University of Virginia Library

To Fustis, Knave of Clubbs.

Fvstis, the humours of a Knaue,
To thee I dedicate;
Which hath bin christned knaue of Clubs,
By Gentle-men of late.
For thy notorious swaggering life,
Thou liu'st about the towne;
And Fleet-street fraies, when Prentices
With Clubs did knock thee downe:
Thy tricks, and feates, thou hast at cards,
To cut vpon a Knaue,
That let a man draw where he will,
Thy picture he shall haue.
Thy haunting of the Dicing-house,
To cheate a liuing there,
The Panders profit out of Whores,
For whome thou't fight and sweare.
Thy bould and brasen fac'd exploit,
In want, some quoine to get,
At Bedlem bouling-alley late,
Where Cittizens did bet:
And threw their mony on the ground,
To which thou didst incline,
And taking vp an angell, swore
By God this game is mine.
VVhile they vpon each other looke
Not knowing what to say:
Clubs calls (come sirha) to his man,
And goes with quoine away.
These and a thousand villanies,
Which now I will omit,
Hath got thee placed Captaine heere,
because thou merrits it.
March in the forefront of my Booke,
And say J vse thee kinde:
A crew of mad-men, knaues, and fooles,
Thy fellowes, come behinde.

A Whoremonger.

An ancient wooer matcht himselfe for gold,
Vnto a widdow foure-score winters old,
Whose wholsome mony did beget good will
She brought him bags, 4. husbands help'd to fill.
As arrant misers as the earth containes,
which with their moyling care, and pessant paines
Had scraped thousands, yet euen such they were,
As Isis Asse which loads of gold did beare,
and was himselfe an obiect toyling beast,
burdned with that which be inioyed least.
This golden Grandham lou'd a cup of Sack,
Which her kind husband would not see her lack:
But willingly anights would make her drunke,
Because indeed he kept a seruant puncke,
Who when her mistres had it in the hed,
Would come and creepe into her maisters bed.
This held out long, vntil one night, kind Ione
Hearing her maister cough, and mistris grone,
prepared her selfe (the cough was still his call)
To tell the naked truth, she stript off all.
And comming like a wench of willing sprite,
To doe her maisters busines in the night,
Such tumbling in the bed (belike) did keepe,
She wak'd her quiet mistris out of sleepe.
Who was by this recouered in the braine,
And gotten sober by her sleepe againe.
Perceiuing plainely how the matter went,
And why the kindnes of the Sack was ment,
Starts vp, and cries, ah whore am I your bawd?
Out wicked knaue, and with her nailes beclawd
Them cruelly, that Wench and Maister bled;
Then with her feete she spurn'd them out of bed.
The violence of that same furious fall,
Threw them both downe, with chamberpot & all.
So that the scratching, wash'd with filthy smell,
Did kill the itch like whipping in Bride-well.

A Pander.

A country blew-coate Seruing-man,
In Tearme-time sent to Towne:
Would range the Cittie for some newes
To carry with him downe.
At length he got into Moore-fields.
Viewing the walkes and trees:
And thence to garden Alley goes,
VVhere at a dore he sees,
A Puncke prepar'd for passengers,
Set out for bawdy sale,
VVho smiling said, kind gentle-man,
Bestow some bottle-ale
Vpon me, if you loue a wench,
VVhome you shall ready finde,
To counteruaile your curtesie,
In what you will most kinde.
Some Bottle-Ale (quoth he) where ist?
Hast any nere at hand?
Yes sir (said she) I pray' come in,
Thus she was seruing-mand.
He sits him downe into a Chayre,
And to his liquor falles;
While she vnto her maides for Cakes,
Stew'd Prunes, and Pippins calles.
Which being brought them, downe she sits
And as they both imbrace;
A swaggering Rogue breaks open dore,
And's Rapier did vncase.
Villaine (quoth he) and damned whore,
Before the Lord you dye,
For this deflouring of my wife,
What hast thou to reply?
Sir said the clowne you doe me wrong,
Vpon me thus to raile,
As J came by she cald me in,
To drinke some Bottle-Ale,
And by this bread I touch'd no more
But onely hand, and lip:
No (said the Ruffian) speake you whore,
And looke thou doost not trip,
Else had you thousand liues you die,
She falling downe with speede,
Cri'de out, deere husband pardon me,
We haue bin nought indeede.
Sirrah what say you now (quoth he)
She hath confest it plaine?
Villaine thou diest: oh holde (sayes he)
Heare me one worde againe,
Fiue pounds is all the quoyne I haue,
That will I freely giue:
Heere take it sir with all my heart,
So you will let me liue.
Fiue pound (quoth he) dost think Ile sell
My reputation so?
Fiue hundred will not satisfie,
My wife was chast (I know)
Before thou broughtst her vnto this,
Speake, didst offend before?
Neuer kind husband (quoth the whore)
Nor nere will wrong you more.
Well, huswife well, your teares preuaile
Ioyn'd with a faithfull vow,
Giue me fiue pound, and for this time
Ile pocket all vp now.
You seeme an honest simple man,
Refraine to tempt mens wiues:
The onely cause I let you liue,
Is to amend your liues.

