University of Virginia Library

THE SEQUEL: CONTAINING WHAT WAS OMITTED IN THE TRIUMVIRADE, OR BROAD-BOTTOMRY, AT THE ASTERISKS.

THEN struck up a Smart with a soldierly air,
But with less of rough Mars than of Venus the fair;
A kind of commander, I ween, in the war,
Yet with limbs safe and sound and his skin without scar;
And who should it be? why no less than an Earl;
Adds my life! the stout warrior, Mynheer Albemarle!
Quoth he, “in regard to my ancestor's merit,
“Who came over to England crown gifts to inherit,
“Which imbitter'd the great Revolution so much
“As to give an e'erlasting dislike to the Dutch,
“(Confound 'em a self-interested, odd people!
“O'erwhelm'd with Corruption and practis'd in Quibble)
“I was put in command of a very good troop,
“E're yet on my palfrey I well could mount up,
“My nice regulations were quickly made known,
“At th' expense of some families ruin'd, in town:
“All under-siz'd fellows I caus'd to sell out
“At half they got in, so to pocket the boot.
“I match'd them so equal in rank and in size,
“That the tips of their noses, their chins, and their eyes
“Form'd three as strait lines, as an artist could strike;
“Their shoulders, their elbows, and bums did the like.
“When Marlb'rough resign'd in resentment and pique,
“Of which he repented, perhaps, in a week;
“I apply'd, and his station was promis'd to me,
“As fittest t'eclipse such a warrior as he.
“The council infernal confirm it as done,
“And the more as 'twas kept in suspense by Great John.”
“As nor good, nor great harm, you can do to the state,
“And that 'tis expedient an Earl should eat,
“We confirm, by the strength of our new assum'd pow'rs,”
(Quoth the Three) “little Lordling, the regiment as yours.”
Here they thought to have clos'd—'Till a Wight, bold as ever
Cock'd up, without colour of merit, his beaver;
Too assumingly frank, under front most audacious,
Yet cunningly knowing his int'rest, and cautious;
A convenient acquaintance, tho' apt to deceive,
Slipt up thro' the hole, without orders or leave;
Feign'd he came from the devil; and truly so said,
State-pack-horse, he meant, with mechanical head;
The munificent patron of wit and politeness!
(Attend all ye authors of Britain and witness)
Tho' his brother had all the great qualities, art
Combining with nature, to man could impart;
Yet pack-horse excell'd him, distinguishing loon!
So belov'd thro' our nation, and eke thro' his own.
Attentively mark him! contemplate him well!
How noble his aspect! his air how genteel!
The prettiest fine gentleman sure in the court,
And so Christian withal, of a saint little short!
But his toad-eater-agent thus set forth his case:
“By my country and birth I'm of Ap Shenkin race;
“First preferr'd in the Customs t' a Six-penny Seat
“In the common Long-room, which scarce made me eat.
“Next, this for a martial Baudrier I chang'd,
“So a kind of a captain thro' Drury I rang'd:
“At least was so call'd, as you know at the worse,
“Whoever wears red is a captain of course.
“I gam'd and I whor'd, play'd Levant and such tricks,
“I sometimes got money, but frequently kicks,
“Then married a good ancient dame for my wife,
“And sent her to board to the country for life.
“Was a Westminster justice soon afterwards made,
“And drove on a while, like Sir Thomas, the trade;
“Or Tow'r-Hamlet Sir Clifford, whom erst I have seen
“Sole Groom of the Stole to the Steeds at an inn:
“So had frequent occasion to serve well my betters—
“The affair of Sir Redstring I manag'd by setters.
“'Twas I that set on, and procur'd, the divorce,
“And broke the Church charm of ‘for better for worse.’
“'Twas I set the Colonel to honour his head,
“And contriv'd the next mcrning to catch him in bed.
“The knight became grateful and got me a place,
“And sent me to Scotland, by means of his Grace.
“But was heavily quarter'd, however, upon,
“Yet refus'd to tell tales to have Orford undone.
“Or seem'd so to such, who admir'd at my 'scape
“From the fate of poor Paxton, so wond'rously cheap.
“For, in fact, I was sent by the late great—
“To demur as I did, to give room for a bill;
“Since what I'd to say, cou'd but little avail
“To take off the E—l, or cast him in jail.
“But my roguery in seeming t'evade all their questions,
“Did, with Paxton's fidelity, furnish suggestions.
“Now the Baronet's dead I put in for his place,
“State-Pack-horse will vouch for the truth of my case.
“You may half, if you please, but not quarter my score
“With some Yea and Nay Member, pimp, bawd, or some whore.
“As, without it, I know one must ne'er think to rise;
“'Tis so in the Customs and so in th' Excise,
“With all Out-house Placemen the same, who can't say,
“In a Ministry's service, nor Yea nor the Nay.
The Triumvirate balanc'd—howe'er to be quiet,
And get rid of the creature, they granted the fiat.
“If to place be preferr'd such a parasite shaver,
“A brace of good authors may surely meet favour,”
Was heard in the hole, as if spoke by a couple;
When something bolts up, not unlike a man double.
Twas two clench'd together, side to side, ne'er to quit,
Like a brace of good rabbits truss'd up for the spit.
