 | Hoosier mosaics |  |
Stealing a Conductor.
He shambled into the bar-room of the hotel
at Thorntown, a Boone County village, and,
with a bow and a hearty “how-de do to you
all,” took the only vacant chair. He scratched
a match and lighted his pipe. “Now we'll be
bored with some sort of a long-winded story,”
whispered some to others of the loungers
present. “Never knowed him to fail,” said a
lank fellow, almost loud enough for the subject
to hear. “He's our travelled man,” added a
youth, who winked as if he were extremely intelligent
and didn't mind letting folks know
it.
The man himself whiffed away carelessly at
his pipe, now and then raising one eye higher
than the other, to take a sort of side survey of
the persons present. That eye was not long
in settling upon me, and after a short, searching
look, gleamed in a well pleased way. He
was a stout formed man of about fifty years,
dressed rather seedily, and wearing a plug hat
battered into the last degree of grotesqueness.
He got right up, and, dragging his chair behind
him, came over and settled close down
in front of me.
“Stranger here, a'n't you?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Your name's Fuller, a'n't it?”
“No, sir.”
“Well, mebbe I'm mistaken, but you're just
the picter o' Fuller. Never was a conductor
on a railroad, was you?”
“Never, sir.”
“Never was down in the swamps o' South-Eastern
Georgy, was you?”
“Never, sir.”
“Well, that beats four aces! I could 'a'
bet on your bein' Fuller.” He paused a
moment, and then added in a very insinuating
tone: “If you are Fuller you needn't be afeard
to say so, for I don't hold any grudge 'gin you
about that little matter. Now, sure enough,
a'n't your name Fuller, in fact?”
I glared at the man a moment, hesitating
about whether or not I should plant my fist in
his eye. But something of almost child-like
simplicity and sincerity beaming from his face
restrained me. Surely the fellow did not wish
to be as impudent as his words would imply.
“Well, stranger, I see I've got to explain, but
the story's not overly long,” said he, hitching
up a little closer to me and settling himself
comfortably.
I was about to get up and walk out of the
room, when some one of the by-sitters filliped
a little roll of paper to me. Unrolling it I
read —
“Let him go on, he'll give you a lively one.
He's a brick.”
So, concluding that possibly I might be entertained,
I lounged back in my seat.
“You see,” said he, “I thought you was
Fuller, an' Fuller was the only conductor I
ever stole.”
“Stole a conductor,” whispered somebody,
“that's a new one!”
“I've stole a good many things in my time,
but I'm here to bet that no other living Hoosier
ever stole a railroad conductor, an' Fuller was
the only one I ever stole. I stole him slicker
'n a eel. I had him 'fore he knowed it, and you
jist better bet he was one clean beat conductor
fore I was done wi' 'im.
“I kin tell you the whole affair in a few minutes,
and I da' say you'll laugh a good deal
'fore I'm through. You see I went down to
Floridy for my health, and when I had about
and spent all my money and everything else
but my very oldest suit o' clothes and my pistol,
a Colt's repeater, ten inch barrel. None o'
you can't tell how a feller feels in a predicament
o' that sort. Somethin' got into my
throat 'bout as big as a egg, and I felt kinder
moist about the eyes when I had to stare the
fact in the face that I was nigh onto, or possibly
quite a thousand miles from home without
ary a dime in my pocket. But if there's one
thing I do have more 'n another in my nater
it's common sense grit. Well, what you s'pose
I done? W'y I jest lit out for home afoot.
Well, sir, the derndest swamps is them Floridy
and Georgy swamps. It's ra'lly all one swamp
—the Okeefenokee. I follered the railroad that
goes up to Savanny, and it led me deeper and
deeper into the outlying fringes of that terrible
old bog. When I had travelled a considerable
distance into Georgy, and had pretty
well wore my feet off up to my ankle j'ints, and
was about as close onto starvation as a 'tater
failure in Ireland, and when my under lip had
got to hanging down like the skirt o' a wore
out saddle, and when every step seemed like
it 'd be my last, I jest got clean despairing like
and concluded to pray a little. So I got down
supplication. I felt every word o' it,
too, in all the marrer of my bones. The place
where I was a prayin' was a sort o' hummock
spot in a mighty bad part o' the swamp. Some
awful tall pines towered stupenjisly above me.
