University of Virginia Library

CHAPTER IV.

You call upon me for a confession of my offences. What
a strange fortune is mine! That a human being, in the
present circumstances, should make this demand, and that I
should be driven, by an irresistible necessity to comply with
it! That here should terminate my calamitous series!
That my destiny should call upon me to lie down and die,
in a region so remote from the scene of my crime; at a distance,
so great, from all that witnessed and endured their
consequences!

You believe me to be an assassin. You require me to explain
the motives that induced me to murder the innocent.
While this is your belief, and this the scope of your expectations,
you may be sure of my compliance. I could resist
every demand but this.

For what purpose have I come hither? Is it to relate
my story? Shall I calmly sit here, and rehearse the incidents
of my life? Will my strength be adequate to this
rehearsal? Let me recollect the motives that governed me,
when I formed this design. Perhaps, a strenuousness may
be imparted by them, which, otherwise, I cannot hope to
obtain. For the sake of those, I consent to conjure up the
ghost of the past, and to begin a tale that, with a fortitude
like mine, I am not sure that I shall live to finish.

You are unacquainted with the man before you. The
inferences which you have drawn, with regard to my designs,
and my conduct, are a tissue of destructive errors. You,
like others, are blind to the most momentous consequences
of your own actions. You talk of imparting consolation.
You boast the beneficence of your intentions. You set yourself
to do me a benefit. What are the effects of your misguided
zeal, and random efforts? They have brought my life to a
miserable close. They have shrouded the last scene of it
in blood. They have put the seal to my perdition.

My misery has been greater than has fallen to the lot of

mortals. Yet it is but beginning. My present path, full as
it is of asperities, is better than that into which I must enter,
when this is abandoned. Perhaps, if my pilgrimage had been
longer, I might, at some future day, have lighted upon hope.
In consequence of your interference, I am forever debarred
from it. My existence is henceforward to be invariable.
The woes that are reserved for me, are incapable alike of
alleviation or intermission.

But I came not hither to recriminate. I came not hither
to accuse others, but myself. I know the retribution that is
appointed for guilt like mine. It is just. I may shudder at
the foresight of my punishment and shrink in the endurance
of it; but I shall be indebted for part of my torment to the
vigor of my understanding, which teaches me that my punishment
is just. Why should I procrastinate my doom and strive
to render my burthen more light. It is but just that it should
crush me. Its procrastination is impossible. The stroke is
already felt. Even now I drink of the cup of retribution.
A change of being cannot aggravate my wo. Till consciousness
itself be extinct, the worm that gnaws me will
never perish.

Fain would I be relieved from this task. Gladly would I
bury in oblivion the transactions of my life; but no. My
fate is uniform. The dæmon that controled me at first is
still in the fruition of power. I am entangled in his fold,
and every effort that I make to escape only involves me in
deeper ruin. I need not conceal, for all the consequences
of disclosure are already experienced. I cannot endure a
groundless imputation, though to free me from it, I must
create and justify imputations still more atrocious. My
story may at least be brief. If the agonies of remembrance
must be awakened afresh, let me do all that in me lies
to shorten them.

I was born in the county of Armagh. My parents were
of the better sort of peasants, and were able to provide me
with the rudiments of knowledge. I should doubtless have
trodden in their footsteps, and have spent my life in
the cultivation of their scanty fields, if an event had not
happened, which, for a long time, I regarded as the most
fortunate of my life; but which I now regard as the

scheme of some infernal agent, and as the primary source of
all my calamities.

My father's farm was a portion of the demesne of one
who resided wholly in the metropolis, and consigned the
management of his estates to his stewards and retainers.
This person married a lady, who brought him great accession
of fortune. Her wealth was her only recommendation
in the eyes of her husband, whose understanding was
depraved by the prejudices of luxury and rank, but was the
least of her attractions in the estimate of reasonable beings.

They passed some years together. If their union were
not a source of misery to the lady, she was indebted for her
tranquillity to the force of her mind. She was, indeed,
governed, in every action of her life, by the precepts of duty,
while her husband listened to no calls but those of pernicious
dissipation. He was immersed in all the vices that
grow out of opulence and a mistaken education.

Happily for his wife his career was short. He was enraged
at the infidelity of his mistress, to purchase whose
attachment, he had lavished two thirds of his fortune. He
called the paramour, by whom he had been supplanted, to
the field. The contest was obstinate, and terminated in the
death of the challenger.

This event freed the lady from many distressful and
humiliating obligations. She determined to profit by her
newly acquired independence, to live thenceforward conformable
to her notions of right, to preserve and improve,
by schemes of economy, the remains of her fortune, and to
employ it in the diffusion of good. Her plans made it necessary
to visit her estates in the distant provinces.

