart, and then I'm gone.
Yet what a Logger-head am I,
When for my guts I can't descry
Ought of my story head or tail?
But quickned by this draught of Ale,
(And then he rumbled down a Flaggin)
I'll thus begin without all braggin.
And first (A-hum!) I were to blame
If I should longer hide my Name ,
Because 'tis just oh Alcinous,
As we know you, so you should know us.
Then after many dangers dire,
Of Battel, Water, Land and Fire;
The men that in your house you see,
Why? who d'ye think it is, but me?
4
Ulysses, Son of old Laertes;
Who have (I speak it not in bravery)
Been famous o're the World for knavery,
For slight of hand and cunning brain,
And knowledge in Legerdemain.
My house doth stand some furlongs this-way,
In a small Island call'd Ithaca;
And in this place (I'll be exact)
There is a Mountain well compact,
Which (unless Homer me deceives)
Only gets fame by shaking leaves;
Whence many a Fool, that of it hears,
Thinks to get Fame by shaking's Ears.
About it many more Isles are
Near one another, or not far;
There is Zacunt and there is Samme,
And there is Du Du Duli (Damme
'Tis a hard Name) ô ô Dulichium,
All pretty Islands, Sir, how like ye-'um?
5
Is the mid-Island; nay, and more
Lies towards the West, but all the other
That way, where we the Sun discover
A mornings when he goeth forth,
'T must needs be South, or East or North;
Unless perhaps, the Sun likes best
To rise, as well as set i'th' West.
Which Wise men think can hardly be;
But I think 'tmay, for how know we?
'Tis rough indeed like Lancashire;
But there are lusty Fellows there.
And truly that we count a good-place
Where we were born, though ne're so odd-place,
As I prefer'd in all my Travel.
My Country, though 'twas full of Gravel;
I'll tell you, once there was a Goddess
Calypso height, who put off Boddis
And Petticoat, nay, and fine Smock,
And there she shew'd her dainty Nock,
6
With many other Rarities.
And so did Circe; but I swore,
Still sight of Count**ry pleas'd me more:
And rather chose to leave them both
Than Ithaca, I'll take my Oath;
Though true in some consideration
I follow'd close my Occupation,
While I was with them; but brave house,
And juicy Girls not worth a Louse.
In a strange Country, where you know
Coin of our Language will not go;
And where a Clap if got, be sure,
Is alwaies very hard to cure.
But now I'll shew you through what hardship
I'm come at last unto your Lordship,
As was foretold me by one Jupiter,
As skilful in the Stars as Hugh-Peter.
7
Shouting and flinging Caps for joy;
As Devil would have it an huge high Wind
Came farting at our Poop behind;
And where d'ye think at last it pufft-us,
But to the Cicons, men that hufft-us?
Indeed I first destroy'd a Village,
And kill'd the People; but the pillage
I parted equally to all,
And then I did the Puppies call,
And bad them make good haste away;
But they like Fools must needs delay.
And many Hogsheads there of Wine
Were troll'd away, and many Kine
Were slain, and roasted on the shore,
But they that eat them eat no more.
For in the Interim (hud's Dicons!)
The Cicons rais'd their Neighbour Cicons.
Who in great multitudes did run,
Like Robin Hood and Little John,
8
In fury tow'rd my Men and me:
Indeed although I'm not judicious,
My nature being still suspicious,
I chanc'd to sally tow'rd my Boat ,
And left these Rogues to pay the shot.
Who ranting there it seems, and spewing,
The Foe came on to their undoing.
Bless me! how well they bang'd their Coats,
And with their own knives cut their Throats!
One had his head with Flaggon broke,
And never after one word spoke;
For Brains were dasht about his face
And a-la-mort he fell i'th' place.
Another, who was dead-drunk before,
Was kill'd outright now, which was more.
One that had got a Cicon's Wife,
Did ipso facto lose his life.
Another being knockt o're pitcher,
Cry'd, I desire Tomb no richer.
9
And blood, that ran in quarts, not ounces!
But Lord! I thought my self in heaven
To see such Sawce at Supper given.
And how by meer instinct of Nature
I chanc'd my self to 'scape that slaughter.
All morning long our Men, though drunk,
Being Pot-valiant never shrunk;
But when the Ev'ning did incline,
They went to bed before there time.
And being kill'd, they thought it best
To tumble down and take their rest.
Each Ship we had, as Fates did please,
Were lighter by six men a piece.
And all the rest, my self in chief,
Escap'd from death, but not from grief.
So thence we sail'd with weeping Cross,
Yet pleas'd that we surviv'd our loss.
But yet before we sail'd, I call'd
Thrice on those men, whom Foes had maul'd.
10
‘Come, or else the Cicons will disfigure-ye.
‘Why Tom, why Humphry, Dick and Robin,
‘Why don't you hasten to your Cabbin?
‘Rowland and Jeoffery, Jack and Jeremy,
‘Prethee let us, not Charon, ferry ye.
‘Simon, Hugh, Simkin, Ned and Oliver,
‘For shame rowze up and venture all over.
‘All Gentlemen, you that were slain
‘Il'd have you to return again.
Thrice I these Names and more repeated,
Till my heart ak'd and blood was heated;
Then Wise men signifi'd unto me,
That all my noise no good would do me;
‘Because when men to Grave are gone, Sir,
‘They neither hear, nor can give Answer.
‘(They said moreover) though they should come
‘From them, there would but little good-come,
11
‘And rotten as a Fruiterers trash is;
‘That they'ld do nought but lie like Lubbers,
‘So still, as ne'r to mind their Suppers;
‘And never on occasion fight;
‘Yet walk to frighten folks at night.
If dead Folks are, quoth I, so uncivil,
E'n let 'um go for me to th' Devil.
Then strait from Jove a whisking Wind-came,
Which plaid us all a very blind-game;
It heav'd our Cock-boats to the Skies,
And blew the Sea-dust in their Eyes.
The fizzing Tackles 'gan to roar,
While Clouds obscur'd both Sea and Shoar;
And no more light we saw for smoke,
Than you see money in my Poke.
Thus on the Star-board we were driven,
The Sails in forty pieces riven.
Which we laid down on Decks profoundly,
Expecting to be duckt now soundly.
12
Which we 'en thought would prove our last,
Drove us, as 'twere, with good intent,
And flapt us on the Continent.
There we two nights, and eke two days
Sat biting Lips (as Homer says;)
But when the third day 'gan t'appear,
We thought to sit no longer there
Owling, like very Fools or Wittols,
And never seeking out for Victuals.
So raising Masts and hoising Sails,
We shew'd our melancholy Tails
To the dull shoar; while Wind full sweet
And Pilot joyntly guide the Fleet.
And then, I think, we'd gone sheer home,
Had not the Sea begun to foam
At Boreas, who (while near Malæa
We sailed) pufft us out of the way:
So that at Sea nine days together,
We bandied were by wind and weather;
13
What Changlings we appear'd, with cold.
But on the tenth day we came to a place
So strange, I think you never knew a place;
Th' Inhabitants no Victuals eat;
That is to say, no Bread nor Meat;
But only Flowers, and Posies dainty,
And Sage and Herb of Grace good plenty.
Nay silly puppies! you'll confess it,
They Water love beyond Sack-posset.
Here 'twas we landed, and at first
In solemn haste we quencht our thirst;
And after that to Supper fell.
But when we'd eat and drunk pell-mell,
I sent two Pages, and a Cryer,
And promis'd for their pains good hire,
If they would undertake sans fear,
To bring word what the People were.
They Pistols take, and Helmets clap-on,
For doubt of any thing should happen:
14
Till they came to these Lotophagios:
These Lotophagios, you must know,
Did outwardly no malice shew.
But silly fools with pleasant Posies,
And Flowers sweet held at their Noses;
They them perswade with all their Powers
To stay with them, and live on Flowers.
Our simple Rogues, worse fools than they,
Were so entic'd they swore to stay.
And so neglected to come to me
Till I was told by one that knew me,
(A Merchant, that was there by chance)
Then toward the Knaves I did advance
With Musquet, Pike, and Bandileers,
And brought 'um back again by th' Ears;
But they still bawl'd for flowers to diet 'um
Till with a rattle I did quiet 'um.
Now knowing well what fools the rest-were,
To bear them off, I took the best-care
15
To whine for Flowers, and stay behind.
‘Then said to them, good Sirs, if you-be
‘Mindful to view Hobode-boobe,
‘Or Bulbeggars, or th' old Witch goody Jones,
‘Or th' grisly thing Rawhead and Bloody-bones:
‘Then you may stay you here and see
‘The ugliest shapes of any be.
‘But I'll assure you they'll so swing-ye,
‘Youl'd wish your selves as far as th' Indie.
Then they took Ship, fearing old scores,
And shav'd gray Neptunes-beard with Oars;
Still sailing on with courage sorry,
Till to the Cyclop's Territory
They came: These Cyclops now I'll tell ye,
Do in their proper Country dwell ye.
Where trusting Jove won't let them starve
(Such kindness troth they don't deserve)
16
But all things grow I know not how)
Red Wheat, Oats, Barly, and plump Vines,
Whose clusters yield them precious Wines.
Which Wines e'n crack both brains and guts;
Yet Jove forsooth this goodness puts
Into their Soil, and with large showers
Augments these Coxcombs fruits and flowers.
And yet the Clowns void of all Literature,
Do never keep Courts of Judicature,
Nor Common Pleas, nor Court of Conscience;
But live in Barbarism and Non-sence,
In horrid Caves on Mountains high,
In a confus'd Pantocracy.
For every man is there a King,
And rules his Wife in every thing;
Their Children are their Subjects only:
Thus they're true Fathers of their Country.
17
Do value no one else a straw,
But only Subjects; and therefore
Ne'r help a forreign Prince next door.
There is a little Isle hard by 'um,
Not very far, nor very nigh 'um.
