University of Virginia Library

36. CHAPTER XXXVI.

It was in truth Mara herself who came and stood in the
door-way. She appeared overwearied with her walk, for her
cheeks had a vivid brightness unlike their usual tender pink.
Her eyes had, too, a brilliancy almost painful to look upon.
They seemed like ardent fires, in which the life was slowly
burning away.

“Sit down, sit down, little Mara,” said Aunt Ruey.
“Why, how like a picture you look this mornin', — one
need n't ask you how you do, — it 's plain enough that you
are pretty well.”

“Yes, I am, Aunt Ruey,” she answered, sinking into a
chair; “only it is warm to-day, and the sun is so hot, that 's
all, I believe; but I am very tired.”

“So you are now, poor thing,” said Miss Ruey. “Roxy,
where 's my turkey-feather fan? Oh, here 't is; there, take
it, and fan you, child; and maybe you 'll have a glass of our
spruce beer?”

“Thank you, Aunt Roxy. I brought you some young
wintergreen,” said Mara, unrolling from her handkerchief a
small knot of those fragrant leaves, which were wilted by
the heat.

“Thank you, I 'm sure,” said Miss Ruey, in delight; “you
always fetch something, Mara, — always would ever since
you could toddle. Roxy and I was jist talkin' about your
weddin'. I s'pose you 're gettin' things well along down to

your house. Well, here 's the beer. I don't hardly know
whether you 'll think it worked enough though. I set it
Saturday afternoon, for all Mis' Twitchel said it was wicked
for beer to work Sundays,” said Miss Ruey, with a feeble
cackle at her own joke.

“Thank you, Aunt Ruey, it is excellent, as your things
always are. I was very thirsty.”

“I s'pose you hear from Moses pretty often now,” said
Aunt Ruey. “How kind o' providential it happened about
his getting that property; he 'll be a rich man now; and
Mara, you 'll come to grandeur, won't you? Well, I don't
know anybody deserves it more, — I r'ally don't. Mis'
Badger was a-sayin' so a-Sunday, and Cap'n Kittridge
and all on 'em. I s'pose though we 've got to lose you, —
you 'll be goin' off to Boston or New York, or somewhere.”

“We can't tell what may happen, Aunt Ruey,” said Mara,
and there was a slight tremor in her voice as she spoke.

Miss Roxy, who beyond the first salutations had taken no
part in this conversation, had from time to time regarded
Mara over the tops of her spectacles with looks of grave
apprehension; and Mara, looking up, now encountered one
of these glances.

“Have you taken the dock and dandelion tea I told you
about?” said the wise woman, rather abruptly.

“Yes, Aunt Roxy, I have taken them faithfully for two
weeks past.”

“And do they seem to set you up any?” said Miss Roxy.

“No, I don't think they do. Grandma thinks I 'm better,
and grandpa, and I let them think so; but Miss Roxy, can't
you think of something else?”

Miss Roxy laid aside the straw bonnet which she was
ripping, and motioned Mara into the outer room, — the sink-room,

as the sisters called it. It was the scullery of their
little establishment, — the place where all dish-washing and
clothes-washing was generally performed, — but the boards
of the floor were white as snow, and the place had the odor
of neatness. The open door looked out pleasantly into the
deep forest, where the waters of the cove, now at high tide,
could be seen glittering through the trees. Soft moving
spots of sunlight fell, checkering the feathery ferns and small
piney tribes of evergreen which ran in ruffling wreaths of
green through the dry, brown matting of fallen pine needles.
Birds were singing and calling to each other merrily from
the green shadows of the forest, — everything had a sylvan
fulness and freshness of life. There are moods of mind
when the sight of the bloom and freshness of nature affects
us painfully, like the want of sympathy in a dear friend.
Mara had been all her days a child of the woods; her delicate
life had grown up in them like one of their own cool
shaded flowers; and there was not a moss, not a fern, not
an up-springing thing that waved a leaf or threw forth a
flower-bell, that was not a well-known friend to her; she
had watched for years its haunts, known the time of its coming
and its going, studied its shy and veiled habits, and interwoven
with its life each year a portion of her own; and now
she looked out into the old mossy woods, with their wavering
spots of sun and shadow, with a yearning pain, as if
she wanted help or sympathy to come from their silent
recesses.

She sat down on the clean, scoured door-sill, and took off
her straw hat. Her golden-brown hair was moist with the
damps of fatigue, which made it curl and wave in darker
little rings about her forehead; her eyes, — those longing,
wistful eyes, — had a deeper pathos of sadness than ever

they had worn before; and her delicate lips trembled with
some strong suppressed emotion.

