The mineral springs of western Virginia with remarks on their use, and the diseases to which they are applicable |
| I. |
| II. |
| III. |
| IV. |
| V. |
| VI. |
 | VII. |
| VIII. |
| IX. |
| X. |
SCENE—THE PAVILION. |
| XI. |
| XII. |
| XIII. |
| XIV. |
| XV. |
| XVI. |
| XVII. |
| XVIII. |
| XIX. |
| XX. |
| XXI. |
 | CHAPTER X. The mineral springs of western Virginia |  |
SCENE—THE PAVILION.
Dr. Moorman seated with copies of his pamphlet
in his hand—enter two visiters.
1st Visiter.Good morning to you, Sir! We
are just arrived, and will thank you to inform
us where we may find the resident physician,
Dr. Moorman.
Dr. M. (rising and bowing).
I am your humble
servant, gentlemen, and the person whom
you seek.
1st Vis.
We have fallen in with you very
apropos, sir, and desire to consult you on the
explain.
Dr. M. (aside).
I saw them coming, and
judged curiosity would quickly bring them
hither. (aloud) Well, gentlemen, I shall be
most happy to hear your cases, and to counsel
you on a matter of so much importance as the
use of the waters.
1st Vis.
My case, Sir, is supposed by my
physician to be irritability of the nervous
tissue of the stomach and intestines, and my
instructions are to visit the Red Sulphur, and
then use the Sweet Spring Bath.
Dr. M.
It is altogether unnecessary for you
to visit that dismal place, where the solar rays
do not penetrate, until that luminary reaches
its meridian. I have learned to make this
water exactly similar to the Red Sulphur, and
equally efficacious. I have discovered, gentlemen,
that the sulphuretted hydrogen is "an
active nervine stimulant;" I divest it of this
stimulant and its saline matter by boiling,
while I am procuring material for my celebrated
White Sulphur pills, and then, on cooling,
I add to a gallon of distilled water half a pint
of water from the fountain, just, you know, to
water.
1st Vis.
Well, but what substitute do you
propose for the Sweet Springs?
Dr. M.
My dear Sir, nothing in the world
easier! just let this water stand in an open
vessel 24 hours and add a little lemon juice!
2d Vis.
Mine, Sir, is a case of habitual constipation,
and my physician directs I shall use
the waters of the Salt Sulphur.
Dr. M.
My dear Sir! is it possible your medical
adviser did not know, that my concentrated
White Sulphur pills had superseded the
use of the Salt Sulphur? No, no, Sir, remain
where you are; let the sulphur water stand in
your pitcher 12 hours, (for you are aware that
taking it with the gas would be like taking
"a purgative potion administered in wine,
toddy, or any other diffusible stimulant,") and
drink a dozen glasses in the 24 hours, taking,
morning and evening, four of my concentrated
pills.
2d Vis.
Well! but, Dr., a very distinguished
physician of Philadelphia declares he has detected
corrosive sublimate in your pills, and
Sulphur residuum is—
Dr. M.
Is what, Sir?
2d Vis.
Why, a humbug!
Dr. M.
(aside). The deuce! so I am found
out, am I? (aloud) The fact is, gentlemen,
ahem!—(aside) alas for my modesty! ahem!
—the fact is, the gentleman, whoever he may
be, envies the high reputation I have acquired
by my White Sulphur pills. Mine, gentlemen,
is a character above suspicion, and if you investigate
my whole course, through life, you
will find it to be characterized by disinterestedness
and a contempt of PELF.
2d Vis.
That may be all true, Sir; but, Dr.,
look me straight in the face now, and answer,
upon honour, have you never put that innocent
ingredient above mentioned into your pills?
(The Dr. hangs down his head.) Come, Dr., I
ask you again to look me straight in the face,
and answer my interrogatory.
Dr. M.
Any fool may ask questions, but it
takes a wise man to answer them.
1st Vis.
It appears, Dr., that it takes a
wiser man, not to answer them.
2d Vis.
I hold in my hand a work entitled
in which the writer attacks your theory, that
sulphuretted hydrogen is an "active nervine
stimulant," and asserts that your attempt to
substitute decomposed sulphur water for the
genuine article is a gross imposition.
Dr. M.
And I hold in my hand, Sir, a complete
refutation of all the positions of the author
of that flimsy production. I have demolished
that Burke, Sir. Have you never
seen my reply, gentlemen? Allow me to present
you each a copy. (Hands the pamphlets.)
There, gentlemen, there you will find "multum
in parvo."
1st Vis.
Dr.! what does that mean? my
old schoolmaster used to translate it, by transposition,
a big head and little wit; perhaps,
however, this is great wit in a little book.
But, Dr., if this water be better in Boston than
here, why do we leave the comforts of home
and incur the labour and expense of so long a
journey? Mind now, Sir, like all Yankees, I
am a utilitarian—I go for the common sense
of the thing.
Dr. M.
In truth, gentlemen, the water is
better, as I have abundantly proved, by the
advantages to be derived from rusticating, during
the summer months, in this charming retreat;
and moreover, if I may not violate modesty
in saying so, it is not the least of those
advantages that you may have the benefit of
your very humble servant's experience and
counsel.
