University of Virginia Library

Author ad Lectorem.

My friends you see haue thought it not amisse,
To praise my booke, yet you besides all this,
Looke that it should commend it selfe: now fie,
That were an arrogant immodestie.

EPIGRAMMATVM Centuria prima.

EPIGRAM. I. De subiecto operis.

If that the subiect do the worke commend,
Thē what more worthy work, then I intend?
For Lords, nay more (let me not be mistook)
Kings thēselues are the subiects of my book.

Epigram. II. In librum suum.

My booke it must please all, or some, or none;
And one of these three must it needs embrace.
It cannot possibly please eueryone,
And for to please none, thats a maine disgrace.
Yet for my will, what ere of it become,
I rather would, it should please none, then some.

Epigram. III. Homo, Arbor.

Looke how a tree doth spring out of the earth,
So we discend from thence by lineall birth.
Looke how a tree shootes vp, and blossomes faire:
So we, till age or greefe our strength impaire.
Looke how a dried tree does fade away;
So we when moysture failes, gin to decay.
Looke how it fals at length without redresse:
So shall we die at last remedilesse.
Looke where it fals, the same way doth it lie:
So shall we iudged be, as we doe die.

Epigram. IIII. In solem occidentem.

Oft did I wonder why the setting Sunne
Should looke vpon vs with a blushing face:
Ist not for shame of what he hath seene done,
Whilest in our hemisphære he ran his race?

Epigram. V. Oculi emissitij.

It is much question'd in Philosophy.
Whether the sight that's resiant in the eye,
Be first by sending out those radiant streames,
Or els by taking in reflexed beames.
Might I with my poore skill resolue this doubt.
I should determine 'twere by sending out.
So nimbly doe we others faults discrie,
So blinde we are when we looke inwardly.

Epigram. VI. Functi, defuncti.

I waile not those,
Who take their sweete repose;
Within the bowels of our common mother:
Those grieue me most,
Who liuing still are tost
From bad to worse, from one Fate to another.

Epigram. VII. Ad Sereniss. Regem Iacobum, de ementitâ ipsius morte.

Great King, when of thy death we vnderstood,
Although the newes were bad, the lie was good.

Epigram. VIII. In proditores puluerarios.

Saint Ambrose in the Churches purer age,
When that, more Tyrant-like then like a King,
His Sou'raigne did against the Christians rage,
Yet did not therefore seeke his ruining.
But prai'd, whilst watry teares bedeaw'd his eyes:
These were his weapons, his conspiracies.
But now a daies, do the King but desire,
And seeke the best he can to liue secure,
What are your weapons? curses mixt with fire,
Seeking by all the meanes ye could procure,
Thousands of life at once to haue bereauen,
And sent them with a powder vp to heauen.

Epigram. IX. In horrendum parricidium Henrici quarti nuper Galliæ & Nauarrȩ regis.

God saith of Kings thus by a Kingly pen,
That they are gods, but yet shall die like men.
Shall die, but not be forc'd for to be dead:
Like men, but not like beasts, be butchered.

Epigram. X. Ad illustrissimum. Walliæ Principem Henricum.

Eight Worthies of your name haue gone before:
The ninth place keepes it selfe for you in store.

Epigram. XI.

Two Louers true at once did part this life,
A faithfull husband with his louely wife:
Of which though death were cruell to take either,
Yet dealt it kindly to take both together.

Epigram. XII. In Stentorem.

Something there is that Stentor hath to say,
Though all he has to say is nought at all:
If you neglect his speech, then will he bray,
Iading your eares with an outragious brall,
Neuer till now was such a monster bred,
Whose sides were brasse, his pate being all of Lead.

Epigram. XIII. In Scyllam.

Tell Scylla of his going to the stewes,
This is the short reply that he doth vse:
I'le make it good, if you but dare gaine-say:
He throwes his pledge downe, and appoints a day,
In which he fearelesse meanes couragiously
With's Rapiers point his words to iustifie.
And thinks he then (poore foole) the bloud we bleed
Can expiate and cleanse so foule a deed?
To make a sinne committed to be good,
Ask's rinsing in another kinde of blood.

Epigram. XIIII. In Capitonem.

See'st thou you masse of flesh, you lumpish Nody,
Whose soule's not able to informe his body!
So it might be contriu'd without his paine,
Halfe of that scull would better fit his braine.

Epigram. XV. In Paulum quintum Pontificem Rom. quod ad piscaturam attinet, Petriverè Successorem.

Peter by fishing got what he could get:
And all is fish with Paul, that comes to net.

Epigram. XVI. Stultorum plena sunt omnia.

Some men compare, and that not much amisse
This lower world, whereon our beeing is,
Vnto a Theater: the Gods stand by,
Behold: we act our parts, depart, and die.
Yet to my seeming in this said compare
As some things iumpe, so some things diff'ring are.
There each man is assign'd a seuerall part,
For to bestirre his stumps, and shew his Art.
One he acts Menedemus raging mad:
Another acts his friend: a third is glad
To entertaine the Cockscombes part, thereby
To make the simpler sort laugh out of crie.
Of this last kinde in some playes there are none;
And where there is the most, there is but one.
But here farre otherwise in our societie,
We act the same part all: there's no varietie.
On this vast stage the world, dame Natures schoole,
There's not a man of vs, but playes the foole.
They for a time, in iest, display their madnesse
We still, in serious sooth, in sober sadnesse.

Epigram. XVII.

[I tooke the wall, one thrust me rudely by]

I tooke the wall, one thrust me rudely by;
And told me the high-way did open lie:
I thankt him that he did me so much grace,
To take the worse, leaue me the better place.
For if by th'owners we esteeme of things,
The wall's a subiect's; but the way's the Kings.

Epigram. XVIII.

[The child that for a sight about was led]

The child that for a sight about was led,
With a huge, monstrous, vast, & vncouth head;
If death, gain-say not, if the fates permit,
Doubtlesse will proue a Giant for his wit.

Epigram. XIX. In Nigellam.

They say Nigella's browne: who wrongs her so?
Shee's white, as white as is a carrion Crow.

Epigram. XX. In Cinnam, & Chlorin.

Cinna woo'd Chloris, but it would not be:
Not, for he wanted of ability,
Or that he was deform'd, or else was old,
Or any other fault that can be told
Shee lou'd him well: yet would not be his Bride:
And why? because shee lou'd not to be tied.

Epigram. XXI. In Misonem.

One time, as was my ordinary wont,
I went abroade into the fields to hunt,
Started a Hare, pursud him with full cry,
And had neare wearied him, when by and by,
Miso, because I hunted in his grounds,
Let loose his running dogs, and baulkt my hounds.
From thence that sport I vtterly forswore,
Being so vnkindly crost by such a Bore:
So shunning th' open fields, and forrests wide,
My common haunt was by the waters side.
For what? thought I, though lands inclosed bee,
Yet Seas, and riuers questionlesse are free.
There will I sport me with the scaly frie,
Fearelesse, though all the world were standing by.
This seely I thought lawfull to be done:
This did I oftentimes; when loe, anone
Miso the chuffe, that did my hunting marre,
Askt me, Sir, know you whose these waters are?
Or get you packing quicke, or know for sure,
That such grosse trespasses I'le not endure.
Dumbe like a Fish I durst not to reply,
But like a flying Fish away did flie.
Scarce knowing now what sport for to retaine,
Being banisht both the earth, and watry plaine,
I tooke a peece next time, and forth-with meant,
To sport me in th' aerean element.
When loe, there mounted in a gibbets chaire,
Miso had tane possession of the aire.
Of all his faire possessions, me thought
This purchase was the best that e're he bought.

