University of Virginia Library

TO THE RIGHT WORSHIPFUL THE
MAYOR, ALDERMEN, AND COMMON COUNCIL
OF THE
ANCIENT CITY OF GOTHAM.

RIGHT WORSHIPFUL:

It hath been from time immemorial
a subject of contention among the learned, whether
Osiris, Confucius, Zoroaster, Solon, Lycurgus, Draco,
Numa Pompilius, Mahomet, Peter the Great, Napoleon
Bonaparte, Jeremy Bentham, or the author of the New
Charter of Gotham, was, or is the greatest lawgiver.
Without diving into the abstruse profundity of this
knotty question, I myself am of opinion that it may be
easily settled, by putting them all out of sight at once,
as bearing no sort of comparison in the art of concocting
numerous laws, and multifarious enactments, with
your Honours of the Common Council. What constitutes
greatness, but bulk, numbers, and dimensions?
And who of all legislators, ancient or modern, can compare,
or as the vulgar say, hold a candle to your Honours,

in the length, breadth, profundity, and multiplicity
of your laws? I am credibly informed, and do believe,
that, provided all the enactments of your Honourable
Body (which, like the king, never dieth) were carefully
collected in good substantial volumes, bound in calf, they
would build another tower of Babel, and cause a second
confusion of tongues, to the utter discomfiture and
dispersion of the worthy citizens of Gotham.

It hath moreover been another question, which hath
from time to time sorely puzzled the learned, to wit,
whether offences do not multiply, exactly in proportion
to the multiplication of the laws. I myself, with
due submission, am inclined to believe that such is actually
the case; seeing all experience teaches us that
there is a pestilent itching in the blood towards the
practice of disobedience. To forbid children to go
ont of their bounds, is peradventure the most powerful
incitement thereto; and to caution them against dangers,
is the most infallible way of making them run
their heads into them. Even so with men and women,
who are morally certain to be put in mind of the pleasure
of transgressing, by the anticipation of punishment.
They actually persuade themselves there must
be something vastly delectable in the offence, to make
it necessary to denounce such severe penalties against
it. I do modestly assure your Honours, that no longer
ago than yesterday, I saw a child burn its fingers with
paper, for no other reason that I could perceive, than

because the mother had threatened to punish it if it did
so. As a further illustration, I will, with your Honours'
permission, instance the example of a decent,
well-behaved, and indeed exemplary horse I once
knew, who had been for years accustomed to pasture
at will, in a common appertaining to our township,
open on all sides to his excursions. Beyond this he
was never known to stray one step. But in process of
time, our little corporation, impelled by the ever busy
spirit of improvement, unluckily passed a law for
enclosing this common; and from that fatal era,
this horse seemed possessed with an invincible and
wicked propensity to trespass and go astray. From
being an example to all the animals of the town, he
degenerated into all sorts of irregularities; was pounded
three or four times a week; threshed out of other
people's enclosures; cudgelled from their barn-yards,
and finally, as I believe, wilfully drowned himself in a
swamp, where he never dreamed of going till this unfortunate
ordinance for enclosing the common. Having
thus illustrated my position by the example of both
reason and instinct, I will proceed to the prime objects
of this my humble Epistle Dedicatory, and Petition.

And firstly, my request is, that although, as I cannot
deny, there is a great plenty, not to say superabundance
of most valuable works, such as tracts, tales, romances,
improved grammars, spelling-books, classbooks,

