University of Virginia Library

A Padlock for the Mouth:

A TALE.

Jack Dimple was a merry Blade,
Young, Am'rous, Witty, and Well-made;
Discreet?—Hold Sir—nay, as I live,
(My Friend) you're too Inquisitive:
Discretion, all Men must agree,
Is a most shining Quality,
Which like Leaf-gold makes a great show,
And thinly spread sets off a Beau.
But Sir, to put you out of pain,
Our Younker had not half a grain,
A leaky Blab, rash, faithless, vain.
The Victories his Eyes had won,
As soon as e'er obtain'd, were known;
For Trophies rear'd, the Deed proclaim,
Spoils hung on high expose the Dame,
And Love is sacrific'd to Fame.
Such Insolence the Sex alarms,
The Female World is up in Arms;
Th' outrageous Bacchanals combine,
And brandish'd Tongues in Concert join.
Unhappy Youth! where wilt thou go
T'escape so terrible a Foe?
Seek Shelter on the Lybian Shore,
Where Tygers, and where Lions roar?
Sleep on the Borders of the Nile,
And trust the wily Crocodile?
'Tis vain to shun a Woman's Hate,
Heavy the Blow, and sure as Fate.
Phillis appear'd among the Croud,
But not so talkative, and loud,
With Silence and with Care supprest
The glowing Vengeance in her Breast,
Resolv'd by Stratagem, and Art,
To make the saucy Villain smart.
The cunning Baggage had prepar'd
Pomatum, of the finest Lard,
With strong Astringents mix'd the Mess,
Alom, and Vitriol, Q. S.
Arsnick, and Bole. But I want Time
To turn all Quincy into Rhime,
Twou'd make my Diction too sublime.
Her Grandame this Receipt had taught,
Which Bendo from Grand Cairo brought,
An able Stiptick (as tis said)
To sodder a crack'd M---d.
This Ointment being duly made,
The Jilt upon her Toylet laid:
The saunt'ring Cully soon appears,
As usual, Vows, Protests, and Swears;
Careless an Op'ra Tune he hums,
Plunders her Patch-Box, breaks her Combs.
As up and down the Monkey plaid,
His Hand upon the Box he laid,
The fatal Box. Pleas'd with her Wiles,
The Treacherous Pandora smiles.
What's this, cries Jack? That Box (said she)
Pomatum, what else should it be?
But here 'tis fit my Reader knows
'Twas March, when blust'ring Boreas blows,
Stern Enemy to Belles, and Beaux.
His Lips were sore; rough, pointed, torn,
The Coral bristled like a Thorn.
Pleased with a Cure so à propos,
Nor jealous of so fair a Foe,
The healing Ointment thick he spread,
And ev'ry gapeing Cranny fed.
His Chops begin to glow, and shoot,
He strove to speak, but oh! was mute,
Mute as a Fish, all he could strain,
Were some hoarse Gutt'rals forc'd with pain.
He stamps, he raves, he sobs, he sighs,
The Tears ran trickling from his Eyes;
He thought, but could not speak a Curse,
His Lips were drawn into a Purse,
Just like—like what?—why like mine A---
(Faith 'twas an entertaining Farce)
Madam no longer could contain,
Triumphant Joy bursts out amain;
She laughs, she screams, the House is rais'd,
Thro' all the Street th' Affair is blaz'd:
In shoals now all the Neighbours come,
Laugh out, and press into the Room.
Sir Harry Taudry, and his Bride,
Miss Tulip deck'd in all her Pride;
Wise Madam Froth, and Widow Babble,
Coquets, and Prudes, a mighty Rabble.
So great a Concourse ne'er was known
At Smithfield, when a Monster's shown;
When Bears dance Jiggs with comely Mien,
When witty Punch adorns the Scene,
Or frolick Pug plays Harlequin.
In vain he strives to hide his Head,
In vain he creeps behind the Bed,
Ferretted thence, expos'd to view,
The Croud their clam'rous Shouts renew:
A thousand Taunts, a thousand Jeers,
Stark dumb, the passive Creature hears.
No perjur'd Villain nail'd on high,
And pelted in the Pillory,
His Face besmear'd, his Eyes, his Chops,
With rotten Eggs, and Turnip-tops,
Was e'er so maul'd. Phillis, at last,
To pay him for Offences past,
With sneering Malice in her Face
Thus spoke, and gave the Coup de Grace:
Lard! how demure, and how precise
He looks! Silence becomes the Wise.
Vile Tongue! its Master to betray,
But now the Pris'ner must obey,
I've lock'd the Door, and keep the Key.
Learn hence, what angry Woman can,
When wrong'd by that false Traytor Man;
Who boasts our Favours, soon, or late,
The treach'rous Blab, shall feel our Hate.