 | The American lounger, or, Tales, sketches, and legends, gathered in sundry journeyings |  |
SPHEEKSPHOBIA;
OR, THE
ADVENTURES OF ABEL STINGFLIER, A.M.
A TRAGIC TALE.
A throat of brass inspired with iron lungs.
Dryden.
One sultry summer afternoon, in eighteen hundred
and thirty-five, I was riding with my umbrella held
perpendicularly above my head, and at an easy amble
—for the sun was fiery hot, and I had travelled far—
through the principal street of Port Gibson, one of the
pleasantest villages in the state of Mississippi. As I
was about to cross a long and venerable looking
bridge, on the northern outskirts of the town, I was
startled by a loud and prolonged outcry behind me, as
if its utterer was in imminent peril and great bodily
fear. I turned my head, at the same time reining up, and
beheld a strange figure swiftly approaching me, sending
forth at the same time the most lamentable cries,
the last still louder than the preceding. But his voice
did not so much surprise me, as the eccentricity of his
locomotion and the oddity of his appearance. He was
a tall and gaunt man, without hat or shoes, and a calico
scholar's gown streamed behind him in the wind,
direct, but zig-zag: now he would dart with velocity
to the right, and now as swiftly to the left, anon plunging
under the bushes lining the road-side, and then
diving down, and scrambling on all-fours in the middle
of the road, kicking his heels into the air, and tossing
the dust about him in clouds, so as to render him
for the time invisible: he would then rise again with
a fearful yell, and bolt forward in a right line, as if
charging at me, filling the air with his cries all the
while, and waving his arms wildly above his head,
which at intervals received blows from his desperate
fists, each one sufficient to fell an ox. I gazed in admiration
on this singular spectacle, it may be, not without
some misgivings of personal damage, to qualify
which, in some degree, I turned the head of my horse,
so as to interpose it between my person and the
threatened danger. Onward he came, enveloped in a
cloud of dust, and the best speed human legs
could bestow; and disdaining to fly, I prepared to
meet the charge as firmly as the valiant knight of La
Mancha would have done in the same circumstances.
My steed, however, showed the better part of valor,
and, notwithstanding much coaxing and soothing, began
to wax skittish, and as the danger grew more imminent,
he suddenly made a demi-volte across the
bridge, and turned broadside to the enemy, which was
close aboard of us, thereby effectually blockading the
highway. Hardly had he effected this change in his
position, before the madman or apparition, for I deemed
it to be one or the other, coming in “such a questionable
shape,” instead of leaping upon me like a hyena,
as I anticipated, drove, and with a mortal yell passed
clean under my horse's belly, and, before he could diminish
his momentum, disappeared over the parapetless
bridge into the river beneath. On hearing the
plunge I alighted from my horse, who was not a little
terrified at the unceremonious use the strange being
bank of the stream, and as the diver rose to the
surface, which he did after a brief immersion, a few
yards below the bridge, seizing him by the skirts of his
long gown, I dragged him on shore. Gathering himself
up slowly, he at length, after much spluttering and
blowing, and catching of his breath, stood upright on
his legs; then grasping my hand by dint of a great
deal of gulping and sobbing—for the poor man could
barely articulate for want of wind—he essayed to express
his thanks for my timely aid, without which, he
asseverated, he should assuredly “have died in the
flood of great waters which passed over his soul; but
that he had been saved from the great deep, and also
from the barbed arrow of the pursuer, from which latter
danger, by the help of the Lord and my horse, and
peradventure through his sudden ablution, he had marvellously
been delivered.”
The speaker was a tall, spare man, with thin flanks,
broad shoulders, and high cheek bones, having a Scottish
physiognomy, with an homely expression of Yankee
shrewdness and intelligence. His long, sharp nose,
flanked by hollow cheeks, his peaked chin, and lantern
jaws, made up a configuration, which has not been inaptly
been denominated a “hatchet face.” His mouth
was of formidable width, garnished with very firm,
white teeth, generously displayed by the flexibility of
his loose lips, which, whenever he spoke, retired as it
were from before them. His eyes were of a pale
blue color, round and prominent, hereby promising, to
speak phrenologically, the organ of language large,
which promise his lingual attainments, as subsequently
ascertained by me, did not belie. A pair of red,
shaggy brows, projected over them, like a well wooded
crag; they were rather darker than his hair, which,
if owned by a lady, I should term auburn; but growing
as it did on a male pow, which for ruggedness of
outline, might have been hewn into its present shape
age might have been forty; and in his stockings as he
now was, he stood no less than six feet one inch in height
—of which goodly length of limb and body, a pair of
white drilling trowsers, woollen short hose, a cotton
shirt, with a broad ruffle, and his long calico gown
aforesaid, constituted the only outward teguments.
From all points, including the points of his chin and
nose, and every available corner of his strait and matted
hair, here, in continuous streams—there, in large
drops, chasing one another in quick succession, the
water descended towards the earth from the person of
this dripping Nereus, while the woful expression his
physiognomy, which judging from the combination of
features it exhibited, was naturally sufficiently lugubrious,
was now enhanced ten-fold. His first act on
getting to his feet, and after gazing wildly about in the
air, and minutely surveying his person, as if in search
of something which he dreaded to encounter, was to
grasp my hand, and gasping for breath, at intervals
strive to articulate his thanks for the service I had rendered
him. Although I could not but smile at his
ludicrous figure and aspect, I felt disposed to commiserate
and serve one whom I believed not to be in his
right mind, in which opinion I was confirmed when
he alluded to an “armed pursuer,” whom he seemed
every now and then to seek in the air, there having
been none yet visible to my eyes.