Epigram. XXII. In Tempus.

How should I view Times-face as in a glasse,
Which as I looke on it, it still doth passe?

Epigram. XXIII. Ad Illustriss. Dominum Robertum Cecilium, Comitem Sarisburiens. summum Angliæ Thesaurarium.

So passing art thou all, in points of state,
That thou hast but thy selfe to imitate.
Nor need'st thou adde to what thou wer't before:
Be as thou art still, and we aske no more.

Epigram. XXIIII. In Fisherum Episcopum Roffensem.

Fisher, by being the Popes humble thrall,
Missed not much of being Cardinall:
A cap there was prepar'd, a Legate sent,
T'inuest his brow with that graue ornament.
But see how thinges fell out, see how he sped,
Before his cap came, he had lost his head.

Epigram. XXV. In Titum.

What e're I speake, Titus streight ouerhears;
No meruaile; Asses, you know, haue lōg ears.

Epigram. XXVI.

[A parson hauing a tithe Pigge, or two]

A parson hauing a tithe Pigge, or two,
To supper did his neighb'ring friends inuite:
Telling them briefly without more a dooe,
A sp'rituall pigge was all their cheere that night.
And well he styl'd his pigge spirituall,
For spirit-like it had no flesh at all.

Epigram. XXVII. In Papistas, & Brownistas.

The Papists holding that which they do hold,
Cannot be rang'd with vs in the same fold:
The Brownists holding their old tenents still,
May be of the same folde, if that they will:
So that, if one doe well consider all,
The Papists sinne is farre more veniall.
These on a false presum'd supposall stray:
Those know it, and yet leaue the beaten way.

Epigram. XXVIII. In Abstinentiam.

If fasting set the spirit on motion,
And breed a stomacke to deuotion
Then do they not amisse, which now a day
First fast, to get an appetite to pray.

Epigram. XXIX. ------ In ingratum.

I did Sertorius a small curtesie,
Which he did swallow most vngratefully.
Had he beene thankefull, as occasion grew,
His thankes for th'old might haue procur'd a new.

Epigram. XXX. ------ igne expellitur ignis.

Fire driues out fire: yet was the Martyrs loue
A fire too strong for earthly fire to moue.

Epigram. XXXI. In Priscum.

Whilst others thoght my sick friend gan to mēd
Priscus, whose wit was quicke to apprehend,
Foretold me that he lay on his deaths bed;
Foretold me, but t'was after he was dead.

Epigram. XXXII. In Maximum.

Why Maximus weares Roses in his shoo,
Which other men doe vse to smell vnto,
Into my braines as yet it cannot sinke,
Except it be, because his feete doe stinke:
Thinking that so the flowre will interpose,
And keepe that filthy sauor from his nose.

Epigram. XXXIII. In Olum, translat. ex Martiali.

Oro's a thieft: Olus whats that to thee,
If such or such be giu'n to theeuerie?
Milo spends thousands on his beauteous whore.
That's nought to thee, t'is Milo shall be poore.
Sertorius reuels it, till morne appeare:
That hurts not you Olus, what neede you feare?
Lupus owes Titus more then he can pay:
Well see' a gull not you another day.
In other mens affaires you still are prying,
Their faults condemning and their good enuying.
But as for your owne faults, which farre, alas,
Surmount the faults of these, you let them passe.
You owe a tradseman Olus, for a gowne:
Yea, this concernes you Olus, note this downe.
There's none will trust you on your word for ought,
Marke this well Olus, that is worth the note.
Your wife's no honester then she should be,
Record this Olus, in your memorie.
Your eldest daughter now at womans state,
Requires a dower to gratulate her mate:
I marry Syr, I count it not amisse,
Friend Olus, for to ruminate on this.
Many more things if't pleas'd me beat my braine,
Could I reueale; but that's a fruitlesse paine.
Thinke Olus, speake, do what you will, y'are free:
Your deeds, your words, your thoughts are nought to me

Epigram. XXXIIII. Nosce teipsum; ad D. Iohannem Dauisium equitem.

Though others know themselues, might I aduise,
You should not know your selfe in any wise:
For few or none, with such rare gifts endow'd,
If they once know themselues, can but be proud.

Epigram. XXXV. Quibenè latuit, benè vixit.

If they liue best that lead a priuate life,
Mew'd vp in secret from the sight of men,
Where nought accurs but contemplation rife,
So farre forth as our prying thoughts may ken:
Then none with thee can for their liues compare,
Thy life's so good, thy vertues are so rare.
For why, close pent vp in a dungeons cell,
There liu'st thou in a place enuy'de of none,
And hating th' house where thou art forc't to dwell,
Still dost contemplate how thou mayst be gone.
O rare endow'd man (what though in the Fleete?)
In whom these queint occurrents deigne to meete.

Epigram. XXXVI. Ad Petrum Martyrem.

Would'st thou be Martyr, thou hast thy desire.
What need'st thou be baptiz'd againe in fire.

Epigram. XXXVII. Nulla malitia ad malitiam mulieris.

When God had giuen Sathan liberty,
By afflicting Iob, his patience to try.
All those his plagues but as inducements were,
To make Iob serue him, and shake off Gods feare.
This was the vtmost straine of Satans rod:
But's wife did tempt him for to tempt his God.

Epigram. XXXVIII. In Astronomum quendam.

A wise Astronomer of Counsell graue,
Being ask'd what weather we were like to haue.
Answer'd (seeing it pour'd downe right amaine)
That if that weather held, t'was like to raine.

Epigram. XXXIX. Αμνησικακια Christiana.

Though others chafe at wrongs, and fume, & fret,
Yet Christians should remember to forget.

Epigram. XL. Ad D. D. King Aedis Christi Decanum, et Academiæ Oxon. Vicecancellarium.

How oft haue I beene rauish'd with delight,
Whil'st that my greedy care drank in thy words!
How haue thy threatnings put me in a fright,
Piercing my soule worse then a thousand swords!
He that shall heare thee cannot choose but wonder,
To heare one speake so sweet, and yet to thunder.

Epigram. XLI.

[When thou hast cōquer'd all that thou canst win]

When thou hast cōquer'd all that thou canst win,
And stretcht thine Empire to the vtmost shore
There is another conquest to begin
Vpon a little world reseru'd in store.
Which no proud Victor euer ouer-ran:
Conquer this, and I'le say thou art a man.
A man's a name too meane, I scorne the ods:
Doe it, thou shalt be equall to the Gods.

Epigram. XLII. Ad modernos Epigrammatistas.

Heywood, th'old English Epigrammatist
Had wit at will, and art was all he mist:
But now a daies we of the moderne frie
Haue art, and labour with wits penurie.
Wit is the substance, art the polishment:
Art does adorne, and wit it does inuent.
Since then they are so ioyntly link't, that neither
Can well subsist without the helpe of either:
I gladly could haue wisht with all my hart,
That we had had his wit, or he our art.

Epigram. XLIII. In Henr. Garnettum Sanctum Stramineum.

Romans (as stories doe report of old)
Were wont t'haue shrines of straw, but Saints of gold
Yet now of late, I know not by what law,
They haue got them shrines of gold, & Saints of straw.

Epigram. XLIIII. In Biberium.

