University of Virginia Library

SATYRICAL Epigrams.

Ad Lectorem. Epi. 1.

Reader, I must present you a Shrimp-fish:
I hope you'l make no bones to tast this dish.
It is no Carpe, vnlesse you giv 't that note:
VVhich if you doe, I wish 'twere in your Throate.

Ad Momum. Epi. 2.

Momus , I wish your loue, and humbly crav't:
My suite is for the same; pray let me hav 't.
If that you think, according be not best,
A Cording be your end: and so I rest.

Maltsters ill Measure. Epi. 3.

Svch Maltsters, as ill measure sell for gaine,
Are not mere knaues, but also knaues in Grain.

De Equisone. Epi. 4.

Can Equiso be wauering as the winde?
Faith no; for he is of a Stable kinde.

In Caluum. Epi. 5.

The Commonty complaine, Caluus of late,
By hook, & crook, by pouling gaineth state:
Yet he protests, he takes few bribed gifts,
And powling scornes aboue all other shifts;
Appealing to his barber, who doth sweare,
He is not worth one hayre to reach one eare.
Then, sith you tax him with this faultlesse ill,
He'l leaue off-powling, and begin to pill.

Epi. 6.

[Kinde Kit disdaines that men him fool do call.]

Kinde Kit disdaines that men him fool do call.
What is he else? Faith, nothing but Wit-all.

An action of the Case. Epi. 7.

Shouldring a Minstrell, in a Lane, I broke
His Violls case, by an vnlucky stroke:
Who swore he would cōplain, to vent his grudg.
And what care I, what any law will iudge:
For why? I will maintaine it, face to face,
'T can be no more, but th' action of the Case.

Epi. 9.

[Tom-Cobbler sold his tools, a matter small]

Tom-Cobbler sold his tools, a matter small:
And yet vnto this day he keepeth Awl.

Epi. 10.

[Robin has for Tobaccho sold his chaire]

Robin has for Tobaccho sold his chaire,
Reseruing nothing but a stoole for 's lare:
Whence all men iudge, this silly sottish foole,
Though seldome sick, goes often to the Stoole.

God a-mercy Horse. Epi. 11.

A Friend, who by his horse receiu'd a fall,
Made bold (he swore) in priuate for to call.
I made him welcome, as dame Nature bindes
All those to doe that beare affecting mindes.
Yet sith his steede did him vnwilling force,
I thanke not him, but God a-mercy Horse.

Epi. 12.

[Francisco vants he gaue his wife the horn.]

Francisco vants he gaue his wife the horn.
She frouns, she frets, & takes the news in scorn.
And thogh you did (quoth she) yet you, indeed,
Must weare the horne, because you are the Head.

De Caluo. Epi. 13.

Caluus protests, for foes he doth not care:
For why? they cānot take from him one hair.

In Purum. Epi. 14.

Pvrus doth sermons write, & scripture quote;
And therfore may be tearm'd a man of Note.

In Causidicum. Epi. 15.

Causidicus wears patched cloathes, some bruit;
And must doe so: for he has nere a suite.

De fabro lignario. Epi. 16.

Tom Ioyner sold his tooles, and cloaths of's britch,
To cure the scab; and yet he has an Itch.

Epi. 17.

[A Cuckold is a dangerous beast. Why so?]

A Cuckold is a dangerous beast. Why so?
Nam Cornu ferit ille: Caueto.

De Vinoso. Epi. 18.

Vinosus is a Verbe, his persons good,
And must be form'd in the Potentiall mood:
In which sole mood, we find each drunken man.
For, commonly, they 're known by the sign, Can.

Epi. 19.

[Women by nature doe a Nazzard spight]

Women by nature doe a Nazzard spight,
Because he 's a light-horseman & wants weight.

Epi. 20.

[Iack-Cut-purse is, & hath been patient long.]

Iack-Cut-purse is, & hath been patient long.
For, he 's content to pocket vp much Wrong.

Epi. 21.

[Tom vow'd to beat his boy against the wall]

Tom vow'd to beat his boy against the wall:
And as he strook, he forthwith caught a fall.
The Boy, deriding, said I will auerre,
Y'haue done a thing, you cannot stand to, sir.

Epi. 22.

