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105

THE FAIR QUARREL.

By way of Letter, Between Mr. Wanley, a Son of the Church; and Dr. Wilde, a Nonconformist.

Published in the Year, 1666.

[1.]


107

Mr. Nathan Wanley to Dr. Wild, who was laid aside for Nonconformity.

So the bright Taper useless burns
To private and recluded Urns.
So Pearls themselves to shels confine,
And Gems in the Seas bottom shine,
As thou my WILD while thou dost lye
Huddled up in thy privacy,
And only now and then dost send
A Letter to thy private Friend;
Take once again thy Lyre, and so
Let thy selected Numbers flow,
As when thy solemn Muse did prove
To sing the Funeral of Love;
Or, as when with the Trump of fame
Thou didst sound forth great George's name,
In such a strain, as might it be,
Did speak thy self as great as he.
For while great Cowley seeks the shade,
And Denham's noble Wit's mislaid;
When Davnant's weary Quill lies by,
And yeelds no more of Lumbardy;

108

While the sweet Virgin Muses be
By Wild led int' a Nunnerie;
While thus Apollo's Priests retire,
The Females do begin t' aspire,
Pretending they have found a flaw
In great Apollo's Salique Law;
These grasp at Lawrel, only due
To such as I have nam'd, and you.

Dr. Wild to the Ingenious Mr. Wanley.

What jolly Shepherds voice is this
Would tempt me from my private bliss,
After his Pipe to dance, while Thunder
Threatens to rend that Oak in sunder,
Under whose boughs in fairer dayes
We sate secure, and sang the Praise
Of our great Pan, whose care did keep
The pleasent Shepherds and their Sheep?
Is this a time with wanton strains
To whistle forth the Nymphs and Swains
To sport amd dance, while Wolf and Fox
Lye lurking to devour our Flocks,
And Romes Sheep-stealers ready stand
To give them their red letters brand?
Dost thou not know, my sanguine Son,
What th' Plague and Fire have lately done?

109

London hath sent up such a smoke,
As may the Angels voices choake,
And make tears big enough, to vent
Tears in a deluge, to lament
The raging fury of that Flame,
But more of those that made the same.
And when St. Paul has lost his Quire,
'Twere Sacriledge to touch my Lyre.
None but a monster Nero may
Over a burning City play.
Nor would I sing, were I a Jew,
To please a Babylonish Crew.
Now since the time for sorrow cryes,
In this I freely temporize.
So the bright Starrs draw in their light,
When Clouds club for an ugly night.
So all the Birds of Musick sleep
On stormy dayes, and Silence keep.
So frost-nipt Roses droop and fall,
Perfuming their own funerall.
So you have seen a well-tun'd Lyre
Swelling it self with grief and ire.
In gloomy air, each heart-broke string
Its own last passing-bell doth ring.
So when Bellona's Trumpet sounds,
Our softer Muses Musick drownds.
Sir, by my many soes you know
My Poetry is but so so.
But why dost thou disdain or fear,
That Female brows should Lawrel wear?

110

Hast thou forgot that Noble Tree
It self was made out of a shee?
The Muses and the Graces all
We of the Female Gender call;
And so if you have not more care,
You'l find the Furies likewise are.
Nor would I have you wonder why
Our Poets all amort do lye,
When Claret and Canary cease,
The Wits will quickly hold their peace.
Vintnars and Poets fall together,
If once the Ivey-Garland wither.
Sweet Cowly thought (as well he might)
He should have shin'd in Phœbus sight;
But Clouds appear'd, and he that made
Account of Juno, found a shade;
And though on Davids Harp he plaid,
The evil Spirit can't be laid:
Therefore the Groves and Shades he loves,
And his own Secretary proves.
Your next mans temples Lawrel scorns;
Since greater pride his brows adorns.
He to Pernass. bears no good will,
Because it proves a horned hill.
The very thoughts whereof I dread
Will ne're be got out of his head.
Gondebert's silent, I suppose,
Because his Muse sings through the nose,
One syllable of which poor he
Did lose by an Apocope.

111

Wild sayes, kind Wanley you'r to blame
Amongst these Swans his Goose to name,
Yea though his lucky gagling yaul
Once help to save one Capital;
His love to Love then made him fear
His neck, not brow, a Wreath should wear.
Next he did one a Loyal string
His Georgicks and his Carols sing;
But now because he cannot toot
To Organ tunes, he's made a mute;
And though alive, condemn'd to death:
Therefore, dear Sir, in vain your breath,
Although perfum'd and hot does come,
To blow wind in a dead mans bumb;
Yet as a greateful Legacy,
He leaves to thee his Nunnery,
Not doubting but if need require
Thou'lt prove an able loving Fryar.

112

2.

Mr. Wanley to Dr. Wild.