Biberius, when he has dronke his fill,
And that his guts are on the tenters set.
Each little hillocke then streight seemes a hill;
A cocks-combes crest stands for a coronet.
The candles, which as earst but singly shone,
Whil'st this old mad-cap was in's sober vaine,
Now each to's sight is multiplide by one
Now foure seeme eight, two foure, & one seemes twaine.
He tels Astronomers their rules are fond,
That neuer could as yet two Moones descry:
Hee'le shew you two: th'one in his neighbours pond
T'other right opposite in th'azure skie.
It's strange to see, if that he straine to speake,
(And straine he must if that he speake at all)
How's faltring tongue does silence doubly breake,
And how for one two wordes from's mouth doe fall.
If that he dare aduenture for to goe
Whil'st that his crazie braines with moisture swim,
Tost like a ship he reeles me too and fro,
Or fals, his legs redoubling vnder him.
Yet let me you, his bodies organs, tell
(Which as at all times, so most in his neede
Ought him to serue) beleeu't yee doe not well
Thus for to leaue him with vntimely speede.
Ist reason, thinke you, when he nought conceales,
When he deales plainly both with great and small,
When he his thoughts, his inward thoughts reueales,
That he should be thus doubly dealt withall?

Epigram. XLV. Ad vtramque Academiam.

Sisters, why striue yee for antiquity?
Which if yee had, tell me what had you got?
The older still the likelier to die
Would yee wish your owne ruine? I thinke not.
Let rotten age on meaner thinges lay hold,
But may you flourish still and n'ere grow old.

Epigram. XLVI. In quendam.

There 's one not long since tearm'd his booke a wood
And, that you all know wherefore it is good.

Epigram. XLVII. In Cinnam.

Cinna hath fasted this twice twenty yeare,
And yet not starued for ought that can appeare:
How was it possible so long to last?
Why thus: by fasting (as he did) from fast.

Epigram. XLVIII. In Octauium.

The little store Octauius had of wit
Is the same still, t'is not increast a whit:
His filthy face, with pustles ouer-spred
Is the same still, not a iot altered:
His gesture is the same; his wordes the same,
His deedes doe the like correspondence frame.
Whence is it then they doe him changeling call,
Since, as you see, he is not chang'd at all?

Epigram. XLIX. In Maurum.

Last day when solemne sad I wal'kt the streete,
It was my lucke with Maurus for to meete
Rushing out at a doore; his buttons broke,
His breath wax't short, his fingers ends they shoke,
His haire like a Boares bristles stood vpright,
His eyes did stare, his cheekes look't deadly white.
What was it, thinke you, brought him to this passe?
He came but euen then from his looking glasse:
Viewing his face therein, at the first sight
He blest himselfe, thinking he saw a spright.

Epigram. L. Ad Collegium Wintoniense.

If in this booke dulnesse doe chance to lurke,
I'le Father it, t'is mine owne handy-worke.
If in this booke there be one witty line,
I vtterly disclaim't, t'is wholly thine.

EPIGRAM. LI.

[Awry-nos'd fellow meeting with a clowne]

Awry-nos'd fellow meeting with a clowne
Askt him which was the way to such a towne:
Who told him, as their common fashion is
Follow your nose fore-right, you cannot misse.
A good rule: which had he gone to obey
Must needes haue led him cleane another way,

EPIGRAM. LII. Hydrops.

No sicknesses so moist as dropsies bee
Yet those which haue them wōdrous drie we see.
If moisture kill thirst; then I wonder, I,
How what is moist should make a man so dry.

EPIGRAM. LIII. In quosdam, qui contra rythmum Anglicanum scripserunt.

Writers against rime vs'd so long a season
Ought not for to haue written without reason.

EPIGRAM. LIIII. Ad Papistas.

If any of you Papists now a dayes
Be not so well intreated as you would;
If that a mulct be set you for to pay
Or that you haue some time in prison stood:
Then ô th'exactions! ô the cruelty!
And neuer till now heard-of hard restraint!
But if you look't with an impartiall eye
On what is past, you might surcease your plaint,
When, what you striue to shun with such a doo
We gladly would haue borne, and thank't you too.

EPIGRAM. LV. In Iuellum Episc. Sarisb. religionis causâ profugum.

When persecutions heate began to rage,
Not sparing youth nor yet regarding age;
What was it, Iuël, made thee to retire?
A iuell needs not dread the force of fire.

EPIGRAM. LVI. In Petrum Martyrem.

Peter's a rocke: a rocke, you know stands fast,
And cannot moue away it selfe in hast.
How strongly did those Marian bone-fires frie,
That made euen hils to skip, and rocks to flie?

Epigram. LVII. In eundem & Brentium.

Had the Pope both you in his clouches hent,
T'one had bin Martyr'd, t'other had bin brent.

Epigram. LVIII. In Castorem.

When Castor died, t'was thoght by more then one
That the disease that kild him was the stone,
Say they that list so; I am not so mad
To thinke he died of what he neuer had.

Epigram. LIX. Venus orta mari.

How is't that in the Sea such Monsters breed,
VVhence Venus Queene of beauty did proceed?

Epigram. LX. In auarum quendam patris hospitalis filium.

Your Fathers honest hospitalitie
Is growne to ryot, and to luxurie.
They say you lay the Country round about,
And not a stranger can goe in or out,
But that you closely lying there in waite,
After a few salutes attach him straight:
And downe with you, whether he will or no
Vnto your faire house forth-with must he go.
There you euen glut his eyes with dainty fare
With many a pray fall to, and doe not spare.
If hauing well fed he refuse his meate,
You'le cram him, and perforce will make him eate.
Enough's enough, for modestie with-hold
It was not wont for to be so of old.

Epigram. LXI. In Mendozam Iesuitam.

A lying Iesuit's a Tautologie:
For Iesuite sounds as much without supplie.

EPIGRAM. LXII. Ad D. Georgium Ryues S. Theol. Doct. noui collegij Custodem.

Your name it iumps with your profession right
A husband-man sent from the God of might,
To ransacke, digge, and furrow vp a-part
Each corner of mans brawnie stubborne hart.
Then hauing made our wounded soules to bleed,
You sowe Gods promises, the Gospels seed.
And for to make this well sowne field to grow,
Riuers from that mellifluous tongue doe flow.

EPIGRAM. LXIII. In Syllam è bello reducem.

I question'd Sylla, being all alone,
What store he slew in warre; he answer'd nine:
Had he said none, as the trueth was that time,
So had the tale beene true, and eke the rime.

Epigram. LXIIII. De die nouissimo, ad D. D. Lake, Decanum Wigorn.

God cleansed the old worlds contagious sinne,
By sending out a floud to drowne it in.
With greater crimes his patience still we vrge,
What water cannot cleanse, t'is fire must purge.

Epigram. LXV. De Christo.

God-man without a man sprang from a mother
That neither sex might brag more thē the other.

Epigram. LXVI. De profanatione Sabbati.

God allowes vs six dayes to worke vpon,
Reseruing for his seruice onely one:
And yet to see, vngratefull mankinde stickes,
And murmures to allow him one for sixe.
Had he ask'd all, durst we haue said him nay?
Crauing but one, how can we but obay?

Epigram. LXVII. De Iudæis, ad D. Richardum Meredith Decanum Wellensem.

What we of Christ, but by tradition heare,
That to the Iewes did visibly appeare:
And therefore did they not beleeue, I weene,
For faith it is of things which are not seene.

