University of Virginia Library

10. CHAPTER X.
A CHAPTER RESPECTING WHICH THERE IS A DOUBT WHETHER
IT OUGHT TO BE INTRODUCED. N. B. — NONE BUT THE
PRINTER OBLIGED TO READ IT.

There is one point which, as faithful historian of Richard,
and his times and place, we shall be obliged to mention.
Yet, since it connects us with a controversy of a
nature equally intricate, obscure, and exciting, involving
such numbers of people, and one many of the parties to
which still survive, we would gladly omit it. Still, as the
narrative cannot proceed without allusions thereto, we address
ourselves to the task before us.

It was a question, in a word, of Cats and Dogs; yet, insignificant
as this may appear, there are few things in the
course of human affairs that have attained so much consequence,
or threatened so serious results. The origin of the
dispute it is not easy to trace, but its principal elements are
more readily deduced. Many years anterior to this tale, a
respectable individual of Woodylin had his cat worried by a
dog. A dispute arose with the owner of the dog. Families
were inflamed, neighborhoods took sides, and at last
the whole city was drawn into the controversy. One party
would have all the cats killed; the other denounced the dogs.

There was no harmony of purpose. Those who sought
to destroy the dogs wished to preserve the cats; on the
other hand, whoever was friendly to a dog became the
determined enemy of a cat. Two parties were formed, and
officered, and drilled, and propagated. The newspapers

espoused one doctrine or the other; and when Richard came
to the place, there were two dailies, discriminated according
to the sentiment of the times. One of these was called
The Catapult, a name borrowed from an ancient piece of
ordnance which was understood to have been employed
against cats. The other bore the name of Dogbane; the
sense of which is obvious. The people were sometimes
called Dogs, or Cats, according to their respective preferences.
The subject-matter was ordinarily denominated “Phumbics.”
The origin of this term cannot be discovered.

Phumbics, if I may so say, formed much of the spirit and
temper of the city, — became part of the popular feeling,
and entered into many public acts. It opened various and
lucrative offices. It determined the election of Mayor and
Aldermen; and sometimes, even, it was whispered that a
Clergyman owed his living to his peculiar phumbical sentiments.
Phumbical meetings were held; processions instituted,
and flags hoisted; there were phumbical Readinging-rooms
and Hotels.

Whenever the Dogbanians came into power, you would
perceive a violent tremor in all the streets and thoroughfares
of the city. Men, armed with stout clubs pursued the
objects of their fury; the yelping of dogs tormented the ear;
their blood glaired the sidewalks, and their carcasses filled
the docks.

These measures were of course retaliated, in the event of
a change of administration; the Dog-haters were hurled
from place, and the Cat-killers assumed the reins of affairs.
The hour of their operations was partly in the night, and
the scenes of their attack were chiefly the neighborhood of
houses. They scoured wood-sheds and barns; they chased
their victims through yards and gardens. Wherever a

mewing was heard, to that point scores of men were seen
staving and hallooing.

Of the merits of this controversy we shall not speak.
The leading arguments were these. The Dogbanians
asserted that dogs were dangerous; that they frequently
bit people, and dispensed that terrible malady, canine madness;
and were at all times the terror of the women and children.
The other party declaimed on the great annoyance
of cats; their terrific screams in the night, so detrimental
to the sick, and so hostile to the repose of every one. In
addition, their pilfering habits were portrayed, and elaborate
tables published showing the quantities of meat, poultry,
pies, etc., they annually wasted. The number of their
incursions into the larder and the cellar was reckoned up.
They allowed, indeed, the usefulness of the cat as rat-catcher
and hearth-rug companion; but their aversion chiefly vented
itself against so many foreign cats, and the endless multiplication
of cats. Foreign cats, they said, injured the utility
of our own cats; spoiled their habits, and prevented the
proper end for which the cat was designed.

The other party, again, commended dogs for their watchfulness
and sociability, and were willing that the race
should be preserved; and only sought to impose proper
restrictions upon it, and lessen its liability to evil.

They might have discriminated, and discrimination was
a word ever on their tongue. Yet, practically, were they
always in extremes; excited feeling, in this, as in most
human affairs, sweeping off the deliberateness of judgment.

Were there not some who perceived whatever advantages
and disadvantages pertained to both races, and who would
apply protection wherever it was deserved, and practise extermination
to the extent it was needed? There were; and
these were called fence-men, and had no repute. They

were accounted persons without decision and without judgment.
Whifflers, temporizers, trimmers, were the softest
epithets allowed them.

Let it not be implied that Phumbics was the sole-absorbing
topic of Woodylin. It was not; and only at critical
intervals — just before an election, or something of that
sort — did it rage.

It was, also, tacitly understood among the people, that
there were many subjects, occasions, and places, where it
was not admissible. For instance, it was a part of the constitution
of the Lyceum, that the question of Cats and Dogs
should be touched by no lecturer. The Sons of Temperance,
by solemn vote, decreed that it should not be named
in their halls. From the Pulpit it was supposed to be excluded,
and one Clergyman gave great offence, and was
charged with violating the comity of the times, by reading
a portion of Scripture, in which the exhortation occurs,
Beware of dogs. It was said he emphasized the words, and
uttered them with a peculiar snarl of the voice, whereby the
friends of that race were aggrieved. It was an interdicted
topic in schools; social parties were not expected to be disturbed
by it, and it was considered no ground of divorce
between man and wife.

It did determine the course of trade somewhat. Catapulters
transacted business with Catapulters, and Dogbanians
were expected to patronize Dogbanians. Yet a merchant
did not ordinarily ask after the Phumbics of his customer,
when a good bargain was on the threshold.

