Vulgus Britannicus Or, The British Hudibrass [by Edward Ward] |
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CANTO IX. The Peoples Clamours at the Charge of Warding and Trainbanding.
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 | Vulgus Britannicus |  |
CANTO IX. The Peoples Clamours at the Charge of Warding and Trainbanding.
Fresh
Clamours now arose about,
The Charge occasion'd by the Rout;
Which gave the Mod'rate Saints a Handle,
To Curse the Priest, Bell, Book and Candle;
Charging the long expensive guarding,
Their Double Watching, and their Warding
On him; when 'twas their Moderation
That gave the very first Occasion:
So Country Knaves that Love the Law,
Break their own Fence to have a Claw,
Against some Neighbour, and to pound
Whate'er they catch within their Ground.
The Charge occasion'd by the Rout;
Which gave the Mod'rate Saints a Handle,
To Curse the Priest, Bell, Book and Candle;
Charging the long expensive guarding,
Their Double Watching, and their Warding
On him; when 'twas their Moderation
That gave the very first Occasion:
So Country Knaves that Love the Law,
Break their own Fence to have a Claw,
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Whate'er they catch within their Ground.
The Constables now rang'd their Wards,
To collect Mony for their Guards;
And huff'd and strutted at the Doors
Of all their Poor Parishioners;
Opprest the needy with Pretences,
Of being at such vast Expences;
That should their Pay be still more large,
It would not half defray the Charge;
When their own Pockets daily shar'd,
Much more than all their Drowsy Herd;
The Poor they hector'd to Complyance,
Whilst the Rich bid the Knaves Defiance;
And wisely knew the cunning Cheat,
Because themselves had practis'd it;
When in their Parishes they bore,
The self-same Office heretofore;
Thus always those that have the least
To guard themselves, are most opprest;
Whilst he that's Rich tho' ne'er so base,
Shall favour find in e'ery Case.
To collect Mony for their Guards;
And huff'd and strutted at the Doors
Of all their Poor Parishioners;
Opprest the needy with Pretences,
Of being at such vast Expences;
That should their Pay be still more large,
It would not half defray the Charge;
When their own Pockets daily shar'd,
Much more than all their Drowsy Herd;
The Poor they hector'd to Complyance,
Whilst the Rich bid the Knaves Defiance;
And wisely knew the cunning Cheat,
Because themselves had practis'd it;
When in their Parishes they bore,
The self-same Office heretofore;
Thus always those that have the least
To guard themselves, are most opprest;
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Shall favour find in e'ery Case.
Long Staves were now set up by Scores,
Without side of their Watch-house Doors;
To make all those that chanc'd to view 'em
Believe they'd Men belonging to 'em;
When all the Feeble Parish Guard,
The careful Constable had hird,
Were four or five poor crazy Wretches,
Who scarce could crawl without their Crutches;
But wanted Staves to walk about,
Because they could not go without;
Yet Midnight Magistrate to gull
The Parish, make them pay their full,
As if their Watch and Ward were able,
To thrash the Jackets of the Rabble;
When they're too crazy in a Fray,
To stand, or yet to run away;
But if attack'd by three old Wives,
Must cry out Mercy for their Lives;
Therefore how grand a Cheat it is,
To pay for such a Guard as this;
Who in a dang'rous time of need,
Have neither Courage, Strength or Speed,
To help themselves or us, in case,
We want Assistance in Distress;
I therefore hope with all Submission,
'Twill not amount to a Digression;
If by the way I give a Sketch,
Of a true Smoak-dry'd City Watch.
Without side of their Watch-house Doors;
To make all those that chanc'd to view 'em
Believe they'd Men belonging to 'em;
When all the Feeble Parish Guard,
The careful Constable had hird,
Were four or five poor crazy Wretches,
Who scarce could crawl without their Crutches;
But wanted Staves to walk about,
Because they could not go without;
Yet Midnight Magistrate to gull
The Parish, make them pay their full,
As if their Watch and Ward were able,
To thrash the Jackets of the Rabble;
When they're too crazy in a Fray,
To stand, or yet to run away;
But if attack'd by three old Wives,
Must cry out Mercy for their Lives;
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To pay for such a Guard as this;
Who in a dang'rous time of need,
Have neither Courage, Strength or Speed,
To help themselves or us, in case,
We want Assistance in Distress;
I therefore hope with all Submission,
'Twill not amount to a Digression;
If by the way I give a Sketch,
Of a true Smoak-dry'd City Watch.
They commonly consist of Fellows,
At first made Beggars by the Alehouse;
Where day by day they us'd to sot,
At All-fours, Cribidge or at Put;
And Range Moorfields sometimes to find,
A set of Ninepins to their Mind;
Or run a Mile to spend a day,
At Shovel-board, or such like play;
Till by their Guzling and Neglect
Of Work, for what they more affect;
They lose their Business, and at length
Their Credit, and when old their Strength;
Then when they're Crazy, stiff an Crippl'd,
Quite surfeited with Belch they've tippl'd,
And to the Parish must become,
Thro' Age and Weakness burthensome;
And have thro' carelessness been thrown
From Houses, once perhaps their own;
They're chose by the Parochial Powers,
To be a hopeful Guard to Ours;
When from their own they run away
By Night, not minding them by Day;
But who would trust a Bankrupt Knave,
Not worth a Groat, with all they have;
Or make him Guardian of his Child,
Whose own had by himself been spoil'd.
