University of Virginia Library

TRIPETOWN: TWENTY MINUTES FOR
BREAKFAST.

“I wer onst a-ridin ontu the kers ove a raleroad,
an' hed been livin on nuffin but but sum bites ove
whisky fur a hole day an' nite, an' felt like a congriga-shun
ove rats wer a-bildin thar nestes outen sifter wire
in my stumick, an' a hive ove bees wer a-fixin tu
swarm in my head, when the conducter run his foreaind
intu the door, up tu the butt ove his watch-chain,
an' holler'd—

“`Tripetown—twenty minutes fur breakfus'.'

“`That's me,' sez I, an' I went over. I jis' tell yu
this case tu show yu that the sarmint I hev been
preachin, wif Catfishe Tavrins fur a tex, wer pervok'd
outen me.

“I sot down, an' oh, lordy! sich a breakfus! My
talk, bad es yu sez hit wer, about the Catfishe peopil,
don't begin tu du jestice tu this mess ove truck. A
hungry dorg wudn't hev smelt, nur a sperienced buzzard
even lit ontu hit, ef thar wer a ded hoss in a hundred
mile. I tried a bite, an' hit flew outen my mouf
like ther'd been a steel mattrass spring quiled in my

froat; so ove course I wer the fust wun outen thar.
Thar he wer, the everlastin `perpryiter,' a-standin in
the door, wif his paw full ove notes, a-lickin the ball
ove his tuther thumb, like he wer hungry tu begin,
that bein the chief aind ove (the Catfishe) man.

“`Two dullars an' a 'alf; yu mus' make the change,'
sed he, all in wun breff.

“I thor't I'd see ef all his feelins wer seared wif a
red hot iron, an' so I sed—lookin mity serus an' pius
like, rite squar intu the middil ove the glass ove his
specks, what kivered a par ove es mean an' muny-luvin
eyes es ever star'd at the eagle ontu a dime ontil that
ar bird shot his'n up wif shame—

“`Yu keep a all-fired good hous', Mister—good biskit,
an' coffee tu match; hit gins a man a appertite tu
jis' look et yu; hit gins him a appertite an' a stumick
tu look et yur wife, an' hit sets em bof a-rarin an'
a-squealin tu smell yer tabil. This am a holesum place.
An' es I hes far'd so well, about yu, I wants tu tell yu
a valerabil secret; how tu make yer coffee, good es hit
is, still better, an' not cos' a cent more.'

“`Much obleged, indeed,' sez he, an' lookin es sweet
roun the mouf es ef he'd been a-tastin good brandy an'
white sugar, an' wer wantin ove more.

“Now the travelers wer cumin out, ni ontu eighty
ove em, an' wantin me outen the way, so they cud pay
fur what nastiness an' pizen they'd swaller'd, an' git
outen the smell ove hit es soon es possibil. I jis' kep

on talkin 'bout my 'provement ontu coffee till I tho't
mos' ove em wer in year shot, when I rais'd my soun,
an' sed—

“`Ef yu want tu make that good coffee ove yourn
better, jis' yu, instead ove makin hit all outen ole boot-laigs,
put in about half ove a ole wool hat, chopp'd
fine, finer nur yu chops yer hash say, intu pieces a
inch squar; hit will help the taste pow'ful, an' not set
the smell back a bit,' I flung down my munny an' put
fur the train. I swar, es I went, I cud feel the
fokis ove them specks a-burnin intu the back ove my
head, an' I smelt my har swingin. I know'd that he
wer tryin tu look thru me, an' the peopil, men an'
wimmen, wer screamin a-larfin et sumthin. Tu help
his mad to a head, wun feller hed sot down ontu the
step, wif a segar clamp't atween his knees, a biskit intu
each han, whetin away, tryin tu strike fire outen them
ontu hit. Anuther hed fired wun ove the biggest an
hardes' biskit at the smoke-hous', an' hit went thru the
wether boardin like a grape shot. Anuther perlite,
bowin, smilin feller cum out wif the drum-stick aind
ove the hine laig ove a ole gander 'twixt his finger an'
thumb, an' narrated hit that hit wer ole Powhattan's
war club, an' he wer gwine tu start hissef a museum;
while out in the yard, lay a long feller flat ontu his
belly, wif his laigs wide apart, an' his paws locked
roun a par-biled beef rib, an' he wer gnawin at tuther
aind ove hit fust in wun side ove his mouf, an' then

tuther, growlin like a dorg, an' a-eyein sidewise the
picter sot in the door-frame all the while. A longnecked
passenger, top'd off wif a seal-skin cap, cum
rushin out in a shanghi trot, wif a stripe ove tuff tripe
es long es a sirsingle. He hed hit by the middil in his
mouf, an' wer a-slashin an' a-slapin the aind agin everybody
what he pass'd by, vigrusly shakin his head, jis'
like a dorg dus when he's a-killin snakes, ur a sow
playin wif rags afore a storm. All these shines didn't
stop the larfin a bit, ef I noticed right.

“Well, when I'd got off about thuty yards, I venter'd
tu look back. Thar he stood, the mos' orful picter
ove onregenerated rath, mortal man ever seed. He
looked like he'd weigh five hundred pounds; he wer
swell'd all over, ni ontu bustin, an' the door wer chock
full ove him, all in a strut. His arms stuck out like a
settin hen's wings, his hat cocked before, his feet wide
apart, an' he wer a-lookin at me sure enuf. Them
specks blazin like two red lamps, his lips a-flutterin es
he blow'd out the hot breff an' foam ove his onbearabil
pent up rath, what my onekeled an' on-hearn ove imperdence
tu him, the perpryiter hed sot a-bilin in his
in'ards, ontil he wer ni ontu burnt out, thru tu the har,
an' waiscoat. The smoke ove his torment wer a-cumin
out in whiffs frum his breeches pockets, an' button
holes.

“My lookin back toch the trigger; an idear, an'
speech now cum tu him fur the fust time, an' he exploded.

He jis' bellered like a bull bawlin in a tunnel,
a-flingin big splotches ove foam an' spittil way ofen
the step et every word.

“`Spose—yu—go—tu—h—ll—yu—dam—raskill.'

“He wer ontu his tip-toes when he sed this, an' as he
ainded the word `raskill,' he cum down ontu his heels,
till he made the winders chatter, an' his big watch-seals
dance agin.

“I jis' kep ontu the kers, an' didn't du what he tole
me tu. Arter we'd run two miles, I looked back, an
we wer so fur that the door look'd like a black spot on
the hous', an' I wish I may be tetotally durn'd, cordin
tu law, ef I didn't still see them hot specks, rite in the
middil ove hit, blazin away like two leetle red stars
Sum orful calamity tuck place at that rail road troff tu
sumbody, afore he simmered down.”