 | The Breitmann Ballads |  |
139
II.
4.—HOW BREITMANN AND SMITH WERE REPORTED TO BE LOG-ROLLING.
Id hoppenet in de yar of crace, vhen all dese dings pegan,
Dat Mishder Schmit, de shap who rooned acainsd der Breitemann,
Vas a man who look like Mishder Twine so moosh dat beoples say
Dey pliefe dey moost ge-brudert pe—Gott weiss in vot a vay!
Dat Mishder Schmit, de shap who rooned acainsd der Breitemann,
Vas a man who look like Mishder Twine so moosh dat beoples say
Dey pliefe dey moost ge-brudert pe—Gott weiss in vot a vay!
Und id vas also moosh be-marked—vhitch look shoost like a bruder—
Dat vhen Twine vas vork on any side der Schmit vas on der oder:
A fery gommon dodge ish dis mit de arisdocracie;
So dat votefer cardt doorns op, id's game for de familie!
Dat vhen Twine vas vork on any side der Schmit vas on der oder:
A fery gommon dodge ish dis mit de arisdocracie;
So dat votefer cardt doorns op, id's game for de familie!
Nun, goot! Howefer dis might pe, 'tvas cerdain on dis hit
Der Twine vas do his tyfelest to euchre Mishder Schmit;
Und Schmit, I criefe to say, exglaimed: “Gaul darn me for a fool,
But I'll smash old Dutch to cholera fits and rake the eternal pool!”
Der Twine vas do his tyfelest to euchre Mishder Schmit;
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But I'll smash old Dutch to cholera fits and rake the eternal pool!”
So dey cot some liddle ledders, ash brifate ash could pe,
Vhitch Breitmann writed long agone to friendts in Germany;
Und dey brinted dem in efery vay to make de beoples laugh,
Und comment on dem in de shtyle dat “sports” call “slasher-gaff.”
Vhitch Breitmann writed long agone to friendts in Germany;
Und dey brinted dem in efery vay to make de beoples laugh,
Und comment on dem in de shtyle dat “sports” call “slasher-gaff.”
Dere-to—as vash known py shoodshment und glearly ascertained,
Dat Breitmann hafe lossed money py a valse und schwindlin' friendt—
So dey roon it droo de newsbapers, und shbeech to make pegan,
Dat Breitmann shtole de gelt himself und rop de oder man.
Dat Breitmann hafe lossed money py a valse und schwindlin' friendt—
So dey roon it droo de newsbapers, und shbeech to make pegan,
Dat Breitmann shtole de gelt himself und rop de oder man.
Boot de ding that jam de hardest on de men dat bull de vires,
Und showed that Copitain Breitmann shtood pedween dwo heafy vires,
Vas, pecause he vas a soldier—von could see id at a clanse—
Dey had pud him in a tisdrigt vhere he hadn't half a shanse.
Und showed that Copitain Breitmann shtood pedween dwo heafy vires,
Vas, pecause he vas a soldier—von could see id at a clanse—
Dey had pud him in a tisdrigt vhere he hadn't half a shanse.
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For ash de pold solidaten ish more prafe ash oder mans,
Dey moost lead de hope verloren und pattle in de vans;
Und ash defeat ish honoraple to men in honor shtrict,
Dey honor dem py puttin' em vhere dey're cerdain to be licked.
Dey moost lead de hope verloren und pattle in de vans;
Und ash defeat ish honoraple to men in honor shtrict,
Dey honor dem py puttin' em vhere dey're cerdain to be licked.
Boot dis dimes it shlopped over. 'Tvas de dird or secondt heat,
Dat a soldier in dis tisdrigt had been poot oop und beat;
So de Plue Goats dink it over und go quietly to vork:
De bow vhen too moosh aufgespannt vlies packward mit a yerk.
Dat a soldier in dis tisdrigt had been poot oop und beat;
So de Plue Goats dink it over und go quietly to vork:
De bow vhen too moosh aufgespannt vlies packward mit a yerk.
Now Mishder Twine deglaret dat de ding seemed doubtenful,
Boot mitout delay he dook de horns so poldly py de bull,
Und shpread de shdory eferyvhere, dill folk to pliefe pecan,
Dat Mishder Schmit had sold de vight unto der Breitemann!
Boot mitout delay he dook de horns so poldly py de bull,
Und shpread de shdory eferyvhere, dill folk to pliefe pecan,
Dat Mishder Schmit had sold de vight unto der Breitemann!