Well, jest as I was finished, and was a saying
amen, the lordy mercy what a yowl something
did give right over me in a tree! I think I
jumped as high as your head, stranger, and
come down flat-footed onto a railroad cross tie.
Whillikins, how I was scared! It was one o'
them whooping owls they have down there.
It was while I was a running from that 'ere
owl a thinkin' it was a panther, that the thought
struck me somewhere in the back o' the head
that I might steal a ride to Savanny on the
first train 'at might pass. `I'll try it!' says I,
and so I sot right down there in the swamp
and calmly waited for a train. In about a hour
here come one, like the de'il a braking hemp,
jist more'n a roaring through the swamp. I
forgot to tell you 'at it was after dark, but the
moon was dimly a shining through the fog that
covers everything there o' nights. Well, here
come the train, and as she passed I made a
lunge at the hind platform of the last car and
some how or another got onto it and away I
I tell you, and I was pleased as a monkey with
a red cap on. My, how fast that train did go!
I could hardly hold onto where I wus. You
may jist bet I clung on though, and finally I
got myself setting down on the steps and then
I was all hunkey. But I didn't have much
time to enjoy myself there, though, for all of a
sudden the light of a lantern shined on me and
then somebody touched me and said—
“Ticket!”
“Mebbe you don't know how onery a feller
'll feel sometimes when he hears that 'ere word
ticket—'specially when he a'n't got no ticket
nor no money to pay his fare, and too, when he
does want to ride a little of the derndest! That
was my fix! I'd 'a' give a thousand dollars
for a half dollar!
“Ticket!”
“He shook me a little this time and held his
lantern down low, so's to see into my face. I
know I must 'a' looked like the de'il.
“Ticket here, quick!”
“I've done paid,” said I.
“Show your check then.”
“Lost it,” says I.
“Money, then, quick!”
“Got none,” says I.
“What the — did you git onto my train
for without ticket or money? How do you expect
to travel without paying, you — lousy
vagabond! You can't steal from me; out with
your — wallet and gi' me the money! Hurry
up!”
“A'n't got no wallet nor no money,” says I.
“Well, I'll dump you off right here, then,”
said he, reaching for the bell-rope to stop the
train.
“For the Lord's sake let me ride to Savanny!”
says I.
“A dam Northerner, I know from your
voice!” said he, pulling the rope. The train
began to slack and soon stopped.
“Get off!” said the conductor.
“Please l'me ride!” says I.
“Off with you!”
“Jist a few miles here on the steps!”
“Off, quick!”
“Please—”
“Here you go!” and as he said the words he
tried to kick me off.
“In a second I was like a Bengal tiger. I
jumped up and gethered him and we went at
it. I'm as good as ever fluttered, and pretty
soon I give him one flat on the nose, and we
both went off 'n the platform together. As I
grabbed up and pulled the bell-rope to signal
the engineer to drive on. “Hoot-toot!” says
the whistle, and away lick-to-split went the
train, and slashy-to-splashy, rattle-o-bangle,
kewoppyty-whop, bump, thud! down me and
that 'ere conductor come onto a pile o' wore
out cross ties in the side ditch, and there we
laid a fightin'!
“But you jest bet it didn't take me long to
settle him. He soon began to sing out `'nuff!
'nuff! take 'm off!' and so I took him by the
hair and dragged him off 'n the cross ties,
shot him one or two more under the ear with
my fist, and then dropped him. He crawled
up and stood looking at me as if I was the
awfulest thing in the world. I s'pect I did
look scary, for I was terrible mad. His face
was bruised up mightily, but he wasn't a
bleeding much. He was mostly swelled.
“Where's my train?” says he, in a sort o'
blank, hollow way.
“Don't ye hear it?” I answered him, “it's
gone on to Savanny!”
“Gone! who told 'm to go on? what 'd they
go leave me for?”
“I pulled the bell rope,” says I.
“You?”
“Yes, me!”
“What in the world did you do that for,
man?”
“'Cause you wouldn't let me ride to Savanny!”
“What 'll I do! what 'll I do!” he cried, beginning
to waltz 'round like one possessed.
“I laughed—I couldn't help it—and at the
same time I pulled out my old pistol.