There are some Woods in this same Isle,
And in these Woods are bred the while
A hugeous many bearded Creatures,
Call'd Goats; good things, they say, for Eaters.
And in this Island they abound,
Because no footsteps there are found.
Which thing proceeds, as Authors say,
Because no Mortals walk that way;
No Huntsmen enter here with Dogs,
To hunt for Goats, or rowze the Hogs.
Nor is it spoil'd by flocks or ploughing,
But things come there of their own growing.
For Cyclops, whom before I mention'd,
In troth are not so good invention'd,
To make them Ships, nor have they Monies,
To set out Fleets, or raise Colonies
As other Nations do, whose wiles
Find way t'inhabit such good Isles.
But though unpeopled this same place-is,
Yet not unworthy greater grace 'tis;
For there are Meadows there, I warrant-ye,
And Vines that creep on very gallantly.
But for a Plough there's no Land like-it,
It is so soft for share to strike-it.
So that yould reap a thwacking harvest,
The ground's so fat and fit for service.
Moreover I observ'd an Haven
To which there is such virtue given,
That there's no need of Rope or Anchor,
But only such as there do hanker,
Will find what e're they wish to happen,
As if they'd Fortunatus Cap-on,
Either to stay there, or be gone-Sir,
'Tis only wishing and 'tis done-Sir.
And from this Haven's head, a brave
Spring gushes forth from dismal Cave,
Which inward swells with bubling Billows,
But is beset about with Willows.
Just here it was we touch'd the Land,
Brought by some Wizzard's Magick-wand,
I'th' night, I think, for we ne'r knew-it
Before we suddenly came to-it.
Nor till we felt it could we see
The Moon, or any Wood for Tree.
Not very far, nor very nigh 'um.
There are some Woods in this same Isle,
And in these Woods are bred the while
A hugeous many bearded Creatures,
Call'd Goats; good things, they say, for Eaters.
And in this Island they abound,
Because no footsteps there are found.
Which thing proceeds, as Authors say,
Because no Mortals walk that way;
No Huntsmen enter here with Dogs,
To hunt for Goats, or rowze the Hogs.
Nor is it spoil'd by flocks or ploughing,
But things come there of their own growing.
For Cyclops, whom before I mention'd,
In troth are not so good invention'd,
18
To set out Fleets, or raise Colonies
As other Nations do, whose wiles
Find way t'inhabit such good Isles.
But though unpeopled this same place-is,
Yet not unworthy greater grace 'tis;
For there are Meadows there, I warrant-ye,
And Vines that creep on very gallantly.
But for a Plough there's no Land like-it,
It is so soft for share to strike-it.
So that yould reap a thwacking harvest,
The ground's so fat and fit for service.
Moreover I observ'd an Haven
To which there is such virtue given,
That there's no need of Rope or Anchor,
But only such as there do hanker,
Will find what e're they wish to happen,
As if they'd Fortunatus Cap-on,
Either to stay there, or be gone-Sir,
'Tis only wishing and 'tis done-Sir.
19
Spring gushes forth from dismal Cave,
Which inward swells with bubling Billows,
But is beset about with Willows.
Just here it was we touch'd the Land,
Brought by some Wizzard's Magick-wand,
I'th' night, I think, for we ne'r knew-it
Before we suddenly came to-it.
Nor till we felt it could we see
The Moon, or any Wood for Tree.
But when I wish'd us safe in Haven,
Strait this effect to wish was given,
That close to Land our Fleet was brought.
O wondrous power think I, of thought!
Then we hal'd in our Sails, fear scorning
And on the shoar we slept till Morning.
But when Aurora 'gan to peep,
Unscrewing, as it were, from sleep
Our glew'd up Eyes, we rose to prayer,
Then wandred, wondring, here and there,
To see the sweetness of the-Isle;
But we set out some Whores the while,
Who being cunning Jades, begun
To hoop and screek till Goats did run.
Being unaccustom'd to such noise
Under the Noses of my Boys;
Who now stood armed in three Squadrons,
With Dog, Rapiers, and Leather-Aprons.
But with their Cross-bows in conclusion
I think they did most execution.
Twelve Ships there were in all my Navy,
To each whereof nine Groats Jove gave me.
But ten fell only to my share,
As being worth an hundred there.
There then we sat, as I'm a Sinner,
From morn to night at one long dinner,
Tearing good Veal, and then to carry't
Down our glib Throats; we gorged Claret;
Which lasted still, for you must know
That when we gave that overthrow
Unto the Cicons, as aforesaid,
We took from them full many a Boars-head.
Or (all's one) Hogshead of Wine,
Which serv'd us rarely at this time.
From hence, while I was wiping my-chops
I chanc'd to spy the Land of Cyclops;
And saw the smoak, and heard some riot,
But now thought I, 'tis best be quiet
Till belly's full: So I took heed
Nothing to do, but Guts to feed
Till they were e'n ready to crack-agen,
But Jove be thank'd some flew back-agen,
By help of finger thrust in Throat,
A trick of Drunkards you must note.
But when the Sun was seen no more,
We tumbled all upon the shore,
O're Dishes, Pots and Cans (uds Diggars)
And there we lay as drunk as Beggars,
Snoring until the Day did dawn;
When slipping on clean Band of Lawn,
Gartars and Cuffs in order micle,
I chanc'd to call a Conventicle;
Where having blam'd their last nights diziness,
Although I lik'd no drinking business,
I made them such a Speech as this is,
‘Gentlemen Souldiers, whom Ulysses
‘Doth under his Command maintain,
‘I'll tell you what; Do you remain
‘Here every one, while I e'n trip
‘With my Companions, and one Ship
‘To that same Island which you see-there,
‘Only to know what People be there;
‘Whether they're merry and will toss-a-Kan,
‘Or whether they delight to cross-a-man.
So going first abroad, I hallow'd
To my Companions till they follow'd,
And presently did take their place,
Rowing with Doublets off, apace.
Thus in the Ship, whilst they so ply'd her,
I ply'd my Genius with good Sider.
Yet scarce could smoak but three Pipes clean off,
And drink of Bottles some fifteen off.
When sooner far than my expecting
I touch'd the Shoar; whence eyes directing
I plainly saw (or I'm a Knave)
A very large substantial Cave
By the Sea-side: the entrance was very
Well stuck about with Bays and Rosemary.
There many Cattel, Sheep and Goats too
Did sleep, instead of Folds and Coats too.
Hard by a Stable you might see
Of Turds, and such like trumpery;
And there did live a monstrous fellow
Ten times as big as Punchanello;
Nay, full as big (I scorn to lie-a)
As Colbrond, Rumbo, or Goliah,
As Gogmagog or Ascapart;
Who kept forsooth his Sheep apart,
And did no company frequent,
Because he had no good intent.
And faith he was a wondrous Creature,
Not like a man yclep'd Corn eater.
But if alone you ever found-him,
You'ld take him for some woody Mountain.
His Head so like the top appears,
To Caves you might compare his Ears;
Each Tooth he had seem'd a sharp Quarry,
And his Red snout a Promontory.
Like Leaves of Trees appear'd his Locks,
And's gouty Shanks were just like Rocks.
He was in bulk like Spanish Carick,
But good of heart as Guy of Warwick.
A desperate thing for Joques and clinches,
And a stout fellow of his Inches .
Strait this effect to wish was given,
That close to Land our Fleet was brought.
O wondrous power think I, of thought!
Then we hal'd in our Sails, fear scorning
And on the shoar we slept till Morning.
But when Aurora 'gan to peep,
Unscrewing, as it were, from sleep
Our glew'd up Eyes, we rose to prayer,
Then wandred, wondring, here and there,
20
But we set out some Whores the while,
Who being cunning Jades, begun
To hoop and screek till Goats did run.
Being unaccustom'd to such noise
Under the Noses of my Boys;
Who now stood armed in three Squadrons,
With Dog, Rapiers, and Leather-Aprons.
But with their Cross-bows in conclusion
I think they did most execution.
Twelve Ships there were in all my Navy,
To each whereof nine Groats Jove gave me.
But ten fell only to my share,
As being worth an hundred there.
There then we sat, as I'm a Sinner,
From morn to night at one long dinner,
Tearing good Veal, and then to carry't
Down our glib Throats; we gorged Claret;
Which lasted still, for you must know
That when we gave that overthrow
21
We took from them full many a Boars-head.
Or (all's one) Hogshead of Wine,
Which serv'd us rarely at this time.
From hence, while I was wiping my-chops
I chanc'd to spy the Land of Cyclops;
And saw the smoak, and heard some riot,
But now thought I, 'tis best be quiet
Till belly's full: So I took heed
Nothing to do, but Guts to feed
Till they were e'n ready to crack-agen,
But Jove be thank'd some flew back-agen,
By help of finger thrust in Throat,
A trick of Drunkards you must note.
But when the Sun was seen no more,
We tumbled all upon the shore,
O're Dishes, Pots and Cans (uds Diggars)
And there we lay as drunk as Beggars,
Snoring until the Day did dawn;
When slipping on clean Band of Lawn,
22
I chanc'd to call a Conventicle;
Where having blam'd their last nights diziness,
Although I lik'd no drinking business,
I made them such a Speech as this is,
‘Gentlemen Souldiers, whom Ulysses
‘Doth under his Command maintain,
‘I'll tell you what; Do you remain
‘Here every one, while I e'n trip
‘With my Companions, and one Ship
‘To that same Island which you see-there,
‘Only to know what People be there;
‘Whether they're merry and will toss-a-Kan,
‘Or whether they delight to cross-a-man.
So going first abroad, I hallow'd
To my Companions till they follow'd,
And presently did take their place,
Rowing with Doublets off, apace.
Thus in the Ship, whilst they so ply'd her,
I ply'd my Genius with good Sider.
23
And drink of Bottles some fifteen off.
