University of Virginia Library

EPIGRAMS: OR, COURT CHARACTERS

LIX
TO MAXIMINA

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 41

Ovid, who bid the Ladies laugh,
Spoke only to the Young and Fair;
For Thee his Council were not safe,
Who of sound Teeth has[t] scarce a Pair;
If thou thy Glass, or Me believe,
Shun Mirth, as Foplings do the Wind;
At Durfey's Farce affect to grieve;
And let thy Eyes alone be kind.
Speak not, tho't were to give Consent;
For he that sees those rotten Bones,
Will dread the[ir] monumental Scent,
And fly thy Sigh's like dying Groans.
If thou art wise, see dismal Plays,
And to sad Stories lend thy Ear;
With the afflicted, spend thy Days,
And laugh not above once a Year.

LX
TO SEXTUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 55.

I Offer Love, but thou Respect wilt have;
Take, Sextus, all thy Pride and Folly crave;
But know, I can be no Man's Friend and Slave.

LXI
TO NYSUS

How shall we please this Age? If in a Song
We put above six Lines, they count it long;
If we contract it to an Epigram,
As deep the dwarfish Poetry they damn;
If we write Plays, few see above an Act,
And those lewd Masks, or noisie Fops distract:
Let us write Satyr then, and at our ease
Vex th' ill-natur'd Fools we cannot please.

LXII
TO CLASSICUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 69.

When thou art ask'd to Sup abroad,
Thou swear'st thou hast but newly din'd;
That eating late does overload
The Stomach, and oppress the Mind:
But if Appicius make a Treat,
The slend'rest Summons thou obey'st,
No Child is greedier of the Teat,
Then thou art of the bounteous Feast.
There thou wilt drink till every Star
Be swallow'd by the rising Sun:
Such Charms hath Wine we pay not for,
And Mirth, at others Charge begun.
Who shuns his Club, yet flies to ev'ry Treat
Does not a Supper, but a Reck'ning hate.

LXIII
TO SEXTUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 38.

What Business, or what Hope brings thee to Town,
Who can'st not Pimp, nor Cheat, nor Swear, nor Lye?
This Place will nourish no such idle Drone;
Hence, in remoter Parts thy Fortune try.
But thou hast Courage, Honesty, and Wit,
And one, or all these three, will give Thee Bread:
The Malice of this Town thou know'st not yet;
Wit is a good Diversion, but base Trade;
Cowards will, for thy Courage, call thee Bully,
Till all, like Thraso's, thy Acquaintance shun;
Rogues call thee for thy Honesty a Cully;
Yet this is all thou hast to live upon:
Friend, three such Vertues, Audley had undone;
Be wise, and e're th'art in a Jayl, be gone,
Of all that starving Crew we saw to Day
None but has kill'd his Man, or writ his Play.

LXIV
TO POSTHUMUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 12.

That thou dost Cashoo breath, and Foreign Gums,
Enough to put thy Mistress into Fits;
Tho' Rome thy Hair, and Spain thy Gloves perfumes,
Few like, but all suspect, those borrow'd Sweets:
The Gifts of various Nature come and go,
He that smells always, well does never so.

LXV
TO SCÆVA

[From Martial, Lib. 1. Ep. 54.]

If Scæva for more Friends thou care,
Which thy great Merit cannot want;
For me an humble Place prepare,
That I am new, make no complaint,
Thy dearest Friends were Strangers once, like me,
Like them, in time, I an old Friend may be,
If thou no want of friendly Vertues see.

LXVI
TO SERTORIUS

If thou do'st want a Horse, thou buy'st a Score,
Or if a Piece of Wine, thou'lt have a Tun;
Swords, Belts, or Hats, does any Cheat bring o're;
At his own Rate thou wilt have all or none.
Whil'st out of Wantonness thou buy'st so fast,
Out of meer Want thou wilt sell all at last.

LXVII
TO CLOE

[From Martial, Lib. 3. Ep. 42.]

Leave off thy Paint, Perfumes, and youthful Dress,
And Nature's failing Honesty confess;
Double we see those Faults which Art wou'd mend,
Plain downright Ugliness wou'd less offend.

LXVIII
TO CANIDIUS

Thou strutst, as if thou wert the only Lord;
When we all know of such there is an House,
Where I might sit, cou'd I the Price afford,
And Child has now three Earldoms out at use,
High Expectation does attend good Seed,
Yet none will buy a known Jade, for his Breed;
Boast not too much thy mighty Pedigree,
Were they alive, they'd be asham'd of Thee.