What sullen wary Shepherds voice is this,
That won't be tempted from his private bliss,
But arbor'd up in Eglantine, while Thunder
Threatens to rend and rive that Oak in sunder,
Under whose boughs himself in fairer dayes
Did sit secure with us, and sang the praise
Of that great Pan, whose watchful care did keep
At once the pleasant Shepherd and his Sheep?
Is this a time for Shepherds to retreat,
And seek out Coverts from the scorching heat?
Is this a time for an inglorious sloth
To hug it self, not daring to peep forth
Into the open field, while th' crafty Fox
Lurks in the bushes to devour our Flocks,
And Wolves of Romulus are grown so bold,
To fright the silly Sheep ev'n in their Fold?
Dost thou not know what crops the Plauge his made
And, Sampson-like, heaps upon heaps has laid?
That if Heav'ns wrathful Anger thus proceed,
There will no Flocks be left for thee to feed.
London has sent up such a darkning smoak,
And shall it too the Angels voices choak?
Shall it make Clouds so thick and dark, that we
Shall never more thy publick Censers see?

113

'Tis Sacriledge to rob the Church; and thence
Since you have stole your self, what's your offence?
When the white Harvest for more Reapers cryes,
How canst thou freely sit and temporize?
So Stars reserve themselves for pitchy night,
When Phœbus pouders all his locks with light
So feral Birds delight to sit alone,
Till the Days glories are packt up and gone.
So Roses fall in June when frosts are past,
And on dull earth lye blushing out their last,
So the Musitian smothers his Sol fa,
When he's entreated or to sing or play.
So when the fierce Bellona's Drums do beat,
Who has no mind to fight, seeks his retreat.
And so I've seen a long miswonted Lyre
Sigh its own Dirge with its own broken wire,
And seems to shiv'r at th' downfal of Paul's Quire.
Say we not well, Agues will have their course?
Yes, yes, they must remember with remorse
The Ivy Garland's withering, dearth of Liquer,
That would make Caput Mortuum the quicker
But why shouldst thou, kind soul, be in such fear,
That plump Lyceus should grow lean this year?
Hast thou forgot how fatal the Grape-stone
Did whilom prove to poor Anacreon?
Which of the Muses or the Graces all,
Did ere for Claret or Canary call?

114

Is it not sung by the Venetian Swain,
How the brisk Wine gives Horns to the poor man?
And if you have no greater care, no doubt
You'l find the Claret will revive your Gout,
And then we shall hear thy Goose-gagling yaul
Cry out for help to save thy Pedestal;
Then we shall see thee, standing on one foot,
Practise worse tunes than Organs ever toot.
This is a vain presage; thou say'st, the Dead
Have out-liv'd this, and have no Gout to dread.
But art thou dead indeed? Though dead thou art,
Heark how the dead mans bum does let a fart.
When as my bashful Muse did to thee come,
'Twas not so kindly done to turn thy bum;
To vote her of the Babylonish Crew;
And set the Furies on her with ha-loo.
This 'tis to gad abroad, 'tis just upon her;
Had Dina kept at home, shee'd sav'd her Honor.
But I'm thy Son, and must corrected be;
But why then dost thou turn thy bum to me?
Dost think thy Son so sanguine and insano,
To probe thee with a Fistula in Ano.
This I should leave to any of the Crew,
You may believe me though I were a Jew.
And may my breath be still perfum'd, why not?
Since dead Corps smell when they begin to rot.

115

And he whose Muse such wondrous heights did fly,
That it did seem to top the very Sky;
And though he may have reason to be proud,
Instead of Juno did imbrace a Cloud;
May he resume King Davids Harp and play
The Tarantul' of discontent away.
If Denhams has so fouly bin betray'd,
And his Inclosure 'gainst his will survey'd:
May he recover all his Wits and more,
And with such keen Iambricks brand the Whore,
That all may dread it worse then loss of life,
To turn a Poet frantick for his Wife.
Poor Davenant's Nose it seems is grown so sore,
It scarcely will abide one smart Jest more.
Well may the bridge be down, when time doth meet
To press it with his Satyr cloven feet.
And thou with thy Apocopes art wont
To scater balls of thy Wild-fire upon't.
But shall I not, kind Wild, remember thee,
Who hast bequeath'd me such a Legacie?
'Tis thine for life, we know thy subtile head;
Wills have no force till the Testator's dead;
And that none can have ought by thy bequest
Till thou art better dead then in a Jest:
Nor would I that in tenderness to me
Thou shoulst suspect thine own sufficiencie;