At my suggestion, and with my assistance, he stripped
off his gown, and by dint of twisting it into a sort
of a rope—a process well understood by the washer-woman—we
expelled the water, visibly to the comfort
of its unfortunate owner, who thrust his lengthy
arms into its sleeves again, with an ejaculation or grunt
of satisfaction. The once gentleman-like ruffle, shorn
of its honors of starch and plaiting, hung saturated
and melancholy upon his broad breast: this we saw
was a damage irremediable: and altogether passing
to the cuticle like a super-hide, the aqueous gentleman
gravely and silently seated himself upon the
bank, and pulled off his short hose (whose brevity, it
should have been before remarked, in conjunction with
the brevity of his pantaloons, left at all times an inch
of his brawny shins visible in the interstices,) and having
rung them vigorously, drew them on again with
much labor, ejaculating at intervals, “hic labor est,
hic labor est, quidem,” being now shrunk to one third
of their original size, before covering the ancle, whereas,
now, only aspiring to that altitude with full two inches
of interval. Then rising and rubbing the water
out of his thick hair, with the skirt of his gown, he
addressed me, as I was about to re-ascend the bank to
my horse, seeing that my Samaritan-like services were
no longer in requisition. His face was now dry, and
he had recovered both his voice and self-possession—
and so collected was the expression of his eyes, and so
sedate his demeanor, that I changed my opinion as to
his sanity, and believed that he must have been under
the influence of some inexplicable terror, when he accomplished
those gymnics I have described, which
were so foreign to his present respectable appearance
and discreet deportment. I therefore listened with
some curiosity to what he was about to utter, anticipating
a strange éclaircissement.
“Certes, my friend, I should feel inclinated to be
facetious at this expose, as it may be termed, of my
natural infirmity, but I never was more sorely
pressed. Verily, the danger was imminent that beset
me! Periissem ni periissem: by ablution was I
saved from greater detriment. That I should have
passed beneath the stomach of your equus, or steed,
is a rudeness that calleth for an or apology,
which herewith I formally tender, as is befitting one,
whose vocation lieth in instilling the humane letters
into the minds of the rising generation. Verily I could
fears should have betrayed me into such unseemly
and indiscreet skipping and prancing, like one non
compos mentis, rather than grave senior and instructor
of youth. Surely, experience hath long shown me,
that in these flights, cursus non est levare, which
being interpreted, signifieth—the swift of foot fleeth
in vain. Reascend thy steed, my friend, and I will
accompany thee to yonder hostelry or inn, where,
peradventure, through the agency of mine host's
kitchen fire, I may restore my garments to their pristine
condition, and there will I unfold the causes of
these effects, to which thou hast but now borne witness.”
Remounting my horse, the stranger gravely strode
along by the bridle, until we came to the tavern he
had pointed out, when inviting me in, he led the way
into a little parlor adjoining the bar-room, and closing
the door behind him mysteriously, he placed a vacant
chair for me on one side of a small stand, while he
occupied another opposite. After a short and rather
awkward silence, during which he leaned his arms
upon the table, and manifested much embarrassment,
while the blood mounted to his forehead, as if he felt
that he was about to make a humiliating explanation
—an inkling of humor, nevertheless, lurking the while
about his mouth and in the corner of his eye, as if he
felt a disposition to smile at what really gave him
pain. I therefore remarked that, although I felt a
certain degree of curiosity to learn the causes which
led to his catastrophe, I did not wish him to feel that
the circumstances of our meeting called in the least for
the extension of his confidence towards me, and that
if it gave him pain to make the explanation he had
volunteered, I should insist upon his withholding it;
and thus speaking, I rose to leave the room, and pursue
my journey.
“Of a surety, friend,” he said, laying his hand lightly
inward emotions. It is true I possess not the moral
virtus, or courage, needful to the laying open of my
weakness. But thou shalt not be disappointed; that
which I have spoken, I will do; leave me thy name
and place of abode, and by course of post I will transmit
in writing that, which from malus pudor, or foolish
shamefacedness, I have not the tongue to give thee
orally, and so shalt thou be informed of the vis-a-tergo,
which is to say, the rearward propelling force,
which urged me so discourteously beneath your
steed, and into the deep waters; and moreover, of that
which hath been the cause of all my terrestrial trials,
yea, even an arrow under my fifth rib.”
This was uttered like his former language, with a
nasal twang, and in a slow and peculiar manner, with
a distinct articulation of every syllable, and accenting
the participial termination, ed, and the adverbial, ly,
with an emphatic drawl.
Leaving my address with this singular character,
with my curiosity no ways abated, I resumed my
journey. Three weeks afterwards, I received the following
manuscript, inclosed in a stout envelope of
brown paper, superscribed in handsome and clear chirography,
which was evidently penned with elaborate
care, and post marked Paid: besides the address to
the superscription were appended the following words:
“Covering seven sheets of Foolscap, with an Epistle.
These with speed and carefulness,” which were
written in somewhat smaller character than the superscription,
and near the left hand corner.
Omitting the writer's learned epistle, addressed to
myself confidentially—slightly revising the style,
which was cumbrous, somewhat prolix, and pedantic,
and extracting about one-half of the Greek, Latin, and
French quotations and phrases, unsuited to the present
prevailing taste, with which it was interlarded—
like the lemons, cloves and raisins generously sprinkled
manuscript as I received it from the author.