A Sharke.

Two hungery Sharkes did trauaile Paules,
Vntil their guts cride out,
And knew not how with both their wits
To bring one meale about.
Sayes one to tother, what quoine hast?
My famisht entralls groanes:
I finde but hungry dyet here,
Amongst these rotten bones.
He did reply, faith not a Crosse
To blesse me in this case,
I must goe seeke to mend my selfe,
In some more wholsome place.
And I but one poore peny haue,
In all the worlde is mine:
(Quoth tother) but Ile trye my wits
How that can make me dine.
So towards Smithfield he departs,
Vnto a Cooeks thereby,
And calleth for his Can of Beere,
The boy comes presently,
And brings it him: Sir said the youth,
Will't please you eat a bit?
Ile fetch a dainty slice of beefe
Is hot vpon the spit.
Sirra (qd. he) why doe and t'woot,
Which nimble Iacke did bring:
And he as nimbly eat it vp,
Yet still his guts did wring.
Iacke sees all gone, saies, Gentleman
Will't please you taste good Cheese?
I boy and t'woot (quoth he againe)
Thought Sharke this well agrees
with my most wofull stomackes state,
So Iacke with Cheese comes in,
And that was soone deuowred vp,
Euen as the Beefe had bin.
Being thus dispatcht, he layes down Iack
A peny for the shot;
Sir what shall this doe said the boy?
Why rogue discharge my pot:
So much I cald for, but the rest
By me shall nere be paid,
For victualls thou didst offer me,
Doe and thou woot I said.
Iack seeing he no more would pay
Vnto his maister went,
And tould him there was one within,
That had much victualls spent,
And would not see the house dischargd,
The Cooke vnto him goes,
Requesting him of curtesie,
To pay the debt he owes.
Sir said the swaggerer, I protest,
I cald but for a Can,
According to the coine I had,
As I am Gentle-man,
My hunger was exceeding great,
Your boy did offer beefe,
And bread, and cheese, which when I heard
Vnto my stomakes griefe,
Quoth I, why bring it Boy and t'woot,
Leauing it to his will;
Which he did bring, as if he meant
My hungry Corps to fill.
I could not chuse but feede thereon,
(This is the truth mine Hoast)
Yet score it vp, when God sends coyne
I will discharge your poast.
The Cooke sees nothing to be had,
Lets him depart away:
Who meetes his fellowe Sharke,
In Paules againe next day.
And tolde him how exceeding well,
He for his penny sped,
On roasted beefe, good bread & cheese,
Onely for that he fed.
Prethy (quoth he) but tell me where?
That Hoast shall sure be mine,
Marry (saies he) in such a place,
A Cooke at such a signe.
Goe there, and call but for a Can,
And ther's a dapper knaue,
Comes, gentleman, what dainty bit
For diet will you haue?
A stately peece of roasted Beefe,
Fine Chese, what will you eat?
Then say you, sirrah I and t'woot,
You need not pay for's meat.
Oh excellent (quoth he) Il'e goe,
Such simple fooles to gull:
And spend a pot withall my heart,
To fill my belly full.
Away he walkes vnto the house,
To feed him on the iest,
Sirrah (saies he) a Can of beere,
And looke you bring the best.
The boy according to his vse,
Returnes with nimble speede,
Saying, gentleman i'st your desire
On fine roast beefe to feede?
Fine beefe (quoth he?) I boy an t'woot,,
The boy runs downe amaine:
Cries Mr. come, bring Tom and George,
Heere's I an t'woot againe.
His maister brings vp both his men,
In all the hast might bee:
And I an t'woot bebasted so,
He had no eyes to see.
They larded and begreas'd his bones,
Vntill his shoulders sweat:
And gaue him sower sawce good store,
Vnto his fellowes meat.