Epigram. LXVIII. Ad D. Antonium Aile-worth Med. Doct.

Wo-worth the sicke if when their health did faile
Such as you were not to looke what they aile.

Epigram. LXIX. Epitaphium Epicuri.

Here lie heap'd vp within these stones,
Olde Epicurus rotten bones:
VVhose wel-fare was in's dainty fare:
VVhose onely care, was to want care.

Epigram. LXX. In Tyrum.

When Tyrus was surprised by his foe,
And that he saw there was no way but one.
How he did seeme compassionate with woe,
As sorry for the wrongs that he had done?
Life he abandon'd as a loathed guest;
And death he craued, as due for what he did:
Desirous, as it were, of his long rest,
And glad if so his shame might so be hid.
A pretty tricke, (I must commend his wit)
So to beg life in the refusing it.

Epigram. LXXI. De gelu diutino, Anno Dom. 1607.

When the frost did so long a time perseuer,
Nought was there scap't the rigour of the wether,
Except our hearts frozen so hard before,
That they could hardly then be frozen more.

Epigram. LXXII. Ad D.D. Sherwood Medicum Bathon.

Many that want not Physickes theorie,
For want of practise, doe slay many men.
And some that haue the practise, yet thereby
For want of art, saue one, and murther ten.
Thy art (graue Doctor) and thy practicke skill,
Saue more then others want of eyther kill.

Epigram. LXXIII. A Peccadill.

This word (a Peccadill) as I was taught,
Sounds in it selfe nought but a little fault.
If it encrease so as it does beginne,
This little fault will grow to a great sinne.

Epigram. LXXIIII. In Caluum.

Caluus his pate is balde, and wot you why?
Moisture breeds haire, but Caluus pate is drie.

Epigram. LXXV.

They which haue traueld o're the earths round ball,
Tell vs of men that haue no heads at all,
Who so beleeue what euer they haue writ,
Heads they may haue but sure they haue no wit.

Epigram. LXXVI. In Senecam.

Who so thy wittie writings throughly knowes.
Will iudge them to be Epigrams in prose.

Epigram. LXXVII. In Lanionem Medicum.

When Lanio heard the plague increast so sore,
Alas good man how he tooke on therefore:
Fearing belike, if it continued still,
T'would rid vs all, and leaue him none to kill.

Epigram. LXXVIII. Ad Tho. Bastardum Epigrammatistam.

Thy Epigrams are of no bastard race,
For they dare gaze the worlds eye in the face.

Epigram. LXXIX. Volucre ferrum.

Iron long time hid in our mother earth,
And now brought forth by an vnhappy birth,
VVhat hauocke hath it made since of our liues,
By rapyers poyniards, daggers, swords, and kniues
Yet more to hasten on our destinie,
VVe make it wings, and teach it how to flie.

Epigram. LXXX. Ad M. Thomam Leyson Medicum.

Svch is your charity, that I suppose,
You wish well vnto all, euen to your foes.
For your owne sake this wish betimes repeale:
You hurt your selfe by wishing others weale.

Epigram. LXXXI. In Cræsum & Crassum.

Heauen hath no starres, the Sea it hath no sand,
No more hath Cræsus wealth, or Crassus land.

Epigram. LXXXII.

[Signior Immerito doth all surpasse]

Signior Immerito doth all surpasse,
For a most absolute illiterate Asse:
And yet I heard one dare for to auerre,
That this man was an able Minister.
Able? how able trow? O now I wist;
Able to grease his Patron in the fist.

Epigram. LXXXIII. In Pauli quinti Legatos.

Pope Paulus Legats sent from place to place
Leuie in money faster then a pace.
Vnder I know not what kinde of pretence,
Ne may ought for the pay thereof dispence.
All must be merc'd, S. Peters Church and all
Is not this to rob Peter, and pay Paul?

Epigram. LXXXIIII. In quendam.

Ned will not keepe the Iewish Sabaoth hee,
Because the Church hath otherwise ordain'd:
Nor yet the Christian, for he does not see
How altring of the day can be maintain'd.
Thus seeming for to doubt of keeping either,
He halts betwixt them both, and so keepes neither.

Epigram. LXXXV. De intempestiuâ æstate vltimò præteritâ.

I dream't of a drie summer; being awake,
My sight I found it gaue my dreame the lie.
If it be so, that I must needes mistake,
Would I had dream't it wet, and found it drie.

Epigram. LXXXVI. Ad Guliel. Camdenum de suâ Britannià.

Thy Britanie, countreys remote shall see,
And shall not be confin'd in Britanie.

Epigram. LXXXVII. De libero arbitrio ad M.Ioh. Pelling. Theolog.

Not ill, but power to ill from God proceeds,
And does as 'twere euen polish our good deeds.
Which would not be so pleasing in his eyes,
Could we not possibly doe otherwise.

Epigram. LXXXVIII. In Virginem deformem.

Chast are you, as the childe in's infancie:
Thanke not your selfe, but your deformity.
For I nere knew one yet so vildely meane,
That would embrace such a Sow for his Queane.

Epigram. LXXXIX. Ad I.D. Scribam, eundemq; scriptorem.

There 's none were fitter then thou to endite,
If thou couldst pen as well as thou canst write.

Epigram. XC. To make a face.

Wreathing the visage from his proper place,
We commonly style making of a face;
Which by a duers speech me thinkes more fit,
Ought rather to be tearm'd the marring it.

Epigram. XCI. In Gelliam.

If any corner of your apish face
Be not well featur'd, haue not the same grace,
That you could wish it had; you die, and die:
And paint, and paint, and paint incessantly.
Proude princocke, leaue off th'idle paines you take,
Thinke you, that you can mend what God did make.

Epigram. XCII. De mortali peccato.

If that the punishment be leueld out,
And squar'd vnto the sinne, then out of doubt
There are no mortall sinnes, the case is plaine:
For sinnes so cald, incurre immortall paine.

Epigram. XCIII. In ebriosum ieiunantem.

Praise-worthy were your fasting from to eate,
Could you abstaine from drinke as well as meate.

EPIGRAM. XCIIII. In Auarum.

Who giue not of their goods vnto the poore,
Shall hardly enter in at Heauens doore.
What say we then to a purloyning knaue
Which robs them of the little that they haue?
The Diu'ls they cannot torture him too much:
Hell is too light a punishment for such.

EPIGRAM. XCV.

[Will, ask't how's sicke wife did, said: who my Ione?]

Will, ask't how's sicke wife did, said: who my Ione?
Shee'le come abroad ere long I do not feare.
And so she did before two daies were gone:
VVith her heeles forward mounted on a beare.

EPIGRM XCVI. Δεομαι.

The same word with the Greekes doth signifie
To want, and begge: aske you the reason why?
They meete in one still: he whose meanes are scant
VVill be a begging to supplie his want.

Epigram. XCVII. In Titum.

Titus, they say, affects not many makes,
But yet he is a sure friend where he takes,
Must he be hyr'd to loue then for a fee?
Take where and whom he list, he takes not mee.

Epigram. XCVIII. Ad amicum inuidum.

If that I liue and flourish as I would,
You loath me then, repining at my good.
If to lift vp my head I be not able,
You like me then for being miserable.
Are these the tearmes you stand on with your mate?
Loue you me? then pray shew it by your hate.

Epigram. XCIX.

[Of God, but by God none can thinke aright.]

Of God, but by God none can thinke aright.
As none can see the light, but by the light.