“I am an unfortunate victim of Entomology: not of
the science, but of every species of insect of which the
science treateth; more especially the bee, wasp, and
hornet, and all and singular of the irritabile genus,
besides the horn-bug, dragon-fly, and each and every
of those loud-humming insects that buzz about at
night—yea verily the whole tribe of or insects,
are my aversion, from which I stand in bodily terror,
the comparatively harmless house, or domestic fly,
herein not even excepted. My life has been a period
of discomfort and torture on account thereof—more
especially in the seasons when Sirius or the Dog star
rageth. This or fear, I sucked in with my
mother's milk, herself an insect-fearing woman, who
stepped into a nest of wasps two months before my
birth, the whole ireful population of which pursued
her half a mile—whereby, on my being brought into
the world, the mark of a wasp of vast dimensions,
truncus, thorax, proboscis and sternum, not to forget
alæ and pedes, was plainly visible to the eyes of the
admiring midwife and her cronies, in the small of my
back: hinc illæ luchrymæ! This fear, therefore, is
maternal, originating in the ros vetulis, as Virgil expresseth
it; and therefore being natural, cannot be
combatted with effectually, and overcome. The first
time of which my memory is authentic, that I gave
symptoms of possessing this hereditary horror of
winged and stinging insects, a horror which has
drugged with bitterness the cup of my sublunary existence,
was at the tender age of three years, I being
then a stout, well-grown boy to be in petticoats, as I
remember that I was. I was sitting in the back-door
sunning myself, for it was summer, and quietly sucking
a lump of molasses candy, when I heard all at once
a fierce buzzing in the vicinage of my left ear, whereupon,
without knowing or understanding its cause, I
sent forth a loud cry. The buzzing continued to grow
louder and approach nearer, and my cries increased
proportionably. At length the object of my terror
and the instigator of my cries, in the shape of a formidable
honey-bee, ubi mel, ibi apes, saith M. Plautus,
which is no doubt equally true of molasses, lit upon
the tip of my nose, lavishly besmeared with the candy,
which I had been diligently conveying to my mouth.
Clinging there, he balanced himself with his wings,
and staring me in the face with his great glaring eyes,
for my infant fears marvellously magnified his oculi,
he proceeded with the greatest sang froid, as the
French tongue happily expresseth it, briskly to convey
with his proboscis the candy from my nose to his stomach—brandishing
his antennæ, or horns, all the
while to and fro before my eyes, in a manner dreadful
to witness, to hold me as it were in terrorem. I
was paralysed with fear, and lost the command of
every bodily member, save my tongue—which, for
the time, I may truthfully asseverate, did duty for all
the rest. There chanced to be no soul in the house at
this crisis; and although any one, even half a mile distant,
could have heard my piteous voice uplifted in
the notes of unlimited terror, yet my mother, whose
name rose loudest upon my tongue, did not come to
my relief, until I had been allowed, for full five minutes,
to ring a gamut upon her monosyllabic maternal
appellation, with every possible variation familiar
to infant lungs. At length she entered at the top of
her speed, and with her voice pitched to a scolding
key, when she espied my condition, and the extent of
my misfortnnes. Her tongue then struck up a treble
to my tenor, and snatching up a broom, she advanced
it like a pike, edging round until she got in front of
me, and then made a desperate charge against the
rear of our mutual foe, who had thus taken me in the
van, and with her whole force thrust the end of the
same time flat on my back, while she followed up her
success by standing over me and imprisoning the
enemy, by pressing the broom firmly down on my
face. As the spiculæ of this female weapon assailed
the bee on the tergum, he sounded a sharp note of
alarm, and inserting his aculeus, or sting, into my unoffending
nose, therein instilled a sufficient modicum
of poison; and then deliberately depressing the barbs
of his sting, he drew it forth and secreted himself
among the straws of the broom, (for my mother, good
woman, by holding stoutly against my face, twisting
and working it, in the attempt to immolate the monster,
gave him ample time for this,) from which, when
she finally removed it, he effected his escape, by darting
through the door, with a quick trumpet-like sound,
no doubt a pæan in honor of his victory. What with
the broom and the sting, one of which pricked and
nearly suffocated me, while the other penetrated to
the quick, I now began to yell to a pitch, in comparison
with which, my previous roaring forsooth, was
but the wailing of a new-born infant. I rolled over
the floor with my nose in my fist, and would not be
comforted. But I will not dwell upon this early reminiscence;
it is but the first of a series of misfortunes
—the memorabilia of my life—such as few men have
lived to experience.
“Although not a summer's day passed that I did not
endure corporeal fear from the approach of insecta,
there are five important periods or crises of my life,
when my evil star reigned especially malignant. One
of these, which I have just recorded, is, peradventure,
of small moment, but the subject of it was but small
at that time. Each, however, thou wilt observe, increased
in importance as my shoulders expanded for
its burden, verily greater at seasons than I could well
bear. My second crisis was at the puerile age of
eleven.
“I was seated in school, near an open window, when
a little girl on the outside offered to barter a basket of
blackberries with me, for two large red cheeked apples,
balancing each other in my jacket pockets. I
slyly effected the exchange, `the master' (as New
England instructors are very improperly termed—Instructor
being the proper and more respectable appellative,)
having his back turned, and poured the berries
into my hat, which I placed in my lap beneath
the bench, and forth with began eating them one by
one with my forefinger and thumb, my eyes the while
immoveably fixed on my open book, (alas! how early
do we begin to practise deceit!) when, at length, in
the midst of my delectable feast, I was conscious of a
strange, portentous titillation upon my forefinger,
which sensation gradually extended along the member
towards the hand. I trembled from a sort of presentiment
of the cause, and fearfully looked down,
when, monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens! as
Maro hath it, I beheld a tight-laced, long-legged, yellow-streaked
wasp, with a sticky, sluggish motion,
dragging his slow length along the back of my hand,
his wings and feet, clotted with the juice of the berries,
among which he had till now been secreted,
whether designedly or not, I will not be so uncharitable
as to determine, albeit, my playmates, aware of
my weakness did not refrain when occasion offered,
from putting upon me unpleasant jests of this nature.