A Politique Theefe.

Amongst free-booters by the hye way side,
Such as mens pursses wofully misguie,
Vnto some Inne the owner neuer ment,
To be beyond a Lordships lowance spent,
A Gentileman that could dispend by yeare,
Fiue hundred pounds (when purchase came in cleere)
Whose liuing onely made him to repine,
Because the Hangman was to haue a fine,
At Burstow-causie, Gads-hill, and Coome-parke,
Had taken vp about some hundred-marke,
With which to London he was forced to flye,
And get him cleere of fearefall Hue and Crye,
Meeting with one iust of his owne dispose,
With him he plotted to escape his foes,
And tould him in what tearmes his case did stand,
What extreame danger eminent at hand,
But (saith he) if thou wilt afforde consent,
My policy their purpose shall preuent.
I'le frame a bill that I am in thy debt,
And to the same an Ante-date will set,
Thou shalt arrest me, I'le to prison go,
And they may search vntill their hearts ake so,
No man will looke for me in that same place,
T'will be my castle for some three monthes space,
while they search Tauerne, rifle victualing-house
There I secure will drinke a healths carouse,
This was agreed vnto, the bill was made,
Purse-taker was arrested, there he staide,
Vntill no further danger did appeare,
Then with his creditor the debt did cleere,
And being discharg'd, they to a Tauerne went,
Quoth plotter, here's an angel to be spent
Onely in kindnes prethy back restore,
VVhat J haue paid in iest, six angels more
The other wisht God might his soule confound,
If he paid back a penny of that three pound,
I sau'd thy life (quoth he) and will be paide,
Although the plot thereof by thee was laide
Th'effecting it by me thou didst obtaine,
Nay, I haue venterd hanging for my paine,
And dost thou thinke ten shillings spent in wine,
Sufficient pay for this good turne of mine?
My staying here in towne to pleasure thee,
Is many a purse out of the way to me,
Had bin mine owne as sure as this is plate:
Drinke, no more words, a penny I'le not bate.
Quoth tother, wilt not? and his poniard drew,
Stabs at him, saying, villaine thou shalt rue
This cheating of a better man then thou:
Saies t'other, th'art an arrant theefe I vow,
Drawing his dagger, wounding him againe.
With that, house-guests prest in amaine,
And vnderstanding how their quarrell grew,
The robbery, and plot that did ensew,
The falling out for challenging three pound,
They present were for new-gate voyage bound,
From thence vp Holborne-hill they were conuaid
And so at Tiburne all their quarrell staid.

A Cousening Knaue.