EPIGRAMMATVM Centuria secunda.

EPIGRAM. 1. In lasciuos Poëtas.

Gather the refuse scraps of looser times:
Huddle them vp in your lasciuious rimes:
Let no lewd action scape, but if your wit
May frame eōceits thereon, then out with it.
Runne they that list with this the times abuse;
I scorne it I to prostitute my muse.

Epigram. 2. Ad Zoïlum.

I mought be better busied; I graunt so:
Could I be better idle? surely no.
Then hold your idle chat, for I professe,
These are the fruits but of my idlenesse.

Epigram. 3. Veritas in vino.

It is no truth, that truth's in wine: for why?
Drunkards, Ile stand too't, vse most for to lye.

Epigram. 4. In Chiromanticum quendam.

One by profession a Palmester,
That in his rare iudicials could not erre,
Would needsly cause me for to vnderstand,
My fortune by the looking in my hand.
Of which after he had a perfect view,
'Mongst many false, I scarce heard one thing true.
Then I, to quite me like a lusty lad,
Straight crau'd his hand to shew the skill I had.
And therein at the first sight did espie,
That he had beene arraign'd for fellonie.
Whereon I told him, if he did not mend,
Of his then shortly following crack-rope end.
Thy verdict, Reader: iudge indifferently,
Which had more skill, the Palmester, or I.

Epigram. 5. Vox Martyrum ad Tyrannos.

These liues you seeke, so brittle is our state,
N'ould we, we should at last resigne to fate.
What doe you then, by forcing vs to die,
But make a vertue of necessity.

Epigram. 6. Ad Illustriss. Walliæ Principem Henricum Fredericum.

Two Kings names giuen you so long agone
Shew'd you were borne to rule more Realmes then one.

Epigram. 7. Sunday.

Why doe we onely one day Sunday call,
Seing the Sunne distributes light to all?
Ist not because that then, in spight of spies,
That glorious Sunne of righteousnesse did rise?

Epigram. 8. Ad Nobilissimam Heroinam Dominam Hellenoram Marchionissam Northampton.

In Swethland borne, at length by Gods decree,
From thence to England-ward you crost the maine:
And so 'twixt both did share your dignity,
For what one land could so great worth containe?
They glory may with vs, and we with them,
By turnes to haue enioy'd so rare a Iemme.

Epigram. 9.

[Health is a iewell; true. VVhich when we buy]

Health is a iewell; true. VVhich when we buy,
Physitians value it accordingly.

Epigram. 10. In Beatricem præproperè defunctam.

In Beatrice did all perfections grow,
That shee could wish or nature could bestow.
VVhen death enamor'd with that excellence,
Straight grew in loue with her, and tooke her hence.

Epigram. 11. In quendam improbulom, qui semper contendebat, dari vacuum in cælo.

Thou beat'st on this, and still dost striue to proue,
That there is empty roome in heauen aboue.
God alone knowes whether't be so or no,
I list not argue it I, to or fro;
Yet thinke, except he send thee the more grace,
Thou'lt nere come there, to fill an empty place.

Epigram. 12. Ad Nobiliss. Doctissimumque Heroâ D. Henricum Howard Comitem Northampt. &c.

'Mongst schollers yours the first place is by due,
They should forget themselues, forgat they you.

Epigram. 13. Ad eundem.

Vnmatcht perhaps you haue so long stood forth
To finde a fit match answering to your worth.
If none but her that's worthy of your bed,
You n'ere will wed, you n'ere will any wed.

Epigram. 14. In Aluinum.

Some of Aluinus friends, met purposely
T'extoll his worth, did praise him for to bee
Well timber'd; and to giue him the more grace
One of them said he had a wainscot face.
Another, thinking sure to strike the stroke,
Reported, that he was all hart of Oke.
Commend they him this way the best they can,
Yet shall they make him but a woodden man.

Epigram. 15. In Martyrem & hæreticum eodem igne conflagrantes.

An Heretique, and Martyr doom'd to die,
Appointed were in the same fire to frie.
When loe, the flame, (which made all to admire)
Purg'd this, but th'other did infect the fire.

Epigram. 16. In Septimium.

The wisest sort in priuate, now and then,
Doe talke, and prate, and ieere like other men.
So they say Cato, turmoil'd all the day,
In state affaires, being Romes greatest stay
Yet at night time, after his bus'nesse done
Would vent his braines, and let his folly runne.
No sooner had Septimius heard of this,
(Scorning a wise mans property to misse)
But with his friends he, in a merry mood,
In his no small discretion thought it good,
To giue his folly raines, and to remit
Somewhat of that his ouer-plus of wit.
This he affected much with ill successe,
Then what he would be, being nothing lesse.
Not that he was wise, that will neuer be:
But farre lesse foolish, in his foolerie,
Then when he (silly foole) in his owne eyes
Did please himselfe, and seeme to be most wise.

Epigram. 17. Academia Oxoniensis ad D. Tho. Bodleium equitem.

My three crownes are your armes, which well I brooke,
And would, that with my crownes you gaue my booke.

Epigram. 18. In Chrysalum.

The miser Chrysalus will hardly spend
One crosse on his owne vse, much lesse will lend
Or giue ought to the poore of all his pelfe;
Blame him not, for he loues them as himselfe.

Epigram. 19. Ad D. Thomam Bilson Episc. Winton. filium libelli sui patronum.

Should I prescribe you rules (yet who am I
That should goe to prescribe rules vnto you?)
These they should be; t'adore the Deitie
And next to God, to giue the Prince his due.
VVill you haue yet a more compendious way?
Follow your fathers steps; you cannot stray.

Epigram. 20. In Quintum ad Academicos.

Vrge Quintus with a text of any waight,
This text answer's it selfe, he answer's straight.
If it doe so, t'is well; else all his wit
For ought I see, would hardly answere it.

Epigram. 21. In Montanum surdastrum.

Fat-gut Montanus that big-bellied Lout
Is nought else but a tympanie throughout
Why meruaile yee then that he nothing heares,
Who euer saw a belly that had eares?

Epigram. 22. In Iusti Lipsij virginem Hallensem.

For very shame I would not haue beene said
In mine olde age to dote so on a maid.

Epigram. 23. Ad D.Io. Harmar S. Theol. Doct. Collegij Winton. Custodem.

My pens slit tongue, but lately learn'd to creake,
Knowes not how of your many tongues to speake.

Epigram. 24. Ad M. Nicolaum Loue Scholæ Winton, informatorem, suum quondam præceptorem.

Riuers spring from the Sea, and runne againe
With stint-lesse source at length into the maine
I am a Riuer, you the Ocean are,
From whence with many more I tooke my share.
Giue this small riu'let then your leaue to runne
Into the Ocean whence it first begunne.

Epigram. 25. Heauen on earth.

Who make this earth their heauen whereon they dwell
Their heauen once past, must looke to finde an Hell.

Epigram. 26. In Rob. Parsons Iesuitam. Rob-ertus.

Epigram. 27. Ad D.Iacobum Cooke LL.Doctorem & Theologum.

Law and Diuinity met in your head,
As in Rebeccaes wombe the twins did lie,
Of Esau she was first deliuered,
And you of Law, before Diuinity:
Then Isaac-like, from whom you may not swerue,
Make Iacob rule the rost, and Esau serue.

Epigram. 28. Ad M.Robertum Pinck Nou. Coll.socium: Acad. Oxon.Procuratorem de Paracelso.