During her abode in the manor of which my father was
a vassal, she visited his cottage. I was at that time a child.
She was pleased with my vivacity and promptitude, and
determined to take me under her own protection. My parents
joyfully acceded to her proposal, and I returned with
her to the capital.

She had an only son of my own age. Her design, in
relation to me, was, that I should be educated with her child,
and that an affection, in this way, might be excited in me
towards my young master, which might render me, when

we should attain to manhood, one of his most faithful and
intelligent dependants. I enjoyed, equally with him, all the
essential benefits of education. There were certain accomplishments,
from which I was excluded, from the belief that
they were unsuitable to my rank and station. I was permitted
to acquire others, which, had she been actuated by
true discernment, she would, perhaps, have discovered to be
far more incompatible with a servile station. In proportion
as my views were refined and enlarged by history and
science, I was likely to contract a thirst of independence,
and an impatience of subjection and poverty.

When the period of childhood and youth was past, it was
thought proper to send her son, to improve his knowledge
and manners, by a residence on the continent. This young
man was endowed with splendid abilities. His errors were
the growth of his condition. All the expedients that maternal
solicitude and wisdom could suggest, were employed
to render him a useful citizen. Perhaps this wisdom was
attested by the large share of excellence which he really
possessed; and, that his character was not unblemished,
proved only, that no exertions could preserve him from the
vices that are inherent in wealth and rank, and which flow
from the spectacle of universal depravity.

As to me, it would be folly to deny, that I had benefited
by my opportunities of improvement. I fulfilled the expectation
of my mistress, in one respect. I was deeply imbued
with affection for her son, and reverence for herself. Perhaps
the force of education was evinced in those particulars,
without reflecting any credit on the directors of it. Those
might merit the name of defects, which were regarded by
them as accomplishments. My unfavorable qualities, like
those of my master, were imputed to my condition, though,
perhaps, the difference was advantageous to me, since the
vices of servitude are less hateful than those of tyranny.

It was resolved that I should accompany my master in his
travels, in quality of favorite domestic. My principles, whatever
might be their rectitude, were harmonious and flexible.
I had devoted my life to the service of my patron. I had
formed conceptions of what was really conducive to his
interest, and was not to be misled by specious appearances.
If my affection had not stimulated my diligence, I

should have found sufficient motives in the behavior of his
mother. She condescended to express her reliance on my
integrity and judgment. She was not ashamed to manifest,
at parting, the tenderness of a mother, and to acknowledge
that all her tears were not shed on her son's account. I
had my part in the regrets that called them forth.

During our absence, I was my master's constant attendant.
I corresponded with his mother, and made the conduct of
her son the principal theme of my letters. I deemed it my
privilege, as well as duty, to sit in judgment on his actions,
to form my opinions without regard to selfish considerations,
and to avow them whenever the avowal tended to benefit.
Every letter which I wrote, particularly those in which his
behavior was freely criticised, I allowed him to peruse. I
would, on no account, connive at, or participate in the slightest
irregularity. I knew the duty of my station, and assumed
no other control than that which resulted from the
avoiding of deceit, and the open expression of my sentiments.
The youth was of a noble spirit, but his firmness
was wavering. He yielded to temptations which a censor
less rigorous than I, would have regarded as venial, or,
perhaps, laudable. My duty required me to set before
him the consequences of his actions, and to give impartial
and timely information to his mother.

He could not brook a monitor. The more he needed
reproof, the less supportable it became. My company became
every day less agreeable, till at length, there appeared
a necessity of parting. A separation took place, but not as
enemies. I never lost his respect. In his representations
to his mother, he was just to my character and services.
My dismission was not allowed to injure my fortune, and his
mother considered this event merely as a new proof of the
inflexible consistency of my principles.

On this change in my situation, she proposed to me to
become a member of her own family. No proposal could
be more acceptable. I was fully acquainted with the character
of this lady, and had nothing to fear from injustice and
caprice. I did not regard her with filial familiarity, but my
attachment and reverence would have done honor to that
relation. I performed for her the functions of a steward.
Her estates in the city were put under my direction. She

placed boundless confidence in my discretion and integrity,
and consigned to me the payment, and in some degree, the
selection and government of her servants. My station was
a servile one, yet most of the evils of servitude were unknown
to me. My personal ease and independence were
less infringed than that of those who are accounted the
freest members of society. I derived a sort of authority
and dignity from the receipt and disbursement of money.
The tenants and debtors of the lady were, in some respects,
mine. It was, for the most part, on my justice and lenity
that they depended for their treatment. My lady's household
establishment was large and opulent. Her servants
were my inferiors and menials. My leisure was considerable,
and my emoluments large enough to supply me with
every valuable instrument of improvement or pleasure.

These were reasons why I should be contented with my
lot. These circumstances alone would have rendered it
more eligible than any other, but it had additional, and
far more powerful recommendations, arising from the character
of Mrs. Lorimer, and from the relation in which she
allowed me to stand to her.