When sooner far than my expecting
I touch'd the Shoar; whence eyes directing
I plainly saw (or I'm a Knave)
A very large substantial Cave
By the Sea-side: the entrance was very
Well stuck about with Bays and Rosemary.
There many Cattel, Sheep and Goats too
Did sleep, instead of Folds and Coats too.
Hard by a Stable you might see
Of Turds, and such like trumpery;
And there did live a monstrous fellow
Ten times as big as Punchanello;
Nay, full as big (I scorn to lie-a)
As Colbrond, Rumbo, or Goliah,
As Gogmagog or Ascapart;
Who kept forsooth his Sheep apart,
And did no company frequent,
Because he had no good intent.
24
Not like a man yclep'd Corn eater.
But if alone you ever found-him,
You'ld take him for some woody Mountain.
His Head so like the top appears,
To Caves you might compare his Ears;
Each Tooth he had seem'd a sharp Quarry,
And his Red snout a Promontory.
Like Leaves of Trees appear'd his Locks,
And's gouty Shanks were just like Rocks.
He was in bulk like Spanish Carick,
But good of heart as Guy of Warwick.
A desperate thing for Joques and clinches,
And a stout fellow of his Inches .
Here with my Ship, I bad the rest
To stay and look to't they were best,
Only selecting twelve most stout,
With port Majesty I march'd out,
Taking a Cask of Wine to boot
(Good company for men on foot.)
Now this same Wine (pray give me leave
To tell you) I did once receive
From Maron, old Evanthes Son,
And Phœbus, Priest in Ismaron;
Because when we that City spoil'd,
I sav'd his Wife, being then with Child
From ravishing (such things you know
Souldiers to Captive Women do;)
'Cause he was holy to Apollo;
For which good turn the hgrateful fellow
Gave me seven pounds, lest I should pilfer;
And eke a Plate of massy Silver.
But as the crown of all, in fine,
Twelve bottles of the best French Wine
He gave me unsophisticated,
So that his strength was nought abated.
He'ld let no Creature know where 'twas,
But he his Wise, and one young Lass.
And therefore kept the Keys himself,
The best way to secure his pelf.
When he this Liquor us'd to drink,
He'ld always blend clear Water in't,
Twenty times more than Wine, and yet
Such sober draughts would drown his wit,
And the very scent would smell so far,
One could not for his life forbear:
A Cask top full I had of this,
And in my Pouch good Bread and Cheese,
To pacifie all kind of fury.
For well my fore-sight did assure me,
Some devilish fellow we should find there,
That lov'd not Justice like such fine fare.
But when we to the Cave were come,
The Man o'th' house was not at home;
But in the Meadows fed his Cattel,
While we made's Houshold-stuff to rattle.
And seeing Cheeses cram'd in baskets,
With huge brown-Georges in the Flasquets,
And Lambs and Kids in their enclosures.
I said to my Companions,—O Sirs!
‘I need not tell you what to do here,
‘And so you're welcome, pray fall too here.
Then we on Cream and Custards fell,
And slasht the Cheese about pellmell;
And having done, with store of Prog
We thought t'escape; but lo! the Dog,
As out of door I popt my head
Was trudging tow'rd the Cave with speed,
With a huge Log of Wood in's Paw
As thick and long as Joves -ha-haw!
And with the other hand he plaid
On an old Whistle he had made.
At sight of this we pull'd our Ear-in,
Expecting to be sold for Herring.
When down he flung his Log so cruel
(Which he had brought for Supper-fuel)
At the Caves mouth with such a din,
'T made our bones rattle in our skin.
Whence we sought out for hiding-places,
Being frighted with his Monkey-faces.
He Flocks and Kine drove in before him,
But left their Hees without doors roaring.
But I suppose th' ill-fayour'd Else
Would hardly be serv'd so himself.
And then he clapt a plaguy Stone
Before the door, (or else we'd gone)
This Stone, Sir, threescore lusty men
For guts could not remove agen;
But yet with this he barr'd the door,
As I did intimate before.
And then the Hedge-hog fell to milking,
And sang as he would tear the Welkin,
At's work; which when he'd done by halves,
Under the Dams they put the Calves.
Then half the Milk (which Homer says
And proves, was white in former days)
He having curdled, did set up
Against the time that he should Sup.
The other half he let alone,
To drink when all the Ale was gone.
After these works he thus did handle,
He light a hugeous Christmas Candle;
And having wisely snufft the Wick,
And stuck it in Clay Candle-stick.
Observing some of us to squutter
(The effect of fear) he cry'd, Fah! out-here.
And looking heedfully about-him
He spy'd our Men, and thus did flout-'um.
‘Ye shitten Rascals, pray what weather
‘Did drive such stinking foisters hither?
‘For I suppose by Sea you came
‘Rather to steal, than purchase Fame;
‘Whether you Pilots be or Pirates,
‘Id est, or water-Rats or dry-Rats.
‘Cox-bones! I've here got such a Mowser,
‘Will worry you like any Towser.
‘At which fierce Speech again they squutter'd,
And one behind the other flutter'd,
For fear of's Sawcer-eye, and eke
To hear him like a Cannon speak.
Yet plucking up good heart of grace,
I made this answer in short space,
(Stopping loose Podex with my finger,
Lest any thing, you know, should hinder.)
‘We're Greeks, my little sweet Pigsny!
‘That late have trod our shoes awry;
‘Thinking from Troy to sail strait home,
‘But (see the chance) we're hither come.
‘Perhaps Jove shew'd us all this hardship,
‘In love t'acquaint us with your Lordship.
‘And truly I one Crown would spend,
‘To purchase such a bouncing friend,
‘One Duke Agamemnon we serv'd,
‘Whose Fame's as great, as he deserv'd;
‘For burning a renowned City,
‘And killing folks, the more's the pity.
‘But after all we're here arriv'd,
And at your sweaty Toes, being griev'd,
‘We humbly beg upon our knees
‘Youl'd help us to some Bread and Cheese.
‘Thus Lads unto their Strangers do,
‘Nay sometimes give Anchovies too,
‘Neat-tongue, or Tart, or plate of Ale;
‘But seldom they of all things fail.
‘Do you do thus, ô Gundy Hero!
‘And wel'd sing Songs of old Rogero,
‘Renaldo, Sacrapont, and—so so,
‘And of Orlando Furioso.
‘But if you should not do't, alack!
‘I fear lest Jove should soundly thwack
‘Your Worships bones; for Jove you know
‘Was evermore a good Fellow.
‘Thus I collogu'd, but he cry'd fiercely,
‘Or you're a fool, or know me scarcely,
‘To put me thus in mind of Jove,
‘Whom Ciclops neither fear nor love;
‘Nor any other gods, for we
‘Are greater than those Fellows be.
‘Wherefore for Jove's sake I'ld ne'r spare you,
‘Were it not for the love I bear you;
‘But tell me quickly I advise,
‘Where now your Ship at Anchor lies,
‘Whether far off, or near our Land;
‘Only that I may understand.
Thus did that cunning Sneak-nose tempt me,
Hoping by wiles to circumvent me,
But I soon div'd into his mind,
And paid him thus in his own kind.
‘Kind Sir, the Earth-conturbing Neptune,
‘Of all our Ships hath now not left one;
‘For all the rest being wrackt before-a,
‘He broke the last upon your shoar-ah!
‘And there it in a Whirl-pool perisht,
‘Only we're left, and we half famisht.
Pox o'th' last word, which rhime forc't to make,
For I believe it rais'd his stomack:
So that he answer'd nought to any-on's,
But clapt his paws on my Companions.
And picking out two that were fed most,
He dasht their brains against the Bed-post;
Brains (though but few) fell on the ground,
Commixt with blood, and there this Hound
Tearing them piece-meal with gub-teeth,
Sat down and eat them just like Beef.
First he their Thighs devour'd gladly,
Then on their yellow Buttocks fed he,
Nay guts and garbage, which looks nastily;
One would-not eat a Turd so hastily,
As he their flesh and bones did swallow;
Nay made the very Pr---s to follow;
And sav'd the Piss, that ran down heels,
In a huge Bowl, to drink at meals.
We durst not say one accent to him,
Nor did we wish, Much good might do him
Or t'eat with him; but in sad wise
Lifted to Jove hearts, hands and eyes,
That he as angry as old Hannibal
Would punish this same wicked Cannibal;
On's own account, as well as ours,
Because he slighted goddish Powers.
To stay and look to't they were best,
Only selecting twelve most stout,
With port Majesty I march'd out,
Taking a Cask of Wine to boot
(Good company for men on foot.)
25
To tell you) I did once receive
From Maron, old Evanthes Son,
And Phœbus, Priest in Ismaron;
Because when we that City spoil'd,
I sav'd his Wife, being then with Child
From ravishing (such things you know
Souldiers to Captive Women do;)
'Cause he was holy to Apollo;
For which good turn the hgrateful fellow
Gave me seven pounds, lest I should pilfer;
And eke a Plate of massy Silver.
But as the crown of all, in fine,
Twelve bottles of the best French Wine
He gave me unsophisticated,
So that his strength was nought abated.
He'ld let no Creature know where 'twas,
But he his Wise, and one young Lass.
And therefore kept the Keys himself,
The best way to secure his pelf.
26
He'ld always blend clear Water in't,
Twenty times more than Wine, and yet
Such sober draughts would drown his wit,
And the very scent would smell so far,
One could not for his life forbear:
A Cask top full I had of this,
And in my Pouch good Bread and Cheese,
To pacifie all kind of fury.
For well my fore-sight did assure me,
Some devilish fellow we should find there,
That lov'd not Justice like such fine fare.
But when we to the Cave were come,
The Man o'th' house was not at home;
But in the Meadows fed his Cattel,
While we made's Houshold-stuff to rattle.
And seeing Cheeses cram'd in baskets,
With huge brown-Georges in the Flasquets,
27
I said to my Companions,—O Sirs!
