 | The fiend's delight |  |
5. MUSINGS, PHILOSOPHICAL
AND THEOLOGICAL.
.... Seated in his den, in the chill
gloom of a winter twilight, comforting his stomach
with hoarded bits of cheese and broad biscuits,
Mr. Grile thinketh unto himself after this fashion
of thought:
1. I.
To eat biscuits and cheese before dining is to
confess that you do not expect to dine.
2. II.
“Once bit, twice shy,” is a homely saying, but
singularly true. A man who has been swindled
will be very cautious the second time, and the
third. The fourth time he may be swindled again
more easily and completely than before.
3. III.
A four-footed beast walks by lifting one foot at
a time, but a four-horse team does not walk by
lifting one horse at a time. And yet you cannot
readily explain why this is so.
4. IV.
If a jackass were to describe the Deity he would
represent Him with long ears and a tail. Man's
ideal is the higher and truer one; he pictures Him
as somewhat resembling a man.
5. V.
The bald head of a man is a very common
spectacle. You have never seen the bald head of a
woman.
6. VI.
Baldheaded women are a very common spectacle.
7. VII.
Piety, like small-pox, comes by infection.
Robinson Crusoe, however, caught it alone on his
island. It is probable that he had it in his blood.
8. VIII.
The doctrine of foreknowledge does not imply
the truth of foreordination. Foreordination is a
cause antedating an event. Foreknowledge is an
effect, not of something that is going to occur,
which would be absurd, but the effect of its being
going to occur.
9. IX.
Those who cherish the opposite opinion may be
very good citizens.
10. X.
Old shoes are easiest, because they have accommodated
themselves to the feet. Old friends are
least intolerable because they have adapted themselves
to the inferior parts of our character.
11. XI.
Between old friends and old shoes there are
other points of resemblance.
12. XII.
Everybody professes to know that it would be
difficult to find a needle in a haystack, but very
few reflect that this is because haystacks seldom
contain needles.
13. XIII.
A man with but one leg is a better man than a
man with two legs, for the reason that there is less
of him.
14. XIV.
A man without any legs is better than a man
with one leg; not because there is less of him, but
because he cannot get about to enact so much
wickedness.
15. XV.
When an ostrich is pursued he conceals his head
in a bush; when a man is pursued he conceals his
property. By instinct each knows his enemy's
design.
16. XVI.
There are two things that should be avoided;
the deadly upas tree and soda water. The latter
will make you puffy and poddy.
17. XVII.
This list of things to be avoided is necessarily
incomplete.
18. XVIII.
In calling a man a hog, it is the man who gets
angry, but it is the hog who is insulted. Men are
always taking up the quarrels of others.
19. XIX.
Give an American a newspaper and a pie and he
will make himself comfortable anywhere.
20. XX.
The world of mind will be divided upon the
question of baptism so long as there are two simple
and effective methods of baptising, and they are
equally disagreeable.
21. XXI.
They are not equally disagreeable, but each is
disagreeable enough to attract disciples.
22. XXII.
The face of a pig is a more handsome face than
the face of a man—in the pig's opinion.
23. XXIII.
A pig's opinion upon this question is as likely to
be correct as is a man's opinion.
24. XXIV.
It is better not to take a wife than to take one
belonging to some other man: for if she has been
a good wife to him she has adapted her nature to
his, and will therefore be unsuited to yours. If
she has not been a good wife to him she will not
be to you.
25. XXV.
The most gifted people are not always the most
favoured: a man with twelve legs can derive no
benefit from ten of them without crawling like a
centipede.
26. XXVI.
A woman and a cow are the two most beautiful
creatures in the world. For proof of the beauty of
of the beauty of a woman, an ox is referred to the
reader.
27. XXVII.
There is reason to believe that a baby is less
comely than a calf, for the reason that all kine
esteem the calf the more comely beast, and there
is one man who does not esteem the baby the
more comely beast.
28. XXVIII.
To judge of the wisdom of an act by its result is
a very shallow plan. An action is wise or unwise
the moment it is decided upon.
29. XXIX.
If the wisdom of an action may not be determined
by the result, it is very difficult to determine it.
30. XXX.
It is impossible.
31. XXXI.
The moon always presents the same side to the
earth because she is heaviest on that side. The
opposite side, however, is more private and
secluded.
32. XXXII.
Camels and Christians receive their burdens
kneeling.
33. XXXIII.
It was never intended that men should be saints
in heaven until they are dead and good for nothing
else. On earth they are mostly
34. XXXIV.
Fools.
I, Grile, have arranged these primal
truths in the order of their importance, in the hope
that some patient investigator may amplify and
codify them into a coherent body of doctrine, and so
establish a new religion. I would do it myself were
it not that a very corpulent and most unexpected
pudding is claiming my present attention.
O, steaming enigma! O, savoury mountain of
hidden mysteries! too long neglected for too long
a sermon. Engaging problem, let me reveal the
secrets latent in thy breast, and unfold thine occult
philosophy! [Cutting into the pudding.] Ah!
here, and here alone is—[Eating it].
| The fiend's delight | |