When I beheld the wasp (it was an individual of the
species called the yellow-jacket, exceedingly venomous
and ferocious of aspect,) I incontinently uplifted
my voice in such a cry—Scotticé a skirl, as birch nor
ferule never expelled from the lungs of luckless urchin
within those walls—long, loud, and territic, subsiding
only, to be renewed on a higher key. At the same
time stretching forth my hand, upon which clung the
dreaded object which I had not the power to touch,
fearing lest the attempt to dislodge him, would be the
leaped from the window with a loud yell, which was
echoed sympathetically by the whole school, and with
my hand waving in the air, which I filled with my
cries, directed my course for home, a third of a mile
distant, with all the boys of the school let loose, and
shouting like a pack of devils born, at my heels. In
my career, I remember leaping over two cows lying
and quietly ruminating in my path, and that I run full
tilt against the deacon, sending hat, wig and deacon
in three diverse directions. After running a muck, as
Mr. Pope useth the word, through the village, I attained
my father's house, into which I broke without
lifting latch, so impetuous was my course—and crying
in a loud voice, “a wasp! a wasp!” thrust my
arm (for the insect had now crawled up to my elbow)
before my mother's eyes. It chanced that, as I entered
she was lifting from the fire a pot of boiling
water, in which she intended to scald a couple of barn
door fowls, for the meridian meal. Alarmed at my
cries and sudden appearance, and terrified beyond
measure at beholding the terrible insect thrust so near
her face, and at the same time trembling on account
of my own danger, with something between a yell
and a shriek, she grappled the handle of the pot with
one hand and its bottom with the other, and dashed
the scalding contents over my arm and body. With
a yell finale, I again darted out through the door,
leaving the wasp scalded to death on the floor. Encountering
on the outside the host of my schoolmates,
who were running towards the house, I passed
through their midst like a rocket, giving blows to the
right and left, and leaving, as I was afterwards told,
five prostrate upon the earth. At length, exhausted
through fatigue and suffering, I fell in the street in a
swoon, and was carried home and put to bed, from
whence I rose not until two painful months had expired.
The two periods I have recorded, involved
two, record distresses both mental and physical. The
third period, which may, with reverence, be denominated
the third plague of insects, happened at college
in my twenty-first year. I have enjoyed the benefit
of collegiate erudition, although my mother had in
her maidenly estate been of the sect called Quakers,
and my father was a preacher after the Methodist
persuasion—neither sect, in that day, distinguished
patrons of the humane letters. My mother had seceded
from the Society of Friends, yet retained their
simplicity of language and manners, at least so far, as
a naturally sharp temper would allow; Certes, it may
not be concealed that the neighboring gossips averred
that she was too fond of that spousely privilege of
scolding, to be a Quaker, and therefore had come
over to a more liberal faith. However this may be,
she exhibited in her person the opposite characters of
a scolding wife and demure Quaker, as the thermometer
rose or fell, tempered nevertheless, with a little
of the leaven of Methodism. My father was a sturdy
apostle, morose and gloomy, given to antique phraseology
in his speech, after the manner of my grandfather,
who was a staunch old Presbyterian. Therefore,
between the three, my domestic education and
habits, were like Joseph's coat of many colors, and
when I arrived to the years of discretion, it would
have been a hard matter to determine, which preponderated
most in my character, the Methodist,
the Quaker, or Scotch Presbyterian. The second
person thou, and its objective singular thee, I nevertheless
always use colloquially; firstly, from maternal
induction, and secondly, that it is classical, and
moreover well approved by scriptural and ancient
usage, and I am somewhat given to philological antiquarianism—a
lover, or as the Gallic hath it, an amateur
of antique customs of phraseology.
“I had assumed the toga virilis, and passed through
my quadrennial course, how I might here mention,
suffice it to say, that I was appointed to a thesis on the
day of commencement, that I ascended the rostrum,
or stage, made my obeisance to the audience, and forthwith
began to declaim with sonorous enunciation. I
had got in the midst of my thesis, and, flattered by the
attentive silence with which I was listened to, I grew
warm with my theme; my right arm was stretched
forth with a rhetorical flourish, my eyes were illuminated
and sparkling with excitement, and my brows
were flushed as I threw my whole soul into the rush
of eloquence (verily the reminiscence maketh me eloquent
even now,) and I was altogether on what may
be termed the high horse of success and public admiration,
when, mirabile dictu, as Virgil hath it on a
less occasion, suddenly an ominous and well-known
buzzing above my head fell like a knell on my ears.
Be it premised, that the meeting-house in which the
commencement exercises were held, was decorated
with evergreens, and adorned with numerous sweet-scented
flowers, with one of which, I had, in my
youthful vanity, graced the button-hole of my white
waistcoat. I lifted my eyes at the sound, more dreadful
to my tympanum than the horn of the hunter to the
timid deer, and beheld my hereditary foe, in the shape
of a long, slender, yellow-ringed wasp, darting in wild
gyrations above my head, and at each revolution, approaching
nearer and more near to my ill-fated person.
Vox faucibus hæsit, as Virgil again expresseth it, my
voice clung to my jaws, my extended arm remained
motionless, and with my eyes fastened, as if fascinated,
upon the intruder, I lost all presence of mind, every
other consideration being swallowed up in the consideration
of my great peril. I stood nearly the space
of one minute, the audience being all the while silent as
the grave, as if transfixed and petrified, exhibiting no
signs of life save in my eyes, which followed the eccentric
circles of my foe as he wheeled around my
of his aerial corkscrew, the pillar of salt into which the
wife of Lot was converted, did not stand firmer or
more motionless. Gradually contracting his spiral
circles he came close to my head, and then with a sudden
movement roared past my ear and settled upon
the fragrant flower adorning, vanitas vanitatis, my
waistcoat. The roar of his passage past my ear, augmented
in my imagination to that of a dragon (provided
always there be such creatures, and being such
if they do roar, which are points controverted by the
learned) and his fearful attack upon my person, was a
consummation which restored me to the use of my
paralyzed faculties. My first act was to leap from the
rostrum with a suppressed cry, and seize a branch of
hemlock, thrust it towards the nearest person, who
happened to be a lady, and make signs for her to brush
it off. I never had dared to snap them off or disturb
them. My mother, whose conversation (as those
who fear ghosts, most love to hold midnight converse
about them) was prolific on this theme, had early inducted
me into the most approved plans of conduct,
when one of the irritabile genus approached or lit on
the person. One of her rules was, `never to snap it
off, for it is sure to sting before it fly; but run and let the
wind blow it off.' Another was, `if it will still stay on,
then get some other person to brush it off and its anger
will be turned from you to that obliging person.”
These rules of action, and many others, were fresh in
my memory, and I was at all times religiously governed
by them.
