Poems upon several Occasions | ||
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The British Heroes:
OR, A New BALLAD in Honour of St. GEORGE, &c.
By Mr. JOHN GRUBB, late of Christ-Church, OXON.
Favete linguis: Carmina non prius
Audita, Musarum Sacerdos,
------Canto.
Hor.
Audita, Musarum Sacerdos,
------Canto.
Hor.
I.
The Story of King Arthur OldA right Noble, Valorous Prince, and a Bold Britain. He is Famous for Keeping a Good Round Table for Himself, and his Knights. Tho' our Hudibras seems to be of a different Opinion:
------ Arthur wore in Hall
Round Table like a Farthingal;
On which, with Shirt pull'd out behind,
And eke before, his Good Knights din'd.
Tho' 'twas no Table, some suppose,
But a huge Pair of round Trunk Hose.
Round Table like a Farthingal;
On which, with Shirt pull'd out behind,
And eke before, his Good Knights din'd.
Tho' 'twas no Table, some suppose,
But a huge Pair of round Trunk Hose.
Hud.
Is very memorable,
For Number of his Valiant Knights,
And Roundness of his Table:
His Knights in Circle round it sat,
As round, as round might be,
And all together made up one
Large Hoop of Chivalry.
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Ycleped Calibourn,
'Twould cut a Flint more easily
Than Penknife pares a Corn.
As Roman Augur's Steel of Yore
Dissected Tarquin's Riddle,
So this would cut both Conjurer,
And Whetstone in the Middle.
He was the Cream of Brecknock,
And Flow'r of all the Welch:
But Good St. George the Dragon fell'd,
And gav' him a plaguy Squelch.
St. George he was for England,
St. Dennis was for France,
Sing Honi Soit qui Mal y pense.
St. Dennis was for France,
Sing Honi Soit qui Mal y pense.
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II.
Tamerlane with Tartarian BowThe Turkish Squadrons slew,
And fetch'd the Pagan Crescent down,
With Half-Moon made of Yew.
His trusty Bow proud Turks did gall
With Show'rs of Arrows thick;
And Bow-strings, without Strangling, sent
Grand-Viziers to Old Nick.
He coop't in Cage grim Bajazet,
Prop of Mahown's Religion,
As if't had been the whisp'ring Bird
That prompted him, the Pigeon.
In Turky-Leather Scabbard he
Did sheath his Blade so Trenchant,
But George he swing'd the Dragon's Tail,
And cut off ev'ry Inch on't.
St. George, &c.
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III.
He was the Son of Thetis, a Goddess of the Sea. Tho' some Authors tell you, She was no more than the Retailer of an Oyster-Tub, and in Days of Yore cry'd Thames Flounders.
A Centaur, which is a promiscuous Creature, made up of a Man and an Horse. He could kick, and cuff, go, and sit still, and (for ought I know) discourse, and neigh at the same time. Our Author says, He taught Achilles to Ride the Great Horse; and 'tis very likely that his Pupil (like most Young Gentlemen) sometimes Rode him.
The Great Horse for to ride,
Taught by the Centaurs Rational Part
Th' Hinnible to bestride.
Bright Silver Feet, and shining Face
Had the stout Hero's Mother;
As Rapier's silver'd at one End,
And wounds you with the other.
Thetis to Two-fold Pedagogue
Commits her tender Boy,
Who bred him from a slender Twig
To be the Scourge of Troy.
He, e're he lash'd the Trojans, was
In Stygian Water steep't,
As Birchen Rod's first sok'd in Piss,
When Boys are to be whipt.
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And Hen-Roosts, says the Song,
Carry'd away both Corn and Eggs,
Like Ants, from whence they sprung.
Himself tore Hector's Pantaloons,
And sent him down bare-breech'd
To Pedant Radamanthus, in
A Posture to be switch'd,
But George he made the Dragon look
As if h' had been bewitch'd.
St. George, &c.
IV.
The Amazon Thalestris wasBoth beautiful and bold,
She sear'd her Breasts with Iron hot,
And bang'd her Foes with cold.