He fix de liddle tedails—how moosh der Schmit hafe got
For sellin' out his barty to let Breitmann haul de pot;
Und he showed a brifate ledder from Breitemann to Schmit,
Vhere he bromise him for Congress if he shoost let oop a bit.
For sellin' out his barty to let Breitmann haul de pot;
Und he showed a brifate ledder from Breitemann to Schmit,
Vhere he bromise him for Congress if he shoost let oop a bit.
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Der Twine vas writet dis ledder; for der Copitain Breitemann
Vould nefer hafe shtood soosh hoompoogks since virst his life pegan:
He hat tone some rough dings in de war, in de ploonder-und-morder line,
Boot vas hoockleperry-persimmoned mit dese boledics of Twine.
Vould nefer hafe shtood soosh hoompoogks since virst his life pegan:
He hat tone some rough dings in de war, in de ploonder-und-morder line,
Boot vas hoockleperry-persimmoned mit dese boledics of Twine.
Howefer, dis ledder vorket foorst-rate—mit de Mericans pest of all,
For dey mostly dinked it de naturalest ding as efer couldt pefall;
For to sheat von's own gonstituents ish de pest mofe in de came,
Und dey nefer sooposed a Dootchman hafe de sense to do de same.
For dey mostly dinked it de naturalest ding as efer couldt pefall;
For to sheat von's own gonstituents ish de pest mofe in de came,
Und dey nefer sooposed a Dootchman hafe de sense to do de same.
5.—HOW THEY HELD THE MASS MEETING.
Dere's nodings in dis vorldt so pad, ash all oov us may learn,
Boot may shange from dark to lighthood, if loock should dake a doorn;
So it hoppenet mit Breitmann, who in spite of sin und Schmit,
Gontrifed ad shoost dis yooncture do make a glucky hit.
Boot may shange from dark to lighthood, if loock should dake a doorn;
So it hoppenet mit Breitmann, who in spite of sin und Schmit,
Gontrifed ad shoost dis yooncture do make a glucky hit.
Dey hat sendet out some plackarts to de Deutsche burgers all
(N. B.—Dish ish not mean blackguards, boot de pills dey shtick on de vall),
To say dat a Massenversammlung—or a meeding of all dem asses—
Vouldt be held in de Arbeiter-Halle, to consisd of de Sharman classes.
(N. B.—Dish ish not mean blackguards, boot de pills dey shtick on de vall),
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Vouldt be held in de Arbeiter-Halle, to consisd of de Sharman classes.
Now dey gife de brinting of de pills to a new gekommene man,
Who dinked dat Demokratisch vas de same ash Repooblican:
Gott im Himmel weiss vhere he'd hid himself on dis free Coloompian shore
Dat he scaped de naturalizationisds, und hadn't found out pefore.
Who dinked dat Demokratisch vas de same ash Repooblican:
Gott im Himmel weiss vhere he'd hid himself on dis free Coloompian shore
Dat he scaped de naturalizationisds, und hadn't found out pefore.
Boot to dis Deutsche brinter, de only tifference he
Petween Repooplicanish and Demokratisch tid see,
Vas dat von vash dwo ledders longer; so he dook shoost vot seem pat
To make de poster handsome—likewise a liddle fat.
Petween Repooplicanish and Demokratisch tid see,
Vas dat von vash dwo ledders longer; so he dook shoost vot seem pat
To make de poster handsome—likewise a liddle fat.
How ofden in dis buzzlin' life shmall grubs grows oop to vings!
How often shoost from moostard seet a virst-glass pusiness shprings!
Van't klein komt men tot't groote, ash de Hollanders hafe said:
Mit dese dwo ledders Breitemann caved in der Schmitsy's head.
How often shoost from moostard seet a virst-glass pusiness shprings!
Van't klein komt men tot't groote, ash de Hollanders hafe said:
Mit dese dwo ledders Breitemann caved in der Schmitsy's head.
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6.—BREITMANN'S GREAT SPEECH.
Dis tale dat Schmit hafe sell de vight cot so mooch put apout,
Dat many of his beoples vere in fery tupious toubt;
'Pove all, dose who were on de make, and easy change deir lodge,
Und, pein awfool smart demselfs, pelieve in efery dodge.
