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NOTE.
It may amuse the reader to quote a chapter
from one of the serious works on the
fashions referred to in the beginning of the
Lecture. “THE SIMPLE COBBLER OF
AGAWAM,” the work from which it was
taken, was a classic of the sixteenth century,
written by a New England emigrant clergyman,
Rev. Nathaniel Ward. He thus discourses
of the lady fashions of New-England
of that day: —
“Should I not keepe promise in speaking
a little to Womens fashions, they would
take it unkindly: I was loath to pester better
matter with such stuffe; I rather thought
it meet to let them stand by themselves, like
the Quœ Genus in the Grammar, being Deficients,
or Redundants, not to be brought
under any Rule: I shall therefore make bold
for this once, to borrow a little of their loose
tongued Liberty, and mispend a word or
two upon their long-wasted, but short-skirted
no harme.
Ridentem dicere verum, quid prohibet?
That Language be adapted to the Theme
He that to Parrots speaks, must parrotize:
He that instructs a foole, may act th' unwise.
It is known more then enough that I am
neither Nigard, nor Cinick, to the due
bravery of the true Gentry: if any man mislikes
a bully mong drossock more then I, let
him take her for his labour: I honour the
woman that can honour her selfe with her
attire; a good Text alwayes deserves a fair
Margent: I am not much offended if I see a
trimme, far trimmer than she that wears it:
in a word, whatever Christianity or Civility
will allow, I can afford with London measure:
but when I heare a nugiperous Gentledame
inquire what dresse the Queen is in
this week: what the nudiustertian fashion
of the Court is; I meane the very newest:
with egge to be in it in all haste, what ever
it be; I look at her as the very gizzard of a
trifle, the product of a quarter of a cypher,
the epitome of nothing, fitter to be kickt, if
shee were of a kickable substance, than
either honour'd or humour'd.
To speak moderately, I truly confesse, it
is beyond the ken of my understanding to
conceive, how those women should have
any true grace, or valuable vertue, that have
so little wit, as to disfigure themselves with
such exotick garbes, as not only dismantles
their native lovely lustre, but transclouts
them into gant bar-geese, ill-shapen-shotten-shell-fish,
Egyptian Hyeroglyphicks, or at
the best into French flurts of the pastery,
which a proper English woman should
scorne with her heels: it is no marvell they
weare drailes on the hinder part of their
heads, having nothing as it seems in the
fore-part, but a few Squirrils brains to help
them frisk from one ill-favour'd fashion to
another.
Are empty thin brain'd shells, and fiddling Kits.
The very troublers and impoverishers of
mankind, I can hardly forbear to commend
to the world a saying of a Lady living some
time with the Queen of Bohemia, I know
not where shee found it, but it is pitty it
should be lost.
Women and care, and care and women, and women and care and trouble.
The Verses are even enough for such odde
pegma's. I can make my selfe sicke at any
time, with comparing the dazzling splender
wherewith our Gentlewomen were embellished
in some former habits, with the gut-foundred
goosdom, wherewith they are now
surcingled and debauched. Wee have about
five or six of them in our Colony: if I see
any of them accidentally, I cannot cleanse
my phansie of them for a moneth after. I
have been a solitary widdower almost twelve
yeares, purposed lately to make a step over
to my Native Country for a yoke-fellow:
but when I consider how women there have
tripe-wifed themselves with their cladments,
I have no heart to the voyage, least their
nauseous shapes and the Sea, should work
too sorely upon my stomach. I speak sadly;
me thinkes it should breake the hearts
of Englishmen to see so many goodly English-women
imprisoned in French Cages,
peering out of their hood-holes for some men
of mercy to help them with a little wit, and
no body relieves them.
It is a more common then convenient
saying, that nine Taylors make a man: it
were well if nineteene could make a woman
to her minde: if Taylors were men indeed,
well furnished but with meer morall principles,
they would disdain to be led about like
Apes, by such mymick Marmosets. It is a
most unworthy thing, for men that have
bones in them, to spend their lives in
making fidle-cases for futilous womens phansies;
which are the very pettitoes of infirmity,
the gyblets of perquisquilian toyes. I
am so charitable to think, that most of that
mystery would worke the cheerfuller while
they live, if they might bee well discharged
of the tyring slavery of mis-tyring women:
it is no little labour to be continually putting
up English-women into Out-landish caskes:
who if they be not shifted anew, once in a
few moneths, grow too sowre for their Husbands.
themselves when God shall take measure
of Taylors consciences is beyond my skill to
imagine. There was a time when
Did set our State into a Damask plight.
But now our Roses are turned to Flore de
lices, our Carnations to Tulips, our Gilliflowers
to Dayzes, our City-Dames, to an
indenominable Quæmalry of overturcas'd
things. Hee that makes Coates for the
Moone, had need take measure every noone;
and he that makes for women, as often, to
keepe them from Lunacy.
