The Poems of St. George Tucker of Williamsburg, Virginia 1752-1827

So please your Worships, Honors, Lordships, Graces!
I Jonathan, to Peter Pindar cousin,
Hearing that you possess a mint of places
Have come to ask for less than half a dozen.

I ask not that to serve me you should quit
Your lofty stations or turn out your friends:
No—I've more conscience! and at once admit
Your duty's to consult on means and ends.

Those ends once answered—and the means obtained,
To Jonathan's petition lend an ear:
Nor think his young ambition overstrained,
Head of Department, should his claim appear.

Heads of Departments, we have seen, can jump
At once into the mysteries of their art:
Not Richmond's Duke excels great K-x the plump,
Not Law to H---n could teach his part.

I ask not dollars; though in truth a few
Would jingle sweetly in a poet's purse:
And since t'encourage arts belongs to you,
A pension would not make the thing the worse.

I ask not such a patronage as brings
To brother heads an influence far and wide;
Commissions, loans, douceurs, jobs, pretty things,
Bank votes, directorships, and offices beside.

Let others, patrons—Me, your client be:
I have abundant zeal, and long to show it;
To celebrate your praises make me free
And dub me here, at once, your laureate Poet.

I'll puff you to the clouds! and, by the pigs,
Whilst there is brightest arch the rainbow spreads,
Comets shall lend their tails to make you wigs.
And powdered sunbeams glitter on your heads.

I'll swear to all the world—you never dipped
In speculators' kennel your pure hands;
That not a soul of you e'er dealt in script:
To prove my words your broker ready stands.

I'll say—that bank directors though you are,
No private interest ever sways your vote:
That you are chose, just to see all fair,
And, who shall win or lose, care not a groat.

I'll swear—that nation's debt's a blessing vast
Which far and wide its genial influence sheds,
From whence Pactolian showers descends so fast
On theirs—id est—the speculators' heads.

That to increase this blessing and entail
To future times its influence benign,
New loans from foreign nations cannot fail,
Whilst standing armies clinch the grand design.

That taxes are not burthens to the rich;
That—they alone to labor drive the Poor;
The lazy rogues would neither plough, nor ditch
Unless to keep the sheriff from the door.

I'll swear—your honors are not like the boy,
Who killed his goose which golden eggs did lay;
Your goose you've no intention to destroy;
Content to squeeze out half a dozen a day.

I'll swear—in treaties you never had a thought
To give up gratis all right of preemption:
Or that you had an agent on the spot,
To purchase for yourselves, I will not mention.

I'll say—that you're well read, and well expound,
Much better than Vattel! the Law of Nations:
That no newfangled doctrines have you found
To fritter states away to corporations.

I'll swear—they owe their charters to your grant,
And if beyond their proper bounds you catch 'em,
The means to bring them back you will not want,
But instant, with a quo warranto match 'em.

These things and many more—you'll not disown,
Prove I can flatter in a proper way;
Suppose me now a speculator grown,
Hear what to little Atlas I could say.

June 1, 1793

University of Virginia Library

Ode I

To All the Great Folks in a Lump

The humble petition of Jonathan; containing after the manner of other candidates for honors and offices, many fair promises, which peradventure may never be fulfilled.