At first made Beggars by the Alehouse;
Where day by day they us'd to sot,
At All-fours, Cribidge or at Put;
And Range Moorfields sometimes to find,
A set of Ninepins to their Mind;
Or run a Mile to spend a day,
At Shovel-board, or such like play;
Till by their Guzling and Neglect
Of Work, for what they more affect;
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Their Credit, and when old their Strength;
Then when they're Crazy, stiff an Crippl'd,
Quite surfeited with Belch they've tippl'd,
And to the Parish must become,
Thro' Age and Weakness burthensome;
And have thro' carelessness been thrown
From Houses, once perhaps their own;
They're chose by the Parochial Powers,
To be a hopeful Guard to Ours;
When from their own they run away
By Night, not minding them by Day;
But who would trust a Bankrupt Knave,
Not worth a Groat, with all they have;
Or make him Guardian of his Child,
Whose own had by himself been spoil'd.
Thus thro' Compassion when decay'd,
They're Staff and Lanthorn Champions made;
And now they take themselves to be
Strange Scarecrows of Authority;
Like Bats and Owls they shun the Light,
And prove most noisy in the Night;
In Holes and Cocklofts sleep by day,
And in the Dark look out for Prey;
Grow proud and saucy which they learn
Of Parish Beadle stiff and stern;
Sworn in a Constable to save
From Midnight Damps, some Wealthy Knave.
Who scorns the Wooden Chair of State,
That keeps the Bulbeef Magistrate,
From his Wife's warmer Arms so late.
They're Staff and Lanthorn Champions made;
And now they take themselves to be
Strange Scarecrows of Authority;
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And prove most noisy in the Night;
In Holes and Cocklofts sleep by day,
And in the Dark look out for Prey;
Grow proud and saucy which they learn
Of Parish Beadle stiff and stern;
Sworn in a Constable to save
From Midnight Damps, some Wealthy Knave.
Who scorns the Wooden Chair of State,
That keeps the Bulbeef Magistrate,
From his Wife's warmer Arms so late.
When thus the Poor Nocturnal Elves,
Have got a Leader like themselves;
They triumph then at past Eleven
O'er all that to the Cup are given;
By saucy Provocations cause,
Mad drunken Rakes to break the Laws;
And by warm irritating Words,
Excite them to unsheath their Swords;
That when they scarce can stand alone,
Their Merc'less Staves may fetch 'em down;
Break their own Lanthorns to recover
More Damage when the Fray is over;
Then haul 'em in like Dogs before
The Hireling Deputy in Pow'r,
Who Knits his Magisterial Brow,
And after asking where and how;
Knocks his Staff hard upon the Floor,
And sternly crys, I'll hear no more;
What draw their Swords; go see 'em strait,
I charge you, in at Counter-Gate;
And I shall find a way to morrow,
To tame their Courage to their Sorrow;
Thus are they hurry'd over Night
By th' Watch, to Jayl by Candlelight;
And the next Day when brought before
Sir Grim, must pay for many more
Rash Oaths and Curses than they swore;
Nay, and make Good before they're freed,
Those Damages they never did;
Pay saucy Watch and Conywobble,
Full Satisfaction for their Trouble,
And so Good-morrow Mr. Bubble.
Have got a Leader like themselves;
They triumph then at past Eleven
O'er all that to the Cup are given;
By saucy Provocations cause,
Mad drunken Rakes to break the Laws;
And by warm irritating Words,
Excite them to unsheath their Swords;
That when they scarce can stand alone,
Their Merc'less Staves may fetch 'em down;
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More Damage when the Fray is over;
Then haul 'em in like Dogs before
The Hireling Deputy in Pow'r,
Who Knits his Magisterial Brow,
And after asking where and how;
Knocks his Staff hard upon the Floor,
And sternly crys, I'll hear no more;
What draw their Swords; go see 'em strait,
I charge you, in at Counter-Gate;
And I shall find a way to morrow,
To tame their Courage to their Sorrow;
Thus are they hurry'd over Night
By th' Watch, to Jayl by Candlelight;
And the next Day when brought before
Sir Grim, must pay for many more
Rash Oaths and Curses than they swore;
Nay, and make Good before they're freed,
Those Damages they never did;
Pay saucy Watch and Conywobble,
Full Satisfaction for their Trouble,
And so Good-morrow Mr. Bubble.
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These are the honest means they use,
Not to protect but to abuse;
Nor do they watch but with intent
To do those Ills they should prevent;
The Thieves in London seldom Rob
By Night, or undertake a Job,
But that they may the better do it,
They make a Watchman privy to it;
The Whore that plies at Tavern late,
And to her Lodging Carr's her Mate;
Is always with the Watch in see,
Within her stroling Liberty;
That she at Twelve or One may lead,
Some drunken Cully to her Bed;
Without the fear of being hurry'd
To have her sinful Back new curry'd:
So he that holds a gainful place,
Where Riches may be got apace;
Bribes him that is a Check upon him,
That when he once by Gold has won him,
He then may play the Knave securely,
Deceive and pinch the Publick hourly,
As many do that look demurely.
Not to protect but to abuse;
Nor do they watch but with intent
To do those Ills they should prevent;
The Thieves in London seldom Rob
By Night, or undertake a Job,
But that they may the better do it,
They make a Watchman privy to it;
The Whore that plies at Tavern late,
And to her Lodging Carr's her Mate;
Is always with the Watch in see,
Within her stroling Liberty;
That she at Twelve or One may lead,
Some drunken Cully to her Bed;
Without the fear of being hurry'd
To have her sinful Back new curry'd:
So he that holds a gainful place,
Where Riches may be got apace;
Bribes him that is a Check upon him,
That when he once by Gold has won him,
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Deceive and pinch the Publick hourly,
As many do that look demurely.
| Vulgus Britannicus | |