‘I need not tell you what to do here,
‘And so you're welcome, pray fall too here.
Then we on Cream and Custards fell,
And slasht the Cheese about pellmell;
And having done, with store of Prog
We thought t'escape; but lo! the Dog,
As out of door I popt my head
Was trudging tow'rd the Cave with speed,
With a huge Log of Wood in's Paw
As thick and long as Joves -ha-haw!
And with the other hand he plaid
On an old Whistle he had made.
At sight of this we pull'd our Ear-in,
Expecting to be sold for Herring.
When down he flung his Log so cruel
(Which he had brought for Supper-fuel)
At the Caves mouth with such a din,
'T made our bones rattle in our skin.
28
Being frighted with his Monkey-faces.
He Flocks and Kine drove in before him,
But left their Hees without doors roaring.
But I suppose th' ill-fayour'd Else
Would hardly be serv'd so himself.
And then he clapt a plaguy Stone
Before the door, (or else we'd gone)
This Stone, Sir, threescore lusty men
For guts could not remove agen;
But yet with this he barr'd the door,
As I did intimate before.
And then the Hedge-hog fell to milking,
And sang as he would tear the Welkin,
At's work; which when he'd done by halves,
Under the Dams they put the Calves.
Then half the Milk (which Homer says
And proves, was white in former days)
He having curdled, did set up
Against the time that he should Sup.
29
To drink when all the Ale was gone.
After these works he thus did handle,
He light a hugeous Christmas Candle;
And having wisely snufft the Wick,
And stuck it in Clay Candle-stick.
Observing some of us to squutter
(The effect of fear) he cry'd, Fah! out-here.
And looking heedfully about-him
He spy'd our Men, and thus did flout-'um.
‘Ye shitten Rascals, pray what weather
‘Did drive such stinking foisters hither?
‘For I suppose by Sea you came
‘Rather to steal, than purchase Fame;
‘Whether you Pilots be or Pirates,
‘Id est, or water-Rats or dry-Rats.
‘Cox-bones! I've here got such a Mowser,
‘Will worry you like any Towser.
‘At which fierce Speech again they squutter'd,
And one behind the other flutter'd,
30
To hear him like a Cannon speak.
Yet plucking up good heart of grace,
I made this answer in short space,
(Stopping loose Podex with my finger,
Lest any thing, you know, should hinder.)
‘We're Greeks, my little sweet Pigsny!
‘That late have trod our shoes awry;
‘Thinking from Troy to sail strait home,
‘But (see the chance) we're hither come.
‘Perhaps Jove shew'd us all this hardship,
‘In love t'acquaint us with your Lordship.
‘And truly I one Crown would spend,
‘To purchase such a bouncing friend,
‘One Duke Agamemnon we serv'd,
‘Whose Fame's as great, as he deserv'd;
‘For burning a renowned City,
‘And killing folks, the more's the pity.
‘But after all we're here arriv'd,
And at your sweaty Toes, being griev'd,
31
‘Youl'd help us to some Bread and Cheese.
‘Thus Lads unto their Strangers do,
‘Nay sometimes give Anchovies too,
‘Neat-tongue, or Tart, or plate of Ale;
‘But seldom they of all things fail.
‘Do you do thus, ô Gundy Hero!
‘And wel'd sing Songs of old Rogero,
‘Renaldo, Sacrapont, and—so so,
‘And of Orlando Furioso.
‘But if you should not do't, alack!
‘I fear lest Jove should soundly thwack
‘Your Worships bones; for Jove you know
‘Was evermore a good Fellow.
‘Thus I collogu'd, but he cry'd fiercely,
‘Or you're a fool, or know me scarcely,
‘To put me thus in mind of Jove,
‘Whom Ciclops neither fear nor love;
‘Nor any other gods, for we
‘Are greater than those Fellows be.
32
‘Were it not for the love I bear you;
‘But tell me quickly I advise,
‘Where now your Ship at Anchor lies,
‘Whether far off, or near our Land;
‘Only that I may understand.
Thus did that cunning Sneak-nose tempt me,
Hoping by wiles to circumvent me,
But I soon div'd into his mind,
And paid him thus in his own kind.
‘Kind Sir, the Earth-conturbing Neptune,
‘Of all our Ships hath now not left one;
‘For all the rest being wrackt before-a,
‘He broke the last upon your shoar-ah!
‘And there it in a Whirl-pool perisht,
‘Only we're left, and we half famisht.
Pox o'th' last word, which rhime forc't to make,
For I believe it rais'd his stomack:
So that he answer'd nought to any-on's,
But clapt his paws on my Companions.
33
He dasht their brains against the Bed-post;
Brains (though but few) fell on the ground,
Commixt with blood, and there this Hound
Tearing them piece-meal with gub-teeth,
Sat down and eat them just like Beef.
First he their Thighs devour'd gladly,
Then on their yellow Buttocks fed he,
Nay guts and garbage, which looks nastily;
One would-not eat a Turd so hastily,
As he their flesh and bones did swallow;
Nay made the very Pr---s to follow;
And sav'd the Piss, that ran down heels,
In a huge Bowl, to drink at meals.
We durst not say one accent to him,
Nor did we wish, Much good might do him
Or t'eat with him; but in sad wise
Lifted to Jove hearts, hands and eyes,
That he as angry as old Hannibal
Would punish this same wicked Cannibal;
34
Because he slighted goddish Powers.
But when this whelp had cram'd his Weazon
With humane flesh, and Piss that season,
He drops him down among his Sheep,
Plaguily snoring in his sleep.
By this I had such Courage got,
Which desperation had made hot,
That with Morglay, I thought to part
The Monster's midriff from his heart.
But if the Puppy had been slain,
We had been forced to remain
Till we should starve in Cave alone;
Because we could not stir the Stone.
So till broad day, with sighs and sobs,
We stood with fingers in our sobs.
But when he spy'd Tithonus Whore,
He milkt his Oxen as before;
And then a couple more he took
Of our poor Squires, whom like a Cook
He strait made ready; but the meat
You may suppose was not too sweet,
For they were sawc'd with Turd for Butter,
And sodden well in their own water.
Then after Breakfast out he went,
But us i'th' Cave with quarry pent
As easily, as if a man
Should with a Cake cover a Kan,
In which you know the Flies remain,
Till the Cake's taken off again.
Then whistling like ten thousand Carters,
He drove his Cattle to their quarters.
But I was left, trying conclusions,
And gathering hearty resolutions,
How to take vengeance on the Knave,
And by some means escape his Cave.
I knew my skill in picking Locks,
And hop'd 'twould do; but (out a Pox
That I should be so dull a Drone)
When 'twas not lockt but barr'd with Stone.
At last this Crochet seem'd the best,
And pleas'd me more than all the rest.
The Cyclops, Sir, (I tell no Fable)
Had a huge Catstick near the Stable,
Green still and pithy; he had clipt-that
From some great Wood to play at Tip-cat,
When it was dry'd; but 'twas as vast
As th' Royal Charles his middle Mast;
Which you know Dutch-men took by Treason,
But dare not us't themselves; good reason!
'Twas full as long, and full as thick;
From which I cut an ell-long stick.
And ga't my Boys to make it smooth,
Which they full quickly did forsooth:
Then I the Point so well did whittle,
I made't as sharp as any Needle.
Then well I hardned it i'th' Fire,
So hid it underneath the Mire;
Which with the Dung lay thick about,
Within the Cave, and eke without;
Which Dung without I long'd to see,
But Stone resolv'd it should not be.
Now having thus contriv'd the Plot,
I bad Companions choose by Lot,
(High-jinks, or Fillup) who should be
My Aiders in this Tragedy,
By boring hole (when he should sleep here)
To make his Eye wider and deeper:
In short, The Lot on four did pitch,
Which made me think the Lot a Witch.
Because I wisht the very same,
And knew them fittest for my game.
So we lay still, protesting seriously
To do it constantly and seriously;
But in the Ev'ning this Damn'd Dogs eyes
Came, driving's Cattel to their Hog-sties.
Both Hogs and Dogs, and Pigs and Sheep,
And Cows and Goats within must keep.
Whether the fool might be afraid
Of Thieves, if they without door staid.
Or whether gods did bring't about
In pity so to help us out.
These Flocks thus filling up the lodging,
We'd brave advantage so to dodg him.
But when the Whelp had barr'd the door,
He milkt his Cattle as before,
And clapt the young under their Dams.
Then into's his Throat two more he crams
Of my Companions; I at first word
In's chops was fain to shovel Mustard.
Which done, with Bowl and loving face
I thus did complement his Grace:
‘Sweet Cormorant, after this Supper
‘Of humane flesh, behold a Cup here
‘Of pleasant Wine, that you may see,
‘What Hectors and down Boys we be.
‘And this same token faith I give ye
‘Out of pure love, if you'll believe me,
‘Only that you'ld do so and so
‘To take my Wine and let me go.
‘For troth I'm such a shitten Creature,
‘Enough to poison a Man-eater;
‘And folks might think you're starv'd indeed,
‘If on such Carrion you should feed.
‘Beside, if you should now undo-me,
‘I ne'r could bring fat People to-you;
‘Which out of good will I intend now,
‘If you will but appear my friend now.
Thus I: But he took all in scoff,
Only he tost the Liquor off.
And smacking's blobber-Lips, he fell (ye)
Stroaking with paw his Tun-like belly.
‘And then said he, More, more o'th' same
‘Thou honest Soul, and tell's thy name
‘Now quickly; for I do intend
‘To be in gratitude thy friend:
‘For we have special Wine, I take it,
‘'Mong Ciclops; Jove himself doth make it,
‘Yet that (Gudsuckings) doe's appear,
‘Compar'd to this, but flat small Beer:
‘This Wine (ô prethee gi'z some more on't)
‘Is special Wine, and well worth four on't.