A shifting knaue about the towne,
Did challenge wondrous skill
To tell mens fortunes and good haps,
He had the starrs at will.
What day was best to trauaile on,
Which, fit to chuse a wife,
If violent, or naturall
A man should end his life.
Successe of any sute in law,
Which parties cause preuailes:
When it is good to pick ones teeth,
And ill to pare his nailes.
So cunningly he plaid the knaue,
That he deluded many,
With shifting, base, and cousening tricks
For skill he had not any.
Amongst a crew of simple guls,
That plid'e him to their cost,
A Butcher comes and craues his helpe,
That had some cattell lost,
Ten groates he gaue him for his fee,
And he to coniure goes,
With characters, and vocables,
And diuerse antique showes.
The butcher in a beastly feare,
Expected spirits still,
And wished himselfe within his shop,
Some sheepe or calfe to kill:
His coloure changed red and pale,
The sweat ran downe his face,
And by the smell a man might iudge,
His hose in filthy case.
At length out of an od blind hole,
Behind a painted cloth,
A Deuill comes with roaring voyce,
Seeming exceeding wroth,
VVith squibs and crackers round about,
VVilde-fier he did send,
which swaggring Ball the buttchers dog
So highly did offend,
That he vpon the Deuill flies,
And shakes his hornes so sore,
Euen like an Oxe (most terrible)
He made hobgoblin roare,
The cunning man cries, for Gods loue helpe
Vnto your mastiffe call,
Fight Dog, fight Deuill, (butcher said)
And claps his hands at Ball.
The Dog most cruell tore his flesh,
The Deuill went to wracke,
And looked like a tattered rogue,
With ne're a rag on's backe.
Giue me my mony back againe,
Thou slaue the (butcher said)
Or I will see your Deuils heart,
Before he can be laid:
He gets not back againe to hell,
Ere I my mony haue,
Nay and I wil haue intrest too,
Besides mine owne I gaue.
Deliuer first mine owne ten groats,
And then a crowne to boote
I smell your Deuils knauery out,
He wants a clouen foote,
The Coniurer with all his heart,
The mony back repaies,
and giues fiue shillings of his owne,
To whome the butcher saies,
Farewell most scuruy Coniurer,
Thinke on my valiant deed,
Which haue done more then English George
That made the Dragon bleed:
He and his Horse the story tells,
Did but a Serpent slay:
I and my Dog the Deuill spoyld,
We two haue got the day.

A Cuckolde.

Two rayling creatures fell at strife,
and such a clamour made,
That people passing by, stood still,
To hearken what they saide.
Amongst the rest a woman comes,
Demanding of the rout:
I pray (quoth she) what is the cause,
Of all this falling out?
One presently made answere thus,
You are a whore (quoth he)
Thou art an arrand scuruy knaue,
and rascall rogue (said she)
Why thus (quoth he) these two fell out
The quarrell that they haue,
Began at first as we doe now,
With calling whore and knaue.

Master make-shift.

A needy Poet of a poore complexion,
Whose purse was sick of very long infection,
That writ (as beggers craue an almes) for need
Oft wanting meat when he would gladly feed
(Who when he trauaild to Parnassus hill,
Was much behoulding to Tobacco still,
For how so'ere his chimney wanted fire,
His nose was smoaking to his hearts desire)
Comes to a Tauerne, where he vnderstood,
A dinner was prepar'd exceeding good,
For diuers Gentlemen, of which kind crewe,
Some halfe a dosen very friends he knewe:
So bouldly did intrude into the place,
With hungry stomack, and a brasen face,
They welcome him, and kindly doe intreat
To doe as they doe, sit him downe and eat.
Which wholesome word no repetition needes,
For like a starueling, he falls to and feedes:
Little discourse long time he could afford,
But answeres true sir vnto euery word:
Tis right forsooth, and so againe crammes in,
As if a fortnight he had fasting bin:
Plying his victualls thus an hower at least,
Like vnto VVoolnor that same rauening beast,
his pudding house at length began to swell,
And he tooke leisure some strange lies to tell;
And those he sweares vnto by cups of wine,
(For now to liquor he doth whole incline)
VVell, growing late they for a reckning call,
And Vintners boy brings vp a bill of all,
So euery man doth cast his mony downe,
Ten groats, three shillings, other some a crowne:
VVhich all vpon a trencher was conuaid
To Poet pennilesse, and him they praid
To make the shot: nay Gentlemen (quoth he)
I doe intreat you all to pardon me,
I'le spend my crowne, and put his hand in 'shose,
Where not a penny could be found God knowes
while still they swear that he shall make the shot:
At last the mony in his hands he got,
And rising, to the fidlers turnes about,
Come on (qd. he) what new thing is come out?
Sure Gentleman (said they) we haue not any,
Then sing me, I could fancie louely Nanny,
(and here is for you, I'le but goe and leake,
Call for a pot: there's not a rogue will speake)
So takes his cloake and downe the staires away,
With all the mony was laid downe to pay:
The Gentlemen suspecting no such thing,
Discourse together, and the fidlers sing,
Vntill they misse their Poet ouer long,
Who tooke his leaue most kindly with a song.
They knock, and call, and send to seeke below
But whats become of him there's none doth know
Hee's gone to walke his dinner to disgest,
Of all the mony they laid downe possest,
Some fifty shillings he had gotten cleare,
In curtesie for all the great good cheare.
Now euery man must to his purse againe,
In Vintners debt, and fidlers, they remaine.
Some sweare, some swagger, others laugh thereat
Wishing the reckning would make thin-gut fat.
A pox vpon this Poet one did curse,
He hath not left a penny in my purse:
Fiue shillings not a farthing more I had,
And thus be-guld, doth make me almost mad,
With all my heart I'le spend a crowne, or twaine,
To meete the rascall in my dish againe:
I would be-stab his skin like doublet cuts,
And garter vp his stockins with his guts,
Then down the staires the villaine should be tost,
Like to a foot-ball in a winters frost.
Gentlemen saies another, silence now,
T'is but a folly to protest and vow,
Although plaine-dealing be a Iewell still,
We must vse double-dealing gainst our will,
And pay our shot againe was paid before,
For yet you see we stand vpon the score:
We are well seru'd if this be rightly scand,
To put our reckning into Make-shifts hand,
But laugh it out, least we be laught to scorne,
Good wits are worthy to haue charges borne.

