Idle Moments : :: :: University of Virginia Library

You may talk about your gallery gods,
And think you make a hit;
But there's nothing so mean on earth,
As the fellow this will fit.
His sympathies are with you,
His hands, his feet, his all,
You will always recognize him
By his aggravating squawl.
If you ever make a hit,
You will know it not a bit
By the awful clap and stamping
Of the fellow this will fit.

If your voice is weak and “sinful”
“Talk louder” he will cry;
If your ways are captivating,
He will hollow “you're to fly,”
He must join in the singing,
And will fill your soul with awe.
For generally his voice will sound
Just like a cross-cut saw:
But yet you must stand it,
Though it worries you a bit,
He must get in his ten cents' worth,
The fellow this will fit.

His nose is very “leaky,”
And he wipes it with his sleeve,
Or with a dirty handkerchief,
And would have you believe
That in a summer long ago-
In the good old days of old,
By accident he took a bath,
Likewise a dreadful cold
You can not make it “git”
Though you storm after it
For he's the boss dog of the show,
The fellow this will fit.

You may desire to listen,
To the music sweet and low,
Or to the voice of eloquence,
That softly, sweetly flow,
But that gallery chap is giggling,
Eating peanuts, or he snores,
To wake up at the wrong time,
Clapping louder than before.
I know you don't think it,
You won't believe a bit,
But really he has been to school
That fellow this will fit.

But 'tis at the big church concert,
That he worries people down,
When he gets up in the gallery,
When policemen are not around,
And hollows at the singers,
And disturbs the decent folk,
By his most outrageous conduct
That should shame a drunken blote,

They say we can't stop it,
But I can't believe a bit,
For I believe the law should stop
That fellow this will fit.

His pantaloons are seedy,
With great big eyes behind,
His coat is slick and greasy,
To decency he's blind,
But some are starched and dudy,
But clothes don't make a man,
'Twill take brains to be decent,
They do the best they can:
I know you will do it,
And 'twill help us quite a bit,
To “chip in” and buy mule brains,
For the fellow this will fit.