“The branch of hemlock chanced to be attached to
a festoon connecting a succession of others around the
pulpit, where sate the President in all the dignity
which an austere air, a corpulent person, a broad brim
could confer, presiding over the exercises of the hour.
Immediately behind him rose to some height a young
eradicated pine tree, whose pyramidal summit formed
answering in relation thereto, to the stake which upholds
the drooping centre of a clothes-line. At my
attack the whole paraphernalia gave way, pine tree
and all, with a tremendous rustling and crashing, carrying
away in its headlong rush the President's broad
brim and one of the capacious sleeves of his black silk
gown or surplice, his reverend dignity alone saving
himself from sharing the same fate by ducking beneath
the balustrade of the pulpit and permitting the danger
to pass over him, which it did, descending upon the
respected heads and sacred persons of the honorable
Board of Trustees sitting beneath. The uproar and
confusion—laughter mingled with exclamations, was
without limit, and while every soul seemed to be absorbed
in the crash and its consequences, I, the luckless
author of the whole demolition, saw, heard, felt
and was conscious of nothing but the presence of the
dreaded insect, that had fastened on me, who was now,
having evacuated the flower, hastily effecting a retreat
within the gaping bosom of my shirt. My tremendous
pull at the twig, left it however in my hands, and
while the wreck of matter was going on above and
around me, oblivious of all else save my own peculiar
misery, I darted, as I have before said, toward an
elderly maiden lady, and thrusting the branch in her
unwilling hand, cried in a loud voice, `brush it off!
oh brush it off!' So impetuously did I thrust it towards
her, that I lost my equilibrium and fell into her
lap, entangling as I fell, the branch of hemlock in her
red curls, which, as is the fashion among women, were
only attached to her head, and as I rolled from her profaned
lap to the floor, I carried with me on the branch
waving like pennons, the elderly maiden lady's false
and fiery tresses appended thereto. She lifted up her
voice and screamed with combined affright, rage and
mortification, and jumping up she stamped upon me
as I lay at her feet in ungovernable ire. `But there
or English words of the proverb, the original Latin
having slipped my memory.) The wasp, the direct
cause of all the mischief, who had adhered to me like
my evil angel, received the full weight of her heel on
the tergum and was crushed to atoms, upon the snow
white bosom of my shirt. I heard every section of
his body crack, and as I listened I felt a savage joy fill
my breast, tempered, however, as I now remember, by
an incipient apprehension, lest even in death, he might
avenge his fall by penetrating my linen and cuticle
with his sting.
Now that the danger was over, I had time to reflect
for an instant and feel the ridiculous peculiarity of my
situation, and at once decided upon taking to flight, to
escape facing the audience. The next moment I was
on my feet, and forcing my way to the door fled towards
the college, as if a whole nest of hornets was
in full cry in pursuit, followed by a motley crowd,
who are comprised in the French word canaille, some
shouting “there goes dragon-fly—there goes bumblebee!
Stop thief! murder!” and all the various cries the
populace are used to utter, when they pursue, without
knowing why or wherefore, the wretch who fleeth.
The next day I departed from the scene of my disgrace
and disaster, and in course of time found myself
in the pleasant village of Geneva in the western part
of the state of New York, teacher of a respectable
school. I may say here in passing, that from inclination
I have adopted teaching as a profession—for
although not ranked among the learned professions it
verily should be. This profession or vocation I still
pursue, even here, far off in Mississippi, whither my
wanderings have at length driven me.
The fourth plague of stings was when I had attained
the discreet age of thirty-one years, I being then a
resident and schoolmaster of the then infant town of
Rochester, having taught with divers degrees of success
I departed from after a sojourn there of twelve calendar
months. Having laid by a small store of worldly
coin, and being held generally in good repute among
my neighbors, I began to bethink me that it was best
to take unto myself a wife, according to the commandment.
When I came to this resolve I, the next Sunday,
cast my eyes about the church to see on whom
my choice should light, revolving in my mind, as my
eyes wandered from one bonnet to another, the capabilities
of each for the dignity of mater-familias to
Instructer Stingflyer (for such is my patronymic, my
given name being Abel) when I decided propounding
the question of matrimony to Miss Deborah, or as she
was called among her acquaintance and kinsfolk, Miss
Debby Primruff, an excellent maiden lady, only a few
years my senior, tall, straight, comely, and withal fairhaired.
Turning the subject over in my mind during
the week while the scholars were engaged at their
tasks, and seeing no cause to change my mind, I arranged
myself on Saturday evening in my Sunday suit
of black broadcloth, took my walking-stick and gloves,
and with a bold step and confident demeanor, sought
the mansion of the fair maiden, whom I intended
should be the future Mrs. Stingflyer. I was received
very graciously, for I had met Miss Deborah before at
a quilting-party at the dwelling of a worthy gentleman,
one Mr. Lawrie Todd, one of the select men of the
town, and an active member of the school committee.
Yet, Cupid nor Hymen never entered my thoughts in
connection with Miss Deborah until now. Whatever
courage I had mustered for the occasion, proved to be,
when I stood in her maidenly presence, a mere flash
in the pan. After beating about the bush fruitlessly a
long time, and appearing more awkward than I could
have desired before my lady-love, after much pulling
on and off of gloves, tracing, as it were musingly, cabalistic
figures on the floor with my walking-stick,
going to the open window many times, and as often
returning to my chair, while Miss Debby, oblivious of
her knitting, followed my movements with wondering
eyes, I at length desperably determined to come to
the point.
“`Miss Debby, that is, I mean to say, Miss Deborah,'
I said, drawing my chair near to her own, and
taking the strand of yarn between my forefinger and
thumb, and giving it a nervous, yet affectedly careless
twist, while the perspiration exuded from my forehead,
for it was a warm July evening, `Dost thou
ever read the Bible?'
“`The Bible, Mr. Stingflyer?' she fairly vociferated,
laying her knitting on her lap, and turning round and
staring me full in the face; `why, what can you mean
by asking me such a question? Do you take me for a
'homadown—and my uncle a deacon too?'