and all that sort of thing, coming out every hour
of the day; yet is there a certain class of works, to
wit, those that nobody buys or reads, that lack legislative
encouragement and protection. Besides, your
Honours, even if this were not the case, your Honours
must be fully aware, that there are certain good things
of which the world cannot have too many, such as laws,
colleges, paper money, and paper books. If one
law is not sufficient, the spirit of the age requires another
exactly opposite in its provisions, so that approaching
as they do both before and behind, it is next to
impossible for a criminal to escape. So if there is not
sufficient liberality in the public, or sufficient love of
learned lore, to afford encouragement to one university,
the only remedy for such sore evils is to establish
another, inasmuch as that between two stools we may
certainly fall to the earth, which every body knows is
the most solid foundation after all for learning. In
respect to paper money, it is quite a sufficient indication
of the necessity of having plenty of that invaluable
commodity, to instance the avidity of every body
for more. Besides, if it were not for the establishment
of new banks, in a little while we should have no paper
money at all, seeing the number of old ones that become
bankrupt every day. The wear and tear of
these useful manufactories of paper, is such as to require
perpetual repairs. So in like manner with books,
which being for the most part forgot in a few weeks,
in consequence of the perpetual supplies of novelty,
it necessarily becomes proper to apply new stimulants
to the spirit of the age, and development of the
human mind. The insects that live but for a day, are
as the sands of the sea in number, and are succeeded
hour after hour, by new generations of insects who
glitter in the noontide sun, and perish in the first dews
of the evening.

Yet forasmuch as this multiplication and quick succession
of new books, is calculated to interfere with, and
circumscribe the circulation of this my work, which I
now lay at the feet of your Honours' munificence, I
therefore humbly beseech your Honours to afford it
your special protection, in the manner and form following,
to wit:

First. That you will cause the finance committee to
subscribe for a thousand or (not to be particular) two
thousand copies, and direct a warrant to be issued in
favour of your petitioner for the amount. Professing
himself a reasonable man, he hereby relinquishes all
right of demanding that your Honours should read
them.

Secondly. That your Honours will refer the tale,
entitled and called “The Azure Hose,” in this my
book, to the water committee, with directions to report
definitively a favourable criticism on its merits, some
time in the course of the present century, or as soon
thereafter as possible.

Thirdly. That your Honours will be pleased to refer
the tale, called “The Politician,” being the second of
the said book, unto the committee on applications for
office, with peremptory directions to nominate your petitioner
to some goot fat place, with a liberal salary and
nothing to do. Your humble petitioner, being by profession
an anti-busybody, will engage to neglect his
duties equal to any man living, except perhaps certain
of the street inspectors.

Fourthly. That your munificent, patriotic, and law-giving
Honours, will in like manner refer the tale of
“The Dumb Girl,” to a special committee of silence,
with instructions to say nothing on the subject. If a
sufficient number of silent members cannot be detected,
in your Honourable Body, your Honours will find
plenty in Congress.

Fifthly. That your Honourable Body will graciously
instruct the committee of arrangements for the fourth
of July, and other masticatory celebrations, not to forget
to invite your petitioner to the aforesaid jolly anniversaries,
as hath been the case ever since he had
the misfortune to empty a bottle of champaigne into
the right worshipful pocket of the late worthy and lamented
Alderman Quackenbush, of immortal memory.

Sixthly. That your munificent Honours, being as
you are the patrons of literature, the fine arts, and the
like thereof, will, as an honourable testimony to the benefits
this my work is likely to shower on the present

age and posterity, confer immortality on your humble
petitioner, by voting him the freedom of the city in a
gold box, taking especial care that it be not too large
to be converted into a convenient snuff-box.

Lastly. That your munificent Honours will take compassion
on all idle and useful citizens and strangers, who
having like your petitioner nothing to do, are very apt
to get tired; and in due time cause to be constructed a
suitable number of jolly, comfortable seats on the Battery,
well lined and stuffed, with seemly high backs, for
our special and exclusive accommodation. If your illustrious
and industrious Honours only knew how idle
your petitioner is, and what a horror he hath of a hard
bench without a back, you would shed tears at beholding
him luxuriating in agony on the Battery in the
beautiful summer twilight. Many a worthy citizen, as
he verily believes, hath been driven to the most enormous
excesses of tippling and debauchery, by the utter
impossibility of obtaining a moment's ease and relaxation,
upon those instruments of torture, miscalled
benches, and in a paroxysm of impatience cast himself
utterly away upon the quicksands of Castle Garden,
or the Battery Hotel.

And your petitioner shall ever vote, &c.