LXIX
TO SEPTIMUS

Thro' servile Flattery thou dost all commend:
Who cares to please, where no Man can offend?

LXX
TO FLAVIUS

Thou quiblest well, hast Craft and Industry,
Flatt'rest great Men, laugh'st at their Enemies,
Rally'st the absent, art a pretty Spy,
Yet for all this in Court thou dost not rise;
Thou play'st thy Court-game booty: I'm affraid
Th'ast promis'd Marriage, when thy Fortune's made,
And so thou dar'st not thrive upon thy Trade.

LXXI
TO CANDIDUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 43.

All Things are common amongst Friends, thou say'st;
This is thy Morning and thy Ev'ning-song,
Thou in rich Point, and Indian-Silk art dress'd
Six foreign Steeds to thy Calash belong,
Whil'st by my Cloaths the Ragman scarce wou'd gain;
And an uneasie Hackny jolts my Sides;
A Cloak embroider'd intercepts thy Rain,
A worsted Camblet my torn Breeches hides;
Turbots and Mullets thy large Dishes hold,
In mine a solitary Whiting lies;
Thy Train might Fire the impotent and old,
Whil'st my poor Hand a Ganimede supplies:
For an old wanting Friend thou'lt nothing do,
Ye[t] all is common among Friends we know;
Nothing so common, as to use 'em so.

LXXII
TO GAURUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 89.

That thou dost shorten thy long Nights with Wine,
We all forgive thee, for so Cato did;
That thou writ'st Poems without one good Line,
Tully's Example may that Weakness hide;
Thou art a Cuckold, so great Cæsar was;
Eat'st till thou spew'st, Antonius did the same;
That thou lov'st Whores, Jove loves a bucksom Lass;
But that th'art whipt, is thy peculiar Shame.

LXXIII
TO THRASO

Whil'st thou sit'st drinking up thy Loyalty,
And rail'st at Laws, thou dost not understand,
Ador'st the Ministers, who know not [thee],
Sel'st thy long Freedom for a short Command,
The Power thou aim'st at, if o're thee one have,
In a rich Coat th'art but a ranting Slave.

LXXIV
ON COSCUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 77.

Coscus, thou say'st my Epigrams are long;
I'd take thy Judgment on a Pot of Ale:
So thou may'st say the Elephant's too strong,
A Dwarf too short, the Pyramid too tall;
Things are not long, where we can nothing spare;
But, Coscus, even thy Disticks tedious are.

LXXV
TO BITHINICUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. [26].

That thy Wife coughs all Night, and spits all Day;
Already thou believ'st thy Fortune made,
Her whole Estate thou think'st thy suddain Prey;
She will not dye, but wheedles like a Jade.

LXXVI
TO MAXIMUS

[From Martial,] Lib. 2. Ep. 53.

Wou'd'st thou be free, I fear thou art in jest;
But if thou wou'd'st, this is the only Way,
Be no Man's Tavern, nor Domestick Guest;
Drink wholsom Wine, which thy own Servants draw;
Of knavish Curio, scorn the ill-got Plate,
The numerous Servants, and the cringing Throng:
With a few Friends on fewer Dishes eat,
And let thy Cloaths, like mine, be plain and strong;
Such Friendships make, as thou may'st keep with ease,
Great Men expect, what good Men hate to pay;
Be never thou thy self in pain to please,
But leave to Fools, and Knaves, th' uncertain Prey.
Let thy Expence with thy Estate keep pace;
Meddle with no Man's Business, scarce thy own;
Contented pay for a Plebeian Face,
And leave vain Fops the Beauties of the Town.
If to this Pitch of Vertue thou can'st bring
Thy Mind, th'art freer than the Persian King.

LXXVII
TO JULIUS

Thou swear'st thou'lt drink no more; kind Heaven send
Me such a Cook or Coach-man, but no Friend.

LXXVIII
TO FLAVIA

When to thy Husband thou didst first refuse
The lawful Pleasures of thy charming Bed;
Men did his Pipe, and Pot, and Whores accuse;
On his meer Lewdness the whole Fault we laid:
Into thy House thou took'st a deep Divine,
And all thy Neighbours flockt to hear him Preach;
The cheated World did in thy Praises joyn,
The wiser sort yet knew thy wanton Reach,
From Sundays-crowds thou did'st thy Gallants chuse,
And, when they fail'd thee, the good Doctor use.

LXXIX
TO SERGIUS

Thou'lt fight, if any Man call Thebe Whore:
That she is thine, what can proclaim it more.