I have often heard divers Ladies vent
loud feminine complaints of the wearisome
varieties and chargable changes of fashions:
I marvell themselves preferre not a Bill of
redresse. I would Essex Ladies would lead
the Chore, for the honour of their County
and persons; or rather the thrice honourable
Ladies of the Court, whom it best beseemes:
who may well presume of a Le Roy
le veult from our sober King, a Les Seigneurs
ont Assentus from our prudent Peers, and the
like Assentus from our considerate, I dare
not say wife-worne Commons: who I believe
had much rather passe one such Bill, than
pay so many Taylors Bills as they are forced
to doe.
Most deare and unparallel'd Ladies, be
pleased to attempt it: as you have the precellency
of the women of the world for
beauty and feature; so assume the honour
to give, and not take Law from any, in matter
of attire: if ye can transact so faire a
motion among yourselves unanimously, I
dare say, they that most renite, will least
repent. What greater honour can your
Honors desire, then to build a Promontory
president to all foraigne Ladies, to deserve
so eminently at the hands of all the English
Gentry present and to come: and to confute
the opinion of all the wise men in the
world; who never thought it possible for
women to doe so good a work?
If any man think I have spoken rather
merrily than seriously he is much mistaken,
I have written what I write with all the
indignation I can, and no more than I ought.
I confesse I veer'd my tongue to this kinde
of Language de industria though unwillingly,
supposing those I speak to are uncapable
of grave and rationall arguments.
I desire all Ladies and Gentlewomen to
understand that all this while I intend not
such as through necessary modesty to avoyd
morose singularity, follow fashions slowly, a
flight shot or two off, shewing by their moderation,
that they rather draw countermont
with their hearts, then put on by their
examples.
I point my pen only against the light
heel'd beagles that lead the chase so fast,
that they run all civility out of breath
against these Ape-headed pullets, which
invent Antique foole-fangles, meerly for
fashion and novelty sake.
In a word, if I begin once to declaime
against fashions, let men and women look
well about them, there is somewhat in the
businesse; I confesse to the world, I never
had grace enough to be strict in that kinde;
and of late years, I have found syrrope of
pride very wholesome in a due Dos, which
makes mee keep such a store of that drugge
by me, that if any body comes to me for a
question-full or two about fashions, they
never complain of me for giving them hard
measure, or under-weight.
But I addresse my selfe to those who can
both hear and mend all if they please: I
seriously feare, if the pious Parliament doe
not find a time to state fashions, as ancient
Parliaments have done in some part, God
will hardly finde a time to state Religion or
Peace: They are the surquedryes of pride,
the wantonnesse of idlenesse, provoking
sins, the certain prodormies of assured judgement,
Zeph. 1. 7, 8.
It is beyond all account, how many Gentlemens
and Citizens estates are deplumed
by their feather-headed wives, what usefull
supplies the pannage of England would
afford other Countries, what rich returnes to
it selfe, if it were not slic'd out into male
and female fripperies: and what a multitude
of misimploy'd hands, might be better
improv'd in some more manly Manufactures
for the publique weale: it is not easily credible,
of Taylors in London: I have heard an
honest man say, that not long since there
were numbered between Temple-barre and
Charing-Crosse, eight thousand of that
Trade: let it be conjectured by that proportion
how many there are in and about London,
and in all England, they will appeare
to be very numerous. If the Parliament
would please to mend women, which their
Husbands dare not doe, there need not so
many men to make and mend as there are.
I hope the present dolefull estate of the
Realme, will perswade more strongly to
some considerate course herein, than I now
can.
Knew I how to bring it in, I would speak
a word to long haire, whereof I will say no
more but this: if God proves not such a
Barbor to it as he threatens, unlesse it be
amended, Esa. 7. 20. before the Peace of
the State and Church be well setled, then
let my prophesie be scorned, as a sound
minde scornes the ryot of that sin, and more
it needs not. If those who are termed Rat
tle-heads and Impuritans, would take up a
Resolution to begin in moderation of haire,
to the just reproach of those that are called
Puritans and Round-heads, I would honour
their manlinesse, as much as the others godlinesse,
so long as I knew what man or
honour meant: if neither can find a Barbours
shop, let them turne in, to Psal. 68.
21. Jer. 7. 29. 1 Cor. 11. 14. if it be thought
no wisdome in men to distinguish themselves
in the field by the Scissers, let it bee
thought no injustice in God, not to distinguish
them by the Sword. I had rather God
should know me by my sobriety, than mine
enemy not know me by my vanity. He is
ill kept, that is kept by his owne sin. A
short promise is a farre safer guard than a
long lock: it is an ill distinction which God
is loth to looke at, and his Angels cannot
know his Saints by. Though it be not the
mark of the Beast, yet it may be the mark
of a beast prepared to slaughter. I am sure
men use not to weare such manes; I am
also sure Souldiers use to weare other marklets
or notadoes in time of battell.
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