A Gull.

One wittily describ'd a Gull,
In different sorte and kinde
And to the life doth paint a fop,
For eies that are not blinde.
His first Gull feares a silken wench,
Her veluet gowne doth scare him,
Another weares a siluer hilt,
Yet euery boy will dare him.
Next commeth fashions Iack-an-apes,
A Gull compos'd of pride,
That hath his goodnes in good cloathes,
And nothing good beside.
And lastly he's a Gul of Guls,
That makes an outward seeming,
Yet hath not one poore ounce of wit,
That's worth wise mens esteeming.
But vnto these let's ad a Gull,
That's very late found out,
Will spend his liuing, land, and wealth,
To finde conclusions out.
Hee'l make you bread of pompion seeds,
Shall farr excell all wheat,
And with a kind of burning glasse,
In Sunne, roast any meat.
Heele teach an ape to speak good french
Iack-daw to write and read,
And has a trick to vse a Cat,
That she shall Ferrets breed.
Yet these are all inferiour things,
To those his wit hath found,
Such secrets neuer were disclos'd,
Vpon this earthly ground,
For shortly he intends to flie,
One wing is almost made,
To put downe simple Dedalus,
He doth himselfe perswade.
But see how wise ingenious men,
Doe often ouerslip!
A craftier knaue then he (of late)
Had got him on the hip,
Which sould him a familiar flie
A Deuill in a box,
An artificiall flie of silke,
(A Deuill with a pox)
For this my Gull giues twenty pound,
Would I might sell him flies:
But he should learne besides forsooth,
To make a Deuill rise.
This was allowed to the match,
And he must fall to charme,
So both against the poynted day,
Themselues for spirits arme,
The Gull gets on a surplis,
With a crosse vpon his brest,
Like Allen playing Faustus,
In that manner was he drest.
And hauing all his furniture,
He steps into the ring,
Saies his instructer, stir not out,
I must goe fetch a thing
(I left below) I needs must haue,
So out of doores he hies,
Vnto an officer hard by,
Saying sir in any wise,
Come with all expedition,
I will bring you to a place,
Where a most wicked creature is,
A wretch that wanteth grace,
Raising of Deuils, which you know,
The law doth straight forbid,
The action is so horrible,
I durst not keepe it hid
The Officer in all the hast,
Vnto the house repaires,
And his director wills him goe,
Directly vp the staires:
Meane while, himselfe slips cleane away,
The Constable comes in:
And in the Kings name chargeth him,
To cease his hellish sin.
Art thou a raising Deuils heere,
I charge thee to obay me,
Quoth Gull, if I should stirr a foote,
Ten thousand spirits would slay me,
Keepe out my circle, come not neere,
Say you faire warning haue,
Depart before the Deuill come,
Least hell be made thy graue.
I'le raise the ghost of Hercules,
Shall braine thee with his club,
Doest thou not see a smoake appeare?
Why now comes Belzebub.
I coniure thee be gon I say,
Depart by Fee, Fa, Fum,
Now Rago, Crago, is at hand,
Looke where his hornes doe come!
The officer imagining,
He saw some thing arise,
Ran downe the staires halfe mad with feare
And help, clubs, halberds, cries,
So apprehended him presently,
and carries him away,
Vnto a iustice, where the foole
Had not a word to say,
But onely that he ment no harme,
And would a deuill see,
Why quoth the Magistrate, thou shalt,
I'le send thee where they be,
Incarnate Deuils, such as doe
Assume a humane shape:
To newgate with him presently,
For playing Plutoes ape,
Where when he came, he found the knaue
That taught him coniuration
Villaine (quoth he) base rogue & slaue,
Is this your charming fashion?
To cousen me of twenty pounds
And bring me heere to hell?
Kinde Gentlman (quoth he) forbeare,
I'le recompence you well,
Of purpose I haue met you heere,
because you shall see art,
To morrow by a spirits help,
We both from hence will part,
And all things I haue promis'd you,
Shall be performd at full,
So next day got himselfe releas'd,
And there leaues goodman Gull.

