University of Virginia Library

VILLAGE WORTHIES.

Collier of Croydon.

As the neighbouring village is one of those
out-of-the-way, but gossipping little places,
where a small matter makes a great stir, it is
not to be supposed that the approach of a festival
like that of May-day can be regarded with
indifference; especially, since it is made a matter
of such moment by the great folks at the Hall.
Master Simon, who is the faithful factotum of
the worthy Squire, and jumps with his humour
in every thing, is frequent just now in his visits
to the village, to give directions for the impending
fête, and as I have taken the liberty occasionally
of accompanying him, I have been

enabled to get some insight into the characters
and internal politics of this very sagacious
little community.

Master Simon is in fact the Cæsar of the village.
It is true the Squire is the protecting
power, but his factotum is the active and busy
agent. He intermeddles in all its concerns;
is acquainted with all the inhabitants and their
domestic history; gives counsel to the old folks
in their business matters, and the young folks
in their love affairs, and enjoys the proud satisfaction
of being a great man in a little world.

He is the dispenser too of the Squire's charity,
which is bounteous; and, to do Master Simon
justice, he performs this part of his functions
with great alacrity. Indeed, I have been entertained
with the mixture of bustle, importance,
and kind heartedness which he displays. He
is of too vivacious a temperament to comfort
the afflicted by sitting down moping and whining
and blowing noses in concert, but goes
whisking about, like a sparrow, chirping consolation
into every hole and corner of the village.

I have seen an old woman, in a red cloak, hold
him for half an hour together with some long
phthisical tale of distress, to which Master Simon
listened, with many a bob of the head,
smack of his whip, and other symptoms of impatience;
though he afterwards made a most
faithful and circumstantial report of the case to
the Squire. I have watched him, too, during
one of his pop visits into the cottage of a superannuated
villager, who is a pensioner of the
Squire's; where he fidgetted about the room
without sitting down; made many excellent off-hand
reflections, with the old invalid, who was
propped up in his chair, about the shortness of
life, the certainty of death, and the necessity of
“preparing for that awful change;” quoted
several texts of scripture very incorrectly, but
much to the edification of the cottager's wife;
and on coming out pinched the daughter's rosy
cheek, and wondered what was in the young
men that such a pretty face did not get a husband.

He has, also, his cabinet councillors in the
village, with whom he is very busy just now,
preparing for the May-day ceremonies. Among
these is the village tailor, a pale-faced fellow, that
plays the clarionet in the church choir, and being
a great musical genius, has frequent meetings of
the band at his house, where they “make night
hideous” by their concerts. He is, in consequence,
high in favour with Master Simon; and
through his influence has the making, or rather
marring, of all the liveries of the Hall, which generally
look as though they had been cut out by
one of those scientific tailors of the Flying Island
of Laputa, who took measure of their customers
with a quadrant. The tailor, in fact, might rise
to be one of the monied men of the village, if he
were not rather too prone to gossip, and keep
holydays, and give concerts, and blow all his
substance, real and personal, through his clarionet;
which literally keeps him poor both in
body and estate. He has for the present thrown
by all his regular work, and suffered the breeches
of the village to go unmade and unmended,

while he is occupied in making garlands of parti-coloured
rags, in imitation of flowers, for the
decoration of the May-pole.

Another of Master Simon's councillors is the
apothecary, a short, and rather fat man, with a
pair of prominent eyes that diverge like those of
a lobster. He is the village wise man; very
sententious, and full of profound remarks on
shallow subjects. Master Simon often quotes
his sayings, and mentions him as rather an extraordinary
man; and even consults him occasionally
in desperate cases of the dogs and horses.
Indeed, he seems to have been overwhelmed by
the apothecary's philosophy, which is exactly
one observation deep, consisting of indisputable
maxims, such as may be gathered from the mottoes
of tobacco boxes. I had a specimen of his
philosophy in my very first conversation with
him; in the course of which, he observed, with
great solemnity and emphasis, that “man is a
compound of wisdom and folly;” upon which
Master Simon, who had hold of my arm, pressed
very hard upon it, and whispered in my ear,
“that's a devilish shrewd remark!”