“Yah-hoo-a!” yelled another owl.
“For the sake o' humanity don't kill me!”
said the conductor.
“I'm jest a going to shoot you a little bit for
the fun o' the thing,” says I.
“Mercy, man!” he prayed.
“Ticket!” says I.
“He groaned the awfulest kind, and, by the
moonlight, I saw 'at the big tears was running
down his face. I felt sorry for him, but I
kinder thought 'at after what he'd done he'd
better pray a little, so I mentioned it to him.”
“I guess it mought be best if you'd pray a
little,” says I, cocking the pistol. My voice
had a decided sepulchreal sound. The pistol
clicked very sharp.
“O, kind sir,” says he, “O, dear sir, I
never did pray, I don't know how to pray!”
“Ticket or check!” says I, and he knowed I
was talking kind o' sarcasm. “Pray quick!”
“He got down and prayed like a Methodist
preacher at his very best licks. He must 'a'
prayed afore.
“About the time his prayer was ended I
heard a train coming in the distance. He
jumped up and listened.
“Glory! Heaven be praised!” says he,
capering around like a mad monkey, “they've
missed me and are backing down to hunt me!
where's my lantern? Have you a match?
Gi'me your handkerchief!”
“Not so fast,” says I; “you jest be moderate
now, will you? I've no notion o' you getting
on that train any more. You jest walk
along wi' me, will you?”
“Where?” says he.
“Into the swamp,” says I; “step off lively,
too, d'you hear me?”
“O mercy, mercy, man!” says he.
“Ticket!” says I, and then he walked along
wi' me into the swamp some two or three hundred
yards from the railroad.
“I took him into a very thickety place, and
made him back up agin a tree and put back
his arms around it. Then I took one o' his
suspenders and tied him hard and fast. Then
I gagged him with my handkerchief. So far,
so good.
“Here come the train slowly backing down,
the brakesman a swinging lanterns, and the
passengers all swarming onto the platforms.
Poorty soon they stopped right opposite us.
The conductor began to struggle. I poked the
pistol in his face and jammed the gag furder
into his mouth. He saw I meant work and got
quiet.
“The passengers was swarming off 'n the
train and I saw 'at I must git about poorty
fast if I was to do anything. I soon hit on a
plan. I jist stepped back a piece out o' sight o'
the conductor and turned my coat, which was
one o' these two-sided affairs, one side white,
t'other brown. I turned the white side out.
Then I flung away my greasy skull cap and
took a soft hat out 'n my pocket and put it on.
Then I watched my chance and mixed in with
the passengers who was a hunting for the conductor.
“Strange what's become o' him,” says I to
a fat man, who was puffing along.
“Dim strange, dim strange,” says the big
fellow, in a keen, wheezing voice.
“Well, you never saw jist sich hunting as
was done for that conductor. Everybody
slopped around in the swamp till their clothes
was as wet and muddy as mine. I was monstrous
'cepting where the conductor was.
Finally he got the gag spit out and lordy how
he did squeal for help. Everybody rushed to
him and soon had him free.
“It tickled me awful to hear that conductor
explaining the matter. He told it something
like this:
“Devil of a great big ruffian on hind platform.
Asked him for ticket. Refused. Tried
to put him off. Grabbed me. Smashed my
nose. Flung me off. Pulled the bell-rope,
then lit out on me. Mauled —— out o' me.
Had a pistol two feet long. Made me pray.
Heard train a coming. Took me to swamp.
Tied me and sloped. Lord but I'm glad to see
you all!”
“We all went aboard o' the train and I rode
to Savanny onmolested. The conductor didn't
mistrust me. He asked me for my check and
I told him 'at I'd lost it a thrashing round in
the bushes a hunting him. That was all right.
“When we got to Savanny I couldn't help
letting the conductor know me, so as I passed
down the steps of the car I whispered savagely
in his ear:
“Ticket! dod blast you!”
“He tried to grab me as I shambled off into
him a shoutin'—
“There he goes! Ketch him, dern him,
ketch him!” But they didn't.
“That conductor's name was Fuller, and I
swear, stranger, 'at you look jest like him! Gi'
me a match, will you, my pipe's out. Thanky.
Hope I ha'n't bored you. Good bye all.”
He shambled out and I never saw him again.
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