University of Virginia Library

OVID TRAVESTIE. Epist. III. Laodameia to Protesilaus.

These are to let you know my Dear,
I wish you well as I am here.
They say that you are kept 'ith' Straits
And onely for a good wind wait.
But 'las my Dear! tell me I pray
What wind wast when you went away.
I wish the Sea did then so roar
As you might soon have come a shore.
You went away, methinks, so odly
That I could hardly bid you God b' wi'.
I bid the wench but fetch a Light,
VVhen strait they say you'r out of sight.
Before that I could fetch my Scarf,
Your nimble feet had reach'd the VVharf.
Nay you were got quite out of hear-
Ing, e're the Cat could lick her ear.
You were a pretious stick of wood,
That leave your tender wife so cou'd.
And unawares too, but you Men
VVere always hard hearted to VVomen.
I made what hast I could, but you
VVere gone without bidding adieu.
Saw you not that my blubber'd cheek,
VVas swell'd so that I could not speak.
And I could scarce as you can tell,
Stammer out fa-fa-fa-farewell.
Then strait I to the Garret skip,
To see if could spy your ship.
Wearied with looking there, I flee down
To the shoar side, but I can see none.
A murrain on't, we lead bad lives,
When our men fight for others wives.
But as I said before when I
Could neither you nor your Boat spy.
I fell into a swoon d'ee mind?
And fear made me to loose behind.
My Gown they presently unbrace,
And cut for hast my bodyes lace.
Under my nose they burn a feather,
And old shoes too with other Leather.
They fetch me Brandy that was mighty,
Strong as any Aqua-vitæ.
One fetches Sirrup, and another
Besprinkles me, and such a pother.
As before never was sed
Since my Grannam bound my head.
At last when one my nose did twich,
I rose and sate me on my breech.
But I did soon such sorrow feel,
I wish I there had kick't up heel.
I ever since put on a sad dress,
And run about like any mad Bess.
I never since have comb'd my Locks
Nor from that time have chang'd my Smock
Have you beheld, as who hath not?
When some unruly boys have got,
A she Pick-pocket Nimming things,
Whether 'twas Money, Watch, or Rings.
How presently young beard less Jury
Make her appear like any fury.
Pull off her head-clothes, and discard her,
Of any thing that then may ward her,
From violence of rotten Eggs,
Horse turds, Stones, or Capons legs.
Just thus like any Bedlam, I
Do run about the Town and cry.
My Mother cryes take heart o' grace,
Come come my Wench, hang't let it pass,
Art not asham'd for to go so
Come fetch your new best Just-au-Corps.
Put on your locks and be as fine,
As pretty Bride or Valentine.
Then I reply, d'ye, think that I
Will put on Silk and Taffaty.
While my Husband, Arms environ,
And is cover'd o're with Iron.
Pox on that sneaking wenching Paris,
The enemy of Camp and Ladies.
May you always want a Surgeon:
And nothing eat but stinking Poor-John.
Why Menelaus will you fight?
I'll warrant Mistriss Ellen's right.
There's many an honester then she
Are hang'd upon the Triple tree,
Dol-common is a Saint unto her:
And who the Devill then would woe her?
'Lass! poor contented Cuckold thou!
Dost love her better cause she's so.
Ah! were but my poor husband safe,
And I could once more see my Rafe:
Great Jove to thee I will be bound,
Give him me back but safe and sound:
I will be bound to thee (I say)
To thank thee twice or thrice a day.
Good Lord, how I do quake and fear!
To think but of a Musketeer.
Than a Cannon I roar lowder,
If I chance to think of Powder.
And when e're a rope I spy,
I fancy 'tis Match presently.
Paris that cow'ardly Cavalier,
Durst not have stole Nell for his ear.
But that he knew well Menelaus
Old man had nothing to dismay us.
Besides the lying cogging Rogue,
Did so court his wife and collogue
Ruffling in cloaths of silk and Sattin,
And speaking broken ends of Latine.
So waiting Gentlewoman's said,
To loose her precious Maidenhead.
When any serving man or Groom,
Doth give her Ring or silver Spoon.
Then by and by I think of Hector,
I'd's lieve have seen a Ghost or Spectre.
Oh how I fear! and my fear much is:
Lest you should come within his cluthes.
For killing he doth take delight in:
And is (they say) old dog at fighting.
