Ars catchpolaria, or the art of destroying mankind Intended as a Vade-mecum or Pocket Companion to Messengers and other executors of the Law [by James Wilson] |
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| I. | SCENE I. Ecclefechin. |
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 | Ars catchpolaria, or the art of destroying mankind |  |
SCENE I. Ecclefechin.
DornockSolus.
O heavens support my every sense!
A large estate! yet barr'd from pence!
Trust deeds and curs'd adjudications,
Bonds, inhibitions, damn'd vexations,
Oppress my land and tear my soul,
While interest on interests roll.
A gentleman!—O hated name;
Rapacious rogues pursue the game,
Like as the hounds the timid hare,
Sp---ll and others smell me there:
M'M--- too, fam'd for his nose,
Blood suckers, false friends, worst of foes,
Pursue my foot, they beat each brake,
To pick my bones, me bankrupt make.
Shall I worth twenty thousand pounds,
Fall down a victim to these hounds.
Where shall I fly to build relief?
For sure each writer is a thief,
Who will conjoin and lend their aid,
Turn head and tail just as their paid;
A broken Laird affords fine picking,
To rascals whose sole trade is tricking:
Yet to some one I must apply,
That rogue 'gainst rogues his skill may try.
A Pastor's son my neighbour near,
Who also thirsts to swill my cheer,
Must be my choice. Let fear be hush
A drowning man will catch a bush.
Enter Pastoris Filius, a writer.
A large estate! yet barr'd from pence!
Trust deeds and curs'd adjudications,
Bonds, inhibitions, damn'd vexations,
Oppress my land and tear my soul,
While interest on interests roll.
A gentleman!—O hated name;
Rapacious rogues pursue the game,
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Sp---ll and others smell me there:
M'M--- too, fam'd for his nose,
Blood suckers, false friends, worst of foes,
Pursue my foot, they beat each brake,
To pick my bones, me bankrupt make.
Shall I worth twenty thousand pounds,
Fall down a victim to these hounds.
Where shall I fly to build relief?
For sure each writer is a thief,
Who will conjoin and lend their aid,
Turn head and tail just as their paid;
A broken Laird affords fine picking,
To rascals whose sole trade is tricking:
Yet to some one I must apply,
That rogue 'gainst rogues his skill may try.
A Pastor's son my neighbour near,
Who also thirsts to swill my cheer,
Must be my choice. Let fear be hush
A drowning man will catch a bush.
Pray Douglas, Dornock's rightful heir,
Can I asswage or heal your care?
Can I by law or subtile wile,
By intervention those beguile,
Whose steady scent tread on your toes—
Say can I counteract your foes!
For I am learned in the law,
And will a disposition draw;
In my own person vest your lands,
To save it from the vulture's hands.—
Advised be, haste, sign the deed.—
You wont mistrust the Godly seed.
Can I asswage or heal your care?
Can I by law or subtile wile,
By intervention those beguile,
Whose steady scent tread on your toes—
Say can I counteract your foes!
For I am learned in the law,
And will a disposition draw;
In my own person vest your lands,
To save it from the vulture's hands.—
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You wont mistrust the Godly seed.
Dornock.
Stop short my buck, I smell a rat,
And guess too what you're driving at;
With sham pretexts you slyly aim,
By cunning to run down the game;
Such master strokes of writers skill
Deter me from the dang'rous quill:
I'll give a fee with all my heart,
But not one fur of land I'll part;
Here's a round sum, espouse my cause
[giving a purse.
I ask no shelter but from laws;
Justice I want and ask no more,
Procure me that for yellow Ore;
But if you e'er assume to name
Transferrence that detested game,
I'll scorn your aid tho' son of church
And in the abbey rather lurch,
Let ev'ry villain do his worst,
I'm Dornick; they may go be curst. [Pastoris Filius aside.
I'm bauk'd by Jove,—he dreads my scheme.—
And wont divest or yield the game.—
Another project I must try,
His creditors I'll artful ply,
His debts I'll purchase, here and there,
And then I'll hound him as a hare. [Exit.
Vide Decreet of Ranking.
| Ars catchpolaria, or the art of destroying mankind | |