They say that Paracelsus by his skill
Could make one more immortal then the moone:
If it were so (as credite it who will)
Thinke you he would haue died himselfe so soone?

Epigram. 29. In Friscum.

Friscus feeling his purse-strings in good plight,
Would needs in all post hast be made a Knight.
And told his wife she should be Ladyfied,
To whom halfe moou'd, she snappishly replied,
I Madam? meaner titles will fit me,
Your Mistresse I, I'le not your Lady bee.
Next, will you buy your Knight-hood like a mome,
When you may gratis here be dub'd at home?

Epigram. 30. De ambitione ad Aulicos.

This is ambitions course first to get place
Next vnto those, which are then most in grace.
Then, for to labour still, and neuer rest,
Till it be parallell vnto the best.
This got, yet on she will, and take a fall,
But she will get to ouertop them all.
Which once atchieu'd, with good successe to friend,
Then grieues she, that she has atttain'd her end.

Epigram. 31. In pragmaticum quendam.

No matter can there be of ieopardy,
But you will vndertake it presently.
Beware of vndertaking things so fast,
Least you be ouertaken at the last.

Epigram. 32. Ad M.Iohannem Hoskins I.C.

The yonkers which of late did trot and praunce,
Frisking it nimbly in the morrice daunce.
Vpon a new aduenture now are bound,
The like not to be seene aboue the ground:
To warres forsooth: and whether mought it be?
To the low Countries, where they all agree,
Vnder the Graue, when time serues to stand too't,
And thence till doomes day not to moue a foot.

Epigram. 33. In Pythagoram.

When that same Samian went about to show
How mens soules stil frō men to beasts did passe
It's credible of all the beasts I know,
That's owne soule at that time liu'd in an Asse.

Epigram. 34. In obitum sanctissimi viri D. Iohannis Reynoldi S. Theol Doct. Oxoniensis.

Thy death it was hard for to be discried,
Liuing thou wert so dead, so mortified.

Epigram. 35. Ad auarum quendam.

The barrels into which the Belides
Did poure in water still with stint-lesse paine
Tooke all they brought, and to their little ease,
Held it not long, but let it out againe.
Thy gripple fist, not altogether so,
Takes all, but taking all, lets nothing goe.

Epigram. 36. In quendam omniscium.

All things you know: what all? if it be so
Then you know this too, that you nothing know.

Epigram. 37. Ad M. Guidonem Dobbins Coll. Winton. Socium, patris sui quondam familiarem.

Gvido, the patterne of vnfained zeale,
Vithin whose breast, as in his proper place
True loue takes vp his stand; whose very weale,
Is his friend's good; whose death his friend's disgrace,
It ioy's me for to thinke my Father was,
Yet grieues me more to thinke he is not now,
Ioyn'd to you with that chaine as strong as brasse,
Of friendships doubly intermutuall vow.
Long since his body bad his soule adieu,
And yet me thinkes I see him liue in you.

EPIGRAM. 38. Ad M. Brewer medicum Bathon.

This phrase, to drinke a health, is onely trew,
Of drinke which men of your profession brew.

Epigram. 39. In Momum.

Momus would act the fooles part in a play,
And 'cause he would be exquisite that way,
Hies me to London, where no day can passe,
But that some play-house still his presence has.
Now at the Globe with a iudicious eye,
Into the Vice's action doth he prie.
Next to the Fortune, where it is a chaunce,
But he mark's something worth his cognisance.
Then to the Curtaine, where, as at the rest,
He notes that action downe that likes him best.
Being full fraught, at length he gets him home,
And Momus now, know's how to play the Mome.
There want's nought but a fooles cap on his head,
As for the action tut, hee'le strike it dead.
When the time came, he comes me on the stage,
Rap't as it were with an vnwieldy rage,
Of a fantastique braine, and gables out
Some senselesse wordes, well fitting such a lout:
Then his vnsauory speech he enterlaces,
With wreathed mouths, and filthy antike faces.
Fie on this Mimick skill, it marres his part:
Nature would doe farre better without art.

Epigram. 40.

[Ovr common parents straight vpon their fall]

Ovr common parents straight vpon their fall
Made breeches for to hide their shame with all
And as we read, both alike wore them then
Now females weare the breeches more then men.

Epigram. 41. Ad Capitaneum Winter. iuxtà Capitaneum Wood Bathoniæ degentem.

I cannot but commend your choice for good,
In that you Winter it so neare to Wood.

Epigram. 42. In Cornutum.

Cornutus hearing some prankes of his wife
(How true God knowes) thence with a watchfull eye
Obseru'd her still; nor could shee for her life,
Steppe out, but he would track her presently,
Why what an Asse was this to labour so,
To know that which he would be loath to know.

Epigram. 43. Ad T. S. hospitem suum de hospitio.

Lodging some which in shew like men appeare,
You take in many an Angell in a yeare.

Epigram. 44. In Lalum.

Marke Lalus when he doth a tale begin,
And say whether, d'ye see, doe not come in:
See, or not see, all's one, what neede he feare?
'Twere better for him, if we did not heare.

EPIGRAM. 45. Ad cognatos suos, Henricum, Robertum, & Gulielimum, Stephanos.

Cozens, your name seemes to import a crowne,
And crowns your chests can witnes you haue store
If you respect your glory or renowne,
There is one crowne yet to be sought for more.
A crowne, not such a one as Kings doe weare
For that, you know is subiect to the rust:
A crowne it is which endlesse date shall beare
Reseru'd in heauen for none but the iust.
Let others then goe scrape for muckie gaine,
And, caitiues as they are, be Mammons slaues;
This greedy gulfe it will procure their paine,
VVhen they shall beare not one crosse to their graues.
But you as Pilgrims going a long way,
Carry nought but your needments at your backe;
As much as may your charges well defray;
Shunne superfluity, and rather lacke.
For he that is for such a iourney dight,
In my conceit, he cannot goe too light.

Epigram. 46. In itinerantium fabulas.

Among strange tales which trauellers doe tell,
They talke of Pigmey-brats, & where they dwell
The place which for their Countrey they assigne,
Is out beyond the Mauritanian mine.
VVhy say they not, that they are here hard by?
So mought men take them tripping in a lye.

Epigram. 47. Ad M. Rob. Chambers, de Creatione, & fine sæculi.

God he made all of nought before the fall,
Yet will not in the end make nought of all.

EPIGRAM. 48.

[Philip, and Franck, and such like names there bee]

Philip, and Franck, and such like names there bee
That alike to both sexes doe agree:
Will is a name to men alonely due,
VVomen so call'd as yet I neuer knew.
Yet mought they well, being for the most part still,
So aukward, and so giuen to their will.
Or else, that the confusion may be lesse,
Will, be a mans name: womans, wilfulnesse.

Epigram. 49. In fratrem suum nuper defunctum.

One brother had I whilst thou wer't aliue:
But one it is no number, as some say:
None had I then whil'st thou didst yet suruiue
What haue I now since thou art t'ane away?
If none before, then sure, since thou art gone,
It followes that I must haue lesse then none.

Epigram. 50. Ad M. Tho. Iamesium de libello suo cuititulus, Catalogus librorum Biblioth. publ. &c.

What so is in a thing that is contain'd,
Must needes be in that which containes that thing.
This axionte to be but forg'd and fain'd,
An instance shall euince, which now I bring.
Your booke my studies roome can well enfold:
But the bookes in your booke it cannot hold.