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Jove keeps proud Mortals under,
Like his with dreadful Flashes shone,
And batter'd like his Thunder.
Her Eyes dart Lightning, that would blast
The proudest He that swagger'd,
And melt the Rapier of his Soul
In its Corporeal Scabbard.
She kept the Chastness of a Nun,
In Armour, as in Cloyster;
But George undid the Dragon just
As you'd undo an Oyster.
St. George, &c.
V.
Full fatal to the Romans wasThe Carthaginian Hanni-
bal, Him I mean, who gave to them
That devilish Thump at Cannæ.
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Stood on the Alps's Front,
Their one-ey'd Guide, like blinking Mole,
Bor'd thro' th' opposing Mount;
Who, baffl'd by the Massy Rock,
Took Verjuice for Relief,
Like Ploughmen, when they hew their Way
Thro' stubborn Rump of Beef.
As dancing Louts from humid Toes
Cast Atoms of ill Savour,
While Village Waits blink o're vile Crowd,
And Merriment endeavour;
Sawing from suff'ring Timber out
A wretched Tune to quiver;
So Romans stunk, and squeak'd at Sight
Of African Conniver.
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Did serve him for a Vizard;
But George he made the Dragon have
A Grumbling in his Gizzard.
St. George, &c.
VI.
Pendragon, like his Father Jove,Was fed with Milk of Goat,
And in Return a Shield made of
His shaggy Nurse's Coat.
On Top of burnish'd Helmet he
Did wear a Crest of Leeks,
And Onion-Heads, whose dreadful Nod
Drew Tears from Hostile Cheeks.
Itch and Welch Blood did make him hot,
And very prone to Ire,
H' was ting'd with Brimstone like a Match,
And would as soon take Fire.
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But was for adverse Drubbing,
Nor ever turn'd his Back to ought,
But to a Post for Scrubbing.
He wounded, and in their own Blood
Did Anabaptize Pagans;
But George he made the Dragon an
Example to all Dragons.
St. George, &c.
VII.
Gorgon a twisted Adder woreFor Knot upon her Shoulder,
She kemb'd her hissing Perewig,
And Curling Snakes did powder.
These Snakes they made stiff Changelings
Of all Folks that they hiss't on,
They transform'd Barbers into Hones,
And Masons into Free-stone.
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And Pyrrhus' Work unravels,
And stares Deucalion's hardy Boys
Into their Prim'tive Pebbles.
She Noddles into Marble turns,
That weeps at Change of Weather;
But George the Dragon tore, as Heav'n
And Earth wou'd come together.
St. George, &c.
VIII.
Brave Warwick-Guy, at Dinner-time,Challeng'd a Giant Savage,
When strait came out unweildy Lout
Brimful of Wrath and Cabbage:
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And was full thick in th' Middle,
The puff'd Cheeks of a Trumpeter,
And Paunch of Squire-Beadle;
But the Knight fell'd him like an Oak,
And did upon his Back tread,
The Valiant Guy his Weazon cut,
And Atropos his Packthread.
Besides he fought with a Dun Cow,
As say the Poets witty,
A dreadful Dun, and horned too,
Like Dun of Oxford City.
She vanquish'd many a sturdy Wight,
And proud was of the Honour,
Was puff'd by mauling Butchers so,
As if themselves had blown her.
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But all that would not fright him;
Who wav'd his Whinniard o're Sir Loin,
As if h' had gone to knight him.
Then slew, and rear'd vast Crooked Rib,
Instead of Arch Triumphal;
But George the Dragon gave a Doust,
Which made him on his Bum fall.
St. George, &c.
IX.
Great Hercules the Offspring wasOf Jove and Fair Alcmene,
One Part of him Celestial was,
The other Part Terrene:
To Scale the Hero's Cradle-Walls
Two fiery Snakes combin'd,
And Curling into swadling Bands,
About the Infant twin'd:
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And e're he scarce had Rag on,
Squeez'd out the Poyson Flames and Breath
Of one—and th' other Dragon.