Thus he e'faith; I ne'r deny'd him,
But with my Quart-pot freely ply'd him.
Three times he clapt this Pot to's Nose,
Three times the Rogue bepist his Hose,
And belch'd, the Liquor was so strong;
That I saw where his Brains were hung.
And when in so good case I knew him,
In soothing manner I spake to him.
‘You may remember, Man of Fame,
‘Three minutes past you ask'd my Name:
‘And now I shall, because you're civil,
‘Confess my Name, and shame the Devil.
‘'Tis Nobody in Latin, Nemo,
‘And I'le assure you they that me know
‘Call me by that Name; for example
‘Nemo (that's I) hath Guts full ample.
Thus I (the Devil take such dry-sport)
Can't forbear Joquing, though I die for't.
As in that Instance, which I gave,
Hearing me mention Guts so brave.
He gigling gave this cruel Answer,
‘Nemo (tha-that's you) I'll eat anon, Sir,
‘All th' others fi-first, and you the la-last,
‘Such lo-love I'll sho-shew for wat is pa-past.
And stutt'ring thus he loll'd his Logger-head,
Nodding upon a rotten Cupbord-head;
Which not enduring such a weight,
Fell kindly down and broke his Pate.
Yet though about his ears it clatter'd,
He still snor'd on, and never matter'd;
And snoring thus in his own Shamble,
Dead-men in's guts began to wamble.
Blest operation of my Cup,
To see him cast his reck'nings up.
Though I! t'see Wine and Flesh uprising,
And him so fast through drinks disguising.
There lay Jack's buttock Humphrey's head
Spew'd up again, now they were dead.
Which, you must think, cast a rare steam,
Being mixt with blood, piss, wine, curds, cream.
Then under th' Embers I the stick laid
To make it hot; mean while I tickled
My Fellows hearts with words of comfort,
Till they couragious prov'd in some sort.
But when the stick was fiery hot,
My Fellows, who were chose by lot,
Stood round about the snoring whelp,
Resolv'd to lend me all their help.
Then I took stick red hot from fire,
And burning hotter with desire
Of Vengeance, to Don-sleeper came,
And softly there we took good aim.
Surely the Devil made us so bold;
For they o'th' top of stick took hold,
And plac'd it o're his goggle eye.
I cing'd the middle gingerly,
And rowl'd it in and rowl'd it out,
And fiercely turn'd it quick about.
Though all the World Sir to a Pin,
I durst not do the like agen;
Ev'n as a Shipwright very nimble,
Doth roundly turn about his Wimble;
Or as a Joyner boreth (mauger
The stoutest wood) with well greas'd Auger.
Thus we with burning stick did bore
His eye (one eye he had, no more)
'Bout which there ran a Moat of gore.
All's beetle brows, and th' hair of them
Were sing'd and scorched by the steam
Of burning Eye; we might observe
Th' Anatomy of's Optick nerve,
If we'd leisure then to study:
But though we were in case so muddy,
Ready for fear our selves to piss,
We faught to hear his Eye-root hiss.
As when a Smith do's quench in Water
Hot burning-Steel, or some such matter.
You know by Antipathetick cause
There doth arise a hizzing noise.
Just thus for all the world his Eye
Did hiz, methought, harmoniously.
But this same kind of usage base,
Did (as you'ld guess) soon wake his Grace;
Who being scar'd as 'twere in dream,
Did howl, and yaul, and roar extream-
ly, in such sort (a yelping Hound!)
It made the very Rock resound.
At this we ran with fearful mind,
But left the trusty Stick behind;
And there't had been for us, till doom,
Had not himself with frets and fume
Tore't out of's Eye, then flung't in anguish
Away, and cry'd, The Devil hang this.
But now our wounded Cyclop, bellows
To th' other Cyclops Friends and Fellows,
Who dwelt hard by in Dungeons deep:
They hearing him such pudder keep,
Rose in their Shirts, and at his Door
Ask'd him what made his Worship roar.
‘What hurt hast got, ô Polyphemus!
‘That makes thee snore and roar in dream thus?
‘And bluster so we cannot sleep for ye.
‘Has any Mortal stole your Sheep from ye?
‘Or are you by the Fleas now bit a bed?
‘Or have you (as you've often) shit a bed?
‘Or are you kill'd by fraud or force,
‘That thus you roar as you were horse?
Then from his Cave, stout Polypheme
With sobs like Mill-stones answerd them:
‘O Friends! 'tis Nemo doth by wily
‘And subtle fraud (not valour) kill me.
They knowing's Latin-affectation,
Took Nemo in signification
Of No-man, and this Answer spake,
‘If you're alone, and none doth make
‘Your case deserving of our help,
‘E'n roar your heart out for a Whelp.
‘Since ye can't bear what Jove doth send ye,
‘Nought sooner than a Rope will mend ye.
‘But if you'd rather pray than choak,
‘Neptune your Dad with Prayers invoke.
They went away when thus they'd spoken,
But my dear Guts were almost broken
With laughter, that the lucky faining
Of Nemo sav'd us all from braining.
Though this same word wa'n't so intended,
But meerly by instinct invented.
The Cyclop, though his Friends advis'd him,
Ne'r pray'd to Neptune, but despis'd him.
And like a very Turk or Flemming
He fell to cursing and blaspheming;
Roaring most wickedly and sobbing.
But the Rogue cautious of our bobbing,
Holding one hand before his Nose,
And groping with the other, goes
Tow'rd door (but in the way some gins
I had laid there, which broke his Shins)
But yet he heav'd the Door away,
And sat him down, as who should say;
Come this or that way any other,
But Sheep, and I'ld not spare my Brother.
And then he strecht his clutches out,
Thinking to take us so no doubt.
Belike th' Ass took me for a fool;
But ever since I went to School
I knew what's what; but at that time
I think I shew'd my wit sublime:
And try'd all ways with tooth and nail,
Lest Friends and I of life should fail,
I left no Stone unturn'd (huds boors)
But only that that bar'd the Doors;
Ev'ry one else I mov'd, I'll swear,
And counsell'd here and counsell'd there,
And in my thoughts I had great strife,
'Cause business did concern my life:
One while I thought, when he should rise
And open door, to 'scape 'twixt Thighs.
But then I fear'd a thing, you know,
Which 'twixt his Thighs hung very low;
Then cloathed in Sheeep-skins, I thought
Upon all four we might be brought
Safe out, among the Flocks, you know it;
But then we had no time to do it.
Then faith, I thought to dress a Puppet
Up in my Clothes, and so to pop it
Before his face, and while he staid
Tormenting that, so to evade.
But when on these I could not rest,
At last this project lik'd me best;
I'th' Cave were Rams with huge Black-wool;
I ne'r saw Rams so large and full;
I takes these Rams, Sir, three and three,
And ties them very chordially
Together, the middlemost did bear
One man, the other two took care;
Being bound on each side of the man,
To keep him from a soul trapan.
Thus six times three six men did carry
Under their breasts; but I, why? marry
Spying a Ram, the very best of 'um,
Bigger and stronger than the rest of 'um.
First stroakt him on the back, I'll tell ye,
Then gently slipt under his belly.
And there on his thick Fleece I hung
By Teeth and Nails all the night long
In mickle pain, till morn was seen,
When this Blind-beggar of Bednal-green
Open'd his door, and grop'd i'th' way
While Sheep past on; Ba-ba cry'd they,
'Cause now they were unmilkt, and so
Their Dugs were heavy, you must know.
But their wise Master (though he saw
No hurt we'd done) with greasie Paw
In wrath their backs did feel about,
Thinking to catch us there, no doubt;
Boobe! to think, as I must tell ye,
That we preferr'd a back to belly.
But last of all the pocky Ram,
Loaded with me and's Wool, forth came;
Feeling whose back (in less than a yard
Besure he had got me by the Beard)
Blind Bayard thus began to prate,
‘You lazy Rogue, pray, why so late
‘Now come you forth with sober gate?
‘When heretofore you still went first
‘Unto the Streams to quench your thirst;
‘And eke to field on Grass to feed,
‘And home you us'd to hie with speed.
‘But now thou'rt last; sure 'tis a grief
‘For thee t'have seen Nemo this Thief;
‘First make me drunk, then make me blind,
‘Therefore, poor thing! thou stayst behind.
‘Oh! never more, I plainly see,
‘Will eye of Master fatten thee!
‘Although the Villain, that hath done it,
‘Is not, as I suppose, quite gone yet.
‘(No faith think I thou blinking Prophet,
‘'Cause so near thee I'll not light-off yet.)
‘But if, quoth he, my Ram thou canst
‘But speak, for sure thou understandst,
‘Hide not his hiding place; but shew it,
‘(O Lord!) think I one Fart would do it.)
‘Then I, quoth he, his Brains will scatter
‘(And thought I, that's a weighty matter.)
‘Against the Walls, and so my mind
‘Would after that some comfort find
‘For th' blindness which old Nemo gave me.
(Poor Cluck, thought I the Devil save thee!)
Then he let forth the Ram and me,
Unthankt for that Civility;
For Complements were out of fashion,
When I behold him in such passion;
But when the Flocks some space had gone,
I dropt, and let the Ram go on.
So rising softly from the ground,
My other Friends I straight unbound
Them from Rams bellies, slily cropping
With Rams-piss and their own still dropping.
Then nimbly after this fine slip
We drove his Sheep unto our Ship.
Welcome to the Souldiers we appear
That scap't, but they that eaten were
Stuck in their stomacks; yet by nodding
I made the Chits leave off their sobbing,
And taking Sheep aboard to hasten,
If they desir'd t'escape a basting.
They such sad after-claps much fearing,
Fell strait to rowing and to steering.
But when I thought us far enough,
To Polypheme I sent this huff:
‘Cyclop! if you'd had any wit
‘You'ld not have took me for a Chit;
‘Nor serv'd my Servants in such manner
‘To bang them worse than any Tanner;
‘And greedier than a very Hog,
‘Devour them like a Butcher's Dog.