“`Nay, Miss Deborah,' said I, hastening to interpose
between her anger and my love; `nay, I pray
thee, be not wroth with me. I well know the savor
of thy sanctity. I did intend to ask of thee if thou
retainedst in thy excellent memory, verse 18th, chapter
the 2d of Genesis.'
“`Why, I don't know if I do rightly, but I can easily
find it,' she answered complacently, soothed by my
grain of flattery, for herein Ovid had taught me the
sex is accessible; and laying her knitting upon my
knees, she hastened to bring the family Bible, which
she spread open on a small light stand discreetly placed
between us, and began diligently to turn over the
leaves of the quarto, but rather as if she were seeking
the book of Revelations than that of Genesis. I made
bold to hint that it might be better to begin at the commencement
of the book, when, turning thither, much
to her delight, and as her manner betrayed, much to
her surprise, she found the book named, and soon after,
reading aloud:
“—`It is not good that man should be alone;
I will make a help meet for him.' Why, what is
there in this verse so very remarkable, Mr. Stingflyer?”
she interrogated, neverthless blushing consciously, and
without looking up.
“Although I felt my courage oozing, as it were, from
beneath my finger nails, and exudating from every
pore in my body, I nevertheless felt that I had broken
the ice—and already placed my foot on the pons asinorum
of lovers, and that it was easier to advance
than to retreat; I therefore determined to persevere in
my suit and leave the rest to the gods.
“`Dost thou not apprehend the application thereof,
Miss Debby?' I said, in my most insinuating tones,
edging my chair a few inches closer to her own, and
taking her slightly resisting hand in mine.
“`Not in the least, Mr. Stingflyer,' she replied with
that perverse blindness which at such times is wont to
characterise the sex; while I am well assured in my
own mind, she knew full as well what I would be at
(for the sex have much acumen in these matters) as I
did myself.
“`Then,' I said, borne irresistibly onward by the
fates, which direct the passion amor, `may it please
thee to turn for an illustration thereof, and for further
light thereupon, to chapter ix. verse the 1st of the same
book?' and after I had ceased speaking, I assumed an
aspect of much gravity. She sought and found the
passage designated; but this time, after casting her
eyes upon it, her color increased, and without reading
it aloud as before, she shut the book quickly, saying,
`I do declare! what can you mean, Mr. Stingflyer?'
and she looked both pleased and offended; although I
opine, the latter was assumed as a sort of vanguard to
her maidenly discretion.
“`I mean, my dear Miss Debby,' I exclaimed, seizing
before her, impelled by the amoris stimuli, for amare
et sapere is hard for man to do, `that it is not good
for me to be alone—that my soul yearneth, yea, verily,
crieth aloud for a help meet—therefore, oh Deborah,
I fain would obey the commandment, Genesis 9th, 1st,
if thou wilt take part and lot with me in this matter;
for Debby,' and here my voice, which had been lifted
up in the eloquence of my passion, fell to a more tender
key, `Debby, light of my eyes, I love thee!' here
I laid my hand upon my waistcoat, over the region of
the heart, and continued vehemently, `and from this
posture will I not rise until thou hast blessed me.'
“Miss Deborah turned pale, then became red, and
then became pale again, giggled, simpered, and looked
every way but towards me, but made no answer.
Emboldened by her silence, which I interpreted favorably,
remembering the Latin proverb, qui non negat
fatetur, whose English parallel is “Silence giveth assent,”
I leaned forward, drawing her gently towards
me, for the purpose of placing the sigillum or seal
upon her lips, when an enormous door-bug, or hedge-chafer,
a clumsy, uncouth species of the black beetle,
bounced with a loud hum into the room through the
open window, aiming point blank for the candle,
which chanced to stand in a line between me and the
aforesaid window, and with the force of a cross-bolt,
struck me between the eyes, as I continued to remain
in my attitude of genuflection, and partly from terror,
and in part from the force of the blow, with a loud
exclamation, I fell backwards upon the floor like one
who had been wounded even unto the death. The
next moment, alive to the ludicrousness of my situation,
I recovered myself—which recovery was not a
little expedited by the undisguised laughter of the
merry maiden, on whose lips I was about to place the
seal of requited affection: experience having not then
instructed my youth, omnium mulierum fugianturoscula.
fain would have laughed my disaster off, pretending
that it was only a conceit of my own, to fall as if shot
with a bullet, had not my ears been assailed, as I rose
again to my feet, by the appalling burring and whizzing
of the enemy, darting fiercely about the room,
now thumping violently against the opposite wall,
now buzzing by my head with a hum like a hundred
tops, the whole more dreadful on account of the darkness
of the extremities of the apartment, which rendered
it exceedingly difficult to follow, with any certainty,
the motions of the insect, and thereby guard
against his approach. My first impulse was to leap
from the window, to the utter demolition of Miss Deborah's
flower-beds. But, guessing my desperate resolve,
by the frenzied roll of my eyes in that direction,
and the preparatory movements of my limbs, she
closed it, oh fæmina, semper mutabile! with a sudden
jerk, and a loud laugh, as if delectating herself
with my terrors. Certes, since that period, my sentiments
in relation to the softness and charity of womankind
have been revised! Thwarted in this point, my
next impulse was to endeavor to gain the door—which
purpose I at length effected, after dodging the transverse
course of the bettle as he traversed the room;
and throwing it open, I sprang through it, not into the
passage, but into Miss Deborah's china closet, and
striking my foot against a jar of preserves, upset it,
and pitched irresistibly against the lower shelf laden
with her choicest domestic wares, and amid a jangling,
crashing, crackling, and rattling, sufficient to make
even the deaf hear, I fell to the floor, receiving in my
fall, by way of corollary, divers contusions from the
falling ruins, and lay, like Samson, buried in the wreck
I had myself created.
“The laughter of Miss Debby was hereupon suddenly
changed to a loud key of mingled surprise, anger
and grief, in which she attacked me with a volley of
the hedge-chafer, and not I, was the author of the mischief.