“Aunt Roxy,” she said suddenly, “I must speak to somebody.
I can't go on and keep up without telling some one,
and it had better be you, because you have skill and experience,
and can help me if anybody can. I 've been going on
for six months now, taking this and taking that, and trying
to get better, but it 's of no use. Aunt Roxy, I feel my life
going, — going just as steadily and as quietly every day as
the sand goes out of your hour-glass. I want to live, — oh,
I never wanted to live so much, and I can't, — oh, I know I
can't. Can I now, — do you think I can?”

Mara looked imploringly at Miss Roxy. The hard-visaged
woman sat down on the wash-bench, and, covering her
worn, stony visage with her checked apron, sobbed aloud.

Mara was confounded. This implacably withered, sensible,
dry woman, beneficently impassive in sickness and sorrow,
weeping! — it was awful as if one of the Fates had
laid down her fatal distaff to weep.

Mara sprung up impulsively and threw her arms round
her neck.

“Now don't, Aunt Roxy, don't. I did n't think you would
feel bad, or I would n't have told you; but oh, you don't
know how hard it is to keep such a secret all to one's self.
I have to make believe all the time that I am feeling well
and getting better. I really say what is n't true every day,
because, poor grandmamma, how could I bear to see her
distress? and grandpapa, — oh, I wish people did n't love
me so! Why cannot they let me go? And oh, Aunt Roxy,
I had a letter only yesterday, and he is so sure we shall be
married this fall, — and I know it cannot be.” Mara's voice
gave way in sobs, and the two wept together, — the old grim

gray woman holding the soft golden head against her breast
with a convulsive grasp. “Oh, Aunt Roxy, do you love me,
too?” said Mara. “I did n't know you did.”

“Love ye, child?” said Miss Roxy; “yes, I love ye like
my life. I a'n't one that makes talk about things, but I do;
you come into my arms fust of anybody's in this world, —
and except poor little Hitty, I never loved nobody as I have
you.”

“Ah! that was your sister, whose grave I have seen,”
said Mara, speaking in a soothing, caressing tone, and putting
her little thin hand against the grim, wasted cheek,
which was now moist with tears.

“Jes' so, child, she died when she was a year younger
than you be; she was not lost, for God took her. Poor
Hitty! her life jest dried up like a brook in August, — jest
so. Well, she was hopefully pious, and it was better for
her.”

“Did she go like me, Aunt Roxy?” said Mara.

“Well, yes, dear; she did begin jest so, and I gave her
everything I could think of; and we had doctors for her far
and near; but 't was n't to be, — that 's all we could say;
she was called, and her time was come.”

“Well, now, Aunt Roxy,” said Mara, “at any rate, it 's a
relief to speak out to some one. It 's more than two months
that I have felt every day more and more that there was no
hope, — life has hung on me like a weight. I have had to
make myself keep up, and make myself do everything, and
no one knows how it has tried me. I am so tired all the
time, I could cry; and yet when I go to bed nights I can't
sleep, I lie in such a hot, restless way; and then before
morning I am drenched with cold sweat, and feel so weak
and wretched. I force myself to eat, and I force myself to

talk and laugh, and it 's all pretence; and it wears me out,
— it would be better if I stopped trying, — it would be
better to give up and act as weak as I feel; but how can I
let them know?”

“My dear child,” said Aunt Roxy, “the truth is the kindest
thing we can give folks in the end. When folks know
jest where they are, why they can walk; you 'll all be supported;
you must trust in the Lord. I have been more 'n
forty years with sick rooms and dyin' beds, and I never
knew it fail that those that trusted in the Lord was brought
through.”

“Oh, Aunt Roxy, it is so hard for me to give up, — to
give up hoping to live. There were a good many years
when I thought I should love to depart, — not that I was
really unhappy, but I longed to go to heaven, though I knew
it was selfish, when I knew how lonesome I should leave
my friends. But now, oh, life has looked so bright; I have
clung to it so; I do now. I lie awake nights and pray, and
try to give it up and be resigned, and I can't. Is it wicked?”

“Well, it 's natur' to want to live,” said Miss Roxy.
“Life is sweet, and in a gen'l way we was made to live.
Don't worry; the Lord 'll bring you right when His time
comes. Folks is n't always supported jest when they want
to be, nor as they want to be; but yet they 're supported
fust and last. Ef I was to tell you how as I has hope in
your case, I should n't be a-tellin' you the truth. I has n't
much of any; only all things is possible with God. If you
could kind o' give it all up and rest easy in his hands, and
keep a-doin' what you can, — why, while there 's life there 's
hope, you know; and if you are to be made well, you will
be all the sooner.”

“Aunt Roxy, it 's all right; I know it 's all right. God

knows best; He will do what is best; I know that; — but
my heart bleeds, and is sore. And when I get his letters, —
I got one yesterday, — it brings it all back again. Everything
is going on so well; he says he has done more than all
he ever hoped; his letters are full of jokes, — full of spirit.
Ah, he little knows, — and how can I tell him?”