A Cuckold.

A citty wanton full of pride and lust,
Of Venus straine and disposition iust,
(That could her husband on the fore-head strike,
And make his brow to swell Acteon like,
Yet he poore seely man, ne're felt it smart,
But tooke al kinde that came from his sweet hart)
Had two choyse friends to sport her selfe withall,
Two cousens, you may cuckold-makers call:
The one a Captaine and a martiall wight,
Was Champion in his Mistris cause to fight.
And for the seruice that he did by day,
She did reward him with a nightly pay.
The other was a Courtier, gallant, braue,
That great content to her sweete person gaue:
Her deere Adonis quick and pleasant witted;
With these, the vertuous Cittizen was fitted.
To them she gaue kinde entertainement still,
Hauing a maid sorted vnto her will,
Which for her seruice she did much applaude,
Being her Mistris crafty cunning baude,
A trusty messenger from each to other,
Who for her paines got mony, and the tother,
They call good turne: which Bettris would not leese
Because her seruice did deserue such fees.
The Courtier one time hauing vnderstood,
By Cuckolds absence, how the time was good,
To goe a grafting, hies him to the place,
Where he might giue loues mistris loues embrace
While he was in his courtly complements:
The maid comes in, and heauy newes presents,
Saying the Captaine was a comming in,
Which to the Courtier euer foe had bin,
For they bare hatred of a iealous spite,
And each had vowd where e're they met, to fight.
Oh loue (quoth she) creepe vnderneath the bed,
This is no fighting place, sweet hide thy hed,
For loue of Christ keepe you vnseene asunder,
Well for this time (quoth he) I will creepe vnder,
Because thy name in question shall not bee,
Else would I die on him for lone of thee.
So vp comes Captaine, and he falls to court,
With speach befitting Mars and Venus sport,
Kinde loue quoth he, now Vulcane is not heere,
I'le clame the rights befitting loue (my deere)
Had I the courtier here loud thee before,
While we were busie, he should keepe the dore,
Or I would make incission in his guts,
And carue his carcasse full of wounds and cuts.
With that, the maide againe comes vp the staires,
Crying deere mistris now begins our cares,
My maister's comming, what shift will you make?
Now hould out wit t'is for our credits sake:
Captaine (quoth she) to rid all doubt and feare,
Vnto my counsaile lend a willing eare,
Put but in practise what I shall deuise,
And on my life no preiudice will rise,
Drawe out your weapon, & goe swearing downe,
Looke terrible I (need not teach you frowne)
And vow you'le be reueng'd some other time,
And then leaue me, to make the reason rime.
I will saies he, so downe the staires he goes,
with rapier drawne, such fearefull looks he showes
The Cuckold trembles to behould the sight,
And vp he comes as he had met some spright,
Ah (wife said he) what creature did I meete?
Hath he done any harme to thee my sweete?
A verier Ruffian I did neuer see,
The sight of him almost distracted me.
My louing husband, as I heere sate sowing,
Thinking no harme or any euill knowing,
A Gentleman comes vp the staires amaine,
Crying, oh helpe me or I shall be slaine,
I of compassion husband (life is deere)
Vnder our bed in pitty hid him heere,
His foe sought for him with his rapier drawne:
While I with teares did wash this peece of Lawne
But when he saw he could not finde him out,
(After he tossed all my things about)
He went downe swaggering euen as you met him,
My sauing the poore man so much did fret him.
A blessed deede (quoth he) it prooues thee wise,
Alas the Gentleman vneasie lies,
Wife call him forth, I hope all danger's past,
Good Bettris looke that all the doores be fast.
Sir you are welcome to my house I vow,
I ioy it is your Sanctuary now,
And count myselfe most happy in the thing,
That such good fortune did you heather bring,
Sir (said the Courtier) hearty thankes I giue,
I will requite your kindnesse if I liue,
But know not how to gratify your wife,
For this great fauour, sauing of my life:
Yet Gentlewoman this assurance take,
Some satisfaction I in part will make,
If not in whole; accept a willing minde,
That vowes to honour all your sex and kinde:
More louing far in heart then men you be,
Extending your affections bounteous, free,
Most affable and pittifull by nature,
The worlds euen supreame all excelling creature,
Fond men vniustly doe abuse your names,
With slandrous speaches and most false defames,
They lye, and raile, and enuies poyson spit,
But those are mad-men that doe offer it,
They that inioy their wit and perfect sence,
wil hate the hart should breed a thoughts offence,
Accounting it a womans greater honor,
To haue a senceles foole exclame vpon her,
Farewell my lifes protector, health attend thee,
With what I haue I euer will befriend thee.