Epigram. 51. In Anginam.

The squinancy, a most tormenting paine,
Heates a mans iawes, and so enflames his braine,
Then with excessiue paine our sleepe doth breake:
And which is worst it will not let one speake.
If any Lawyer sicke of this doe lye,
Send him to me, I know a remedy.

Epigram. 52. In Parcum.

Parcus inuited me with many more
To take a supper with him such a day:
Welcome's your cheere, said he, looke for no store:
A short come off, but a bit and away.
I thought a while these wordes were complement,
Yet found at last he spoke but what he meant.
When we had emptied all his dishes cleane,
About which businesse long we did not dwell,
Parcus at last, as was his wonted meane,
At parting kindly bad vs all fare-well.
At home we did, and so by chaunce we sped,
Else mought we haue gone supperlesse to bed.

Epigram. 53. De seruo eligendo.

If e're I haue, I will haue, if I can,
A lustie, and a trustie seruing-man.

Epigram. 54. Ad D. Thomam Ryues, LL. Doct. nou. coll. socium.

The Law, they say giues eu'ry man his due;
VVere I a Lawyer, so would I giue you:
Since I professe me to be no such man,
Looke not for what I would, but what I can.

Epigram. 55. In proditores puluerarios.

If that most horrid, execrable deed
VVherein so many were design'd to bleed,
Had sped, then Puritans had forth-with bin,
Blazed for th' actors of that damned sinne.
And Puritans they were, I graunt it free:
But Papist-Puritans, as Iesuites bee.
Or otherwise thus: they were Puritans:
From the Greeke πυρ, to wit, Ignatians.
Iesuitæ, sic dicti ab Ignatio Loiolâ.

Epigram. 56. In Athum.

Athus his liuing Couze could ne're abide,
So like a naile he stucke in's vlcerous side.
When he was dead, and had left him behind,
Neuer man to a kinsman was more kind.
T'is strange to thinke how highly he him prais'd.
What lamentations and what moanes he rais'd.
VVhy, yet I see all kindnesse was not fled,
T'is loue, to loue one though for being dead.

Epigram. 57. Solæcismus Grammaticalis ad M. Antonium Geffreys.

How e're Grammarians do their speeches frame,
And to be lou'd, do a verbe Passiue name;
Try who so list, and he at length shall proue,
That they are most in passion, which do loue.

EPIGRAM. 58. Ad Crassum, de formâ corporeitatis.

If that it be at all, then certainly
Thou hast that forme of corporeitie.

EPIGRAM. 59. The vanitie of the eye. Ad M. Geo. Hakewill.

So rightly set you downe the vanities
Of those bewitching lights, I meane our eyes,
That I doe here confesse you make me doubt,
VVhether 'twere best or no to doe them out.
For as we see a seel'd Doue mounts vpright,
So would our thoughts free'd from the let of sight.

Epigram. 60. Aenigma; ad Lectorem.

What creature mought that be as you suppose,
That beares his eyes, no eyes, on's nose, no nose.

EPIGRAM. 61. De Peccato. Ad M. Guliel. Twisse Theolog.

By sinne from blisse our common parents fell,
And we with them incurr'd the paines of hell.
Yet this, which all mankind did so enthrall,
Some a priuation, and a nothing call.
VVith iustice selfe how could it then agree,
For nothing so to plague mortalitie?

Epigram. 62.

[Knowledge it puffeth vp: and yet I see]

Knowledge it puffeth vp: and yet I see,
No reason why our knowledge should do so:
Hauing it in so slender a degree,
As none need feare least it should ouer-flow.
All the perfection vnto which we come,
Is but to be lesse ignorant then some.

EPIGRAM. 63. Stoica, & Christiana resolutio: ad M. Ioan. Hoskins LL. Baccal. noui coll. Socium.

Tyrannvs. Stoicvs.
Ty.
Thy goods they shall be confiscate to me,

St.
I care not much for that; suppose they be.

Ty.
In dungeon darke thou shalt be vnder keepe.

St.
Is't darke? the better shall I see to sleepe.

Ty.
If all this will not serue, then looke to die:

St.
As though I thought to liue immortally.

Tyrannvs, Christianvs.
Ty.
I'le take from thee the goods thou had'st before:

Ch.
The God which gaue me those, can giue me more.

Ty.
Close pen't in prison shalt thou rottting lie.

Ch.
Thraldome for his sake is true libertie.

Ty.
Then last, I will thee vtterly destroy.

Ch.
VVelcome my death, an entrance into ioy.

EPIGRAM. 64. In Amorphum.

Amorphus steps not out of dores a nights,
For feare of meeting some mishapen sprights.
Whereas saw they his face so grisly grim,
The sprights they would be more afraid of him.

EPIGRAM. 65. In Fortunatum.

Don Fortunatus trauailing by night,
Mass'd of his way ith darke, as well he might
At length roaming a long time vp and downe,
He tooke a path, that led him to a Towne.
And there, as God would, lighted on his friend
Bed-rid, and as then drawing neere his end.
Who, of his presence being wondrous glad,
Possess'd him by his will of all he had.
And so, though Fortunatus went astray
He found, that it was nothing out of sway.

Epigram. 66. In Medonem.

Stand forth, and proue who dares, if so he can,
That Captaine Medon is no Gentleman.
Who when men fists about his eares did flie
Most gently put vp all without replie.

Epigram. 67. Ad amantissimos fratres Robertum & Richardum Adamos noui Collegij Socios.

Adam's first children, in the worlds first state,
Were iangling still, and still were at debate.
Till by that enuious, and bloud-thirstie Cain,
Abel, not able to resist, was slaine,
You Adams children, his first children bee,
Yet brother-like, nay friend-like both agree.

Epigram. 68. In Nasonem.

Naso had no tricke left to scape his foes
But to take couert vnder his huge nose.

EPIGRAM. 69.

[A Woman ouer-cloyd with great distresse]

A Woman ouer-cloyd with great distresse,
Came to me and bewail'd her wretchednesse.
Yet if I may coniecture by my sight,
Surely she was not such a wretched wight.
Full fac't, plum cheekt, her sides three inches thicke:
So clog'd with fat, that a snaile mou'd more quicke.
If likely then said I, that you should be
Subiect to such a deale of miserie,
And keepe your flesh so well; then straight she cries:
And after teares gaue leaue, thus she replies:
Grosse am I growne for want of due reliefe;
And, out alas, I am puft vp with griefe,

Epigram. 70. Ad medicos, de nouo genere medendi.

Christ heales our wounds, not as Physitians doe,
For he prescribes and takes the potion too.

Epigram. 71. In memoriam Charoli Hoskins nov. Coll. quondam Socij, & sui familiaris defuncti.

That thou wer't witty, if I tell thy name,
I know there's none will contradict the same.
Oh had thy body answer'd to thy minde.
Thou would'st (or els affection makes me blinde)
Haue beene one of the mirrours of our dayes,
Borne both thine owne, and countreyes name to raise.
Pitty it was (but that it was Gods will)
That so diuine a wit did dwell so ill.

Epigram. 72. In Pharaonem.

Pharaoh, for all his plagues yet still tooke hart,
Nor would he let Gods people to depart.
It had beene better for him and his race,
Had he t'ane lesse hart, and more hart of grace.

Epigram. 73. In Gallam.

Galla's as foule a wench, the truth to say,
As one shall light on in a summers day:
Yet Scylla faine would match her with his heyre
Shee's rich, and sickly, though she be not faire.