“Child, you need n't yet. You can jest kind o' prepare
his mind a little.”

“Aunt Roxy, have you spoken of my case to any one, —
have you told what you know of me?”

“No, child, I ha' n't said nothin' more than that you
was a little weakly now and then.”

“I have such a color every afternoon,” said Mara.
“Grandpapa talks about my roses, and Captain Kittridge
jokes me about growing so handsome; nobody seems to
realize how I feel. I have kept up with all the strength
I had. I have tried to shake it off, and to feel that nothing
was the matter, — really there is nothing much only this
weakness. This morning I thought it would do me good to
walk down here. I remember times when I could ramble
whole days in the woods, but I was so tired before I got
half way here that I had to stop a long while and rest.
Aunt Roxy, if you would only tell grandpapa and grandmamma
just how things are, and what the danger is, and
let them stop talking to me about wedding things, — for
really and truly I am too unwell to keep up any longer.”

“Well, child, I will,” said Miss Roxy. “Your grandfather
will be supported, and hold you up, for he 's one
of the sort as has the secret of the Lord, — I remember
him of old. Why, the day your father and mother was
buried he stood up and sung old China, and his face was
wonderful to see. He seemed to be standin' with the world

under his feet and heaven opening. He 's a master Christian,
your grandfather is; and now you jest go and lie down
in the little bedroom, and rest you a bit, and by and by, in
the cool of the afternoon, I 'll walk along home with you.”

Miss Roxy opened the door of a little room, whose white
fringy window-curtains were blown inward by breezes from
the blue sea, and laid the child down to rest on a clean sweet-smelling
bed with as deft and tender care as if she were not
a bony, hard-visaged, angular female, in a black mohair frisette.

She stopped a moment wistfully before a little profile head,
of a kind which resembles a black shadow on a white ground.
“That was Hitty!” she said.

Mara had often seen in the graveyard a mound inscribed
to this young person, and heard traditionally of a young and
pretty sister of Miss Roxy who had died very many years
before. But the grave was overgrown with blackberry-vines,
and gray moss had grown into the crevices of the slab which
served for a tombstone, and never before that day had she
heard Miss Roxy speak of her. Miss Roxy took down the
little black object and handed it to Mara. “You can't tell
much by that, but she was a most beautiful creatur'. Well,
it 's all best as it is.” Mara saw nothing but a little black
shadow cast on white paper, yet she was affected by the perception
how bright, how beautiful, was the image in the
memory of that seemingly stern, commonplace woman, and
how of all that in her mind's eye she saw and remembered,
she could find no outward witness but this black block. “So
some day my friends will speak of me as a distant shadow,”
she said, as with a sigh she turned her head on the pillow.

Miss Roxy shut the door gently as she went out, and betrayed
the unwonted rush of softer feelings which had come

over her only by being more dictatorial and commanding than
usual in her treatment of her sister, who was sitting in fidgety
curiosity to know what could have been the subject of
the private conference.

“I s'pose Mara wanted to get some advice about makin'
up her weddin' things,” said Miss Ruey, with a sort of humble
quiver, as Miss Roxy began ripping and tearing fiercely
at her old straw bonnet, as if she really purposed its utter
and immediate demolition.

“No she did n't, neither,” said Miss Roxy fiercely. “I
declare, Ruey, you are silly; your head is always full of
weddin's, weddin's, weddin's — nothin' else — from mornin'
till night, and night till mornin'. I tell you there 's other
things have got to be thought of in this world besides weddin'
clothes, and it would be well, if people would think more
o' gettin' their weddin' garments ready for the kingdom of
heaven. That 's what Mara 's got to think of; for, mark my
words, Ruey, there is no marryin' and givin' in marriage for
her in this world.”

“Why, bless me, Roxy, now you don't say so!” said Miss
Ruey; “why I knew she was kind o' weakly and ailin',
but” —

“Kind o' weakly and ailin'!” said Miss Roxy, taking up
Miss Ruey's words in a tone of high disgust, “I should rather
think she was; and more 'n that, too: she 's marked for
death, and that before long, too. It may be that Moses
Pennel 'll never see her again — he never half knew what
she was worth — maybe he 'll know when he 's lost her,
that 's one comfort!”

“But,” said Miss Ruey, “everybody has been a-sayin'
what a beautiful color she was a-gettin' in her cheeks.”

“Color in her cheeks!” snorted Miss Roxy; “so does a

rock-maple get color in September and turn all scarlet, and
what for? why, the frost has been at it, and its time is out.
That 's what your bright colors stand for. Ha' n't you
noticed that little gravestone cough, jest the faintest in the
world, and it don't come from a cold, and it hangs on. I tell
you you can't cheat me, she 's goin' jest as Mehitabel went,
jest as Sally Ann Smith went, jest as Louisa Pearson went.
I could count now on my fingers twenty girls that have gone
that way. Nobody saw 'em goin' till they was gone.”