2d Vis.
We appreciate your genius, Sir, as
much as we respect your modesty. Both are,
beyond question, sui generis. We acknowledge
your profundity, admire your disinterestedness,
and venerate your candour and fairdealing;
but gold may be bought too dearly,
and to use a vulgar expression, it is "paying
too dear for the whistle" to come from Boston
for Dr. Moorman's advice, pills, and stale water;
so good morning, Sir.
Dr. M.
Oh! But stop, gentlemen, I charge
for advice—ten dollars.
2d Vis.
The deuce! you do: well, and what
advice have you given us?
Dr. M.
Why, gentlemen, I have advised
you to take my pills and drink stale water,
and I have, moreover, instructed you how to
Spring water.
1st Vis.
Oh! but, Dr., if we drink your stale
water, we shall have evolutions of gas in
the stomach.
Dr. M.
My dear Sir, it is the most comfortable
thing imaginable—only think, I have experienced
its operations and effects for years,
and I aver it is delightful!
2d Vis.
Dr.! I am afraid you are playing
the part of the fox in the fable; and after all,
that gas in the stomach is any thing but comfortable.
Dr. M.
Such has been the opinion; but,
Sir, I claim the merit of first having made
this discovery in medical science.
1st Vis.
Well, well, Dr., there is no disputing
about tastes. Upon the whole, however,
we must study a little, before we take your
advice. Pray, Sir, what did you say your
fee was?
Dr. M.
Only ten dollars, gentlemen, and I
give you, each, my pamphlet gratis. The
pills will only cost you 50 cents a box. And
I shall be most happy to get your orders for a
few bbls. of water; I assure you it will be better
gas.
1st Vis.
My good Dr.! I perceive your theory
is, that a part is equal to the whole; now,
it exactly suits our own views on this occasion.
I have a ten dollar note of the Pigeon Roost
Bank; the discount is only fifty per cent.:
call that the gas, and persuade yourself it is
better than Virginia money.
Dr. M.
There is no analogy whatever between
the two cases: I go for current, good
money, Sir; no rotten Banks!
1st Vis.
We think there is a palpable analogy,
and wonder you don't understand Logic
better.
Dr. M.
Oh! that is Burke's Logic; you
cannot mean, Sir, to palm this note upon me
for good currency.
2d Vis.
Yes, but indeed we do: I guess
half a loaf is better than no bread; Eh! so
good morning! [Exeunt Visiters.
Dr. M.
(solus, reads): "The President and
Directors of the Pigeon-Roost Bank, Georgia,[2]
promise to pay"—faugh! it smells of guano!
of wooden nutmegs! Pigeon-Roost!
indeed! Ha! Ha! Ha! One of the impudent
fellows, too, asked me to look him straight
in the face. I see Burke's finger in all this.
[Enter B.
B."What, are you hurt, lieutenant?
M.
"Ay, past all surgery.
B.
"Marry, heaven forbid!
M.
"Reputation—reputation—reputation!
Oh! I have lost my reputation! I have lost
the immortal part, Sir, of myself, and what remains
is bestial. My reputation, my reputation—
B.
"Reputation is an idle and most false
composition; oft got without merit."
We now turn from Dr. M. to a more agreeable
and interesting subject, the virtues and
properties of the White Sulphur Waters, and
we do so with the greater pleasure, because we
desire to assure our readers that, whatever has
been said regarding the course of that individual,
we have never, in the most remote degree,
disparaged those valuable waters. So far
from it, we have always acknowledged their
pre-eminent virtues and the capacity of extension
all the other Mineral Springs in Virginia.
There is not at present known, on the broad
surface of the United States, any Sulphur water
which, in our estimation, ranks with the
White Sulphur. It possesses a happy combination
of properties, and is peculiarly adapted
to the sequelæ of those diseases which prevail
in Southern latitudes. Public opinion, which
in the end seldom judges wrong, has stamped
its value, and he is its worst enemy, who
would deprive it of a single ingredient for the
purpose of impudently palming it, in an altered
state, as a panacea, for all diseases.
These waters are the true remedy, or they
are not. If they be, let them be applied; if
not, no man, with either a feeling of humanity
in his bosom, or proper professional pride,
or a sense of justice to the agent itself, would,
under false pretences, persevere in administering
them.
We have learned with no ordinary pleasure,
that the late season was profitable. The company
is said to have been the largest since
1839, and afforded a better average. The establishment
continues under the control of
the last season was Mr. Edwin Porter, so
well known as stage contractor. In an establishment
so large and unwieldy, there will,
and must be abuses; but it has been universally
acknowledged that the comforts of the
place were greatly enhanced during the last
season. We learn that the Springs, with the
great landed estate attached to them, are offered
for sale at three hundred and fifty
thousand dollars, and it is stated that some
years ago, the proprietors refused half a million
for them. They are well worthy the attention
of capitalists.
| CHAPTER X. The mineral springs of western Virginia | |