‘You could not see your good before,
‘And now I think you'll scarce see more;
‘For Jove, and gods whom you so slight,
‘Have pleas'd to take away your sight;
‘And now you'd best go strike a Light.
This huffing to the Plucks so vext him,
That he laid hold of what was next him,
Which prov'd a Mountain wondrous great,
With which he hop'd to break my Pate,
And flung it, crying this (huds Diggars)
That man, whom e're it hits, disfigures.
And troth so neer the Poop it came,
We wondred at blind Archer's aim.
For Waves, being forced thus by Rock,
Recoil'd again unto the Dock;
And with the Waves our Ship return'd,
Which made me wish it sunk or burn'd:
But I my self, with Pole in hand,
Shov'd her off stiffly from the Land;
And nodding, bad my Sons of Whores
With treble force to ply their Oars;
While this same blinking Owl stood gapeing,
And never knew of our escaping.
But when twice further we had row'd,
Thus o're the blinded Cock I crow'd:
But as I went to speak forsooth,
A Puppy claps his hand o're mouth;
And all my Friends on bended knees,
Beg'd earnestly I'ld hold my peace.
‘Lord bless us! sure our Brains are mellow
‘Thus to provoke an angry Fellow,
‘Who late you know with Hills and Rocks
‘Had almost spoil'd us with a pox;
‘For by that cast he flounc'd us back,
‘And there we'd like t'have gone to wrack.
‘If now he hears but the least noise, his
‘Ear being guided by our Voices,
‘He'll aim so well, that he'll e'n break
‘The Organs by the which we speak.
‘And ten to one he'll crack our Pates,
‘He flings so deadly far at Quoits.
‘But then, quoth I, pray Sirs, be still, now
‘I'll speak, Cudsplutternails, I will now.
‘D'ye think I'll put up so much wrong
‘Without revenging with my Tongue?
‘Faith I'll correct him in bravado,
‘Far worse than with a bastinado.
‘Then I roar'd out, Thou Buzzard Cyclop,
‘As tall as any Cedar's high-top,
‘If any chance to ask, what man
‘Did give you such a clear trap-an
‘To put your Eye out; (do ye see now?)
‘You must not like a fool, say Nemo;
‘But tell him 'twas the brave Ulysses,
‘That makes a trade of conqu'ring Cities,
‘Born of Laertes, you may tell him,
‘That hath in Ithaca his dwelling.
At this he fetcht deep sigh from heart,
Though many thought 'twas but a F---
And sobbing till he burst his Breeches,
He cry'd ‘Good-lack-a-day! how Witches
‘Can tell mens Fortunes! I remember
‘Once I'd a kind of Female friend here,
‘A Gypsie, whom I made my Mate,
‘'Cause she'd a C--- so good and great.
‘This Witch d'ye hear me now, was famous
‘From this place I believe to Samos,
‘For knowing things as 'twere beforehand,
‘And guessing by Face, Fingers or Hand;
‘Of all hard things she scarce e're slipt one,
‘For all the world like Mother Shipton;
‘She said, One 'Lysses of Wit wayward,
‘Should make me full as blind as Bayard.
‘But I still thought, that it would be some-man
‘Gigantick, or at least an handsom-man.
‘When lo! an ugly Crump-back Æsop,
‘(When too much Wine he had made me sup,)
‘Nay a meer Cow'rd hath blinded me now,
‘And which is worse I cannot see now.
‘But come Sir, seeing 'twas my Fate-ill
‘To be as blind as any Beetle,
‘Ulysses! I forgive you freely,
‘(But softly, 'dsfoot I'am not so silly)
‘And hope to make amends for th' future,
‘With gifts of Silver, Gold and Pewter;
‘And if you'll come unto me friendly,
‘I'll use you, faith now, very kindly,
‘And then t'afford you speedy passage
‘I'll send to Neptune an Ambassage:
‘For he indeed's my Father, whence,
‘(Granting the Major) Consequence
‘Is plain, that I am Neptune's Son,
‘And so the disputation's done.
‘Now he will cure me of this blindness
‘Out of, you know, paternal kindness;
‘For none, although he deals in Fish,
‘An Abler Mountebank would wish.
The fat-Cheekt Vooden cog'd at this rate,
Hoping t'allure me unto his bait.
But I, whom beating had made wise,
Lolling out Tongue and rowling eyes,
Through very rancour of my heart, in-
tended to school him thus at parting.
‘Out on you, for a witless Coax,
‘Blind, lousie, scabby, John-a-noaks;
‘I'd find i'my heart, I'll tell you Sirrah,
‘To come now strait and run you thorough!
‘You Mackrel-back, bottle-nos'd Devil,
‘I'll teach you Sirrah to be civil!
‘What? call me Coward? was't not late
‘I'ld break my Cudgel on your Pate.
‘And then to call me Æsop's (Villain)
‘I'm fairer than your Gipsie Gillian,
‘And handsomer than your vile feature,
‘Which is th' ill favourd'st thing in nature.
‘Oh! if I had but time to come to ye,
‘How I should tan your hide, and thump ye?
‘And leave you by tormenting pains
‘No more life than you now have brains;
‘And no more blood than you have eyesight.
‘All this Il'd do to you by this light;
‘And then I'ld see, if Neptune's kindness
‘By Purge or Pills might cure your blindness.
He hearing this, devoutly crept on
His knees, and made his Prayer to Neptune.
‘Black Sir, Farm-holder of the Earth!
‘If thou art Author of my birth,
‘Grant in this manner thy Sons wishes
‘Against this ugly Dog Ulysses:
‘So handle him with froth and scum o'th' Sea,
‘That he to's Country ne're may come, d'ye see?
‘But if 'tis destin'd, this Coxcomb
‘In spight o'th' Devil must get home.
‘E'n let the homely Puppy go,
‘If Fate says, I, I'll not say no!
‘But prethee, let him be so shatter'd,
‘That he come home ragged and tatter'd,
‘And as he evermore liv'd niggardly,
‘In his return let him come beggarly,
‘Neither in Ships of's own, nor Barges,
‘But at some other People's charges,
‘But for his other Comrades vile,
‘Let them be ram'd and damn'd the while.
‘And sunk so deeply, and so drown'd
‘As never after to be found:
‘And in his House let haughty Strangers
‘Afflict him after forreign dangers.
‘And prethee to compleat's disgrace,
‘Let's Wife be swi---'d before his face.
Thus pray'd the Rogue incontinent,
And Neptune granted Prayers event:
When he, it seems, did fling another
Mountain, as big again as th' other,
With all the force and skill he had,
(For he was then confounded mad)
Thad like t'have quasht us all to fritters,
(Ev'n now for fear my Gizzard twitters)
Yet where we all suspected murther,
We saw, it only drove us further:
But when we came unto our Isle
Where all the rest were lest this while,
We found our men crying Good lack amain,
For fear, we never should come back again.
There we took Land, and parted equally
The Cyclop's Sheep, we stole so sneekingly.
And unto me they gave to boot
The Ram, because I stuck close to't.
Which Ram to pay my Vows in love,
I offer'd to Cloud-squeezing Jove;
Giving to him Head, Horns, and Hide,
Because his power was far and wide,
But I my self eat all beside.
Yet he, pray mark his Ill conditions,
Contemn'd my off'ring and Petitions;
And even at that time, ungrateful!
He thought the lives of us all hateful.
And now was plotting to destroy
Our Ships and Men, my only Joy.
With humane flesh, and Piss that season,
He drops him down among his Sheep,
Plaguily snoring in his sleep.
By this I had such Courage got,
Which desperation had made hot,
That with Morglay, I thought to part
The Monster's midriff from his heart.
But if the Puppy had been slain,
We had been forced to remain
Till we should starve in Cave alone;
Because we could not stir the Stone.
So till broad day, with sighs and sobs,
We stood with fingers in our sobs.
But when he spy'd Tithonus Whore,
He milkt his Oxen as before;
And then a couple more he took
Of our poor Squires, whom like a Cook
35
You may suppose was not too sweet,
For they were sawc'd with Turd for Butter,
And sodden well in their own water.
Then after Breakfast out he went,
But us i'th' Cave with quarry pent
As easily, as if a man
Should with a Cake cover a Kan,
In which you know the Flies remain,
Till the Cake's taken off again.
Then whistling like ten thousand Carters,
He drove his Cattle to their quarters.
But I was left, trying conclusions,
And gathering hearty resolutions,
How to take vengeance on the Knave,
And by some means escape his Cave.
I knew my skill in picking Locks,
And hop'd 'twould do; but (out a Pox
That I should be so dull a Drone)
When 'twas not lockt but barr'd with Stone.
36
And pleas'd me more than all the rest.
The Cyclops, Sir, (I tell no Fable)
Had a huge Catstick near the Stable,
Green still and pithy; he had clipt-that
From some great Wood to play at Tip-cat,
When it was dry'd; but 'twas as vast
As th' Royal Charles his middle Mast;
Which you know Dutch-men took by Treason,
But dare not us't themselves; good reason!
'Twas full as long, and full as thick;
From which I cut an ell-long stick.
And ga't my Boys to make it smooth,
Which they full quickly did forsooth:
Then I the Point so well did whittle,
I made't as sharp as any Needle.
Then well I hardned it i'th' Fire,
So hid it underneath the Mire;
37
Within the Cave, and eke without;
Which Dung without I long'd to see,
But Stone resolv'd it should not be.
Now having thus contriv'd the Plot,
I bad Companions choose by Lot,
(High-jinks, or Fillup) who should be
My Aiders in this Tragedy,
By boring hole (when he should sleep here)
To make his Eye wider and deeper:
In short, The Lot on four did pitch,
Which made me think the Lot a Witch.
Because I wisht the very same,
And knew them fittest for my game.