[In an outlandish Port, where there were store]

In an outlandish Port, where there were store
Of bloudy Pyrats taken on the shore,
The Magistrate did build (of squared stone)
A payre of Gallowes, for to hang them on.
And being askt, why they so strong were made,
Replied; that woodden Gallowes soone decaid,
They would not last one age; but now his care,
Had built strong Gallowes for himselfe, and 's heire

De Balliue. Epi. 23.

How dare ye with a Baliue squabble, broile,
Disturbe the streetes with vproares, endlesse coil?
Though he be poore, yet offer no disgrace:
Baliues are men of-Calling in their place.

Epi. 24.

[Bell, though thou die decrepit, lame, forlorne]

Bell , though thou die decrepit, lame, forlorne,
Thou wast a man of Metall, I'l be sworne.

Crooktbacks payment. Epi. 25.

Crookt-back , to pay old scores, wil sell his state:
And though he do, he'l neuer make all strait.

In Gallam. Epi. 26.

Galla , 'tis said of late, is brought to bed:
And yet in Hymens rites she nere was wed.
Which makes the vulgar iudge, & censure on her,
That she betimes begun to take vpon her.

Tims wound. Epi. 27.

At quarter blowes, Tim did of late receiue
A bruise vpō his head, that doth him grieue:
VVhich, hauing issue, makes friends tax his deed,
And iesting say; Tim has a running head.

Epi. 28.

[Phantastes chaf't t' expresse his raging wit]

Phantastes chaf't t' expresse his raging wit,
Because his stockins did not neately sit;
And strictly askt his man, what as he thought
Concerning 's stockin he had lately bought.
VVho said, I think though 'tseeme too straight by half,
Twod fit; but that you are too great ith' Calfe.

De Conspicilio. Epi. 29.

An aged man, which spectacles did vse,
Hauing them filcht, begun one time to muse,
Fearing the thiefe would not his sights restore;
But rather plot how to deceiue him more.
Feare not said one, the matter is but Light;
And ten to one, but they will come to Sight.

De Chirotheca. Epi. 31.

A Friend protested he was strangely crost,
Because (forsooth) his wedding gloues were lost
But on your gloues, I said, sir do not stand;
I warrant you, ere long they 'l come to Hand.

Trim's Care. Epi. 32.

Neat Barber, Trim, I must commend thy care,
Which doest all things exactly, to a Hayre.

Epi. 33.

[Tom Chamberlayne doth from his guests conuey]

Tom Chamberlayne doth from his guests conuey
The fired logs which they accompt for pay:
Now Tom may sweare, and therein be no lyer,
That all he has, is gotten out oth' fire.

Idle words. Epi. 34.

Of Idle-words, no capitall delict,
One was arraigned; by the lawes conuict;
Adiudg'd to lose his eares: which he denide;
Complotting to escape, But one replide,
The Pillory t' escape spend not your wit:
When all is done, you must giue-Eare to it.

De Thaide. Epi. 36.

Thais , her Vrine to a Doctour bore:
Who askt her, if she were a maide. She swore
'T was so. My wench (quoth he) thou art beguild;
My Art descries that thou hast had a childe:
What kind of maide art then? She blushing said,
And 't like your worship, sir, a Chamber-maide.

In Lesbiam. Epi. 38.

The sanguine dy of Lesbia's painted face,
Is often argued for a doubtfull Case.
The color 's hers, she swears: not so some thought it.
And true she swears: for I know where she bought it.

De Gallo. Epi. 39.

Kinde Cock is not a cock oth' kind, I feare.
His hen wud bring forth chickins, if he were:
Yet she hath none. Then surely, gentle reader,
He is no Cock; onely a Capon-treader.

De Cornuto. Epi. 40.

Cornutus did receiue a hurt on 's thigh:
Of which, I am perswaded, he 'l not die.
The wound's not mortall thogh it inward bleed
Because the Signe rules most in Cornute's head.

Epi. 41.

[VVomen are Saints: yet was not she a sprit]

VVomen are Saints: yet was not she a sprit
That almost slew her husband with a spit

The Case is altred. Epi. 42.

Tom Case (some do report) was lately halterd
If this be true, why then the Case is alterd

Ad Cæcum. Epi. 43.

Cæcus , I pray respect your honest name,
Auoide the scandall of succeeding shame.
Y' haue an ill eye, so some do often chat:
'Mongst other faults, pray haue an Ey to that

In Superbum. Epi. 44.