How shall I enter upon this theme? How shall I expatiate
upon excellencies, which it was my fate to view in their
genuine colors, to adore with an immeasurable and inextinguishable
ardor, and which, nevertheless, it was my hateful
task to blast and destroy? Yet I will not be spared. I
shall find in the rehearsal, new incitements to sorrow. I
deserve to be supreme in misery, and will not be denied the
full measure of a bitter retribution.

No one was better qualified to judge of her excellencies.
A casual spectator might admire her beauty, and the dignity
of her demeanor. From the contemplation of those, he
might gather motives for loving or revering her. Age
was far from having withered her complexion, or destroyed
the evenness of her skin; but no time could rob her of the
sweetness and intelligence which animated her features. Her
habitual beneficence was bespoken in every look. Always
in search of occasions for doing good, always meditating
scenes of happiness, of which she was the author, or of distress,
for which she was preparing relief, the most torpid
insensibility was, for a time, subdued, and the most depraved

smitten by charms, of which, in another person, they would
not perhaps have been sensible.

A casual visitant might enjoy her conversation, might applaud
the rectitude of her sentiments, the richness of her
elocution, and her skill in all the offices of politeness. But
it was only for him, who dwelt constantly under the same
roof, to mark the inviolable consistency of her actions and
opinions, the ceaseless flow of her candor, her cheerfulness,
and her benevolence. It was only for one who witnessed
her behavior at all hours, in sickness and in health, her
management of that great instrument of evil and good,
money, her treatment of her son, her menials, and her kindred,
rightly to estimate her merits.

The intercourse between us was frequent, but of a peculiar
kind. My office in her family required me often to see
her, to submit schemes to her consideration, and receive her
directions. At these times she treated me in a manner,
in some degree, adapted to the difference of rank, and the
inferiority of my station, and yet widely dissimilar from that,
which a different person would have adopted, in the same
circumstances. The treatment was not that of an equal and
a friend, but still more remote was it from that of a mistress.
It was merely characterized by affability and condescension,
but as such it had no limits.

She made no scruple to ask my counsel in every pecuniary
affair, to listen to my arguments, and decide conformably
to what, after sufficient canvassings and discussions,
should appear to be right. When the direct occasions of
our interview were dismissed, I did not of course withdraw.
To detain or dismiss me was indeed at her option, but, if no
engagement interfered, she would enter into general conversation.
There was none who could with more safety to herself
have made the world her confessor; but the state of society in
which she lived, imposed certain limitations on her candor.
In her intercourse with me there were fewer restraints than
on any other occasion. My situation had made me more intimately
acquainted with domestic transactions, with her views
respecting her son, and with the terms on which she thought
proper to stand with those whom old acquaintance or kindred
gave some title to her good offices. In addition to all
those motives to a candid treatment of me, there were others

which owed their efficacy to her maternal regard for me,
and to the artless and unsuspecting generosity of her character.

Her hours were distributed with the utmost regularity,
and appropriated to the best purposes. She selected her
society without regard to any qualities but probity and
talents. Her associates were numerous, and her evening
conversations embellished with all that could charm the
senses or instruct the understanding. This was a chosen
field for the display of her magnificence, but her grandeur
was unostentatious, and her gravity unmingled with haughtiness.
From these my station excluded me, but I was compensated
by the freedom of her communications in the intervals.
She found pleasure in detailing to me the incidents
that passed on those occasions, in rehearsing conversations
and depicting characters. There was an uncommon portion
of dramatic merit in her recitals, besides valuable and curious
information. One uniform effect was produced in me by this
behaviour. Each day, I thought it impossible for my attachment
to receive any new accessions, yet the morrow was
sure to produce some new emotion of respect or of gratitude,
and to set the unrivalled accomplishments of this lady in a
new and more favorable point of view. I contemplated no
change in my condition. The necessity of change, whatever
were the alternative, would have been a subject of piercing
regret. I deemed my life a cheap sacrifice in her
cause. No time would suffice to discharge the debt of
gratitude that was due to her. Yet it was continually accumulating.
If an anxious thought ever invaded my bosom, it
arose from this source.

It was no difficult task faithfully to execute the functions
assigned to me. No merit could accrue to me from this
source. I was exposed to no temptation. I had passed the
feverish period of youth. No contagious example had contaminated
my principles. I had resisted the allurements of
sensuality and dissipation incident to my age. My dwelling
was in pomp and splendor. I had amassed sufficient to
secure me, in case of unforeseen accidents, in the enjoyment
of competence. My mental resources were not despicable,
and the external means of intellectual gratification
were boundless. I enjoyed an unsullied reputation. My

character was well known in that sphere which my lady
occupied, not only by means of her favorable report, but in
numberless ways in which it was my fortune to perform
personal services to others.