So we lay still, protesting seriously
To do it constantly and seriously;
But in the Ev'ning this Damn'd Dogs eyes
Came, driving's Cattel to their Hog-sties.
Both Hogs and Dogs, and Pigs and Sheep,
And Cows and Goats within must keep.
38
Of Thieves, if they without door staid.
Or whether gods did bring't about
In pity so to help us out.
These Flocks thus filling up the lodging,
We'd brave advantage so to dodg him.
But when the Whelp had barr'd the door,
He milkt his Cattle as before,
And clapt the young under their Dams.
Then into's his Throat two more he crams
Of my Companions; I at first word
In's chops was fain to shovel Mustard.
Which done, with Bowl and loving face
I thus did complement his Grace:
‘Sweet Cormorant, after this Supper
‘Of humane flesh, behold a Cup here
‘Of pleasant Wine, that you may see,
‘What Hectors and down Boys we be.
‘And this same token faith I give ye
‘Out of pure love, if you'll believe me,
39
‘To take my Wine and let me go.
‘For troth I'm such a shitten Creature,
‘Enough to poison a Man-eater;
‘And folks might think you're starv'd indeed,
‘If on such Carrion you should feed.
‘Beside, if you should now undo-me,
‘I ne'r could bring fat People to-you;
‘Which out of good will I intend now,
‘If you will but appear my friend now.
Thus I: But he took all in scoff,
Only he tost the Liquor off.
And smacking's blobber-Lips, he fell (ye)
Stroaking with paw his Tun-like belly.
‘And then said he, More, more o'th' same
‘Thou honest Soul, and tell's thy name
‘Now quickly; for I do intend
‘To be in gratitude thy friend:
‘For we have special Wine, I take it,
‘'Mong Ciclops; Jove himself doth make it,
40
‘Compar'd to this, but flat small Beer:
‘This Wine (ô prethee gi'z some more on't)
‘Is special Wine, and well worth four on't.
Thus he e'faith; I ne'r deny'd him,
But with my Quart-pot freely ply'd him.
Three times he clapt this Pot to's Nose,
Three times the Rogue bepist his Hose,
And belch'd, the Liquor was so strong;
That I saw where his Brains were hung.
And when in so good case I knew him,
In soothing manner I spake to him.
‘You may remember, Man of Fame,
‘Three minutes past you ask'd my Name:
‘And now I shall, because you're civil,
‘Confess my Name, and shame the Devil.
‘'Tis Nobody in Latin, Nemo,
‘And I'le assure you they that me know
‘Call me by that Name; for example
‘Nemo (that's I) hath Guts full ample.
41
Can't forbear Joquing, though I die for't.
As in that Instance, which I gave,
Hearing me mention Guts so brave.
He gigling gave this cruel Answer,
‘Nemo (tha-that's you) I'll eat anon, Sir,
‘All th' others fi-first, and you the la-last,
‘Such lo-love I'll sho-shew for wat is pa-past.
And stutt'ring thus he loll'd his Logger-head,
Nodding upon a rotten Cupbord-head;
Which not enduring such a weight,
Fell kindly down and broke his Pate.
Yet though about his ears it clatter'd,
He still snor'd on, and never matter'd;
And snoring thus in his own Shamble,
Dead-men in's guts began to wamble.
Blest operation of my Cup,
To see him cast his reck'nings up.
Though I! t'see Wine and Flesh uprising,
And him so fast through drinks disguising.
42
Spew'd up again, now they were dead.
Which, you must think, cast a rare steam,
Being mixt with blood, piss, wine, curds, cream.
Then under th' Embers I the stick laid
To make it hot; mean while I tickled
My Fellows hearts with words of comfort,
Till they couragious prov'd in some sort.
But when the stick was fiery hot,
My Fellows, who were chose by lot,
Stood round about the snoring whelp,
Resolv'd to lend me all their help.
Then I took stick red hot from fire,
And burning hotter with desire
Of Vengeance, to Don-sleeper came,
And softly there we took good aim.
Surely the Devil made us so bold;
For they o'th' top of stick took hold,
And plac'd it o're his goggle eye.
I cing'd the middle gingerly,
43
And fiercely turn'd it quick about.
Though all the World Sir to a Pin,
I durst not do the like agen;
Ev'n as a Shipwright very nimble,
Doth roundly turn about his Wimble;
Or as a Joyner boreth (mauger
The stoutest wood) with well greas'd Auger.
Thus we with burning stick did bore
His eye (one eye he had, no more)
'Bout which there ran a Moat of gore.
All's beetle brows, and th' hair of them
Were sing'd and scorched by the steam
Of burning Eye; we might observe
Th' Anatomy of's Optick nerve,
If we'd leisure then to study:
But though we were in case so muddy,
Ready for fear our selves to piss,
We faught to hear his Eye-root hiss.
44
Hot burning-Steel, or some such matter.
You know by Antipathetick cause
There doth arise a hizzing noise.
Just thus for all the world his Eye
Did hiz, methought, harmoniously.
But this same kind of usage base,
Did (as you'ld guess) soon wake his Grace;
Who being scar'd as 'twere in dream,
Did howl, and yaul, and roar extream-
ly, in such sort (a yelping Hound!)
It made the very Rock resound.
At this we ran with fearful mind,
But left the trusty Stick behind;
And there't had been for us, till doom,
Had not himself with frets and fume
Tore't out of's Eye, then flung't in anguish
Away, and cry'd, The Devil hang this.
45
To th' other Cyclops Friends and Fellows,
Who dwelt hard by in Dungeons deep:
They hearing him such pudder keep,
Rose in their Shirts, and at his Door
Ask'd him what made his Worship roar.
‘What hurt hast got, ô Polyphemus!
‘That makes thee snore and roar in dream thus?
‘And bluster so we cannot sleep for ye.
‘Has any Mortal stole your Sheep from ye?
‘Or are you by the Fleas now bit a bed?
‘Or have you (as you've often) shit a bed?
‘Or are you kill'd by fraud or force,
‘That thus you roar as you were horse?
Then from his Cave, stout Polypheme
With sobs like Mill-stones answerd them:
‘O Friends! 'tis Nemo doth by wily
‘And subtle fraud (not valour) kill me.
46
Took Nemo in signification
Of No-man, and this Answer spake,
‘If you're alone, and none doth make
‘Your case deserving of our help,
‘E'n roar your heart out for a Whelp.
‘Since ye can't bear what Jove doth send ye,
‘Nought sooner than a Rope will mend ye.
‘But if you'd rather pray than choak,
‘Neptune your Dad with Prayers invoke.
They went away when thus they'd spoken,
But my dear Guts were almost broken
With laughter, that the lucky faining
Of Nemo sav'd us all from braining.
Though this same word wa'n't so intended,
But meerly by instinct invented.
The Cyclop, though his Friends advis'd him,
Ne'r pray'd to Neptune, but despis'd him.
47
He fell to cursing and blaspheming;
Roaring most wickedly and sobbing.
But the Rogue cautious of our bobbing,
Holding one hand before his Nose,
And groping with the other, goes
Tow'rd door (but in the way some gins
I had laid there, which broke his Shins)
But yet he heav'd the Door away,
And sat him down, as who should say;
Come this or that way any other,
But Sheep, and I'ld not spare my Brother.
And then he strecht his clutches out,
Thinking to take us so no doubt.
Belike th' Ass took me for a fool;
But ever since I went to School
I knew what's what; but at that time
I think I shew'd my wit sublime:
And try'd all ways with tooth and nail,
Lest Friends and I of life should fail,
48
But only that that bar'd the Doors;
Ev'ry one else I mov'd, I'll swear,
And counsell'd here and counsell'd there,
And in my thoughts I had great strife,
'Cause business did concern my life:
One while I thought, when he should rise
And open door, to 'scape 'twixt Thighs.
But then I fear'd a thing, you know,
Which 'twixt his Thighs hung very low;
Then cloathed in Sheeep-skins, I thought
Upon all four we might be brought
Safe out, among the Flocks, you know it;
But then we had no time to do it.
Then faith, I thought to dress a Puppet
Up in my Clothes, and so to pop it
Before his face, and while he staid
Tormenting that, so to evade.
But when on these I could not rest,
At last this project lik'd me best;
49
I ne'r saw Rams so large and full;
I takes these Rams, Sir, three and three,
And ties them very chordially
Together, the middlemost did bear
One man, the other two took care;
Being bound on each side of the man,
To keep him from a soul trapan.
Thus six times three six men did carry
Under their breasts; but I, why? marry
Spying a Ram, the very best of 'um,
Bigger and stronger than the rest of 'um.
First stroakt him on the back, I'll tell ye,
Then gently slipt under his belly.
And there on his thick Fleece I hung
By Teeth and Nails all the night long
In mickle pain, till morn was seen,
When this Blind-beggar of Bednal-green
Open'd his door, and grop'd i'th' way
While Sheep past on; Ba-ba cry'd they,
50
Their Dugs were heavy, you must know.
But their wise Master (though he saw
No hurt we'd done) with greasie Paw
In wrath their backs did feel about,
Thinking to catch us there, no doubt;
Boobe! to think, as I must tell ye,
That we preferr'd a back to belly.
But last of all the pocky Ram,
Loaded with me and's Wool, forth came;
Feeling whose back (in less than a yard
Besure he had got me by the Beard)
Blind Bayard thus began to prate,
‘You lazy Rogue, pray, why so late
‘Now come you forth with sober gate?
‘When heretofore you still went first
‘Unto the Streams to quench your thirst;
‘And eke to field on Grass to feed,
‘And home you us'd to hie with speed.
‘But now thou'rt last; sure 'tis a grief
‘For thee t'have seen Nemo this Thief;
51
‘Therefore, poor thing! thou stayst behind.
‘Oh! never more, I plainly see,
‘Will eye of Master fatten thee!
‘Although the Villain, that hath done it,
‘Is not, as I suppose, quite gone yet.