Dat many of his beoples vere in fery tupious toubt;
'Pove all, dose who were on de make, and easy change deir lodge,
Und, pein awfool smart demselfs, pelieve in efery dodge.
Vhen de meeding vas gesempled, und dey found no Schmit vas dere,
Dey looket at von anoder mit a ganz erstaunished air;
But dey saw it glear as taylighd, und around a vink dere ran,
Vhen pefore dem rose de shiant form of Copitain Breitemann!
Dey looket at von anoder mit a ganz erstaunished air;
But dey saw it glear as taylighd, und around a vink dere ran,
Vhen pefore dem rose de shiant form of Copitain Breitemann!
Denn Breitemann vent los at dem: “He could nichts vell exbress
De rapdure dat besqueezed his hearts—de wonnevel hoppiness—
To meed in friendtlich council and glasp de hand of dose,
Who had peen mit most oonreason und unkindtly galled his foes.
De rapdure dat besqueezed his hearts—de wonnevel hoppiness—
To meed in friendtlich council and glasp de hand of dose,
Who had peen mit most oonreason und unkindtly galled his foes.
“Berhaps o'er all dis shmilin' eart'—he vould say it dere und denn—
Soosh shpecdagles couldt nod pe seen of soosh imbardial men,
So tefoid of base sospicion, so apofe all betty dricks,
Ash to gome und lisden vairly to a voe in poledicks;
Soosh shpecdagles couldt nod pe seen of soosh imbardial men,
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Ash to gome und lisden vairly to a voe in poledicks;
“Dat ish to say, a so-galled voe—for he feeled id in his soul
Dat de brinciples vitch mofed dem vere de same oopon de whole;
But he lack a vord to exbress dem in manners opportunes”—
Here a veller in de gallery gry oud, oonkindly, “Shpoons!”
Dat de brinciples vitch mofed dem vere de same oopon de whole;
But he lack a vord to exbress dem in manners opportunes”—
Here a veller in de gallery gry oud, oonkindly, “Shpoons!”
Und dere der Breitmann goppled him: “If shpoons our modifes pe,
Dere's nod a man pefore oos who lossed a shpoon by me:
Far rader had I gife you all a shpoons to eaten mit,
Und I hope to ged a ladle for mein friendt, der Mishder Schmit.”
Dere's nod a man pefore oos who lossed a shpoon by me:
Far rader had I gife you all a shpoons to eaten mit,
Und I hope to ged a ladle for mein friendt, der Mishder Schmit.”
Dis fetch das Haus like doonder—it raise der tyfel's dust,
Und for sefen-lefen minudes dey ooplouded on a bust;
Und de chaps dat dinked of hedgin' saw a ring as round as O;
So dey boked each oder in de rips und said, “I dold you so!”
Und for sefen-lefen minudes dey ooplouded on a bust;
Und de chaps dat dinked of hedgin' saw a ring as round as O;
So dey boked each oder in de rips und said, “I dold you so!”
For dis d'lusion to de ladle vas as glear ash city milk,
Und drawd it on de beoples so vine ash flossen silk,
Dat Hans und Schmit vere rollin' locks, und de locks vere ready cut;
Only Breitmann hafe de liddle end, und Schmitsy dake de butt!
Und drawd it on de beoples so vine ash flossen silk,
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Only Breitmann hafe de liddle end, und Schmitsy dake de butt!
Denn Breitmann he crack onward: “If any 'lightened man
Vill seeken in his Bibel, he'll find dat a publican
Is a barty ash sells lager; und de ding is fery blain,
Dat a re-publican ish von who sells id 'gain und 'gain.
Vill seeken in his Bibel, he'll find dat a publican
Is a barty ash sells lager; und de ding is fery blain,
Dat a re-publican ish von who sells id 'gain und 'gain.
“Now since dat I sells lager, I gant agreën mit
De demprance brinciples I hear dishtriputet to Schmit;
Boot dis I dells you vairly, und no one to teseife—
If I were Schmit, I'd pliefen shoost vot der Schmit peliefe.
De demprance brinciples I hear dishtriputet to Schmit;
Boot dis I dells you vairly, und no one to teseife—
If I were Schmit, I'd pliefen shoost vot der Schmit peliefe.
“And to mine Sharman liperal friendts I might mention in dis shpot,
Dat I hear an oonfoundet rumor dat der Schmit peliefe in Gott;
Und also dat he coes to shoorsh—mit a brayer-book—for salfadion:
I vould not for die welt say dings to hoort his repudadion.