Bruised, mortified and exceedingly chop-fallen,
I at length dragged my unlucky body forth, notwithstanding
I still heard the buzz-wzz-z-z, of the formidable
bug in his flight about the room, but between his
whizzing and the clamor of Miss Deborah's tongue,
I was left to choose between Scylla and Charybdis.
But I will dwell no longer upon this event. I effected
my escape as well as I could, and the next Monday
morning made up the loss of earthen vessels in coin,
to the mother of Miss Deborah. And verily here
ended my first and last attempt to secure a mater
familias, to perpetuate the ill-fated patronymic of
Stingflyer to posterity.
“Four woes have passed, and yet another woe cometh.
My adventure in the china-closet having been
bruited about the village, my pupils, (such being ever
ready to fasten a nickname upon their instructors,)
conferring upon me the unseemly appellation of
`Hedge-chafer,' determined me to change my place
of habitation I next, after divers wanderings, pitched
my tent in the state of Ohio, which hath been called
`the paradise of schoolmasters,' drawn thither by the
reports that reached mine ears, of the richness of the
land; and in a town a few miles from Cincinnati, I
resumed my occupation of instilling knowledge into
the minds of the rising generation. It came to pass
after I had sojourned here nearly the space of two
years, I was appointed the orator for the Fourth of
July, A. D. 1825. My thesis, or oration, prepared for
this occasion, was previously read by me to two or
three village oracles, with much applause, which, in
justice to myself, and more especially to the judgment
of the committee, by whom I had the honor of being
appointed, I must confess my composition fully
merited.
The procession was formed opposite the Masonic
even the foremost of the van, save the musicians and
marshal; the music struck up, and with martial pace
it proceeded through the principal streets of the town,
towards the church, which I flattered myself I was
about to fill with Demosthenean eloquence. As I
moved forward, a blue ribbon waving its pennons at
the button hole of my coat, my bosom swelled with
a due consciousness of the conspicuousness of my
situation, and I felt that every eye was fixed upon me
in admiration, if not envy: my step was firm, as it
rose and fell to the strains of music—my chest expanded,
and my head was elevated—and gracefully did
I carry in my hand, the manuscript, also garnished
with a gay knot of blue ribbon, whose written eloquence
was that day to enchain men's minds, and fill
their souls with patriotism. No Roman, entering the
imperial city after a victory, on a triumphal car, ever
bore a prouder heart than I did that day—alas, dies
infaustus! In our circumambulatory progress
through the village, traversing its every lane and
alley, that all might witness the pageant of which I
was `the head and front,' we passed through a
straggling angle of the town—a sort of detached suburb,
when the music was all at once drowned by a
loud and discordant din, caused by the beating of tin-kettles,
the clattering of warming-pans, the jingling of
sleigh-bells, the tooting of horns, and clamor of women
and children, saluting the tympana with a Babelion
confusion not unworthy of the precincts of the infernal
regions, while at the same time, a wretched alley just
in advance of us, poured out a motley crowd of slattern
wives and breechless urchins, armed with a thousand
tongues, and beating every instrument whereof
the chronicles of discord have made mention. But a
sight more dreadful, a sound more horrible, alone
filled my ears, and concentrated my optics. Over the
heads of this clamorous multitude hung a dark cloud
the roaring of the sea. Appalling vision! each particular
hair of my head stood on end, and my heart
leaped into my throat.
“At the sight of the procession the clamor ceased,
and the women, duces facti, retreated from view,
while the vacillating swarm, attracted by the music,
now alone heard, wheeled towards the head of our
column, and darkened the air above my head. There
are, it hath verily been asserted, some persons whom
bees will not sting, (an asservation which I am inclined
to controvert,) and reversely, that there are
others, whom they will take pains to sting, of whom
I am one especially honored. From childhood to
manhood, whether a boy in a crowd of boys, or a man
in a throng of men, a bee never chanced to hover in
the air, who did not single me out, and descend upon
my ill-fated person, whether from a sympathetic attraction
towards the honey-bee imprinted in the small
of my back or not, is a question whose solution I leave
to metaphysicians. Knowing, however, from experience,
how powerfully I was magnetised, and seeing
these myriads of attractive atoms so near my person,
I felt that I should not long stand my ground. At the
moment the swarm approached, the whole band
chanced to strike up with a loud clang, in a sort of
chorus, and simultaneously the bees descended close
to our heads, and as they swept round like an army
wheeling, two or three stragglers or flank-riders
brushed past my cheeks, while amid the dreadful roar
of their passage I had nearly lost my wits, and should
no doubt have lost them altogether, if they had not
quickly reascended; and as the music ceased, by the
command of the marshal, settled to my great relief, on
an umbrageous tree in the vicinity.
“I congratulated myself on retaining my self-possession
in so large an assemblage of witnesses—philosophy
with my advance in life, having enabled me in some
although no mental effort can effectually overcome an
inherited nervous infirmity. Prouder than if I had
been the victor of Waterloo, I lifted my foot to the
time of the music to proceed in my march, when I felt
a sensation as if something was crawling on the back
of my neck. I trembled, and my blood run cold to my
finger ends. I was afraid to reach my hand to the spot
for fear it should be stung; for I foreboded a stray bee
from the swarm had lighted on my collar, and I dared
not ask those behind me to brush it off, lest it should
sting me in revenge. Moreover, the very consciousness
of this dangerous vicinage of my hereditary foe,
caused in my mind too much terror to articulate such
a request, or to yield to any other impulse, than my
customary one of flight, in obedience to my mother's
laws, in such cases made and provided. Therefore,
as I felt the tittillation of his progress along the junction
of my cravat and cuticle, I shouted involuntarily aloud
and broke from the procession, and with wonderful
speed darted up the street, my flight not a little accelerated
by discovering a second bee, clinging to the
blue ribbon which fluttered at my button-hole. This
last invader, however, the wind of my motion soon
dislodged, but instantly recovering his wings, he turned
and pursued in full cry. Of a surety, this was an unpleasant
strait for a man of my consequence on that
day to be placed in—an enemy in pursuit, and another
equally ferocious in possession of my unlucky body.