“Well, now, I don't think the old folks have the least idea
on 't,” said Miss Ruey. “Only last Saturday Mis' Pennel
was a-talkin' to me about the sheets and table-cloths she 's
got out a-bleachin'; and she said that the weddin' dress was
to be made over to Mis' Mosely's in Portland, 'cause Moses
he 's so particular about havin' things genteel.”

“Well, Master Moses 'll jest have to give up his particular
notions,” said Miss Roxy, “and come down in the dust,
like all the rest on us, when the Lord sends an east wind
and withers our gourds. Moses Pennel 's one of the sort
that expects to drive all before him with the strong arm, and
sech has to learn that things a'n't to go as they please in the
Lord's world. Sech always has to come to spots that they
can't get over nor under nor round, to have their own way,
but jest has to give right up square.”

“Well, Roxy,” said Miss Ruey, “how does the poor
little thing take it? Has she got reconciled?”

“Reconciled! Ruey, how you do ask questions!” said
Miss Roxy, fiercely pulling a bandanna silk handkerchief out
of her pocket, with which she wiped her eyes in a defiant
manner. “Reconciled! It 's easy enough to talk, Ruey,
but how would you like it, when everything was goin'
smooth and playin' into your hands, and all the world smooth

and shiny, to be took short up? I guess you would n't be
reconciled. That 's what I guess.”

“Dear me, Roxy, who said I should?” said Miss Ruey.
“I wa' n't blamin' the poor child, not a grain.”

“Well, who said you was, Ruey?” answered Miss Roxy
in the same high key.

“You need n't take my head off,” said Aunt Ruey, roused
as much as her adipose, comfortable nature could be. “You
've been a-talkin' at me ever since you came in from the
sink-room, as if I was to blame; and snappin' at me as if I
had n't a right to ask civil questions; and I won't stan' it,”
said Miss Ruey. “And while I 'm about it, I 'll say that
you always have snubbed me and contradicted and ordered
me round. I won't bear it no longer.”

“Come, Ruey, don't make a fool of yourself at your time
of life,” said Miss Roxy. “Things is bad enough in this
world without two lone sisters and church-members turnin'
agin each other. You must take me as I am, Ruey; my
bark 's worse than my bite, as you know.”

Miss Ruey sank back pacified into her usual state of
pillowy dependence — it was so much easier to be good-natured
than to contend. As for Miss Roxy — if you have
ever carefully examined a chestnut-burr you will remember
that, hard as it is to handle, no plush of downiest texture
can exceed the satin smoothness of the fibres which line its
heart. There are a class of people in New England who
betray the uprising of the softer feelings of our nature only
by an increase of outward asperity — a sort of bashfulness
and shyness leaves them no power of expression for these
unwonted guests of the heart — they hurry them into inner
chambers and slam the doors upon them, as if they were
vexed at their appearance.

Now if poor Miss Roxy had been like you, my dear
young lady — if her soul had been encased in a round, rosy,
and comely body, and looked out of tender blue eyes shaded
by golden hair, probably the grief and love she felt would
have shown themselves only in bursts of feeling most graceful
to see, and engaging the sympathy of all; but this same
soul, imprisoned in a dry, angular body, stiff and old, and
looking out under beetling eyebrows, over withered high
cheek-bones, could only utter itself by a passionate tempest
—unlovely utterance of a lovely impulse — dear only to
Him who sees with a Father's heart the real beauty of
spirits. It is our firm faith that bright solemn angels in
celestial watchings were frequent guests in the homely room
of the two sisters, and that passing by all accidents of age
and poverty, withered skins, bony features, and grotesque
movements, and shabby clothing, they saw more real beauty
there than in many a scented boudoir where seeming angels
smile in lace and satin.

“Ruey,” said Miss Roxy, in a more composed voice,
while her hard, bony hands still trembled with excitement,
“this 'ere 's been on my mind a good while. I ha' n't said
nothin' to nobody, but I 've seen it a-comin'. I always
thought that child wa' n't for a long life. Lives is run in
different lengths, and nobody can say what 's the matter with
some folks, only that their thread 's run out; there 's more on
one spool and less on another. I thought, when we laid
Hitty in the grave, that I should n't never set my heart on
nothin' else — but we can't jest say we will or we won't.
Ef we are to be sorely afflicted at any time, the Lord lets
us set our hearts before we know it. This 'ere 's a great
affliction to me, Ruey, but I must jest shoulder my cross and
go through with it. I 'm goin' down to-night to tell the

old folks, and to make arrangements so that the poor little
lamb may have the care she needs. She 's been a-keepin'
up so long, 'cause she dreaded to let 'em know, but this 'ere
has got to be looked right in the face, and I hope there 'll be
grace given to do it.”