Signieur Worde-monger, the Ape of Eloquence.

As on the way I Itenerated,
A Rurall person I Obuiated,
Interrogating times Transitation,
And of the passage Demonstration,
My apprehension did Ingenious scan,
That he was meerely a Simplitian:
So when I saw he was Extrauagant,
Vnto the obscure vulgar Consonant:
I bad him vanish most Promiscuously,
And not Contaminate my company.

Craft cousens Couetousnes.

A greedy minded gripple Clearke,
Had gathered store of gould,
And studied for a place secure,
His hoorded heape to hould,
At length into an antient toombe,
He put an yron chest,
Cram'd full of coyne, and wrote thereon
These words, Hic Deus est.
A subtill Sexton seeing it,
And greedy of the prey,
Came very secret in the night,
And tooke the gould away,
Then blotting out those latine words,
The Priest had writ thereon,
wrote Resurrexit non est hic.
Your God is risen and gon.

A Cowards colde challenge, that was beaten with a Broom-staffe.

VVhereas of late thou didst prouoke mine ire,
To burne in choler like mount AEtnas fire,
Rowsing my courage forth of valours den,
To fight with monsters, and to combat men,
Know I am for thee, from the cannon-shot
Vnto the smallest bodkin can be got.
Name any weapon what-soe're thou wilt,
May-pole or ship-mast for to run a tilt,
On horse or foot, in armor or in shirt,
Thou shalt finde me true valorous, expert;
Pike-staffe and Pistoll, Musket, two-hand sword,
Or any weapon Europe can afford,
Let Falchion, Polax, Launce, or Halbert try,
With Flemings-kniues either to steake or snye,
Il'e meete thee naked to the very skin,
And stab with penkniues Cæsars wounds therein.
At length, this Gull that seemd of tongue so tall,
Was by his aduersarie met withall:
Whose blowes the champions fury did allay,
And with a sticke, his rapier tooke away.

The Deuils health-drinker.

[Hipocrisie (thou lying knaue) well met]

Hipocrisie (thou lying knaue) well met,
I haue thee Rascall in my paper net,
Thou that wilt sell saluation for a shilling,
And entertaine thine owne damnation willing,
Thou goest about with many a lie and fable,
To get thy diet at anothers table.
Yet louest no man, be he small or great,
Thy loue extends no farther then his meat:
But villaine, take this guerdon for thy hyer,
Be first of all approou'd a common lyer,
Then for each time thy cursed tongue hath tript,
Be thou from great mens houses soundly whipt.
And last of all when God and men detest thee,
A Hempen halter with a nooze molest thee.

A She-Deuill made tame by a Smith.