Dat I hear an oonfoundet rumor dat der Schmit peliefe in Gott;
Und also dat he coes to shoorsh—mit a brayer-book—for salfadion:
I vould not for die welt say dings to hoort his repudadion.
“Und noding is more likely dat it all a shlander pe,
So also de rumor dat vhen young he shtoody divinidy:
I myself, ash a publican, moost pe a sinner py fate,
Und in dis sense I denounce mineself ash Republican-didate!
So also de rumor dat vhen young he shtoody divinidy:
I myself, ash a publican, moost pe a sinner py fate,
Und in dis sense I denounce mineself ash Republican-didate!
“Ash Deutschers say—und Yankees doo—vhen der wein ish in der man,
So ish oopon de oder part, de wise-hood in de can,
Vhitch brofes dat wein und wise-hood ish all de same, py shinks!
Und de only real can-didate ish der veller ash coes for trinks:
So ish oopon de oder part, de wise-hood in de can,
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Und de only real can-didate ish der veller ash coes for trinks:
“Und dat ve may meed in gommon, I deglare here in dis hall—
Und I shvears mineself to holt to it, votefer may pefall—
Dat any man who gifes me his fote—votefer his boledics pe—
Shall alfays pe regartet ash bolidigal friendt py me.”
Und I shvears mineself to holt to it, votefer may pefall—
Dat any man who gifes me his fote—votefer his boledics pe—
Shall alfays pe regartet ash bolidigal friendt py me.”
(Dis voonderfol condescension pring down drementous applause,
Und dose who catch de nodion gife most derriple hooraws;
Eshbecially some Amerigans ash vas shtandin' near de door,
Und who in all deir leben long nefer heard so moosh sense pefore.)
Und dose who catch de nodion gife most derriple hooraws;
Eshbecially some Amerigans ash vas shtandin' near de door,
Und who in all deir leben long nefer heard so moosh sense pefore.)
“Dese ish de brinciples I holts, and dose in vitch I run:
Dey ish fixed firm und immutaple ash de course of de 'ternal sun:
Boot if you ton't approve of dem—blease nodice vot I say—
I shall only pe too happy to alder dem right afay.
Dey ish fixed firm und immutaple ash de course of de 'ternal sun:
Boot if you ton't approve of dem—blease nodice vot I say—
I shall only pe too happy to alder dem right afay.
“Und undo my Demogratic friendts I vould fery glearly shtate—
Since dis useless mit oop-geclearéd minds to hold a long depate—
Dat dere's no man in de cidy who sells besser liquor ash I,
Und I shtand de treadts free-gradis vhenefer mine friendts ish try.
Since dis useless mit oop-geclearéd minds to hold a long depate—
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Und I shtand de treadts free-gradis vhenefer mine friendts ish try.
“Ad finem—in de ende—I moost mendion do you all,
Dat a dootzen parrels of lager bier ish a-gomin' to dis hall:
Dere ish none of mine own barty here, bot we'll do mitout deir helfs;
Und I kess, on de whole, 'twill pe shoost so goot if ve trink it all ourselfs.”
Dat a dootzen parrels of lager bier ish a-gomin' to dis hall:
Dere ish none of mine own barty here, bot we'll do mitout deir helfs;
Und I kess, on de whole, 'twill pe shoost so goot if ve trink it all ourselfs.”
Soosh drementous up-loudation pefore was nefer seen,
Ash dey svored dat der Copitain Breitmann vas a brickpat, und no sardine;
Und dey trinked demselfs besoffen, sayin', “Hobe you wird sookceed!”—
De nexter theil will pe de ent of dis historisch lied.
Ash dey svored dat der Copitain Breitmann vas a brickpat, und no sardine;
Und dey trinked demselfs besoffen, sayin', “Hobe you wird sookceed!”—
De nexter theil will pe de ent of dis historisch lied.
“No more interlect than a half-grown shad,” is a phrase which occurs, if the author remembers aright, in the Charcoal Sketches, by J. C. Neal. The Western people have carried this idea a step further, and applied it to sardines, as “small fishes,” all of an average size, packed closely together in tin cans and excluded from the light of day. A man who has never travelled, and has during all his life been packed tightly among those who were his equals in ignorance and inexperience, is therefore a “sardine.”
| The Breitmann Ballads | |