Epigram. 74. In Misum.

Misus hath great possessions in his hand,
Millions of money too, at his commaund.
His grounds they spread so, that a strong-wing'd Kite,
Can hardly flie about them at one flight.
And yet this Cribfist, this penurious chuffe
Still scrapes as though he nere should haue enough.
Seekes he but that which is sufficient?
Then halfe his goods would haue wrought his content.
Seekes he to glut his greedy gormandize?
Not twice ten thousand worlds will it suffice.

Epigram. 75. In Porcum.

Porcus that foule vnsociable hogge,
Grunts me out this still: Loue me, loue my dog.
And reason is there why we should so doe,
Since that his dog's the louelier of the two.

Epigram. 76. In Ariostum Orlandi furiosi autorem.

He that could so well expresse those frantike fits,
Shewes that himselfe was passing well in's wits.

Epigram. 77. In Hesperidum.

Riches crept on Hesperidus by stealth,
Yet can he not get manners to his wealth:
His holy-dayes face is to loure and pout,
His salutation not to bend, but lout.
His best of gestures is but like a clownes,
His laughter grinning, and his smiles are frownes.

Epigram. 78. In transubstantiatores.

The Cannibal's eate men with greedinesse:
And Transubstantiators doe no lesse:
No lesse? nay more; and that farre more by ods;
Those eate mans flesh, these rauine vpon Gods.

Epigram. 79. In Cinnam.

When Cinna saw, how that his spouse misse-led
Had not beene true vnto his nuptiall bed.
It irk't him, and his griefe did so abound,
That at the length he fell into a swound.
His neighbours sent-for came vnto his aide;
At length recouer'd, like one halfe dismaide,
He lifts me vp his dreary drouping eyes,
And then bespoke his friendes there in this wise.
Not being Cuckold makes me in this traunce,
Neighbours, alas, you know, a common chaunce!
Had any other woman seru'd me so,
It had not mou'd me halfe so much; but ô
This, this it is, that grieues me to the life,
That I should be made Cuckold by my wife.

Epigram. 80. Ad Rhemistas de translatione noui Testamenti ab illis editâ.

Depositum, supersubstantiall bread,
The transmigration, deflorished,
Impudicities, supererogate,
Exinanited, repropitiate,
The day Dominicall, ebrietie,
With commessations, superedifie,
And such like monstrous tearmes, that I may leaue,
To reckon vp the Pasch, and Parasceue:
Are these fit wordes for a translation
Pray in the language of what nation?

Epigram. 81. In Rufum.

Rvfus got's nose so full of fiery wheales,
By studying presently vpon his meales.
Credit you not this tale? I pray Sir, why?
It sounds not to my hearing like a lye.
For straight on meales still may you see the man
In a browne study at an Ale-house Can.

Epigram. 82.

[Those men whose minds on earthly things are pight]

Those men whose minds on earthly things are pight
Must needs worke works of darknes & the night.
For night it selfe, should we search out her birth,
VVhat is it but the shadow of the earth?

Epigram. 83. In vecordem quendam de patris virtute iactabundum.

Brag of thy Fathers valour as well knowne,
For sure I am thou canst not of thine owne.

Epigram. 84.

[Some men I graunt from wedlock may be free]

Some men I graunt from wedlock may be free,
But those men which are husbands, cannot bee.
Yet knew I one was both, which had no wife,
For he was neuer married in his life.

Epigram. 85.

[What man is there a tenaunt but at will]

What man is there a tenaunt but at will,
Knowing he may, as now, be turned out:
VVill, on no further hopes, be building still?
And decke his house, and garnish it about?
Yet we decke vp our corps, and make them gay,
Likely for ought we know, to die to day.

Epigram. 86. Ad cognatum quendam sui nominis.

Brotherhood lies low buried vnder ground,
And nought but couznage now is to be found.

Epigram. 87. In Christophorum fœneratorem.

You beare Christ (for your name was giuen thence)
VVhere trow? sure not within your conscience.
For he that inly bore Christ so, that man,
Would haue borne one day with a Christian.

Epigram. 88.

[The strowting Peacocke, hauing once descride]

The strowting Peacocke, hauing once descride
His ougly feete, then forthwith vailes his pride.
Should we looke on our feete as he, I feare
T'would rather make vs prowder then we were.

Epigram. 89. De Dijs gentium, ad Christianos.

What debosht creatures, worse then bad by ods,
Did not the Heathen vse t'enroll for Gods?
Ioue ouer all must haue the highest throne,
Although his wife, and Sister be all one.
Venus that tyr'd, and common hackney minion,
A Goddesse is at least in their opinion.
The swill-bowle Bacchus with his dropsie face,
In heauen, as his by due, may claime a place.
But these conceipts long since are banished,
And with their first inuentors now are dead.
Those vices, which we cannot well defie,
Yet at the least, let not vs deifie.

Epigram. 90. Iustitia vniuersalis.

An vniuersall, as such, in no case,
Is to be tied to tearmes of time or place.
Iustice is vniuersall, wherefore then,
Seeke we now for to finde it amongst men?

Epigram. 91. In Linum.

Linus, what e're it is disturb's his pate,
Is as they say growne out of's wits alate.
How can it be that he should now begin,
For to be out of that he ne're was in?

Epigram. 92. Tobacco.

We buy the driest wood that we can finde,
And willingly would leaue the smoke behinde.
But in Tobacco a thwart course we take,
Buying the hearb onely for the smokes sake.

Epigram. 93. Amor cæcus.

Loue through our eyes doth first an entrance finde,
How is it then they say that loue is blinde?
Know ye not how both these may well agree?
Though he be blinde, yet can his mother see.

Epigram. 94. In Atheum & Zatheum.

When Atheus swore, I wish'd him to forbeare:
This was the mēds: he swears he did not sweare
When Zatheus swore, I wish'd him to forbeare.
This was the mends; he sayes he will not sweare.
Which will you credit, take your choice of both,
This later's promise, or that Hell-hounds oath.

Epigram. 95. In quendam ægrè ferentem bestiarum nomina nobis accommodari.

Blame not those which beasts names to mē do giue,
Since men more like to beasts, then men, do liue.

Epigram. 96.

[Whilst it is yet new dayes, we frolick free]

Whilst it is yet new dayes, we frolick free,
Letting the raines to sinne at libertie.
Thus doe we liue to day, to morrow die.
And then say, where is all our iollitie?

Epigram. 97. In fœminas vultus suos pingentes.

Blush ye not, that you may looke graciously,
With ointments so your blushlesse cheeks to die?
That which is so bedaub'd, so plaistred o're,
Shal it be call'd a face, or else a sore?

Epigram. 98. In Porum.

Porus the onely slouen of our dayes,
Is (for I dare auouch it to his praise)
No punie scholler, wonderfully read,
As any of his time that beares a head.
Yet of all the Authors common here with vs,
It seemes he ne're heard of Go-clenius.

Epigram. 99. Ad Pontum, de Fusco.

Fvscus, you say has hit vpon of late
A comely proper woman for his mate.
Comely I graunt: but proper? ho there why?
Dare you assure him that? so doe not I.

EPIGRAM. 100. Ad Momum.

Let any riper iudgement reprehend
What he list in these lines, as slightly pend.
His iust doome, though condemn'd, I must aby,
And put it vp, although vnwillingly.
As for you Momus, if you carpe Sir, looke
To heare more from me in another booke.