Svperbus swaggers with a Ring in 's eare;
And likewise, as the custome is, doth weare
About his neck a Ribbin and a Ring:
VVhich makes men think, that he's proud of a string.

Tospots reckonings. Epi. 45.

Tospot is chosen steward of the house,
To sum their commons; as eld seruants vse.
I thinke he 'l reckonings more compleatly cast,
Then any steward that this place has past.
For certaine, after drinkings, or a feast,
He casts-vp Recknings once a weeke at least.

Epi. 46.

[Will squabled in a Tauern very sore]

Will squabled in a Tauern very sore,
Because one brought a Gill of wine; no more.
Fill me a quart (quoth he) I'me called Will:
The prouerbe is, Each Iack will haue his-Gill.

Tom's Valour. Epi. 47.

One hundreth grosse of points Tom tooke in pay,
Of bankrupt Mercers which were in decay.
Whence som report, that knew his fearful ioints,
That Tom 's grown stout, & stands vpō his Points.

Epi. 48.

[Gvido doth rage, because one iesting said]

Gvido doth rage, because one iesting said,
That he of late had got a goodly head.
VVhat man dare giue me hornes (quoth) he for's life?
No Man, said one: if any, 't is your wife.
VVhiles men you tax, the halfe man you exclude
And she, the whole man doth with horns delude

De Milone. Epi. 49.

Milo doth vant he 's strong, and yet contend
To take the wall of open foes, and frend
Then sure he 's weake, which will in discord fall
For it; sith none but weakest go to th' wall.

Epi. 50.

[A Proctour was t'examine in the Court]

A Proctour was t'examine in the Court
A wench. And he, disposed to make sport,
Did aske the maid, what he should call her name.
Why, maid (quoth she) or else it were great shame.
Pray, speake aduised, quoth this gibing clearke;
You must take Oath of it, and therefore marke.
The wench, selfe-guilty, to him blushing said,
Pray stile me single woman, leaue out maid.

To his inconstant mistrisse. Epi. 51.

Faine would I prayse, yet dare not write my minde,
Lest thou sholdst vary like th' vncertain wind.

Ep. 52.

[A Felon, iudg'd to dy for filching ware]

A Felon, iudg'd to dy for filching ware,
At his confessing did himselfe compare,
In Metaphors, vnto the world; wherein
Contayned is the Sentinell of sin.
The hang-man, hearing this, whē they had praid,
Began to scoffe, and thus deriding said;
I may attempt what I desire, were 't Land:
For why? I haue the world now in a Band.

De Crepidario. Epi. 53.

Shoo-makers are the men (without all doubt)
Be't good or bad, that set all things on foot.

De Vitriario. Epi. 54.

A Glazier which endeauours to reape gaines,
Endureth toyle, is troubled much with Panes.

Epi. 55.

[Miller, such Artists as thy pulses feeles]

Miller , such Artists as thy pulses feeles,
Affirme, thy gadding head doth runne on wheeles.

Epi. 56.

[Fat-back, you are too blame which friends wil crosse.]

Fat-back , you are too blame which friends wil crosse.
Go too: you shew your selfe a knaue in grosse

Epi. 57.

[Taylors worke much, beleeue 't, & take great paine]

Taylors worke much, beleeue 't, & take great paine:
Yet, Masons worke far harder i 'l maintain.

Epi. 58.

[Doth Iane demerit well? I pray, why so?]

Doth Iane demerit well? I pray, why so?
For her good carriage, which all men know.

Epi. 59.

[Pray, pardon Præco's compotations]

Pray, pardon Præco's compotations:
His head is full of Proclamations.

In Gulam. Epi. 60.

Base Gula, with his teeth, & nailes doth teare
The commons which he eateth any where:
Now, we may say, What Gula doth assayle,
He will accomplish it with Tooth-and-Naile.

Epilogus.

What Satyres write, or Cabalists do iudge,
I weigh but small; sith they beare all men grudg.
What Momists censure, or the roring sect;
Be what it will, tis but their dialect:
And such applause, like to their thred-bare coate,
Would but pollute me with some euill note.
I doe referre my Muse, vnto such eyes,
Which truely can their iudgements equalize:
Such, will be meanes, to saue her from the fire;
And if neede stand, to draw Dun out ith' mire.