‘(No faith think I thou blinking Prophet,
‘'Cause so near thee I'll not light-off yet.)
‘But if, quoth he, my Ram thou canst
‘But speak, for sure thou understandst,
‘Hide not his hiding place; but shew it,
‘(O Lord!) think I one Fart would do it.)
‘Then I, quoth he, his Brains will scatter
‘(And thought I, that's a weighty matter.)
‘Against the Walls, and so my mind
‘Would after that some comfort find
‘For th' blindness which old Nemo gave me.
(Poor Cluck, thought I the Devil save thee!)
52
Unthankt for that Civility;
For Complements were out of fashion,
When I behold him in such passion;
But when the Flocks some space had gone,
I dropt, and let the Ram go on.
So rising softly from the ground,
My other Friends I straight unbound
Them from Rams bellies, slily cropping
With Rams-piss and their own still dropping.
Then nimbly after this fine slip
We drove his Sheep unto our Ship.
Welcome to the Souldiers we appear
That scap't, but they that eaten were
Stuck in their stomacks; yet by nodding
I made the Chits leave off their sobbing,
And taking Sheep aboard to hasten,
If they desir'd t'escape a basting.
They such sad after-claps much fearing,
Fell strait to rowing and to steering.
53
To Polypheme I sent this huff:
‘Cyclop! if you'd had any wit
‘You'ld not have took me for a Chit;
‘Nor serv'd my Servants in such manner
‘To bang them worse than any Tanner;
‘And greedier than a very Hog,
‘Devour them like a Butcher's Dog.
‘You could not see your good before,
‘And now I think you'll scarce see more;
‘For Jove, and gods whom you so slight,
‘Have pleas'd to take away your sight;
‘And now you'd best go strike a Light.
This huffing to the Plucks so vext him,
That he laid hold of what was next him,
Which prov'd a Mountain wondrous great,
With which he hop'd to break my Pate,
And flung it, crying this (huds Diggars)
That man, whom e're it hits, disfigures.
54
We wondred at blind Archer's aim.
For Waves, being forced thus by Rock,
Recoil'd again unto the Dock;
And with the Waves our Ship return'd,
Which made me wish it sunk or burn'd:
But I my self, with Pole in hand,
Shov'd her off stiffly from the Land;
And nodding, bad my Sons of Whores
With treble force to ply their Oars;
While this same blinking Owl stood gapeing,
And never knew of our escaping.
But when twice further we had row'd,
Thus o're the blinded Cock I crow'd:
But as I went to speak forsooth,
A Puppy claps his hand o're mouth;
And all my Friends on bended knees,
Beg'd earnestly I'ld hold my peace.
‘Lord bless us! sure our Brains are mellow
‘Thus to provoke an angry Fellow,
55
‘Had almost spoil'd us with a pox;
‘For by that cast he flounc'd us back,
‘And there we'd like t'have gone to wrack.
‘If now he hears but the least noise, his
‘Ear being guided by our Voices,
‘He'll aim so well, that he'll e'n break
‘The Organs by the which we speak.
‘And ten to one he'll crack our Pates,
‘He flings so deadly far at Quoits.
‘But then, quoth I, pray Sirs, be still, now
‘I'll speak, Cudsplutternails, I will now.
‘D'ye think I'll put up so much wrong
‘Without revenging with my Tongue?
‘Faith I'll correct him in bravado,
‘Far worse than with a bastinado.
‘Then I roar'd out, Thou Buzzard Cyclop,
‘As tall as any Cedar's high-top,
‘If any chance to ask, what man
‘Did give you such a clear trap-an
56
‘You must not like a fool, say Nemo;
‘But tell him 'twas the brave Ulysses,
‘That makes a trade of conqu'ring Cities,
‘Born of Laertes, you may tell him,
‘That hath in Ithaca his dwelling.
At this he fetcht deep sigh from heart,
Though many thought 'twas but a F---
And sobbing till he burst his Breeches,
He cry'd ‘Good-lack-a-day! how Witches
‘Can tell mens Fortunes! I remember
‘Once I'd a kind of Female friend here,
‘A Gypsie, whom I made my Mate,
‘'Cause she'd a C--- so good and great.
‘This Witch d'ye hear me now, was famous
‘From this place I believe to Samos,
‘For knowing things as 'twere beforehand,
‘And guessing by Face, Fingers or Hand;
57
‘For all the world like Mother Shipton;
‘She said, One 'Lysses of Wit wayward,
‘Should make me full as blind as Bayard.
‘But I still thought, that it would be some-man
‘Gigantick, or at least an handsom-man.
‘When lo! an ugly Crump-back Æsop,
‘(When too much Wine he had made me sup,)
‘Nay a meer Cow'rd hath blinded me now,
‘And which is worse I cannot see now.
‘But come Sir, seeing 'twas my Fate-ill
‘To be as blind as any Beetle,
‘Ulysses! I forgive you freely,
‘(But softly, 'dsfoot I'am not so silly)
‘And hope to make amends for th' future,
‘With gifts of Silver, Gold and Pewter;
‘And if you'll come unto me friendly,
‘I'll use you, faith now, very kindly,
58
‘I'll send to Neptune an Ambassage:
‘For he indeed's my Father, whence,
‘(Granting the Major) Consequence
‘Is plain, that I am Neptune's Son,
‘And so the disputation's done.
‘Now he will cure me of this blindness
‘Out of, you know, paternal kindness;
‘For none, although he deals in Fish,
‘An Abler Mountebank would wish.
The fat-Cheekt Vooden cog'd at this rate,
Hoping t'allure me unto his bait.
But I, whom beating had made wise,
Lolling out Tongue and rowling eyes,
Through very rancour of my heart, in-
tended to school him thus at parting.
‘Out on you, for a witless Coax,
‘Blind, lousie, scabby, John-a-noaks;
‘I'd find i'my heart, I'll tell you Sirrah,
‘To come now strait and run you thorough!
59
‘I'll teach you Sirrah to be civil!
‘What? call me Coward? was't not late
‘I'ld break my Cudgel on your Pate.
‘And then to call me Æsop's (Villain)
‘I'm fairer than your Gipsie Gillian,
‘And handsomer than your vile feature,
‘Which is th' ill favourd'st thing in nature.
‘Oh! if I had but time to come to ye,
‘How I should tan your hide, and thump ye?
‘And leave you by tormenting pains
‘No more life than you now have brains;
‘And no more blood than you have eyesight.
‘All this Il'd do to you by this light;
‘And then I'ld see, if Neptune's kindness
‘By Purge or Pills might cure your blindness.
He hearing this, devoutly crept on
His knees, and made his Prayer to Neptune.
60
‘If thou art Author of my birth,
‘Grant in this manner thy Sons wishes
‘Against this ugly Dog Ulysses:
‘So handle him with froth and scum o'th' Sea,
‘That he to's Country ne're may come, d'ye see?
‘But if 'tis destin'd, this Coxcomb
‘In spight o'th' Devil must get home.
‘E'n let the homely Puppy go,
‘If Fate says, I, I'll not say no!
‘But prethee, let him be so shatter'd,
‘That he come home ragged and tatter'd,
‘And as he evermore liv'd niggardly,
‘In his return let him come beggarly,
‘Neither in Ships of's own, nor Barges,
‘But at some other People's charges,
‘But for his other Comrades vile,
‘Let them be ram'd and damn'd the while.
61
‘As never after to be found:
‘And in his House let haughty Strangers
‘Afflict him after forreign dangers.
‘And prethee to compleat's disgrace,
‘Let's Wife be swi---'d before his face.
Thus pray'd the Rogue incontinent,
And Neptune granted Prayers event:
When he, it seems, did fling another
Mountain, as big again as th' other,
With all the force and skill he had,
(For he was then confounded mad)
Thad like t'have quasht us all to fritters,
(Ev'n now for fear my Gizzard twitters)
Yet where we all suspected murther,
We saw, it only drove us further:
But when we came unto our Isle
Where all the rest were lest this while,
We found our men crying Good lack amain,
For fear, we never should come back again.
62
The Cyclop's Sheep, we stole so sneekingly.
And unto me they gave to boot
The Ram, because I stuck close to't.
Which Ram to pay my Vows in love,
I offer'd to Cloud-squeezing Jove;
Giving to him Head, Horns, and Hide,
Because his power was far and wide,
But I my self eat all beside.
Yet he, pray mark his Ill conditions,
Contemn'd my off'ring and Petitions;
And even at that time, ungrateful!
He thought the lives of us all hateful.
And now was plotting to destroy
Our Ships and Men, my only Joy.
But after off'ring made by Vicar,
We glibly tost down Bowls of Liquor,
Till Sol declin'd his Carret-pate.
And then, because 'twas pretty late,
We went to bed, and there we lay
Till th' Devil usher'd in the day.
And then, by my advice and counsel,
We nail'd an Horse-shoe on the groundsel
Of that same lovely Island; which is
A wondrous spell, Sir, against your Witches.
Then we in dozens, and in scores,
Took Ship, and roundly ply'd our Oars,
Intending, though we found small sport in
Our Voyage, still to seek our fortune.
Griev'd for our Men slain by Fate lowring;
But glad that we escapt their scouring.
We glibly tost down Bowls of Liquor,
Till Sol declin'd his Carret-pate.
And then, because 'twas pretty late,
We went to bed, and there we lay
Till th' Devil usher'd in the day.
63
We nail'd an Horse-shoe on the groundsel
Of that same lovely Island; which is
A wondrous spell, Sir, against your Witches.
Then we in dozens, and in scores,
Took Ship, and roundly ply'd our Oars,
Intending, though we found small sport in
Our Voyage, still to seek our fortune.
Griev'd for our Men slain by Fate lowring;
But glad that we escapt their scouring.
FINIS.
| Homer Alamode, The Second Part, In English Burlesque | |