University of Virginia Library

THE LADIES RELIEF SOCIETY.

EXTRAORDINARY PROCEEDINGS!!—SCANDALOUS TREATMENT
OF “OUR REPORTER!”

Learning that a meeting of the “Ladies' Relief Society”
was to be held this morning, at Pine Church, on Baptist
Street, your Reporter, actuated by a desire to discharge his
duty to the public by collecting valuable information, and
incited by a laudable curiosity to ascertain what on earth
the ladies desired to be relieved from (on which last point he
obtained the most complete satisfaction, as will appear), repaired
to that sacred edifice, and ensconsing himself in a
pew conveniently situated, in case of a sudden retreat becoming
expedient, near the door, patiently awaited the commencement
of the proceedings.

At half past nine, A. M. precisely, as I ascertained by
reference to the magnificent silver watch, valued at $18,
which I did not draw in Tobin and Duncan's grand raffle,

yesterday, but which, “on the contrary, quite the reverse,”
was bestowed on me by my deceased Grandmother (excuse
the digression; I am approaching a painful subject and like to
do it gradually), the ladies began to assemble in their beauty,
and, I regret to add, their strength. From the somewhat
inconvenient position which, from motives of delicacy and a
desire to avoid the appearance of intrusion, I had assumed
on the floor of the pew, I counted fifty-two of the “sweeteners
of our cup of human happiness,” of every age, figure and
appearance. There was the maid of blushing sixteen, and
there was the widow of sixty, dressed in all imaginable styles
of colors—white hats, red shawls, chip bonnets, green aprons
and pink colored boots.

The Pine Church looked like a conservatory, and as I
lay perdue, like an innocent (green) snake among the flowers,
listening to the merry laugh and innocent playful gurglings
of delight that fell from their hundred and four lips.“—How'd
do, dear?” “My! what a love of a bonnet!” “What did you
draw, Fanny?” “Is Lizzy going to marry that fellow?”
&c., I thought that “my lines were cast in very pleasant
places, and that I had a goodly heritage.” How painfully
was I undeceived; how totally was I engulfed! (a preferable
mode of expression—that `engulfed'—to the common
but indelicate one of “sucked in).” but I will not anticipate.

As the town clock struck ten, the doors were closed, and
a lady of mature age and benign though unyielding expression
(I do you justice, Madam, though you havn't used me
well), ascended the steps of the pulpit, and taking from the

desk a fireman's speaking trumpet that laid thereon, she
smote an awful blow upon a copy of the sacred scriptures,
and vociferated through the brazen instrument, “Order!”
Conversation ceased, laughter was hushed, and with the exception
of an irrepressible murmur and a subdued snicker
from your reporter, as some charming being exclaimed, sotto
voce, “don't pinch me,” silence reigned profound. “Ladies,”
said the President, “you are aware of the object of this meeting.
Tied down by the absurd prejudices of society; trammelled
by the shackles of custom and unworthy superstition;
we have found it necessary to form ourselves into a society,
where, free from the intrusion of execrable man; aloof from
his jealous scrutiny, whether as father, brother, or that still
more objectionable character of husband, we may throw off
restraint, exert our natural liberty, and seek relief from the
tedious and odious routine of duty imposed upon us in our
daily walk of life. Any motion is in order.”

At this instant, while my wondering gaze was attracted by
an elderly female in a Tuscan bonnet and green veil, who,
drawing a black pint bottle from the pocket of her dress,
proceeded to take a “snifter” therefrom, with vast apparent
satisfaction, and then tendered it to the lady that sat next
(a sweet little thing in a Dunstable, with cherry-colored ribbons),
a lady rose and said—“Mrs. President: I move that
a committee of one be appointed to send a servant to Batty
and Parrens, for fifty-two brandy smashes.” A thrill of horror
ran through my veins; I rose mechanically to my feet;
exclaimed “gracious goodness!” and fell, in a fainting condition,

against the back of the pew. It was my Susan!!
You remember the instant that intervenos between the flash
of the lightning and the ensuing thunder clap:—for an instant
there was silence, dead silence—you might have heard
a paper of pins fall—then “at once there rose so wild a yell,”
“a man! a man!” they cried, and a scene of hubbub and
confusion ensued that beggars description. The venerable
female in the Tuscan shyed the pint bottle at my head—the
little thing in the Dunstable gave me a back-handed wipe
with a parasol, and for an instant my life was in positive
danger from the shower of fans, hymn-books and other missiles
that fell around me. “Put him out, Martha,” said an old
lady to a lovely being in a blue dress in an adjacent pew—
“I shan't,” was the reply, “I haven't been introduced to him.”
“Wretched creature,” said the President in an awful voice,
“who are you?” “Reporter for the Alta” rose to my throat,
but my lips refused their utterance. “What do you want?”
she continued,—“I want to go home,” I feebly articulated.
“Put him out!” she rejoined; and before I could think, much
less expostulate, I was pounced upon by two strong-minded
women, and found myself walking rapidly down Baptist street,
with the impression of a number three gaiter boot on my clothing
about ten inches below the two ornamental buttons upon
the small of my back. From this latter circumstance, I have
formed the impression that the little thing with the Dunstable
and cherry-colored ribbons assisted at my elimination.

And now, Mr. Editor, what are we to think of this?
Does it not give rise to very serious reflections, that a society

should exist in our very midst of so nefarious—but indignation
is useless. “I cannot do justice to the subject.”
Ruffled in disposition, wounded to the heart in the best and
most sacred feelings of my common nature, I can only subscribe
myself,