He cleans'd a Stable, and rubb'd down
The Horses of New-Comers,
And out of Horse-Dung rais'd up Fame,
As Gard'ner does Cu-cumbers.
Alpheus the liquid Ostler, he
Appointed Under-Groom,
The Streams disgust at Office mean,
Went murm'ring thro' the Room.
This Hercules as Soldier, and
As Spinster could take pains;
His Club would sometimes spin you Flax,
And sometimes knock out Brains.
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And oftentimes he boxed,
Tapp'd a fresh Monster once a Week,
As Drawer does fresh Hogshead.
He gave Antæus a close Hug,
As Wrestlers do in Cornwal;
But George the Dragon knock'd o' th' Head,
As dead as any Door-Nail.
St. George, &c.
X.
The Valour of DomitianMust never be forgotten,
Who from the Jaws of blowing Flies
Protected Veal and Mutton.
A Squadron of Flies-Errant now
Against the Foe appears,
With Regiments of buzzing Knights,
And Swarms of Volunteers.
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With animating Hum,
And the loud brazen Hornet was
Instead of Kettle-Drum.
The Spanish Don Cantharido
Did him most sorely pester,
And rais'd on Skin of Vent'rous Knight
Full many a plaguy Blister.
A Bee whipt thro' his Button-hole,
As thro' Key-hole a Witch,
And stabb'd him with a little Tuck,
Drawn out of Scabbard-Breech.
But the undaunted Knight lifts up
An Arm both big and brawny,
And slash'd her so, that here lay Head,
And there lay Bag of Honey.
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And Maggots too at Cæsar;
But George he shav'd the Dragon's Beard,
And Ask'lon was his Razor.
St. George, &c.
XI.
The Gemini sprung from an Egg,Which laid was in a Cradle,
Their Brains with Knocks and Bottl'd Ale
Were oftentimes full addle.
Castor a Horseman, Pollux eke
A Boxer was I wist,
The one was fam'd for Iron Heel,
Th' other for Leaden Fist.
Pollux, to shew he was a God,
When he was in a Passion,
With Fist made Noses fall down flat
By way of Adoration.
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Demolish'd Noses Ridges,
And, like a certain Lord, was fam'd
For breaking down of Bridges.
Castor's fam'd Horse that liv'd on Oats
Is Sung on Oaten Quill,
By Bard's immortal Provender
The Nag surviveth still.
This shelly Brood on none but Knaves
Employ'd their brisk Artill'ry,
Nat'rally flew at Rogues, as Eggs
At Dan. de Foe in Pillory.
Much Sweat they spent in furious Fight,
Much Blood they did effund,
Their Whites they vented thro' the Pores,
Their Yolks thro' gaping Wound.
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To make a Heav'nly Sign,
The Lads were, like their Armour, scour'd,
And then hung up to shine.
Such were the Heav'nly Double Dicks,
The Sons of Jove and Tindar;
But George he cut the Dragon up,
Like any Duck or Whindar.
St. George, &c.
XII.
By Boar-Spear Meleager ac-quired a Lasting Name,
And from the Haunch of basted Swine
Hew'd out Eternal Fame.
His tawny Hairs erected were
By Rage that was resistless;
And Wrath, instead of Cobler's Wax,
Stiffen'd his rising Brist—les.
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Nor Whip nor Horn cou'd wake 'em;
It made them vent both their last Blood,
And their last Album Græcum.
But the Knight gor'd him with his Spear,
To make of him a tame one,
And Arrows thick, instead of Cloves,
He stuck in Monster's Gammon.
For Monumental Pillar, that
His Triumphs might be known,
He rais'd up in Cylindrick Form
A Collar of the Brawn.
He sent his Shade to Shades below,
In Stygian Mud to wallow;
And eke the stout St. George est soon
He made the Dragon follow.
St. George he was for England,
St. Dennis was for France,
Sing Honi Soit qui Mal y pense.
St. Dennis was for France,
Sing Honi Soit qui Mal y pense.
Poems upon several Occasions | ||