One half-side like Tonus, tall, meagre, and lank,
Balanc'd up on each side by a thin spindle shank,
Inhos'd all in white, their proportion to show,
Like the legs of a doll, and e'en jointed so too.
In the cast-offs of Tonus, beau'd out for his grace,
Ah! cou'd he but get to his cast-off old place.
A visage far north, a bold front did impart,
Yet blushing, as conscious how vain was the heart.
An huge rod of birch, quite as big as some brooms,
As tho' he'd been Deputy Flogger of bums,
He display'd in his hand, magisterially great!
To flog ev'ry Statesman, who'd not make him eat.
T'other moiety-side, as short, did ill pair,
As with art did his own dear octangular square.
By Principle Swiss, as he fought for his pay,
Who for Paxton wrote erst is for Wallo to-day:
For this side, and t'other, and both he resolves,
While Ralph howls to Cynthia be silent ye wolves.
One a maker of pamphlets, and t'other of matter
To fill them withal, and for Coffee house chatter.
This a draggle-tail muse in his bosom does nourish,
And that writes the Hist'ry of England in flourish.
Lo! there, what I've heard my old grannam oft say,
The boys were all drown'd, and the rest ran away.
Independent Electors of Westminster both!
Without property, vote, house, maxim, or troth.
One cloak cover'd both, ill compos'd of raffriffry,
Old England, or Broadbottom Journal, by Jeff'ry:
With letters initial and dashes all ran over,
Hanover, Hanover, Hanover, Hanover:
Till the nauseated reader, no longer cou'd brook
The hoarse cuckow note, all bestain'd them with puke.
Then a couple of more Independent Electors,
Broadbottom Mæcenases both and protectors
Appear'd; one, forsooth, an Esquire by his name,
O! Ye buboes and shankers retire at his fame!
A medley of surgeon, of nurse, and physician,
Mock doctor, mock mason, and mock politician.
His worthy associate as smart as a carrot,
As pert as a magpy, and loud as a parrot;
The Orator's genuine little game cock,
As good as e'er crow'd, or as strutted, or struck.
Inclos'd, as it were, in an odd masquerade,
Expressive, I deem, of his new-fashion'd trade;
Capuchin'd were his shoulders, his head in the cowl,
While a Broadbottom hoop went below round the whole.
“I am” (for to speak he'd a wonderful itch,
And as nimble his tongue as his fingers to stitch)
Quoth he, “an hoop-petticoat maker for fo'ks,
“Smock-under-coats too, capuchins and short cloaks,
“Fine masquerade dresses shap'd out with an air;
“Egad! I cou'd fit you all three to an hair.
“Now to harlequin characters, what wou'd you say?
“To dance Bobbin Joan in, or figure the haye,
“Made of Jeff'ry's state pamphlets, and Ralph's Gazetteers
“His Champions, his Craftsmen, and all their Picqueers!
“What a contrast they'd form, with their pro and their con?
“Here for Bluestring a patch, there against him and John.
“For Hanover this, and for old England that,
“Plain Abuse on the King, and some hints for the State.
“And yet is your masque, as you are, much more true,
“For who will expect to find Statesmen in you?
“Tho' I vary in spelling my name now and then,
“Sometimes without u and sometimes without n.
“Tho' I can't write myself, save in making a bill,
“Which indeed I can do in a very good stile.
“Yet my little fine boy has a third in the paper,
“(God love it! how much like the sire and how dapper!)
“'Tis I pay the reck'ning, whenever we meet,
“For to treat is my province, and theirs is to write.
Then, turning about on their honours his breech,
To the Placemen address'd both his face and his speech,
Shook hands with them 'round, and familiarly
“We have knock'd, at the last, this great man on the head.
“We shall do very well, as our matters now fall-in,
“Believe, my good friends, little Broadbottom Palmerston.
“We shall now see our fleet even Paris attack,
“And a Vernon flag'd out for old foul-weatherjack.
“Our Army recall'd, quite disbanded and broke,
“For where there's a Navy, an Army's a joke.
“The septennial revers'd, and enquiries set up,
“All Placemen expell'd, and for Robin a rope.
“Rare times! as the speech-makers all of the House
“Are in posts, and none left to say, boh to a goose.
“Your custom, is all that I ask, for my wife,
“Her commodity's wond'rously good, on my life.
“She's to all Independent Electors genteel,
“Her friends, e'er they buy, are all welcome to feel.”
Then Esquire, less renown'd for his plaisterbox trade,
Than for annual custom of mock cavalcade,
Who, as tir'd of his forceps, his lancet and probe,
His syringe, his pharmacy, bandage and daub;
Had apply'd to spread out a good plaister of State,
To cure ev'ry ail in a Minister's pate.
Declar'd, he wou'd lay all his surg'ry aside
And to Greenwich row down for a place with the tide.
Quoth Ralph, “To the Cofferer's office I'll fly.”
Quoth the third, “To the old Cotton library I,”
For the long promis'd patent, so usefully earn'd
By my eminent self, so well known 'mong the learn'd!
If they grant it, my pen and my country I'll drop;
If not, they shall know I a'n't easy to stop.
And, quoth little state Palmerston, “I'll home to my shop.”