The even tenor of things, whether it be that of aversion
or amity, however, was interrupted by the rise of another
party, who called themselves Hydriatics, or Water-men.
They said the questions that had so long agitated the public
mind were trifling and useless, — that weightier issues

should be considered. Their doctrine was, that more water
should be used; that men ought to be washed, — the city
cleansed and purified. On these principles, they gained
many adherents; held public meetings, diverted men from the
old parties, and appeared with considerable force at the polls.
Their numbers were composed of simple and well-meaning
people. They established a paper, called The Rinser.

Now commenced what was called a triangular fight, each
party having to shoot two ways. But the old parties did not
unite and expel the new sect, — a thing which might easily
have been accomplished; rather they became more and more
embittered against each other. Still the Hydriatics were
the subjects of not a little abuse from both quarters. It was
said that it was not their real object to benefit the city, but
to arrive at its emoluments. “They would clean it, indeed,
by rifling its offices! Spunge the inhabitants! Undoubtedly.”
If a member of the old parties joined the new, he
was said to be a disappointed man, and reviled as a traitor.

The anti-dogs were, at one period, greatly excited. It
was mid-summer, and the Hydriatics were very active. It
got bruited that it was the object of these interlopers to
introduce water into the city, and set the dogs mad, and
fill the place with confusion and death; and out of the
general distress and alarm extract personal benefit, by plunder
or usurpation.

Diabolical plots and mischievous artifices were continually
discovered.

If we dwell at all on matters that are familiar to any of
our readers, it is that our distant friends, the Turks and
Tartars, may have a more complete insight into Life in the
New World.

The Editor of the Dogbane, a keen-eyed man, earnestly
devoted to the interests of the city, but quite sensitive to

innovation, writes, one morning, as follows: “A new ruse
of the Catapults! — The leaders of that party, who scruple
at nothing where their own interests are concerned, have
been known to be busy, for a long time, about the Hatters'
and Furriers' shops; and it is understood those trades have
consented to vote the opposition ticket. The secret is out.
These unprincipled demagogues, in case they come into
power, have bargained to make a free-gift of the skins of all
the cats that are killed to those artificers, who work them
into muffs and tippets.”

The Editor of the Catapult, likewise keen-eyed, very
Woodylian, but perhaps too much concerned for party,
replied, the next morning, in this wise: “Our neighbor,
across the River, need not attempt to pull wool or fur over our
eyes. He discloses his own baseness. The Apothecaries
have been bribed to desert the only principles on which the
good of the community depends, by a promise of a monopoly
in the sale of strichnine. The city, which is already largely
in debt for that article, is to pay whatever price infamy and
treachery shall demand.”

We clip the following from the papers of the time.

“Coalition! — Another Plate of Abominations!

“The Butchers have joined the Hydriatics, under a bargain
that if they carry the election the ordinance for the
throwing of the carcasses of cats and dogs into the River
shall be revoked! A more abominable device to ruin the
credit of Woodylin with the eating public could not have
been got up in the conclave below!”

“ —, who vociferated in the Catapultian caucus last
night, true to his instincts, is offended by the loss of a
favorite dog, which had bitten a horse and two children,

before it could be destroyed. Such selfishness is worthy of
the Catapults, and may they make the most of it!”

“ —, whom the Dogbanians have taken into favor,
is seeking reparation for injury done to his garden, in the
attempt to break up a nest of cats, whose hideous cries, under
the window of a sick neighbor, caused the patient to relapse
into fits. Pay the wretch!”

The Tanners, having got a charter for a Dog-hide Tanning
establishment, applied to Congress for an increase of
duty on that species of merchandise. This measure provoked
a singular hash in the public feeling. A violent
debate arose as to whether it would diminish the number
of dogs. Some said, of course it would, — it will kill them
off; others said, Nay, it will be a premium for their production.
Some, who hated high tariffs and dogs with equal
acerbity, went almost frantic with doubt and uncertainty.
Certain Catapulters, who were alike attached to high tariffs
and to dogs, were on the point of committing suicide. The
parties criminated and recriminated. Again, Catapulers
were seen electioneering for Dogbanians. Then they
charged all the evil on the Hydriatics, who had introduced
the project, they said, for the purpose of weakening both
the old parties, and aiding themselves. What gave color
to this suspicion, was the fact that the Tanners had negotiated
with the Hydriatics, in case they succeeded in their
plan of bringing an aqueduct into the city, for a supply of
water from that source for their establishment. The Butchers,
who had already gone over to the new party, it was
reported, were combining for the purchase of the carcasses.
The Tanners had, also, won over the Shoe-makers, and the
Leather-dealers. It was rumored that the Farmers in the
neighboring towns were making extensive preparations

for the raising of dogs; and such as had bark to sell,
were all agog in anticipation of a lively market. Then
it was suggested that Cat-skin tanning would come into
vogue, and works for that purpose be built, and new duties
demanded; and this created fresh consternation.

Where the matter might have ended, we cannot say, if
the dogs had not betimes taken the decision into their own
hands, and in mortal dread of the fate that awaited them,
wasted away, so that the Butchers would not have their
flesh, and their hides became too dry and crisp for the Tanners.

We repeat that Phumbics, except at brief periods, was
not an absorbing theme, save with those who made it a profession
and trade; and at the time Richard came to the
city, the excitement had materially exhausted itself. The
great interests of life, the diversified occupations of human
beings, the Family, the School, and the Church; trade and
manufactures; the farm, the factory, and the ship-yard;
wooing and marrying, preserved their balance, and exerted
their supremacy.