He's such a Bug-bear to us all,
That when the Children do but bawl.
Say but hark, Hectors coming; hish!
They are as silent as a fish.
But as you love your life, I pray
Be sure to keep out of harm's way.
And more I bid you have a care,
Least Hector catch you unaware.
And whensoever you do fight,
Pray have me always in your sight.
For suppose you should come to harm,
And in Battel loose Leg or Arm.
Or if you impotent should be,
What think you would become of me?
Are there not skroofy Rogues enow,
To go to war, unless you go.
Rogues that are good for nothing, but
To kill and slay, to hack and cut.
Why what a Pox need we care whether,
He and his wife e're come together?
Let other Rascalls go to fight,
Thou shalt do that onely at night.
The truth is I was very unwilling,
And would ha'given thrice ten shilling:
With all my other goods and Chattles,
That you had never gone to battels:
For why the night before you went,
A grievous dream did me torment;
And what's a bad sign I suppose,
The Rats had all begnawn your hose.
But have a care, I doubt not Love,
But these will old wives fables prove.
And yet it is reported Lilly,
(Who though men talk is not so silly)
Doth say that who the Trojan Land
Doth touch first with his foot or hand:
He quickly to Peg-Trantrum's must,
And lay his body in the dust.
Let your ship be the last that put in:
And have a care how you set footing.
But when you are returning, Pray;
Be you the first that comes away.
Put up your Sail and stoutly row:
And all the way cry, through Bridge ho;
For every night and every day
I think it long while you're away.
Especially at night, for then
You know we most do miss you men.
The night is women's only joy,
When we our appetites do cloy.
Instead of which I lye in fear
And sometimes dream that you are here.
And fancy that you clip and then
You kiss and let me go agen.
Then with your Arms you do me cover,
And otherwise your Love discover.
These joyes in sleep I undergo,
But waking find 'tis nothing so.
Another time I dream we're billing:
And by and by that you are killing.
Now methinks you are well bang'd:
And then I think I see you hang'd.
Then up I start and in my Smock,
For all my Maids I quickly knock.
That done we fall to Pray'r amain,
That Jove would send you home again.
How long now will it be my Dear,
Before that we shall see you here.
Or how long will it be e're I
Shall with you in bed folded lye.
When you shall tell me all the story,
How such brave fellows fell before ye.
Also how many common slaves
You sent pell mell unto their graves.
How Hector came with hanger touring:
And how you then did scape a scouring.
Then here you cry I met a Clown
And kissing me, thus knockt him down.
But when agen I think upon
The enemy are ten to one.
And know for all Ulysse plot,
Your men are like to go to pot.
They make no more of you then Muttons:
And then agen my A--- makes Buttons,
But yet nothing doth vex me more,
Then that though wind and Seas do roar.
You run as if 'twere for your lives:
He needs must go the Devill drives.
It seems the truth of this you've found
That born to b'hang'd shall ne're be drown'd
Otherwise you would be wiser
To strive for that's not worth a Cicer.
That Nell is but a Whore at best,
For whom the Grecian Lads contest
Come leave the Camp and home again:
If you have any Guts in brain.
The Trojan Girls I envy: they
Can see their Warriours ev'ry day.
All day they for Priamus fight,
And yet are Mettlesome at night.
Then in the morn each bouncing Lass,
Her Warriour again does dress.
For his breakfast he doth take
A piece of Pudden or Oat-Cake.
Such lusty Ale they sup between um:
There's none from Kissing that can win 'um.
Then out my Two-Shoes goes and struts,
After that he hath fill'd his guts.
And then he roars out fee fa fum,
I smell the blood of Grecian man.
But good my Love do not come near,
I am almost bepist for fear.
Then home agen at 'een he comes:
And gives his wife some Suger Plums.
But alass! 'tis two year since;
I had my due benevolence.
But yet for all you are away:
Your Picture doth with me still stay.
It is so like you in good sooth
As if 'twere spit out of your mouth.
With it I often seal my Letter,
Instead of Thimble which is better.
I charge you by my Maiden-head,
By wedding Ring and Marriage bed;
And by the pleasant sport and play,
I had before you went away.
That you all sort of danger shun:
Let who will fight be sure you run.
For by my Cat-skin Muff, and Fan,
I hope to see y' a good old man.
And thus with my affection fervent:
I rest
Your
very humble
Servant