LXXX
THE MAIDENHEAD

[From Martial, Lib. 1. Ep. 58.]

Cloris, the prettyest Girl about the Town,
Askt fifty Guineas, for her Maidenhead;
I laught, but Cascus paid the Money down,
And the young Wench did to his Chamber lead.
This Thrift my eager Catso did upbraid,
And wisht that he had grown 'twixt Cascus Thighs;
Get me but half what his got him, I said,
And to content thee, I'll ne'er stick at Price.

LXXXI
TO QUINTUS

Thou art an Atheist, Quintus, and a Wit,
Thinkst all was of self-moving Attoms made,
Religion only for the Vulgar fit,
Priests Rogues, and Preaching their deceitful Trade;
Wilt drink, whore, fight, blaspheme, damn, curse and swear:
Why wilt thou swear, by G---, if there be none?
And if there be, thou shou'd'st his Vengeance fear:
Methinks this Huffing might be let alone;
'Tis thou art free, Mankind besides a Slave,
And yet a Whore may lead the[e] by the Nose,
A drunken Bottle, and a flatt'ring Knave,
A mighty Prince, Slave to thy dear Soul's Foes,
Thy Lust, thy Rage, Ambition and thy Pride;
He that serves G---, need nothing serve beside.

LXXXII
ON ARRIA AND PŒTUS

[From Martial, Lib. 1. Ep. 13.]

When Arria to her Pœtus gave the Steel,
Which from her bleeding Side did newly part;
From my own Wound, she said, no Pain I feel:
And yet thy Wound will stab me to the Heart.

LXXXIII
TO MILO

[From Martial, Lib. 2. Ep. 64.]

One Month a Lawyer, thou the next wilt be
A grave Physician, and the third a Priest;
Chuse quickly one Profession of the three;
Marry'd to her, thou yet may'st court the rest.
Whil'st thou stand'st doubting, Bradbury has got
Five Thousand Pound, and Conquest as much more;
W--- is made B---, from a drunken Sot:
Leap in, and stand not shiv'ring on the Shore;
On any one amiss thou can'st not fall,
Thou'lt end in nothing, if thou grasp'st at all.

LXXXIV
TO SABINUS

Surly and Sour thou dislik'st Mankind;
But most thou hat'st the Company thou'rt in;
Seest all their Faults, but to thy own art blind:
Yet still thou cry'st, When shall we meet agen?
Thou can'st not sit at Home, what should'st thou read?
For all are Fools, thou know'st that ever writ.
What should'st thou do abroad? this Age does breed
A sort of Vermin, have not half their Wit.
Thou hat'st the World, hate Flesh and Devil so,
And, for a blessed End, to Burnet's go;
But, for thy Misery, th'art an Atheist too.

LXXXV
ON PHRINE

Phrine, as odious as Youth well can be,
The Daughter of a Courtier in high Place,
Met with a b--- Mass, that cou'd not see;
His Blindness she, and that excus'd her Face.
Were she not ugly, she wou'd him despise;
Nor wou'd he marry her, if he had Eyes.
To their Defects, they're for the Match in debt,
And, but for Faults on both sides, ne're had met.

LXXXVI
TO BASSA

[From Martial, Lib. 1. Ep. 90.]

That I ne're saw thee in a Coach with Man,
Nor thy chast Name in wanton Satyr met;
That from thy Sex thy liking never ran,
So as to suffer a Male-servant yet.
I thought thee the Lucretia of our time:
But, Bassa, thou the while a Tribas wert,
And clashing ------, with a prodigious Crime,
Didst act of Man th'inimitable part.
What Odipus this Riddle can untye?
Without a Male, there was Adultery.

LXXXVII
TO SCILLA

Storm not, brave Friend, that thou hadst never yet
Mistress nor Wife that others did not ------,
But, like a Christian, pardon and forget,
For thy own Pox will thy Revenge contrive.

LXXXVIII
ON SEXTUS

[From Martial, Lib. 2. Ep. 44.]

When I had purchast a fresh Whore or Coat,
For which I knew not how to pay,
Sextus, that wretched covetous old Sot,
My ancient Friend, as he will say;
Lest I shou'd borrow of him, took great care,
And mutter'd to himself aloud,
So as he knew I cou'd not chuse but hear
How much he to Secundas ow'd,
And twice as much he paid for Interest,
Nor had one Farthing in his trusty Chest:
If I had ask'd, I knew he wou'd not lend;
'Tis new, before-hand, to deny a Friend.