PAGANS.
.... Yo Hop is dead! He was last
seen alive about three o'clock yesterday morning
by a white labourer who was returning home
after an elongated orgie at a Barbary Coast inn,
and at the time seemed to be in undisputed possession
of all his faculties; the remainder of his
personal property having been transferred to the
white labourer aforesaid. At the moment alluded
to, Mr. Hop was in the act of throwing up his
arms, as if to ward off some impending danger in
the hands of the sole spectator. An instant later
he experienced one of those sudden deaths which
have made this city popularly famous and surgically
interesting.
The lamented was forty years of age; how
much longer he might have lived, in his own
country, it is impossible to determine; but it
is to be remarked that the climate of California
is a very trying one to people of his peculiar
organization. The body was kindly taken in
charge by a resident of the vicinity, and now
lies in state in his back yard, where it is being
carefully prepared for burial by those skilful meat-hounds,
Messrs. Lassirator, Mangler, and Chure,
whose names are a sufficient guarantee that the
mournful rites will be attended to in a manner
befitting the solemn occasion.
We tender the bereaved widow our sincere
sympathy at the regular rates. The cause of Mr.
Hop's demise is unknown. It is unimportant.
.... A dead Asian was recently
found in a ditch in Nevada county. His head, like
that of a toad, had a precious jewel imbedded in it,
about the size of an ordinary watermelon, and a
clear majority of his fingers, toes, and features had
received Christian burial in the stomachs of several
contiguous hogs with roving commissions. As he
seemed unwilling to state who he was, or how he
got his deserts, he was tenderly replaced in his last
ditch, and his discoverers proceeded leisurely for
the coroner. Upon the arrival of that public
functionary some days later, a pile of nice clean
bones was discovered, with this touching epitaph
inscribed with a lead pencil upon a segment of the
skull:
“Yur lize wot cant be chawd of Chineece
jaik; xekewted bi me fur a plitikle awfens, and et
bi mi starven hogs, wich aint hed nuthin afore
sence jaix boss stoal mi korn. Bil Roper, and
ov sich is Kingdem cum.”
.... The following report of an
autopsy is of peculiar interest to physicians and
Christians:—Case 81st.—Felo de se. Yow Kow,
yellow, male, Chinese, aged 94; found dead on the
street; addicted to opium. Autopsy—sixteen hours
after death. Slobbering at the mouth; head caved
in; immense rigor mortis; eyes dilated and gouged
out; abdomen lacerated; hæmorrhage from left
ear. Head. Water on the brain; scalp congested,
rather; when burst with a mallet interior of
head resembled a war map. Thorax. Charge of
buckshot in left lung; diaphragm suffused; heart
wanting—finger marks in that vicinity; traces of
hobnails outside. Abdomen. Lacerated as aforesaid;
small intestines cumbered with brick dust;
slungshot in duodenum; boot-heel imbedded in
pelvis; butcher's knife fixed rigidly in right
kidney.
Remarks: Chinese immigration will ruin any
country in the world.