116

Enjoy it freely, since thou hast it wed,
'Tis Incest to ascend the Fathers bed.
What though thou ownst me for thy sanguine Child,
Yet I have not so much my Sire of Wild.
And thus far is thy Fry'r able to see
His Covent's better than thy Nunnerie.
He's loving too, 'tis true, he nothing gives,
As thou, at his decease, but while he lives
All these good wishes, such as he can spare.
And if thou hast them, will help mend thy fare.
May every Knight about us, that's inclind,
Be unto thee, as Sir John Baber, kind.
Ten Silver Crowns let each of them send thee,
And be so paid for all in Verse as he.
May the poor Scholar ne're want Sunday Pudden,
When he's not like to preach for't on the sudden.
May thy afflicted Toe ne're feel the Gout;
Or if it must, let the Dutch have a Rout;
That thou maiest yet (at last) once more Protest
That Recipe wants no Probatum est.
Maist thou next send me what is worth thy Pen;
May I have brains to answer it agen.
May all that are of such good wishes sullen,
Live till their good Friends bury them in Woolen.

117

Dr. Wild to Mr. Wanley.

Honestly done however, though the Stuff
You sent be course the measure's large enough.
The first Cup thou beganst I could not pass,
The Wine was brisk, and in a little glass:
But now to pledge thee I am not inclin'd,
You Sons o'th Church are for large draughts I find.
Prithee leave off, for thou hast been so free
In sending such a brimmer unto me,
That Sunday last, long of that frolick bout,
Thy Parish had but half a glass I doubt.
Besides the drink is small, you've chang'd your gill,
I wish you'd kept in your hogs-head still.
Yet, upon better thoughts, small drink is fit
To cool the stomack, though not help the wit;
And that might be thy case: for certainly
Those salt bits I had sent thee made thee dry;
Or sick, which made thee drink small drink, and strain
To cast them undigested up again.
Twelve lines return'd the very same, that I
Must call the Hickup, rather than Reply;

118

Or, by rebounding of my words, I dread
There is some Eccho in thine empty head:
Or rather thou my Cockril art, and so
The young one learneth of the old to crow.
Nay my brave Bird, thou darest spur and peck,
I wish that Shrovetide hazard not thy neck:
Now prethee Chick beware, for though I find
That thou art right and of the fighting kind,
Yet thou art not my Match, and soon wilt feel
My Gout lies in my Toe, not in my Heel.
Take this advice before you mean to fight,
Get your Comb cut, and leave your treading quite.
Thy Barber, or his Wife, if he should fail,
Has skill to clip thy wings, and trim thy tayl;
And thereby hangs another Tayl, I find
Thy subtil nose hath got my breech i'th' wind.
If thou canst catch poor farts that Prison break,
A notable Bumbayliff thou wilt make.
Hark, hark, saist thou, he let a fart! what though?
It breaths forth no Sedition, Sir, I trow;
Nor is there any Statute of our Nation
That sayes, in five miles of a Corporation
If any Outed-man a Fart should vent,
That you should apprehend the Innocent.
If you so soon could smell the Pouder-Plot,
What had you said if I had bullets shot?
Fye man! our mouths were stopped long ago,
And would you have us silent too below?

119

But I displaid my bum before thyne eyes
Unkindly thou saist, I say otherwise;
For there thou mightst have thy resemblance took,
Dead mens blind cheeks do very wanley-look.
And For the crack it gave, that did but mind thee,
To strive to leave a good report behind thee.
As for the gall which in your Ink appears,
That in our sufferings we are Volunteers;
I'le not say much, I have more wit than so,
'Tis scurvy jesting with edg-tools I know:
But Sir, 'tis cruelty in you, to whip
Your Brothers back which you did help to strip.
Yet thus your Grandsire Levi did before,
Who kil'd those, whom his Cov'nant had made sore.
And you know who they were that gave the blow,
And then cry'd, Prophesie who smote thee so?
We durst not keep our Livings for our lives,
But they must needs go whom the Devil drives.
Yea but we left our Harvest, left our Sheep,
And would not work in one, nor th' other keep.
I answer. No great Harvest yet appears,
I'm sure your Churches hang but thin with ears.
And though the Foxes breed, what need you care,
When-as your Shepherds such Fox-catchers are.

120

For pardon, Sir, my serious soul now cryes,
Your knocking me did make this froth to rise.
Once for my Age, Profession and Degree,
To fool thus is enough, and Twice for thee.
Thus great Estates b'imprudent owners may,
When stak'd at Ticktack, soon be plaid away.
Let's wind this folly up in this last sheet,
And friendly part, as we did friendly meet.
Yet, to requite thy Legacy to me,
Accept this Litany I send to thee.
May thy rich Parts with saving Grace be joyn'd,
As Diamonds in Rings of Gold enshrin'd;
May he that made thy Stars, create a Sphear
Of heavenly frame of life, and fix them there;
May that blest Life credit Conformitie,
And make e'ven Puritans to honour thee.
Maist thou to Christ such store of Converts bring,
That he whose place thou fill'st, for joy may sing.
May God love you, and you love God again;
And may these Prayers of mine not be in vain.