A smug of Vulcans forging trade,
Besmoak'd with sea-cole-fire,
The rarest man to helpe a horse,
That Carmen could desire,
For any Iade he phisick had,
That euer load did draw:
The appoplexy, falling euill,
The head-ach, crampe or haw,
Poll-euill, canker in the eye,
Or vlcer in the nose:
The lampasse, crest-fall, withers greife,
The nauill-gaule, all those,
With diuerse tedious to rehearse,
Crowne-scab, and quitter-bone,
Strangulion, glanders, yellowes, wormes,
Smug would giue ground to none,
Yet this rare smith to cure one plague,
That vext him was too younge,
(Which made him weary of his life)
It was his wiues curst tongue.
If to the ale-house he had gon,
To take or giue a pot,
Being of a dry complexion,
(For a Smith you know is hot)
His wife was present at his heeles,
And rong him out this peale:
Rogue, Rascall, villaine, theefe, and slaue
(Her almes thus would she deale)
Come home thou drūkard to thy worke,
Each knaue hath thee at beck,
A pox take such a husband,
And the deuill breake his neck.
Thou sittest at the ale-house heere,
While I at home doe spare;
Not caring (so thy guts be full)
How thy poore wife doth fare.
Thy seruants doe euen what they list,
Thy children they may starue,
Hanging's to good for such a rogue,
Farr worse thou doest deserue.
Out filthy beast I loath thy lookes,
And hate thee like a toad:
Drunke e'ry day vngodly wretch,
And when thou hast thy load,
Call for Tobacco, that thou art
As black within as soote?
Before the Lord, wer't not for shame,
I'de stampe thee vnder-foote.
Get thee to worke: out villaine out,
Thou drinkst not one drop more,
I would these whores that trust such knaues,
Might ne're be paid their score.
They neuer knew what sorrow meant,
But griefes to others giue,
A mischeife light on Hostesses,
That doe by drunkards liue.
This was her daily kindest phrase,
From morning vntill night,
That Smug would tremble like a leafe,
When she appear'd in sight.
At length, more wearied with her tongue
Then trauaile tires a Iade,
Vnto himselfe most resolute,
A cruell vow he made.
Which was, when she did scould againe
(Which sure would be next morrow)
To knock her downe most valiantly,
And make an end of sorrow.
This being decreed, his wife next day
Begins a fresh allarme,
With rogue, and theefe: Smug takes a barre
Of yron, breakes her arme.
The neighbours all admire at this,
To heare the patient Smith,
Had broke an arme of his curst wife,
To tame her tongue therewith.
VVell, there's a Surgeon fetcht in hast,
To take the queane in cure;
VVho for the space of many months
Did extreame paine indure,
For of all flesh, a shrowes they say,
Is very hard to heale:
Therefore no wiseman willingly
VVill haue therewith to deale.
But cur'd at length (though long before)
And like to cost her life,
The Smith did aske the Surgeon,
In the hearing of his wife,
What would content him for his paines?
Who of an honest minde,
Did answere thus; I see y'are poore,
Therefore I'le vse you kinde.
I'le take but forty shillings friend,
With that J'le be content:
Why then qd. Smug, hould heer's foure pound,
Which paiment thus is ment:
One arme I pay for hath been broke,
And tother forty, hould
Against I breake the other arme,
The next time she doth scould.
His wife sees this, and sees him pay
Before hand for a cure,
Doth liue most gently, quiet, meeke,
Guiding her tongue so sure,
That Smug became a happy Smith,
Vnto his hearts desire,
And had her euer at command,
In all he could require.

[The knaue of Clubs his part hath plaid]

The knaue of Clubs his part hath plaid,
But now wee want Hart, Diamond, Spade,
To shew themselues like in true shape,
The reason why they doe escape
Is this: of late they fell at iarre
Disperst asunder very farre,
Harts, in the Country at new-cut,
And Spades, in new-gate safe is shut,
And Diamonds, he is gon to seas,
Sick of the scuruy: which disease
If he escape, and get on shore,
We will present you with all foure,
And make them march vnto the presse,
To vtter all their roguishnes,
So till they be together drawne,
Pray keepe the knaue of Clubs in pawne.