The faster I fled, and the stronger became the wind,
which fairly whistled past my ears, the closer the insect
stuck to my skin, having now achieved, by creeping
with much circumspection, half the circumference
of my neck, and entangled his antennæ among my
half-whiskers, which I am accustomed to wear, in
order that my hebdomadal labor of shaving may be
more of a sinecure. But I will not linger over the
details of my flight, the wonder of the procession, the
and the consternation of the musicians, whose vocation
fled with me—I will only as a faithful recorder of my
woes, say that I run half a mile straight into the country,
was grievously stung by the enemy who had lodged
on my cheek, before I had effected half that distance,
that the pain added wings to my flight, and that my
pursuer came up with me as I desperately plunged at
risk of life and limb, into a hedge at the termination
of the half a mile, hoping to leave the hedge between
us, and thus baffle him, and how, instead of clearing
the hedge, oh, accumulation of woes! I leaped into
the middle of it, and sunk into the midst of a nest
of hornets.
“Whether I should lie down and die like a martyr,
or rise up and fly, was the debate of a moment in my
mind. I chose the latter, for verily, life is sweet, and
scrambled back into the road, malgré the bee on the
other side of the hedge (but greater dangers swallowed
up the lesser,) I fled back to the town at greater speed
than I had left it, a score of angry hornets singing in
my ears. When I arrived once more in the village, to
use the words of a pleasing poet, in facetiously describing
a less memorable race—
Up flew the windows all;
And every soul cried out, “well done!”
As loud as they could bawl.'
lifeless, my body having, as was ascertained by subsequent
enumeration, been perforated by the aculei of
the hornets in the thirty-seven different places. After
being confined with my wounds and a consequent
fever for the space of four weeks, I once more became
a wanderer, being too sensitive upon my disaster to
remain where my adventure afforded too much merriment
it with any especial grace. I would observe, however,
in passing, that my oration, which I had thrown
down in my flight, was picked up by the Marshal of
the day, who got the procession once more into marching
order, and that it was read from the pulpit, by a
young lawyer, with much taste and execution, vastly
to the delight and edification of the audience, who
bore testimony that such a gem of Fourth of July
oratory had never been listened to—nay, that it even
surpassed the homilies of the minister himself—who
was, allow me to remark, a scholar of great erudition.
This sugared news was breathed into my ear by my
sympathetic landlady, while I lay bedridden afterwards,
and verily it was a salvo both to my wounded
flesh and spirit.
“My next place of abode, after divers journeyings,
was in the beautiful city of Natchez, which verily for
Arcadian attractiveness of aspect, hath not its equal
among the cities of the West. Here, for there was
no want of instructors of youth, I foregathered with
an elderly and worthy gentleman, a God-fearing and
coin-getting man, who agreed with me for my daily
bread, and the sum of eight shillings per week, to sum
up his accompts. This labor I faithfully executed, and
at length, learning by the public print, that a teacher
of the humane letters was needed in this village, from
which I address you, on foot I came thither, bearing
my recommendation in my countenance, God, I trust,
having given me an honest one, and forthwith entered
on my occupation, which I still delightedly pursue—
for, though southern boys are not so studious as northern
lads, they nevertheless possess a natural quickness
of parts, which I may denominate intuition, whereby
with little diligence they learn much, arriving at conclusions
per saltum by a leap as it were, which rendereth
it a pleasing task to instruct them.
“The day I had the felicity of meeting with thee, my
a holiday, I had doffed and laid aside my outward
garment, and enveloped in my wrapper or summer
gown, was seated in the little room which I occupy as
my sanctum sanctorum, perusing my favorite Maro,
(for Virgil hath ever been my favorite, saving the
Georgic which treateth of the nurture of bees,) when
I heard the well-known sound of a wasp singing about
the room. I immediately sprung from my chair, with
so sudden a movement, that the sagacious insect no
doubt mistook it for a hostile one, though, Dii immortales!
I had not the most distant idea of assuming a
belligerent attitude—and with a sharp note darted
towards me. I evaded the charge, by dodging my
head, and fled forth into the street en dishabille, my
terrible enemy in close pursuit. Thou didst witness,
my worthy friend, the result, and to thee am I indebted
for aid in mine affliction, saving me, peradventure,
from a watery grave. In part liquidation of this my
debt of gratitude, I pen and transmit to thee these
brief records of my eventful life, believing that after
the perusal of them thou wilt not withhold thy sympathy
from him, to whom the sound of a flying insect
is more terrible than the whizzing of a bullet: and who
feareth less the thrust of a javelin than the barbed
sting of the irritabile genus, a race he verily believeth
created to torment him, and himself created to be their
miserable victim.
“Your servant, faithfully to command,
“Abel Stingflyer, A. M.”
[Note by the Author of “Lafitte.”]
Being in the village of Port Gibson a few weeks
ago, I learned that the unfortunate hero of the above
memoirs, had left that rural village and returned to
the city of Natchez, where, in copartnership with a
man from the land of Connecticut, he dealt in merchandise,
of “teaching the humane letters,” for the less intellectual
one of heaping together riches through the
buying and selling of goods.
When I was last in Natchez, I therefore sought
him out and found him, although his name in the
firm is modestly and unassumingly concealed under
the abbreviation, CO., and was pleased to learn from
his own lips that he was prosperous. Although his
stock in trade is multifarious, he took pains to inform
me that the leading stipulation in his agreement of
copartnership was, that neither sugar, nor molasses,
nor any thing dulcis naturæ holding out temptations
to the irritabile genus, should be allowed admittance
into the store as part of their stock of merchandise.
It was in this interview with him I obtained the permission
to make such disposition of his manuscript as
I should deem most fit. Therefore in giving it this
present publicity no confidence hath been betrayed.
Rose Cottage, Adams' County, Miss.
January 17, 1838.
| The American lounger, or, Tales, sketches, and legends, gathered in sundry journeyings | |